Project Runway Recap: Piggy Takes Chunkhatten

Previously on Project Runway All Stars, Mila continued to rally against the labor practices at Fantastic Sam’s by insisting on cutting her own bangs with kindergartener scissors,…

Some old woman with good skin sent Oil of Olay’s stock price skyrocketing,…

…and Sweat P was kicked out of NYC, shipped to the country, and flayed to be used as wall paper in a really pasty HoJo’s.

I laugh every time the opening comes on. These designers all got national exposure showcasing their skills once, and probably honestly wonder why they still can’t find anyone to take them seriously.

Angela I’ll Never Be Heidi, or HideMe for short, comes out on the runway looking as shocked and awed as ever.

The birds! The birds! We’re all gonna diiiiiiie!

The challenge will be to create a look for one of the most famous fashionistas in the world. Chunk almost poops himself, somehow psychically knowing it’s gonna be a fat chick.

Please say Paula Deen. I’ve been creating dresses that represent diabetes for over a decade.

Austin Scarlett O’Scare tries to guess. Madonna! GaGa! Cher! Jesus Christ, Scarlett. The challenge is about a fashionista, not your iTunes playlist, ya queen. I hope Barbra’s not watching. She finds out she didn’t make it to third place on your fagito burrito list of stereotypical gay icons, she’ll have you black balled. Oh God. Now you have a boner. Please just pay attention to the challenge, Austin!

Enough guessing! Today’s guest is Miss Piggy!!!!!!!!!

Legend of Fagger Vance

Miss Piggy is coming out in a brand new film with The Muppets! Well, new on DVD…way to stay current guys. Next week maybe you can have a myspace challenge. Speaking of staying current…

Iz id yezterday yed?

Anthony Flamíngay says “they pullin’ talent out ouah toe nails, honey!” Huh? I don’t know what the fuck he’s saying, like, ever, but that’s part of his charm. That and the willingness to wear popped jean collars and show us his tonsils every time he’s on screen.

Miss Piggy’s gonna be a guest judge! LOL! I love that pig. Fat Bitch Heidi is gonna be furious that she’s been replaced by another fat chick! Chunk has always wanted to meet Miss Piggy. He’s so unabashedly excited that I’m not sure if he understands she’s not real. I have my fingers crossed that he’ll start bawling when he realizes she’s just a piece of felt with some old dude’s hand up her ass. You guys have more in common than you think, kid.

Mila doesn’t want to do anything costume-y. Let me guess. You’re gonna sew some rectangles together in a sexless tribute to the sixties. It looks like she’s planning on gouging out her model’s eye, so at least there’s a chance of Mila being interesting tonight.

Petty Page (Kenley) says that she loves Miss Piggy because she reminds her of herself. Excuse you. Piggy has taste, humor, and a man. Try again, Animal.

Druuuums! Druuuuuuuuuums!

The trip to mood is pretty uneventful and my mind starts to wander to that story in the news about the Girl Scouts kicking out the seven year old transgendered kid. Who the hell knows at seven years old that they’re not meant to be a boy? And then this comes on my screen and it all comes clear.

Gordana Beaverhausen notices that everyone else seems to be doing black structured pieces, but she wants to stick to what she does best. No, not slicing English into little mushy cute pieces. Making suggestive nightgowns for geriatrics.

Blanche Devereux: Gone but not forgotten. RIP, slut

Mondo gives Gordy props for a pretty dress, but it fits the challenge like that Italian bicyclist toddler hat fits his head. Janky Janx finds some pink gloves on the GLAD accessory wall that she wants to use, and from across the room Mondo says he wants them. Sorry biatch, she’s holding them already. He “lets her” have them, but is still pissed about it. He’s probably one of those people who insists you stole their parking space when they were two cars behind you. I hate those people. But for some reason, I don’t hate Mondo. Probably because he uses his time in the public eye to teach us all valuable lessons. For example, tonight he’s reminding us not to put anything in our mouth that isn’t wrapped.

It’s been a long time since I’ve had the pleasure of making a lollipop joke.

Weird porn music plays as Flamíngay stares at his dress form’s rack.

Most of the designers are psyched about the client being Miss Piggy, but of course Janky Janx looks like she’s about to have a very crease-y nervous breakdown. Mila also has trouble with it. On the one hand, she grew up with The Muppets. On the other hand, their body types don’t typically lend themselves to rectangular clothing.

Petty Page is convinced that Miss Pig would wear anything she’s created in the past, and knows that she’s gonna win this shiz. She’s using pink giraffe print, and wanders into the sewing room begging for Janky to compliment it. She does. “It’s seeeo beeeoootifulll! Miss Piggy is sixy!” Her words are sweet, but her face says she just saw a baby get run over by a MAC truck.

Trigidy

Mila is annoyed as f by Petty Page, and tells us that some people just need constant approval and high opinions of others. Mila doesn’t. Other things Mila doesn’t need: Two working eyes. An idea other than color blocking. Bikinis.

