Manhunt: The Fox River 8… Err… 7

So sorry my Prison Break fans, but I know you have all gotten used to Amanda’s “well written” and “coherent” recaps of Prison Break over these past two weeks, but now its Umnata’s turn behind the recap wheel. Don’t worry Amanda will be back in a few weeks, so you won’t have to read my ramblings for too long.

Anyway, things start heating up this week, as we lose one of the Fox River 8. No, not back to prison for this chap – it’s the dirt nap for him. But who is it? Innocent, dim Tweener? Perhaps one of the brothers, Michael or Lincoln? Does crime boss Abruzzi have more VW commercials to make or perhaps C-Note will realize that Love Stinks and get turned in by his wife? Of course there is always the blinded by love Sucre or Haywire, who for all we know got caught and/or killed weeks ago, since we haven’t seen him yet this season. The one thing we do know is that it must not be the super powered T-Bag. NOTHING can stop that guy.
The boys are with Nika in their car after they faked their death last week. Michael promises Nika her $10,000 for helping them out, but from the way Nika is looking at him from the backseat a ride on the Scofield express might just make them even. Linc, ever the astute one, notices a car rapidly approaching in the rearview mirror. “Michael we have company!” This leads me to wonder: would I ever notice if I was being followed? I’ve got to say the chances are pretty slim, since whenever I’m driving that automatically means that I’m singing as if I’m fighting for the very last spot on American Idol. The car gets rammed, but who is it? IT’S BELLICK! Wow. That’s got to a blow to the ego for Michael, huh? After all this time planning the most elaborate prison escape this side of Tim Robbins, and having a super-soldier serum pumped Agent Mahone hot on your trail, it’s this dumb as rocks civil servant who finally catches up to you?

My favorite part of this scene, and possibly the episode, is that as Bellick is ramming the car he is staring straight at them from the passenger seat, without even so much as flinching as the two cars ram into one another at 65 miles an hour.

Bellick’s Caprice Classic finally knocks them off the road with a little help from random Mack Truck that happens to be driving down this small, country road. Before the good guys can get out of the car they hear gun shots: “Nobody move!” Linc tells Bellick that there is no reason for anyone to get hurt, and then calls him his old moniker: Boss. Well, there’s not need for formalities, since Bellick got fired because of the Scofield and Burrows. And not at all about the fact that he was accepting bribes from inmates for favors. Regardless, Horatio Sanz sang like a fat, unfunny canary and now Bellick knows about Westmoreland’s money. Everyone get comfy: We’re going to Utah! I hear that quaint little city is GORGEOUS this time of year. Bellick and the other guy are moving the three of their prisoners to the car. Bellick is very pleased with himself for finding the two most popular Fox River 8′s because “All they had to do was tail the tail.” This would be the point in the recap where I’d note how unbelievable it would be that Bellick is the only who was watching Nika, but since I’ve decided not to sweat the small stuff with Prison Break, I’ll let it slide. To prove that Michael’s not the only who can formulate a plan, Linc is the one who thinks quickly on his feet and places some glass under the car’s tire. Am I the only one who starting to dig Lincoln a lot this season? He seemed very one note while he was in prison, but now there seems to be a lot more too him. And since I seem to be pretty good at pissing off TVgasm readers, I’ve got to say that while I heart Michael Scofield, and at times my man crush on him reaches uncomfortable levels, Wentworth Miller isn’t exactly the best actor around. Dominic Purcell, however, is not getting nearly enough credit for performance.

Mahone obsessing over Oscar Shales, who if I’m up to date with my Prison Break mythology, is the one escaped convict that Mahone couldn’t catch. I’m vewwwwy interested to see what the back story is there. The annoying partner says that the search of the river by Michael’s house was fruitful, and they found a hard drive that was registered to Michael’s computer. Resist. Urge. To. Mock. The female agent is there telling Mahone that the blood in the blown up car is a match to the brothers. Wait a second. Isn’t this agent supposed to be the one who is talking to C-Note’s wife? And wasn’t C-Note about to walk into a trap set by his wife? Someone help me out on this. Anyway, Mahone doesn’t want the media knowing about the brothers supposed death, because it will cause the other cons to put their collective guards up. In fact the official policy of the CIA is to NOT tell the media anyone is dead until it is confirmed. I have the same policy, but switch out anyone with beer.

