Pretty Little Liars: Unhappy Ending

Lunch time at the cafeteria!  Or maybe it’s breakfast, because Aria’s drinking coffee.  Or, maybe it’s ANY TIME, because Aria’s drinking coffee.  Em’s like, Why is your phone turned off?!  Aria was worried that someone would call.  On your phone?  Well, that’s weird, Aria.  Why would someone call you on your phone, of all things?  She tells Em about Jason kissing her and asks if she should tell Ezra.  And then Emily tells her about the photos.  Just then, Spencer shows up to hate on Jason too (as she should).  Spencer says that Jason’s dangerous, and Aria’s like, “Fine.  I gotta go.”  Oh, Aria.  Run away.  Run away to your inappropriate man.  Either one will do.  There’s an announcement on the P.A. about the college fair, and apparently sign up is all day long.  What?  I got like one day off to visit my college of choice.  And we did not have a fair.  But we did have Spirit Week.  Crazy pajamas day!  Spencer can’t stick around for the college fair.  So, why did she even show up at school?  Asinine.  She says that she has to pack up all of Ian’s stuff before Melissa gets home from Philly and Toby’s going to help her.  I guess Emily is the only one who cares about her future.  Em’s pouring herself a big bowl of Alpha-Bits, and just as I’m saying sarcastically, “Oh, I bet they’re all ‘A’s.’  That would be kind of dumb,” sure enough:  That’s what they are.  There’s also a prize — a note which says, “The weak link is the easiest to break.  Snapping yet? – A”  How many boxes of Alpha-Bits did “A” have to buy?  And how did she seal the box back correctly?  This can only mean one thing:

“A” is Bart Adlam, V.P. of Post Foods.  YOU’RE WELCOME.

Dammit, fine.  After the credits, Hanna and her mom (Ashley) are discussing Emily over coffee.  COFFEE COFFEE COFFEE!  Ashley finds an old gift certificate to a massage place and tells Hanna to give it to Emily so she won’t be so stressed out.  There’s a letter from Hanna’s dad, thanking her for being supportive and junk, but Hanna’s still all negative about it.  Ashley tells her that the wedding’s a big deal, so she should be positive about everything.  Ashley wonders if Hanna will be late for school, but it’s College Fair Day — attendance is optional.  Actually, staying home is the best way to prepare for college:  sleeping until noon, watching a Real World marathon, and eating cereal for dinner.

Back at school, Aria confronts Jason (because he’s always at the school now) about the photos, and Jason’s all, Oh yeah, Alison took those photos — I just found a roll of her film and developed the photos in my creepy shed dark room.

“Completely plausible.  Wanna make out?”

Aria asks why the photos and camera were gone and Jason says that he took all the equipment out, and he took the photos so he could frame them and give them to Aria.  As a gift.  Oh, okay, what girl wouldn’t want photos of her sleeping taken by either her dead best friend or her dead best friend’s possibly murdering brother?  I cannot believe Aria is buying this shit.  Idiot.  Even at 16 — and I was plenty naive — I would have called bullshit on that so fast.  And then Lucas and I would have gone to his basement for a sloppy make-out session.

Dr. Anne is at the school, of course, because that’s where all the adults in Rosewood hang out.  She has a presentation, I guess.  Ella asks her about Mike and how he doesn’t want to do anything and was breaking-and-entering.  Dr. Anne doesn’t recommend that siblings see the same therapist.  Um, okay, Dr. Anne.  I guess you haven’t heard of a little thing called family therapy.  She will give Ella some referrals though.

Ezra shows up for the College Fair, and he’s annoyingly cheerful.

“The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the Pennsylvania statutory laws are conveniently muddled! Oh, what a glorious world!”

Suck it, teach.  A bunch of his former students say hey and Aria’s got hot-for-teacher-lady-boner . . . until his ex-girlfriend co-worker shows up, and I have to pause to search the internet for her name because she hasn’t been on the show in weeks, which is an annoying constant on this show.

“No.  More.  CHARACTERS!!!!”

Preach it, Faye-as-Joan.  Preach it.  Seriously, this show is starting to get dragged down by all the weight from multiple characters and too many mysteries, so please PLL peeps, if you’re reading this, do us a favor and cut some characters and actually answer something.  I’m sure, though, that Emily will have 8 more girlfriends and Aria will probably fall in love with a 56 year-old bank robber by the time this season is over.  Oh, and Ezra’s ex is named Jackie.  Or, as I like to call her, Jackee.  But it’s probably Jackii.

