The subtitle of this recap, if one existed, would be, “The Kindler, Gentler Prison Break. There was only one murder, no suggested prison rapes, no forced eyeball removal, no lopping off digits… No, instead we saw love budding all around; from Michael and Dr. Tancredi to Nick and LJ to Philly Falzone and Abruzzi to Lincoln and blueberry pancakes. Oh yeah, we did have a nasty broken finger – but he TOTALLY deserved it.
Lest you think this love fest made for a boring or cheesy episode, I assure you it did not. It was another solid humdinger of a show – seriously, you people should all be watching this show.It opened with a desperate Abruzzi playing solitaire out in the prison yard. You see, now that Philly Falzone (mmmmm, with melted cheese and mushrooms) declared Abruzzi dead to him, all his friends had abandoned the poor mobster. So he’s forced to play solitaire. And here I thought lonely prisoners merely masturbated all day long.
Abruzzi confronted guard Bellick again, begging him to give him another chance. Too bad – Bellick is as dirty as they come and since Philly is paying Bellick dirty money, no dice. Falzone’s money is what keeps Bellick working at the prison, and he’s beholden to his whims. So Abruzzi hit up Michael again for the info that would set this mess straight again – the whereabouts of informant Fibonacci. If he would only give up this info, Falzone would be happy, Bellick would get paid, and they could get their escape plans back on track. Eh… me? I’d still be masturbating all day.
Abruzzi actually made some sense, so Michael turned to the sage advice of his older death row brother, Lincoln. We finally got why Fibonacci is so important to Abruzzi and his friends; he witnessed a double murder and was prepared to testify against the mob. His testimony would put some powerful people away for a very long time – and we all know the mob isn’t too keen on that idea.
In other words, Fibonacci was an innocent man who did the right thing who will be killed if Michael gives up the info. As Michael said to Lincoln, “If you are to live… A good man has to die.” Um, Michael, you are equally indirectly responsible for the deaths of Lincoln’s ex-wife, her husband, that Laticia lady, the apartment super, Bob the guard, fake Thom Yorke sex slave kid, T-Bag’s first sex slave, and nearly Lincoln’s son plus Veronica and Nick. At this point, who the hell cares about some fat Italian guy in Topeka? Oops, I hope Philly Falzone doesn’t read TVgasm!
Out in the free world, the evil Secret Service agents were stewing in some empty downtown office building. vicepresident thirtysomething called and confirmed their whereabouts, telling them to await her “Friend the problem solver.” Oh please, please, please tell me it’s Harvey Keitel, reviving his role from all those movies! Before we found out, the wimpier, quieter, less murdertastic agent was showing his hand – he was having regrets about this whole thing because they had gotten “in so deep.” Kellerman responded, “Keep talking like that and I’ll put a bullet in your head.” Perhaps this “problem solver” could work out the tension between these two… I mean, sheesh, get Kellerman in some “Workplace Relationship Remediation” class down at HR or something.
Back at prison, the new work detail was getting closer to finding the hole in the floor, Lincoln was rejecting the form to request his last meal, and Suge Knight was making his move. He called over Jellywad, the guy who got his eye removed with the light bulb last week. [Household hint: If a bulb ever breaks and is still screwed in - don't try to remove it with your hand! Simply grab a potato, jam it onto the shards, and then twist out! Up next, how to bandage your bloody hand after you try to remove the bulb without the potato.]
“Hey, ‘I-tie’,” Suge called. I thought for a second he was making fun of his lack of one ‘eye’ somehow, but then I realized it was a semi-derogatory term for a gentleman of Italian descent. This became clear as Jellywad referred to the gentleman of African descent as, “Rughead.” Is it fair to call a black dude “Rughead” if he’s bald? I mean, as far as racial epithets go, that’s pretty stupid, right? Anyway, Suge wanted a job with the current work group because he figured Michael’s group was digging out through the building and he wanted to be part of it. He agreed to pay the Guinea WOP $150 bucks a week and that was that.
Michael approached Abruzzi and agreed to spill the beans to Philly Falzone (mmmmm, with peppers and onions) but only if he could meet with him personally. Abruzzi appeared to be very nervous about that idea, but he simply had to agree. After that was set up, Michael called a phone number from a forearm tattoo and had a very cryptic conversation.