Tweener is driving to Utah with Debra Jean, the weird faced college student who was looking for someone to split travel costs with on her trip back to the city of Utah. Tweener might be a great thief and good at giving head (no complaints from Avocado), but what he isn’t very good at is being smart or subtle. Becky Sue is listening to the news, and when talk turns to the Fox River 8, Tweener leaps out of his seat and switches the channel. I’m not sure, but I don’t think that Tweener knows that there are no pictures on the radio. He covers by claiming to be a huge John Denver fan and singing “Sweet Country Home” quite horribly. Little does Tweener realize that this is the biggest hole in his entire story: There are NO huge John Denver fans! Just to drive the point home that Tweener is jittery and a moron, he again freaks out when Becky drives at the limit through a police monitored speed trap.

Bellick can’t believe he’s going to say this, but he thanks God for Scofield. I suppose if it wasn’t for Michael, Bellick would have no chance at making a fortune, and he’d still be at the job he loves, with the respect of his peers and possibly even his pride in tact. Who’d want that? Michael sense that Nika is nervous and tells her it’s going to be okay. Nika counters with, “I don’t want to hear from you right now.” Now, Bellick might not be the greatest guy in the world, but he’s a pretty fun character to hate. More importantly he is intensely quotable: “That is one pisst off commie.” Oh will the wounds of the Cold War ever heal!?!? I hope not! Bellick, of course, takes it one step further by calling Michael and Lincoln’s mother a whore, leading the hotheaded Lincoln to lunge in attack. But Bellick and his buddy have guns, so Lincoln backs off before he even begins. Much like the indestructible T-Bag vs. the Vet, I just got to think that Lincoln and Michael can take on these two middle-aged guys, even if they did have guns. Sure, Michael is a pretty boy, but anyone who is willing to tattoo their whole body, has got to be used to at least some small measure of pain.

Meanwhile, Dr. Sara is BORED at rehab meeting in church. The meeting is almost over, but one last sad sack wants to speak: “Lance” aka psycho killer Agent Kellerman, His story is quite an elaborate heartbreaker: Mother died of MS last week. Just like his grandfather and his sister did, and he one day will. We now learn that Dr. Sara was that girl in class, as she interrupts him to correct his heartbreaking confession: MS isn’t genetic. “What are you a doctor?” “Lance” snaps. As a matter of fact she is a doctor; a disgraced, criminal, drug-addicted doctor, but a doctor none the less. On a side note, why is Dr. Sara oh so pretty! I hope you all remember my inappropriate crush on Dr. Sara from the season premiere recap!

We’re now in Brooklyn, NY. Everybody in a shady looking Mafioso kitchen is told to face the wall because Brad Pitt is coming in. No that’s not Brad! It’s Abruzzi! The plan to get him and his family out of country to Sardinia is in full-effect. When Abruzzi finally reaches the backroom, his wife and two kids are so pleased to see him! It’s such a nice, genuine reunion you almost forget that Abruzzi’s the same guy who put hedge clippers to poor Michael Scofield’s little piggies.

Speaking of people who’ve been maimed by Abruzzi, T-Bag stops at a rest stop to treat the pain caused in his Luke Skywalker hand. He takes some pills to ease the pain and then grabs a scalpel and jabs it into his fingertip. I don’t know why he’s doing this (remove fingerprints?) but he is interrupted by some gross hippie kid. He comes back to the parking lot all of 25 seconds later and cops are everywhere.

