Recap: Prison Break: Train of Fools

This week on Prison Break, we’re reminded right off the bat that several different kinds of shit are poised to hit the fan. For example, before he was Michael’s best pal, Kellerman worked Dr. Sara over, and not in the good way, and only her stainless steel balls kept her from a watery, porcelain, claw-footed grave. T-Bag is teaching his family how to love him again. At gunpoint. Bellick and Mahone have struck up a partnership. Not to mention that Sara, who finally connected with and batted her eyelashes at Michael over the phone, is about to meet Michael’s new friend, Not!Gay Not!Lance the Torture-Proficient Not!Addict. Also phone flirting? Kellerman. With President Bitchface! Dunnn!2.16 “Chicago.” Dr. Sara steps off of a train in Evansville Indiana. Life on the lam looks good on you, Doc! Michael’s hovering around the station. As he sees her, his steely eyes soften and his eyebrows float up to an appropriate human distance north of his brow bone. He looks genuinely relieved to see her. He probably feels pretty bad about the whole wacky misunderstanding which resulted in her entire life crumbling to bits all around her in a matter of days. D’oh. Anyway, they hug like they mean it, and there are actual smiles and everything. Meanwhile, Kellerman gets another call from his girlfriend President Bitchface. “It’s funny how you only call me when you need me,” he snits, and all of a sudden I totally buy that he really did at one point luuurrrrve her. Again, this is almost certainly Paul Adelstein’s fault. He’s all scruffy, which is TV shorthand for “loose cannon!” so I don’t know what to make of it, but it could very easily be a red herring. She’s speaking in Chicago tonight, she says, just bring the oaf and the smartass down there and everything will be back the way it was. He just says he has to go and hangs up. He’s twitchy and conflicted.

Sara shows Michael the key that fell out of her dad’s pocket as they were taking him down from his not!suicide. She doesn’t recognize the insignia and neither does Michael, but he glances at Kellerman and tells her they have someone working with them now. Awkward! The music goes “dunnn!!” for us in case we haven’t done so in our heads, which of course I have. Sara just stares at him, mouth agape.

I am sorry to have to tell you that T-Bag is spooning in bed with Susan Hollander. He kisses her and asks her how she slept. Oh, she probably dreamed about lots of crying and throwing up, but that’s just a guess. T-Bag: “Tell you what. I’ll go unlock the kids and make us all breakfast.” Ha! There’s a family man for you.

She doesn’t want him getting the kids, and he waves around the big knife he’s kept next to the bed, mostly just to remind her who’s boss, and make a big show of cutting her restraints. This can’t work, she says – the Welcome Wagon lady is coming today and if no one answers she’ll know something’s wrong. Plus, she tries, what if Welcome Wagon Lady recognizes Teddy Bear? Susan wouldn’t want him getting in to trouble. “No trouble at all!” he says, shoving her handgun in to his waistband and going off to wake the kiddies.

Sara, Linc and Michael approach Kellerman at the train station, and he says “Hello, Sara. What’s done is done, we all want the same thing nnrrrghghhgrrrhhh” That last part is because Michael grabs him by the neck and pins him against the wall. Cool! Swoon! Angry Michael is dreamy.

Kellerman is sorry! He was just scaring her! You know, by killing her! Finally he convinces Michael that they need him and he knows it. Sara disagrees. They have the key, they can find out what it’s for, but Kellerman can tell them right now: it’s a private cigar bar in Chicago. Damn, writers! See, it’s totally plausible cause that’s where the whole thing started and it’s where Sara’s dad worked, but it would also fit perfectly with President Bitchface’s plan! Oh Kellerman, your scruffy, smirky, gum-chewing Magnificent Bastarditude confuses and fascinates me.

Haywire is telling Larry the dog that they have to get out of there because he did a bad thing. Aw. Poor crazy person. Mahone’s barking orders from his Fugitive Map, but he’s interrupted by Wheeler, with the news that Haywire killed a guy last night. Wheeler does not mention that the guy in question was a pervert douchebag, but personally I think that’s relevant information. Mahone’s like, yeah, send some people. Wheeler says he’ll notify HQ. Mahone: “Are you not following direct orders?” Wheeler: “Not from you.” Ooh, snap. Internal Affairs wants him to run all of Mahone’s orders by HQ first. This might interfere with the whole “secret government assassin working off blackmail” aspect of his job description. Kim calls, all “so hey, the crazy one, why’s he not dead yet?” Mahone is tired and annoyed. I really do love Mahone. He really, really doesn’t understand why they can’t just bring Haywire back in alive – the poor guy obviously doesn’t know what the hell is going on around him. Kim doesn’t want to take the risk. He also sort of pointedly and cryptically tells Mahone not to worry about Linc and Michael for now.

