Mid-Season Recap Part II: Prison Break: A Series of Implausible But Awesome Events.

By Loula

So far: Ahhhh, breakout! FBI Agent Mahone, who’s pretty awesome, figures out Michael’s little tattoo trick in like ten seconds and obsesses about it like it’s the proverbial white whale. Tweener is the first to get laid, and Abruzzi is the first to get got. Unless you count Veronica, who buys it in the first episode. Everyone’s digging concrete just like old times, except now we’re in a garage in Utah looking for Westmoreland’s cash. Bellick is gross, Kellerman is awesome, Sara is alive, and if Fox River T-Bag make you want to take a boiling hot shower, wait till you meet Stumpy Fugitive T-Bag. Episode 2.07: “Buried.”

Things have gone real bad real quick in Tooele, Utah. Jeanette, the nice lady whose garage they’re tearing up, finds herself in a T-Bag headlock as a cop car pulls up outside. Jeanette’s daughter’s cop car, as it turns out. Ruh roh. Mother and daughter are tied up to chairs. But very, very politely. They notice Tweener’s been gone awhile, which he has, on account of Mahone’s got him in a Tooele interrogation room. Sara’s dad has told her that “Lance” is dangerous, and after she hangs up on him she starts to think maybe she should freak out too, just in case. Kellerman figures Sara’s on to him, and Agent Kim confirms that the governor knows too. Sara runs to her dad’s office but he’s not there, and Bennett tells her the White House withdrew his VP nomination all of a sudden. Tweener, God bless him, is holding up against Tooele’s Finest, keeping his mouth shut about the others. Mahone gives his big speech about Oscar Shales. It’s basically what you’d expect – homicidal maniac on the run, one step ahead of Mahone, never apprehended. Mahone felt responsible for all the crimes he did on the run, and Tweener might want to think about that, as it applies for example to a certain deceased veterinarian and anyone else T-Bag might feel like murdering. Kellerman’s tailing Sara and tells Kim everything with LJ is taken care of. LJ gets ominously dragged into an ominously windowless room at his Arizona jail, and an ominous shadowy figure tells him…he’s been released! Sorry for the mixup! Hope you enjoyed The Grand Canyon State! I’m sure this is a total coincidence with no hidden agenda whatsoever.

Linc runs off in Jeanette’s car to fetch him, and Michael reminds him of their upcoming rendez-vous at “Bolshoi Booze.” Jeannette’s cop daughter asks for her pills, which she has to take in order to prevent a miscarriage. So to review: their hostages are Jeannette and her PREGNANT COP daughter. Anyway, Sara finds her dad very very dead in his study, dangling from an improvised noose. She does not believe the cops who say there was no foul play, and snatches up a key that falls out of his pocket. Tweener cracks when Mahone offers him time in a cushy federal prison – he says they have hostages but he can get the guys to open the door. C-Note uncovers a few hundred-dollar bills just as they hear a car door slam just outside. Meanwhile, Tweener is fitted with a wire in the back of Mahone’s car. He knocks on the door, and it opens to reveal…Debra Jean. Awesome fakeout. The car door they heard from the garage was just some guy looking for Jeanette. Inside they’re furiously shoving old dirty hundreds in to duffel bags. Tweener is riding with Mahone after they drag him away from Debra Jean’s. It’s very amusing. This is Tweener’s finest hour – he’s on every television in the country, plus he got to meet a pretty girl! This really is probably the best day of his life.

Agent Kim wants to know why LJ was released; Kellerman says duh, cause Lincoln’s gonna come running. Kim says anyone who’s a liability needs to be eliminated, including Sara. Speaking of, Sara’s just getting home from a really crappy day and sees that Michael’s sent her another damn swan. Her coffee table has been rearranged in her absence, redecorated with such knickknacks as syringes and bottles of medical-grade opiates. Curious! Tweener finds himself in the middle of nowhere with Mahone, who is not fucking around. He confides that his Oscar Shales story earlier wasn’t entirely true. He didn’t get away from him after all: “right here’s where I put a bullet in him.” Tweener is beginning to realize that this is not the sort of confession this guy would be making to anyone who was going to be breathing for much longer, and sure enough, blam blam blam! Down goes Tweener. Way to go out, little man. Mahone puts the gun in Tweener’s hands and freaks out a little. Two down. Everybody’s in the garage, slinging duffle bags over their shoulders as Sucre enters, pointing Officer Ann’s gun at them. No one’s going anywhere!