Linc’s plan finally comes together, and Bellick’s Caprice is on the side of the road with a flat tire. You know why I’d be better at kidnapping someone than Bellick? Because my dad wouldn’t let me leave the house without a spare tire. Since Big Ed wasn’t around to help out Geary, Bellick sends him off into town to get a new spare. Nika’s getting her Russian on, angry and complaining about the $5 million Michael had waiting for him, when all he was going to send was $10,000. Ehh, the girl’s got a point. Bellick, again being delightfully slimy, wants to make sure that with all the hassle Nika is being, that Scofield at least gets to see behind the iron curtain every now and again. When they get into the shed Nika tells Bellick they need to talk: “I want to ruin his life the way he ruined mine!”

Apparently the problem with T-Bag’s car is that it’s abandoned. T-Bag creates the alias Clyde May, and ratchets the southern yokel up a few notches to appease the cops. “Clyde” claims to be a war vet with a damaged hand from battle, not say a pedophilic murderer with a hand sewn on by a veterinarian. The reason the cops are there is that they noticed the abandoned vehicle at the gas station. When a car is stopped with nobody in it at a gas station, doesn’t that mean it’s parked, not abandoned? T-Bag tells them about the Hippie in the bathroom, and claims the car belongs to him. One of the cops goes into the bathroom to check it out, while the other grills T-Bag about his Marine Corps roots. Alas, T-Bag is slightly smarter than his bleached blonde hair would imply: When he saw the cops he went back into the bathroom and dropped the keys to the car into the hippie’s bag. Now the hippie is going to jail, probably for Grand Larceny and Murder in the First (for the Vet), so all is right in the world. Much like Cartman, I can’t stand hippies.

In the abandoned shed the Bellick has led them into, Michael tells Linc to stop stressing. Linc doesn’t trust Nika though because his mother taught him to never trust women, Russians or anyone in a Pink Velour sweat suit. All good points, but is Nika flipping or is this all one of Michael’s elaborate plans? Nika tells Bellick she can help set up Michael and Linc, but for a price. Bellick kindly offers her $10,000 for a romp on the floorboards. Nika declines for the next 1,000 years. After that, though, it’s anyone’s game. Millions of dollars are at stake and Bellick can only think with his cock. Who can blame him Nika? You are looooking FINNNNNE. She was hoping that Bellick wouldn’t let Michael outsmart him too. “Scofield ain’t outsmarting no one.” That’s not too convincing an argument now is it, Bellick? Nike brings to his attention that the tire didn’t go flat by accident. What’s the offer? Nika finds out where the money is and she gets her fair share, which according to Bellick is about $200,000. Nika tries to argue, but Bellick’s gun ends negotiations rather quickly.

Abruzzi is coloring with his kids, when he finds out that Fibonacci is in DC. Is info any good? Of course, it comes from Fishhead Tommy from Jersey, who wants to pay tribute, as the writers want to make tribute to The Sopranos. Sylvia, the wife, slaps Abruzzi a good few times arguing with him about going to risk everything for vengeance. She wouldn’t understand, but he has to make the person who betrayed him pay. He doesn’t care that he could lose his family or go back to jail. Don’t worry about that sweetheart, he’s not going back to jail, he’d rather (cue ominous music) DIE! Sylvia makes what is commonly known as the last valid argument in a fight by citing Jesus. I’m glad that brought up Abruzzi’s born again beliefs, because between the escape and cutting off T-Bag’s hand, I thought he might have forgotten what Jesus would and would not do.

Becky is on phone with someone. When she sees Tweener coming, she says: “He’s here I have to go.” Now, she wants to stop at the next motel. Tweener offers to drive, but Becky gets all testy and just wants to stop. Sniff, sniff. Is that a rat I smell? Or a Red Herring?

Cut to a scene in which Mahone says: “Of all the players in this thing it’s the rat that could give us our first collar.” Subtle, guys. Real, subtle.

