It’s amazing how time flies when you are a new parent. At the risk of sounding cliché, it seems like only yesterday Prison Break and I went on nearly concurrent hiatus. The show is back and so am I, for as long as I can handle it at least. Since it’s been so damn long since the first half of the season, this awesome season review/preview will catch you up with the various characters and plotlines.
“Pshaw,” you say, “sg-dub ain’t all that – he barely gets any comments!” My man EdHill likes to address me as, “10 comment boy,” as if the number of comments is the measure of a man. Whatever, I don’t see any of the other TVgasm writers getting quoted in the Sunday New York Times, now do I? You know, the PAPER OF RECORD? So what if the article is about arts and crafts and that the writer called me out for calling a crane a duck. (Which is personally kind of funny to me since I’m one of the very few people you know who took a real ornithology course in college.)
Blah, blah, blah, enough about me – an innocent man is about to be executed fer Christ’s sake. All the sizzle and pop after the jump.We were immediately transported to the cliffhanger scene where the would-be escapees were stuck in the supply room, having had their escape route up through the infirmary blocked by the world’s hardest working custodian. Lincoln was trying in vain from above to pry the drainage grate off with a mop. T-Bag was threatening Michael down below with a knife. Sucre and C-Note were sweating profusely. A passing guard heard the clink of a pipe from the gang in the supply room and he was fast approaching…
My goodness, “Prison Break” doesn’t give us a chance to ease back in, does it? The guard opened the supply room door and – abracadabra alla-kazaam – no one was there! Well, they were, but they had all found effective hiding spots behind the supplies. Sherlock the guard noticed the broken pipe in the middle of the floor and decided to pick it up, look at it, sniff it, taste it, and then leave it on the floor to go find his dear Watson.
Phew, that was close! But what to do now? Now that there would be more guards coming to investigate? Old man Westmoreland grabbed the rope and made his way back down into the pipe escape back into the prison cells. The others quickly followed him, but Michael wasn’t going to make it down in time! Two guards now opened the supply room door and – abracadabra alla-kazaam – Michael had vanished down the hole and replaced the grate just in time! The two guards stood there and fiddled with the broken pipe piece again. I couldn’t help but think back to the classic original Nintendo games where the bad guys always walked around at the same slow pace and “forgot” what they just did if you went out of frame for a second – and had no curiosity at all. So yeah, I think these two guards got their training at Castlevania College. (That’s actually a good joke. I figure I have to tell you that since you very most likely didn’t get it.)
Their supervisor, Bellick, was getting ready to call it a day asking his coworkers if any of them wanted to join him for a beer down at Sharky’s. There were no takers, of course, because Bellick is what we call a TOTAL DICK. In both senses of the word; for he noticed the sheetrock that the boys were supposed to be reinstalling hadn’t been touched all night. So he moseyed on over to the guardroom to see what the work detail was up to. Upon arrival, he noticed the door had been locked! The boys were still in the pipe making their way back from the supply room to the guardroom! If Bellick managed to get in they’d surely be busted! The lock broke, Bellick flew through the door and – abracadabra alla-kazaam – Sucre, Michael, C-Note, and T-Bag were all present and accounted for!
Bellick bought their excuse about waiting for the sheetrock to dry, but was clearly pissed and told them to get back to their cells immediately. He turned and left and… And… And remembered there should have been 5 prisoners, not 4! Oh my God! Westmoreland was too old and feeble and couldn’t make it up the rope to get back into the room in time. Now, with only 5 seconds they were surely doomed! Bellick turned and opened the door and – abracadabra alla-kazaam – Westmoreland was standing there with the crew.
