Tossed Salad With Avocado

TVgasm recently celebrated our 2000th post and I’d guess that about 1600 of them are recaps. Of those 1600, I am going to whip my balls out onto the table and state that I believe the latest episode of Prison Break is one of the most complex and difficult shows ever recapped here. Wait – why did I just pull my sack out? I hope no one saw that. I don’t mean to whine or make excuses but seriously, it’s like the writers took a bunch of speed before their writing session. “Shit was crazy,” as they say.

And the craziest shit seems to keep happening to Lincoln Burroughs – most recently a giant truck slammed into him in order to (finally) kill him. He was thrown from the prison van and was left moaning and groaning on the side of the road. The first passerby was Paul Kellerman – though I think after last week he’s now just Owen Kravecki – because he was knowledgeable of the crash plot to kill Lincoln. Like all evil bad guys, Kellerman confidently and slowly w-a-l-k-e-d 100 yards to the nearly dead inmate. And, of course, like only the best bad guys, Kellerman proceeded to give Linc a little dramatic speech about life and death and political conspiracy before doing the deed. The Joker, Dr. No, The Penguin, Goldfinger, The Green Goblin, Donald Rumsfeld…Kellerman then proceeded to smother dear Linc with a hanky – his gun apparently forgotten that morning. However, as Kellerman was waxing poetic, another passerby arrived and leapt to Linc’s assistance. Kellerman begged the Good Samaritan off as he was clearly succeeding with his hands-to-mouth resuscitation. But this guy really wanted to help and – it’s Daddy Burroughs! *WHACK!* He knocked Kellerman out and rescued his beleaguered son. Anyone else think that, at this point, Lincoln was like, “Let me die for f**k’s sake?”

A few miles away at Fox River Prison, Sucre was free from the SHU and the escapers all rejoiced. “We can all sign each other’s yearbooks later,” quipped T-Bag. The writers are really messing with us now, making us laugh along with the evil Bagger. Michael now had the missing map and all he needed now was one key to a door up in the infirmary – once secured, the escape was a “Go!”

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph,” breathed a stunned Westmoreland. Nah, just Jesus apparently, as it was Abruzzi – resurrected after 3 days from the dead! His would-be murderer, T-Bag, wasn’t exactly happy about the Messiah’s return and immediately set out to get himself a murder weapon. Make that a re-murder weapon.

Michael immediately glommed onto his mafia buddy and was a bit taken aback by his apparent Born Again Christian status. Abruzzi, always a close-talker, had stepped it up and was now a hugger. Um, like, Eww, okay? At least he didn’t make Michael touch his neck scar. (Anyone else ever see the other movie called “Crash” with James Spader and Holly Hunter? Don’t.)

Anyway, Abruzzi assured Michael that the plane would be in place for the escape, everyone was dead in the van crash but Lincoln, and oh – Lincoln had disappeared with his father to a nearby junkyard. Bellick, for some odd reason, was taking personal responsibility for what was for all intents and purposes an accident and convinced Warden Pope to keep the story away from the media for the time being. Why? I didn’t get that.

A quick check in on the storyline I don’t like, Nick and Veronica were busy going through Quinn’s phone records still. Michael has been diagnosed schizophrenic, treated and released and Sucre has been caught outside his cell, punished and released, all in the time that these two lawyers have sifted through a couple pages of phone numbers. Yet another example of lawyers being lawyers; getting paid by the hour. Pricks.

Back out to the rural crash scene, Bellick was on point to reign in any leaks. The one obvious “leak” was the guy who arrived first on-scene and could ID the getaway car. That’s right, PaulOwen KellermanKravecki. Kellerman explained his presence by saying he was on a business trip out to Aurora (Schwing!) and didn’t want to be bothered with all this policey stuff. Bellick demanded to know Kellerman’s name, which he gave as Roy Huggins.