We find out more about Bellick as he offers to watch Nika pee. In addition to money, and strippers, Bellick also likes golden showers! The ever distrusting, Lincoln notes that Nika took her sweet little time talking to Bellick. She answers him by saying that it takes time to gain a man’s confidence, but is she talking about Michael or Bellick? Just tell her where to tell Bellick the money is and that’s what she will tell him. But can we trust her? I don’t know, I’ve seen Red Dawn and visions of Irina Derevco are still dancing in my head.

T-Bag is stopped by super friendly and ultimately doomed, Jerry Curtain (as in, he’s curtains) from the gas station. His dad was a vet from Vietnam, so he has a lot of respect for servicemen. He offers him a ride, but the only ride T-Bag wants is from Jerry’s tweenage daughter, Dani.

Nika has to use the bathroom, so she and Bellick can have some more face time. She tells Bellick that the guys have planned a trap for him in Panguitch, Utah – finally a town – where Lincoln has some friends on a drug farm that are going to be waiting for Bellick. $200,000 was old price for this information, however. She’s proven her worth and now she wants 1/3 of the total booty. That’s going to take a lot more than information for $1.6 million; Bellick wants a piece of her Commie ass any time he wants. She says no problemo; she’s slept with guys for less. I mean, she didn’t even sleep with Michael and look at all she’s done for him. They start making out, and luckily we break too commercial so I can take a quick shower because I’ve never felt so dirty as I have when watching this.

Sylvia, Abruzzi’s wife, comes back into the room with wads of cash, and realizes that Abruzzi has gone on his revenge mission, despite her and baby Jesus’ pleas against it.

Scofield trusts Nika, but Linc says when money is on the line, you don’t trust anyone. Linc knows better, he always gets screwed whenever he trusts someone. Wah, Wah, Wah. Who will melt Lincoln’s icy heart? Certainly not Duckface, cause bitch is dead!

Debra Jean is on the phone again telling someone where she is, but when Tweener comes in she hangs up. Dun dun dunnnn. Who is this girl? I just imdb’d her and this is the first thing she’s been in. She’s not all that pretty, and not really a very good actress, so is anyone else thinking Executive Producer’s God daughter? Tweener has just come in with some snacks and finally asks the question that’s been on all of our minds: Does Becky have a man? Okay, so that wasn’t on anyone’s mind, but I like Tweener and hope he gets laid real soon. When Becky doesn’t immediately answer, he recants. Duh, she’s a Mormon, because she’s from Utah, so of course… Becky ends Tweener’s ramblings, by letting him in on the little known secret that not all girls from Utah are Mormon. Both Tweener’s face and his cock light up: “So you can party, right?”

Mahone meanwhile is ordering choppers to an unspecified location.

“Lance” comes over to Dr. Sara after the meeting at the coffee table and apologies for being an ass during earlier. Dr. Sara apologizes for interrupting him. He’s quite a charmer this cold blooded killer!

Dani Curtain, the young daughter of the guy who picked up T-Bag, is sitting by the pool reading. T-Bag comes over and it’s immediately uncomfortable. Wow, watching a pedophile at work, never thought I’d see that. And I’m SURE that Robert Knepper, the talented actor who portrays T-Bag is a lovely gentleman, but when you play a creepy character this well, there is just no way I can ever make a distinction between the actor and the character, so you will now and forever be remembered as a pedophile who killed that nice Vet. Dani is reading “Young Miss”, which T-Bag calls insulting, because she’s a grown woman. Parents are always trying to infantilize children her age, which T-Bag finds offensive. Dani’s dad wants to keep her a baby, but she’s old enough to make her own decisions. With decisions, T-Bag gets uncomfortably close, and puts an arm around Dani.

Dani freaks out and tells her dad who is not pleased with this. He sends Dani outside, and he picks up an iron, saying that they are going to settle this little issue. “Jerry you really don’t want to do this.” Why not! You’re telling me this guy who is now holding a weapon (sure, an iron is a weapon – isn’t that a part of Clue? No, is a piece in Monopoly – but regardless), can’t take on T-Bag and his hand and a half? Just rip off his hand Jerry!