Episode 2.08: “Dead Fall.”

Sucre makes off with the cash, so now they’re holding a pregnant cop and her mom hostage for no reason at all. Michael gives Jeanette a butter knife – she’ll be able to cut herself free, verrrry slowly. T-Bag is nowhere to be found, so that bodes well. Sara’s still staring at the creepy tableau of syringes on her coffee table when someone approaches her from behind. He’s all “I didn’t mean to scare you,” but there is pretty good evidence to the contrary. She manages to escape his clutches with the old “bug spray to the face” trick. Michael’s running through the woods towards Sucre’s motorcycle. Sucre pulls the gun on Michael and grins. He wonders if his menacing “Adios, amigos” was too much, which is funny, because I thought it was, back when I totally didn’t see this coming. You crazy scamps! You fooled everybody! Well, me, anyway, and those other guys. Anyway, Sucre opens up the bag of cash to reveal several years of “National Anthropology” magazine (T-Bag was perusing those earlier in the garage). Which I also totally didn’t see coming, but maybe I was just having a slow night. Anyway, we see T-Bag driving a pickup truck with a sack of cash riding shotgun and Susan Hollander’s address clipped to his visor. Nothing like a really clever pervert murderer millionaire on the loose! Linc watches as LJ is unceremoniously dumped out of a van onto a street somewhere in Arizona. Oh, and LJ’s driver/guard is taking orders from Kellerman.

Bellick and Geary learn from the news that they can find the boys, or the money, or if they’re real lucky, both, in Tooele. Sara is freaking right the hell out, and with good reason. She’s running down the street and stops at a payphone to call the only person she can think of, Bennett at her dad’s office. She tells him that her dad had been looking at Linc’s file and he must have found out something he wasn’t supposed to know, and now they’re after her. He says to stay where she is and he’ll send someone to meet her. She waits there awhile and a pretty young brunette goes to use the payphone. Just then a scary SUV pulls up way too slow and pow! The incredibly unlucky Sara-alike is just gunned down right there. Dude. Sara tries to help but it’s no good, the girl dies. Sara’s whole universe is kind of imploding but she’s still smart enough to snag the girl’s ID before the paramedics show up. As she suddenly finds herself with a lot of free time, she lays low and opens up her origami swans and starts decoding. Michael and Sucre have cops and dogs at their heels and all they’ve got to show for their trouble is a stack of periodicals. Sucre gets his leg stuck while they’re crossing a river and Michael is noble and courageous and risks capture to keep him from drowning. It’s all very tense, I swear.

Mahone gets called in by Internal Affairs. He wants to know why the hell they’re keeping him from his manhunt, but the IA guy, Sullins, has some questions first. Sullins scolds Mahone about the Abruzzi fiasco, and oh, also, why did this unarmed Tweener kid get shot point blank? Meanwhile, Linc pays some guy to punch LJ so he can snatch him from the hospital. Cool. Sara’s staring glassy-eyed at origami birds when Bennett calls her cell. She’s all “So hey, you know how five minutes after I told you where I was standing some nice lady who looks like me got gunned down in the same place? Yeah, what’s up with that?” Answer: Bennett is a little bitch. She rips the battery out of the phone, but the keypad catches her attention, and she glances over at the code birds. Eureka! It’s the letters. One of Kellerman’s guys has come to the same conclusion. They both crack the first word: “RENDEZVOUS.” After their narrow escape, Michael buys a car while Sucre learns that Maricruz didn’t marry Hector after all! He’s the only one who cares, because we’re all tired of hearing about goddamn Maricruz, but he must go to her. Adios, amigo! Bellick and Geary go after T-Bag once they learn from Jeanette that he’s probably got the money. Kellerman only has one of the birds, but Sara has two: the second one is SUNDOWNHOT. Sullins is starting to shake Mahone up a bit about Tweener, but gets a call telling him to back off. Mahone sneaks off down the street and gets in to a fancy car. KELLERMAN’s fancy car! You magnificent bastards! Mahone looks pretty scared of Kellerman and stammers out a question about his directives. Kellerman tells him to just do his damn job and they’ll see to it that people stop asking questions about him. Kellerman: “Are we clear?” Mahone: “They all die.”

Episode 2.09: “Unearthed.”

Michael sneaks in to Blanding Botanical Gardens. He snags a volunteer hat and a smock all “doot dee doo, gonna fertilize me some begonias!” When he finds the plant he’s looking for he sees he’s not the only fake horticulturist on duty – there are guys hovering around, obviously waiting for him. He manages to outrun them and enter a nearby diner, where he watches Mahone give a TV press conference defending the unfortunate death of one David “Tweener” Apolskis. Michael’s jaw drops. It drops some more when the next question is about Michael’s hard drive, which they’ve recovered and which led them to the Botanical Gardens. Surely Michael knows how to effectively destroy a hard drive! Now they have your tattoos and most of what was on your computer, Mr. Smartypants. Mahone fails to add that what they found under the plant in question was 3200 amps of nitroglycerine. That’s enough to dilate a whole lot of blood vessels, or splode something really big. Michael wants to know what the hell the deal is with this Mahone guy, so like a good American he Google-stalks him. The search results reveal a Pam Mahone in Durango, Colorado. Agent Lang has Mrs. C-Note by the proverbial testicles – they know the Rainbow Room was a code, and they can arrest her for aiding and abetting, at which point her daughter would be dragged off to Children’s Services. So it’s a simple choice really: your husband or your child! Hope that doesn’t put you in a weird position or anything.

Bellick & Geary call in a favor at Fox River to get information about where T-Bag might be hiding out. Because they’re noble and courageous officers of the law, and are concerned for the safety of American citizens. Meanwhile, a diner waitress gets too close a look at LJ and Linc so they have to ditch Jeanette’s fancy car. Michael knocks on Pam Mahone’s door. He’s Agent Merrick, he says, with some routine questions about Alex Mahone. He looks positively dreamy, incidentally, which may be beside the point but I have a feeling he wouldn’t be able to pull off half this crap if he looked like Bellick. Anyway, she lets him in. Sara’s in a motel room somewhere and finally figures out what “SUNDOWNHOT” means. She calls information and asks for every Sundown Hotel in the country. Later Kellerman gets a call that “Kelli Foster” – the dead Sara-alike – has just flown to New Mexico. T-Bag sticks his duffel bag o’ cash in a locker at a bus station and slips the key in to his sock. He also buys flowers, and when the cashier asks what brings him to Kansas he grins and says “Romance!” Shudder. At some sort of amusement park Lang seems to be debriefing Mrs. C-Note – all she has to do is lure him to the arcade and they’ll leave her and her daughter alone. She stands around as instructed and one of C-Note’s peeps casually strolls up to her. A black SUV is going to pull up, he mumbles, and she needs to run to it. She starts running and Lang calls for all her units to move out, but another member of C-Note’s crew blocks them off in a delivery van and the SUV is able to get away. When it becomes clear that Lang’s agents are right on top of them, C-Note runs in to Dede’s classroom and just scoops her right up. Wow, they’re going to feel kind of stupid about that, huh? Mrs. Mahone is telling Michael that Alex just all of a sudden started spending a lot of time in the backyard with bags of lye, tearing up sod and planting a flowerbed on top. She started to get a little scared. Yeah, good call there, Pam. She leaves the room for a moment and Michael snoops through her cell and gets Mahone’s number. When she returns he brings up Oscar Shales but she doesn’t think that has anything to do with his sudden onset of the crazies, as he didn’t go bonkers till the trail had gone cold. Yeah, I’ll just bet it went about as cold as Abruzzi’s and Tweener’s. Eventually she gets a little suspicious and he shows himself out. T-Bag saunters up to Susan Hollander’s house but there’s a “For Sale” sign out front. I can’t believe she moved without telling her crazy pervert murderer ex! How rude. He’s all dejected, but his pouty heartbreak is interrupted by a “For Sale” sign to the forehead, courtesy of Bellick.

