Recap: Prison Break: I Know Why The Caged Mahone Sings

Ah, Prison Break. I’ve never actually recapped this show before, but because Amanda is literally stuck in the Netherlands with various occupational obligations hanging over her head (don’t get any ideas) and because Umnata has been sacked with a double dose of The OC, I figured I’d step up and take the baton for an episode or two. I actually was kind of excited to sub in. I’ve been enjoying my own interior monologue of snark all season long, and now I can share some of it. I mean, is this not the most ridiculous show on TV right now? That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it. Heck, I love the way Agent Mahone can miraculously appear in different parts of the country in a blink of the eye. I’m starting to think that maybe he has a bit of that Heroes mojo going on. And let’s not overlook his brilliant powers of deduction. Nor can we forget T-Bag, the medical miracle of the Western World. Yes, so many plot holes, so little time.This week’s show started on a surprisingly sunny note. Literally. The familiar refrain of “Walking on Sunshine” greeted us, and for a fleeting second, I thought this show might be displaying an ounce of lightheartedness. Oh, how wrong I was. Turns out this Katrina and the Waves classic was merely the anthem to T-Bag’s painful torture experience. For those of you who may have forgotten, ex-officer Bellick and his faithful sidekick, Whatshisface, had cornered T-Bag in a house and were now trying to make him ‘fess up to the location of all that money. Well, apparently, they’d been going at it all night, playing “Walking on Sunshine” every time they plucked another stitch from T-Bag’s wrist. Delightful!

Of course, we knew these corrupt officers would be getting their comeuppance somehow. T-Bag did have a blade of some sort stashed away in his sock. But would he be able to reach it amidst all the pain and slobbering? (Oh yes, there was slobber.) Chances were, he’d probably employ said blade at about the 57 minute mark, right as the show was wrapping up (he’s done it before. Why not again?). In the meantime, the torturers found a nifty kitchen mallet, and what better way to spice things up than by  slamming T-Bag’s janky wrist with it. Ah, the sweet taste of horrendous pain!

Meanwhile, over at FBI branch headquarters — or wherever they were — it was officially announced that Burrows was in custody. This led to cheers all around and that one black lady saying, “Another day, he’d be gone.” THANKS, LJ. It’s only the twenty-millionth time you’ve screwed things up for everybody. (For those of you who don’t remember, they had to ditch their awesome car when LJ made eye contact with girls at a diner, and then later, when they were on foot, LJ got run over by a vehicle, leading to the arrest of him and his father. Way to go, douche).

We then cut to Agent Kellerman, who was busy being nefarious in a general sort of way. His cell suddenly rang, and immediately he could tell who it was: that pesky Asian man who likes to spend his days smirking and making veiled threats. I was personally amused to see that Mr. Kim, despite his high levels of Evilness, didn’t bother to restrict his phone number for caller ID. If Patricia Wettig ever found out he was running such a shabby operation, she would certainly have him drugged and stuffed in the Montana ranch with her toothless brother!

Later on, we headed back to Arizona where LJ and Lincoln somberly rode in the back of a cop car. Yes, just another lazy day in Arizona. Nothing could go wrong. After all, local cops always have such a brilliant track record with keeping suspects in custody on FOX conspiracy shows…

Sure enough, a big, black van appeared out of nowhere and rammed the police car off the road! What’s that you say? A car actually gets rammed off the road on Prison Break???? Why, I NEVER!!!

Well, with the squad car knocked down into a forest (for which Arizona is so famous for…), LJ and Link (my least favorite nickname of all time) ran free… for about two seconds. A bunch of people bounded out of the mysterious van, apprehending the two suspects. Leading the pack was a spritely blond woman whom Lincoln happily punched in the mouth before she explained that she was on his side. Even better, she worked for his DAD! Dunh dunh DUNH!

But that wasn’t the real kicker. The big pre-credits cliffhanger was that Agent Mahone was now in New Mexico (even though he’d been digging up dead bodies in his backyard about ten minutes prior). Yes, he was ready to bust up this rendez-vous between Michael and Sara, and it wasn’t gonna be pretty! Can’t wait for William Fichtner to overact through this!

After the opening credits, we found Dr. Sara Tancredi in a motel where she was passing the time suffering from black-and-white flashbacks and general torment. At one point, she stared at herself in the mirror, being reflective, quite literally. She also remembered that she had a special key that Michael had given her, and since now was as good a time as any, she decided to attach it to her keychain. Why she hadn’t done this before was beyond me, but hey, better late than never!