Judging by who he was talking to, I thought the tattoo artist inked the wrong number on his arm. Like Michael went out clubbing the night before his big tattoo day and got some hootchie’s number, wrote it on a piece of paper, and then accidentally gave the tattoo artist the wrong one. What I’m trying to say is, the woman who spoke with Michael was some fine ass Latina. Annnnnnd, repeat after me… “Everybody loves a spicy Latina!” There, I’ve finally killed that joke/reference. It is hereby officially retired. Michael simply told her to, “Do that thing about that Fibonacci thing” and that was that.
Next, we had a series of touching Daddy moments. Dr. Tancredi lamented to Michael that her father was an absentee meanie. In the woods, Nick tried to comfort young LJ by offering up a nice man-hug and saying empty things like, “LJ, I know what you’re going through.” Um, really Nick? YOUR dad is scheduled to DIE in a couple weeks? YOU just watched YOUR mom and step dad get ruthlessly MURDERED by some scary guys in suits? YOU are now the only suspect in those murders? Turns out, LJ is a bit less cynical than I am (kinda like 99.9% of the world) and ate up Nick’s paternal patronizing. And then there was Suge Knight, who found the hole in the floor, held the concrete dust in his hand, smiled a knowing smile and said, “Who’s your Daddy now?” He didn’t really say that, but he should have, and I had a theme going and wanted to continue it. So there.
Meanwhile, the “helper” showed up downtown to meet the Secret Service Agents. Damn, itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s not Harvey Keitel… He introduced himself as Quinn and had the appearance and persona of a regular ol’ schlub winding down at the bar at Friday’s after an all day sales conference. He nonchalantly sat down and coolly explained to the boys how Nick, Veronica, and LJ were all alive and well and that their lying to the VP about it wasn’t the smartest thing they’ve ever done. Quinn would now be their “Supervisor,” so to speak. Kellerman the prick laughed off Quinn and sarcastically thanked Quinn for his time and – POW! TWIST! BLAM!
Before he knew it, Kellerman was lying on his back staring at a rather nastily broken finger. Oh snap! (Heh-hehÃ¢â‚¬Â¦Ã¢â‚¬?snap.Ã¢â‚¬?) He merely apologized for the “Broken middle phalanx” and explained that the boys were now “off the job.” The decision was not the VP’s or the government’s, but rather that of, “The Company.” Oooooh, sketchy AND scary. One could guess that “The Company” is somehow related to the Oil cabals and/or the more eco-friendly fuel company run by the VP’s murdered brother. Sexy!
In fact, out in the woods, Veronica was scouring the ‘Net for more info on EcoFuels. They received a half billion dollar contract from the government but nowhere could she justify that expenditure. Hmmm, but really, I don’t see why they’d be all worked up about that. Oh wait, that’s right, EcoFuels is not connected to Halliburton – so something is definitely fishy!
Philly Falzone arrived at Fox River Prison and met with Michael and Abruzzi. (Is that allowed? Two cons meeting one mobster at the same time?) Showing off his big brain to Michael, Falzone laid down the law: “You get elliptical with me for one second, you’re canceled.” Wow, rather impressive for a mobster. Those Gotti kids better start paying attention a bit more in school if they ever hope to reach Falzone’s level.
Anyway, Michael spouted a rather unelliptical (shall we say, rhomboid?) explanation of how he came to know the exact location of Fibonacci. Michael even had the balls (which are actually rather elliptical in shape) to demand $200K from Falzone – a quid pro quo situation if you will. Ha! Abruzzi whipped out a picture of Veronica and explained, “You got your people watching ours and we got our people watching yours.” Damn.
“You touch her, I will kill you myself,” seethed Michael. Tough (yet eloquent) guy Philly then called Michael a gnat. Huh, I’d think he’d have busted out the Drosophila melanogaster insults, but I can’t have it all. And besides, Falzone was pissed off at this point so we couldn’t expect too much. So pissed off, in fact, that he sufficiently scared Fibonacci’s address out of Michael. He was in the Witness Protection Program up in Thunder Bay, Ontario. At that, Falzone smiled at Abruzzi and said, “Thunder Bay, huh? I wonder if Racki is still playing for the Bombers up there. And where the hell IS that talented Dean Youngblood these days anyway?”
