One, Two, Three Men in a SHU

Last week offered a bit of a respite from the frantic nervousness of the typical Prison Break episode. That tranquil feeling continued for about 2 minutes this week as we revisited Michael and his little science fair project in Warden Pope’s office. I’m so glad the show didn’t “forget” the Popsicle stick Taj Mahal – it’s such a beautiful thing amidst the ugliness of prison life. And seeing Michael’s crafty diligence in the face of a melted shoulder blade, a condemned brother, a failed escape, and a missing pinky toe is an inspiration to us all.

Alas, Popsicle Mahal, which previously served as a seemingly magical vehicle to allow Michael to slither around, through, above, and below the prison walls, was nearing completion. She’s a beaut – but the plaster coating may require some more support beams on the inside.

Speaking of things that are beautiful on the outside but are hiding fragile ugliness on the inside, once-a-druggie-always-a-druggie Dr. Tancredi appeared and demanded an audience with Pope. Alone. She was there to discuss the piece of guard uniform she found in Michael’s back burn. Will he make up a story out of “whole cloth?” What lies will he “weave?” Will he test Tancredi’s moral “fiber?” The answers after the jump.Dr. Tancredi was, of course, with Pope to discuss the mystery of the guard uniform evidence in Michael’s burn. She was concerned that a guard was abusing fair Michael and thought Pope should know. (How could she know, really, that Michael’s cellmate had bribed his cousin to supply a guard uniform so Michael could sneak through the prison’s interstitial pipes and out into the yard, across into the Wack Shack, then back through pipes and then got burnt in the boiler room because a guard was down there feeding his alcoholism?) She only meant well.

Back in his cell, Michael was torturing himself to remember the burnt off blueprints. He got pissed at Sucre for hassling him, but he was merely projecting – Michael was pissed at himself for forgetting. You know how geniuses are – always kvetching about one thing or another.

A new character was introduced – a rather hulking beast of a man named Avocado – and he had his eye on young Tweener. Turns out that Dickhead Supreme Bellick had turned the giant predator onto the fresh meat in an effort to scare up some info out of him. Tweener told Bellick, “I can’t get to Scofield cuz he’s got his own peeps up in PI!” The solution? Add the punk to Scofield’s work crew. This didn’t fly to well with the boys, so they sought to get rid of him by sending him outside to clean a bunch of paint brushes. “A’ight, sorry I busted up the party, yo.” I just want C-Note to knock this kid out for lamely trying to co-opt his culture.

The party was truly busted up when Pope sent for Michael. Uh-oh, he’d now have to answer for the guard uniform melted into his flesh. Pope demanded to know who was abusing him but Michael wasn’t giving up any names. So, in a completely rational decision, Pope sends Michael to the Solitary Housing Unit, aka the SHU. Although it’s “Solitary confinement,” he was able to converse with his big brother Lincoln who just happened to be next door and only drainpipe “telephone” away. Michael was down and out – the plan was shot and they were all gonna get busted! Hmm, not sure whining to a guy who’s about to be executed for a crime he didn’t commit is gonna win much sympathy.

Out in the free world, we learned that Agent Brinker remembered who the mysterious man in the hat who saved Lincoln’s life was – a former employee of “The Company” who had, “Gone bad.” And oh, he was Lincoln’s father. She almost forgot that little detail – one which made secret service agent Paul Kellerman a tad upset.

In Chicago, Lincoln’s son LJ was yelling at the lawyers about not getting anything done. Um, kid, Nick got SHOT for your dad and all he’s trying to do is bang Veronica. If only they had some new evidence against this Kellerman guy… If only…

In a moment of clarity, they drove back out to Nick’s father’s cabin where LJ had checked Agent Quinn into the well. Despite the fact that Kellerman seems able to get away with anything, maybe he forgot about the Quinn murder. And maybe Quinn had some evidence on his dead body. Yeah right!

They lifted off the well cover (the one that was smashed through and broken in many pieces a few weeks prior) and – EWWWWW, there was Quinn’s rotting corpse. I guess my Get (out of the) Well card didn’t reach him. In another fortuitous twist, Quinn was holding his cell phone – knowing FOX Monday night drama logic, it probably still worked… From the bottom of a well.

Live Quinn… Dead Quinn
LJ was lowered down to the body to retrieve the phone and while down there, noted that Quinn had scrawled some words on the wall: “Paul Kellerman O. Kravecki.” Cool, now just tell the grownups what you found and we’ll get to the bottom of it!

Back in prison, C-Note was talking to his dopey wife again using his “Iraqinator” – the cloth over the phone that makes one sound like they are calling from a Middle Eastern war zone. But the wife is apparently beginning to catch on – she had made some calls and some of C-Note’s stories weren’t adding up. Everything really WAS falling apart! Especially since some pros were due in the guard shack the next morning to replace the carpet; the one covering the escape hole! Hole-y Crap!

C-Note immediately tore into Sucre and basically told him that he needed to “escape” to the guard room that night and fill the hole and concrete it over. There was some good back and forth dialogue between the two convicts and despite the dangers (Sucre couldn’t exactly go back through the sealed hole to his cell) he agreed to do it.

