It only took three episodes. Three episodes of this seasons Project Runway to get my blood boiling. Don’t get me wrong, it was a great episode. It had drama, creativity, suspense, Tim. All the things we’ve come to love about Project Runway. But it also had one of the worst performances by judges I’ve seen in all 3 seasons. And the person that was sent home should never have been sent home. And it was made all the worse when the one person who did no work, and I mean literally threw something on his model in twenty minutes, not only got away scott free but was complimented. In fact this was the first episode when I actually thought that Nina Garcia doesn’t know shit. I know, harsh words, but I stand by them. And although I may not be an expert on good fashion, in the words of Supreme Court Justice Potter Stuart, “I know it when I see it”. Of course he was referring to hard core pornography not fashion. Two sides of the same coin really. The show starts with the designers still recovering from the loss of dear old Malan. Which is quick since they weren’t too traumatized by the whole experience. I mean he made a poopy dress. Literally. When they get before Heidi on the runway she comes out in a nice brown plaid top and some blue jeans that showcase her fantastic fanny. She tells the designers that they will be designing for one of fashions “hottest accessories”. Tim will fill them all in on the details tomorrow morning. Oh, Heidi is being coy! Who knew Germans had coyness in them? Punctuality and a love of schnitzels yes, but coyness? Heidi them brings out the models and Kayne has to choose who he is keeping. He goes with Katya since she has undeniably fierce walk.
When that is Heidi then tells them all to get some rest because they have “a very early start tomorrow” . As she says this she rubs her hands and her voice lowers to a musky growl. The new Evil Heidi. We’ve seen pieces of her in the Project Runway ad’s where she lets out that loud “HA!” and now it is coming out in full force. I’m liking the evil Heidi. I’d like to go all James Bond and sneak into her evil lair. And by that I mean vagina. I would like to be inside her vagina. There I said it.
That night at the Atlas apartments they are all trying to figure out what the accessory is. Cell phone? Uli pipes in with her own Idea’s in her stilted German accent. “Maybe belt or shoe?” Shoes accessories? I thought shoes were just shoes. Then she keeps going. “Maybe liederhosen! Or Konfektionsgrößen? Vait! I bet it’s strudel! YA! It vill be Strudel! ”
The next morning at 6 am they all find a note from Tim. He tells them all to make their way uptown along the west side of Central Park. When Laura realizes it she has a eureka moment. “Guys. It’s horses. Are horses a fashion accessory?” Huh? What? Horses? Do they even allow horses in Central Park? Where did she get that from? Laura is so dead set on her horse idea that when they are all ready and walking up Central Park West Laura is wearing a jockey outfit. Damn, who knew she even was able to pack a jockey uniform much less make one?
When they finally get to the spot in Central park they are met by Tim walking 13 tiny dogs in outfits. Visual humor! That’s right, the accessory they are designing for this week is dogs. But not cool dogs like Weimaraners and Basset Hounds. Snippy little shitty dogs. Laura is horrified. “When you’re 42 years old and you have five children you just I don’t have the emotional energy to care for an animal like that.” She whines. Anyone else notice that this rich upper west side architect constantly mentions the fact that she is 42 and has five kids like it means she should get the congressional medal of honor or something? And it’s not like she is taking care of the kids on the show. Right now it’s just her and the stupid dog. While mom is on the reality show I’m sure the kids are doing what they always do. Spending all day with the live in nanny while Laura goes all over the city telling everyone who looks at her that she has 5 kids and is 42 and doesn’t wear sweatpants. Yeah for her!
Everyone picks a dog that suits their personality (which makes me miss Malan all the more) with Keith choosing the most grotesquely ugly dog in existence. “I like to make rare things. This is a rare dog” he says in that obnoxious way where his eyes are closed the entire time. Bradley and Alison switch dogs since Alison is more inspired by the poodle. Laura makes a point not to touch the dog and instead shoves it in her bag. The same mom with the much heralded five kids. Now I’m thinking she has two fulltime nannies.
Laura mulls over her design idea
Back at Parsons Tim fills them in on the challenge. They are going to make a women’s wear outfit for their dog. And they want them to think narratively. Create a story for the dress and the woman wearing it. And oh yeah, they also have to design a complimentary outfit for the dog. Alison’s idea for her dog “Pepe” is that her girl is a fashionista who travels the world so Pepe will get a mini motorcycle jacket. You know, there is something about the way Alison talks that bothers me. It’s not a lisp, its some kind of odd affectation that I can’t quite place.
