Cyndi Lauper Was Right: Money Changes Everything

Some pretty good stuff this week on Prison Break as The Fox River 7 (well, should it be 6 since Haywire is still nowhere to be found), all converge West towards the buried treasure in Utah, which for the first time is revealed to have cities within it. Also, we get to see some of our favorite boys together, working for a common goal again: T-Bag, Michael, Lincoln and Tweener. It’s like a Beatles Reunion Tour, except slightly less awkward. As a matter of fact, besides the cringe inducing subplot involving Sucre and Maricruz, I’d say, all in all, this was the best episode of the season thus far. Find out why, after the jump…Its road trip day on Prison Break! We start off seeing our favorite convict brothers heading towards Salt Lake City, Utah on Highway 150. Whoa. Are you telling me there are cities in Utah? CWAZZZZY. Michael has loosened up on the rules just a bit, so Linc is enjoying a little lite-radio listening. The only rub is that in between “Making Love Out of Nothing At All” and “After All” you have to listen to news reports on your old pally John Abruzzi getting shot up with more holes than the plot of Prison Break. How meta. Linc didn’t think that Abruzzi would be the first one to get nabbed, but obviously he didn’t know how strictly those bastards at Volkswagen enforce their endorsement contracts. Michael has gone past brooding into a down right simmer, as he fumes about their need to get to Utah, find Westmoreland’s stashed dough, and head to Mexico. Michael wants to own his dive shop and he wants to own it now! Linc makes the mistake of suggesting that they just head to Arizona, pick up LJ and go to Panama. I love the way that Linc casually suggests they “pick up LJ”, as if he were some spoiled brat who they were picking up from summer camp. Michael throws a hissy fit about needing the money to be able to do anything. Hark, is that the first sign of the unraveling of a one Mr. Michael Scofield?

On a train around Wyoming, C-Note is trying to smooth talk his way out of not having a ticket. He is quite charming, and while the elderly conductor isn’t 100% convinced, he lets it slide for now. This is the first time I’ve really liked C-Note, using something else other than machismo to get out of a jam. Another side to him is quite welcome. However, I’m confused about something over here. I thought the last time we saw C-Note he was waiting outside his old house, as his wife was talking to the female Federal Agent Mahone had sent to his house (Rainbow Room, picture, etc). As a matter of fact, wasn’t his wife setting him up, as she left the porch lights on, their signal that everything was copasetic? Have I missed a step?

In Colorado, Tweener and Debra Jean are all cuddle bunnies in bed, as she’s making suggestions that they run away to Hawaii together. Tweener, I know that you’ve been in jail for a little bit, but really? Debra Jean? This pairing doesn’t seem all that organic to me, mostly because Debra Jean looks like she got hit in the face with a pan. There’s a knock at the door which causes Tweener to freak out a tad and hide in the bathroom once Debra Jean investigates and sees it’s a cop. Tweener could afford to take a few lessons in stealth from my new buddy, C-Note. Of course, since Debra Jean isn’t only busted she’s kind of dumb, she thinks it’s cute that Tweener spazzes out in the presence of police officers. She answers the door and the cop shows a picture of Tweener with his crazy 80′s moussed out hair from last year.

The cop asks if she’s seen Tween, which she says she hasn’t. My question is: Why Tweener? Why not all of the convicts? He was last spotted in the train station in Illinois (if anyone even spotted him at all) and now they are hundreds of miles away. Why would he be asking her if she’s seen only Tweener? This is where I have to snap that rubber band on my wrist to remind me that I’m not thinking too deeply about this show anymore, and just enjoying the ride. Wrist bruised, I thigns snap back into place, as Debra Jean has successfully shooed the police office away and Tweener is trying to explain himself. In a way it is kind of tragic that Tweener has gotten into all this trouble, just because he stole a baseball card and it was considered Grand Larceny. Debra Jean lays out a plan for Tweener, in which she will go for a walk, and when she returns her car will be missing; a few hours later she’ll report it stolen and it will be found abandoned. I half expect Tweener to ask her to repeat the plan slowly for him while he writes it down. As a matter of fact visions of “Mr. Thompson” vs. “Mr. Simpson” dance in my head (if you’re a Simpsons fan I hope you dig the reference, if you’re not, well, you don’t like to laugh in the first place). Debra Jean leaves, but not before Tweener can tell her that he wishes things could be different. I can’t tell if that’s because he really has feelings for her or it’s because he finally got a good look at her and longs for Avocado.

