Project Accessory Recap

Check out the minicap for a catchup!

Helllllooooooo, Gasmii!  So exciting this recap – brand new show, brand new show that does NOT suck!  As I said in the minicap, I wasn’t super-jonesed to do this show, but after seeing the first episode we are on like Donkey Kong.  I don’t know, I just love watching people make stuff.  And I’m a girl, so I love, love, love watching people make PRETTY stuff.  And let me tell you – the stuff they make (with one or two exceptions) is sooooo pretty.

I hereby promise that that is the girliest I will get during this episode, because while the contestants on “Project Accessory” do make beautiful things, they are also champions of badassery.  They weld pieces of metal, they cut wires, they rip and hammer and… rip some more, and NOT one of them says the word “leathah.”  One woman comes close, but I’ll forgive her because she has kind of a great breakdown mid-episode.  That promises massive meltdown later in the season, and what’s reality television without a liiiittle drama?  PBS, that’s what.  Let’s get started.  Okay, the opening is kind of lame – it’s a lot of Molly Sims talking intensely about the

JUDGES.

The only people I recognize are Kenneth Cole and Debra Messing, but I have a feeling the latter isn’t a regular.

Then she’s onto the contestants and

WHAT THEY MAKE.

Finally it’s a lot of drivel about how it’s not your everyday Runway show (WINK WINK), and the contestants fiercely hold up their

SHOES!

HANDBAGS!

NECKLAAAACEESS!!!

Oh, and Eva Lorenzatti is the mentor – she’s gorgeous, but I haven’t heard of her, so that’s all the dependable insight I can offer.  
So yeah, it’s a liiiittle too intense, but so are all the Bravo intros.

Remember how goofy that dirt in the skirt looked?

Onto meeting the portion of the 12 contestants that will be relevant this episode.  First up – Nina Cortes!  It took her a long time to “accept” that she was a designer.  The only design school she went to is located in her head, and that’s where her skill and inspiration comes from.  She’s 26, still lives with her parents and her boyfriend is in the same position.  She’s excited for the opportunities the competition will bring because she can’t wait to start her life.  Just as I was about to roll my eyes and hurl a “Bitch, get a job, get a studio apartment and start your life withOUT the help of a game show,” they showed pictures of her work.

Eeeee!!!  Live with your parents all you want, just send some of that shit to me.

Next up, Madea: Baltimore Division.

Adrian Dana, Ladies and Gentlemen.

He makes church hats.

Specifically THESE church hats.

I have a feeling he’ll go just far enough, if you know what I mean.

David Grieco from LA went through a traumatic, traumatic period during which he played Division 1 Football for Alabama, probably snagging a free trip to college before he realized he was only playing the sport for the approval of his father.  He gave it up (or just graduated) and decided to become a jewelry designer instead.  No word on the paternal approval, so I’m betting Dave’s dad wasn’t impressed enough with his son’s gumption to get excited about all the free belt buckles that were going to find their way under future Christmas trees.

Nicolina Royale is a rock and roll jewelry designer, but anyone who counts Mylie Cyrus and Kim Kardashian as part of their rock and roll clientele is probably rocking a fake last name and some serious insecurities.

Well, her facelift does.

Rich Sandemeno hammers a lot with a mallet, and he lives in LA.  He used to be a diesel mechanic (or in laymen’s terms, a mechanic), but now designs (men’s, I’m assuming) jewelry. He’s also into Poison – the band.  I’m not putting up a picture so everyone who doesn’t get that joke will have to Wikipedia.org in shaaaame.

Diego Rrrrocha has a name will sound with a rolled rrr and a Spanish trumpet in my head every time it appears on the screen because everyone’s a little bit racist.  That is all.  Oh, he’s from Chicago.

And, oh!  What have we here??

Someone to hate right off the bat!

Reason 1: Her name is Shea and her company is called Shameless, and I have a feeling she thinks this makes her clever.
Reason 2: Her company is called Shameless because she’s a little bit bad AND  little bit good.  Shut the fuck up, Shea.  You are all bad, don’t let anyone tell you differently.  
Reason 3: She announces that she’s from Los Angeles, CALIFORNIA.

I know what state Los Angeles is in, you asshole.  And those earrings are pretty Forever 21 for someone on this show.

Then come Kelly, James, Corice, Brian and Christina Caruso.  Christina’s our last bio of the day, and by far the most interesting.  I think she’s from Los Angeles, TX or something, but I’m not sure.  I’m not sure because her work was discovered by PATRICIA FIELDS and was prominently featured on Sex and the Fucking City.

A) Say what you want about that goofy-ass show, but those ladies looked expensive.

B) Bitch looks good for her age.

The contestants fake hug, kiss and  meet and greet before checking out the gifts on their bed.  This is why I would do terribly on a show like this.  I’d bypass all the new “people” and head straight from the present.  Another reason I would do terribly on a show like this?  I’d figure out that the jeans and white t-shirt inside the present weren’t for me to wear but to design around, and that the note telling me to meet outside the apartments signed “M,” wasn’t from Madonna.

Or Tyler Perry.  Sorry, Adrian.

The contestants head outside to a party bus that takes them to an old storage unit in a Jersey warehouse district.  If that’s not a party bus bait and switch, I don’t know what is.  And I’ll be damned if MADONNA is not standing outside that old storage unit when the designers get off the bus!

Eh, I was headed that way anyway.

Everyone oohs and aahs over Miss Sims as I IMDb her to see if she’s done anything relevant besides model and host this show.  
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1606634/  Oh, and LAS VEGAS.  You decide.

The challenge is, of course, for the designers to race into the storage unit, grab as much crap as they can, and then make stuff out of it.  It’s the like the Runway Fabric Race Challenge.  Or the Runway Pet Shop Challenge.  Or the Runway Grocery Store Challenge.  Hint: the draw of this show isn’t going to be in its originality, but more in the ability of its contestants to kick the asses or bind the hands of any other contestant on any other Bravo show save maybe “Top Design.”

And they’re off!

Adrian’s considering a voodoo doll ensemble.

Rape and pillage, rape and pillage, that is.

Back at Studio NYC which is the workplace outfitted with Swarovski embellishments, massive worktables and a bunch of awesome machines.  I’ll bet when they walk into this workroom the artists feel like the lesser Housewives on RHBH when they went to Adrien’s Personal Spa Spa Day.

There are a few more interviews with contestants we haven’t met yet, and aside from this “fine artist” up to his ears in stuffed animals and ice skates, everyone is freaking out about how to transform the crap into notcrap.  Kelly, in particular is freaking out, but she’s “competitive,” and “going to win,” so… yeah.  Noooo reason to worry about Kelly.

Aside from the fact that she can’t seem to decide if she wants to eat the leaves or smash the leaves.

The gayest gay on the show might as well be straight by Runway standards.  James is a shoe designer and he’s into a “sick high heel.”  His only failing is that he likes Shea’s shoes and thinks she’s hot.  But the way he talks about what her shoes do to her calves… Whew.  I think I might have a fetish.

And now, I know you can’t tell from what she looks like:

But her facelift is freaking out.

Commercial.

We return to one of the montages that made me love this show.

Whoa.

That’s a shoe!

Yowza!!!

 

Brian is doing a Mad Max, post-apocolyptic meets runway look, and he maaay be overthinking it.  He’s feeling good, though.  Cotrice’s hands are killing her because she’s made like, a million of something called “jump rings” for a chandelier necklace that looks like something I would wear nude.  To bed.  And Gasmii!  Do you know what jump rings are?   Because I didn’t until I saw them!  Just like on Runway when Runway was good and I looked at a hem and called it a hem!  It’s so nice to be learning new things again.

We head back to Nicolina’s freakout which has progressed to a facelift gently weeping as she tries to scrabble togethah some leathah for her stuff.  Shea falls further in my estimation by squeaking out that Nicolina could use some yoga.  Nicolina probably does yoga, you Twit.  She’s just smart enough to know that no amount of breathing, stretching and omming will ever truly erase the stigma of being the first person sent home on the pilot episode of a new show.

Oblivious people suck.

Then it’s time for some mentoring!!

By someone who is as uncomfortable on television as Tim Gunn is next to David Arquette.

She encourages people and encourages other people less so.  She’s really, really uninteresting (which is to take NOTHING away from her professional accomplishments or her desire to possibly send me free things for giving her publicity), and only manages to freak out everyone all the more by constantly pointing out that time is running out.

Nina looks like she’s making some beautiful pieces:

But she’s feeling the burn.  Cotrice, who was advised by Eva to tone down the belt that was made to go with the elaborate chandelier necklace, REFUSES to do so, and I think she might be a sneak-attack send off.  She’s already acting too good for the competition.  Commercial!
It’s Day Two, and despite her talent, Nina’s gittin’ on ma NERVES.  She’s “convinced [she's] going home,” and if she is, “it’ll destroy her.”  Who here thinks Nina may have grown up with some money…?  Cotrice, for her part, is still all about her flashy-ass look, and since her chandelier necklace is over the top, she’s decided to make her corseted belt over the top as well.  Cotrice, if I’m willing to wear it naked, you’ve found the star of your show.   Don’t upstage it with a corset.  Just don’t.  I like you.

Nicolina seems to have gained her confidence back a bit and hits the ground running, making a necklace out of netting and weaving strings of fabric into it.  Bryan “Fine Artist” Burkhardt likes it even after she calls him a pedophile, but Nicolina calls his look vomit.  I smell reunion fodder!!

Eva comes in and introduces the models, and the designers have two hours to work with them, the Bluefly ACCENT wall and then send them to John Frieda.  This goes pretty smoothly for the most part considering these models can’t be those bullshitting assholes that always seem to lie about their measurements on Runway.

We get a look at Diego’s look, but it seems like the t-shirt is sort of the star of the show…

With that, it’s onto the RUUUUUUUNWAY!!!  I’m a gut-reaction runway-ist, so that’s how this portion of the recap’s gonna go from here on out.  Enjoy!

Ooooh…

Mmmmmkay…

Furry…

I DON’T hate her work.

You go, Grieco!  Pointy!

Those are matchsticks on the ring.  Cool.

Octopi…

I mean, if you want to look like Galadriel on the town…

Might as well be styrofoam. Christ.

It feels like denim.  I don’t hate it.

I’m pretty sure I have that belt.

Whew!  Mims sends six of the contestants off the stage and the remaining designers are the best and the worst, duh.   Nina’s AMAZINGness passes with flying colors, mostly because Kenneth Cole seems to really like the fact that an anorexic model could wear the belt before and after dinner because it’s adjustable.  Man’s practical.

James, of course and regrettably, turns everyone off with his hideous, HIDEOUS belt and necklace.  I’m pretty sure this is what I thought was fab and stylin’ at age five.  I like that Diego does well and I like that we share the same taste, but I’m still not impressed with the fact that she looks like an African Princess that shops at Coldwater Creek.  The bag blows Debra Messing away, and I agree, but still.  Blah.

Cotrice gets the review that we all knew she would – great necklace, but everything else blows and it’s too much.  The corset really is heinous, but it’s still not as bad as the hula belt.

Everyone likes Brian’s look, despite my protestations, but I’d still be happy to see him go on.  He’s can make shit.  Surprisingly, I liked Nicolina, but I agree with the judge’s assessment that the look is ho-hum and too understated.  Mims sends the designers and models away and lets them know that five of them will be in and one of them will be out.  Boy Runway’s just franchising the shit outta ever-thang, aren’t they…?  Commercial!

The judges deliberate and it’s more of the same – “Yay! That person made great things out of trash!” or “Boo!  That person made trash things out of trash.”  Mims and Messing like Bryan’s work, but Kenneth Cole doesn’t.  He agrees with me that the dude does have talent, though, so I’m pretty sure he’s safe.  Nicolina went pretty boresnore for a rocker designer, but hey, if you’re designing for Miley Cyrus, there are SOME boundaries.  Everyone likes Nina and no one likes James or Cotrice.

And it’s Nina for the win!!!  Yay!  Now that I’ve seen her look, I’m not yet prepared to hate her more than Sheamless.

The bottom comes down to Nicolina and Cotrice, and DAMN if I’m not right.  Sneak attack elimination – Cotrice.  I’m sorry, but there is no way her monstrosity was more monstrous than James’ Hawaiian BS.  I mean, please, that girl has a frigging pipe cleaner around her waist.  Tigger would have attacked the TV.

Thanks for playing, Folks!  I’ll have the next minicap/recap up a loooot faster now that I’m not living at work because of Halloween.  Oh!  What’s your favorite Halloween Accessory?  Mine were spiderweb earrings.  Comment away!!