Hanna hands Emily the spa certificate and then splits to go to the bridesmaid dress fitting.  Emily looks longingly at the swim team girls walking down the hall, all cheerful and giggly.

“Ohmigod, you guys!  Aren’t you glad we’re not lesbians who are being stalked by some unknown person while we abuse human growth hormone?!  HAHAHAHAHAHA!  Let’s go drink our weight in carmel macchiatos, because it’s not like we have ulcers or anything!  AHAHAHAHA!  I love you guys . . .”

Ouchies, Em.  That was hard to hear, wasn’t it?  Dr. Anne comes up to Emily and asks her how things are going.  Emily says that things suck.  Dr. Anne asks her if she can help and says that she can surprise her by being understanding.  Just because Em’s no longer her patient, doesn’t mean she’s stopped caring.  If my ex-therapist said that to me, I’d find it a little creepy.  Emily says there are a lot of things that she and her friends haven’t told her, and she really needs to talk about it.  She says she’ll come by after school.

“Okay.  And then maybe you can help me find Agent Mulder.”

I’m wondering how many of you will get that joke.  Toby is helping Spencer pack up Ian’s things.  They find Ian’s “old” yearbook.  From freaking 2005.  Thanks, PLL.  Thanks for reminding me that I’d be playing someone’s mee-maw on this show because I’m so damn old.  Jerkass.  So they flip through it to find Ian’s photo, which is hilariously douchey, thanks to Ian’s lip-glossed pout mouth.

“Vice-Pres. – Shaky Camcorder Club; Pres. – Skeevy Stalking of Underage Girls Club; Bell Ringers Alliance.”

Also, isn’t it just “Honor Society” and not “Honors Society?”  I was never in it (math is a pain-in-the-ass hellbitch sent to destroy the souls of all humankind), but I’m pretty sure I’m right.  Or not.  I don’t care.   Spencer wonders what the N.A.T. club is, because she knows all the clubs, since she came close to joining every one of them, even the “madrigals.”  HA!  I was in “Madrigals” when I was in high school, but that’s just what we called our (basically) glee club.  We changed our name to “Encore” my junior year.  Oh yeah — I was in it all four years, and you had to audition for that sumbitch.  Also, I was in a horrifying “Yule Feast” in undergrad, where our (basically) glee club had to dress up in old stinky tights and crap and sing festive ye olde Xmas songs to people who actually paid money to see that crap.  P.S.  I HATE (HATE HATE HATE) Renaissance Faires.  If there is a hell, it is a Renaissance Faire that serves nothing but cantaloupe.  P.P.S. Cantaloupe is the worst food ever.

Man, I get so distracted!  I’m sorry.  Let’s get back to the recap.  The clubs aren’t listed in the back, but Jason Di Laurentis signed the yearbook and was all, N.A.T. forever, man!  So he was in it too.  Also, Garrett.  Wha!?

Back at the college fair, Aria’s picking up brochures and junk while Ezra and Jackee talk to students about how amazing Hollis College is.  He goes up to Aria and is all, Hollis College is awesome and the teachers are “very hands-on.”  Gross.  Aria drags him away to tell him that she feels that “forces” are trying to tear them apart.  If by “forces” you mean “rational adults followed by the police and later, a judge,” then yeah.  “Forces.”  Aria tells Ezra that Jackee is flirting with him all the time, because she doesn’t know that he’s in a relationship.  Ezra says that it’s cool, because HE knows they’re in a relationship, and Aria’s all, Well I know that I’m in a relationship, but that didn’t stop me from kissing Jason.  Oh, dip!  Ezra’s all confused.  Aria says it came out wrong — Jason kissed HER, she just didn’t stop him.  Jackee comes up and asks Ezra to get some books out of the car.  After he leaves, Jackee tells Aria that college will be a good experience for her, because she’ll grow up and realize just how naive she was.  Now, I’m sure Jackee’s trying to be kind of a bitch, but part of me thinks she’s actually giving Aria good advice.  Because Aria IS naive and she DOES need to grow up.