I thought I couldn’t feel dirtier, but then this happened:

Don’t worry, it was only a red scare – She was playing him! She reaches for the gun while grinding (puke) on top (puke) of Bellick (puke), but Bellick isn’t as dumb as he looks. He realizes this was just a KGB mission, but thought he’d get a little bump & grind out of the deal. Not too dub at all! Or is he? The report is in: He IS as dumb as he looks. The gun was just a diversion, what Nika was really looking for was his knife, which Linc pulls on him once again giving the convicts the upper hand.

Poor Geary, who just walked the spare tire back three miles from town and gets to deliver the best line of the night when he sees Bellick tied up: “Oh you really suck Bellick, you know that?” Bellick and Geary get all tied up, but not before Bellick can inflict some psychological damage. He tells Nika that she’s lucky if she gets off with less than the overdose and possible thirty years in jail Dr. Sara, got for tangling with Michael. This is a totally shock to Michael, who hasn’t been reading the papers, which I don’t believe for a second. Wouldn’t they want to keep up with their own case via the media? Michael tells Bellick to shut up, but not before her gets this little dig in: “What do you care as long as she left the door open.” Michael, resorting to violence for the first time, kicks Bellick in the face.

Dani comes out of lobby and sees her dad’s car, but it’s T-Bag behind the wheel. Seriously, does this guy have the Powers of Greyskull or something and we just don’t know it yet?

Outside the AA meeting, Dr. Sara is flirting cute with “Lance”, not realizing that he’s really the duplicitous Agent Kellerman. I particularly like the exchange about how great the pie, it but it’d be so much better with some crack and a “dollop of smack.” He even gets downright silly when he says: “Mmm… that’s good pie,” in an affected voice. It seems as thought Dr. Sara is buying this charade hook line and sinker, and who can blame her? I know that he’s been killing people left and right throughout last season, and I’m even convinced that he is not so bad. More of these scenes please!

Unfortunately, the fun is broken up when Dr. Sara gets phone call and from Michael. As he’s talking to her in what I can assume is meant to be whisper I can’t help but think he sounds more constipated than stealthy. He knows “they” might be listening, but he doesn’t care. Much like Buddy the Elf, he’s in love and he doesn’t care who knows it! He begs her not to hang up, and she doesn’t, even though she doesn’t want to talk to him. Oh, Dr. Sara, don’t know that bad boys are nothing but trouble! If only she’d banged a drummer during high school and gotten it out of her system, she wouldn’t be in this mess in the first place. Go back to that nice former drug addict you were just flirting with. He seems realllllly nice. Michael heard about what happened. He’s sorry. Well, then I guess all is forgiven. Lurking in the shadows, while Michael is having his MTV Diaries moment with Dr. Sara is a none-too-pleased Nika. Dr. Sara correctly states that, sorry isn’t really gonna help as she takes on the President of the United States. Michael understands, but wants to warn her that anyone with ties to him and his brother are in danger. Well, that’s just fine since Dr. Sara doesn’t feel she has any ties to these trouble makers. If you don’t count the heartstrings Michael is pulling, that is. There is a way he can protect her – and conveniently it’s already in her possession. Think back to the origami Crane that Michael left in her bag, with what many clever TVgasm readers deduced, was Morse code on it. He finishes by saying the words so many Dr. Sara and so many women across the country have been waiting to hear: “It was… real you and me. It’s real.” He hangs up, but not before Dr. Sara can finally say “Michael?” within earshot of her new buddy “Lance.”

Mahone and his cronies are on the way to the motel. BUT WHICH MOTEL?

Tweener comes out of the shower, where apparently he’s been wailing on his abs.

Debra Jean is heading out for some tequila and limes, but she seems kinda nervous. Is it because she just called the fuzz on poor, little Tweener? Tweener puts Debra Jean to ease: “He’s one of the good guys” “You seem like it,” Debra Jean responds with the actress’ limited emoting. She leaves. And we’re left thinking that this will be the end of Tweener. Sigh.

