Prison Break: The Adventures of Magilla Gorilla and Doctah Undapants

(Note: I’m so sorry this is so late. Weekend in New Orleans + Backlogged Work + Lost Season Finale = Tardy, Tired Loula.)

LINC MAKE FRIDGE GO BOOM

Well, here we are, limping to the finish line together with the handful of characters that managed to survive this long. This was kind of a placeholder episode before the big finish, but there was a very affectionate little minireview of the finale in Entertainment Weekly, essentially saying that while the run of the show pretty much defined “off the rails” it was always good fun, and it all pulled together very nicely in the end. So that’s encouraging and I’m totally excited. It also alluded to [VAGUE SPOILER!] the return of a past villain. I’m pretty sure all of our former bad guys are confirmed dead except Kellerman (I said confirmed, dammit) and Gretchen, so it’s either incredibly awesome or just kind of boring. I’ll brace for mild disappointment just in case. [END VAGUE SPOILER!]. It’s a 2 hour finale so I’ll be even later than usual putting the recap up, but hey, a) it’s the last one I’ll ever do, so I want it to be good, and b) it’s not like we have a “put it up before the next ep airs” deadline. Oh, Mission: Implausible. What will I do without you?
4.20 Cowboys and Indians.We pick up where we left off, in the post-assassination pandemonium where Linc and Michael are just standing in the absolute worst place possible, with everybody going “hey look, it’s that guy who shot that other guy but not really! But maybe he actually did if he also shot this guy, right?” And I guess that’s kind of a fun meta thing to do, but it is also undeniably absurd and implausible. Which, this show could easily be called Prison Break: Absurd and Implausible so I’m not really complaining or even asking it to make sense, I just hope they can make it awesome. They didn’t give us much about the world reaction to the events of season 2, i.e., the president set these guys up, the guy wasn’t really dead in the first place, huge government conspiracy, etc., so it’s even harder to put it into perspective. But anyway, okay, they finally realize they should probably get away from the exact place where the assassin was standing, but the only way they can get out is for Linc to shoot the lock on the door. This is unfortunate, since it a) puts Linc’s fingerprints on not just the casings but the actual weapon as well, which is just a little present to Christina, b) freaks the crowd out all over again when they hear yet another gunshot, and c) draws the crowd’s attention even more to their exact location. Christ. A whole gaggle of cops runs after them but they manage to hide out in the huge industrial sized kitchen just like in Jurassic Park.

Lesson: In terms of locating people hiding in industrial sized
kitchens, velocirapters are smarter than the Miami Police Department. They’re worthless on a stakeout though.

Mahone and Self are outside amid the chaos and police cars and the whole thing has just gotten so completely ridiculously out of hand that Self is actually laughing. Mahone says yeah, it’s fucking hilarious, dipshit, how long do you think it will take the General to see this on TV and follow through on the threats they made to the only family members these guys haven’t already killed? Michael calls Mahone and Self, comically stage-whispering for help with a way out of the hotel. Self notices a loading dock door on the opposite side of the building with only one cop guarding it, for some reason. There are laundry bins outside, so Michael figures if they can get to the laundry, through the ventilation system, they can get to the door. But they need help getting there, and who saves the day yet again? That would be Don Self’s Homeland Security badge! Who’s a good badge? You are! Yes you are!

Michael sends Mahone over to Dr. Lady’s condo where Sara is holding Christina hostage, except no, she’s totally not. They figure they can get the company off their backs if they get Christina to give up Scylla, which they won’t, because she’s long gone. Good idea though, Michael, even though the initial “here, waifish exhausted obviously pregnant girlfriend, why don’t you take this one singular handgun and assume for some reason that my Evil Geniusâ„¢ mom won’t McGyver her way out of there about ten seconds after I leave” plan was a bit lacking in foresight.

Back at the lair, Baldy and T-Bag are watching FOX News coverage of the assassination, where Asian Reporter Tricia Takanawa talks about unconfirmed reports that the famous Fox River Brothers were responsible. And like, yes, two frame-ups for two different assassinations does seem a little absurd, but a wacky Odd Couple team of assassination-for-hire brothers who are just really, really terrible at their job is even sillier. Anyway, BALDY SMASH! He’s furious because he knows that if Michael and Linc are caught, he has no control over what they’ll say to whom about what nefarious shit they’ve witnessed. Which makes the Company, once again, an unlikely ally. He sends his minions out to do as much damage control as possible.