Philly time!  Break out your Rolling Rock — is that more of a Pittsburgh thing? — and slap some Cheez Whiz on your cheesesteak (I like mine with mushrooms, swiss cheese, and ketchup, personally)!  Hanna’s getting fitted for her dress and she dragged Mona along for advice.  Mona hates the dress.  “All that’s missing is cud.”  Hee!  Mona doesn’t understand why Hanna’s being so nice to Isabelle’s daughter:  “Why are you being all Pollyanna?”  Hanna:  “Polly who?”  Oh, snap, Hanna, you did NOT just ask, “Polly who?”

“Oh, hell no bitch, what?!  I will kick your ass, bitch! . . . Well, I would if I, you know . . . wasn’t paralyzed.  Stupid f**king bazaar . . .”

Oh, Pollyanna and her sweet rainbow reflections of positivity.  Hayley Mills is my boo.  Did you know you can watch the entire Parent Trap II on YouTube?  It’s chock full of 80s Disney Sunday Movie goodness.  Now, if they’d just release Mr. Boogedy on DVD . . .

Anyway.  Hanna says it’s important to her dad that she treat Kate (Isabelle’s daughter) well because they’ll be like family soon.  Kate shows up and if I can be frank, she could use a meatball sub.  Apparently, Kate’s pretty well off and dresses well and has a purse that Mona is envious of.  Kate invites the two of them to lunch, and while Hanna doesn’t want to go, Mona is all, “We’re starved!” so Kate takes that as a yes.  Kate leaves to get the directions and Hanna confronts Mona.  “You’re not starved, you just had a whole bowl of jelly beans!”  Mona:  “They were complimentary!”  Hahahaha!  More of this, please!  Hanna says they’re not going, but Mona brings up the fact that Hanna needs to bond with Kate, so lunch it is!

Emily’s at the spa.  Wow, a non-erotic massage.  THIS should be scintillating.  Emily’s nervous, but the lady says that it’ll be great.

“Are you going to touch . . . my butt . . .?”

“Well, that’s not included in the gift certificate.  But I suppose if you wanted to pay extra . . .”

“How much?”

“50 –”

“SOLD!”

” — for one cheek.”

“SOLD!  Left one please!  That’s where I hold all my stress!”

Toby and Spencer are still trying to solve the N.A.T. mystery.  Spencer says there has to (HAS TO!) be a solution to the puzzle.  And, because this is TV and we really don’t have time to waste waiting for Spencer to take a week to solve the mystery, she immediately finds a t-shirt of Ian’s emblazoned with the Latin words Nos Animadverto Totus.  Spencer took Latin (of course) but she doesn’t remember what it stands for.  Luckily, she has her phone.

“Hold on, Toby.  Let me check the best search engine on the planet, Bing, for this Latin phrase.”

“Wait a minute, Spencer.  Bing can’t possibly give you the search results you need.  I don’t believe it can be that simple!”

“But Toby, it is!  Bing is not only the fastest search engine on the internet, but it automatically weeds out any un-needed information to give you the most accurate results you desire!”

“Wow!  Easy-to-use AND accurate?!  Why mess with the rest?  I’ll use the best!  Thank you, BING!”

Spencer, by using BING, finds out that the Latin phrase means “We See All.”  Wow, those Latin people certainly used a lot of words to convey a short phrase.  No wonder it’s a dead language.  Spencer tells Toby that since Ian liked to skeevily film people, maybe Jason and Garrett did too, and that was their secret club name.  Or, it could be that they were all geekgasm-ing all over World of Warcraft every Friday night and N.A.T. was the name of their stupid guild or whatever.

“Garrett, unnnnnhhhh!  I wanted to kill Goorglemeck the Elder Dwarf!”  “Shut up, Jason!  And call me Farrokk the Sage Wizard King of Telochmador, you butthole!”

Aria’s at The Only Restaurant In Rosewood, when Jason asks to sit down.  Aria is hesitant.  Jason’s all, “You’re not scared of me, are you?”  Scared?  No.  Annoyed?  Completely.

Mona and Hanna are at a riding club, because Mona convinced Kate that she and Hanna are awesome horseback riders, and of course Kate belongs to one of those horse clubs for rich girls who eat Kleenexes for lunch.  Hanna’s kind of pissed about this.  Also, Kate’s friends are named Bitsy and Margeaux.  Kudos to you, PLL writers, for picking the most pretentious names ever.  Hanna knows nothing about riding, so this should be fun.  She does get on the horse, though, with not too much of a problem.  Kate tells her that if she’s not comfortable, they can hang out another time.  Mona is all, No it’s cool, you guys go ahead and we’ll catch up!

