Hey Gasmii, I’m a little grouchy right now, because I’m sitting in my mom’s cozy living room, staring at all of her Christmas decorations, knowing that I’m on vacation for the next week, but NOT REALLY because Lifetime decided to air the fucking season finale of this damn show three days before Christmas. HIATUS MOTHERFUCKERS!
Whew, okay, just needed to get that off my chest. Nina, Anthrax and Brian are all sitting in the apartment, bleary-eyed and delirious that they’ve made it this far. I’m only bleary-eyed and delirious that Anthrax managed to weasel his way into the finals over Christina who’d never been in the bottom until last week. There’s no way he’s going to offer any real competition to Brian and Nina, but luckily the latter two are pretty evenly matched so I’m a little on the edge of my seat over whether Nina’s going to get to move out of her house or Brian’s baby will finally get to stop sleeping between his parents and move to a real crib!
One of two babies will get their own place this episode.
In case you drank your weight in various nogs over the past few days and forgot – two designers, Christina and Diego – were eliminated, and Anthrax, Brian and Nina sailed into the top three and the final chance at $100,000. As if he can hear me and wishes to prove even more so that he doesn’t belong anywhere near the winner’s circle, Anthrax interviews that he’s finally starting to realize that he came to “Project Accessory” to win. Oh good, because the rest of cast who came to win in the first episode and didn’t bitch and moan every time a challenge wasn’t right up their damn alley is going to love hearing about how you’re just now contemplating how this game might be good enough for you to play.
Douche. I want to yank that beard so hard.
Nina, for her part, is still going on about how she hasn’t been able to live as a designer (because her parents are holding her captive and refuse to let her be a designer or do anything else that would pay rent) and that winning the $100,000 would “be everything to her.” I feel like you could take out “$100,000″ in that sentence and replace it with “pony” or “prom date” or “American Idol” and it would sound the same.
Brian knows he can win this, and kind of has to because he’s got a baby, and they can’t even afford a baby backpack. Brian had to call Ulli and have her sew together a pashmina so he and his wife could have a baby sling.
The final three head to the final runway consultation with Mims, who actually looks pretty and appropriate for once.
You know you’re a model when you can make salmon look good.
The designers have to create a nine-piece mini-collection and feature said collection on three different looks. From what Mims says, it doesn’t sound like they have any extra time to do this, so she leads out what the promo referred to as “the fallen.” HAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!! God, these shows take themselves so damn seriously sometimes I can’t tell if they’re serious or if I sleepwalked into the studios one night and started recording gag voiceovers in the hopes that some would get used.
Each designer will be able to pick one assistant from the bitter, vengeful bunch that stands before them. Interestingly, neither Christina nor Madea even make the contemplation cut because Anthrax, Brian and Nina are all thinking about what element of any given look would be their weak point, and Kelly, Diego and Lisa Simpson are the only three designers with those specialties. Anthrax goes with Diego for bags, and frankly, I think that’s a spectacularly stupid move given that Diego is probably the only person on this show who could give Anthrax a run for his money when it comes to pouting, whining and general bitchiness. He also doesn’t look happy at ALL to be an also-ran assistant to a man who looks like he’s got a face tail.
I yust want to jank it.
Nina gets to go next and she picks Kelly, also for baggage, and Brian picks James. Oh good, I kind of missed Lisa Simpson, and I’m kind of intrigued to see Kelly do what she does best. They all head back to the workroom to consult and the Anthrax/Diego partnership gets off to an awesome start.
Eva walks in looking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, so it was obviously and upper kind of morning for her. She announces the designers will have get models assigned to them, two days to work, a consultation from stylist Amanda Ross to pick outfits for their three looks and $1000 to shop at Mood. If I were Anthrax, I’d take the $1000 and book it to Canada as fast as my little legs would carry me. That is the most money he’s gonna see out of this show, mark my words.
In the half-hour they have to sketch, everyone basically decides to do an everyday look, and one or two evening looks. For this third look, Brian wants to do swimwear and he also convinces James to do not one but two pairs of shoes. Homey is playing to win. Nina’s going a serious grown-up Olsen Twin boho vibe, which looks good, but an inordinate amount of focus is being placed on the bags… which she isn’t making, soooo… yeah. And finally, Anthrax is making things that are black. It’s a Rich Sandameno signature – with some bags by Diego. CHRIST what is this guy doing in the finale? And not only do I not know, I’m pretty sure he doesn’t either.
To make me less frustrated, Diego finishes a bag in like, ten minutes that looks like it could be sold in a Kate Spade store. Not only does it hilariously freak out Brian, who looks up from his sewing machine, realize the bag is done, then hunker down to the machine going noticeably faster than he was before, Anthrax hates it! Why? Pretty much because it looks like it could be sold in a Kate Spade store. Apparently the bag is very “done” and “polished,” like every other bag Diego’s ever made on this show. Anthrax admits that he knows Diego is an accomplished bagmaker, but Anthrax isn’t a “high polish” kind of guy. Boy, it makes PERFECT FUCKING SENSE FOR YOU TO HAVE PICKED DIEGO. The funny part is, Diego’s probably totally capable of following Anthrax’s direction, but he’s so bitter that a penis-bearded little girl beat him that he’s unwilling.
Talk to me like that again and I’m going to take a dump in that bag.
Back from commercial, everyone’s hard at work – Brian’s at it with the resin again making a necklace for Wilma Flintstone – you’ll see. Everything’s going well for Nina except for the fact that Kelly is pretty far behind on the bags and Nina’s getting nervous. Can’t say I blame Kelly. She went down HARD in the shoe challenge, so she isn’t taking any chances when it comes to her work’s last chance to be seen on national television. Eva walks in with her friend Harry Josh, the Ricky Bobby of John Frieda, who briefly consults with each designer on their hairstyles. Since I don’t use John Frieda products, the most interesting thing about that segment is Harry Josh’s ridiculous name.
Post-hair, everyone seems to be on track accept for Diego and Anthrax who keep butting heads over design. Anthrax gives Diego some metal to put on a bag, Diego says he can’t do it, and also it’ll look like something that came out of someone’s garage. Anthrax explains that “that’s just [his] style,” and Brian rolls his eyes at the obvious briar patch Anthrax walked into by trying to work with someone who a) has spent the entire competition being very, VERY clear about his design aesthetic and b) someone who’s probably more than a little bitter that he’s assisting someone who is far less talented.
Oliver, bassinet here you come!!
Amanda Ross finally heads in with a rack of outfits, everybody picks and Eva comes out for some early judgment. All of Nina’s looks look like their eveningwear because she’s 26, so the advice is to differentiate between looks. Ironically, Brian’s critique mirrors one Anthrax gave in the first part of the episode – it’s too all over the place and needs to present a more cohesive idea. Hmm, interesting. And by interesting, I’m referring to Anthrax actually saying something of apparent insight and value.
Speaking of Anthrax, hilariously everything in his collection seems to be coming together except for the Diego Spade bag that sticks out like a sore thumb. Eva is super-gentle in telling Anthrax that the nicest thing in his collection is said bag, so he’d better make it a little less Town and Country and a little more Rock and Roll. To his credit, he tries, but Diego wants pretty much nothing to do with sewing metal on what I think is a very nice bag, so Anthrax is left to contemplate a bag which, given the fact that it looks like it’s made out of gingham, there’s really no fixing.
Before the day is out, Nina and Kelly both cry about the fact that the bags are dangerously unfinished – Nina because it’s her win on the line and Kelly because it’s her credibility as a designer. In the long run, Kelly has more to lose, I think. Commercial!
The designers awake to find themselves at the close, the snitch opened and the ghosts of their competitors there to give them guidance. It would be a more powerful metaphor if Snape had jumped out of that snitch to help me draw a more direct correlation to Diego.
When the final three reach the workroom, most everything is done and the models head in to get sized. Unfortunately, Lisa Simpson has made a bit of an uh-oh, and the eveningwear pump does not fit the model it’s supposed to fit. Brian throws one of his mini- and totally justified hissy fits, before just switching which model is wearing what. Problem solved, but James must feel like an aaaaass. As for Anthrax and Diego, their partnership has reached its most productive point – Diego has taken himself completely out of the competition and is parked on a couch, blithely telling Anthrax to “throw a belt on [the model]” and be done with it. Then he starts helping Kelly put the finishing touches on HER bag. For a moment it looks like Anthrax is going to get violent, but then he just does what he usually does an violently pouts. Luckily, despite their assistants’ many failures, everyone completes their looks and heads to the runway on a level playing field. Well, Nina and Brian head do, Anthrax is just there by default.
I put metal on things.
The final three head to the runway to discover Mims, once again, appropriately dressed. She announces that since they are all so talented and the producers recently discovered extra money in the budget they weren’t legally allowed to sell on booze -
We sure did try!
-the runner-up in the first season of Project Accessory will get a trip to France!! WTF? I mean, yay France, but if I were going to get a consolation prize in a competition like this, I’d want it to be $10,000 not a trip that was worth $10,000. Just sayin’. Anthrax, Nina and Brian all look excited about it though, even though Brian and Nina are the only two who have to worry about winners and runners-up. What? Y’all know it’s true.
Mims introduces the judges
Eternally mildly amused.
That’s the gayest thing I’ve ever seen him do.
Interesting how you can change someone’s race by the deft use of your pause button.
And we’re off!
Blah. Very Banana Republic.
Creepy guillotine necklace is kind of awesome.
I don’t give a shit about the accessories, I just want that fucking dress.
Hellooo necklace I want.
Hmmm… it’s very barely there.
Again with the cuffs.
I like everything but the suit.
Whew! Okay, let’s pass some judgment! Nina’s up first, and she’s so sweet and self-deprecating about herself. It’s totally endearing because she’s actually sincere. If she weren’t, I’d want to drop kick her into a pile of pointy things. The judges have pretty much unanimously good things to say about her, and Kenneth Cole dubs her a very talented designer which, if I were her, would be almost as good as hearing, “Actually, the runner up prize is your very own studio apartment!”
Even though Rich’s look is comprised of shit like this
Metal stuck on something.
The judges applaud him for not getting so stuck in his goth bullshit, but at the same time, the Rich signature (which is what?) has been lost. And the purse doesn’t match. Hilariously not at all.
Finally, Brian. It’s all good, it’s all wonderful and I totally agree. In all honesty though, I should really point out that I can’t remember anything from this look but these:
The designers head back so the judges can talk and decide on the first winner of “Project Accessory.” Or as I like to refer to it, #notanthrax.
While the designers wait in the wings, the judges talk and say more of the same. Anthrax lost that je ne sais quois (that I’ve never seen) that made him Anthrax, though he was considerably more commercial than he has been in previous challenges (like the eight where he was in the bottom). And even though they both did waaaaay to many cuffs for my tastes, Nina and Brian are obviously in the top by a mile. If I had to pick a winner right now, I’d go with Brian, though. All four judges are much more animated when discussing his collection.
The private time done, the designers return to the runway and it’s time to see who wins and who goes to Paris. Mims, officially my new best friend after this announcement – “Rich, you are an amazing designer, but it really came down to Brian and to Nina.” Hahahahaaaa!!! Christmas miracle!
Anthrax gives a douchey surprised nod that manages to make him look worse than his terrible suit ever could.
You DON’T say?
And then he’s out of my life forever. Until walk down Melrose and look left into one of 400 different leather stores and see his inspiration.
After his welcome exit, Brian and Nina face the judges once more to receive their final compliments – Nina made the most sellable jewelry (agreed), but Brian made things full of surprises (also agreed – BOOTS). And the winner is…..
Looks like you’re getting a crib after all, Oliver!!!
Aww, yay!! I’m so happy he won. And besides, Nina’s going to have way more fun in Paris than parents of newborns ever would, so yay for her, too. Besides, with her obvious talent, she’ll find a patron or rich customer in no time. Are those two things the same?
Anywho, thanks for your patience with recaps throughout this season, Gasmii, and I look forward to recapping something else for you come the New Year. Happy Holidays!!!
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