Need another reminder why you read TVgasm? Here you are: On a hunch, I just Googled “Roy Huggins.” Pretty freaking cool, huh? Touché, “Break” writers, touché. And to think, I ended last week’s recap with, “I’ll save my “Search every farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse” references for next week, which looks particularly exciting. “

PaulOwenRoy KellermanKraveckiHuggins was inexplicably allowed to walk away from the scene and leave. Oh that Bellick – Mr. Thorough. Of course Kellerman had a police scanner sitting on his passenger seat in full view, which he turned on with an evil grin and awaited information on his elusive quarry.

Romantic Interlude # 1: Michael was up with Dr. Tancredi and after he was able to determine which key was necessary to open the door he needed to open, sat down and awaited the good doctor… To play doctor. [Cue porn soundtrack] Out of nowhere (lots of that this episode), Michael made his move and planted one firmly on Tancredi’s lips. Not some weak little smooch either – a real full kiss. “I need you to do something for me, Sarah.” [End porn soundtrack] Goddamnit, you see how we hot tall dark and handsome men are – there’s always a catch with us. He pleaded for her to “wait for him” but she said no, you’re a convicted felon and all that, blah blah blah. Dude, just go straight for The Shocker, enough talk! You’re in prison!

Romantic Interlude # 2: Tweener went back “home” to his cell with the ginormous rapist Avocado, who demanded to be addressed as, “Mr. Balls Johnson.” Damn, that’s not a good sign. [Cue gay porn soundtrack], The “privacy sheet” was lowered and *gulp* it was time to get gulping for the young prison bitch. [End gay porn soundtrack] Poor Tweener. Later, out in the yard, with Avocado lounging languidly and looking on, Tweener solicited help from Michael. Michael needed Tweener to use his skills to swipe the key from Tancredi and Tweener needed Avocado dead. [Cue Lifetime music] Tweener than blathered on about why he was in the pokey getting poked in the first place, wah, wah, waaaaah.

[Cue X-Files music] In the junkyard, hidden from plain view, Lincoln was undergoing his rapid healing process. God, there’s like, 5 Highlanders on this show – Abruzzi, Michael, Nick, Kellerman, and now Lincoln. Daddy Burroughs rattled off the whole deal to Linc. Something about how he would make Lincoln disappear to protect him from “them” because he used to work for “them.” “They” are a multinational firm called, “The Company” and they control everything – from who gets appointed judges, to what wars to fight, to what laws get passed, on and on and on. Since Pops Burroughs left “The Company,” with all their nefarious secrets, they were out to shut him up by executing this convoluted conspiracy against poor, pitiful Lincoln. I suppose just bumping off Daddy would have been too easy – instead they’ve now killed like 7 innocent people and ruined many more lives. Typical bureaucracy, I suppose.

Oh hey, look; Veronica deduced that a bunch of calls from around the world were going to the 406 area code, in remote Blackfoot, Montana. Good work, Veronica and Nick – meanwhile phones have become obsolete as we all now communicate via telekinesis. Sheesh. We were then whisked off to Blackfoot where a decidedly creepy Terrance Steadman talked with his sister the US Vice President – and he was pissed. Pissed about the whole “crapstorm” this Lincoln Burroughs thing had become. He even offered his surprise that The Company hadn’t killed off the VP yet. Montana is boring, what’s going on in the prison?

Abruzzi was milling about and approached T-Bag with a truce offering. Of course, T was worried about retaliation, but Abruzzi’s transformation to “Good Christian” seemed genuine so he extended his weaponless hand. T-Bag did the same and the two were now fast friends. Huzzah! Pope was yelling at Bellick for failing to turn up Burroughs, but Bellick was able to buy a little more time. And for the third little storyline going on concurrently at the prison, I think my handwritten note from the show says it best: “Av [Avocado] gets about raping, move to upper bunk, Tw [Tweener] slices dick off.” Yeah, that pretty much sums it up.