At this point, a whopping 10 minutes in, we had now witnessed 4 corny David Copperfield “A-ha!” moments. As much as I dig this show, they really need to ease up on that cinematic tool. It’s tiresome, cheap, and easy. When you do it so often, the viewer is no longer surprised when it happens – effectively ruining a taut scene. But I digress…
The gang was understandably ripshit about the failed escape, but Sucre for one wasn’t mad at Michael. Michael was appreciative but still contemplative; he still needed to save his brother’s life somehow. He figured that the lovely (seriously, she’s cuter now than she was back in the Fall) Dr. Sarah Tancredi was the only person who could save Lincoln. Her father, remember, is the Governor of Illinois. Michael pleaded with Tancredi to talk to her father in the hopes of stopping that night’s execution. Tancredi was very hesitant, however, stating that her father hated her and her pleas would only exacerbate the situation. At his wits end, Michael made one last ditch effort that had worked for him so many times in the past – he stared his beautiful burning blue-eyed stare in to Tancredi’s eyes. She couldn’t say no to that. Hell, before I knew what I was doing, I was calling the Springfield, IL information line.
I don’t normally watch commercials, but I did notice old “Prison Break” pal Abruzzi’s Volkswagen ad was shown right after the infirmary scene I just described. It made me sad. But when he says, “V-dub” it reminds me of me and my “job” recapping here, so let’s get back to it. (I like to think “V-Dub” is a cryptic nod to my “Prison Break” recaps. Don’t ruin my fantasy. Did I mention I was quoted in the New York Times this past Sunday? The GRAY LADY?!)
Out in the free world, Lincoln’s lawyers Veronica and Nick were still attempting to help their client out any way they could. So they tracked down Lyle, as in “Lyle’s Giant Expanding Folder Liquidators.” It turns out Lyle, with his absolutely massive expanding folder, is the court clerk to some judge who could possibly hear Veronica’s plea in order to stay Lincoln’s execution. After some initial hesitation, Lyle pulled his real-live secretary out of his gargantuan folder and had her set up the day so Veronica could be heard.
Although it was sunny downtown where Veronica, Nick, Lyle, and Lyle’s folder were, it was dreary and raining at the prison just across town. There, T-Bag was going on and on about how he was going to kill Michael, blah blah blah. Sucre, finally having had enough of his crap, stood up and offered to beat the snot out of T-Bag if he didn’t shut up. He shut up. Westmoreland, however, did not; he offered Michael a heartwarming tale about a guy he knew of who was strapped into the electric chair but when the switch was thrown, there was a short and he was allowed to live for three more torturous weeks. Awwww, what a wonderful story!
But aha! This gave Michael an idea. And double aha! Tweener reappeared, said something stupid, made a funny face, and ambled on his annoying way. Stupid ass Tweener.
Saint Michael of Assisi returned to his cell and immediately went into the walls again with a packet of what looked to be a Chicken of the Sea Tuna pouch. Within seconds of opening it, a rat sauntered up and Michael snatched it up by his tail. Then, with a wild look in his eyes, Michael bit the head off the rat and offered the carcass up to his Lord and Master, Satan. Well, that’s what I assume happened anyway as the show whisked us off to Dr. Tancredi consoling Lincoln. Awww, isn’t that sweet? Then, Michael was back in his cell without offering any explanation to Sucre – or us. Yup, he’s obviously an agent of the Evil One.
What’s this? Stupid ass Tweener again? Eating fast food with Bellick again? Yup… Tweener even adopted Bellick’s habit of dipping his fries in his shake and then enjoying the salty/sweet taste of the greasy fried treat. I’d have been grossed out if I didn’t see Paula Deen pass that off as her dairy and vegetable components of her “balanced” lunch. After dispensing with the pleasantries (“You like dippin’ a fry in a shake?” “Hells yeah!”), Bellick got down to business. He wanted to know what Michael was up to.
Tweener had nothing to offer and took a bite of his burger. (Why the sound engineers have decided that these fast food scenes need to sound like Star Jones going down on Carnie Wilson is beyond me.) This, of course, pissed Bellick off so much so that he took Tweener’s burger away and threatened him with extortion. Tweener suddenly remembered the half-conversation he overheard about the malfunctioning electric chair and Bellick was happy. So happy, in fact, momentarily forgot Tweener was there and dipped his schlong in the shake. Hells yeah.