Meanwhile, up in Colorado, after a mere five minutes since being captured in Arizona, Lincoln and LJ arrived at a remote house. A random dude opened up Lincoln’s door, and when he stepped out of the car, Lincoln brusquely asked, “Who you looking at?” Well, he was clearly looking at you. After all, he was opening your door. What did you expect him to do? Cover his eyes in genuflection?

Once inside this house, the blond girl asked where Michael was. Lincoln was immediately suspicious, but the girl explained that she was merely trying to help. Hmmmm… we’ll see about that, lady!

Elsewhere in America, Mahone was busy questioning hotel owners in Gila, NM, and Sara, meanwhile, received a fax under her door. All it said was for her to be at 16781 Butterfield Road in one hour. A new address! But was the fax from Michael? Or was it a trap?

While we pondered that, we then headed off to a random highway where a shirtless Sucre was tending to his ghetto car, which had officially died. What to do? Next thing we knew, he was now in a small town (and wearing a shirt). Did he go to a mechanic? No. Did he steal a car? No. Did he do anything that would potentially cure his automotive woes? No. Instead, he called Maricruz’s sister Therésa. As usual, he was all blustery and in need of contact with Maricruz, but bad news: she and her sister were flying to Mexico in like an hour. By the way, it’s nice to see that the Feds trace any and all contact C-Note has with his lovely wife, but Maricruz and Theresa? Naaah…

Well, Sucre finally convinced Theresa to relay a message: have Maricruz call him back at this pay phone in one hour. He’ll be riiight there. Great! Sounds completely foolproof! Absolutely nothing could go wrong!

Back in New Mexico, Sara had traveled to Butterfield road, but no one was there. Was this a trap? It sure felt like one. Suddenly, an old crappy car began lurking towards her. Get out of your car, Sara! Get out! Turns out all our anxiety was for naught. Michael held true to his word and stepped out of the mystery car. That’s right: doctor and patient reunited at last!

After the commercial break, Mahone arrived at Sara’s motel, and of course, it only took about two seconds for him to obtain a copy of Michael’s fax. The front desk attendant said that it had come in about twenty minutes ago, which didn’t really make sense since the fax ordered Sara to meet at the address in an hour, and she was already there, so, um, someone’s watch was all screwed up. Anyway, Mahone held up the address and asked the guy, “Do you know where that is?” Duh! It’s 16781 Butterfield Road! The address is on there!

Nevertheless, the guy answered Mahone with “It’s five minutes away.” And just like that, the agent stormed out of the motel. Apparently he didn’t actually want directions. He merely wanted to know if the man had a general knowledge of the surrounding area.

Back at the rendezvous, Tancredi was all sorts of mad at Michael. She wanted answers from him, but all he could offer up was a feeble plan to escape to Panama. Well, Sara wasn’t happy about this, and she lambasted him for helping to put T-Bag back on the streets. Michael apologized profusely, saying, “My brother was going to die.”

“My father’s dead!” Sara snapped back. OUCH! Way to go, Scoffield. Well, because Michael is our resident hero, we then had to watch him get all choked up and Concerned for a few minutes. However, this remorseful interlude was cut short when a car then appeared out of nowhere, barreling down Butterfield Road with a dust cloud of rage behind it. MAHONE.

Unfortunately, Sara and Michael were at a dead end, which meant their only way out of this mess was to go STRAIGHT INTO THE JAWS OF THE MONSTER! Yes, they were gonna have to drive right at Mahone. And honestly, when you’re about to engage in a car chase with an officer of the law, why take Sara’s shiny new rental car when you can just use Michael’s dilapidated piece of junk instead? Yes, the two hopped in his car and drove straight down Butterfield Road, heading directly for Mahone’s car. I don’t know why they were making this such a big deal. It’s not unheard of for two cars to pass each other from different directions on an open road. Some might even call that “normal.”

Anyway, going at full speed, the cars came closer and closer until at just the last second, Michael swerved out of the way. Didn’t that coming at all! Well, this led to a general car chase, and guess what? Michael and Sara were rammed off the road by Mahone. You know, this show should really employ that plot twist more often.

Well, for whatever reason, even though he had just sent Scoffield’s car off into some sort of warehouse, Mahone didn’t bother to stop his own car. He just kept on driving away, which gave Sara and Michael enough time to escape from their car and hide in the aforementioned warehouse. We could only imagine that hi-jinks would ensue.

