Project Accessory Recap: Bag of Crazy

Need a quick catchup?  Check out the minicap!

So last week, David and Nicolina went home, and this week everyone is politely trying to act like they’re upset.  I’m ACTUALLY upset because Panic Room was a fucking GOLD MINE, and she only lasted three episodes.  Luckily, both Sheamless and Anthrax lose their minds a little this week, so it looks like the rest of the season won’t be a total snoozefest.

Because Jon Frieda isn’t pimped enough on this show, we open to a montage of the designers getting ready with all of their (I’m sure personal) Frieda products, and shades of crazy as Sheamless hits herself in the head to prep for the upcoming stress.

Yoga time.

Anthrax is quietly gleeful (“pretty stoked”) at his runner-up status from last week, and everyone is nice and doesn’t break it to him that it isn’t that he was second so much as he didn’t lose.  Still happy to have him, though.  He interviews for a hot minute again that he was a diesel mechanic (and I’m assuming that means he worked on engines that required diesel fuel, and I’m assuming that those engines are the big ones) and now he’s a jewelry designer.  Skippity Doo, Friend.  He giggles that underneath the mechanics coveralls hid a fashion accessories designer – who knew?  I don’t know, any artist that’s ever held a second job?

With that, it’s onto see Mims, so she can… not introduce the challenge.  Seriously, the designers sit, she comes out, and tells them to head to the studio to see Eva, who will introduce their challenge for this week.  Looks like Eva wasn’t done with her breakfast of Xanax and bloody marys just yet, so time to staaaalll.

It’s just a tiny pill, but she takes so many!

Finally Eva gets over the morning shakes and is ready to appear on camera, so the designers file to the workroom where they are confronted with Container Store containers of… stuff.  Off topic, but don’t you guys freaking love the Container Store?  Every time I walk in I’m filled with the overwhelming urge to organize my life.  It’s like walking into an Office Max right before school starts.  Folders and planners and notebooks (Lisa Frank), oh my!!

Also there, Andrea Linett, creative director of eBay fashion.  Apparently the bins are filled with the belongings of women who have been featured on an eBay fashion story.  Now, before you get pictures in your head of women walking around with fanny packs hauling plastic bags full of Beanie Babies and Kid Robot toys, it would appear that eBay fashion just might be filled with legit fashion.  Who knew?  These women are supposed to be particularly chic and love eBay, so they get featured on the website.  And now on this show!  The challenge this week is to grab a bin, and create a bag for the women who’s shit it is.  This actually sounds pretty cool…

We planted a Bible in one of’em – Ha!

And it is cool, for about five seconds.  Everyone picks their bin – Sheamless manages to pick one with a massive computer, and then finds out that the bag she creates has to fit everything in it, and that computer is about this fucking big:

Such a great movie.

And that’s still cool, if you ask me.  What’s not cool?  The fact that the women who own the stuff walk in and get to be consultants.  So it’s not a “decrypt the stuff” challenge and see if you can gauge a personality based on other accessories and items, but a “make something for a client who’s going to tell you exactly what she wants” challenge.  BOOOOOOORRRING.  Oh well, we still get to listen to Diego talk about bags.  “Aaaay creeit ‘andbags.  Now the designers have to be afrid of me!”  All day long, Gasmii.  All day long.  The best part is when he picks his bin because there’s a gym membership in it.  He slinks his chest back and forth in the interview claiming that he’s excited that she’ll be “fiiiiit and stuuuff.”

I djon’t know, hefferybody in Amerca eees faaat.  Faaaat women can’t carry bags – too heavy, fall down!

As for Sheamless, the reason she picked the giant fucking computer bin is because she thinks, specifically because of the Apple Laptop, that she can relate to the girl.  You know who else has an Apple Laptop, or a MACBOOK?

These guys.

Lisa Simpson picks last, and Eva reveals for shits and giggles and because she’s stoned off her ass that he got the absolute lowest scores last week.  All of a sudden shitting around for fun because he had immunity doesn’t seem like such a good idea.  Totally humiliated, he picks a bin and crawls back to the line.

Then the clients arrive, and everyone gets 15 minutes to consult before heading off to Mood.  Everything seems pretty chill – no huge client/designer conflicts except for Brian.  His lady’s an AMAZON.  Or a Viking.  Or another warrior woman mythology.  I.E.  She’s big in every way.  Her bag has moccasins, and a few other items.  She reveals that what’s in the bin isn’t even half her stuff, and Brian, in what I think he thinks is a funny comment, tells her he’s glad, because otherwise he would have had to make her a suitcase – with wheels.  Girl’s face turns into a statue faster than you can say Medusa, and you can just see that she’s trying to work out where the fat joke was in that sentence.

I’m not a suitcase!!!

