Recap: Prison Break: John D’Oh!

By Loula

Previously on Prison Break: A bunch of stuff. Much of it awesome. Some of it silly. But you don’t need me to tell you that! You know what show you’re watching!

To the recap!Michael and Linc are running. There’s a lot of running on this show. Kellerman leads the way out of the tunnel to his cool scary SUV waiting outside, and they speed off, Kellerman handily winning a pissing contest with a local cop to get past the roadblocks. Conversation, as you might imagine, is a bit awkward at first, especially when Linc, with the help of some blurry flashbacks, realizes he knows this Kellerman guy. Linc doesn’t even know the half of it, but it’s enough to make him go “LINC SMASH!” He grabs Kellerman’s gun and asks for one good reason why he shouldn’t blow his head off. Kellerman has a pretty good one: he knows where Steadman is.

A cop finds Mahone in the tunnel stairwell, shot but rather less dead than Kellerman had intended. I think all that undercover pie-eating he did with Sara, and I mean that literally, has made our boy a bit soft, which I do mean figuratively but not in the dirty way. I know you had some fugitives to surreptitiously cart off to an uncertain fate, but still, you have to see these things through! Two to the chest, one to the head! It’s the little things, Paul. By this time, Linc is still actually, literally snarling. Kellerman is patiently explaining that yes, he set up this entire thing and completely ruined his life and killed a bunch of people, but dude, it’s really unhealthy to dwell on these things. Let me lead you in the Serenity Prayer. He’s got a bullseye on his chest just like they do, the enemy of his enemy is his friend, if he wanted them dead they’d be dead, etc. It’s not like they have a better offer or anything. Michael goes “Tschh!” like the Dog Whisperer and Linc calms down. Michael is nothing if not Calm and Assertive.

This week at Fox River: Bellick is being taunted on the playground. A seriously large and scary dude calls him “fish,” which is funny, and also tries to set up a “protection in exchange for dessert” deal, which as it turns out is not a euphemism. Go figure. At dinner, he complies, but after the icky euphemisms do start flying, he smacks the guy in the face with a sock full of something heavy, you know, one of those improvised weapons you learn about on prison shows. He’s all pleased with himself until he finds out that the huge scary guy is BFFs with the night guards. The ones Bellick was a right bastard to, and gave them crappy shifts just to show everybody what a badass he is. So if Bellick’s cell door happens to accidentally open in the middle of the night, and if horrible things happen while they’re not looking, then hey, Mr. Badass can no doubt take care of it himself, can’t he? Mr. Badass looks like he is right at this moment losing control of his badass bladder. I hate it when they try to make me feel sorry for Bellick, but all I have to do is remind myself about Westmoreland’s cat and I’m totally on board for whatever nasty retribution Big Scary Guy has in mind.

T-Bag has made his way into Susan Hollander’s home, and while the whole mood is a bit “Muahaha!” for my taste, Robert Knepper totally sells it. I buy that he’s kind of unhinged at this point. I like how insulted and infuriated he gets with her for trying to sweet-talk him, because dammit, that’s HIS thing! When she spat at him through the glass like that at Fox River, he knew that that kind of passion could only come from a woman who still cares. So hey, bygones, right? Clean slate! She keeps reaching for a handgun she’s stashed in a drawer but he doesn’t take his eyes off her long enough for her to grab it.

Kellerman is such a Magnificent Bastard. Linc is mouthing off and he notes the “winning Burroughs personality, the one we knew would impress a jury. Good work!” Kim calls, all puffy and twitchy, and Kellerman just says he’s got it all under control, it’s a shame they lost Mahone to Lincoln’s bullet, but he’s on his way to bury the brothers now. Except Kim doesn’t want them buried, and also, Mahone’s not dead. Kellerman starts with “…” but recovers enough to tell Kim he’ll call him when they’re in the ground. Michael, amusingly, tells Kellerman they can trace his phone if he leaves it on, but he rolls his eyes and smarms “Secret Service. Untraceable. But thanks.” Unspoken: “Thanks, you insufferable whispery little boy scout, with your smartypants tattoo blueprints, ruining a perfectly good conspiracy.” Kellerman gets the boys a way nicer plane than Sucre had and they’re off to Terrence Steadman’s Super Secret Treehouse (No Girls Allowed!).