Angela being Angela she goes the crazy bag lady route. “My story is about a British headmistress of an art camp in Paris called “Jubilee Jumbles” and she’s throwing a party for “pattycake”. ” she tells us. An art camp in Paris named Jubilee Jumbles. You can’t make this shit up. Well, Angela can but that is because she is bipolar. Jeffrey meanwhile is singing to his dog while fitting him for a hat. Crazy people rule. Let’s just hope this dog isn’t like all the other dogs he’s owned and starts to tell him to “kill them all”.
From here it is off to good ole Mood. Kayne picks an absolutely gorgeous misoni print. I probably spelled that wrong, but I still struggle with “their” and “there” so you can’t really blame me. Once they are done there they head back to the workroom. Everyone starts working furiously. Everyone that is except for Bradley. He’s just kind of sitting there staring blankly at his fabric like he is at a Phish concert. Or perhaps a college professor not unlike a middle aged Donald Sutherland told him that our whole solar system could be, like one tiny atom in the fingernail of some other giant being. Which means that one tiny atom in Bradley’s fingernail could be one little tiny universe. Think about it… When we hear him in his diary interview he tells us that he is realizing that the lines he drew into his fabric were really hard to sew so he is spending a lot of time readjusting.
The next day they are all busy working. Everyone seems happy with what they have so far. Especially Vincent. He shows Jeffrey the outfit he has for his dog and breaks into this maniacal insane laughing fit that scares me on several levels. 1. The laugh itself is the laugh of an insane man. 2. He laughs for about 10 seconds straight, and 3. He is laughing about his stupid dog outfit, which is not funny in the least. It’s like seeing someone laugh at a “you might be a redneck if..” joke. It just frightens you to your core.
Portrait of madman
Bradley however has decided to completely abandon his original idea and start over from scratch. It’s kind of like when your high you are convinced that just as soon as you finish this bag of cheetos you are going to backpack across Europe and write a novel. But instead you just end up passing out with yellow fingers. Now I’m not saying Bradley was high when he came up with his original idea, but just look at him.
“Dave’s not here man…”
Soon everyone notices Bradley is falling way behind. Then we find out that tomorrow is his birthday. Keith tells us that as bad as Bradley’s garment is it couldn’t be as bad as what Angela came up with. Then we get a look at Angela working on her sherbert purple outfit. Keith describes it as a big bag of skittles, and he’s not too far off.
We’re not done with Keith yet though as then he goes into his diva mode and starts to take over the sewing machine that is supposed to be Michael’s. Laura confronts him and they bitchfest it out. Laura tells us in her diary interview that Keith has been pissing people off all week. “She’s bad mommy!” says Keith in his annoying “oh god I just want to punch you in the face until there’s nothing left” way.
Soon it’s time for Tim. As he does his first go around the workroom he stops at Katherine’s station. He is concerned that the dress itself is too basic. He encourages he to make a hood to match the dogs outfit. At Uli’s station Tim is very happy with Uli’s outfit. It’s a funky print dress and he thinks it looks beautiful. Even I like it. Tim is also happy with Keith’s dress, much to Laura’s dismay. His only concern is that Keith hasn’t done anything for the challenge for the dog. When Keith tries to bullshit his way out of making anything by saying that the image of the woman wearing the dress in his head is not the kind of woman that would dress her dog up, Tim just looks at him and reminds him that its part of the challenge. Keith just gives that look like a brat who doesn’t get his ice cream. He’s mastered that look.
When he sees Angela’s poofy skittles bag, he tells her that she has gone way over the top. He’s especially amazed that she put so much work into the inside of her vest, sicne the judges will never see it. “Think about who she is in terms of describing her to the judges” Tim says, meaning “Is this the kind of woman that eats her own poop and owns 30 cats? If so, spot on!” At Bradley’s station he is shocked that he hasn’t gotten anything done. “I don’t get it” he tells him. They are almost out of time and Tim says that the entire top needs to be redone. As they work into the night Bradley gets more and more flustered. He tells Keith that he is thinking of just forfeiting the whole thing completely. By the time the midnight deadline comes around, he is settled into the fact that he isn’t going to show. Ooh. A Project Runway first!
The next morning Tim stops by to tell them that the models are coming in an hour and they have two hours to prepare them. Then he stops by to wish Bradley a happy birthday and see how his dress has come. It’s not going well as he has virtually nothing but a pile of fabric in front of him. Tim is afraid to even ask about the dog, which Bradley hasn’t even started on yet.
