Burn, Baby, Burn, Prison Break Inferno!

Oh. My. God. Lincoln is totally going to fry! He was strapped down in the antiquated electric chair and the witnesses (Michael, Veronica, Dr. Tancredi, and 3 members of the press) took their places behind the glass. The drips from the wet sponge placed on Lincoln’s head was mixing with his beads of sweat. Warden Pope nodded his head and Bellick eagerly approached the switch. The clock showed 11:59PM and I peed a little.

Through clenched teeth Lincoln muttered his last words: “It’s him! It’s him!” Huh? He couldn’t move his head so he tried to make Michael turn around to see “him” by moving his eyes. “Him” was a white-haired gentleman standing behind Michael watching the proceedings. Pope made a small effort to understand the condemned man’s words, but time was a’ticking and really, with one minute to live, if you’re not Batman or James Bond, you’re not going to be making any sense anyway.

15 seconds to go… Bellick’s hand on the switch… Michael and Veronica hug… The curtain draws in front of the witnesses…Michael seethed, “What’s Happening?!” At that, Rog pulled up a chair, turned it backwards and took a seat. Dwayne offered up a, “Hie hie hie!” and Re-Run danced the fool. All of this left Michael and Veronica very confused. They were taken to a big room with a table and left there to greive while Shirley brought them a couple milkshakes and burgers. The Warden glumly entered the room with his head slung low and intoned, “I can’t tell you how sorry I am that you had to go through all this.”

EXTREME Lincoln!
*Clink*Chink*Clink* What thuh? Why… it was Lincoln! He’s alive! (I especially liked how the Warden did his best Phil Koeghan at-the-finishing-mat impression; to a team who isn’t in last place, “Michael and Veronica? *long pause* Welcome to the grieving room. *Long pause, head bowed* You are… *longer pause, eyebrow raised* …Crying for no good reason! Lincoln is alive!”) The judge Veronica saw earlier had delayed the execution, and now Michael was able to speak to his brother. Though quite shaken (wuss), Lincoln asked Michael, “Did you see the guy in the viewing room?” Michael hadn’t but wondered why it mattered. Because, “It was dad… It was dad!” Wowzers – that’s twist – but Michael wasn’t buying it.

I promised myself I wouldn’t apologize to the vast and demanding Tvgasm readership for “late” recaps anymore. But with the other writers banging out recaps at a volume and velocity never before seen around here, I still feel I must. Blame the premieres of two excellent shows that are never mentioned around here: Anthony Bourdain’s “No Reservations” on the Travel Channel, and “Deadliest Catch” on TLC. Oh, and my baby too.

Halfway across the country in Washington DC, Vice President thirtysomething was seething at Agent Kellerman. She was pissed that Lincoln was still alive and wondered how this was so. “Perhaps your fat friend Hale leaked some pertinent information?” Zing! Kellerman denied this possibility and turned to the woman sitting in the chair. Yup, it’s former CTU director Lynn Kresge cum Admiral Helena Cain on Battlestar Gallactica cum dirty Agent Samantha Brinker on “Prison Break.” She gets around, apparently. Kellerman suggested that the leak was on Brinker’s side of the house – from “The Company.” She, of course, denied that and the VP shut them both up with an angry, “Just find the leak and PLUG IT.”

EXTREME Michael!
Two thoughts: First, the Vice President tried to get rid of Kellerman and even have him killed about a week ago in “Prison Break” time (via Agent Quinn). I find it odd that she’s now heavily relying on him again. And second, if there’s a leak, and a former CTU director is involved, I think it’s pretty damn obvious where the leak came from. Doesn’t the VP watch TV?!

Meanwhile, the judge who delayed the execution was meeting with Veronica and the the government’s lawyer. The evidence the judge used for the delay was a medical record showing that the VP’s brother, Terrance Steadman – the guy Lincoln supposedly shot – had an appendectomy at age 12. So what? Well, the coroner’s report of the guy they buried showed he had an appendix. And where did these documents come from? Someone slipped them in an envelope under the judge’s office door earlier that evening. As flimsy and easily faked as this was, the judge ordered an exhumation of Steadman’s body and a 2 week stay of execution. I can dig that.

