FOX is doing viewers a disservice by airing Prison Break and “24″ back to back. They are creating a Zombie Nation; that is, watching these two shows makes viewers so frantic and frazzled, no one is able to get to sleep until 2 or 3 AM every Monday night. If and when these guys ever get out of prison, they’re going to be so bored with the real world that they’ll yearn for the excitement, socialization, and danger of prison life again. They certainly seem to have it better than I do these days – exciting poker games, art classes, loads of recess time, sex on demand (albeit freaky tranny sex, but still…)
Okay, so maybe our hero Michael doesn’t have it so good at the moment – stuck in the psycho ward trying to have a meaningful conversation with ol’ Haywire. The problem was that Haywire was so hopped up on goofballs that he couldn’t think straight, let alone remember his former cell mate – yes, the 4 month hiatus FOX forced on us seemed to have affected Haywire too. Like, who the hell remembers that Michael stole his toothpaste to use the tube to store his corrosive agent that he squirted into the infirmary’s drainage pipe?
Uh-oh, Haywire just remembered that! And he was about to kiss Michael, full on the lips (see pic)! And without toothpaste for such a long while, how would Michael react to the bad breath? Answer, after the jump.Ah, Haywire wasn’t trying to kiss dear Michael; he was only getting up in his grill because that’s what all the prisoners at Fox River seem to do to each other. Their little tête-à-tête was broken up by Nurse Ratched and her pills. Michael, not actually being insane, refused his meds. This brought the wrath of the giant nurse/guard enforcer guy who forced Michael to take his meds. But giant nurse/guard enforcer guy missed his final exam at Nurse/Guard Enforcer University since he failed to check under Michael’s tongue, a rookie mistake if I’ve ever seen one! As a result, Michael spit out his jagged little pill and continued badgering Haywire.
Across the yard in Gen Pop, Bellick and his pasty sidekick Geary were rubbing their hands in greedy glee at the prospect of auctioning off Michael’s old cell. With Sucre in the SHU and Michael gone batty, their cell would be a hot commodity what with its view of the whole block and relative cleanliness. Location, location, location. Geary immediately had a taker for 200 bucks – but he reneged when he noticed the – GASP – leaky toilet.
Westmoreland and C-Note got wind of the “auction” and sprung into action – they needed to “win” the cell and keep the toilet truth under wraps. C-Note promised to get 500 bucks, no problem, and set about collecting from some of his boys in the yard. While C-Note was forcing people to cough up money, Michael was alone with Haywire forcing him to cough up his meds. Michael tricked Haywire into opening his mouth and then – HIYAA! – he jammed his fingers down the psychotic man’s throat, forcing him to vomit. Which we got a nice view of on the floor.
Without the pills, Haywire started coming around to reality a bit more and began to remember Michael’s tattoo. “It’s a path,” he muttered, bringing the first smile to Michael’s face in quite a while. His brother Lincoln, however, was certainly not smiling when his dumbass son called to say that he was in juvie after having stolen a gun and shooting a buffalo jerky salesman in the neck. So now poor Lincoln was dealing with a brother that went crazy and a son who was being held for 2 murders he didn’t commit and 1 attempted murder he did. What could be worse? Oh, yeah… That whole gonna-be-executed-for-a-murder-he-didn’t-commit-thing. Damn, Linc, your life, fleeting as it is, really sucks.
Secret Service agent Paul Kellerman’s life wasn’t faring much better at the time. Still on the mend from his gunshot wound, he was surrounded and set upon in the middle of a Chicago street. It was apparently one of those special downtown Chi-Town streets with no traffic whatsoever on it. In all my visits to the windy city, I’ve yet to find that street. Kellerman was accosted by Brinker and her cronies who essentially admitted the whole conspiracy was far greater than he and that he was now to roll over and simply be Owen Kravecki, jerky jerk. Hmmm, Brinker, I know a well at a remote cabin that’s got your name written all over it…
C-Note sauntered up to his boys to collect the 500 bucks he requested and was offered a cup of tea. “One lump or two?” C-Note smiled and responded, “Oooh, three or four…” Whap, whomp, bam, smack – his “boys” beat they ever livin’ crap out of C-Note because of his perceived friendship with white supremacist (etc) T-Bag. A fair beatdown contextually speaking, I do believe. Needless to say, Mr. Note did not get a dime and the escape cell was still up for grabs.