Brian’s whole attitude is one of “over it,” so I can’t blame this chick for being uncomfortable and underwhelmed.  He asks if she feels like something in dark brown, and she specifically says that she needs a good black bag.  Brian interviews immediately that he ain’t doing no black bag because he doesn’t want to send a biker chick down the runway.  Uh, Brian?  You look more like a biker chick than this woman.  Let’s be a little more positive, shall we?

Everyone goes to Mood, they all buy stuff, and there’s no Swatch so I don’t care.

Then, when everyone gets back, they all hit the pattern tables except for Brian, who introduces a theme that will be present for the rest of the episode, “I don’t have time to do shit, so I’m just not gonna do some of the shit.”  He completely tosses out the idea of making a pattern and just gets to sewing.  He knows that if he spends time making a pattern, he’s not going to have time to finish.  Somebody’s not good with numbers…  Everyone else, meanwhile, has decided to make patterns, but when the numbers confuddle THEM, they just ask Diego for help.  He’s not nearly as accommodating as Lisa Simpson was during the shoe challenge.  He doesn’t want to be eeempolite, though, so he helps, all the while interviewing that he weeeshes people would yust leaf heem alone.

The quotes work better if you imagine him reclining on a chaise lounge, waving a fan in consternation.
Commercial!

It’s nighttime when we return to the workroom, and everyone is now working with actual materials as opposed to patterning.  Nina’s texturizing gold panels to decorate her bag because she’s skeered of fabric.  Seriously, she says that.  She’s not used to working with fabrics, so they freak her out.  There are so many funny images of fabric attacking Nina in my head right now that I think my entire body is laughing.

Okay, now I get it.

Madea is channeling Kate Spade with a great striped bag featuring a floral lining I want to roll around in, and I’m starting to get antsy for a hat challenge so I can see the drag queen in him come out full force.

It’s 10pm now, and time for Eva to hit the clubs, so she stops by for one last client visit.  The designers get another 15 minutes with the ladies.  Sheamless prays and prays that her client doesn’t want to make any alterations because there just isn’t any time. Sheamless needs to sew – she Needs.  To.  Sew.  Repeat that 15 times, and you’ll have an idea of what this segment sounded like.   And then Client hilariously wants an extra pocket and Sheamless grabs a blow torch and goes for the bitch’s face because she needs to SEW.  Luckily Eva (who’s totally been there), grabs Sheamless, shoves a few valium down her throat, and a PA shuttles Client out before any more damage can be done.

I’ll cut that bitch if she interrupts me again.

Everyone else’s clients are pretty happy with the progress, but it’s clear that Anthrax and Lisa Simpson are running behind.  Also clear?  Brian is not afraid of large women, because he’s pissing this one off and doesn’t seem to care:

If I were her, I’d sit on him until he did what I said.

The timing problem in the episode is hilariously compounded as Eva announces a TWIST!!  The clients are to give the designers their old purses, so said designers can make an additional accessory!  You can literally see about three of them throw up in their mouths.

“There’s gonna be a whole lotta crap walking down that runway tonight!”  “What’s the difference between that and every other night?”

Diego’s short on time, Anthrax is short on time, Sheamless is short on time, EVERYBODY’S short on time.  Then Sheamless, still reeling from her valium cocktail, starts threading sewing machines badly and just leaving them when they don’t work.  Like, all of them.  Anthrax sits down at one that’s busted and if TWIST didn’t push him over the edge, Sheamless’ stoney fuck up sho does.  She asks/giggles if anyone knows how to thread a sewing machine, and Anthrax channels my older brother by shouting, “If you don’t know how to thread the sewing machine, don’t thread it.  How about that??” and storming away.  My brother also wore lots of industrial clothing and behaved in a mercurial fashion.  *sigh* Home Sweet Home.

For her part, Sheamless seems pretty oblivious to the hatred that currently surrounds her, and starts verbal vomiting that she’s really freaking out about the time really freaking out about the time is anyone else really freaking out about the time because she’s really freaking out about the time.

And romper problems to boot.

Anthrax interviews that he wants to sew her damn mouth shut, so lucky for Sheamless she broke all the damn machines.  Commercial!

The next day, we find out Nina didn’t make a pattern either, and now her bag won’t close.  There’s a TWSS joke in there somewhere.  First one to find it wins!  She has to rip apart her bag and sew some leather in there to make it functional, and she still hasn’t started on her second accessory.  Luckily she’s not romping around braking shit, so no one gets mad at her.  Anthrax isn’t faring so well, either.  His stitching is terrible and he hasn’t started on his second accessory either.  A lot of other people have, though, and Gasmii, they are phooooning that shit in.

The clients arrive for their final consultation, a little late because Eva had to make a “pit stop.”  Here’s what they have to look forward to for their second accessory:

That’s the handle of the old purse.  Clipped together.