Lincoln, reprising his role in “Darrow,” asked the Warden about the witnesses to his non-execution. Pope explains how the three people he didn’t know were reporters and not his father. Over in Gen Pop, Michael was at it again with his mirrors and tattoos. Sucre asked the question we’ve all wanted to ask – especially since Michael is a genius – “Why didn’t you just memorize that stuff?” No shit, Sucre.

Later, out in the snowy yard, the boys were complaining about the weather. C-Note, never one to be afraid of a good witticism, suggested that the others do what one does regarding “bad weather in the midwest… Wait an hour.” As a New Englander, I’d like to correct our dear Mr. Franklin. The quote he botched was from Mark Twain and it actuality was, “If you don’t like the weather in New England, wait a few minutes.” Sorry, had to get that off my chest. (For the record, EdHill lives about a mile from Twain’s house in Hartford, CT. B-Side and J-Unit hang with Hollywood stars in chic-chic lounge bars and we have a dead author’s rickity old house.)

EXTREME soliloquy!
Michael was hatching a new escape plan, one which required everyone to pop up out of the ground and scurry across the prison yard and then into the Psyhiatric Asylum, aka, the “Wack Shack.” The boys didn’t like that plan so much as it would expose them to two guard towers. Michael didn’t seem too fazed and decided he would go into the walls again to familiarize himself with the new pipe pathway he’d need to follow. But how the hell would he ever be able to walk across the prison yard and get into the Asylum? Sucre, bless his heart, had an idea… And it wasn’t completely stupid for once!

Out in the free world, the VP was giving a presser and boy was she steamed. How dare the judge rule for Lincoln’s stay and how dare they exhume her brother. Well, tough shit lady, they did dig up the coffin and they were going to forensically crime scene investigate it. Unfortunately for the good guys, the bad guys were super eco-concious and used a biodegradable coffin and no embalming fluid – making the evidence rather difficult to ascertain. Hey, you gotta look out for the worms and pillbugs when carrying out your conspiratorial plans.

Sucre made his way the laundry room (this being one of those liberal “Free roaming” prisons) to meet up with his cousin, Horatio Sanz. Sucre was begging him for a favor but Horatio wasn’t budging. For his part, Horatio didn’t lose face and laugh uncontrollably like he often does. Hooray-tio! Anyway, Sucre brought up some blackmail item about “the donkey,” and cousin Horatio caved – he’d help out the cause and later dropped off a mysterious package to Sucre in his cell.

EXTREME Sanz!
Lincoln experienced a flashback to Wrigley Field and the Cubs even sucked in his dreams. He was a little kid in his vision enjoying the day with his dad. Later, he asked Dr. Tancredi about “seeing people,” and she confirmed that post traumatic stress disorder and/or anxiety could cause someone to “see things” that would comfort them. Lincoln continued to have flashbacks throughout the episode and at one point saw the name on the back of the pitcher’s jersey – Prall. As it turned out, the mysterious “Dad” at the non-execution gave his name as Willie Prall – a pitcher that young Lincoln enjoyed in 1975 with his dad. Were the 1975 Cubs so bad that little kids had to pin their hopes on career 0-2 pitchers with 8.59 ERA’s? Willie Prall sucked.

There were a few scenes where Bellick and the other Castlevania College guards almost caught the boys, but some quick thinking on the parts of T-Bag, Westmoreland, and C-Note saved their bacon. It should be noted that Bellick did get in a good dig on the prisoners; “You cons are slower than a spelling bee full of stutterers.” I would have gone with, “Slower than Timmy’s rendition of the ‘Twelve Days of Christmas,’ but I’m a bit cooler than Bellick.

After one last scene of the gang where Westmoreland called out C-Note for his ridiculous, “I’m in Iraq not Fox River Prison” scam (He circumvents our previous concerns about the postmark by mailing the postcards to his boy who actually IS in Iraq first – further proof that the show’s writers read this blog), Michael went into the maze of pipes to seek out the new escape route.

