Prison Break: The “Lost” Episode

So how the hell did Lincoln get so professionally set up? And how did Michael decide to tattoo his whole torso? And how did Dr. Sara Tancredi end up at Fox River Prison? And what made lovable Sucre commit armed robbery? And what was T-Bag like outside the slammer? And how did the corpse have Terrance Steadman’s dentition? And how many more questions can I come up with? And how many English majors are cringing about my repeated use of “And” to start sentences?

Some Prison Break fans were bemoaning a flashback episode, fearing it would be full of previously seen clips and crap like that. Alas, the show did not do us like that – in fact, I thought this episode was creative, smart, entertaining, and went a long way to further the storyline while still leaving us wanting more. More conspiracy, more mysterious tattoo clues, and more Maricruz in a thong. Ay carumba, muy caliente!

In case anyone thought Lincoln Burroughs was a model citizen before getting involved in this mess, you were quickly absolved of that notion. There he was, curled in a dirty, shivering fetal position out on the mean streets of Chicago. He had had a bender the previous night and had lost the keys to his apartment. Michael showed up, shook his pretty little head in disappointment at his older brother and got him into the tiny apartment. Two dudes were already in there; Crab Barrows and some other guy and they were in bad spirits. We learned a little bit about the debts Lincoln owed (90 grand) and that they had come due. Of course, poor ass Lincoln had no money, so he was offered a deal: Murder a guy who does bad things to good people. A $90,000 bullet, if you will. And it didn’t appear as though Lincoln had much of a choice in the matter.

Some peeping Toms were watching and recording this whole exchange and noting every detail of Lincoln’s outfit. After a few scenes where Michael was drinking scotch with a very flirtatious Veronica, Lincoln left a desperate message on Michael’s cell phone. He needed help and guidance, as he was about to commit murder, but Michael was too interested in his druggie bro’s leftover poontang – Veronica.

In a scene critical to the entire series, we saw an unstable Lincoln approach Terrance Steadman’s car with gun drawn, preparing to shoot the man in the head. Of course Steadman was already shot dead and of course Agents Kellerman and Pussy were filming the entire proceeding.

Moral Dilemma # 1: The rest of the time you watch “Prison Break” and are hoping Lincoln is spared, remember that he WAS going to shoot Steadman and, we can assume, murder him.

After not shooting Steadman, Linc ran out of the parking garage and down and alley and bumped into none other than lovable Sucre. Lovable – and in love. Sucre didn’t care that this crazy gun-toting white guy who ostensibly just murdered the VP’s brother ran into him – for he just caught the eye of the muy deliciosis Maricruz from across the way. Sucre was loco for Maricruz, and Hector (remember him?) was also there to quash our Sucre’s dreams.

Flash over to the hospital where a slightly younger Dr. Tancredi was shooting up morphine. Quick scene change to Kuwait where a younger and thinner C-Note was delivering a case of cold beer to a superio — SAY WHAT?! Dr. Tancredi shooting up drugs?! Yup, and the dark circles under her eyes proved it – she was a full-fledged addict! I didn’t see that one coming – which is weird because, you know, this show took place in the past. I refused to get wrapped up in a freaky Charlie Kaufmann mindf*ck and just reveled in the fact that Dr. Tancredi was the hottest junkie I’ve ever seen.

The next day the news was out – Lincoln Burroughs had murdered Terrance Steadman. There was concrete evidence (the video) and a motive (Linc worked for Steadman’s company and had been fired recently). There was also the pithy Dr. Phil excuse of, “My mommy died and my daddy was absent from my childhood, wah, wah, waaaaahhhh.” Michael, fully fed up with his loser brother, wrote him off and believed the media reports.

Amazingly, Veronica stuck up for Lincoln and persuaded Michael to pursue the story because she just couldn’t believe it. This, of course, makes no sense if you remember back in episode one, it was Michael doing all the convincing to Veronica! But that’s a minor quibble. At this point, the show raced forward with endless very short, totally unrelated scenes. As a result, and because I think I’ve only be able to cobble together one joke thus far, I’m going to change up how I write this. Eh, it’s nearly a week late so who cares anyway, right?

