Basketweaving 101

Well now that the one hour Project Runway casting special is out of the way , its time to get down to brass tacks. Time for the show to start in earnest. Time for the backbiting and 1 AM sewing crunches. Time for the model fittings and for Tim’s takes. Time for Michael Kors being bitchy and rolling his eyes and Heidi to look radiant as she Auf Wiedershein’s a whole new season full of contestants. It’s time for even more product placement than before (Now added to the TRESemmé hair salon and the L’Oreal makeup room, is the Macy’s accessory wall. It’s only a matter of time before Tim starts walking around with a GoldenPalace.com hat on. And goddamit if he wouldn’t make it work). It’s time dear reader for Project Runway 3.
Now that we’ve all seen the casting special we have gotten somewhat familiar with our contestants, so the first few minutes of the show, where each one is introduced, is a bit rushed which is good. We want to get right to the action.

The first contestant to enter the loft is Malan. Which is Mandarin for “arrogant oily prick”. He was born in Taiwan you see. “Tie-waannn” as he puts it. He talks out of the corner of his mouth and has an evil laugh. Expect him to be around for a while before getting the boot. After we hear him complain about how fake flowers creates bad feng shui, he is met at the loft by Michael Knight, the hip hop designer. And boy is that an awkward introduction. Soon Robert and hippie Bradley join the party.

Next up is Laura Bennett, flat chested architect extraordinaire (I’m sorry, but the woman wears clothes that goes out of its way to accentuate the fact that she has the chest of a young Macaulay Culkin). In her small talk we here her saying that she never dresses down. “With 5 kids it’s a slippery slope to sweatpants and a minivan, so I just don’t go there”. Cut to Laura with her five ids stuffed in the back seat of a Miata screaming for their lives. But hey, she looks fab!

Then its time for Angela from Ohio. Or as she tells us “Quote unquote nowhere”. Wait, I thought when you did the “quote unquote” thing, what follows has to be an ironic statement? . Like “Barry Bonds hits home runs because he rubs himself down with quote unquote flax seed oil”. I mean, when I meet people I don’t say “Quote, unquote ‘Hello’ “. Although maybe I should start.

Laura is fascinated by the fact that Angela is from Ohio. “What do people do in Ohio. I’ve often wondered about it” she asks her as if Ohio is some alien world where people live underground and eat dirt. Although she probably wouldn’t like it at all. I hear parents actually put their kids in minivans and don’t leave them for months at a time to appear on reality shows. Can you believe that?

Net up its Stacy Estrella, the 40 year old with the 20 year olds hair. Then it’s the pageant guy Kayne from Oklahoma. And really, where else would you open a pageant dress shop that good old Oklahoma? Here we get yet another glimpse of his bio video where he makes his Mommie Dearest “No more wire hangers” joke. About as funny as someone doing an Austin Powers impression. God I, quote unquote, hate those people.

The next person to come to the apartments is giraffe necked “rock and roller” Jeffrey. And he instantly proves his rock and roll bona fides by jumping up and down on the bed. He’s a total hardcore shredder! Jeffrey tells us that he has a clothing store called “Cosa Nostra”. The Italian mafia must be thrilled about this. He is also planning on opening a shoe store called “Hamas” once the funding comes through. Jeffrey has designed for many famous rock stars so it’s somewhat of a mystery as to why he is on the show. At least it was until I remembered Chloe with giant flat screens showing PR reruns in her store all day smiling about how now she can “charge more”. Jeffrey however is more than just a designer. He’s also something of a comedy stylist. A talent he shows us when he goes to shake hands with Vincent but, Uh Oh! He was wearing a wacky hand buzzer! The joke was so lame even BRAVO made fun of him by putting a “wacky hand buzzer” freeze frame graphic onscreen. When the network that brought you Celebrity Poker Showdown thinks you’re lame, it’s time to just go away quietly. But he won’t. Instead he hands Vincent some binoculars with shoe polish in the eyepeice and tells him to check out the view. He can barely contain his snickering at the impending hilarity.

Then the “Cute girl” Alison shows up. And then Uli, who is from Germany. She is like the St. Pauli Girl when you’re sober. I would give her 5 dollars just to hear her say strudel. Next up it’s Bonnie, who designed for Serena Willliam’s ass. Then we get our hip young certified ski instructor. Katherine. Shes a light sleeper so as long as you don’t snore. Obviously she never heard a German snore.