So Bellick went to check out the chair itself to make sure it was working. The attendant guard had just completed testing with the electrician and it had checked out perfectly fine. “TEST IT AGAIN,” Bellick bellowed. Of course the chair didn’t work this 2nd time. How did Scofield do it?! A quick check of the fuse box gave us our answer: There was the rat, fried to perfection across just the exact wires necessary to short out the chair. The boner Bellick had from his shake was now assuredly gone.
Veronica and Nick were now arguing Lincoln’s case in court and boy did Veronica sound nuts. “Like, this guy agent Kellerman killed a priest and then some crackhead lady and then my clients ex-wife and her husband and then I saw him shoot Agent Pussy in an alleyway and it’s all a set-up and the video evidence is doctored and….” And, yeah right, lady, give it a rest. Call Fox Mulder and leave us all alone.
At Fox River prison, a technician told Bellick that rates get into the fuse boxes all the time and that what happened was “normal.” So a rat (Tweener) ratted on Scofield who used a rat to cause Bellick to exclaim, “Rats.” Good stuff. Bellick then told the technician just to replace the fuse and forget about the paperwork and notifying the state and all that necessary legal stuff. The electrician initially balked but then out came the fries and Shamrock Shake and that was that. Fuse… Replaced.
At this point, mere hours before Lincoln’s execution, Michael was allowed last visitation rights. Lincoln had his head shaved and was given a diaper to wear. Michael was still hopeful about the appear process but – d’oh! The judge said no. Lincoln ate a giant blueberry pancake. Michael let Lincoln win at cards. They hugged. The reminisced. They hugged again. I was totally expecting Michael to look skyward, ball up his fists and yell to the heavens, “Whyyyyyyyyyyy???!!” But Veronica showed up before he could do so.
The maudlin scene continued as Lincoln called LJ and related some story about how he dreams of hammering nails in a roof with him and how they’ll see each other again someday to do just that. What religion teaches that? Handy-dandy TVgasm choose your religion:
A) Go to eternal happy place with gold streets called heaven.
B) Go to eternal happy place with 72 virgins.
C) Go to state which constitutes the attainment of that which is “Eternal, Self, Bliss, and Pure”.
D) There is no heaven. The concept of heaven was a false implant created 43 trillion years ago on Teegeeack. When you die your body thetan goes to a landing station on Venus where it is programmed with more evil lies by the followers of Xenu about your next life. The ugly truth is your thetan is dumped in the gulf of lower California and you are on your own. That is why you need to become an Operating Thetan III, wherein you are immortal.
E) Eternally hammer nails in a roof.
Did Michael just give Lincoln a hickey?
Hmmm, I actually may take E over D.
At the last second, Dr. Tancredi pleaded with her dad after all, making the case that Lincoln was certainly not guilty beyond a reasonable doubt. As Lincoln made his way to the death chamber, the wardens cell phone rang. Now, we often say that CTU’s cellies are the best, as they never run out of batteries. But I think “Prison Break’s” are even better – perfect reception in the bowels of a prison?! Amazing. And so, on the greatest cell phone in existence, the Governor told Warden Pope to carry on with the execution. The Governor then asked to speak to the doomed prisoner and said, “Hey Lincoln! Can you hear me now?” Oh, snap!
Then we saw the mysterious Vice President 30 something, the sister of the supposedly deceased, the woman who apparently is running the conspiratorial show, the bitch who controls Kellerman – we saw here with Governor Tancredi! Didn’t see that one coming.
In the final scene, the Ghost of Christmas Past cum Lincoln Burroughs shuffled down the hallway to meet his doom. The brothers and Veronica all exchanged hugs and kisses and flashed each other all the expressions you’d expect. Boy, this was a sad, sad scene. (This has been a hard recap to find the funny.) Sigh (*wiping tear*). Lincoln had a quick flashback montage all centered on the George Michael song, “Faith,” and how one must have it. Powerful, powerful stuff. Lincoln approached the electric chair certain to die within a few minutes. Damn.
Then FOX showed us previews for next week featuring Lincoln Burroughs running around. The previews continued to explain that your parents are really Santa and the Easter Bunny and that phone sex operators don’t really like you.
Hells yeah, FOX.