Okay, this week in C-Note land: DeDe isn’t sure if she believes her mom’s ever coming back, but Daddy promises. Whoops. Turns out Kacee got a hardass judge at her arraignment who denied bail even though she put the whole thing on her scary escaped con husband. This is a strategy C-Note nobly instructs Trey, who I guess is her brother, to use, and he’s all “Yeah, thanks for the permission, but done and done, jackass.” Trey is kind of over C-Note’s bullshit. It’s obvious that he’s torn, but damn, there’s only so much asshattery a brother (or brotha) can take before he’s going to want to throttle your punk ass. C-Note tries the noble thing one more time, offering to turn himself in, but Trey says no, Kacee says not to because then DeDe will have zero parents. She wouldn’t go in to a foster home unless all of her other living relatives are felons too, but fine, I’ll buy that the child custody laws in Prison Break County are different from those in our universe. C-Note really did get fucked over and his whole sentence was bullshit in the first place, so I do feel bad for him, and he looks genuinely horrified at how badly he’s fucked this up. But dude. If you’re saving your patsy brother’s life, you get some leeway, otherwise, suck it up and serve your time like all the other guys with bullshit sentences do. Or at least wait till you’re not front page news before you take your wife and kid on the run. So Kacee rots in jail for buying medicine and C-Note gets to be Mr. Mom in an RV for the foreseeable future. Good times!

Mahone wakes up in an Albuquerque hospital. A Faux Kellerman is updating Kim on his condition. Kim gets Mahone on the phone, all “So! Kellerman’s still breathing and you don’t seem to be dead, so back to work!” To which Mahone responds, essentially, “Ptthhbbt.” He’s over it. He’s also kind of delighted to inform Kim that it was his boy Kellerman who shot him, and that last he saw, he and the boys were skipping off to freedom together. Kim’s reaction is such that I am prompted to wonder if Secret Service phones, in addition to being untraceable, are equipped with spittle guards.

This Nike “Second Coming” ad, despite its shameful lack of Chris Paul glamour shots and the unforgivable absence of Allen Iverson, is so awesome that I have failed to fast-forward through it on more than one occasion. Those of you with DVRs understand how remarkable that is.

Steadman’s hideout. Fox News, complete with actual Fox News graphics and fonts and crawls, is telling Steadman the latest about Michael and Linc. We use the term “cabin fever” a lot colloquially, but Steadman is the real deal. Pacing around in a bathrobe, wide-eyed and manic, talking to himself, that sort of thing. And really, who wouldn’t go crazy stuck in a cabin with heavily armed thugs as your only companions and only Fox News to keep you entertained? He’s perfectly safe here, one of the heavily armed thugs reassures him, with the tender sincerity you’d expect from a heavily armed thug.

Kellerman 2.0 is hovering over Mahone’s hospital bed, like, can’t a secret government assassin convalesce in peace? Mahone’s not interested in finishing the job. “This isn’t a request,” Fake Kellerman menaces unconvincingly. “Well, this isn’t a negotiation.” Yeah, I’m glad he made it. There’s enough room for two Magnificent Bastards on this show. Mahone is done, he doesn’t care, they can tell whoever they want about Shales, he’s finished playing along. Faux Kellerman just stands there. Consider yourself lucky, Mahone, because the real Kellerman would have you face-first in a bathtub full of water and/or stuck in the bottom of a well by the time you finished that sentence.

T-Bag is just hanging out on the couch now, catching up with Susan. He’s looking at photo albums, and she’s looking like she’s about to throw up. He continues to emote creepily, and she continues to try to crawl out of her own skin, when the kids come home, all “Yay! Uncle Teddy!” Man, this is creepy. They’re genuinely excited to see him, and he’s all fatherly and charming, like the unholy spawn of Charles Manson and Andy Griffith.

Susan’s just standing there horrified as he hugs her little girl – she can’t say anything, but she knows where those hands, er, that hand, has been. Cree. Pee. Susan, understandably, has not told the kiddies why Uncle Teddy moved away, but her cover story works nicely with his, so it all works out. Uncle Teddy has been working on an oil rig offshore, which explains not only his missing hand but also his millions of dollars. Workers’ Comp plans always pay claims in blood-spattered 50-year-old cash! Union regulations. While he’s distracted with the kids Susan tries to casually stroll off but T-Bag grabs her in an awkward scary hug and talks about how all he wants to do is spend his new hand money on his favorite family. Aww.

Michael, Linc and Kellerman have landed in Montana and set out for Terrance’s cool playhouse. Meanwhile, Kim is just finding out they left in the first place, and where they’re headed. More spittle. A call comes in to Steadman’s: Evacuate! Security breach! Etc! Steadman’s all “But I’m wearing my jammies!” but Heavily Armed Thug #1 isn’t having it, and no, he’s not allowed to talk to his sister, cause she’s busy still existing and also being President. A car squeals up and they herd him outside but Kim says there’s no way their car got there that fast. He and I both figure out what’s going on, but he doesn’t say “Awesome!” out loud like I do.