Meanwhile, at Bellick’s house of torture, there was more pain on the menu for T-Bag. Somehow, he managed to wrestle free of his captors, but in the process, the key to his locker (in which the millions of dollars were stashed) went flying out of his sock. Wait — was I mistaken all this time? Was that thing in his sock the key, not a blade? LAME.

Nevertheless, T-Bag went scrambling and quickly swallowed the key, which I think is about the fourth or fifth time he’s swallowed vital information on this show. Just because the key was out of sight didn’t mean it was gone forever. The guys then strapped him to a toilet, placed a colander under his butt, and forced some chewing tobacco into his mouth — which I guess works like a laxative. Why the guys didn’t simply pour some Metamucil down his throat was beyond me.

While Operation Shitcatcher got underway, we then headed back to that gas station where Sucre was awaiting a call from Maricruz. Unfortunately for him, some police officers just happened to pull up right when the phone began to ring. If I were him, I would have casually walked up to the phone and answered — mostly because the cops weren’t looking, and it probably would have seemed a whole heck of a lot less suspicious than what he was already doing: pressing his back up against the wall, clenching his teeth, and looking agonized in a general sort of way. Alas, Sucre didn’t have the balls to simply walk one foot and answer the phone, which meant that once again, he had missed dearest Maricruz.

“I hate my storyline!”

Meanwhile, Sara and Michael were still toiling about their industrial environs, and at long last, Mahone returned, ready to whoop some ass. Or at least shoot some ass with his cocked gun. Would our plucky survivors be able to get out of this jam?

We then went to commercial break, and when we returned, we found Lincoln talking to LJ, saying that “these people” were not to be trusted. They just wanted to use Lincoln to get to his dad. Were his suspicions warranted? Not so much. His dad really did show up, which meant that for at least the time being, it seemed like Lincoln was safe at last.

Back in New Mexico, there was nothing new on the Michael/Sara front. Still trapped. Still avoiding Mahone. Elsewhere, Paul Kellerman spoke with Mr. Kim, who informed him that a new agent was now on the case. Furthermore, he wanted Kellerman to follow Tancredi’s trail, starting with her rental car. Wait a second. Did that mean that even after that poor woman was gunned down at the phone booth and her father killed, Sara still rented a car with her credit card? Just another convenient Prison Break twist!

Speaking of Tancredi and convenient twists, over in New Mexico, she saw an opening and ran out of the building and over to Mahone’s car. She wanted to drive away, but unfortunately, Mahone hadn’t stored a key on top of the visor. I guess that whole “manhunt” thing got in the way of proper key storage. Luckily, the good doctor had a trick up her sleeve: she knew how to hotwire a car. I mean, of course! She was a drug addict! All addicts know how to steal cars!

Inside the building, Michael managed to hurt himself, and even worse, he had boxed himself into a corner. All he could see were locks and propane valves. Hmmm… might there be a plan brewing?

Back at the torture house, T-Bag was experiencing some mild intestinal woe. You know, the sort of happy fun that comes with passing a key through your rectum. Tasty! Well, Bellick’s buddy Roy (I finally looked it up) had the unenviable job of poking through T-Bag’s feces, and before long, the two guys had their key. They tied T-Bag to a radiator — oddly choosing to let him keep his right arm free — and then hightailed it out of there (but not before calling 9-1-1 and tipping them off). As we left the house, we watched T-Bag struggle to get free, pulling intensely against his bonds. Was he going to rip his hand off to get free? That would have been disgusting to say the least. You know, I avoided Saw for a reason, but after watching Prison Break, I may not need to.

Back in New Mexico, Mahone was this close to capturing Michael. At one point, he walked into a corner — the very same corner that Michael had been in just minutes earlier. Suddenly, there was a clatter as Michael swung a chain link door closed, locking Mahone in. Ah ha! Oh, and Mahone couldn’t shoot Michael in defense because Michael had turned those propane valves. One gun shot, and they all go up in a burst of flames. Yay!

Well, as you can imagine, this all turned into an intense scene as the two men mixed it up, saying what they each planned to do and whatnot. Michael said he was innocent, Mahone babbled on about how he didn’t have a killer instinct, blah blah blah. At one point, the evil agent mentioned something about Panama, which had Michael (and me) wondering how the heck he knew about Panama. Did he have a mole? Who could it be? C-NOTE??