Later, when T-Bag saw the result of the beating and C-Note’s empty pockets he lamented, “Looks like the Bank of Africa wasn’t allowing any withdrawals today.” For all his numerous faults (mass murder, rape, pedophilia, lying, stabbing, ugly, racist), T-Bag is quite witty. And now he’d have to use all his wit, because the onus was falling on him and his poker skills to come up with the cash for the cell. He would get a seat in the “Kitchen game” and cheat the house out of the money because, according to him, “Only 5 people in the United States can sleeve cards as well as I do.”
Over in the wack shack, Michael was still banking on Haywire’s recall abilities. He was now vomiting up his pills on his own (Wait, was Haywire the inspiration for “A Million Little Pieces” or what? And what does Oprah’s minge have to say about that?) and beginning to remember the tattoo details. “It’s a pathway to HELL!” Michael assured him it was just the opposite and Haywire admitted that he did remember the missing tattoo part.
He was still totally nuts, mind you, but as long as he could draw the missing piece Michael didn’t care. “You can’t break a path – then it goes nowhere, there’s the pilgrim, pointing the way…” It was perfect, “Crazy guy” dialogue. He continued, “There are known knowns. These are things we know that we know. There are known unknowns. That is to say, there are things that we know we don’t know. But there are also unknown unknowns. There are things we don’t know we don’t know.” Hoo boy, Michael had a real loony bird on his hands.
While Haywire was sketching out the “pathway,” Sucre’s cousin passed by and noticed Michael’s burnt shoulder blade. Even though he looks like Horatio Sanz, he’s not as dumb and put two and two together – Michael was wearing the prison guard shirt when it got burned!
When Haywire finished the sketch, he attacked Michael, strangling him. His other memories of his short time with Michael and his tattoo flooded back – like the one where Michael set him up and had him punished to get rid of him. He made Michael tell him what was up with the escape and promise to never screw him over again and that was that. So now Michael had a fat Horatio Sanz and a crazy Haywire joining the escape team. Before we know it, the whole freaking prison is going to go be in on the plan.
Then it happened. The show took a turn that I’m afraid I may end up hating. But I really, really hope not. Lawyer Nick was in a cell phone store trying to find the proper battery charger for Quinn’s phone. Then, in the store, some random authoritative looking guy appeared threatened Nick and reminded him of why he was to, “Keep an eye on Veronica.” Sigh. This show has no need for moles or double agents or any of that cheap hooey. I hope I misread the scene. Later, when the phone was charged, Nick seemed very out-of-it and didn’t even seem to care. Hmmmmm, plus the 322 numbers in Quinn’s phone were all dead ends now anyway.
Also “Playing the numbers” were T-Bag and C-Note. They had secured places at the Kitchen Poker game (Coming to the Travel Channel soon) with the multi-racial kitchen crew. T was dealing C palmed cards so he could win large pots, in order to get the $500 needed to win Michael’s cell. The game was also a chance for T-Bag to bust out some good old racist humor. When C-Note dawdled, T-Bag quickly quipped, “Hurry up, we ain’t on CPT here.” Didn’t catch that one? Then you don’t know about “Colored People Time,” and you are probably a better person than I.
Despite his hesitation, C-Note came through with a full house prompting T-Bag to goad, “A full house! Oh, there’s a concept you Mexicans are familiar with, eh Jesus?” Ok, that was a pretty good one. He followed that one up by calling the Asian guy, “Ping Pong,” but didn’t go so far as to suggest that his mom shot them out of her choocha like they do in Bangkok.
I said “Bang Kok”
T-Bag then screwed up and misdealt a card face up. So much for being one of the top 6 cheat-dealers in the country, tough guy. After a short confrontation, house rules stated that the card had to be placed back on the bottom of the deck which caused C-Note to show the worst poker face I’ve ever seen. The gig, it appeared for the 148th time, was up.
We were then bounced around locales, first to Kellerman whining to the Vice President that the whole Lincoln Burroughs scam was a set up and that The Company was using them. THAT upsets him but killing 5.5 people in cold blood by my count (the bishop, Leticia, LJ’s mom, LJ’s step father, agent Pussy, and complicit in Quinn’s death) didn’t cause him to bat an eyelash?