Over in the SHU, Michael was slowly going crazy trying to remember the damn blueprints. He tore up his sweatshirt, apparently ready to hang himself. He’d stopped talking to Lincoln through the floor and was really losing it. Out in GenPop, Sucre was fretting about how the hell he’d pull his caper off. One look at the resident prison tranny and Sucre knew exactly what he’d have to do. I didn’t get it, but I trust in the friendly armed robber. He called T-Bag over and told him what was up. There’s a joke here about T-Bag, trannies, and plugging up holes, but I can’t seem to find it.

We can assume that T-Bag did indeed plug the tranny’s hole, or at least teabagged him, as he handed something to Sucre which produced a big smile. Wait – that didn’t sound right. Anyway, Sucre went into his wall and found his way to the guard room under construction. He worked fast and was able to repair the hole in the ground – even though he was nearly caught by the Nintendo guard. Now, the hard part… He walked out into the yard, scooted across avoiding the guards and – CAUGHT! Ay Carumba!

Once again, I feel the need to point out that Bellick is tireless. He seems to work 24 hour shifts as there he was again, interrogating Sucre about his foiled escape. Sucre was cooperating but saying that he wasn’t escaping at all – he was merely in the yard retrieving some contraband. And what was that contraband? Yup, some giant stinky man-panties.

So that’s what T-bag got from the tranny guy. Bellick commented that Sucre had a “real beefer” of a girlfriend and then proceeded to slowly sniff the crotch. This gag-inducing moment brought to you by FOX, the Fair and Balanced family of networks. Off to the SHU with you, too, Sucre! There’s gettin’ to be a real party over there.

Well, not really as Michael’s descent into insanity was progressing rapidly and deeply. He had passed out into a catatonic state after punching the cement walls of his cell repeatedly. Dr. Tancredi (another tireless state employee) entered his cell alone and shut the door behind her – because that’s what unarmed women doctors do with violent psychotic armed robbery felons in prison.

Quickly catching up with wanna-be hero LJ, he had taken the gun from the cabin and was now looking up “O. Kravecki” in the Chicago phonebook. He called the number and listened intently to the voicemail message – the voice was unmistakable. It was the voice of the guy who murdered LJ’s mother and stepfather; Paul Kellerman! Cool – now just tell the grownups and they’ll get to the bottom of it!

Across town, Kellerman/Kravecki was learning about Lincoln’s father from Brinker. He was none too pleased that this whole plot seemed a bit thicker than he had known. At the same time, the VP was learning that Brinker and “the Company” had some plans she wasn’t so well versed on either. She was told to vote “yea” on a pro-enviro bill to break a Senate tie. She ain’t like that Dick, Cheney!

Remember Avocado? No, not that huge predatory prisoner Avocado, but the naked dude on “Mad, Mad House?” And what about Vampire Don? “Prison Break” needs Vampire Don. Every show needs Vampire Don. Anyway, this show’s Avocado was all over Tweener, assuming, “You probably don’t have a hair on your body,” to which Tweener replied, “Back your punk ass up.” I’ll take that as a yes.

Sufficiently scared for his own punk ass, Tweener spilled his meager beans to Bellick: “Something about the carpet has them scared!” Bellick saved Tweener from assault and ran over to the guard shack, ripped up the carpet and found… NOTHING. That Sucre, boy, he’s a damn good laborer. It’s ridiculous he was unemployed before going into the slammer. Oh, and now Michael was nearly dead over in the SHU.

Sigh, apparently 15 year old pot smoking LJ didn’t feel it necessary to tell the grownups about his findings and was now breaking and entering Kravecki’s walk up apartment in Chicago. Inside, it barely looked lived in but there was a boatload of buffalo jerky. Seriously. Moments later, the jerky jerk arrived “home,” walked across his living room and LJ shot him in the neck. Unfortunately, LJ hadn’t notified any grownups or policemen and when he gave Kellerman merely a flesh wound, cops arrived and arrested him. Kids: your lesson for the day is, when you’re a fugitive wanted for double homicide with a prior arrest record for marijuana possession with intent to sell, your dad is on death row and your uncle is a convicted bank robber, when you find some good evidence that may clear your name – TELL SOME EFFING GROWNUPS!

Up at Fox River, Bellick was pissed at Tweener for the carpeting gaffe and moved him into Avocado’s cell. At that I thought, I bet he wishes it was the “Mad Mad House” Naturist Avocado and not this Avocado. My next immediate thought was, “I watch way too much TV.” That was followed by, “Mmmm, guacamole.” Then, “How’s my man Sucre doing?” Then the show reeled me back in, thankfully.

Michael was now fully “gone” and catatonic. Dr. Tancredi had Michael moved to the Psych Asylum for further evaluation. The poor guy was looking quite bad but was allowed to mingle with the other nut jobs. One particular nut job was good ol’ Haywire – Michael’s roommate for a couple days back at the beginning of this adventure when Sucre was doing some time in the SHU. Suddenly, Michael snapped out of his coma and approached Haywire: “Remember how you used to stare at my tattoos and thought they were a pathway? Well, they ARE a pathway and I need you to remember the patterns.” Haywire stared vacantly into Michael’s eyes and said, “All work and no play makes Haywire a dull boy.” Actually, he said, “Who are you?” Cue exciting show ending music!

UPDATE!: Thanks to Reader/TVgasm Commenter Wade, we now know which carpet cleaner to use in Chicago. Awesome: