Damn, this was a good episode. It was also one of the meanest hours of television I’ve ever seen. If you saw it, my title alone probably caused you to squirm. If you didn’t watch the show, not only do you have no excuse, but you’re missing out on a great pun, suckers. For now, let’s just say that chopping off pinky toes with garden shears isn’t the dirtiest trick in Abruzzi’s book.
The show opened with a rather uncomfortable shower scene featuring T-Bags’ “Boy” who was begging Michael for help – naked. Unfortunately, Mr. Bag witnessed this quick discussion and launched into one of his high fallutin’ “Southern Gentleman” diatribes. He reminded Michael of the delicate position he was in and his “propensity to be gregarious.” Wow, quite a vocabulary for a so-called “retard” whose sister is also his mother. Michael tacitly accepted his position and silently walked away… Only to run into the Bagger’s prison bitch again. This time, the kid was on his knees begging Michael – err, maybe not the best description, since they were in the prison shower and all. But I must say, the wet look really works for Michael.More begging was going on up in the Warden’s office where Lincoln Burroughs was again asking to be allowed to somehow get in touch with his son. Riiiiiiight. Keep in mind that everyone except 4 people “know” that Lincoln murdered the VP’s brother. Also, remember that Lincoln’s son that he so badly would like to talk to is the lone fugitive suspect in the brutal murders of his mother and stepfather. Why would the warden (or anyone) give any sympathy to Lincoln in light of this?
The best part was when Lincoln nonchalantly asked the warden if he would “let him out” to find his son. Because, apparently, wardens can allow such things in times of “family emergencies.” Fortunately, the warden isn’t a complete simp and shut down the ridiculous request. Lincoln capitulated but did ask for the pillow menu again – the Persian goose feather down with silk case one he was sleeping on just wasn’t working out. Oh, and perhaps he could get Fiji water instead of that bland old Evian they keep forcing on him too. I mean, really!
Later, the escape boys were busily working on the guard break room trying to make it hospitable again after the fire. Or, more accurately, they were busily smashing the floor in an attempt to create a hole big enough to escape down into the underground pipes. In the process they were creating a bunch of crushed cement rocks and dust. Apparently Michael had watched “Shawshank” a few too many times as he determined that each guy had to carry out and slowly distribute the rock around the prison yard. Now, they were pretty much gutting the building – a little rock dust would have been ok to throw in the dumpster along with all the wallboard and other junk, no?
Too bad for Michael and his crew, Suge Knight also had cable and watched “Shawshank” one of two of the million times it was on TBS. Ok, it wasn’t really Suge Knight, but a large bearded black dude who witnessed Michael depositing the distinct white stone material of the building’s floor. (This was the same guy who secured Michael the necessary medicine to make his blood appear diabetic way back in the premier.) Uh-oh, looks like yet another prisoner was about to join the escape train.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention the weird music video look of the stone dumping scene. Each would be escapee was shown affecting a “cool guy” pose out in the yard as he coolly dropped the floor bits onto the ground. Even T-Bag, perhaps the most uncool prisoner EVER, was shown in a Buffalo stance (Neneh Cherry? Anyone? Anyone? I’m old) while dropping rocks to the hip beat. Needless to say, it was weird. Every now and then you can tell that Brett Ratner has his hand in this show after all.
Right after the music video portion of the show (Oh, “Baywatch,” you trendsetter, you) a bus arrived filled to the gills with new prisoners. At this sight, T-Bag licked his lips and muttered, “Freshmen…” Of course, T-Bag should have been looking for a new recruit because his current boytoy was busy hanging himself at that very moment. Note to self: Do NOT become T-Bag’s salad tosser. Life expectancy: 1 week.
After a heart to heart in church between Michael and Lincoln about how Michael felt responsible for little fake Thom Yorke’s untimely suicide, we were whisked to the cover of Wilco’s seminal album, “Yankee Hotel Foxtrot.” And there was Lincoln’s hunted son, LJ, quietly sleeping outside on the street. Having been to downtown Chicago at that very spot, I can attest to the politeness of the town’s transient population. Seriously, maybe it’s a Midwestern thing – the bums in Chi-Town are genial and downright friendly. God forbid one of them ever hitch a train to Philly or New York or Hartford. They’d be eaten alive.
While LJ was on the run playing street urchin, Veronica and Nick were on the run playing Unabomber. Hidden away at Nick’s father’s cabin hideaway, Veronica stumbled upon some guns. Even after all the crap these two have been through, Veronica was still leery of Nick’s intentions and said so. Nick FINALLY had had enough of her shit and ripped into her, explaining that, um, HELLO! He’s been nearly killed because of her stupid ass ex-boyfriend that he’s oh-so graciously trying to help – pro bono, no less. Phew, I’ve been waiting for that outburst for a couple months now. Veronica saw the error of her ways and apologized and agreed to move on. Since the world thought they were both dead (the world being, apparently, unable to discern one rather large male corpse versus two rather small Nick and Veronica corpses) they figured they’d be able to roam freely about Chicago, continuing their noble quest. They figured they’d start with Leslie Steadman, widow of the VP’s brother who started this whole mess. Now why didn’t they think of that weeks ago? (Nick and Veronica ambushed the widow Steadman and learned that there were tons of people with motives to murder her husband. This storyline is a bit slow and annoying, but I think it’s finally getting somewhere.)
The action continued up at Fox River Prison where one of the “freshmen” was doing his best to fit in. Apparently he thought he was back at his suburban high school in Minnetonka, as he had no issue with approaching the local Black Panther chapter and dropping his best Ebonics. Taking pity on the Eminem wannabe, the rather large dude he approached simply told him to, “Roll, fool.” The dopey kid responded, “Ok, I’ll bounce.” Rolling, bouncing… Who knew the mythical “urban street” was so into rhythmic gymnastics? I’ll be sure to bring my ribbon and ball next time I hit up one of 50 Cent’s parties – I do live pretty close to him after all.
T-Bag witnessed the whole fiasco and offered some fatherly guidance – just like any dude trying to get in someone’s pants. (Ew, I feel icky for typing that just now.) He schooled the kid on his racist ways while hiding his gay rapist tendencies. Perhaps we should call him, “T-Mixed-Bag.”
Meanwhile, mobster Abruzzi was learning about some troubles of his own. Bellick let him know that the illicit money being transferred into his personal account had stopped coming. Aha, that explains how Abruzzi gets the preferential treatment – finally, the show explains one of the seeming impossibilities. It turns out that Abruzzi’s lawyer, Philly Falzone, was dropping the ball and not holding up his end of the bargain. No problem, Abruzzi would simply call him up, throw his mobster weight around, and take care of the issue. Too bad Philly hung up on him when he called. That’s a problem.
If that weren’t enough, the Michael/Lincoln/Sucre/T-Bag and Abruzzi fire repair work detail was suddenly interrupted by a guard. “Get out now,” he demanded. Uh-oh, perhaps the gig was up? They were barely able to cover up their hole in the floor before the guard surprised them and now they were nervous. And they had a right to be – this was the same guard who was seen cavorting with the warden’s secretary several episodes ago and it turns out his charms did their trick. Yup, that ol’ Jungle Fever overtook the poor dear and she happily spread her legs for the guard. Because prison guards are sooooooo desirable.
The Fab Five stood and awaited their fate. Upon seeing the guard leave with the now JBF-haired secretary, the guys breathed a collective sigh of relief. Sucre asked, “Do you think he found the hole?” Har dee har har, buddy. Leave the jokes up to me. (Although that was a pretty good one.) After this close call, Abruzzi met with a new lawyer and found out that Philly Falzone (not sure why, but that name just makes me hungry for some reason… Like it’s a new offering at Dominos or something) had more or less stolen all of his money, using his “Power of Attorney” privilege. Abruzzi close-talked yet another person as he seethed about his predicament. If you can’t trust a mob-tied lawyer in a shiny suit, who can you trust these days?
You certainly can’t trust doctors, because they’re always sneaking around behind your back. That’s exactly what Dr. Tancredi was up to, contacting Michael’s insurance company. She said the right things and got the rep to say that he’d met his deductible, but via psychological exams rather than medical. Hmmmmmm… I actually hope they delve further into fascinating world of insurance. I could really get behind that storyline. (Sorry, inside joke.)
Lincoln was still all torn up about his son’s predicament. During feeding time, he grabbed the guard’s hand and began pleading with him about the situation. Again, as far as the guard knows, a murdering felon is aggressively grabbing his wrist through a hole in the door and asking him if he could break the rules of prison and logic to allow him to somehow call his son, who is currently being hunted by the law for the cold-blooded murder of two people. Now why would the guard (or anyone at the prison) entertain his whining? Oh, that’s right, because it’s a silly TV show… Sometimes I forget that.
In light of that, Lincoln was allowed out of his cell to access a payphone and call his son. LJ was still alive and apparently gearing up for a Phish show. Nappy scraggly hair, dirty clothes, sleep deprived, hungry, barefoot – dude, Trey, why did you break up the band, maaaaaan? LJ answered his cell and had a harried conversation with his dad. Then, immediately out of nowhere, the evil Secret Service guys appeared and Agent Kellerman started chasing LJ on foot. It’s nice that Chicago is such a small city, allowing the agents to get from point A to point B in a flash.
LJ eluded Kellerman and made it to a parking lot and hid under a car. Then, being the big bully (who wantonly murders innocents) that he is, Kellerman started turning the screws. “Why don’t you ask your mom for help? Oh, I’m sorry; you might have trouble getting an answer out of her right now.” Wow, sarcastic and incredibly mean! Kellerman, let’s do lunch when all this is over, k?
LJ was able to escape for the time being – but back at the prison, Abruzzi was having difficulties escaping the long arm of the mob. The higher ups had declared Abruzzi dead to them and had appointed some fat little man as the new boss on the inside. (This was all because Abruzzi had been unable to get the info about Fibanacci’s whereabouts from Michael, remember.) I think the new guy’s name is Jellywad. Even if it’s not, that’s what I heard and that’s how he shall now be known. Maybe it’s Jellywop, but that may be a little too, y’know, offensive or something.
And the new object of T-Bag’s desire, Tweener, was also having difficulties fitting in. Though I’m sure the Bagger would have no difficulties “fitting in” to Tweener, if you know what I mean. Actually, Tweener wasn’t such a wuss and stood up to the Bagman. “You homo,” he yelled, “You come near me again and I’m gonna kill you!” Bravo for Tweener! And bravo for Michael for stepping up and telling T-Bag to leave the kid alone. It’s almost like Michael has some sort of complex that forces him to help those in need…
Wow, I’m good. It turns out, that’s exactly what Michael is “afflicted” with. Dr. Tancredi dolled herself up for a night out on the town and paid a visit to Michael’s psychiatrist. Man, Tancredi is pretty hot – but perhaps it’s just relative to having to look at the Abruzzi and T-Bag, not to mention the wholly disturbing caved in cheek of Veronica. Tancredi learned that Michael is not only a “rescuer,” but also a genius. This caused the doctor to lean back, smile, and moan, “Mmmmmmm, smart AND sexy!” Like all men, the psychiatrist thought she was talking about him, so he leapt across his desk and thrust his tongue into Tancredi’s mouth. Oh… Wait… That was what I did in my mind. Nevermind.
LJ, now hidden in another part of the Windy City, placed a call to Veronica at the cabin. Then, just as before, the Secret Service Wunderduo appeared just down the street. Turns out, they were listening and honing in on the cell conversation via the sweetest “Pimp My Ride” navigation/DVD/spy dashboard system EVER. Instead of chasing down and attempting to kill the LJ in the midst of the bustling city center again, they merely listened to the call and noted the location of Nick and Veronica – Lake Mercer down near the Iowa border. “Ehh,” Agent Kellerman sighed, “Living in a crappy cabin down on the Iowa border? That’s a fate worse than death, let’s leave ‘em be.”
By now you’re wondering what the hell I was talking about regarding the recap title. Well, here it is – that night, Abruzzi found himself alone with a light bulb and Jellywad. He held the bulb above his head and said, “I have an idea!” He didn’t really, but that would have been pretty funny. What he DID do was break the bulb and summarily place the jagged broken glass edge over Jellywad’s eye. Wow, that’s badASS. He then pinned the fat man and slowly screwed the broken bulb into the socket – the EYE socket. Let’s just say, Jellywad, ahem, saw the light. Abruzzi was still in charge, Philly Falzone be damned.
Wow. That was awesome. Also getting screwed, LJ boarded the bus for Lake Mercer – just before (of course) the Secret Service. With guns drawn, they boarded the bus and then entered the bathroom where LJ was hiding out. Aha! I just did what show did! It’s called “Misdirection” and you learn about it in TV Writing 101. Anyway, LJ wasn’t there but his cell phone was – his cell phone with the picture of Kellerman he’d snapped and emailed to his MySpace earlier. While Kellerman was looking like an idiot, LJ was happily meeting up with Nick and Veronica at some other godforsaken town – perhaps on the Kentucky border… *shudder*…
Finally, back up at Fox River, Lincoln got some confirmation that LJ was alive and relatively safe while T-Bag got nailed. No, no, Tweener hadn’t given in – Michael cracked him with a pipe across his knee and told him not to mess with the kid anymore. Now that Bagsy was in deep with the escape plans, Michael rightly assumed he’d no longer squeal on the plans. Advantage: Michael.
This allowed Tweener to talk some shit to T-Bag out in the yard and get away with it. Great, a cocky little wannabe prick on a FOX TV show. Wasn’t one Ryan Seacrest enough? In the final scene, Michael and his crew witnessed a new work detail heading off to fix up the burned out break room. The new group was headed up by none other than Jellywad, thanks to the illicit Jellywad – mob – Philly Falzone – Bellick – slushfund connection. Damn.