Lincoln was magically granted a 1 hour visit with his son, outside the prison walls – an unprecedented occurrence according to Warden Pope. It was almost like “someone” high up wanted him outside the prison… And over in the wack shack, Haywire decided he would just go and escape. In a somewhat humorous scene (if you find mental illness humorous), he meandered down the hallway and tried to open the first door he came to. Too bad he forgot that he was in a prison – alarms rang out and he was quickly taken away while yelling, “He set me up! He has a pathway out! He’s trying to escape!” Note to self: Never trust a nutjob. Especially when you meet her at a bar at college and she says she’s on the pill. And that those are “razor bumps” down there.
Back to the Kitchen Game. Jesus went all in and C-Note was sweating bullets. He knew he had a likely loser hand but simplyh couldn’t lose the money he’d won. So he raised him! (I don’t know shit about poker, nor do I ever want to, so I have no idea how realistic this scene was.) Jesus couldn’t match the raise and C-Note bluffed his way to the win. He took his winnings and got the hell out of there with T-Bag.
C-Note immediate went up to Geary and handed over the 500 bucks – the cell was his! Except it wasn’t because Geary is a douchebag. He took the money and considered it a down payment, mentioning that the price was now $700. So C-Note convinced Westmoreland to give up his keepsake watch to cover the extra 200 bucks. Geary took it and walked away laughing at C-Note because someone else had already “won” the cell. Wow, this Geary guy was proving to be a bigger dick than Bellick. It was almost like the show was forcing us to hate him for some reason…
Romantic Interlude: Dr. Tancredi visited Michael and he gave her an ashtray. Awww, though he had a point; most recovering junkies do substitute one addiction for another, so maybe she was a smoker. She sure is smoking, I’ll give her that. She told him he was fine to go back to genpop, but that he had to give up the guard who burnt him. Quick scene change to…
The cafeteria, where Horatio Sanz approached Westmoreland, C-Note, and T-Bag. He sat with them and mentioned the plan to escape which brought on a minor beat-down. After convincing the three that he’d spoken with Lincoln and Sucre over in the SHU, a plan was hatched. Cue the “Mission Impossible” Music!
*Dooot dooot doot doot doooooot dooot* Sanz was in the laundry room with a guard shirt, looking suspicious. *Doot doot doot doo* He then wheeled the laundry cart down the hall, passed Westmoreland who was on guard room janitorial duty. *Doot doot doot doo* Westmoreland surreptitiously got the guard shirt from Sanz and entered the guard room. *Doot doot doot doo* He placed the shirt in a locker when no one was looking. *Dootle loooo! Dootle loooo!* Michael was in with Pope and fingered Geary as the abuser! *Dootle loooo! Dootle loooo!* Pope immediately made his way to the guard room and rifled through Geary’s shit. *Dootle loooo! Dootle loooo!* In it, he found Westmoreland’s pocket watch, the fat wad of money, and… (quieter) *Dooot dooot doot doot doooooot dooot* A guard shirt with burnt cuffs! This paragraph will self destruct in 20 seconds.
On his walk of shame out of the prison and down to the unemployment line, Geary seethed at Bellick, “You’re as crooked as scoliosis.” Oh, snap! Bellick retorted, “Yeah, but I don’t get caught.” Oh, BURN! Get it? BURN?! Oh man, that’s like a double-meaning snap pun – the best kind.
Michael got his old hole-in-the-wall cell back and Lincoln was on his way to see his felonious son. La-Di-Dah, rolling along the rural Illinois countryside, nothing could go wrong, la-di-AAAAHHH! A huge truck broadsided the prison van, sending everyone flying in a bloody mess.
I’ll save my “Search every farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse” references for next week, which looks particularly exciting. Since FOX prefaced it, I don’t mind saying it – King Close talker, “Mr. V-Dub” himself Abruzzi’s coming back! Michael and Tancredi kiss! And Lincoln is on the run!
And so ends my attempt at the “Corny segue record,” currently held by 3 time champion, Dave Barry. Go ahead, count up mine and let him know.