Earlier, Michael had called his wife, Nika, to ask her for some more help. She initially refused, even though he got her her green card, but apparently reconsidered. Nika approached Dr. Tancredi in the parking lot and convinced her to grab some coffee. If my Roy Huggins bombshell didn’t float your boat, maybe this will. Think Nika is hot? Wanna give her a call? Go ahead – Michael’s tattoo said the number was 312-909-3529. I’m not kidding… You can look at this picture when calling. (And why not email LJ while you’re at it? LJ@ign.com)

In the coffee shop, Nika spilled the beans about her sham marriage and how Michael had saved her from sexual slavery or whatever. Dr. Tancredi was getting a bit teary eyed as she stared at the stripper. [Cue porno soundtrack] Oh how I wish. Nika jumped up, bumped into Tancredi, and ran out the door – apparently she had had enough.

Lincoln apparently hadn’t (had enough), as his proud papa was still droning on about this crazy conspiracy. Steadman’s company, Ecofield, was going to do something The Company didn’t like so they faked his death for some reason and he now lives toothlessly in Blackfoot, Montana. Daddy explained how they “have a cause” that indeed is saving millions of lives and that even sparing his own son to execution was somehow worth it. Listen, I’m a smart guy and I love this show. But even I didn’t get all that and I’m not afraid to admit it. The dad even knows about the tragedy of Michael, LJ, and LJ’s mom (among others). And only NOW is he trying to “Make it right.” Well, he better hurry up because the junkyard owner spotted them and alerted the cops!

Breathe deeply, cause it’s gonna go fast from here on out.

C-Note stopped T-Bag from killing Abruzzi. End scene. Dr. Tancredi can’t find her keys. End scene. Nika visits Michael, gives him the stolen keys, and leaves. End scene. The cops descended on the junkyard and chased after Dad Burroughs and Lincoln who was now running like Marty Feldman’s Igor (EE-gor!) behind Gene Wilder’s Dr. Frankenstein (Frahnk-ensteen). Kellerman had spotted Linc and trained his gun on his head. With no escape and Bellick getting near, Lincoln gave up finally and was wrapped up by the guard, who let the father AND Kellerman escape into the ether of the junkyard somehow.

Breathe again, because it didn’t stop there.

Michael made his plastic replica key while Sucre alerted him to Tweener’s Lorena Bobbitt impression. (By the way, if you want to throw up, check out “John Wayne Bobbitt” on Wikipedia. I refuse to link it here… For the children. Everything I do is for the children.) Tancredi then put two and two together and realized that Nika, Michael’s wife, had stolen her keys. Abruzzi cornered Michael and begged to know where Fibonacci was again – to “atone” for his past sins and make things right. Michael, however, isn’t retarded and refused to help Abruzzi out. Want more random Abruzzi info?

Okay, how about how he called Nick of Nick and Veronica fame and told him that he was “officially on standby now and to have it there. Have that bitch there ready and waiting.” Say what? How the… Who the… What the… Huh?

Michael, in a fit of compassion for Tweener, told him about the escape plan. I take back that part about him not being retarded. (I know, I know, I’m sure it’ll make sense next week.) Michael then made his way up to Tancredi again only to find a locksmith changing the door lock – the one he’d worked so hard to get the key for. Tancredi knew Michael had the key and coldly stared him down while telling the locksmith to continue the work – even though she now had her keys back. Michael tried one last weak flirtation but she wasn’t having it anymore. Hey, what about yesterday?! Prison love is so fleeting.

(Almost there! Read the following in a staccato voice.)

Pope was pissed at Lincoln, who had suffered the same injury to his face that Michael had on his shoulder blade, apparently. Pope declared Linc be put in solitary under 24-hour guard until his death. Tweener ran straight to Bellick and told him about the escape plan! Bellick summarily ran to the guardroom and smashed through the brittle floor, which exposed the escape tunnel! Aaahaahahahahhh.

[Cue The Doors music*]

“Break on Through” OR “The End,” take your pick.