Mahone’s figured out that the last swan, the one after SUNDOWNHOT, is ELGILANM63. Gila, New Mexico, June 3rd, which is tomorrow. Just then his phone rings. It’s Michael! He’s got a pretty good guess that Oscar Shales’ mortal remains are serving as fertilizer for Alex’s new flowerbed, and were he in Alex’s shoes he’d be thinking about how DNA leeches in to the soil so even moving the body might not be enough. Mahone’s spooked, and it’s pretty awesome. Michael will keep his little secret if Mahone leaves them alone. Next time we see Mahone he’s at his favorite birdbath, shoveling dirt like a crazy person. Yup, there’s a person down there alright. C-Note and Dede reunite with Mrs. C-Note and she’s all “Yay! Okay, now what?” Linc and LJ get IDed trying to buy train tickets and they’re taken in to custody.

Episode 2.10: “Rendezvous.”

Bellick and Geary are in the middle of torturing T-Bag. Now the idea of T-Bag undergoing excruciating pain seems appropriate and actually kind of funny, but when you figure Bellick in it’s actually pretty disturbing. Linc and LJ’s police car gets smashed into by a big scary van. The scary van people chase them down and tell Linc “We’re with your father.” Oh, right, I forgot about all that. Cool. They take them to a safe house in the woods. Sara’s at the Sundown Hotel as instructed and gets a fax that just says “ONE HOUR 16871 BUTTERFIELD ROAD.” She drives up to an empty lot and Michael drives up behind her. He tells her they’re meeting Linc in Panama, and she’s all, really? That’s your big plan, is I run away with the two most wanted men in America to freaking Panama? Which, sure, she has a point, but maybe Panama’s not such a bad idea when people keep trying to kill you. Anyway, Michael’s apologizing for involving her in this huge clusterfuck when a they see a car speeding towards them. It’s Mahone, and after some cool car chase stuff Michael crashes in to an old factory. During a struggle with Geary and Bellick, T-Bag manages to swallow the key to the locker where he’s hidden the money, and hey, so far, swallowing things has turned out well for him. I am very, very sorry to have to tell you this, but Bellick throws a colander in the toilet and sits T-Bag down, force-feeding him chewing tobacco and prune juice. They’re gonna wait for that key. I challenge you to come up with a more unsavory mental image than that. Mahone chases Michael and Sara around the factory. Kellerman still hasn’t killed Linc or LJ, and now they’re in custody, so Kim tells him to concentrate on Sara again for now. Sara makes it out to Mahone’s car and hotwires it, and for some reason I totally buy that Sara knows how to hotwire a car. Cool.

The exact opposite of cool is Bellick and Geary, sitting in what must be a truly fragrant bathroom, talking about what they’re going to do with the money they get after they dig the key out of this pervert murderer’s explosive diarrhea. Later, Geary stands at the kitchen sink with the colander and retrieves the key. Shudder. They tie T-Bag to the radiator by his half-ass reattached hand, call 911, and leave. Michael lures Mahone in to a supply cage and shuts the door. Mahone’s all, whatever, guns shoot through fences, but Michael’s opened a propane tank and if he fires the gun the whole place will go boom. Michael’s so cool. He’s like if MacGyver and James Bond had a really hot love child. Michael knows Mahone’s not trying to capture him, he’s trying to kill him. And Mahone knows he’s going to get Michael, “whether it’s today in Gila, or tomorrow in Albuquerque, or two months from now in Panama.” Michael doesn’t say anything but his steely eyes say “Holy buttfuck!” Bastard cracked his super secret code. Michael and Sara take off in her car. Bellick and Geary get the money, but Geary smacks Bellick on the head with a meat tenderizer and steals the cash, which is pretty funny, and also, everyone’s really lucky Susan Hollander was in too much of a hurry to pack her cooking utensils, because they played a big part in this whole episode. Sara cleans Michael’s wounds from the crash. She ventures that maybe there’s a part of Michael who likes being on the run. It’s chasing a high, and she knows all about that. When he comes out of the bathroom, she’s gone. The note on the dresser says “This time I know better. Sorry.” Meanwhile, Daddy Burroughs says they’re close to clearing Linc’s name; pretty soon he won’t have to run anymore. Outside, one of the original scary van guys is on the phone. With Agent Goddamn Kim! He’s got all three Burroughseseses there and Kim tells him to take them out. T-Bag is yanking on his flexicuffs, trying to pry himself off the radiator as the police get closer. This cannot end well. Sara’s sitting in her car, trying to decide if she’s doing the right thing leaving Michael. She steps out of the car, looking like she’s made up her mind to go back, but guess who’s standing right behind her? I’ll give you a hint: his name is not Lance, and he is not an addict.