In Twillie (best city name, ever?), the brother Scofield and Burrows are commenting on what a small-town this is. And they’re just small-town boys. Livin’ in a lonely world. And C-Note? He’s taking his train headed for annnnyyyyywhhhhhere. But all is not laughs and Journey songs for the boys, as we see T-Bag lurking about! He too has made it to Twillie, at quite a convenient time. Ugh, rubber band snap.

At Agent Mahone’s office, we find out that T-Bag didn’t kill the kindly Mr. Curtain from last week, but just beat him up pretty bad. Doesn’t seem T-Bag’s MO does it? Especially not after the spectacle that went on with the death of that nice, miracle surgeon Vet, earlier in the season. Regardless, Mahone wants some news on Scofield and Scofield alone. Tunnel vision, much? Luckily one of the Tech mutants has been able to recover about 60% of Michael’s hard drive after it was fished out of the river. Doesn’t throwing your hard drive in the river seem like it would leave more room for discovery than smashing it in to a million pieces? Bad move Michael.

Back in Twillie, Michael can’t find Double K Ranch, the place where Westmoreland supposedly buried $6 million under a silo. Lincoln isn’t too surprised – hey did you know he doesn’t trust anyone? I also suspect that he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about a rat’s ass! He tells Michael that Westmoreland “used his last breathe to blow smoke up your ass”, which seems like a pretty silly way to use one’s last breath. And I know – I have Asthma. Whether or not Westmoreland is a filthy whore of a liar, Michael can find out by simply strolling into the Municipal Building, which might be teeming with cops, but is also full of delicious Tax Assessors reports. Turned on yet?

We next get to see a mopey Tweener abandoning Debra Jean’s car. He’s sad, because it might have only been a few days, but Tweener was in love. He leaves the car and wipes it clean of his fingerprints – a nice effort, but apparently Tweener was too busy watching BET to check out an episode of CSI – and writes ALOHA on the window. I know that this means we’re supposed to root for Tweener and his forbidden love, but … ehh… Tweener can do better. Oh. And I have no soul.

We next get to see my favorite character on the show, the duplicitous Agent (I use the term Agent loosely, because I have no idea who he is agenting for) Kellerman, who has a rather Cloak & Dagger conversation with a one Mr. Kim about his updates on the Burrows problem. Kellerman boasts about gaining the confidence of Dr. Sara, which we’ve learned isn’t exactly the hardest thing to do. I mean, Tara Reid puts up more of a fight giving it up. Regardless, he’s heard Dr. Sara talk to Michael (a la last week’s clandestine phone call) and once Dr. Sara leads him to Michael that will in turn lead them all to Burrows. Finally, the conspiracy makes a short, but welcome return to the plot. It’s been totally backburnered ever since Duckface took a bullet to the Bill in the season premiere. My only concern is that I know “The Company”, in conjunction with evil Prez Reynolds, was framing Lincoln for murder as revenge against his father, and possibly as a way to smoke him out, but I just hope that this whole thing isn’t a revenge plotline. I’m assuming that Lincoln’s dad has some info that “The Company” needs to keep hush, hush, because if it’s just a big case of revenge it’s going to be mondo lame. There seems to be a power struggle between Kellerman and Mr. Kim, over who is on top (dirty) of the information food chain, with both reporting directly to Prez Reynolds.

At Dr. Sara’s apartment she is opening some mail, and gets another Origami Crane, this time with a phone number on it. Later, she heads over to another boring Church AA meeting where they are being taught about earning forgiveness. When the love fest ends, Dr. Kellerman now wearing his sweet demeanor and non-threatening smile as his alter ego, Lance, says that he wants to make Dr. Sara some pie. Dr. Sara is kind of caught off guard, as her pie shop is off -limits since the whole “fell in love with a criminal who used me to break himself and 7 other prisoners out of jail” thing. She politely declines. Lance quickly switches gears and says that he understands wanting to be alone, his “partner” is gone and he’s been alone for quite sometime. HOLY COW! Lance is gay! No, not Kellerman, Lance! This does not bode well for Lance Armstrong’s heterosexuality, since 2 of my 3 favorite Lance’s are now gay. Well, played Kellerman, if you can’t charm your way into her pants might as well charm your way into her heart, with the best disguise of all: non-threatening gay best friend. Dr. Sara is incredibly embarrassed. She thought that by make, he meant fondle, and by pie, he meant her vagina. If he can bring the pie to her place she’s in.

At the FBI office, Mahone has quickly gone from shrewd, logical genius agent to crazy, obsessed pill-popper rogue. He’s out of pills, and very snappy about it. I like the whole pill-popper subplot to Mahone’s storyline, but I don’t like how quickly they made him seem as though he’s come to the end of his rope. I just think a slow burn of madness and obsession might’ve been a little better.