Then the models show up and its time of my favorite part of the show. Model fittings! When Bradley’s cute model Clarissa saunters up to Bradley, he fills her in on the dress issue. “Am I going to be naked?” she asks. A fantastic idea I say to myself. But no, Bradley says he might not show at all. “I really don’t want to go home.” She says a little nervously. Seeing her model like that inspires Bradley to start working even harder. But is it too little too late? Once the models are fitted its time to fit the dogs. Well, everyone except Keith’s that is. He doesn’t even bother to do anything for his dog. Bradley however has decided to just throw on whatever he had done onto his model and shove her down the runway. This should be fun.
On the runway we are introduced to our judges. Once again we have Nina Garcia and Vera Wang (sans bangs this time) filling in for Michael Kors. And our guest judge is… Ivanka Trump! Of course! Who else to judge a fashion contest than Ivanka Trump! I mean, she wears clothes. It’s a no brainer. My favorite part if this whole episode is Vera Wang is introduced as the “world renowned fashion designer”, Nina is introduced as “fashion director of Elle magazine” and Ivanka is introduced as…. “The fashionable Ivanka Trump”. Just when you think things can’t get funnier, Heidi continues “..Vice president of Development at the Trump organization”. Awesome. Hey I can’t blame her. If my dad was a billionaire I’d love for him to just give me business cards that say “Executive Vice President of International Relations of the Hill Corporation” and then get drunk all night at the clubs picking up chicks. The woman won the genetic lottery and is making the most of it.
Is she laughing with us or at us?
Now its time for the runway show. First up is Kayne. He has a funky print dress with a white top and what looks to be some sort of pleather jacket. Then it’s Uli’s dress. Uli went with a wild print dress, a brown mini vest and some funky beaded necklace. The whole thing is really nice looking. And her dog has the leopard print dog outfit with “Hi ladies” printed on the side. Nice touch Uli. Roberts dress comes out and has a pink plaid Jackie Kennedy skirt and a white top that is a dead ringer for the Seinfeld puffy shirt.
Alison’s outfit has a retro 80′s look with a matching Flock of Seagulls/Kid n’ Play hairstyle. Keith’s dress seems fine, but according to his voiceover critique you’d think he made the greatest dress to ever walk the earth. His dress is so perfect he says, that it doesn’t need a matching dog outfit. I think Keith is angling to be this years “villain”. That’s where they act over the top obnoxious in order to get noticed and become semi famous, when in reality they are just lame wannabe celebrities with marginal talent. I call this the “Jase syndrome”.
Bonnie’s has a nice black and white outfit and Katherine’s dress, while definitely “basic” is a pretty color and I really like the layered colors around the …umm, boobies. Michaels dress is a brown dress with some interesting fabric work on the top. Vincent continues the 80′s theme, only with him it’s not intentional since he hasn’t designed fashion since the mid eighties so he probably thinks his looks contemporary instead of retro. It’s like he was encased in amber since 1986. We could probably extract his D.N.A. and make dinosaurs from it but they would be mentally unstable dinosaurs with bad New York accents, and no on wants to see that.
Laura’s outfit matches her personality. Stuck up middle aged ice queen. And then we have Angela. Oh poor Angela. It’s a giant purple poof skirt and a super short black vet stop. And oh yeah, it’s covered in about a thousand little baubles. In fact if you look close enough I’m sure she has some dry macaroni glued on there somewhere. “The whole outfit was unlike anything that anyone else had done” she beams. For once Angela and I are in complete agreement about something. Finally Jeffrey’s model comes out ad his dress is a silk layered dress that’s fairly unremarkable.
Now that the show is over its time for the judging. Heidi calls forward Alison ,Bradley, Keith, Angela, Katherine and Uli. Everyone else can leave the runway, but the remaining six have the highest and lowest scores. Then they bring out their models and they start with Uli. Heidi asks Uli about her “storyline” she was told to create for her model. Uli takes a page out of the Sex and the City handbook. Her outfit of for a “young hip girl who is not afraid of color. She likes party. Actually she went party last night and now got up at 12 o’clock and is now she is meeting her girlfriends and they are going to lunch and going shopping for more fabulous clothes.” Once she says this Ivanka then pipes in and says “I like your story. It just works for me.” This is why I love doing recaps for this show. The jokes are just handed to you on a silver platter.
The judges call out Katherine for the simpleness of her dress. So much so that they like the dogs outfit more than the models. Katherine says that that’s what she was looking for. Clean and simple. Heidi thinks its very blah. With Alison’s they love the look, especially the giant eraserhead hair. They think its chic and modern.