Anyway, It’s Kellerman and Michael and Linc, and they nab Steadman without incident. Well, unless you count those guys Kellerman had to kill. But they were totally going to kill him first! They end up in a roadside motel. It’s really quite a pickle they’re in: you see, Linc’s supposed to be executed for killing the guy sitting over on the bed there in the corner, but they have no way to prove his identity. Kellerman is charmingly pleased with himself as he shoots down all of Michael’s ideas – all of Steadman’s past DNA records have been altered, his fingerprints have been burned off, his teeth were pulled out, cosmetic surgery, etc. This is where I go “But they could use mitochondrial DNA to show that he and President Bitchface have the same mother!” Then I remember that this is Prison Break, and half the fun is leaping over giant plotholes. Also, I should watch less Court TV. The plan is to lay low for a while, then head to DC. Michael thinks that’s a stupid, stupid idea. He has a way stupider one he’s saving for later. Kellerman says that yes, that’s where all their enemies are, but it’s also where Aldo’s people are, inside people who are their only chance to get Steadman to tell his story on the record.

Mahone gets a call from Pam. Cameron, their son, has had a suspiciously timed hit-and-run accident. His leg is broken. Mahone is like, “Oh right, all those threats to my family. Forgot about those.” Both Mahones are freaking right the hell out, but for slightly different reasons. He leaves the hospital Against Medical Advice and is hailing a cab when Poor Man’s Kellerman appears. “How’s your boy?” I guess it’s menacing, but not in a real Magnificent Bastard kind of way. Mahone is not amused. The dick-measuring contest that ensues has no clear winner, but Mahone’s got that whole “nothing left to lose” thing going for him so he gets my vote.

Hollander Family Time! They’re eating popcorn and making cute puns, which is an adorable and disturbing juxtaposition to the death grip T-Bag has on Susan’s arm every time she tries to leave the room. She finally spills her drink and runs off to get a towel, but Uncle Teddy is right behind her. She gets to the gun drawer, but whoops! No gun. Uncle Teddy really, really doesn’t like being played. He’s kind of frothing. The kids hear them arguing and Zach sneaks up and thwacks T-Bag in the head with a skateboard, but he recovers before they can make it out the door. Hollander Family Time will take place at gunpoint until they all learn to love each other. Uncle Teddy boards up the door from the inside. He had to learn carpentry on his own, he rants, on account of his daddy wasn’t around much when he was a kid. You don’t freaking say. Anyway, like all good families the Hollanders are tied to chairs, and can I just say that no television series in the history of the medium has had more people tied to chairs, held at gunpoint, or hit by cars. T-Bag says that dammit, they will be a family if it kills them.

Steadman and Kellerman get in to a pissing contest, the gist of which is: “You ran crying to your sister when you were indicted, you big baby!” “Oh yeah, well you lurrrrve her!” Steadman giggles that Kellerman asked President Bitchface to marry him, and Kellerman does not correct him. Dude. You can do so much better. At this point, for some reason, Linc remembers he has more stuff to snarl at Steadman about, like how he just stood there and watched Veronica die. He still has one of Kellerman’s guns and he holds it up at Steadman’s head. LINC ANGRY! Kellerman’s got his other gun on Linc. (So! Much! Gunpoint!) Michael’s all “Tschh! Down! We need this guy alive to save our lives. If he’s dead, he’s just a John Doe. This is not what you want to do. These aren’t the droids you’re looking for.” Linc backs off, annoyed that so many people are dead but this giggly bastard gets to live.

Later, the giggly bastard is staring dreamily at a painting of a little boy and girl. Kellerman’s ready to move out but Michael and his steely-eyed glare are worried about Linc in a car with Steadman. Kellerman’s like, well, control your damn pitbull brother so I can save our lives! Michael: “You still think you’re running the show, don’t you?” Uh, yeah, I’d say he pretty much is. Michael, for reasons I still don’t quite understand, but which almost certainly include just general petulance, calls a TV station, telling them where they are and that he wants to turn himself in. I guess he figures they can’t risk waiting to get to DC, what with Steadman being kind of a nutcase and Linc being a gun-toting pitbull. But still! Kellerman is displeased.

Mahone’s sitting in his car, in the dark, and calls Kim. He’s ready to work again. He’s so terribly, terribly sorry, and can the One World Conspiracy ever find it in its cold, black heart to forgive him? “So I take it you got my message?” Kim smarms. “Oh yeah. Loud and clear.” Mahone opens his trunk to reveal Not!Kellerman, who’s looking much less smug now that he’s got that giant bloody hole in his forehead. Magnificent.

Steadman’s freaking out. Please, he just wants to go back to his hidey hole. He grabs Linc’s gun and points it at them (more gunpoint!). Michael’s negotiation tactic: a whispery “We can’t let you do that, Terrence.” Kellerman’s: “Terrence, all we need is your mouth, I will shoot out both your knees right now.” Ha. Michael is still working the whisper angle, breathily telling him to do the right thing for once in his life. He’s already imprisoned, how many people have to die so he can live in a cabin in the woods? Steadman does some quick calculations in his head, and the answer is “Sorry. POW!” Steadman brains all over that pretty painting. I knew the little weasel was going to pull this crap. By now we can hear the sirens, and they’ve got a dead John Doe in their room, and yeah, great plan, Michael. The lights are close enough to flash on his formerly steely eyes, which are now all wide and shiny and terrified.

What did you think about this episode?