Kellerman, using his magic multi-agency badge and his world-class, government-trained bullying skills, worms his way on to a Chicago-bound train with Michael. He’s transporting a fugitive, he explains, and maybe it would be best if they had an entire car to themselves. The conductor, if that’s what they still call him, you know, the ticket taking guy, agrees. Once they’re in their nice private car he whistles for Linc and Sara to join them for the Most! Awkward! Train Ride! Ever! Kellerman’s smirking in Sara’s general direction, and I am going to jail in hell for thinking it’s kind of hot. Sara’s really taking this whole thing like a champ, honestly. I guess you tend to take these things in stride when you’ve narrowly avoided death as many times as she has this season. Well, either that, or she’s positively boiling just beneath the surface, and at any moment the teakettle could go “Phooooot!!!” One or the other.

Mahone’s back to visit Bellick, who still hasn’t been moved to Ad Seg and isn’t happy about it. Mahone has a better offer, like acquittal. So many constitutional violations in his prosecution! Which, yeah, hilarious though it is, Bellick’s conviction is pretty much bullshit. In this universe, I mean. Things are different in Prison Break County. All the papers are on all the right desks, says Mahone, they just need to be rubber stamped, and ta da! Freedom.

Bellick tracked down Michael through Nika, right? And he found T-Bag through Susan Hollander? All Mahone needs is a junkyard dog who’s willing to do the ugly things it takes to bring a con to justice. Ha! He’s so in the right place. Bellick is the junkyardiest of junkyard dogs. “Are you my dog, Brad?” Ha! “Damn hell yeah I am.” Note to self: work “damn hell yeah” in to conversation as much as possible.

The Most Oblivious Welcome Wagon Lady In The History Of Ever is finding T-Bag’s gourmet brunch and Southern anecdotes positively delightful. He makes a one-armed bandit joke, and I’m sort of astonished I hadn’t made one yet. Zack’s been making big significant eyes at the door, but Susan’s been making “Bad idea!!” eyes back at him. Suddenly he asks Mrs. Wallace if she’d like to go to the garage with him to see his new bike! Uncle Teddy grabs him by the arm and tells him it’s rude to leave the table when they have company. To really emphasize the importance of table etiquette, he flashes Zach the gun in his waistband. “Without a strong father figure, a young man might just end up in prison,” T-Bag explains, ducking anvils.

Linc and Kellerman are napping, and Sara is flashing back to her whole history with NotLance the NotGay NotAddict. At first it’s all pie and narcotics, but it degrades quickly in to water torture. And yeah, it’s pretty scary. She asks Michael to see if he can find her some water downstairs where the restrooms are. Once he’s out of sight, she strolls by Kellerman, who says “It wasn’t personal, Sara. War never is.” She rolls her eyes and hisses, “Yeah.” Then she grasps the leather cord she keeps the key on, pulls it taut, and totally garrotes Kellerman from behind, ninja style! Awesome!

Wow, she is serious, too, snarling and everything. Linc wakes up just as Michael gets back and they pull her off him. She’s so tiny and angry! She’s fighting and kicking and grunting, and right on, Dr. Sara. Don’t fuck with the Doc, people, she’s had a rough couple of weeks.

Kellerman recovers a little and freaks me right the fuck out by lunging at her with his gun drawn. Linc and his bulk stop him from getting too close, but he’s sputtering “you get ONE of those!” Which, at least he realizes he had that one coming. Anyway, just then there’s a knock on the door. Conductor guy, who incidentally looks like he’s about 14, says that some kids in the next car saw what they thought was a fight, and does he need to call the police? Kellerman bitchily tells him that no, he should do exactly what he told him to do, which is to leave him the hell alone and everybody mind their own damn business. He turns back toward Sara et al and says “Just so we’re all clear, if she tries that one more time…” “you’ll do what?” Angry Michael hisses. Linc just tells Kellerman to stay on his side of the playground. Sara gets up to follow Official Girl Protocol For Overwhelming Situations, by which I mean she locks herself in the ladies’ room, but not before she gets in a nice “It wasn’t personal, Paul.” Heh. Kellerman grins at her, and it’s kind of evil, but it also kind of looks like he might be genuinely tickled by her. More than you bargained for, eh, big boy? She’s got spunk, that one!

Bellick strolls right out of Fox River where a very shiny very blue pickup truck is waiting for him. On the passenger seat is a supercool secret agent manila file with his name on it. There’s also some cash, a handgun, and an FBI badge. Lord help us. He proudly places his badge on the dashboard and speeds off to do Mahone’s bidding.

At the Hollander household, The Least Observant Welcome Wagon Lady In The Universe is taking her leave. T-Bag’s all “y’all come back now, ya hear?” but as soon as the door closes his affected Southern charm just dissolves. “This isn’t going to work,” he says, but before any of us can get too relieved, he clarifies: they’re just going to have to pack up and move. Susan has a look of horror on her face, part “Holy crap, this delusional psychopath is never going to leave my family alone;” part “But I just freaking moved! I hate packing!”

Cut to T-Bag driving his new, reluctant family around in a station wagon, happily listening to what google tells me is “Give Me Just a Little More Time” by The Chairmen of the Board (peak Billboard position: #2 in 1970), and I really hope the Chairmen of the Board invested their “Give Me Just a Little More Time” money wisely.

So, okay. In C-Note news this week: He and Dede are sitting at a diner, listening to the same song as the Hollanders, which I guess means they’re in Kansas now too? He’s trying to do cute Daddy things to make her maybe not hate him for putting her mom in jail and basically uprooting her from everything she knows and making her live in a trailer with no friends. It’s not working very well. She’s not eating, but it turns out she’s not just being petulant – you’ll recall Dede’s mystery ailment, for which Kacee was arrested buying medicine. Evidently it’s digestive in nature, and evidently it’s hard to get an appointment with a gastroenterologist when The Man is after you. She’s sick, and C-Note hurries to carry her out of the diner. Just at that moment though, some twitchy meth head decides to rob the damn diner. Oh, for heaven’s sake. Sure, why not? So Tweak the Robber is generally tweaking out, demanding money from everybody and pistol-whipping a rather large gentleman in the process. C-Note tries to talk him down. It’s okay, Tweak. C-Note can help him get whatever he wants and he won’t have to hurt anybody.

Tweak twitches and looks a little wary, but he also looks kind of relieved that someone’s making some decisions for him. C-Note herds all the patrons and employees into the corner, has a pretty waitress lock the door, and passes a plastic bag around, into which everyone quietly places their valuables. This would be an unfortunate time for the cops to arrive, what with Mr. America’s Most Wanted Daddy standing there with a plastic bag full of other people’s wallets. They don’t, though, and C-Note’s all “See? Everything’s fine. Off you go then!” But Tweak wants everyone to wait in the storeroom until the cops arrive. C-Note says please, I’m a wanted man, my daughter’s sick, if I go back to jail she’ll be all alone, etc. Tweak relents and they head for the door, but C-Note hears him stopping the pretty waitress. He wants some icky alone time with her. C-Note’s all “Aw, hell no.” So he’s halfway out the door but he has to turn around and help the girl. Reason isn’t working very well at this point so he ends up just catching Tweak mid-twitch and slamming him to a table, punching him a couple of times for good measure. Hey, I didn’t know they taught you to fight like that in the Army! Oh, right, he probably learned these particular combat skills in jail. Anyway, he gets him down and disarmed just as the cops approach. When they walk in they see Tweak moaning and writhing on the ground, but C-Note isn’t there. The head cop wants to know who subdued the robber and the patrons sort of look around guiltily for awhile until the pistol-whipped gentleman from earlier lies, “I did.” Aw. Heartland values, people. This big scary guy knows when he owes someone a favor, even when that someone is an escaped felon. At the back entrance, the pretty waitress is sneaking C-Note and Dede out. Yeah, she owes him a favor or two herself. He thanks her and they’re off.

Meanwhile, on the Crazy Train, Michael goes to check on Sara but she’s not in the mood to chat just now, thanks. He sits next to Linc, who wonders where they go from here. They have the key, they know where it goes, but what do they do then? Haven’t they already had all kinds of incriminating evidence disappear before anyone can do anything about it? Michael tells him that’s why they’re keeping Kellerman close – he’s got contacts in DC. Not to mention, he’s one of the guys who was so good at making the aforementioned evidence and witnesses disappear, so it’s probably prudent to have him on their side. Speaking of keeping him close, they totally fail to, as we now see he’s made his way down to the lower level to call President Kissyface.

He really does look kind of unhinged, and I’m a little concerned until I realize that when Kellerman’s about to do something terrible, like say kill your parents and frame you for it, or leave you to die in a well, he usually does it with a twinkle in his eye and a carefree grin. So maybe this is what Kellerman looks like when he’s not feeling homicidal. So he gets her on the line and she just wants to know where he is. He’s on a train to Chicago, but he needs to know some stuff before he tells her what the deal is with the boys, like what exactly she means when she says she can make this all right again. She basically tells him she’ll make him her new Chief of Staff. Huh huh. I’ll just bet she will. Ahem. Anyway, he just says they’ll talk when he gets to Chicago, and hangs up.