Sucre: El Bandito Amable
Sucre’s real name is Fernando and he really is a genuinely nice guy. His cousin, Hector, is the conniving jealous jerk we thought him to be, and Maricruz is the hottie Latina we knew her to be. Sucre was enamored with Maricruz, but being broke and generally lame hurt his chances to woo her. Hector made sure to drive this point home as much as he could, but Sucre had a plan up his sleeve. Barrio logic: You need money, you rob liquor store.

But since Sucre is the nicest armed robber in history, when the store clerk offered up several hundred dollars, Mr. McFriendly Neighborhood Armed Robber only took 20 bucks, leaving the victim stunned. Awwww, how cute – a real Zorro. As a result of this crime, he was able to wine and dine his girl and she ate it all up.

So much so that the two of them rolled around in bed and discussed their future together. Blah, blah, blah I said, as I thanked the gods again for TiVo technology. *bloop*bloop*bloop* Hey, I was just getting the right frame for the integral screen cap. Ease up on me. *bloop*bloop*bloop* Got it!

Later, Sucre is ready to propose to Maricruz but there’s that damn Hector, hectoring Sucre again about having no job and no money. Back to the old standby – robbing a liquor store at gunpoint. Sucre again sauntered into the same store, pointing the gun at the same clerk, but stealing ALL of his cash this time. You see, it was all for love! How can armed robbery be wrong if it feels so right? Unfortunately for Sucre, the cops didn’t have the same sentiment and promptly arrested him as he exited the store. Hey, how did they know to be there? That question was answered when we saw that conniving Hector closing his cell phone that just died 9-1-1. In case you were confused, you were supposed to feel badly for the armed robber and be mad at the law-abiding Good Samaritan.

Moral Dilemma # 2: When cheering for Sucre’s safe escape and laughing along with approving nods, remember that Sucre is indeed, a two-time armed robber.

C-Note: A Real MotherTrucker

Benjamin Franklin, aka C-Note, really was in the military and really did see some action in the Middle East. Annnnnd, like Sucre, he really was a criminal. In the military, as he is later in Fox River, he was the go to guy for illegal contraband. He secured all sorts of booze for his superiors and as a result, was given some cushy jobs away from combat duty – ironically guarding prisoners.

As we all know, guarding prisoners from Iraq requires participating in, or being complicit with, torture. C-Note, being the upstanding smuggler he is, was neither. He witnessed a li’l bit ‘o torture goin’ on and promptly reported it to his superior. Instead of a medal and promotion, C-Note got arrested and dishonorably discharged from the Army. Wow, this was a pretty politically charged up scene – on a Fox network no less.

Once home in Chicago, C-Note was without a job and without prospects. “Who’s gonna hire a black man who was dishonorably discharged” he questioned his brother, MikeJones. Well, MikeJones would for one – he offered to let C-Note “Drive the truck” which we new entailed illegalities of some sort. So poor, poor C-Note drove the truck, got arrested, and sent up the (Fox) River. This was the part where his entire arrest, bail hearing, bail, trial, etc were all hidden from his wife and daughter. You’d think escaping prison would be a breeze for him after pulling that off! He had a word with MikeJones and told him to NEVER tell his family he was in jail rather than Iraq and that was that.

He must have REALLY been driving some illicit stuff – like a truck full of panda bears stuffed with cocaine and child porn videos. Because otherwise, the escape plan wouldn’t make sense unless he was put away for a long, long time. Which brings me too…

Moral Dilemma # 3: When dabbing tears away from your cheeks when C-Note lovingly talks of his daughter, remember that he was a criminal smuggler in Kuwait and then drove dead pandas who performed sodomy with kids.

Dr. “Feelgood” Tancredi: Mighty Morphine Power Ranger

As mentioned, the good doctor was as drug addict way back when. She’d steal away into supply closets and shoot up morphine and who knows what else. She was a(n attractive) mess. She also had a doofy druggie boyfriend who benefited from her thievery of the hospital’s drugs and the two of them enjoyed stumbling down the snowy streets of Chicago together.

Stumbling high down snowy streets is always fun until someone breaks their neck AND presumably has an eye poked out. Yup, a little boy was hit by a car on his bike and even though Sarah was a doctor, she was so high she couldn’t help the kid out. I know the feeling – but no need to get into EdHill’s meth-fueled all male hotel parties, now is there?