That’s the buckle of the old purse.  Clipped together.

Those are the buckles of the old purse, soon to be clipped together.

The consults end, and the clients head off to get their hair and makeup done.  When time is finally called, Anthrax’s bag is miles away from being finished, to the point where it looks like it’s made out of felt.  But he’s still better off than Lisa Simpson who’s made some kind of Liz Claiborne canvas monstrosity and no second accessory.  He doesn’t even seem that upset about it – not looking good…

If the purse doubles as a duffle, does that count as the second accessory?

Commercial!

We’re back and it’s time for the Ruuuuuunway!!  No Cole this week, but we do have Rebecca Minkoff (LOVE!) and Kara Ross (WHO?)  and Ariel Foxman

All filler and no expressions make Foxman a dull blob.

And Mims, of course, who looks like she covered herself in glue and took a dive into Scrooge McDuck’s Money Bin.  Fuck, I want one of those.

Not half bad.

First up on the runway, Diego!

It’s very complete and impeccably crafted, but I feel like I’ve definitely seen it at Nine West.

WANT THE RING WANT THE RING WANT THE RING

Briefcase clutch.  Looks like she could use it to fend off muggers, though.

Good from far away.

That shit’s not gonna beat Diego.

Muggers beware!

Mims agrees.

Army surplus, anyone?

Go Girl.

Immediately, Madea, James, Anthrax and Sheamless are sent backstage for having the lowest sc ores, so Nina, Brian, Christine (yay!), and Diego are up for the win!  Brian gets a lot of kudos for his “ficticious animal print” whatever the fuck that is, but there’s no way he’s beating any of the other three designers.

Christine gets high marks, as well, mostly due to her detailing, but nobody mentions the lameass necklace/dog collar/purse handle hanging off her client’s neck.  Nina’s also getting top marks, as she should, especially for the ring.  But, as I think we all expected, it’s Diego for the win and immunity, because that shit looks like it came straight from a factory in China, and there’s no competing with that.

The thing has feet, for fuck’s sake.  I wouldn’t buy it, but it’s still the best.  Plus, the cardholder accessory he made out of the old bag is super-cute.

The winners head back to the losers table, as the losers lift themselves up out of their own misery to walk the plank.  Well, that’s more Anthrax than anybody else.  He’s particularly emo, calling his work garbage as he heads out to what may be his impending doom.  I can practically hear the Nirvana playing in his head.

Madea’s up first with his briefcase clutch, and before the judges get any ideas about sending him home, he opens the flap and shows them exactly why he should stay.

That’s hand braided piping against a FABULOUS lining.  I don’t know why I’m enticed to buy bags when they have beautiful lining, I am.  Probably because when I look at the mess inside my bag of crazy, it doesn’t seem so bad with a cute lining.

There’s some titter about the obvious – too big, impractical, but there’s no way he’s going home and Anthrax isn’t.  If there is, I’ll eat my hat.  Then find Madea and ask him to make me a new one!

Sheamless’ bag is so ludicrously big Foxman slurs that it looks like a carry-on, and Kara Ross advises that a bag that big, needs to be vertical, otherwise it’ll make the woman look fat.  Whoa, bingo.  I do believe I like Kara Ross.  Lisa Simpson’s up next, and the judges are still pissed at him for shitting all over the catsuit challenge last week.  They eviscerate his bag, which he thought was going to save him from the lack of an accessory, calling it disproportionate and ugly.  His client is super happy, though, but I have a feeling she won’t be when she trudges around the city with all her crap and that braided strap starts to cut her in half.

You’ll be bleeding in five blocks.

Foxman blabs that the fact that Lisa didn’t complete the other half of the challenge is bullshit since everybody else fucking did, so there goes that.  The real Lisa Simpson would have been appalled.  Remember Diorama-rama Day?

Not enough time, my ass.  She recreated Oliver Twist in one damn night.

Anthrax manages to save himself by immediately calling himself out on the execution of his bag being absolute crap, and the judges can’t get past the fact that it looks like a child could have made it.  They like his bracelet, though, and Client saves him a little saying she would have loved the bag were it finished.  Commercial… And I think we all know what’s happening next.
The judges deliberate, and it’s time for the verdict.

Awww…

Yeah, that’s it for Lisa Simpson.  Being a sweetheart shoemaker will not save you from terrible taste and basically acting like you’re better than all the challenges.  I’ll miss him, but I’d be pissed if anyone else had been sent home.  Well, maybe not Sheamless, who’s got to be LOSING HER MIND right now.  I can’t wait for next week when she loses it and doesn’t have a puppy to cuddle.  Bye-bye Lisa Simspon.  And if this elimination gets you down, remember one thing:

See you next week, Folks!!!

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