Michael steals a skeleton key type card from a housekeeping cart, but the hotel’s security is just a step or two ahead of them: every lock on every room in the whole joint shuts down. Which is probably kind of scary for anyone who was in the shower when the evacuation order went out. They just need to get into the ventilation system, but to do that they need to get into a room. They can’t take the stairs to the roof without setting off the alarms, so they’re stuck in the hallway like a couple of comically mismatched sitting ducks.

“Yeah, I’ve been wearing this same suit for like four episodes now. It’s been in a trunk and tied to a chair. You got a problem with that?
I didn’t think so.”

Christina is watching the news too, and is once again thisclose to tenting her fingertips and saying “eggggcellent,” especially when the reporter gets around to the part where a metric shit-ton of money was wired from the Chinese government to Linc and Michael. What was the phrase Baldy used last week? Something about an international incident that would proceed inevitably toward war? Well, you get India pissed off at China and you’re like halfway there. Literally, and I literally mean “literally” here, that’s nearly half the population of the entire Earth in one bank transaction. Brava, crazy Mom. Her right-hand man, whose name I never bothered to learn, is equally impressed. “Now we just sit back and watch the dominos fall.” Muahahaha. Christine just wishes they weren’t falling on Michael, but Minion Guy says she gave him a chance and he resisted the Dark Side. So let the dominos fall where they may! (I like to mix at least two metaphors a day.)

So back to Self’s magic badge. He’s kind of awesome when he does his dick-measuring-contest stuff with the cops, you know, the usual “this isn’t the kind of gangbanger shooting you’re used to, let the big boys take care of it, don’t you turn your back on me when I’m talking to you, young man,” etc. He does find out they’re planning on gassing every floor one by one to smoke the boys out. But not in the good way.

And here we have poor tied-up taped-up knocked-up Sara, trying to open kitchen drawers with her feet. Mahone arrives, as instructed by Michael, but of course his primary objective is moot on account of Christina is long gone. I actually kind of love when Sara and Mahone have scenes together, maybe just because it doesn’t happen often, maybe because they’re the two relatively normal characters on the show, probably a little of both. Anyway, today we get Calm Assertive FBI Mahone, who I like even better than the End Of His Rope Mahone we got last week. Sara freaks out when she hears about Michael and wants to run after him, but Mahone tells her to get the hell out of town post haste. He’s there on Michael’s behalf and that’s what he’d want her to do. She reluctantly agrees to at least stay put in the apartment so Michael will know where to find her.

“This is your fault, America! Why didn’t you people stop watching this show two seasons ago and save us fictional people all this trouble?”

Christina is meeting with the Prime Minister of India, i.e., the guy whose son she put a successful hit out on like two hours ago. She is so totally sorry about this terrible tragedy that she had nothing at all to do with in any way, and hey, too bad about the Chinese! Those guys are assholes, am I right? He says he’s there to talk to her about how to make China pay for this imaginary crime, and she honestly can’t even suppress a smirk. Putty in her hands! When he alludes to Scylla’s possible utility in the area of international revenge, she’s like “oh no, don’t be so rash, I’ll have to think about it…okay you convinced me!” Kathleen Quinlan absolutely OWNS this role. If there’s any justice in this world she and William Fichtner will be beating high-paying roles off with a stick when this is over.

Back at the Panda Bay Hotel, which is a really funny name for a hotel in Miami, Self warns Michael that the cops are shooting tear gas everywhere, floor by floor. Michael spots something in a housekeeping cart and goes into a McGyvery daze, presumably having had a brilliant idea of some kind. Poor Linc, meanwhile, is as defeated as I’ve ever seen him look. “What kind of loser gets set up for two high-profile assassinations within five years?” I have some issues with that timeline, but the point is, awwww. Sorry I took so much joy in calling you a monosyllabic oaf, Linc. You’re probably an okay guy when people aren’t trying to murder and/or frame you.

Outside, an actual, still-employed, didn’t-fake-his-own-death Homeland Security guy shows up, and of course the cop he talks to is like “how many of you guys are they sending? Agent Self just came through here!” even though it would be completely reasonable, incredibly likely even, that they’d send more than one agent to the scene of a freaking assassination. But hey, plot’s gotta move forward, so now people are looking for Self in addition to the boys.

Wait, is this an expository monologue or an expository soliloquy? It’d be a soliloquy if I were alone, so yeah, monologue.”

Baldy monologues/exposits about how this is all going down exactly like Christina planned, it will start a war that will last for decades and she’ll get a zillion dollars for the solar-powered missiles India uses to blow China to pieces. And hey, if Scylla knows how to turn crappy water into potable water instantly, it stands to reason China could figure out how to do it the other way around and dehydrate an entire nation! Baldy loves power and money just as much as the next supervillain, but Christina is too stubborn to see that her plan will get out of control really quickly.

Meanwhile, at the hotel, Michael and Linc are sticking air freshener cans inside toilet paper rolls. As we all do from time to time. Baldy’s frizzy-haired minion – who, again, I guess I should have bothered learning these guys’ names – shows up, all smiles, which can’t be good, to talk to the loading dock door cop. Agent Hooks, the real HSA guy, corners Self as he’s wandering around a hallway and is like “so hey, I normally wouldn’t pull a gun out on you, but you’re supposed to be dead, and instead you’re loitering around a hotel with the guys who killed you.” Self, without missing a beat, is like, shhh, moron, I had to pretend to be dead for my cover, because Scofield and Burrows are being set up. After I take care of this we’ll go check my file and you’ll buy me a drink. This isn’t Hooks’ first barbecue though, so he’s like, nope, me and my gun want to clear it up now, thanks. Self knocks the gun out of the guy’s hand, which is something people are really good at on this show. A fight ensues, and Hooks kicks the shit out of Self. Self finds a knife on the floor and somehow manages to get Hooks to fall right on it like a damn Samurai. When Self goes back out to the loading dock, the cop is gone, and in his place is a pool of blood. So now someone else is in the hotel looking for the boys. We know, and they probably suspect, that it’s Baldy’s guy Frizzy.

Michael exposes the wires to one of the door locks and hotwires it open. Security sees that it’s been breached so the tear gas guys head straight up to the 16th floor, where Michael and Linc are waiting with their cool improvised “toilet paper rolls with air freshener inside, set on fire and sealed in a refrigerator” explosive device. The cops approach the refrigerator carefully, giving it just enough time to SPLODE ALL OVER THE PLACE. Security hears that something is amiss and run up after them, meeting up with the injured gas masked guys on the way down. But of course the gas masked guys are totally Michael and Linc! It doesn’t take long for the head cop guy to figure this out, but Frizzy is in the right place at the right time. He shoots the guy, then takes Michael and Linc back to the loft where Baldy can keep an eye on them.

“What, a guy can’t go SCUBA diving with his big brother in a hotel kitchen without having a gun pulled on him? Oh, excuse me, I thought this was AMERICA!”

So yay, everybody’s home! Mahone tells Michael that Sara is fine but Christina is gone. Baldy is a total dick, telling the boys to accept responsibility for their failure, which he doesn’t care was a well-orchestrated setup, perpetrated by a woman he thinks is the smartest smartypants ever, and which he totally fucking bought into all along. Ass. Michael thinks Baldy needs to accept that this is over. Baldy thinks Michael needs to accept that he wasn’t joking about those “I know where your wife/mom/kid is” photos he gave out when they first got to Miami. He literally picks Self’s name at random out of a bowl, then tells Frizzy to make the call. “Move on Target 4″ he tells an unseen operative, and in a really heartbreaking horrible speakerphone conversation we learn that Self’s wife isn’t dead, she’s in a coma because drunk Self crashed their car. And he wanted his Scylla money so he could keep her in a nice place. But the ever-classy General orders her hit right over the phone so Self – who’s been sobbing and offering his life in exchange – can actually hear the shot and ensuing panic before he smirkily hangs up. Ohhhh they better give you a satisfying death, you smug punk. Both of you. Don’t even have the balls to kill people’s 8-year-old children and brain-dead wives yourself, you have to do it over the phone, you piece of shit. Sorry, got a little carried away there. Self freaks out and lunges at Baldy, but takes a flying leap off the balcony before Frizzy can shoot him for it. He lands in the water though, so you know how I feel about the “not dead till I see a body” rule. Which I have been applying to Kellerman for all this time, and which technically worked for Sara too, since we never actually saw her body, but I digress. Get it, cause that’s pretty much all I do, is digress! Everyone else just stands around all stunned and silent.

Christina meets with the Prime Minister again to confirm the details: he gets the data within 24 hours, she gets 750 miiiillion dollars. I guess that’s the sort of cash that would make people think that setting their kids up for murder, twice, was a reasonable means to an awesome end. She’s not done though – she wants her guy to give China a call and ask them if they’re interested too. He advises against playing both sides of the coin. “Pigs get fat, and hogs get slaughtered.” He warns. “Nobody asked you, boy scout, now call freaking China before I strangle you with the belt on my lovely faux-snakeskin blazer,” she responds. I’m paraphrasing.

“Don’t you dare turn around and sell this exact same stuff to China right after I leave or so help me God I will sic this eyebrow on you.”