But wait! Abruzzi’s car is pulling up to a Motel also! Could it be he is the one Mahone is going to intercept? Abruzzi realizes that there is no Fibonacci in the room that he enters. The 5-0 shows up and Abruzzi realizes he was set up – AGAIN! D’OH! Mahone offers this sage advice: “Whatever you’re thinking about doing John… don’t.” Mahone gives him two options for the rest of his day: Fox River or the Morgue. Abruzzi thinks for a minute, says a little prayer and starts his surrender. Mahone asks for weapons first, but Abruzzi was never much for details. I smell a sea of bullets coming! Mahone asks Abruzzi to kneel, but he only kneels to God. And for his prison wife, Tiny. Realizing there is no way our of this, Abruzzi picks up his gun and, much like Jon Bon Jovi, is shot down in a blaze of glory.

Becky didn’t turn Tweener in. Phew. I like Tweener. It seems she was on the phone with her dad both times Tweener was away and her dad is very overprotective. She told him everything just to piss him off. As mad as he was mad that she was staying in a hotel room with a guy, he was even more angry that she was staying in a hotel room with a guy she might, sort of like. Score one for Tweener and his cock.

Michael wants to drop Nika off in town, but she says no thanks, she’ll walk. Next they are crossing the border – without her. She can’t go where they are going – not a life for her. No velour pink sweat suits where they are going so she’ll have to settle for a hug. Unfortunately, Michael doesn’t pin her up against the car and relieve the massive sexual tension. Dude, at least go for an ass grab. Maybe Michael doesn’t have a penis. Okay, fine, he’s just a respectable, stand-up guy. Whatever. Nika then goes to give Linc a hug and takes his gun away from him. “I loved you Michael,” she screeches. Oh Christ! She yells that he just used her (kinda true) and she deserved more than this (also kinda true). She should have been more than just a favor booty call. It’s 4 am, and you don’t want sex you just really want someone to help you re-grout your bathroom tile. Who do you call? Nika!!! She doesn’t want the Utah money; she wants the legal, reward money for turning Lincoln and Michael in. Hmm. So you think that’s gonna turn out okay for you, Nika? After you married him for a green card, slipped him a cell phone and credit card while he was in prison, stole Dr. Sara’s keys, knew about the escape plan but did nothing to stop it, harbored them after their escape and brought them your car? I think you might not be as entitled to that money as you think, my little Anastasia. She goes to get the phone to call the police and Michael approaches. “Don’t come any closer or I’ll shoot you!” No you won’t beyotch! Linc took the bullets out of the gun. He knew you can’t trust anyone. Yeah, but was Nika untrustworthy, or did Michael just drive her over the edge? Regardless, Michael has a clear path to Dr. Sara now, so peace out Nika!

Mahone back at the office after the Abruzzi massacre. HQ called and they are very angry about the Abruzzi thing. The way he played it there was only one possible outcome. Mahone says that if HQ doesn’t like the way he handles himself they can pick up a gun and follow him in next time. Actually, they could just fire you and replace you with someone who isn’t a “rogue” who can take orders. Whichever. But finally some good news for Mahone: the crash was staged. It was pig blood in the car. Mahone admires Michael’s smarts but there is a problem with being that clever. Sooner of later you end up being too clever for your own good. While Mahone is saying all this we get flashes of that Oscar Shales guy who has eluded Mahone all these years. What I keep thinking is that when they staged the car crash they didn’t think of using some of their own real blood? I guess they had no time to sit and pump their blood out or whatever. I just thought that would’ve been kind of cool. Regardless, Mahone’s next order of business is to beat up the cork board he has reviewing the case. So it seems that Mahone is a little CWAZZZZZY. He does leave us with this ominous thought: “You have no idea what you’re in for.”

Things are just chugging right along here in season 2 aren’t they? Sure the logic lapses are getting wider and wider, but that doesn’t make it any less fun? My only hope is that they keep Mahone as a worthy adversary for Michael, and not just some nut with a grudge. Until next week!