Can you hear me now, bitch?

“Aaaarrrggghhh!” No, that wasn’t me yelling to psych myself up to catch up with all my recaps. That was prisoner Michael Scofield starting off this week’s exciting episode of Prison Break. Because, remember, jailed mobster Abruzzi had just snipped off his cutest, littlest appendage. FOX really, ahem, “toed” the line with this scene, as all we were shown was a bloody sock. And if FOX knows anything, it’s how to play up a bloody sock. If last week’s enduring symbol was the origami duck, this week it would be the bloody sock. At least I was hoping it would be at this point so early in the episode. Of note: When you cut off the last little piggy, it does not say “Waaa waaa waaa” all the way home… Your babysitter lied to you. Speaking of lying, Abruzzi admitted he lied to shifty guard Bellick about the “conversation” he wanted to have with Michael and lopped off his toe instead. Oops.

Michael was dragged up to the good doctor’s office to get treatment for his “accidental injury” and left alone with her by the guards. Convicted armed robber with a penchant for prison violence? Sure, leave him alone in a room full of medical instruments with the pretty young female Doctor Tancredi. Smart. Actually, it was the doctor who forced the guards to leave them alone – but the mere fact that they did was a bit absurd. Michael would not give up the truth behind his injury to her and the guards were only too happy to play along – as they were complicit themselves. Dr. Tancredi was understandably pissed but at a loss for words. Ahhh, prison life… Get a screw, wrangle a Teabag, lose a toe, flirt with a cute doctor… I’m so hooked on this show.

Why, because it’s INTENSE, man. Just look at the INTENSE faces on all the INTENSE screen caps from the INTENSE episode this week. In fact, when Michael was with the doctor he told her about some recurring dreams he was having – he was trying to figure out why he was always either a teepee or a wigwam in his dreams. The doctor’s answer, after the jump…
“Because, Michael,” Dr. Tancredi said, “You’re two tents!” Shout out to my man Bazooka Joe for that one.

The next day Michael’s brother Lincoln Burroughs, who is scheduled to be put to death in a month or so, had somehow heard about Ol’ 9 Toes Scofield and was pissed off. But before he could spout off about getting back at Abruzzi, his younger brother shot him a scolding look and explained why that wasn’t going to happen. You see, they need Abruzzi as part of their elaborate escape plan. Abruzzi knows a guy who runs a shell corporation that flies private charter planes from some airstrip only a mile or so away. Ah, so this is why he’s blackmailing him with that whole, “Nanny nanny boo boo, I know where Fibonacci is and youuuuu don’t” thing. The problem is that by telling Abruzzi about the escape plan, if 1 guy knows about it, then another 1 does and then 2 do. Then 3, 5, 8, 13 people know about it. Before you know it, 21 people know about the plan. Now that’s what I call a regular old Fibonacci problem. (Math jokes rule! I’ve been wanting to work that in for 2 weeks now – and all for the benefit of 3, maybe 5… Maybe 8 readers in total. There, ha, I did it again.)

Aaaaaanywayyyyy, Michael made it clear that there was one other prisoner who was integral to the plan – Sucre his cellmate. Fresh out of the SHU (the Solitary Holding Unit), Sucre was busy phoning his fiancée to explain his sudden absence. She wasn’t home so he began leaving her a lurid answering machine message – unfortunately for him, her mamacita was listening, picked up the phone, and told Sucre to give it up, her daughter was with a “real man.” As you can imagine, this upset Sucre. He’d like to try to call his girl more frequently but it’s not like there are cell phones readily available in prison, y’know? I mean, what are the chances? Who would even imagine such a thi – What?! Sucre’s cellie Michael has a cellie in his cellie?! INTENSE!

Before we learned more about the contraband cell phone, Michael’s gay rapist kidnapping murderer nemesis Teabag was busy procuring a “gutter” – a nasty-looking knife designed to enter the belly and then to be pulled out along with all of the victim’s innards attached. INTENSE. And the knife had Michael’s name written all over it. Seriously, it did. Prisoners have a lot of free time, you know. Concurrently, limpy Michael was meeting with his sunken face lawyer and friend, Veronica, during visiting hours. Veronica discussed how she had met Leticia Brown and that she’d given her small morsels of information regarding the whole set-up of Lincoln. Leticia’s boyfriend Crab had been murdered by the same people responsible for Lincoln’s situation and Veronica was determined to sort it all out. By herself… In the projects… INTENSE!

Last week’s meaningless storyline reared its head again as Lincoln’s son was being reprimanded by, I think, the police and was “sentenced” to weekly meetings at the police station, good grades, and weekly visits with his dad until his execution. Got it, right, that makes sense. Moving along to something slightly more believable, Michael clumsily exposes his illicit cell phone right in front of Sucre. Ooops. Sucre gets all crazy for it, dreaming of talking to his girl and “painting the ceiling,” as it were. Michael isn’t sure he can trust him so he hides it away in an out of the way compartment and tells Sucre that he “didn’t see anything.” Yeah, right – if anything, everyone knows a prisoner enjoys a good game of Breakout, and this phone was just the ticket.