T-Bag is hanging around town looking for some food, when he happens to stumble upon Tweener. T-Bag tries to intimidate Tweener into making him help him out, but Tweener, not only fell in love, he grew some balls over the past few weeks. They aren’t in Fox River anymore, and Tweener doesn’t need T-Bag or his gross hand. However, Tweener is still rather dim, so T-Bag convinces him otherwise.

The next thing we see is a motorcycle heading for Las Vegas, and for a second I have no idea what could be going on in Vegas. And then I remember all about Sucre and his quest for Maricruz, apparently the Holy Grail of Latina brides. In an otherwise excellent episode, this is the only plotline I couldn’t possibly care less about.

Michael and Lincoln decide to enter the municipal building together, and just to make sure things are tense, Lincoln decides to act extra shifty. He might as well have put on a thin curly mustache and a trench coat. Wouldn’t it have been smarter for only Michael to go in, because no one would question someone so pretty? Besides, they are looking for two brothers, and since Lincoln & Michael look like crap or like they’ve, oh I don’t know, been on the run from the law for few weeks, it would’ve probably been a good idea for Lincoln to stay in the car. The problem with having a show centered around someone who is supposed to be a genius is that it’s hard to accept something that you see as completely bogus, such as this.Rubberband snap. Anyway, it’s a miniscule infraction, by comparison, and the guys make it into the building no sweat. They even get into the room where the allusive Map 1213 is held, which will lead them straight to the booty! But the kindly old gentleman,who is giving them the stink eye, happens to be the least of their problems. Bigger is the fact that Map 1213 has already been ripped out of the book. DUN DUN DUNNNN!

Luckily, the culprit isn’t far, as Lincoln and Michael literally run into T-Bag. In this one moment, poor David Wright is replaced as my man-crush, when Michael says to T-Bag “Hey, Pretty,” followed by: “What did you do to yaw hannnnd”, in full T-Bag mimicry. Michael… being funny… IMPOSSIBLE! It’s even more delightful as Michael stands back questioning him as Lincoln puts a beating to him. These guys sure do make a fine team. T-Bag is in a great deal of pain, so he admits to not having the map… but he knows who does.

At the Governor’s House, Kevin McCallister’s dad is meeting with some unnamed high ranking official, regarding his need for Congress approval before he can become the Vice President. As the conversation progresses, Dr. Sara calls her dad, expressing her need to see him and apologize. It seems the brainwashing at AA has started to kick in. The Official tells VP Tancredi that he’s going to need to distance himself even further from his daughter. VP Tancredi explains that he already has distanced himself (the man was like Ice when visiting his daughter in the clink a few weeks back), but according to the White House, it might not be far enough.

On the train, C-Note is acting like my worst commuting nightmare, asking the woman next to him if he can use her laptop, if she has a pen and an extra Sudoku puzzle. She cheerily obliges, which reminds me that this isn’t a depiction of the Long Island Railroad, where people have been shot for less. C-Note checks out an Army website and writes a few things down, which I can only imagine was a map of the Utah area he needs to go to. Unfortunately, while he didn’t get beaten to death with an IPOD for multiple commuter violations, he is getting kicked off the train for being a big, fat liar. He tries to reason with the old, African-American train conductor, but he’s not interested, even if C-Note does call him “Bro” a few times. The police have been called and there are some guards on the train that are going to stay with him until they arrive at the next station. Not if C-Note has anything to say about it! He makes a run for it, and it’s totally Under Siege 2, except without Katherine Heigl to make it appealing. Luckily, the train happens to be crossing over a bridge, and C-Note jumps for it. I think it’s pretty safe to assume that he’ll be jusssst fine.

At the FBI office, Mahone is getting crankier and crankier, but he’s also starting to notice a pattern, once he hears that C-Note was spotted pulling a Steven Seagal in Idaho. Why are they all headed west?

T-Bag informs Michael and Lincoln that the deal brokered with Tweener involved Tweener doing the shoveling while T-Bag stood around making sarcastic, Southern comments. Is it just me or is T-Bag’s accent become less rural South and more Hannibal Lecter with every episode? Just so they won’t have to listen to him, they stuff him in the trunk of the car as they go looking for Tweener.

Tweener has headed into a garden store and grabs some supplies, all while giving a big heaping load of attitude to the friendly store proprietor. He quickly learns the importance of civility when the young store owner decides to beat the shit out of Tweener with a baseball bat, having recognized him as one of the Fix River boys. The beating seems a little excessive, but it does the trick.