Back at Emily’s massage, the lady’s back to rub her hands all over Emily, who says it feels great.

At The Only Restaurant In Rosewood, Jason has apparently framed the sleeping photos of Aria and given them to her. Oh, hey, another Weepies song in the background!  Yay for The Weepies!!  You guys should get all of their albums, because they’re awesome, and they seem like the nicest people ever.  Aria says she doesn’t remember Alison taking a lot of pictures, and it’s weird getting to know someone after they’re dead.  Aria!  How incredibly dense and stupid can you be?!  Geez.  Aria tells Jason that her friends broke in because they’re going through a lot.  Jason says that they all want answers and that’s how he found the film — he was in Alison’s room pulling up the floorboard and found a box of her stuff.  Liar!  Aria wonders why Alison would hide it.  Jason said Alison was obsessed with hiding — it became a habit.  Aria asks if he’s found anything else of Alison’s, but he hasn’t.  But she can totally come back to the house and see the “box.”  Oh, Aria.  You are so pissing me off.

Spencer and Toby are out on the town doing god-knows-what when Spencer spies Jason and Aria together.  Jason wants to go in and talk to them, but Spencer says that Aria won’t listen to her regarding Jason any more . . . but she knows someone who will convince her.

Meanwhile, Hanna and Mona are walking through the woods, because they lost their horses.  Hanna is not impressed by Mona’s web of big horse lies that she told to Kate.  Mona says that she’s been trying to help Hanna all day to get in with Kate and her friends, but Hanna is suspicious that Mona’s been mostly trying to help herself.  What?  Mona could be selfish?  Why, I had no idea!  Mona hopes that Caleb comes back soon, because ever since he left, Hanna’s been a “total crank.”

Emily’s laying on the table when the massage lady comes in and is all, “Ready to begin?”  She had a scheduling issue, but she’ll add another ten minutes.  Emily’s all, Um wait, what, YOU weren’t the one just in here massaging me?!  The lady’s like, No, you crazy beyotch.  Oh, but on the water glass, written in the condensation, is the letter “A.”

“On the plus side, she did both my cheeks.”

Ezra gets into his car and all of a sudden, Spencer gets into the passenger side, telling Ezra that she knows about him and Aria and that Aria’s in danger.  Ella’s walking out of the school and sees them talking together.  Oh, dear.

Emily rushes out of the massage room and starts to call Dr. Anne, but she’s interrupted by a text from “A,” which reads, “See how easy it is for me to get my hands around your neck?”

In the next 15 second scene, Aria follows Jason to her house.  He invites her into the woodshed to see “the box,” but for once, Aria doesn’t act like a dipshit and says she’ll wait outside for him.

Back at Lost My Future Stepsister’s Horse Ranch, Hanna and Mona arrive back at the club.  Hanna apologizes to Mona and says that she’s just mad that Kate and her friends think she’s a big wiener.  Mona tells Hanna that she may not be trying enough and then Hanna goes off on a tirade about how “Isahell” sucks and that Kate and “all those little bitches” can go to hell.  The thing is, there was a helmet leaning on the button for the P.A. system, so Hanna’s entire hate speech was broadcast to all the rich horse people, including Kate and her little bitches.

“Oh, hi!  We were . . . rehearsing for our play!  You . . . You believe that, right?  No?  Okay, then.  See you at the rehearsal dinner!  Byesies!”

Spencer’s in her house, running downstairs in a hurry, but she stops dead in her tracks, because she has a vistor:  Jenna.  Jenna’s all, We had a deal that you’d lay off — Alison’s killer is dead, the case is closed, but you’re still digging around like a “hungry terrier.”  You know, PLL writers, if there was ever a time to use the “bitch” word, that, right there, that would have been the time.  She says that she knows that Toby’s helping Spencer and that he went through her room.  Jenna tells Spencer that what she’s doing is dangerous for both Spencer and Toby, and Spencer’s all, Oh so you care about Toby?  Jenna says she does and Spencer’s like, “I know all about that, remember?”  When Jenna leaves, Spencer says, “And tell Garrett I said hi.”  Oh, snap!

Aria’s still waiting for Jason when Ezra pulls up, telling her that Spencer talked to him and told him that Jason’s dangerous and he agrees.  Aria says that Jason’s not a threat, but Ezra says that Jason is a threat to him.  He says that if keeping their relationship a secret is what’s destroying it, then maybe it’s time to tell people about them, starting with Aria’s parents.  Oy.  They kiss, and Jason sees them.