After a scene in which Kellerman chastised vicepresident thirtysomething for calling in the goon squad, and after a sentimental little vignette where we learned Lincoln used to make blueberry pancakes for LJ back in the day, we watched as Quinn did his Nice Guy act again – this time for Sebastian, Veronica’s recently ex-fiancÃƒÂ©. The guy is good, I’ll give him that. With perfectly loosened tie and puppy dog eyes, he got Sebastian to buy his story and allow him into his apartment.
Quinn pretended he was from some insurance company investigating the bomb blast at her apartment. He couldn’t find Veronica so figured he’d pay a visit to Sebastian in the hope that he’d know of her whereabouts. He didn’t, of course, because she dumped his bitchy ass a couple weeks ago, but he’d help. So they logged on to his computer and attempted to IM Veronica. “Hi! Where R U?” She refused to say, only telling him that she was fine.
Oh, Sebastian, you could have tried harder than that! Oh, wait, no he couldn’t. Quinn had done his dirty work and Seb’s dead, baby. It was Quinn IM’ing Veronica and little did she know, Quinn had one of those amazing new gadgets that somehow hones in on an IM and pinpoints where it was generated from on a handy-dandy Illinois county map. Cool! Now I can finally track you down, “sg_dubfan_1″ and see if you’re telling the truth about your ability to do that thing with that thing! See you soon! J/k! ROTFLMAO! ; )
Up in Canada, Philly Falzone was aboot to murder Fibonacci and his family, eh. “Tony, we are gonna hurt him and his family like he hurt ours.” Then they crept oot of their cars and just as they were aboot to bust in the door, they were surroonded by the mounties. Busted, eh!
At that point, as I mentioned earlier, we saw Fibonacci enjoying his Sunday paper in Topeka, Kansas – nowhere near Thunder Bay, of course. Hoo boy, Abruzzi isn’t going to like this turn of events. He learned about the double-cross and immediately confronted Michael. And man, was he pissed off. Michael, mincing in his bunk sheepishly asked, “And you do you feel about all that?”
Abruzzi looked like he was about to punch the crap out of Michael and said, “Pretty darn good!” Wha wha whaaaa?! Yes, it was all a devious plan of Michael’s – the fake argument with Abruzzi, the picture of Veronica, the fake address and set up in Canada – and Abruzzi was complicit. Not only that, but Falzone had deposited the bribe money into Bellick’s account prior to his road trip up north, so they were back on the work detail. Life was good again.
So good, Michael decided it was time to step up the flirtations with the lovely Dr. Tancredi. While visiting her for his shot, she lamented her relationship with her father again. Referring to some flowers he had sent her that were now in the garbage, she said, “I don’t like to get attached to things that won’t last.” So cool, so coy. Michael was trying to cheer her up but she simply wasn’t having it. But then, after he whisked out the door, she noticed he’d left her a flower. She smiled a sweet little smile but I couldn’t help but remembering way back 20 seconds when she explained why she hates getting flowers. Yup, there’s that cynicism again, sorry.
In the final prison scene, Suge Knight was up in Michael’s grill telling him to add him to the work detail since he knew about the hole they were digging. “Darwin lives inside these walls, not Einstein.” Goddamnit, this is the most educated prison population since, since, oh don’t go there… Don’t do it… Since the Japanese-American internment camps back in the 40′s. Damn, that’s harsh (and doesn’t really make any sense either). Suge had to leave Michael’s side but promised he’d be revisiting the situation.
And indeed he would be. Later, while the boys were dreaming of where they’d escape to, Suge showed up and said he was joining their efforts. “Concrete is my specialty, can you dig it?” Ok, ok, this is getting ridiculous. Big words, good acting skills, and famous men of science I can accept… But double-pun witticisms? No. No way. Not in prison, I’m sorry. (Well, not until B-Side goes all psycho at his jury duty this week, punches out a guard or two, strips nude, eats a small child, and gets sent to the big house all because he can’t get to his recaps – THEN maybe double pun witticisms will exist in a prison.)
Finally, up at the cabin, Nick was putting 2 and 2 together as vicepresident thirtysomething was announcing her candidacy for President on the television. Aha, he thought, perhaps that missing half billion dollars was used to funnel funds into her campaign war chest? Unfortunately, as they were finally starting to unravel some of the mysteries surrounding the far-reaching plot, Quinn appeared in the woods behind the cabin, gun drawn.
Come all without, come all within,
You’ll not see nothing like the mighty Quinn.
Quite simply, the dude is badass.