Episode 2.11 “Bolshoi Booze.”

Sirens approach as T-Bag struggles to free himself. As we all feared but dared not even contemplate, he escapes by undoing Dr. Gudat’s hard work, leaving his hand shoved behind the radiator. The realtor probably won’t be pointing that feature out at the Open House. Michael’s in a store buying some tiny vials, which look a lot like the nitro he failed to retrieve from the gardens. He doesn’t have enough cash for his GPS so he steals it, shoving the poor old man behind the counter in the process. He feels terrible, but hey, when the government keeps framing and killing everyone around you, you’re going to have to frighten the occasional kindly shopkeeper. Daddy Burroughs tells LJ that his peeps have proof that Steadman isn’t dead, and he thinks Sara has the incriminating tape. Leon, the mole who got the kill order from Kellerman, shoots two guards dead. He moves in to the house to kill him some Burroughseseses but he ends up stabbed by Linc and shot dead by Jane. Meanwhile, Kellerman duct tapes Sara to a chair in the motel room. “Hi,” he says, “My name is not Lance, and I am not an addict.” Which, I know, it’s kind of the obvious joke, but it’s so awesome it doesn’t matter. He thinks she has something belonging to her dad but she denies it. We hear him go in to the bathroom and start filling the tub. Presumably because Sara’s had a really stressful week and he wants to draw her a nice hot bubble bath! Leon’s corpse is unavailable at the moment so it’s Linc that answers Agent Kim’s call. Kim is exasperated – what’s the world coming to when a guy can’t find competent hired guns to carry out his nefarious government-sponsored orders? On top of that, Mahone’s still caged up and it’s Kim who has to rescue him. Linc and Michael are en route to Bolshoi Booze, he tells Mahone, so maybe if he figures out what that means he can do his job and see his kid again. Mahone has a light bulb moment – “Bolshoi Booze” is upside down GPS coordinates. Michael, his vials of faux nitro and the GPS he shoved that nice man for arrive at a shack in the middle of nowhere. Specifically: 32’0’09 104’57’09. Some unsavory-looking guy, Coyote, and two of his friends are waiting. Michael has their nitro, now where’s Michael’s plane? Coyote notices right away that Michael’s vials are plastic, but nitro comes in glass vials. Michael very admirably pulls some excuses from his ass, but the stuff fails Coyote’s quality test. Gulp. Coyote pulls out a gun and keeps asking about Linc’s ETA – he was planning on turning them in all along.

Kellerman’s got Sara tied up in front of the bathtub but she’s still not talking. Sara’s got more balls than most of these guys put together. So, torture it is, then! He shoves her face into the bathtub and holds her under way too long, then, creepily, towels her off sort of affectionately afterwards. The whole dynamic between these two is full of this kind of thing, and it would be kind of hot if it weren’t, you know, terrifying. Bellick is in the hospital, trying to explain away that meat-tenderizer-shaped dent in his head. The cop interviewing him knows he’s full of shit and is not amused. He actually calls her “honey.” When she leaves, he calls Geary, who can’t come to the phone on account of he’s asking his three prostitutes about a Cleveland Steamer, and if you don’t know what that is, be grateful; if you do, good luck scrubbing that image out of your brain. Bellick leaves a voicemail: Geary better keep an eye out, cause if he ever finds him, he’ll gut him “bow to stern.” Kellerman is so disturbingly professional. He’s lecturing Sara but she gets a little snarky with him – I guess when you’ve already cheated death a couple of times this week you figure your luck’s about to run out and you have nothing to lose putting this guy in his place. He plugs in the iron, puts on rubber gloves, and now she gets to drown and be electrocuted at the same time. He’s so resourceful! Also resourceful? T-Bag, who’s down to one hand again but also had the foresight to stick a tracking device in the money bag. He shows up at Geary’s hotel room, dismisses the hookers, and next thing we know, T-Bag and his money are enjoying some quality time, just the two of them. He finds a presumably incriminating receipt in the bag and it makes him go “Muahahaha!” Outside Coyote’s shack, one of his minions suddenly gets a fist to the face. Worst lookout ever. But the guy that fist is attached to? Sucre. I forgive him for having such a boring B-plot. He grabs the lookout’s gun and during the struggle Coyote ends up shot. They gather up the guns and tie everybody to chairs, demanding to know where the plane is. Coyote’s bleeding and his amigos are afraid he won’t make it. Coyote finally gives them a location but Michael’s all conflicted about leaving them there. Sucre is not. Dr. Sara’s really holding her own with this whole torture situation. Kellerman’s still doing that creepy “This hurts me more than it hurts you” thing, and seriously, A++ to Paul Adelstein, who knocks it out even further of the park in this episode than usual. Kim calls to check on his progress. Kim thinks she’s a waste of time and he should go ahead and kill her. Kellerman does not react with the same casual glee we know and love. Much to Sucre’s chagrin, Michael decides to untie Coyote et al. Much to my surprise, they don’t kick Michael’s ass; in fact, Coyote is grateful, and says he was lying earlier about the plane. He gives them the real location. So remember, kids: if you screw a thug over for some explosives and then shoot him, giving him the benefit of the doubt might be in your best interest. Go figure.

Aldo and Linc show up as Sucre and Michael are leaving. Linc introduces Michael to his daddy, but he just glares at Aldo with the steeliest of eyes and says they’ve met. Bellick’s leaving the ER just as Geary’s mortal remains are entering, all slashed up and bloody. Bellick and I both realize how easily this could be misinterpreted, for example, by Detective Slattery, that same policewoman Bellick called “honey” earlier, who has some more questions for him in light of this new development. Kellerman is genuinely conflicted about carrying out Kim’s orders, and I don’t think it’s just because he doesn’t like being micro-managed. Pretty inconvenient time to grow a soul, there, cowboy. He finally runs in to the bathroom: “Don’t make me do this.” She figures she dies either way, so he can go to hell. He shoves her face in the water.

Episode 2.12: “Disconnect.”

Michael recognizes Daddy Burroughs as the mysterious stranger who killed his foster father (who abused him and kept him in a closet, but not in a charming Harry Potter kind of way). Kellerman is unpacking his dismemberment and disposal kit when the motel manager knocks on the door asking him to turn down the TV. Sara thrashes around, working the duct tape loose and managing to grab the drain plug with her teeth. When Kellerman gets rid of the manager and checks on Sara, the tub is empty. She gives him a hot iron to the chest, grabs her purse and jumps out of the window. She lands on a windshield but manages to run off. Mahone is just getting to “Bolshoi Booze” and follows Coyote’s blood trail. Michael is kind of freaking out, using his Outside Voice and demanding to know why Aldo took his sweet time tracking Michael down while he was getting beaten up by the Dursleys, but Daddy says he had to leave the boys behind for their own safety. He was about to turn on The Company and they’d go for the boys first. He also tells Michael they think Sara has the tape of the toothless but alive Steadman, which would exonerate Linc. Michael is worried about her, but Sucre is ready to get to the damn plane already. Michael’s “conflicted” look is getting a lot of mileage this season, and he’s wearing it when Mahone shows up and starts shooting at them. Aldo gets to save Michael’s ass again but gets a bullet to the gut in the process. Kellerman tells Kim that Sara is totally, absolutely dead, he swears. Kim would like photographic evidence, but Kellerman’s all “What? I can’t hear you! Bye!” Kellerman’s ass-covering skills are not as sharp as they were back when he was killing people he hadn’t bonded with over pie. Slattery is grateful to Bellick for being so helpful, pointing them in the direction of T-Bag for Geary’s murder. Oh, but just one thing: about that receipt found on Geary’s body? The one with Bellick’s credit card number on it? Oh, and also, Geary’s dead hand was pointing to Bellick’s name? What about that? Ha. T-Bag’s already got enough murders under his belt, he can spare one to get Bellick some poetic injustice.

Mr. and Mrs. C-Note are having some quality time outside their RV when they realize they’ve left DeDe’s medicine behind. I know you’re fugitives and everything, and maybe you didn’t have much time to pack, but honestly, people. Of course the pharmacy lady recognizes Mrs. C-Note, since she’s on the front page of the paper, and really, you guys couldn’t at least have used the drive-thru? Poor Kacee gets arrested while C-Note and DeDe watch from the parking lot. She manages to drop the medicine in a trash can so they can fetch it later. C-Note is one lucky escaped felon to have a hot wife who’ll get arrested for his dumb ass. Aldo bleeds and bleeds in the backseat as he and the boys flee with Sucre. He’s all remorseful and noble and stuff so we all know he’s as good as dead. He tells Michael to find Sara; she’s their only hope to expose the whole conspiracy. Mahone finds Coyote in the hospital – he has some information in exchange for a deal. Coyote’s picky about the terms, though, and Mahone has to start unplugging medical devices to get him to talk. Unorthodox, but effective. Michael and Linc have apparently buried Aldo and then spent several days quarrying stone and constructing an elaborate memorial. Very impressive, boys, and very touching, but aren’t you kind of in a hurry? They certainly should be, as Mahone is right on their asses and also knows where the plane is. He’s called the Border Patrol to make sure they don’t make it very far. When they get to the landing strip, though, Michael and Linc tell Sucre to go ahead without them – they’ve got some Daddy-avenging and patsy-exonerating and conspiracy-exposing to do and speed off. Bellick finally admits that he and Geary were up to no good and tells the whole story. Naturally, the whole story is ridiculous and implausible and Slattery just rolls her eyes at it. Ha. Bellick says they have no proof he did anything to Geary. Well, there is that voicemail recording of Bellick vowing to gut him bow to stern. D’oh! I didn’t see that coming, and neither did Bellick. He has a temper tantrum and they arrest him. Kellerman is freaking out. He’s been a perfect soldier all this time and now he’s getting the silent treatment from the President’s office and Agent Kim. He’s also getting the Photoshop treatment: Kim orders his team to remove all traces of Kellerman’s existence. Mahone’s car comes out of nowhere, smashing in to Linc and Michael just as Michael’s trying to get a signal to call Sara. They crawl out of the car and we can hear Sara on Michael’s phone, which is lying on the road. We leave them cowering on the ground as Mahone and his gun close in.

Episode 2.13: “The Killing Box.”

Mahone has the boys at gunpoint but the Border Patrol shows up before he can do them like he did Tweener. He’s kind of losing it – about here is where I’d start using the word “unhinged.” The brothers are taken in to custody. Alive. This annoys Mahone. It also annoys Kim, who watches the capture on the news. Seriously, his hired killers are like 0 for 4 just in the last 24 hours. Sucre and the pilot have a DEA plane on their asses and have to jump out a couple of miles above the Mexico border. T-Bag, the Down On His Luck Veteran version, asks some vets at a pool hall where he can get a cool prosthetic hand. One of them responds by speculating as to T-Bag’s sexual orientation, and not politely. T-Bag smirks. Suddenly, he has a really great idea how to get ahold of a nice hand! All the media attention is making it really hard for Mahone to find a convenient time to kill Michael and Linc. He demands to be alone with them while they’re being transported back to Fox River. Michael and Linc are in a holding cell. Michael figures all he has to do is use his phone call to get in touch with Sara – if she has what they think she has she can just go public with it – but they’re not officially in custody until they’re back at Fox River, so no phone call for them. Meanwhile, Agent Kim is not pleased, what with the boys being rather more alive than he’d hoped. He tells Mahone they are not to make it back to Fox River, no matter what. He is not asking. He reminds Mahone that he has access to his family, just to emphasize that he means bidness. Also, we find out that there is a shadowy old man of whom Kim is very afraid. T-Bag and his newly acquired hand, for which he probably bypassed the VA system, find an exact perfect mark: a socially awkward, poorly dressed, easily flattered divorcée who he manages to get in the sack pretty quick.