Sara finally lets Michael in to the ladies’ room where she’s just staring vacantly. Michael’s all “…” She observes that she’s jumped bail, she’s on the run with escaped felons, and she just tried to kill a man. Three weeks ago she was a doctor. Wow, three weeks, huh? Michael says she can get all of that back, she just has to believe it. Faith is the only thing keeping him going. She says there are two things keeping her going: She wants to get the guys who took her dad, and of course, the other thing is the smokin hot genius faux-diabetic escaped con sitting next to her! It’s a cute stammery little monologue. He kisses her, lots, and they mean it! Cool. She even grins, and it’s freaking adorable.

Normally onscreen kissing kind of squicks me out, but there’s so little of it on this show that I guess I feel the characters deserve it after all this time. Have at it! Speaking of which, before any grey sweaters can start coming off, the train lurches and slows down. There’s a roadblock ahead, and once again the cast of Prison Break is left with the bluest collective balls in all of primetime television. I’m not complaining, because it does make the rare train bathroom makeout scene that much more effective, but there’s literally more sex on 7th Heaven, and it’s pretty funny when you think about it. Maybe that’s why everyone’s so intense all the time – we’d probably have a very different show if these people were getting laid regularly. Anyway, they scramble around trying to figure out what to do. The door to the engine room is locked, so Linc climbs up and runs across the tops of the cars to enter from the outside, where he and his scary handgun kindly advise the engineer, if that’s even what they call them anymore, to run through the roadblock. Kellerman, Sara and Michael file in behind him. There are four cop cars ahead, parked on the tracks. There are also four actual cops parked on the tracks, which seems sort of unnecessary and also unwise, but they manage to get out of the way just as the train barrels through the cars at a not very exciting but nonetheless deadly speed.

Bellick sits in his shiny new car, introducing himself to his rear view mirror. He holds up his new badge and practices. “Bradley Bellick, FBI,” he intones menacingly, and it’s pretty funny. “Hi there. Brad Bellick: I’m an agent with the Federal Bureau of Investigation.” “Special Agent Brad Bellick. I’m with the Bureau.” Ha. He picks that one to use on Sasha, which is apparently what that girl’s name is, you know, the one with the dad who Haywire beat the holy hell out of last night.

At first she is unimpressed, and tells him she already told the cops she doesn’t know where to find Haywire. He just hung out around the park, asking kids for money. If he’s not there, she doesn’t know where he is. Ah, but Special Agent Bellick has been doing his homework! Haywire wouldn’t be around people. He’s a paranoid schizophrenic, afraid of strangers. She draws his attention to her complete lack of grief for her gross pervy alcoholic dad, but Bellick manages to bully her anyway by pulling imaginary rank. Who are they going to believe? An agent with 15 years of service and three presidential citations (ha!) or some piece of white trash? Oh, you don’t want to go playing the white trash card, Bellick. That much irony could kill a man. She relents after he threatens her with jail time, and the next thing we see is Bellick calling it in to Mahone – he’s got a lead on Haywire. Mahone says to just keep him there, alone. He’s on his way. And we already know from earlier that Haywire’s Wisconsin hideout is around 4 hours from Fox River, so the fact that Mahone’s going to arrive there a couple of scenes from now is one of the rare instances in which the laws of the Prison Break space-time continuum intersect those of our own universe.

Aboard the Love Train, they’re trying to figure out how to proceed. There will be cops waiting for them at the next station, especially considering how they rammed right through the last roadblock. Linc says they’ll have to jump. And then what, wonders Kellerman, hide under a barrel? Michael says no, Linc’s right. Then he makes his thinking face. Or maybe it’s his blue ball face. It’s hard to tell once he goes all steely.

Haywire is frantically packing up when he hears Bellick yelling his name. “Run, Larry!” Haywire says, and awwwww. Poor Haywire. I also have a moment of panic for Larry’s wellbeing, and a surge of pure hatred for Bellick on behalf of Westmoreland and his poor kittycat Marilyn, but luckily Larry just stands there barking while Bellick races after Haywire. I invent a scenario wherein Larry is quickly rescued, perhaps by Sasha, who takes him home with her and feeds him steak regularly for the rest of his long doggy life.

The engineer on the Train of Fools gets a call on his radio – they have jumpers! Three male, one female! He calls it in to the cops and they’re right behind them, helicopters, dogs, cop feet chasing anonymous civilian feet. And hey, why are these civilian feet so anonymous? Because it’s totally not our guys! It’s the almost certainly underpaid 14 year old conductor from earlier. Linc et al made him call it in, then told him and a couple of other guys to jump off and keep running or they’d be shot. Once again, local cops who thought they’d be heroes end up looking like morons. Our boys are good at that. Meanwhile, Kellerman casually disembarks in Chicago, all “doot dee doo, just a regular passenger with entirely legitimate business, la la la.” The others are right behind him. They need a car.

Haywire is panicked, running from Bellick at full speed. He ends up at an old mill, climbing silos until he’s sort of trapped at the top of a grain elevator. Bellick calls Mahone, who tells him to just keep Haywire there till he arrives. Bellick says “No problem, I got this wingnut treed.” Shut up, Bellick.

Sara, Michael, Linc and Kellerman stroll around the train station parking lot, trying every car door. Ooh, maybe Dr. Sara will get a chance to show off her mad hotwiring skillz we learned about earlier this season! She’s full of delightful surprises. Kellerman skulks behind an SUV to place another call to President Bitchface. She answers with the same “Paul. Where are you?” we’ve heard before. He’s looking a little unhinged. “Did you send the police?” She’s all “who, me? Do something nefarious? Why that’s absurd!” She has no idea how the cops found out he was on that train. He flashes back to all the conversations he had with Kim, wherein Kim essentially cut him off from direct contact with the President. She’s asking about Linc and Michael but he just goes “Where did we spend my 35th birthday?” It’s so wrong that I find it charming that Kellerman even has birthdays. I have a delightful mental image of him wearing a pointy hat and opening presents. “A new dismemberment hacksaw! How did you know?” Anyway, he doesn’t get an answer. She’s just stalling: “Um, I gotta go! Pay no attention to the fake President behind the curtain!” and now we know what this whole thing was about. We cut to Kim’s office where she’s on the phone, and it’s totally not President Bitchface at all! It’s just some blonde sitting in front of a computer, apparently hooked up to some cool voice mimicing software, looking at Agent Kim like “What? I was just supposed to sound like her, not know everything about this guy’s birthday parties!” Kellerman: “Whoever this is? Tell Bill Kim that he just screwed up. Big time.” Delicious!

Kim buries his face in his hands like a man who truly believes he has screwed up, big time. Linc finally finds an open car door, and the whole big happy family piles in to the Family Truckster™ from Vacation. Damn hell yeah!

Oh god, Haywire is breaking my heart. Seriously, I had no idea I would feel so sorry for him, but this whole sequence is just awful. He’s like a mentally ill little kitten up there, just absolutely scared out of his crazy crazy mind. Mahone pulls up, annoyed with Bellick for allowing a crowd of rubberneckers to assemble. Like the “Keep him alone and away from other people so I can carry out my secret homicidal government orders” part of the plan was supposed to be understood, or something. How the hell is he supposed to murder an insane person with all these people gawking at him? He climbs up the ladder, stopping to pop a few pills from his Magic Pen. Hooray, Magic Pen! I thought they’d forgotten you! This scene is just torturous, but it’s also a very nice showcase for these two actors. Haywire doesn’t want to go back to prison. He says this in the same heartbreaking 5-year-old way my little sister says she doesn’t want to “take a X ray” whenever she’s in a doctor’s office. Actually, he pretty much is a 5-year-old – a homicidal one, sure, but the point is he’s essentially a child and that’s why this is so hard to watch. He just wants to go to Holland. Mahone says he can’t do either of those things, but there is a way out. He glances downward. “Nonononono!” Haywire and I both say. We know from earlier that Mahone doesn’t want to kill this guy, and while talking someone in to suicide is pretty despicable, we can see that Mahone really does get it. Haywire’s out of options. He’s tired of running. Mahone understands what that’s like.

The Family Truckster™ is parked outside a building in downtown Chicago. Kellerman says there are private humidors in the back with each member’s name on them. That’s where the key goes. There’s no security to get by, just a receptionist. But hey, Kellerman’s not quite as visibly wanted as the rest of them, so he volunteers to go. Michael doesn’t dignify this suggestion with a response. He just smirks and asks Sara if she wants to go for a little walk. They approach the building together.

Haywire steps over the guard rail and swan dives off the platform. We get a shot of the wide-eyed wonderment on his face just before he hits the ground. Dag, yo.

Next time: Goddamn Maricruz. Maybe this is the episode wherein she meets a tragic demise, thus restoring Sucre to his old self. Remember his old self? No? I’m having trouble myself. More cops chase Michael and Sara. And Mahone faces off with C-Note and poor poor Dede. Until then!