Prison Break fans, we’re almost there. FOX will deign to begin showing new episodes again on Monday, March 20th. In anticipation, I thought it would be a good idea to refresh our collective memory and catch up with some of the cast and story. For those of you who missed the first half season of the show, you suck. You really do… Because this show totally rules. Luckily for you, FX is showing a “Prison Break” marathon next Sunday the 19th – Don’t miss it.
Remember the premise? Remember how much we all hate FOX for making us wait 4 months in between half-seasons? Remember how awesome my recaps are? You don’t? Then I’d suggest catching up by reading the “Prison Break” archives. I’ll wait. Christ, I waited 4 months for FOX, I can wait four hours for you. [Editor's Note: For those of you who didn't find TVgasm until after sg-dub's wife gave birth and his subsequent hiatus... whereas EdHill makes "Cooter" jokes, sg-dub makes Fibonacci sequence jokes. He's what you call "highbrow."]
So let’s revisit the world of Fox River Prison – where men get Teabagged, others perform rusty trombones, and the rest pretty much get murdered. Good stuff.The best way to review the season is through the many characters themselves. The main character is Michael Scofield, the brilliant (some say genius!) handsome devil who pulled off a fake armed robbery in order to get imprisoned with his brother Lincoln Burroughs. For some inexplicable reason, this genius saw it fit to tattoo his entire torso and arms with little reminders on how to best escape the prison – sort of like permanent Post-It notes, conceived to be as cryptic as possible. You see, Michael is an architect and had some blueprints of the prison, so he was able to plan his escape before his imprisonment. This plan involved such intricacies as duping the sexy doctor into believing he was diabetic, dismantling a toilet, carving a soap phone, scamming the mob, winning over the warden with a Popsicle stick Taj Mahal, intricate origami, and paying off a stripper to smuggle a credit card in her cooter. [Editor's note: Um... Just kidding about that highbrow stuff.]
Half a buck and a Chili Pepper gets you a badass tattoo in prison
Other characters and their roles are:
Warden Pope: This Pope definitely smokes dope. Detective Mike Hammer remained in law enforcement and runs the prison with an oatmeal fist. He’s immediately smitten with Scofield because of his ability to build a 6th grade science project with which to woo his wife at their 20th anniversary. He also allows his first in command to be a complete dick, allows guards to be murdered without consequence, and also oversees full-scale race riots with nary a punishment.
Odds of surviving rest of season: 3:2
Wild unconfirmed assertion: Has dresser drawer full of “Free mustache rides” merchandise.
CO Bellick: He’s the “complete dick” mentioned above. Racist redneck that took an immediate disliking to Scofield upon arrival. Despite his intellectual failings, he somehow knows that Scofield is “up to something” at all times, yet lets a rather suspicious group of prisoners join together on the same work detail to repair the mysteriously burned guard room. This work detail includes Lincoln Burroughs who is scheduled to die within the week. This is okay, apparently.
Odds of surviving rest of season: 1:4
Wild unconfirmed assertion: Beats his toy poodle, Adolf.
Dr. Sarah Tancredi: She’s young, cute, smart, and resilient. Michael, the convicted armed robber with a million tattoos, flirts with her while getting his insulin shots. When she’s not looking, and when there’s no guards present which is pretty much ALWAYS, Michael is able to carry out his escape plan for which the infirmary plays a major role. Escaped assured violent gang rape by stabbing a prisoner in the hand with a shard of glass and screaming really loud, which was really cool and kinda hot.
Odds of surviving rest of season: 7:2
Wild unconfirmed assertion: Takes all the fun out of sodomy by explaining the risks before, during, and after.
Lincoln Burroughs: Scofield’s older brother on death row for murdering the Vice President’s brother. He didn’t do it, of course, but only Michael, his lawyers, and he actually believes that. Well, I suppose the Vice President and her not-really-dead brother and their minions believe it as well, since they’re responsible for the frame-up. Allowed to roam free in the prison yard, hang out with his brother, work on unsupervised jobs – all mere days before his execution.
Odds of surviving rest of season: 5:2
Wild unconfirmed assertion: Has a huge dong.
Agent Kellerman: Total jack-off. Corrupt Secret Service Agent, who reports ultimately to the VP and literally gets away with murder every week or so. Incredible ability to be in two places at once on occasion. Left man (Agent Quinn) to die a slow death in a dry well. Lincoln’s son, LJ, has photographic evidence of his murderous ways.
Odds of surviving rest of season: 1:100
Wild unconfirmed assertions: Killed Kennedy, knows where Osama is, and is responsible for the Amazing Race: Family Edition.
Agent Pussy: He’s dead so who cares. (Killed by his partner, Kellerman, in a dark alley in front of Lawyer Lady Veronica who was hiding behind a car just before he could give her the “proof” that Lincoln was set up.)
Odds of surviving rest of season: 1:infinity times infinity to the infinity power times infinity to the googol power
Wild unconfirmed assertion: Took all the fun out of sodomy by explaining the risks before, during, and after
Lawyer Lady Veronica: Used to date Lincoln, now working pro bono in an effort to save him. Has disturbing dent in her left cheek. Is doing good work, but never good enough. In fact, here’s a screenshot of her appealing to America to save Lincoln. Unfortunately, in typical Veronica fashion, her choice of venue was pathetically wrong. Carson Daly? Isn’t that on public access?
Odds of surviving rest of season: 10:1
Wild unconfirmed assertion: Only dated Lincoln to get closer to his more handsome brother Michael but turned lesbo when her two loves ended up as convicted felons.