Back in the guys room Robert sees a note pinned to the note board. He opens it and starts to read it. “Designers… You have all been voted off.”. Goddamit. Here I was all ready for another season of Project Runway that leads up to Fashion Week, and then we find out it’s actually a five minute long season. A giant practical joke, if you will. I mean all that anticipation and its over. What were they thinking? Oh wait. What was that? Let me rewind my TiVo I think I missed what he said after that. OHMIGOD! He said he was just kidding! It didn’t really say that! Holy shit Robert! DON”T DO THAT! God I totally thought you were serious. Boy is my face red. I tell ya we gotta be on our toes this season. It’s a bunch of tricksters. If Robert gives me a big can of nuts to open I am not falling for it. I will not get giant snakes all over me dammit! Between Roberts practical joke and Jeffrey’s hand buzzer its gonna be a comedy showdown. Seltzer bottles and banana peels at noon.

Punk’d!

No, what the note really says is to have all the designers join Tim and Heidi on the roof for a celebratory toast. Once all the designers get there they see a decidedly non pregnant Heidi (these must have been her rest months between children) and Tim Gunn. Tim tells everyone that he is just thrilled to be working with them. I am thrilled to here Tim tell people he’s thrilled. Now its time for champagne and some time to get to know everyone a little better. But Tim starts it off with a toast to season three. Then he gets all quiet, takes a sip and says “this ones for me” and then pours the rest out and says “and this ones for my homies”. Word.

as they all sip and mingle Vincent the crazy guy tells everyone about how he was “near death” the last time he was in fashion, and that he’s getting back into it. He even cashed out his 401k. He couldn’t handle the pressure you see. So he figured the best way to ease back into the fashion world was go on the serene, stress free environment of a competitive reality show.

We also get to hear Robert Best bitching about the time he worked with Isaac Mizrahi. “At times I wanted to drive a steak through his heart!” he squeals. Well in Isaac’s defense, the people at Target demand nothing less than perfection in their name brand fashion. You think they would let Isaac design some half assed gaucho with their label on it? Not for $6.99 they won’t. This isn’t some shitty Jaclyn Smith collection people. This is Target.

Next we see Stacey tell everyone her life history. And she of course follows the cardinal rule for all people who went to Harvard: Tell everyone you meet you went to Harvard. She even got to start her own dot com. www.chickengeorgerocks.com. Then she went into fashion and then finally reality television.

Well now that the small talk is over and everyone has had a chance to eat cheese and champagne on the Atlas apartment’s cramped roof. Oh excuse me, I mean penthouse. Heidi brings them all together. “Does everyone like your apartment?” She asks with a glint in her eye. Uh oh. Get ready for a shocker! Yep, its time for the first twist! They will have to create a piece using only the materials found… in their apartments! Tim then holds up the Project Runway Snakebite Kit which has been refurbished for this challenge to hold a pair of scissors, some pliers and a laundry bag. They have 15 minutes starting… now!

Now its time for our first mad rush of the season. Everyone races downstairs. Malan, from Taiwan, is just beside himself. “I was irritated that the materials would be bed sheets and interior fabrics. I myself prefer better quality fabrics.” he bitches. You know what I find irritating? His pronunciation of the word irritating.

As everyone frantically rips apart their apartments, we see Angela ripping apart some brown leather with some nice top stitching. Laura tells us that as long as she ahs fur, she can make “fabulousness”. Stacey meanwhile has been watching too many bad reality shows and decides to use a strategy of taking things she won’t use just to keep other people from getting them.

When Bradley, the resident hippie sees a big pillow he grabs it and rips apart the pillowcase exclaiming “aww sweet”. The white boring pillowcase is “sweet”. I don’t have high hopes for Bradley. This sets of Robert because that was his pillowcase that he brought here special. He even named it “Bubby”.

Meanwhile, Malan is still in the same state he was before. “It was sort of irritating to see how inappropriate people act” he smarms. Wow, second “irritating” from him in 2 minutes. That is so exasperating. Irksome even.

After their fifteen minutes are up its time to head over to the workrooms where all the contestants get down to work. Not long after that they are visited by Tim Gunn. He gathers all the people around and tells them that they have until 1 AM tonight to work, that they have each been assigned a model and their measurements are on their tables. Also whoever wins the challenge has immunity for the next challenge. And then Tim tells them to, as always, MIW.

Soon everyone is busy working. There are feathers flying around form the down comforters which prompts a round of bad feather jokes. Where’s the wacky buzzer when you need it? Keith tells us that he has never made a dress before, but it’s OK because he thinks he has the best taste of anyone there. That’s called runway smackdown.

Over on the other side of the workroom Stacey is having trouble with the sewing machine. It seems that her not having sewn in over ten years has had an adverse affect on her effectiveness on the show Project Runway, a competitive reality show that involves sewing together numerous pieces of women’s wear in a short period of time. Who knew?

At 11 PM Tim stops off, before his ritzy night on the town no doubt, and does his first walkabout of the season. When he looks at Vincent’s he tells him that his pockets are too cartoony. It’s the kind of outfit better suited for Darkwing Duck then a runway model. But Vincent digs it. He thinks it’s a crazy look and he loves it. And then he shows Tim his basket. Tim tells him that he doesn’t think the basket alone works. Then Vincent grabs some chains and ooohs like he just invented the bikini, or even, dare I say, the pubikini.

Over at Jeffrey, the man with the giraffe neck, Tim tells him that he thinks his big mess of a jacket is competing with his big mess of a dress. When Tim comes by Stacey’s workstation he just gives her that quiet pained look we’ve come to know so well. Even Stacey realizes that its not a “good Tim Look”. She is behind because she has abandoned the sewing machine and started to hand sew her piece.

Tim comes by Keith’s station where he is working with a big blue bedsheet . Tim tells him that he thinks the judges may point out that since the bedsheet is so close to real fabric, he really isn’t challenging himself. One of his diary interviews talk about how he doesn’t respect some of the designer judges styles. Our first schtick alert of the season. Because of Course the Fashion Director at Elle Magazine and A world renowned designer are just winging it. Listen, Michael Kors may not now the best way to apply a spray on tan, but he does know fashion.

Jeffrey says that when he looked around the room he thought everyone’s pieces was a blur of “remedial intermediate bullshit.” Hmm. Remedial I get, but intermediate? God that is so quote unquote irritating! When everyone gets back to the apartment they find out that…the place is still a mess. Harsh. BRAVO makes everyone practically sleep on the floor.

The Next morning we see them at 4 hours before the runway show. Jeffrey is looking forward to his model and the runway show because he looks at those aspects as “the cherry on the cake”. Man, what kind of remedial intermediate metaphor was that? Keith added a placement and ringlets at Tim’s instruction, but when he slept on it all he wanted to do was get rid of it. When will they learn? Never cross Tim.

Michael Knight is using coffee filters to create his dress. I like the look he’s getting from it and really like the innovation, but he’s been a blip the whole episode. Austin Scarlett covers his model with corn husks and is heralded as the next great thing, but MK gets nothing. Kayne comes by to compliment him by saying that “when you think of coffee and you think gross, but you look at this and think beautiful.”

A few minutes later Tim shows up. Since it’s the first runway he is going to give them the rundown. They have 3 hours left. Then its time for the L’Oreal makeup room, the TRESemmé hair salon, the Macys accessory wall and then if they get tired they can try one of Wendy’s new dollar menu items like the delicious chili and wash it down with a nice cool Pepsi.

Then, the models descend. Uli’s model looks at her dress and says in amazement “oh my god I would wear that!” Bonnie’s model has a boob problem. They keep falling out of her dress, so she decides to use lots of double sided tape to keep her fastened. Stacey’s dress is too sheer and she says she cant send iot down the runway as it would be “too provocative”, meaning we would get stray cooter shots. So she creates a last minute “coquettish” underwear on her extremely flat stomached model. She even sharpies in some hem lines.

Vincent meanwhile continues his descent into mental illness. Everyone is ragging on his ridiculous straw box that he is using as a hat. Especially now that he added chains to it. Uli says she was going to say something but he seemed so proud of it she didn’t have the heart. And its true, Vincent loves his little hat. He even lined the inside with tinfoil so as to make sure the government can’t scan your thought patterns.

Tim rounds them up and says its time for our runway show. “In fashion one day you are in, and the next day you are out.” Heidi tells our gathered designers. “There are fifteen of you know, 3 of you will make it to Olympus fashion week and one of you will be the winner of Project Runway“. Then she tells her what the booty is. A Spread in Elle magazine, a mentorship with INC: International Concepts Design (no Banana Republic this year?), A year of representation from designers management agency, the 2006 Saturn Roadster, and 100 grand to start their own line of clothes. Now lets meet our judges. Top American designer Michael Kors. Nina Garcia, and our guest judge is designer Kate Spade. Oh snap I dated a girl who wore Kate Spade! This episode is really gonna hit home!