As a result, Tancredi entered rehab, became cuter, and began leading some of the rehab classes. One of her “students” was none other than Bellick – the asshole prison guard. He was in rehab to break the grip Shamrock Shakes and fries had on him – with apparently no luck. In the funniest part of the show, Bellick asked Tancredi out for a date after clueing her in on a doctor job opening at the prison: “I got a gift card for the Red Lobster over off the interstate.” Just an awesome line of dialogue – it wasn’t just any old Red Lobster (a joint an elitist foodie snob like me would never step foot in) but it was the specific Red Lobster “off the interstate.” And, he had a gift card! Needless to say, Tancredi turned him down in deference to, “brushing up my resume.” Ouch. Which reminds me of a Seinfeld joke (I think)… Ladies, if you want to bang a guy and that guy says he can’t because he has to get up early for work the next morning, um, that dude ain’t into you. Trust me. Which brings me to…

Moral Dilemma # 4: Am I a dick for revealing that? Eh, we married guys are such cockblockers sometimes.

T-Bag: 9×7= Show Uncle Teddy Your Undies
Finally, one prisoner’s story that reveals him to be a fully guilty prick who deserves to rot in prison. Despite his overt creepiness, T-Bag (“Teddy” in the outside world) was dating a rather normal woman with two children. On date night, T showed up at the door with dinner from Mularkeys and all was going swimmingly.

He even had some alone time with the lady’s daughter and taught her a trick regarding the 9 times tables. I totally didn’t get the trick though – it didn’t seem to make any sense to me so I just sat here at my desk at work trying to figure it out. I get it now, but the fingers on the right hand always seem “off” to me by a digit – I’m sure I could figure it out but doing 2nd grade math on my fingers gives me a distinct “retarded” feeling so I quit.

The lady then saw Teddy on “America’s Next Top Model,” called the cops, and the rest is history. T-Bag killed 6 people in Alabama, according to John Walsh. He was also “flirting’” with the young girl at the house. Finally, no moral dilemma here – maybe Michael will pull off the David Copperfield trick and switch T-Bag for Linc when the time come to fry again?

The Whole Lincoln/Michael/Veronica Thing
We learned that the $90K was a “loan” Linc took out from a loan shark to pay for his little brother Michael to go to college. Michael had been under the impression that that money had come from their mother’s life insurance, but that was all a ruse. This moved Michael so much so that he decided then and there to free his bro from his shackles.

Michael retreated to his HUGE beautiful office and began researching the case against his brother. He came across an origami crane which began sparking the ideas of the escape. He learned that Leticia Barrows wouldn’t testify and the cop who found the body had changed his story. He began gathering photos and blueprints of the prison. A crazy plan was forming – a plan so crazy it just may work!

All Michael had to do was memorize the prison blueprints and all the detail necessary to escape. But DAMNIT MAN! He… Just… Couldn’t… Do it. He ordered a pizza which was delivered by a girl covered in tattoos. There you have it folks – the reason Michael scarred his body for life with a big, bad tattoo. Not only that, he had to go all the way down to Mexico to meet with some greasy guy who knew the secrets of backwards/mirror tattoos. Sure, this is pretty cool, but did he really have to go to Mexico and pay a guy to figure out how to make this phone number into a word in a mirror?

In the final Scofield scene, he tightened up his tie and went off to commit his armed bank robbery. Because that’s the best option.

The Whole Conspiracy Thing

We learned that Kellerman, Pussy, and Brinker were behind the whole conspiracy against Lincoln – at the behest of the Vice President. An Asian guy made the very convincing fake footage of Lincoln doing the shooting with Final Cut Express. (Macs rule!) Nothing new there – but then we learned that the VP bought the house out in Montana with her “dead” brother’s money and bought it specifically for its isolation. Hmmmm. In the final scene, we were brought back to the very beginning of the series as the “mysterious Montana woman” chopped up vegetables.

Except now we knew she was the Vice President of the United States and then we saw her bring the veggie juice concoction over to… “Dead” Terrance Steadman! “Deadman” removed his dentures (a full set) and proceeded to drink the liquid meal saying, “My dear sister, you have no idea what I’ve been through.”

Indeed – I suppose he had all his teeth removed so they could put them in the corpse in the ground. Quite a sacrifice and one that I now must know what it was.

Moral Dilemma # 5: Would it be gay of me to ask Terrance Steadman for a bj?