Hagatha Coffee comes in and angrily declares this the most exciting challenge IN PROJECT RUNWAY HISTORYYYY! Then she punches a whole in the wall and bites the head off a rat. She starts her critiquing with Gordana Muumuuhausen, who want do mage zumtheeng yousfool coze I notees da Peegy hass preedy lages. Pig does have perty legs, and they look suspiciously like Gordy’s. Without the dimpled knees. In a contest, Gordy would win this one.

I regret telling you this, but until your kneecaps can fold into a smile for the cameras, you will always lose in a smackdown against my Kneesmilehausen!

Hagatha listens to Gordy gush over her own dress, pauses, and then says it looks like a nightgown. How will she save it? Wayell, she’s going to work on her hems. Unfortunately, she pronounces it “hams”, and cooking the guests is against the rules. Hag doesn’t like that Gordy is going for comfort. As someone who shoots celebrities…woah Hag! It’s not confession time! She says that women will seran wrap themselves and double spanx their muffin tops to get into dresses. No one cares about comfort in fashion! Except Fat Bitch Heidi, of course, who did her last Marie Claire shoot with a pint of Schweddy Balls in one hand and a remote control in the other.

Mila is next up, and Hagatha compliments her bizarre tube dress. Miss Piggy could never wear that thing. Mila understands Miss Piggy is…well…a PIG, right?

You hand sausage casing to a pig and you’re likely to get a black eye.

Hagatha asks Petty Page how a pig would feel wearing giraffe print. LOLOLLL!!! I keep laughing because the next shot is this:

Scarlett O’Scare is, apparently, thrilled to death with Miss Piggy being the client. He totally understands her and has a lot in common with her. He peppers his sentences with bad French, he calls himself Moi, he’s into short slimy dudes who give him warts. They’re like sisters! If all else fails, he’ll play with her rack.

Hagatha doesn’t know whether to laugh at him or drown him to save him from the life of bullying he’s bound to live.

How many times a week do you get your ass kicked, foo?

Hagatha announces that there’s so much going on in the room that she’s beside herself. And both of her are very very very angry about life. Fitting time! Flamíngay takes time out of his busy schedule to diss Chunk’s dress. The only reason I’m even reporting that is so that I can show you what the hell Flam is wearing. He looks like a scab.

Chunk deserves it, though, cuz now he’s dissing Gordana Dietcokehausen’s nightgown. Leave her alone! Pigs want to sleep in pretty outfits too! Kenly and Janky are giving each other advice and being all girly with each other. It pisses Mila off. She just doesn’t understand this dynamic. It’s called “making friends.” Try it! It won’t help you win, but it would be nice for you to have another girl to tell you that your neon lipstick makes you look like a puppy killer.

Scarlett O’Scare, as usual, is flitting around worrying that he’s not gonna finish. Chunk, with glee, says that this is finally the day O’Scare will get kicked off. He has said that every week, and I hope he says it every week until he, Chunk, gets the boot. I totally get repeating yourself, though. For example, this can’t be the first time I’m pointing out that Chunk really needs to wear a bib. And a bra.

There’s a cute little scene of the designers at home laughing a lot. Unfortunately, it’s because Chunk is on the floor in the fetal position while everyone takes turns throwing a dodgeball at his head, but still. It’s nice to see people bond over something.

The next morning, Rami is worried. And he should be. I don’t even want to show you what he’s making yet because you should only have to look at something that bad once in your life. I wonder if Scarlett has ever been married. He seems to have an endless supply of “My Secretary Bought This For You After I Banged Her” guilt scarves.

Flamíngay is talking about how he’s been craving bacon. LOL. “I feel bad fuh all her cheeldren dat I eaten in da pass!” HAHAHAH! Scarlett warns him to watch his mouth, and sure enough, as Flam giggles, Gonzo flies in and splatters all over the front of his dress.

Janky is missing her pink gloves and a bracelet. She’s so worried about those gloves. I’m gonna laugh my ass off when she gets kicked off for those things. Miss Piggy has already worn those same gloves a zillion times. Scarlett O’Scare has them, and Janky argues that they were part of her pitch to Hagatha. Cut to her showing them to Hag and then leaving them on the GLAD wall. Um…you didn’t put them in your spot or pee on them so they’re not yours. Scarlett is nice though, so he gives her the gloves. And the bracelet. And his shoes. Jesus! There’s being nice and then there’s being a sucker, Scarlett! These people have already been on TV and read horrid things about their personalities, which has led them to be nice this time around. It’s really starting to piss me off.

Let’s move on to someone who can’t hide their terrible personality. KENLEY! She’s gonna win this one you guys! She should win all of them! April rolls her eyes and says it’s the same dress as always but with giraffe print. True. I wonder what original piece of blackness April’ll be putting out tonight. Yet he who has no sand in his eye be the first to sand things. Or whatever.

Runway time! HideMe comes out looking shocked and awed. Possibly because Scarlett is dressed like Zorro: The Gay Blade.

As if psychically knowing that the internet is raging with “she’s no Nina” comments, Georgina has showed up tonight with bed head. An homage! I’m sure Nina is at home smiling. And burping up baby parts.

EyeSack isn’t here today, so he’s been replaced by a thirty something year old twink who helped come up with all the terrible clothes that made Sex and the City famous. Now when you see one of those shitty plastic flowers on some hag desperate for a lay, you know who to blame.

Miss Piggy!! I have nothing bad to say about her ever, so I will just show you her picture so you have something to bow down to. Do it. RIGHT NOW!!!

Chunk is up first. His dress is kinda hideous, but it looks on purpose. He’s really practiced his sewing skills. Well done! Plus, the model can now receive digital channels for free.

April’s done an ode to the grackle. Fug. And is that model wearing bicycle shorts under that skirt so she doesn’t chafe? Leave the chola chic to Mondo, skank!

Jerell the Hobosexual has made another horrid hooker dress. But, like, the kind of hooker you only see in community theater musicals. Damn that’s ugly. You think Miss Piggy doesn’t take enough shit without walking around with hairy shoulders?

Alright, Janky Janx is officially in love with Kenley. She’s styled her model to just look like her. All that’s missing is thirty pounds and a terrible personality. Miss Piggy will hate this. A skin tight belly dress? Oh, Janky.

Pigs are slippery enough as it is.

Petty Page is up next. Her dress is the same as last week, but with a worse cut, a print, and a really big goiter hat.

Flamíngay’s splattered Gonzo dress was pretty before the accident.

Rami’s dress has a really fun gaudy strain of measles. It’s hard to look at. Then again, it’s kinda a nod to Baskin Robbins, which might please the pig.

Mila’s dress is kinda cool. Yes, she’s made it before, but still. Rose McGowan marries the Hamburglar.

Gordana Marlborohausen’s pink dress is plain but pretty. She should get a pass, at least. Considering what Rami and Kenley and the Hobosexual did.

Scarlett’s dress is robot slut chick. It looks like she swallowed a thin woman, so the pig could like that.

Mondo’s dress looks like cotton candy after you get spit on it. Is his model being played by Kristen Wiig? Love her.

Scarlett, Rami, Gordy, Petty Page, Mila, and Chunk are the tops and bottoms! How does the Hobosexual keep escaping? HOW? I get compassion for the homeless, but this is too much. Just throw a diet coke can at his head and get him the hell out of there.

Georgi thinks Scarlett’s dress is depressing. Twinky Guest thinks the bows will make Piggy’s hips look even bigger. Piggy looks pissed at that comment. HAHAHAH! She says that the bows might hurt her hula hooping. LOL! Scarlett argues that the bows will help keep up the hoop, and she has to give it to him. Finally, a judge I can get behind this season.

Gerorgie loves Rami’s hideous dress, and Twinky agrees. ??! He calls his hog couture. Piggy calls it tacky and garish and looks like a candy store exploded. And she loves it! Gordana She’sfuckedhausen opens by saying she loves the pig, but Georgie thinks it’s fug. Pig thinks it pretty, but not for her.

Chunk kisses some pig ass, and Georgie compliments his work with zero enthusiasm. Pig loves it.

No one gets how Mila’s work has anything to do with Piggy. Mila’s like um I don’t dress pigs. Georgie says no one wants to take pictures of a sad black dress on the runway. The Twink agrees, and Piggy says it only whispers her name. Georgie likes Petty Page’s dress but thinks the top is a bit janky. Twink thinks the hat is good to hide Piggy’s hideous ears. LOL. She likes the hat, though, cuz she can do her dishes with it. Please make her the new Georgie!

In alone time, the judges repeat themselves. Piggy agrees with Twink that Scarlett’s dress could have been used in Pigs in Space, and she doesn’t like the goth-ness of Mila. Or her dress. The nineties are over let’s just move on. Pig doesn’t know what giraffe print is supposed to say. LOL. The judges like Chunk’s work, but PIggy is offended by the leather. Twink comments on her ears and she hits him. LOVE

Chunk wins!! HAHAH! Yay!! How fucking fitting. Love this show so hard right now. Chunk is so excited that he opens his mouth wide enough to eat Kenley.

Watch out! That’s poison!

She hugs him and horsey laughs. She needs pants. The moles on her legs are making me uncomfortable.

Mila and Gordana Ohshitshebetternotgetkickedoffhausen are in the bottom. OH NO!!! Mila basically ignored the challenge altogether, so she’s safe! BULLSHIT!!!! NOOOOOO! GORDANA! I can’t make it through the season without you! She’s sweet about it. At least I think she is. I can’ see through my tears.

She says that other woman herr agche who give up day life forr day cheeldrayn, eet’s nayver too layde for aborshun. Jes, eet ees galled murrder avter day gum oud, but sometimes eet’s woorth eet. Amen, sister.

Hobosexual is one lucky bastard. What did you guys think? Was this fair? Sound off!
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