Bellick’s case is not looking so good. He agrees to a plea bargain as long as he can serve his time at Fox River. He says it’s to be near his Momma, but he probably figures he’ll get some special treatment from his former colleagues, or at least be able to punch all those inmates he wasn’t allowed to punch from the other side of the bars. Sara leaves a message on Michael’s voicemail saying she didn’t actually leave him in Gila, she just kind of got sidetracked and now she really needs to talk to him. She does not elaborate. Mahone is really freaking out – the boys are about to be transported but no one is allowed in the vehicle with them, and he can’t exactly explain to the nice officers that he really needs to kill these guys toute suite. Kim is watching the transport coverage with the mysterious old man when his phone rings. He answers by asking what the hell they’re still doing alive, but it’s not Mahone, it’s Kellerman, all cheery: “Bad day, Bill?” Ha. Kim’s all, oh, my mistake, I was expecting a call from someone who still existed. Kellerman offers to take care of the boys, but only if Kim will restore his position in the administration. Kim reluctantly agrees. He calls Mahone to fill him in, and also tell him that in all the chaos, bullets will be flying, and Mahone better make sure Kellerman is on the business end of a fatal one. The silent, surly old man seems to have given the order. Linc apologizes to Michael for always getting him in trouble, but Michael notices that their shackles are very fortuitously unlocked. Also, when an accident stops the caravan in the middle of a tunnel, everyone just leaves them alone in the van, and one of the guys has left his keys right there on the seat. We’re all used to suspending our disbelief for this show, but at this point even Michael knows this is just a little too convenient. Meanwhile, T-Bag asks a favor of his new lady friend Denise, and we see why he targeted her specifically: she’s a postal worker, and he needs a confidential forwarding address. You know, for his cousin, so she can receive her big inheritance check. How kind. Denise has cartoon hearts flying out of her eyes until they fall on T-Bag’s “Wanted” poster. T-Bag wishes she hadn’t seen that. She only has a few minutes of brain activity left to feel real stupid. Later, Susan Hollander opens her front door to see T-Bag standing there all “Teddy’s home!” The United States Postal Service done you wrong, Susan. Bellick, who only got arrested like two days ago, and for whom the wheels of justice are moving at a truly narratively convenient pace, arrives at Fox River. The new warden is making a big show of cracking down on corruption and Bellick gets to be an example. He won’t be given any special treatment, so hey, have fun in gen-pop, former correctional officer! Tweener must be orchestrating some of this from the Great Cellblock in the Sky, as Bellick’s new cellie is Tweener’s old pal Avocado. Ha.

Meanwhile, Sucre has landed safely somewhere in the desert, and Sara has given herself a cute new hairdo and thrown away everything that says she’s Sara Tancredi. Michael and Linc know they’re being set up, but they can either take their chances running from Mahone now or go back to Fox River where Linc’s dead within the week. They decide to run. Mahone’s behind them, gun in hand, and Kellerman’s waiting at the end of the tunnel with a bigger gun. Wait, maybe the two Magnificent Bastards will decide to go rogue and work together! The truth is even more awesome than we could have hoped for: The boys are finally cornered, Kellerman on one side and Mahone on the other. A shot rings out but Michael and Linc find they are still standing. Mahone, however, is down, and Kellerman is the last Magnifient Bastard standing. There can be only one! “President Reynolds ruined your life. She ruined my life. You wanna take that bitch down? You just found your inside man. But it’s gotta be right now.” Dude! Best. Twist. Ever.

Will Michael hate himself when he learns about Kellerman’s history with Sara? Will Sara hate Michael when she finds out he’s running with NotLance the torture-proficient NotGay NotAddict? Was this whole thing just another elaborate conspiracy and Mahone’s out having a Mojito somewhere? Will T-Bag and Susan Hollander live happily ever after? Will Michael ever take off his shirt again? Will Linc ever button his? Until next week!