Mahone, who is always right about everything, has his game face back on. He’s betting Christina’s still in Miami, since her plan depends on exploiting the emotional impact of the assassination. It’s how she do. Christina Scofield: Exploiting emotions since 1977! Michael says she’s not going anywhere without her money – she’ll need to stick around for awhile since it’s probably an overseas bank transfer. T-Bag returns from his Self-check saying he’s nowhere to be found, and agrees that “she’s probably not accepting food stamps,” which I find hilarious. An overseas bank transaction would normally take 3 days, but a Federal Reserve bank would be able to confirm the transfer right away, so that’s where they’re headed. And hey, Mahone was right again! She’s at the bank, politely requesting to withdraw $10k from this account so she knows it’s active. She’s got Scylla right there with her, but they’re helpless – they can’t just run up and take it. So hey, what was that other thing Michael was good at, in addition to breaking out of prisons? FAKING BANK ROBBERIES! And like, okay, you know, I guess I could be annoyed that they’re so obviously paralleling the first season, but actually I just think it’s kind of cute that they’re bringing it back around like that. If the characters didn’t notice the irony, that would bother me, but they do. They’re just so freaking tired they can’t fully appreciate it. Also, it’s Mahone’s idea!

Let’s just take a moment here to reflect on how thoroughly awesome Mahone is, and how totally fantastic William Fichtner has been, and how completely smokin’ hot he looks in a suit. I don’t know how many more opportunities I’ll have, so there it is just in case.

It’s just a flesh wound. A little Neosporin will fix that right up.

On a beach somewhere, Self pulls himself out of the ocean. Some kids are fishing nearby and run off to call 911 when they see him, but he’s like “No really I’m fine! No need for an ambulance, I can set this compound fracture of my tibia myself, just grab the end of the bone shard and shove it right back into place, ta da, good as new!” Seriously though, I can’t imagine anything more painful and nightmarish than a compound fracture of a huge bone, except maybe a compound fracture of a huge bone SUBMERGED IN SALT WATER.

Heh. T-Bag: “You know, once Baby Brother’s got his hands on that magic box of yours, I don’t think it’s gonna be too hard for him to trick Magilla Gorilla if you know what I’m saying.” Baldy: “No, I don’t.” The point is, there’s no way they can guarantee Michael will bring Scylla back. They need leverage. And we all know what that means. Just when you thought poor Sara had a few minutes to eat some yogurt and watch Oprah! So yeah, T-Bag has been doing some sleuthing – he overheard Mahone tell Michael Sara’s okay, so he checked Mahone’s GPS for the last address he entered. Clever! Baldy is impressed so he sends him instead of Frizzy to do the honors, which is fucking terrifying, because oh right, T-Bag isn’t just eccentric hillbilly comic relief, he’s a goddamn pervert murderer with a bone or two to pick with the good doctor. This is why, when T-Bag refers to Sara as “Doctah Undapants” I want to laugh, but I’ll save it till I know she’s okay, then I’ll just call her that in my mind for the rest of the show. Poor thing, she’s clutching a knife and watching some smug dickhead on FOX News. See if you can suspend your disbelief enough to swallow that crazy notion! Anyway, T-Bag, accomplished serial killer that he is, is able to sneak up on her and scare the piss out of both of us. She alllmost gets away but not quite, and he’s got the knife now. He calls to let Baldy know he’s got her.

Please remember this image next time you are tempted to chuckle at “Doctah Undapants.”

So yeah, fake bank robbery goes pretty well, except for the part where Christina’s enormous security detail is waiting outside for them. A gunfight ensues, and Linc tells Michael and Mahone to grab Scylla and run. While they’re waiting for Linc to catch up, Baldy calls to check on their progress. Michael says they’re close, but Baldy is like, oh wait, one more thing, we have your girlfriend here and we’ve already fake-killed her once, so bring the magic box back, okie dokie? Wentworth Miller makes his super sad puppy face. Aww. And he doesn’t even know she’s got a tiny little steely-eyed engineer in her womb who’s in danger too! Before he can get ten seconds into this moral quandary, guess who’s got another one ready for him? It’s Mom of course! And hers isn’t just “give me Scylla or I’ll kill Linc,” it’s “I just shot Linc in the right lung and you have a few hours to think about giving me Scylla, during which time Linc’s lung will collapse, causing him to die a long, slow, horrifying death.” Damn. Check and mate, Mom.

So who will it be? Doctah Undapants or Magilla Gorilla? Why, neither, of course, but I look forward to seeing how he manages to save his brother, his Baby Momma AND the world all at the same time. It’s a tall order, but I think our boy can handle it. It’s the end of the road, guys, for reals! I’m optimistic about the finale, and I’m glad we can end these people’s suffering one way or another, but damn, I’m gonna miss these guys!