Out at the projects, Veronica happened upon an open door at Leticia’s apartment and invited herself right in. She was met with the barrel of a gun pointed right in her eye with an angry, jittery Leticia holding the trigger. After some convincing, Veronica got her to drop the gun and to agree to give some testimony about her boyfriend’s death – and Lincoln’s involvement. Yeah, it was a pretty INTENSE scene.

Meanwhile, over at Fox Run Prison where even death row inmates seem to have never-ending recess, Lincoln spied Sucre pantomiming cell phone usage. Bastard! Michael told him not to spill the beans. Perhaps in retaliation, Lincoln bribed Bellick the guard with some extra cigarettes in return for ratting on Sucre’s cell phone. In the visiting area, Abruzzi was enjoying the company of Philly, the cornball mafia stereotype. Philly was ripshit that Abruzzi hadn’t broken Michael yet to get him to talk about Fibonacci’s whereabouts. Even though Abruzzi gave Philly a nice gift-wrapped box containing Michael’s little toe, Philly wasn’t placated. In fact, he brought Abruzzi’s cute little kids in to hammer his point home. “Get the info from Michael or I’ll kill your children.” I don’t even have to tell you how INTENSE that scene was.

Bellick, now on the warpath, cornered Sucre and pressured him to give up the phone’s whereabouts. He wouldn’t do it and lost his conjugal visits from his fiancée as a result. Of course, this meant that he’d have unlimited anytime minutes (weekend and weekday, not including roaming charges) on Michael’s phone. When he approached his cellmate about the deal, Michael happily whipped out the phone… and began getting Zestfully clean. For you see, the “phone” was actually carved and painted soap! The whole thing was a test to see if Sucre could be trusted with a secret and he’d passed the test. Sucre was livid that he lost his conjugals for a bar of soap, but Michael had the remedy. He offered to break him out (since he was his roommate) as well as a lifetime supply of origami ducks. No dice… In fact, Sucre only got more upset. He tore into Michael about his plan and vowed to get reassigned to a new cell with a person not hell-bent on a harebrained escape plan. In a rare bit of primetime network sarcasm, Lincoln muttered, “That went well.” Please, networks I beg of you, more sarcasm, more often.

Over at Veronica’s office, Leticia Brown was spilling the beans. It was all a bunch of cryptic gibberish, but she did say that Lincoln owed her boyfriend Crab 90 thousand dollars and that “government” men paid the debt for him. Not much to go on, but I’m sure we’ll get more later as Leticia needed to take a quick smoke break. Upon her return a couple minutes later – hey! That’s not Leticia! Why, it’s that jerkoff Secret Service Agent Kellerman guy who we learned not to like last week. He questioned Veronica about the video she had requested through the Freedom of Information Act but she knew something fishy was afoot. Kellerman played it cool, gave her his card, and left peaceably. Perhaps he was cool because at that very moment his partner was throwing Leticia in the trunk and taping up her mouth. Just after she realized her main informant was missing, Veronica’s fiancé Sebastian called to inquire about wedding crap. This is another story line I don’t care about but in the spirit of 24, who knows – maybe he’s in with the bad guys somehow. I figure I should at least mention him, even if he’s a total pussy.

Switching back again to the prison, after a priest implored Lincoln to have family at his execution, Abruzzi was meeting with Teabag to discuss their favorite pretty boy… Michael Scofield. Teabag was planning on gutting Michael because he was a piece of “detritus.” Abruzzi, still needing critical info from the boy, agreed to assist. This unholy alliance and their goons cornered Michael in a stockroom and set to work on him.

Teabag was up first and suggested that maybe he’d “get the lovin’ out of the way before the hate.” In other words… actually, I think the shot of Teabag here pretty much tells the whole story. I rubbed my hands in anticipation of seeing Teabag live up to his name but before he was able to whip out his sack, Abruzzi obliterated the predator’s face with his elbow. Certainly didn’t see that one coming. Nor did I see the next scene coming in which Abruzzi made amends with Michael, going so far to make a deal for the plane in return for Fibonacci’s location and his own freedom. “You’re a mercurial man, John,” said Michael. Since no one knew what “mercurial” meant, Abruzzi’s thugs jumped Michael and beat him senseless. Not really, but that would have been more realistic.

Quickly, LJ met with Lincoln and the two made up and expressed their love for each other. Sebastian met with Veronica for lunch but broke off their engagement. I wish there was more to these storylines, but there’s not. There is, however, the little matter of Leticia Brown and her Secret Service captors. They drove her out to a secluded section of a forest and made some idle chitchat about how nice the firs smelled. Annnnnnd then they murdered her. IN-F’ING-TENSE. To her credit, she did put up a little fight and almost convinced the smaller agent to let her run free. Kellerman, however, wasn’t hearing any of her pleas and put two bullets in her head. See kids, smoking kills.

The last scene took place back at the prison where Michael met his new cellmate. Bellick brought him from the psych ward and warned Michael not to make eye contact with him. He was already 3 days behind in his escape plans and this wasn’t going to help at all. That night, while he thought his new cellmate was asleep, Michael began quietly working on the toilet again. He was interrupted by the psychotic stare of the new wacko on the top bunk. “What is wrong with you?!”

“I got a neuro-anatomic lesion affecting my reticular activating system,” said the freak.

“What does that mean,” queried Michael.

“It means I never sleep.”

Exactly what Michael didn’t need. GoddamINTENSE!