Next Michael enters the store, and having watched this past season of Psych, takes note of the out of place items (baseball bat, Tweener) and realizes that the jig is up with this guy. Mikey Sco to the rescue! He punches the guy in the face (first time that Michael’s ever punched someone, you think?), but he doesn’t go down. There is a quick grapple, that would’ve inevitably ended poorly for Michael, but with Lincoln swooping in, he’s okay. They collect Tweener, who claims to also not have the map. Oooh. Seems like they’ve been duped by T-Bag, who made great use of his time in the trunk by memorizing and then eating the map they need to find the money.

Sucre. Wedding. Trying to stop it. Meets Maricruz’s sister. She goes to get Maricruz. Or as I like to call it: Bathroom break.

“Lance” and Dr. Sara are having girl’s night in, and Dr. Sara finally asks Lance if he knows who she is. He says of course, but she doesn’t have to talk about it if she doesn’t want to. She touches on the whole subject briefly, stating that she didn’t mean for any of this to happen, she was trying to help an innocent man out is all. What Lance does want to know is if Dr. Sara and Mikey Sco were you know…involved. Come on Inmate/Hot Prison Doctor sex? That’s got to be hotter than the conjugal visit trailer, right? Dr. Sara dodges the question and is aided by her father at the door. Agent Kellerman starts to panic, hearing the soon-to-be-VP’s voice at the door, but Lance remains cool. Apparently, VP Tancredi isn’t too deep into this conspiracy, since he has no idea who KellerLance is.

Dr. Sara takes her dad into the other room, and lays a huge weepy apology on him, that seems to melt his icy heart. She finally tells him that she’s “Fine…but…scared.” Daddy Tancredi promises that they will get through this together.

Meanwhile, KellerLance starts snooping around and it’s not too long before he finds the phone number on the Crane and puts a trace on the number. Later we find out that the trace on the number was seemingly fruitless, as it hasn’t been in service for 17 years. However, we know that NOTHING in Prison Break is fruitless, except Haywire’s storyline, so this will prove to be very important shortly. My gut is it has something to do with Lincoln & Michael’s dad.

In Vegas, there’s a knock on the door and Sucre answers it to find his evil cousin Hector. Maricruz is “on her way down”, but I sense that if Sucre really wants to see her he should probably check over on ABC where she is starring on The Nine. Sucre doesn’t want Hector raising his child (Maricruz is preggers, remember?), but the cops are on their way, so no time for a reunion. Sucre gets a nice sucker punch in, and leaves on his bike, with the police not far behind him.

Mahone’s supply of pills has just arrived in the form of a dirty looking past informant. We still don’t know what pills they are, or what they do, but we do know that a) Mahone doesn’t want to go to a doctor for fear of “questions” and b) this informant used to feed him information on Oscar Shales.

At the car, T-Bag explains his diabolical plot to the boys, and they have no choice but to let him out of the trunk and to stick poor Tweener back there. It’s like Fox River all over again, isn’t it Tweener? Especially the whole “stuffed in the trunk” nonsense.

C-Note has survived his dive into the water, and has walked over to Utah (don’t ask or consult a map, it’s just easier that way). He stops by a house with a running hose to grab a drink, and notices an RV for sale. The owner comes out, all suspicious-like. She tells him the RV is being sold for $40,000. It’s a little more than the piece of gum and lint that C-Note currently has in his pocket, but he’ll be back for it in a couple of days.

Mahone has his pills now and is super focused on the case. He hears about Sucre in the Vegas area, and slowly puts the whole plan together. He recites the Westmoreland case (famous plan thief, unfound treasure, the whole nine) and starts tracing the steps of the convicts until they reach the same point – Utah! Good for you Mahone!

Governor Tancredi is being prepared to become VP Tancredi. However, he’s suddenly started to take an interest in the Lincoln Burrows case, noting that everyone involved is either missing or dead. Is there something connecting that? He gets a very vague answer, suggesting that asking more questions could be detrimental to his political career. He quickly drops the file, but I can’t help but think that maybe the once dickhead VP Tancredi, might become an ally of Lincoln and Michael.

As the guys are moving towards the Silo, Lincoln and Michael are discussing all the things they are going to do with their money. T-Bag steps into a puddle and we then see Mahone looking in that damned bird feeder again. What’s up with that, you think?

Michael and Lincoln have reached the top 10 things they are going to do with their money, none of which include rescuing LJ from prison and anal rapings. As they get over the hill where the Silo is supposed to be they are totally stunned when instead of piece of land with a huge X marking the spot, they see a housing community. There is no way to the money!

What a fun episode! I really think the show is hitting its stride. Try the rubber band trick; honestly, if you don’t think too much about all the lapses in logic and just enjoy the show as a piece of fluffy entertainment it is most enjoyable!