Hey Hey, Gasmii, welcome to the penultimate episode of what has turned out to be a decidedly unsucky spin-off. And before any of you object to the props I just handed out, let’s all take a moment and remember “Models of the Runway,” the show that ANTM was “better than.”
Last week we lost Madea, and my heart goes on, but it’s limping a little. This week, as you should all remember in the previews, is a DOUBLE ELIMINATION!!! And it should prove to be exciting because at this point, Anthrax (or Bitchy Rich, as I may sometime refer to him in this episode), is the only person I believe who really deserves to go home. Everyone else – Brian, Diego, Christina, and Nina are all pretty neck and neck. Know what that makes for? Unpredictable television – three cheers!
During the intro-apartamento scene, Brian talks to his wife about his baby, Oliver, who, heretofore has remained nameless because Brian has done enough awesome work that we don’t have to learn about his personal life to root for him. Ruh-roh… Anyway, blah blah blah, the kid’s young, he loves his wife, things are not looking good.
The designers head to the runway, and Mims walks out in yet another inappropriate dress for what time of day it is.
Mims! Sit! No sequins!
She tells them about the double elimination, and it’s all they can do to muster forth surprise. Methinks Eva might have passed out in the workroom last week and started talking in her sleep. The challenge is to create accessories for eveningwear donated by Tahari or some other designer I never hear of when I watch Joan Rivers try to blink on the red carpet. Everyone grabs a dress and pretty much gets exactly what they want. Christina supposedly takes a bit of a risk choosing a white dress with gold embellishments because it’ll be hard to make the accessories stand out, so I’m hearing the word “gaudy” in her future judgment.
Once everyone has a piece, it’s time for the real challenge. Eva drags them all down to Soho to the Evolution Store and HOLY GOD WHAT IS THE UNIVERSE’S OBSESSION WITH FORCING ME TO RECAP THINGS FEATURING BUGS?!!
Okay, I’ve stopped shuddering long enough to continue typing. Even though there are skulls and stuffed animals and all sorts of non-bug shit flying around, the designers have to pick an insect and design their accessories around that insect. Nina doesn’t like bugs either, but she’s way lamer about it than me. She’s all bugs are “icky” and the red carpet is pretty. The icky part was a direct quote. Bugs are not icky, Princess. They’re evil, deadly and designed to crawl inside things (ears) and do awful things (lay eggs). The only thing that has in common with the red carpet is Brett Ratner.
The designers are presented with trays and have five minutes to pick one insect. I had to rewind this part a few times because I kept getting distracted trying to figure out if the bugs were real or not. I still don’t know and I don’t really want to. Anthrax is uber-excited about this whole thing because he’s been using bugs for inspiration and late night snacks for years. Apparently he almost fashioned his fiancé’s wedding out of beetle legs, but she found out what he was planning and left him before he could finish. What? That’s what I would do.
I have to say, this is the most excited I’ve seen Anthrax in about four episodes. He’s competitive, raring to go and is all set to show finally show everyone what “Rich Sandemeno can finally do.” Great Homey, we’ll all just forget that everyone remaining hasn’t needed a challenge handed to them on a silver platter to show off what they’re capable of. He picks a beetle.
Horrid, horrid creature.
Brian picks this:
What the fuck is that?
Christina picks this:
I like it because it doesn’t look like a bug, though that makes it all the more sinister.
Nina picks this:
Nothing should have that many legs that are that long.
I know you’re all terribly surprised.
I would have a hard time completing this challenge given that I would neither be able to look and/or touch the “inspiration” at any point in time.
Everyone heads back to the workroom to sketch and whatnot, then it’s off to Mood with $200. Nina, like myself, understands that while spiders are obviously satanic, their webs are super pretty. She decides to make a spider web necklace that will drape over the bare shoulder of her model. It’s going to look awesome. Diego’s going to make a clutch, a bracelet and something else, and Anthrax can barely contain his evil genius glee at the obvious advantage he has over everyone else. It’s true, he does have an advantage. The stuff he starts to make out of the beetle he’s taking apart are obviously difficult and skillful, but I think I wouldn’t be so sad to discover that I wasn’t good at making jewelry out of bugs. Diego and Christina don’t seem too upset about it.
You spent a lot of time by yourself as a kid, huh?
We return and the designers are still working. Christina’s turning the bug into an antique-looking hairpin, which I guess I can get behind, but only because of “Titanic.”