“Oh, dang.  I hope our blatant public flaunting of our mostly illegal love doesn’t get us in trouble.”

Seriously, how completely stupid are the two of them to think that telling people — especially Aria’s parents — will make things better?  If you think that telling anyone about your secret, illicit, forbidden, illegal love will save your relationship, then you, my friend, are a complete jackass and probably deserve everything that’s coming to you.  Anyway, Jason gets back with The Box and hands it to Aria, who awkwardly leaves with Ezra.  As much as I think Jason is a big douchebag, I kind of hope he blabs his mouth about Ezria all over town.

Jenna gets into Garrett’s car and says that Spencer and her friends are starting to figure things out.  Garrett asks her what she wants to do and she says that it’s time to talk to Jason.

Hanna’s back and it’s time for her to eat those feelings!

“WHY DON’T THEY MAKE CUPCAKE FLAVORED PUDDING?!  I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!”

As Hanna proceeds to dig into pudding cup number one, Ashley gets home and asks how the college fair was; Hanna tells her that she left early to go to the fitting, but it “wasn’t a great fit.”  The phone rings and Ashley answers — it’s Hanna’s dad, but Hanna doesn’t want to talk to him.  Ashley tells Tom that she’s glad things went well, and hands the phone to Hanna, as Kate wants to talk to her.  Hanna thanks Kate for not saying anything and says she’s sorry.  Kate tells her not to worry about it, because they’re practically family now.  Kate’s sorry about the horse, and then goes on a horse metaphor kick about how you have to train a horse and bend it’s will until it knows “you’re it’s master” and it’s broken.  “That’s how you’re gonna feel when I’m through with you.”  Uh-oh, Hannie Sue!

Aria’s looking at The Box in her room, going through all the knick-knacks and doo-dads.  Ella shows up and asks her what’s in the box.  Aria explains that it’s Alison’s box, but there’s nothing great in it.  Ella tells Aria about getting a therapist for Mike, and Aria tells her mom that she kind of liked talking to someone.  Ella asks her to tell Mike that, to try to convince him therapy isn’t for whackos.  But Ella wants to talk to Aria about something else:  Earlier in the year there were rumors about Mr. Fitz seeing a student, but she just thought it was nothing more than a rumor — but maybe she shouldn’t have assumed it wasn’t true.  She asks Aria if there’s something Aria wants to tell her about Mr. Fitz . . . and Spencer.  Ella says that she saw Ezra and Spencer in his car, but Aria assures her that nothing’s going on with those two.  But, she adds, would it be so bad if there was something going on between them?  Um, YES.  Ella says the age difference isn’t the point — yeah, except it kind of is — but she does say that Ezra’s a teacher, and if she found out that he abused his power like that, she’d be really disappointed.

“Like, disappointed enough to shoot him in the crotch with a sawed-off shotgun.”

Spencer and Hanna are comforting Emily, who says that if she’d just looked up, she would have seen who “A” is.  They discuss that it sucks that Garrett may have been part of Ian’s film-a-thon.  Spencer says that they’ve been thinking that “A” and the killer are the same person — what if “A” is a group of people?  Yeah, we’ve been saying that for weeks now, Spence.  Get with the program.  The doorbell rings and Spencer goes downstairs, thinking it’s probably Aria.  Emily gets a call from Dr. Anne, but she ignores it.

The person at the door was indeed Aria, and she says she’s not mad at Spencer.  Spencer’s all, “I just did it because I was nervous, and you’re really tiny, and I love you!”  Awwww!  I heart Spencer.  They hug and Aria tells her that going to Fitz may have been a good thing, but her mom does think that Spencer’s the one mackin’ all over Fitzy.

Garrett pulls up to Jason’s house, where Jason is sitting on the porch.  Garrett brought over some beer, which is not cool, since Jason’s on the wagon.  Or off the wagon.  I forget which one it is.  Garrett asks if they’re still cool, Jason says it doesn’t matter, and Garrett’s all, I’m a cop now, so it matters more than ever.

End Credits “A” Sequence:  Yeah, there isn’t one this week.

Also, I wasn’t sure if this season was going to be split like last year’s, but apparently it is, as the promos for next week state that we have 2 episodes left until the fall finale.  Which I’m okay with, as Desperate Housewives starts soon and I could use a little recap vacay.