Project Accessory Recap: Old King Cole

Holaaaa, Gasmii.  Have any of you ever notices how much alike Mims and Amber Valetta look?  I watched the movie, “Gamer,” last night, and I actually had to check IMDb to confirm that it was, in fact, the latter whoring herself around “Society” hoping her celebrity death-row husband would make it out of “Slayers” alive.  I hope you’ve all seen that movie, because if not, not much of that first paragraph is going to make sense.

Check it out for yourself:

Weird, no?

And now for something completely different!  Nobody seems to give a damn that Sheamless has exited stage weepy.  Nina’s ecstatic to be in the top six given that it means there are only five people left standing in her way to moving out of her parents house.  I still can’t get over the fact that this girl’s only solution to getting her own place is winning a contest against incredible odds.  I wonder if she spent the first half of her 20s auditioning for American Idol.

Someone not super happy to be in the top six?  Madea – well, that’s not totally accurate.  He’s happy, but knows full well he remains by the skin of his (should be rhinestoned) teeth.  He says he keeps hearing the word “edit” from the judges and it’s finally starting to resonate.  Uh-oh… for some reason I just got a chill run across my neck.

Why do I feel like they’re going to sucker punch him with “edit”?

The contestants head to the runway so Mims can, yet again, send them someplace completely different to hear about that week’s challenge.

You find filler for the episode, then!  There are only six of these idiots left and we kicked off all the interesting ones.

The designers arrive at Kenneth Cole headquarters to meet the man himself.  They salivate or fake salivate all over what a great designer he is, and he DEFINITELY fake salivates over finally getting to work with the designers in closer capacity.  Let’s just say I don’t think it’s a coincidence that he’s not wearing his glasses all of a sudden.

He starts going on and on about how black is the new black again, and reveals to the designers that their challenge will be to design accessorize Kenneth Cole outfits that he will personally assign to each designer.  The prize is that the winning accessories will be sold in Kenneth Cole stores.  I don’t know much about jewelry making or said industry, but the degree of excitement everyone (but Anthrax of course, who whines about having to make a clutch) shows at the prospect of just getting to design for Kenneth Cole goes to show what a big fucking deal this is.  BTW, they have to make a clutch and two other accessories of their choice.

I just want to make handles…

Everyone heads back to the workroom to find their outfits.  If I were Christina or Nina, I’d totally be all, “We get to keep the dresses, right?  And you’ll tailor them to us?”  Seriously, everything’s pretty gorgeous.  I can’t afford Kenneth Cole (POOR), so I never really shop there, but some of this stuff is truly stunning for funeral wear.

Eva stops by for virtually no reason other than to reiterate the challenge and tell the contestants that they need to do something that expresses their own vision without fucking with the Kenneth Cole aesthetic.  Thank you, Eva.  You can head back to your Bloody Mary Brunch, now.  Everyone seems really inspired (even Anthrax!), and that’s saying a lot considering Brian has an oversized cardigan to work with.

Not kidding.

Everyone heads to Mood, and Madea decides to create a black clutch without any embellishment whatsoever to show the judges that he was listening to them.  I feel like it’s less “listening” and more like “following blindly,” but I can’t say I blame him.  I also think if you’re going to the man who created the following hat to “edit,” it might just be for your own personal amusement.

Darn right it was personally amusing!

Diego, for his part, is making something, but I don’t really care what it is.  What I care about is that he minces in that au-wesome accent of his that he’s a very successful handbag maker and that “mines are way better than Kenneth Cole.  It’s true!”  Now I haven’t seen enough of either’s work to judge, but I have a feeling Diego’s going to walk down the wrong dark alley and take a black leather messenger bag to the face when he least expects it…   I just think it’s a bad idea to say you’re better than one of the judges, you know, where they can hear it.

As for Brian, he’s not making any friends (of course, he’s not there to do that) because he insists upon sanding (or whatever) a giant unicorn penis as an accessory to his clutch.  This creates a crapton of dust and noise that starts to piss off a lot of the other designers.  Dust is apparently everywhere (all over the clothes, in people’s eyes) and after being asked nicely to stop, Brian refused  Or, someone asked Brian to stop winning the competition by being super-awesome and using tools and methods no one else can seem to, and he refused.  I’m kind of going for the latter.  Christina thinks he was exceptionally rude in his refusal to give a shit about how uncomfortable everyone was, and I can’t say I disagree, but I wouldn’t have wasted my own time bitching about it, either.  I would have put on a mask and tossed a plastic bag over my look way before any of these guys did.

Silly.  Every part of this is silly.