Laura’s fur lined piece looked great to her. She was so happy in fact that she sad her “entire body was smiling”. Some of those smiles were vertical. Bradley’s looks like his model is wearing a sleeping bag, which of course, she is . Bradley tells us that he’s never had a piece go down a runway and he almost cried. Keith’s bed sheet dress looked fine, and he dismissed everyone slses as looking too costumey. Well, they were using coffee filters and straw hats keith, its not something they can control. Angela is another designer happy with her outfit. She was as happy as a “five year old on Christmas eve”. So she was happy, but not really happy otherwise she would have said Christmas morning.

Anyone up for s’mores?

The first person who didn’t like his piece was Malan. But he’s Malan and he loves everything he does so he just said he was afraid that “the art elements might be misperceived”. When Bonnie saw her dress she said that all she was thinking was “Oh my god I hope her boobs don’t fall out”. Take out the word don’t from that sentence and it’s exactly what I said sitting on my living room couch. What are the odds?

Katherine’s piece was a bunch of aqua blue plastic bags and a comforter. Then Michael Knight’s gross but not gross coffee filter dress. Then it was time for Vincent. And honestly, his piece wa a freaking mess. The huge cartoony pockets, the giant box on the womans head with chains wrapped around it. Even Kors gave it a confused look.

And don’t forget Jeffrey and his fabulous shooting feather bomb

After the runway show they bring all the designers onto the runway. Heidi then calls on the names of Alison, Bradley, Angela, Kayne, Milan, bonnie, Catherine, Michael and Uli. They all have made it to the next round. Heidi then tells them the rules. “The six of you remaining have the highest and the lowest scores. One will be made the winner, and one of you , vill be out!”

First up is Laura. Kors thinks her garment is chic and beautiful. He loves it. Then its time for Vincent. Heidi immediately says “I would have done without the hat. I have to say”. Well yeah you kind of have to, the woman is wearing a birdfeeder attachment on her head.

“With the hat you’re wondering how many drinks she’s had.” Well, looking at my handy dandy drink/stupid accessories ratio calculator, the answer is seven daiquiris. And if my calculations are correct if you add in a shot of Jaeger to that she would be sticking tampons in her nose.

Vincent, who professed his undying love for the hat an hour ago, is now backpedaling in earnest. “To be honest with you I was in question with the hat.” Yeah right. Well, sometimes less is more ” Heidi says. Yeah, if by less you mean “no basket hat” I mean it’s not like you can “tone down” something like that. It s a basket. On her head. With chains wrapped around it.

On to Keith’s. He says he was thinking two things. Gone with the wind and the Carol Burnett show. That you can look totally hot like Vivian Leigh did (shares the same birthday as me FYI), but he didn’t want it to be like Carol Burnett, who “looked like she was wearing a curtain rod”. Well, after going in my wayback machine I found out that in that sketch she actually was wearing a curtain rod Keith. In fact the curtain rod was the central part of the joke. Nina loves the buttons on the back. So much so that when she says she thinks its “adorable” her eyes actually roll back into her head.

FashionGasm!

Now it’s Stacey. They don’t like her models underwear is showing. And they all can see that her whole piece is unfinished. Kate spade thinks its messy and Kors says it doesn’t fit the woman correctly.

Robert. They love the back on Roberts’s piece. Kors says its very three dimensional. He thinks it’s charming.Jeffrey’s is a bit of a mess. Kors and Nina think the feather show on his runway model was distracting. The piece looks better without the jacket but the whole thing is confusing. Then Kors gives him the same warning about layers that they gave Santino last season. Don’t overdo it.

After the deliberations they bring out the contestants. They let Laura go and then announce the winner. It’s Keith. He won the challenge on his first dress. Kudos my friend. Then Heidi tells Robert that he is in and can leave the runway. And she then says the same thing for Vincent. Huh? Baskethead gets a pass? I smell reality show producers intervention. After all, we did find out that they do have a hand in the judging. I smell a rat.

It’s down to Jeffrey and Stacey. And the loser is…. Stacey. Where’s your Harvard degree now Stacey? Nothing can stop the power of the Auf! Backstage Stacey gets the gentle Tim Gunn “don’t let the door hit ya where the good lord slit ya” speech and she is gone.

So what did everyone else think? Good season so far? I like it, and think we have some real talents here. And of course there is the big “Controversy” that is shrouded in mystery that we have to look forward to. And of course, the model with the fractured eye socket. Should be a good season.