Rose had such nice things.
She’s also going to make a ring, a cuff (because a cuff is a bendy piece of metal and everyone can fucking make one in two minutes) and a tiny clutch or “change purse,” as we say in America. There’s some shots of Nina taking the legs off of her spider (yup, they’re real), and when I get back from vomiting and crying, Eva’s returned. She practically poops happy all over Anthrax’s look, and wisely points out that Brian’s look has gone a leeetle off the deep end. He’s got, like, eight elements he’s planning on making, and when Eva mentions that, he smiles and goes, “Yeah, I think I’m gonna do one earring.”
I wake up every morning and I just piss excellence.
I love me some Brian, but Nina’s right. Winning’s gone to his head. I wouldn’t be surprised if he sent live roaches down the runway and threw them at anybody who disapproved.
Diego’s busy making another boring bag with a butterfly on it, and Eva is understandably not impressed. Of course he doesn’t listen because his bags are better than Kenneth Cole’s, so how could he lose? Everyone continues working, but it’s getting late and people are getting loopy. Christina needs to leave her change purse until tomorrow because if she works on a band saw she’s going to cut the shit out of her finger. Damn, I hate it when people are smart and avoid bleeding. Rich is pa-vaying the beetle shell which means obsessively gluing tiny crystals to a button at the same time Diego is pounding away at a cuff that probably doesn’t need any pounding. He literally interviews that he likes noise, and he especially likes it when said noise annoys someone else – Anthrax. Heehee, evil genius.
Finally, in a crash and burn that’s embarrassing to watch, Brian’s winner’s high has waned and he’s realizing that sticking a bug on a necklace and splashing resin all over it looks like something his three-month-old could do.
When it looks like a mistake, even though it isn’t a mistake, it’s usually a mistake.
It looks like the beetle accidentally stepped in wet paint. He tries to glue some glass or something to make it look better, but it’s not getting any better.
Eva brings in the models, everyone heads to the salon and before we know it, Christina’s fucked up her change purse and makes earrings, Diego’s headpiece is a joke, and before we know it, it’s time for the runway!!!
The judges are all present:
Heretofore unseen hotness.
Better than this.
Let’s check out the looks!
He went for the one earring! You can’t say he doesn’t have balls. Ugly ones, but they’re there.
Uh, wow. I love this, too.
Again with the cuffs.
The scores fall where you’d think. Brian’s is considered a universal mess, which it is. Rachel Roy actually likes the look, but she’s totally in the minority. No one else thinks the model or the accessories look good, so two swings and a miss for Brian. As for Anthrax, he’s fucking killed it and for once, I agree. The model looks like Megan Fox if she wasn’t an asshole. To be fair, though, and to stick with baseball metaphors, this pitch came right over the plate for Anthrax. I guess it’s good news that when he is lobbed an easy one, he can knock it out of the park.
Nina also gets good reviews, and her shoulder piece looks like something Lydia from the Beetlejuice cartoons would wear, and there ain’t nothin’ wrong with that.
I always wanted that outfit.
Christina didn’t turn in much because her change purse didn’t make it to the runway. Her hairpiece is crafted well, but she’s underwhelming all the way. Finally, Diego, who stuck a bug on a headband grabbed a clutch from Nine West, and went to town. Mims loves most of it, but it’s clear the frontrunners are Nina and Rich, so it’ll be interesting to see who gets eliminated. Commercial!
During the judging, it becomes clear that Christina and Brian are going to be judged on their past profiles, in which case, it looks like Brian is staying. And that’s really a shame. Know why?
Because this asshole wins, and automatically buys himself into the finale.
I guarantee if anything twisty gets thrown his way, he’s going to bitch, moan and throw hammers until he breaks down and sends a damn candy necklace down the runway. Five bucks. Who wants that bet. In a surprising move, Christina gets eliminated right off the bat, and bows out in a dignified manner befitting a former SATC employee. Nina’s in and she’s two steps closer to finally moving out of her parents house, so it’s down to Diego and Brian.
All right, I’m kind of behind this. Brian and Nina are awesome and I love watching them work, and Anthrax will provide much-needed drama. Also providing drama in the season finale, Diego, Kelly and one other designer are brought back to help the finalists – Kelly fucks up, and Diego sits on a couch (literally) and does nothing to help Anthrax. Awesome.
We like’m bitter!
See you next week!
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