Lawyer guy Nick: Peacenik type helping Veronica – risking his life at every turn. Took a couple bullets but recovered in 2 days.
Odds of surviving rest of season: Even
Wild unconfirmed assertions: Is an Immortal and Connor MacLeod is tracking him down. Secretly wants Lincoln to fry so he can nail Veronica “Sympathy Sex” style. (Oh, like you haven’t done that!)
Teabag: Aptly named little prick, he personifies every misguided and unfair caricature of gay men (evil sex fiend, pedophile, rapist, kidnapper, indoctrinator, morals free murderer… They even throw in white-supremicist for kicks.) Murdered a random guard and sliced Abruzzi’s neck wide open, but so far continues to elude suspricion. I fear that not all Tvgasm readers are aware of the practice called, “Teabagging.” There are variations, of course, but you know when you make a cup of tea (with a bag, not the leaves like all you pretentious little snots seem to be fond of these days) and you dip it in and out of the cup initially and after it’s steeped? Yeah, well, the tea bag is my ballsack and the cup is, well, it’s your mouth. Hey, I’m here to educate. (Incidentally, the show also referenced a, “Rusty trombone,” at one point suggesting Scofield gave one to the aforementioned stripper. I will not, however, define that here for you.)
Odds of surviving rest of season: 1:5, as there are 6 guys who want to kill him.
Wild unconfirmed assertion: Fox got heat for naming a gay character “Teabag” (though the practice is not the sole provence of gays) so they wrote in a later line of dialogue that gave his birth name as Theodore Bagwell, aka, T-Bag.” I contend this was a capitulation on the part of the writers
Abruzzi: Strangely Teutonic Italian mobster whose hand was initially forced to join up with Scofield. Has a really bad close-talking habit and bad hair. Has a surprisingly large vocabulary. Was brutally stabbed by Teabag and sliced across his carotid – so you’re asking, why am I writing about him in the present tense? Well, I’ve done some digging into Abruzzi’s life and found some interesting tidbits. He has quite a criminal history – and a chameleon ability to change heritage that I’m sure serves him well in his criminal endeavors.
1996: (Assumed identity: Gaer Grimsrud, Transplanted Swede) Accessory to murder, desecration of deceased human being, crimes against nature. He wood chipped someone fer Christ’s sake.
Early 1998: (Assumed identity: Uli Kunkle, German) Extortion, breaking and entering, vandalism, anti-government activist, animal cruelty. He was an evil nihilist fer Christ’s sake.
Late 1998: (Assumed identity: Slippery Pete; Russian) Petty thievery, extortion, poor hygiene. He scammed George and Kramer fer Christ’s sake.
1999-2005: (Assumed identity: Abruzzi, Italian) Joined the mob, accessory to murder, rose through the ranks all the way to be the Don of Fox River Prison. Suffered near-fatal stab wound.
2006: (Assumed identity: Dork, German, again) Vandalism, destruction of property, crimes against humanity and taste in new VW commercials. Truly awful spots that I hope to never have to see again.
Odds of surviving rest of season: even (I thought he was dead too, until the new commercials.)
Wild unconfirmed assertion: Real identity is a Nigerian 419 scammer named Ndugo.
C-Note: The lone brotha among the would-be escapees, Mr. Note seems to have his shit together as much as Michael. In fact, he could be even slicker than our hero as he has somehow convinced his wife that he’s serving his country in Iraq instead of serving his time in prison. He even sends her Iraqi postcards and calls her with a cloth (a.k.a the “Iraqinator”) over the phone to bolster the ruse. Butts heads with Michael over the plans at times, but seems affable enough. His son is none other than Mike Jones – WHO? – MIKE JONES!
Odds of surviving rest of season: Even
Wild unconfirmed assertion: Is petitioning the Guinness World Record folks to add a “Most unobservant human in existence” category so his wife can get the recognition she so richly deserves.
Sucre: Ah, sweet, sweet Sucre. Scofield’s cellmate, the most affable armed robber I’ve ever known. Heck, he only wants to be loved, man! He’s involved in an ancillary storyline with his girlfriend/fiancÃƒÂ©e/muse who happens to be sort of dating some other schlub but we don’t really care about that. Sucre provides some comic relief and is fully on-board with the escape plan. His Latino roots completes the Benetton ad that is the “Prison Break” dream team of escapee criminals.
Odds of surviving rest of season: 10:1, though if FOX’s “24″ can kill of Edgar, anyone is fair game.
Wild unconfirmed assertion: Is the top-ranking tango dancer in the upper Midwest.
Fox News: Amazingly, the only news outfit on the show who cares about Lincoln’s plight. Their reporters have appeared several times throughout the show, but interestingly not after the dozens of murders. Hey, there weren’t any car chases or blond girls gone missing, so who can blame them?
Odds of surviving rest of season: 100:1, unfortunately
Wild unconfirmed assertion: Is Fair and Balanced
Chicago: “Prison Break” is filmed on location in the Windy City on its streets and in the abandoned Joliet prison, which is pretty cool. I don’t have a joke here, nor an astute observation of any sort. I just threw this in so I could share with you a picture from my personal collection from one of my random trips to Chicago. This dude is mesmerizing.
He told us his name was 8-Ball. If you see him on the streets, give him a high-four from me.
Odds of surviving rest of season: Even with enough Wild Irish Rose, 1:4 without
Wild unconfirmed assertion: Is Grandpa Simpson’s love child.