Then it’s time for Angela. Oh boy. Angela’s story about the assistant director at the Paris art camp throwing a party for her dog goes completely over the judges head. Ivanka just wants to know at what point during her story does the woman drink a bottle of Cristal and do a line of coke of the penis of her Greek shipping heir boyfriend. Those are the kinds of stories that just “work for her”. When Heidi asks how old the kids are at this made up camp Angela just makes up a number and says “6-12″. This offends the judges since the outfit is somewhat risqué. These imaginary children are being exposed to some imaginary inappropriate clothing. This could lead to all sorts of imaginary problems for their imaginary futures. Nina herself is speechless and Vera thinks its raunchy and has no style. Man if I had a nickel everytime I heard that.
Now its Bradley’s potato sack dress. Before they can start Bradley’s dog starts barking to which Heidi puts on her sexy evil Heidi voice and tells him that “he’s being a bad boy”. Now I just need to find a way to make that audio clip my new ringtone and I will be all set. When they ask for his story I swear I think he makes it up on the spot. It’s a woman who “appreciates simplicity and structure” Then there is silence. Vera Wang says that she “loves the idea of this outfit”. Nina wants to see the profile, which makes it looks worse and Nina goes gaga. “I could see us shooting that for Elle.” What? Excuse me? Are they nuts? It’s a giant orange sack on top of a skirt. He put ten minutes of work into it. Hey maybe I’m wrong. I mean obviously these people know more about fashion, but does anyone else think that dress is even the slightest bit pretty? God, why didn’t Bradley just send his model out naked.
Next up is Keith. When he starts the story Keith takes a preemptive strike regarding the fact that he did nothing for the dog. “She’s got a dog that’s a rare breed and she doesn’t want to dress sit up in baby doll clothes”. This lame excuse doesn’t work and they call him out on his not making a dog outfit. Keith then lies and says that he made “many many outfits for the dog” and struggled with the decision. He even goes as far as saying that yes he did make an outfit referring to the collar. Heidi actually walks up and inspects it and finds out that the collar is just a bracelet, all Keith did was stick a piece of fabric on that. “Heidi I spent a lot of time on that.” He insists.
When they send them all backstage the judges then talk amongst themselves. They think Bradley’s was the most original, and they love his “play with volume”. Good lord Nina, he didn’t play with anything. He shoved it on her and it just looked poofy because he didn’t do anything to it. They Love Uli’s patterns and the way she dressed the dog. They like Alison’s vision but with Katherine they think its too basic and wasn’t sewed well. Angela they think looked horrible. Vera didn’t like the style and Ivanka says she looked like a streetwalker. Keith’s attitude bothered them completely and Ivanka says she wants to see the tape to see whether he made 4 outfits for the dogs (he didn’t). But still, the dress he made was nice.
When they bring the models out its time to announce the winner of this weeks challenge. The winner is…Uli. They love her design and choice of colors and fabrics. Now Uli has immunity for the next challenge. They tell Alison that she is in and can leave the runway. Then they tell Bradley that he can leave the runway. Wow. What can I say? I’m shocked. Then they tell Keith that he would have won the challenge but for his attitude ad not making a dog outfit. In his post interview we get the usual “villain shtick” or the “Jase moment” as I like to call it and says that he doesn’t understand why he didn’t win. Yeah yeah, whatever. Stop trying to be all Santino. I wouldn’t be surprised if later this season we catch him sticking hot garbage in his pockets.
So that leaves Angela’s skittles dress and Katherine’s simple, but not well made dress. Simple. Get rid of Angela. She designs fashion for bag ladies. She sucks. Katherine’s may not have been perfectly constructed but I liked the color and the whole, you know, booby thing. Who knows, maybe I’m just biased since Katherine’s model is the only red head on the show this year, and they have always been my weakness (Oh Grace, how I miss you so).And then they drop the bomb. Angela is in. Katherine is out. Bullshit. Angela’s and Bradley’s dresses were pure abominations. They think Katherine’s dress was too simple? Bradley cut 23 holes in his top for his model to stick her arms and head through and threw her down the runway. And Angela’s looks like an upside down ice cream cone with sprinkles. Man who knew fashion could get me this riled up?
You and me both
So Katherine is out and Angela lives to bedazzle another day. Is anyone else as mad as me at this outcome? OH well, at least next week we have the big episode we’ve all been waiting for. A contestant gets kicked off the show for the first time ever.
Now if You’ll excuse me I have to go pick out my outfit for the Greater Hartford Irish Music Festival. Hmm. Should I go with the usual flip flops, cargo shorts and TVgasm shirt, or perhaps I should wear a polo shirt? OK, but solid or print? Tucked in or out? Man so many options and I haven’t even started on the accessories…