EXTREME Old Head!
And speaking of the show’s writers, here’s another note to you: Michael was concerned about the maze of pipes – the original lead pipes overlayed with copper pipes some years later, and then updated again with a third run of PVC piping. With so many choices, his path would be a confusing and difficult one. I have to ask, why? Each pipe system is independent of the other – Michael said this himself. Once he’s in one set, he can’t mistakenly jump to another, right? Feel free to email J-Unit to remind him to not let anyone else with OCD write recaps.

Michael made his way to the manhole in the prison yard and climbed up through it. The guard tower light shone upon him and – he was wearing a guard’s outfit! Nice work, Horatio Sanz, nice work. Michael gave the tower the official prison guard wave and was thusly ignored, scheduled guard rounds be damned. Next stop: the Wack Shack.

He was able to convince the guard guy at the Asylum that he was simple a guard who needed to piss, no credential necessary. (Oh, to be as handsome as Michael and always get what I want…) Instead of pissing, though, Michael wound his way down into the creepist basement I’ve ever seen. This was an insane asylum for criminals after all, but why the tricycles and cobwebbed shopping carts? Weird. After poking around for a few minutes, Michael found the convenient hole in the ground down into the pipes. He flashed a smile but that was because he didn’t realize bedcheck was occuring back near his cell. Uh-oh…

The CSI:Chicago team was examining the supposed corpse of the VP’s brother. The guy who did the forensics looked very similar to the old bearded guy on CSI: Original. He claimed that the only evidence he could readily test was the dental records and that the dead guy was indeed Terrance Steadman. Nick and Veronica left the room in disgust and bumped into the Vice President just hanging out in the hallway. She glared at the two lawyers and said, “You’ve gotten your pound of flesh. Are you done now or would you like to hurt my family some more?” Much to my chagrin, Nick didn’t quip, “Just a pound? Your rotting maggot infested brother weighs much more than that, you bitch.”

EXTREME corpse!
Michael wound his way back to his cell though the pipes again while the bedcheck guard was inching closer and closer to Sucre. While slinking through the steamroom, a random guard appeared, walked down the stairs, and snuck in a few hits from his vodka bottle. Typical state employee.

Unfortunataly for our hero, the guard’s close presence forced Michael to back up into a hot steam pipe. Funny that in an episode where Lincoln was supposed to fry, his little brother was the one turned into crispy flesh-bacon. *SSSssssssttttt* Ouch. The boozing guard shuffled away and Michael made it back to his cell before the guards noticed his absense.

Once in his cell, Sucre had to rip the melted polyester shirt from his 3rd degree burn. The guard saunted past and somehow didn’t notice the putrid smell of burning flesh. Of course this latest injury (perhaps even worse than having his pinky toe lopped off way back when) would have to be treated by Dr. Tancredi and of course Michael would confound her by not telling her how he got so badly burnt and of course she’d get mad at him again and of course she’ll get over it next week and of course Michael will end up finger-banging her in the Wack Shack basement hung upside down from the moldy macrame bondage swing I saw down there. Hey, I told you it was a weird basement. And you can now cross “finger-bang” off of your “sg-dub crazy word bingo” sheets, if you had that.

I told you it was a bad burn
Sucre was blamed for Michael’s burn but he denied having anything to do with it. But then when Bellick sarcastically quipped, “Do you want me to bring Matlock in on this one,” and Sucre honestly answered, “Who’s Matlock?” – Then Bellick and Pope knew he was lying. Who’s Matlock?! Only the greatest trial lawyer of all time!

Tying up the final loose ends, Horatio Sanz (or, “D-Cups” as the guard called him. I love this show.) had to answer to the burned guard shirt and Sucre had to answer his cousin’s question of, “What you got going on that gots you burning up guard suits?” So now Horatio was begging to get in on the plan. Sigh.

Finally, Kellerman and Brinker were reviewing videotape of whoever slipped the judge the appendectomy files – it wasn’t too clear, but it sure looked like Willie Prall/Lincoln’s father to me. And not only that, Brinker claimed to know the man. Ok, now it’s getting GOOD. If that weren’t enough to get you excited for Monday night, Dr. Tancredi identified a piece of fabric stuck in Michael’s burn wound as a guard shirt AND furthermore, the burn burned off some important piece of the pipe blueprint tattoo on Michael’s back.

EXTREME pain!
AND now I totally want a macrame bondage swing. Totally.