Nevertheless, Michael and Sara drove off in her car (which she had fetched in the meantime), and over at the Kansas bus depot, tweedle dee and tweedle dum found T-Bag’s million dollar bounty. Yes, it all seemed like everything was perfect for these two, but one can never underestimate the power of greed. Even though they were right in the open, Roy took out that kitchen mallet and demanded that Brad hand over the bag. GOOD GOD! HE HAD A MALLET! It was almost as horrific as T-Bag’s screwdriver of doom!

Well, Bellick laughed it off, causing Roy to unleash a mallet fury on his head. The angry sidekick quickly felled his friend and ran off with the money, saying, “Next time, you look through the crap!” And just like that, Roy ran off with the money, hopping on the nearest bus and disappearing into oblivion. Meanwhile, how did no one not just see the mallet bludgeoning? It’s not like they were hidden from view. I guess these things happen all the time in Kansas. Another day, another mallet-ing.

Meanwhile, Sucre was still at the pay phone, and since it was clear that Maricruz wouldn’t be calling anytime soon, he decided to call her again and leave a message on her answering machine. Never mind that he was an escaped convict at the center of an intense nationwide manhunt, he still left pretty much all the details of his whereabouts out in the open. Of course, that wasn’t before he painted a lovely picture of his aunt Idalis’s Mexican farm. “Listen to me,” he told the answering machine. “My aunt Idalis, she lives outside Mexico City in the mountains on a farm with a llama for the baby to ride.” A LLAMA? Well! Why didn’t you say so earlier? Maricruz will be THERE!

Anyway, Sucre then told Maricruz that he’d meet her in an airport exactly a week from that day and that they could go off together and yada yada yada. It was pretty obvious that this entire message would never get to her, especially because in the very next scene, an angry Hector (hisss!!!) barged into Theresa’s home in search of Maricruz. Oh papi! She’s already left for Ixtapa! Next time, be muy rapido!

Amazingly, Hector did not hear the voicemail (yet), but I’m sure we will not have seen the last of him. Meanwhile, over at their new motel room, Tancredi lovingly tended to Michael’s wounds. At long last, would we be finally seeing some hot Tancredi-on-Scoffield action? It is sweeps, after all.

Sadly, they just continued to yammer on about how to get out of their predicament. Michael said he had people at the border who would help them. “One more day, Sara. One more day. That’s all I’m asking,” he pleaded. Yes, one more day. We’ll see how that works out…

Back in Colorado, Grandpa met LJ, or as he’s formally known, Lincoln Jr.. Blah. Amusingly, Lincoln’s dad’s name was… Aldo. That’s right. Grandpa Aldo Burrows. Shockingly, he did not moonlight as an old Italian barber.

Anyway, Lincoln insisted that they had to leave and cross the border, follow Michael’s plan, etc. Aldo disagreed. There was evidence to take down The Company! They just needed more time! But for now, there was no need to run. No need whatsoever.

Unfortunately, what none of them realized was that the guy who deigned to look at Lincoln earlier was none other than a mole for the Asian guy. Doh! And he was just told to kill Aldo, Lincoln, and LJ. Uh oh! Odds of Dad dying? 3-2. Odds of Lincoln surviving with the blond girl and a small lead towards the evidence? 1-1.

Before we could see how that situation resolved itself, we then went back to T-Bag, who was still trying to save himself, even as the sirens of police cars neared the house. With no other recourse, T-Bag began pulling aggressively at his hand. Yes, it looked like was gonna tear his arm off. We didn’t see if this gruesome possibility came to fruition, however, because we then went back to Michael’s motel. Apparently, Sara had decided enough was enough. She had disappeared while he was in the shitter. Sara did leave a parting note, saying “This time, I know better.” (It was a reference to an addiction conversation they had earlier). Well, Michael looked absolutely devastated, and I was kind of hoping Sara would come back in, saying, “Yeah, I just went to get a different soda. I know better than to drink Mr. Pib.”

Sadly, Sara didn’t return. She actually went out to her car, sat in the driver’s seat, and almost left, but then she had a change of heart. Maybe she should stick with Michael. Yeah, that’s the spirit! Go back to Michael! Unfortunately, when she stepped out of the car, a gun was pointed right at her face. Yes, Kellerman had magically tracked her down, and just like that, the episode ended.

What did you think about this episode? Fun? Exciting?