Commercial!  We return from commercial to more people passive aggressively bitching about Brian, and to him still not giving a flying fuck.  Eva shows up, checks out the unicorn penis and just can’t say enough about it.  She loved it!  It excited her!  She can’t put it down!  Heeheehee…

As for Diego, he needs to something more fucking interesting than what he’s been doing, and I hope he fucks up his clutch.  I’m a little tired of Chiwhiner.  He’s been around waaaaay too much this episode.  Eva once again tells Anthrax to work with metal and once again, this inspires him.  I wonder if it’s as easy to manipulate Anthrax as it is to inspire him.  I wonder if he’s on Match.com…

Finally, Madea keeps walking riiiight toward the outcome I’ve predicted for him.  He shows Eva his edited clutch and she’s all, “Too much, where’s your personality?”  Knew it.  Fucking knew it.  I hope he can pull a drag-queen rabbit out of a sequined top hat…  Commercial!

The next day, everyone appears to be in a better mood i.e. not hating on Brian anymore.  In addition to the unicorn clutch, Brian’s going to do a take on an updated bolo, and Anthrax, similarly is doing lariats.  Well, maybe those aren’t similar, but they both exist in the “western” portion of my brain, soooo yeah.

The models head in, do a little fitting, and then head off to some salon whose name escapes me, and there’s some product made by said salon featured.  I think it’s a mascara brush for the back of the head.

With that, time’s up and it’s time for the Rrrrrrrunway!  Interestingly, everyone is so excited to be doing this challenge that they’ve all created things they’re in love with.  Not one person is freaking out and they’re all pretty confident in what they’ve made.  Not everyone is walking out thinking they’ll win, but I think it’s the first episode in which no one’s freaked the fuck out.  I like a design competition that has less freakouts the closer the show gets to the finale.  Ideally this would be because those who can’t handle the heat have gotten out the kitchen, and it lends to the sincerity of the show.  Thumbs up.  Commercial!

We’re back and it’s time for the show.  Let’s meet the judges!

I love and hate this.  That means it’s fashion.

I swear I’ve seen him blink exactly four times on this whole show.

Not Rosario Dawson.

Legendary activist.

Time for judgy-wugy time!

Anthrax: Purse is boring, but I luuuurve the necklace.  Damn.

And edit, he did.

Earrings = copout.

Yup, that’s a great purse.

Love the earrings, but they are MASSIVE.

Same gorgeous shit, different day.

The judging is a little harsher than expected.  Anthrax, Madea and Diego are in the bottom.  Ariel thinks Anthrax’s bag is better constructed than the one he didn’t finish two weeks ago, but that’s not saying much.  Alexa Chung likes his crazy dangerous necklace made of glass shards, and so do I, frankly.  This whole ensemble reminded me of why I liked Anthrax before he started being such a bitch.

Madea’s bag sucks all around – it’s too embellished for Alexa Chung, Ariel thinks it’s unfinished in some areas and Mims thinks the snake chain he used all over his jewelry is a little two years ago, which is pretty fucking ironic coming from her.  Just sayin’…

Christina’s really excited to tell everyone about her look, but damn if she doesn’t keep saying things like “I made A Interesting enclosure.”  Consonant vowel consonant vowel, people.  I don’t care for her bag, what with it being really 80s and all, but the judges love her.  Who don’t they love, though?  Diego!!

No one likes his bag, and it’s a chorus of, “You’ve done way better,” as Kenneth Cole stares daggers at him.  Also, the amazing awesome earrings he made look (and are) ridiculously heavy, and I’m here to tell you Gasmii, that I’ll wear shoes that are too small/big and jeans that are millimeters away from a change purse for the sake of a look, but heavy earrings are a no-no.  Think about your lobes being breasts and what hanging weights off of them would do.  Ouch/Gross.

But so cute!!!  Tragic.

As expected, everyone fucking loves Brian’s entire look, and I don’t disagree.  What I do disagree with is the fact that he refers to his unicorn horn as a “faux horn.”  Homey, if you’d sent whale tail earrings down the runway, no one would have needed to be told they were not actual whale tails.  Same with unicorn horns.

Nina’s in the same boat, mostly, minus a minor necklace complaint from Ariel, and we head to commercial.  Time for deliberation.

When we get back, the deliberation is pretty much what we’ve heard before.  It’s clear that it’s between Brian and Nina for the win, and Anthrax and Madea for the loss.  Diego still gets negative reviews, but it’s clear that he’s not going anywhere this week.  Kenneth admits that from week to week, it becomes clear how unrefined he can be, which does not make things look good for his chances.  Ewwwww…

The designers return and Mims announces the winner right then and there – Brian!!!  Yaay!  His products will be sold in Kenneth Cole’s stores and all the proceeds will go do AIDS research.

Hope you didn’t mind working for free!

Nina leaves right after Brian, followed closely by Christina and Anthrax, and we’re left with a very obvious bottom two: Madea and Diego.  Guess who goes home?

Pffft…

Diego’s done too much good work, and his final look was still better executed than Madea’s, so that’s that.  Ugh, sad.  Why is it especially sad this week?  Because in his closing interview, he is incredibly grateful for the platform and opportunity he’s been given.  Finally, someone who finds a way to express how awesome it is to be on TV for six weeks showcasing work that otherwise might have gone unseen for a much longer time.

Miss you, Gurl.

Next week, double elimination, Brian fucks up and everyone’s happy about it.  Looks gooood: