Previously on Project Runway All Stars, a piece of toast got split ends, …
Ding! She’s ready! Seriously. She’s ready. Someone get her out of the toaster before she…too late.
…Austin Scarlett O’Scare used ribbon and horizontal stripes to further him down the path of being a drag king, …
Remember when androgyny used to be cut and dry?
… and Guest Judge VonToast crowned Chunk the winner in the second fat themed challenge in a row.
Close your mouth. You didn’t win a wedding cake.
We open this week in Central Park, where some kids are about to enter some sort of alien force field pod or some shit.
They’re heeeere! Who cares? The world ending doesn’t mean we can’t spend the rest of the hour concentrating on terrible clothes and fake mustaches.
The only one who looks terrified is, of course, the ever wide eyed Angela HideMe Lindvall.
AAAAH! Aliens! Grass! Trees! Children! Sun! Air! Cue cards! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!
The challenge is to use a muse to create something not horrible. Mila scans the park with her cross eyed Boris and Natasha glare, sure she’ll win this the second Bullwinkle shows up.
Tumult inspiiiirrres me, dahlink.
The muse will have to be somewhere in the park, and they’ll have to convince the sucker to give them the clothes off their back. I predict Scarlett will run straight to the Brambles and steal the leather chaps and dog collar right off a horny German tourist.
Flamíngay Anthony is super happy about this one, because “I’ve taken sooo many daggers for havin’ a personality,” and now his personality will help him get terrible patterns to fold into bizarre shapes. Who’s been mean to him for having a personality? Girl, your personality is what keeps you on this show. And your adorable thirteen year old budding breasts, of course. Puberty is one of those human experiences that unites us all.
Janky Janx can’t believe it. She wears other people’s clothing all the time, but it’s usually thrown away first. Jerell the hobosexual raises his hand and asks if scarves from trash cans count. No. SadwhylieIneedabeer horns. My prediction about horny Scarlett seems to be coming true. At least that’s what his boner says. Tape that shit down, boygirl!
I’m not signing for that package until I know wth it is.
Mila runs right up to the first person she sees in color blocked clothes. LOL!! She’s smart. Can’t wait to to see what she’s gonna do with the bandanna collar.
Flamíngay notices that Mila has suddenly found a personality. Flam is always himself! Yes, Mila’s personality is questionable. But chances are, it won’t get her beat up in a frat bar.
You inspire me to make a hairy milk carton with fingerpaint on it. Now strip.
Flam pitches stripping to a farm lady working the market easily, and she’s thrilled to meet someone from TV. And possibly her first black person. She looks territhrilled.
Oprah, you’re so much more energetic in person. GIVE ME A MINIVAN!
Not surprisingly, Kenley and Rami can’t get anything. Kenley says people are literally scared of her. LOL. Hobosexual tries, but people just throw cigarette butts at him and snarl “GET A JOB.” Chunk is depressed. Mostly that it’s the first challenge in awhile that hasn’t revolved around calories. Poor guy. He’ll probably make a big hot dog or a bag of scented nuts.
Kenley finally finds someone wearing a fifties looking blouse and begs her for it. Hobo is right behind her to work his magic in case she fails.
Kenley’s bored mom muse is wearing black and white stripes. Scarlett’s poor person muse is wearing black and white stripes. Mila’s tranny color blocked muse is wearing black and white stripes. Mondo’s Asian muse is wearing black and white stripes. Jesus. The producers are actually making an effort to come up with creative challenges this season and these fuckers are still gonna end up making the same thing over and over again. I would just ask Mondo for his shirt. It’s frightening and hilarious at the same time, which is a recipe for a WIN!
Why is your shirt decapitating you?
I think Mondo’s the first person to ever ask this girl to take her clothes off.
I’m happy to report that Janky is finally earning her keep with this challenge.
Wedding bells ring when Chunk finds his girl. I don’t know what he plans on doing with this, but if he’s planning on making some amazing strained yogurt, he’s on the right path. He says “bells were ringing. Chickens were hatching. Jesus came back.” HAHAHA
You’ll like, give me like money for this? It’s a holey sock I picked up off the floor and threw on. But yay like me like!
Flamíngay has a bag full of clothes, so he has time to beat Janky in the hot guy race. Poor Janky can’t even win in that game.
Finally. All this working out has led to something good happening in my life. WHERE’S MY MINIVAN!?
Woops. Sorry. I pressed pause too soon. This guy is hot, but his underwear is a warning that he’s not healthy. Unleaded would be a much safer choice.
How do people look like this? HOW?! Scarlett got the hunk’s phone number. I hope we get to see him dial it and find out it’s the number to the free clinic.
The designers head over to mood. Hobosexi isn’t buying one piece of fabric. He found some thrown away underwear, a Gelson’s plastic bag, and a stained bra in the park dumpster and using anything else would be heresy on a “Use What You Dig Out of the Trash” challenge. Buying new fabric “would be puttin’ your baby in a bear trap. Why would you do that?” To trap a bear? Cuz babies are expensive? Cuz I couldn’t afford an abortion? I don’t know. What an odd question.
Janky gets three dollars from her fellow competitors to check out. Is that fair? Dramatic music is playing so I feel like I should care. Back at the workroom, Mondo tells us this challenge is right up his alley because he always shops from thrift stores. I find it hard to believe, don’t you?
The real shock is that any of this was bought first hand.
Flamíngay is making hot pants. No one seems to get it. We do, though, because what the hell else would he make to honor this muse?
Chunk has been all positive and fun because he’s been winning. Today he’s back to his mopey self. He’s realized he’s stolen a doily off a bimbo and he doesn’t even have a decent milkshake to set down on it.
I shoulda just gone wit da hot dog idea.
The next morning, Hagatha Coffee comes in to check on progress. Central Park is her fave place to find inspiration. Just look at the joy on her face as she thinks about it.
She starts off with Mondo and asks him fascinating questions like “Can you win this?” Unfortunately, she fails to ask why he’s got a lockbox over his belly button. I’m sure there are some really dark stories there that would bring some tears.
Free the lint!
Hobosexual’s muse had a plastic cup half full of nickels and boobs down to her knees, which has inspired him to make a Matador Bikini. I wish the muses had to wear these outfits.
Hagatha saunters over to Scarlett and snarls “Who on EARTH would give YOU theiah clothes??!?!?” HAHAHAH! It’s all in the glued on mustache, hon. Try it.
Flamíngay is having major trouble with his piece. Hagatha is having trouble understanding what the fuck he’s saying. You know she got back into the elevator and immediately googled “beezeeness”.
Chunk is all whiny and mopey, and his creation is pretty sad. He needs to buck up and just pretend they’re all food challenges. Yes, technically it’s about finding a muse, but there’s no reason he couldn’t find someone in a shirt the color of a tootsie roll and just gone with that.
The models come in for fittings, and Scarlett says that Hobo’s work is the most tasteless thing he’s ever seen in his life. LOL. Coming from the man in Justin Bieber hair and an ascot. That said, he’s not wrong.
Hobo thinks he’s gonna win. LOVE THIS SHOW. Flamíngay has only come up with crap after crap after crap, so he starts all over and finally gets somewhere. It doesn’t seem to make him feel better, though, cuz the next morning he is ready to strangle Kenley. “If a black person says you too loud, you too loud.” HAHAHAH! Cut to Kenley squealing and screaming and cackling. Turns out she’s trying to clear the room so she can finish Janky’s pants with no one looking.
Chunk runs right into the sewing room to tattle tale to Mila, who of course gets pissed. She doesn’t like that Kenley is walking around the room giving everyone advice. I like it, though, because it means Kenley’s finally coming out of her c word shell! YAAAAY! The return of Petty Page! Montage of Petty giving everyone her unrequested cents. The best part is “If he disrespects you, throw a cat in his face.”
Hair and makeup time! YAY! SMOKE BREAK!
Time for the runway! The guest judge is Sean Avery: hockey player and Vogue intern. Huh? When did hockey players stop beating people up? This guy should be missing all his teeth. Teeeerible plugs, but love the glasses. Flamíngay starts making fun of him right away.
Chunk is up first with a nice comfy pair of pajamas for Wonder Woman. Linda Carter sleeps too, people.
He’s given his model a tragic ass, which I always approve of.
Scarlett O’Scare looks like the sling twink appetizer at a leather daddy Sunday brunch.
Make sure you try the fritters when they’re done group fisting you, ya freak.
His work is very Jackie O, if she’d been a biker bitch. I was kidding about him running to the brambles and ripping the leather off a public sex loving muse, but I wasn’t far off.
Janky’s pants look nice, so thanks Kenley! The rest not so much. You should never send your model down the runway in a boob sling, no matter how much pain said boob is in. Fashion eats the weak. Ok they don’t eat them. Hate them?
Not sure what Mila was going for. She’s got her black and white thing again, but the sloppy t-shirt and ill fitting vest? Why? The tranny looked better. The leggings are for people who want to work out but keep falling down. Built in kneepads are an idea no one should get behind. Well, maybe Scarlett.
Hobosexi’s work looks like a casino merger.
Rami’s blouse is pretty because it’s draped, but he can’t seem to do much else. He used to make such cool things. It just further proves my point that working out makes you less talented.
Kenley has made another fifties secretary wishing she were a housewife dress.
Flamíngay’s piece is a vast improvement on what he had to begin with, but it’s still bad. I don’t know who taught him the “fold every piece of fabric you can” technique, but they should be reprimanded. Her waist looks like a towel rack. Is that a swimming cap?
An homage to Heidi’s birth canal.
Mondo turned his dork’s dress into skorts and added a jacket made from stuff he bought from mood. Weak! Like the VonToast hair, though. Too bad she’s not here tonight.
The jacket opens to reveal a bikini top. I’d show you, but I figure no one reading these recaps cares about boobs. Well, except itchy. Sorry itch! They were mosquito bites, if that helps.
Chunk, Scarlett, Mondo, Flamíngay, Hobo and Rami are kept on the runway. Hobo didn’t escape!! I can’t believe it. Maybe it just needed some plastic jewels glued to it. His work is bad, but it’s not worse than any of the other dreck he’s walked this season. The judges start with Rami. They compliment his pushups.
No one’s loving Chunk’s slutty look. Eyesack says that Hobo’s model looks like she should be in the Lion King. HA. He adds that the model looks like she has a big unsexy stomach. Hockey says that’s mean and then adjusts his balls. Mondo’s work is loved. Even the zitty back showcase.
It’s time to stop being ashamed of steroid use.
They even love the giant vagina tribute.
You gotta love that the vagina points to the cornhole. Gay guys.
Flamíngay’s work is called beautiful, but he didn’t use enough street clothes and kinda ignored the challenge. Scarlett’s look is a bit over done, but still good.
In alone time, the judges repeat themselves a bunch, but Hobo’s look is called exciting. HAHAHAHAH! WHAT?!?!? Mondo wins!! The bottom two are Chunk and Flamíngay. NOOOOO! I’m upset either way. Flam’s out!! On a personality challenge! WHY GOD WHY?!?! So sad. Chunk fake sobs like a Housewife, and Flam consoles him by being grateful for his fabulous shoes. LOL. On his way out, he says he’ll miss being here and is kinda sad that his goal of not forever being known just as the woman who gave her entire audience free mini vans wasn’t reached, but he’ll continue folding and smiling. I’ll miss you, buddy!
Next week, the Hobo of all people accuses someone of stealing from him. Is it a cardboard box challenge? See you then!
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