ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s gonna be a tough recap for me on this week’s Project Runway. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m still bummed about the tragic loss of Dirty Diana last week. Not only was she mine and sg-dub’s pick from the beginning, but she got booted in the most unfair way imaginable because she was paired with that idiot Marla. So it was with a heavy heart that I watched last nightÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s episode. But before long I was back into the swing of things. Because thereÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s nothing that makes the hurt of a lost love go away faster than gay men skating. Or was that alcohol? Wait, yeah. Definitely alcohol.
This week we get yet another guest star, and unlike Nicky Hilton, this one actually has a job. And sheÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s good at it too. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s ice skater Sasha Cohen. For the men reading this, Ã¢â‚¬Å“ice skatingÃ¢â‚¬? is the stuff they put on ESPN during the football playoffs when all the games are on the network channels. That and swamp racing.
The episode starts with Tim bringing them all on another field trip. This time they are going to an ice rink. And lo and behold there is national ice skating champion and certifiable cutie pie Sasha Cohen! Once Nick saw Sasha he had the biggest mangasm IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve ever seen. The look on his face outgayed Andrae, and thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s a high bar to overcome. This weekÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s challenge is to design an ice skating outfit for Sasha. While Nick is busy wiping up the puddle he just made, Tim asks Sasha what things to keep in mind when designing an ice skater’s outfit. She gives us a list of doÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s and donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ts that include stretch fabrics like Lycra and to make sure they have good elasticity so her Ã¢â‚¬Å“panties stay on.Ã¢â‚¬? I spent five minutes deciding on which joke to go with on that one until I decided IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll just list them all and let the reader decide.
A. If you need an answer on how best to keep a girl’s panties on, thereÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s no better place to turn then Nick, Andrae, Emmett, and Tim.
B. Then Tim hands her a copy of Ã¢â‚¬Å“The Big Book of Venereal DiseaseÃ¢â‚¬?. Mission accomplished.
C. At which point Heidi Klum was heard mumbling, “Wish I had that clothing feature before Seal impregnated me with this lizard baby.Ã¢â‚¬?
D. Gee. Sasha Cohen soliciting new ideas for a chastity belt. Stereotype = proven.
I spy with my little eye…
But before we can be given our challenge we have to make an offering to the reality TV show gods. And that means everyone has to skate around awkwardly so we can film it. Tim doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t do well on skates. I mean yeah, he looks fantastic, but thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s just Tim; heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢d look great taking a dump (not that IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve ever thought about that). But as bad a skater as Tim is heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s nothing next to Kara, whoÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s falling down all over the place. I guess skating isnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t big in South Africa what with all the deserts and poverty and years and years of institutionalized racism.
Because the show just wasn’t gay enough
After a few minutes of this, Sasha interrupts them and says they should all finish their session by doing a choo choo. This made SantinoÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s eyes light up because he thought that meant they were all going up to the loft to do some coke. He was bitterly disappointed when he found out that what she really meant was she just wanted to do a cute skating train. Like every bad wedding youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve ever been to, only 40 degrees colder. What followed next was a bunch of gay men grabbing each other from behind and skating all over the rink. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢d make a Brokeback Mountain joke right now but IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m only allowed one of those a week, since the whole Ã¢â‚¬Å“Brokeback Mountain jokeÃ¢â‚¬? thing is rapidly jumping the shark. Pretty soon youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ll see one on Mind of Mencia and that is the official comedy graveyard where jokes go to die. And donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t cry for Santino, he was able to turn lemons into lemonade when he started to pull down EmmettÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s pants during the train. I guess it was the Ã¢â‚¬Å“grabbing a guy by the hips from behindÃ¢â‚¬? thing that just made nature take over.
KNEEL before Zod!
From there we go to get our fabrics. For this challenge they have only a 150 dollar budget and very limited time to pick out fabrics. Then Tim drops another one of his bombs (we should call them Ã¢â‚¬Å“TimÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s turdsÃ¢â‚¬? maybe?). When they go shopping they canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t change out of their skating outfits! OH SNAP! No you dÃ¢â‚¬â„¢int! Yeah thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s right, he went there. But then I realized that these people dress in the freakiest outfits already so it becomes kind of a pointless exercise. Some funny highlights include Zulema wearing makeup on her face that makes her look like Wesley Snipes in Too Wong Fu, Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar. Emmett is wearing a hot pink shirt with ruffled arms. But the real coup de grace of his shirt is its form fitting nature. You see, Emmett has man tits. And you havenÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t lived until youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve seen man tits through a tight-fitting hot pink shirt. Well actually you probably have, but I needed to make myself feel better for having seen them and that was the best I could come up with. And I havenÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t even mentioned his muffin tops yet.
Does this make me look fat?
When they get to the store they all spread out dressed like Tinkerbell, except for Santino rocking the Russian czar look, and start buying their supplies. They end up spending most of their budgets on nothing but sequins and trim. In other words, SantinoÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s wet dream. At one point I could have sworn one of them bought elbow macaroni and glue. Daniel V puts it best when he tells us Ã¢â‚¬Å“I love trim.Ã¢â‚¬? So do I my friend, so do I.
Back at the studio Emmett is having trouble. Being a menswear designer, he is completely clueless in designing an ice skating costume. All his experience in the fashion world is with menÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s suits designed to cover up male gunt. He is so lost in fact he asks kooky Kara for help. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m constantly amazed this woman isnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t wandering the streets of NYC with a dead cat in one hand and eating gravel with the other, so going to her about fashion advice is proof of EmmettÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s dire situation. On the other side of the studio Santino is having his weekly smack talk session. With the beautiful and enigmatic Dirty Diana taken out last week by being partnered with the untalented hack Marla, heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s moved onto his next target. Kara. Granted this is an easier target. The woman had an entire Toys R Us store shut down for an hour to find a Barbie hat. The woman is one nervous breakdown away from eating her own feces. Santino is annoyed that Kara keeps asking everyone elseÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s opinion. In a convenient parallel we then hear everyone talking about how SantinoÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s outfit is a huge mess. And Santino being the ego trip that he is refuses to ask anyoneÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s opinion. The end result is an outfit that looks like a pile of rotting leaves.
In Emmett land heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s complaining about the fact that he canÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t sew. This makes me wonder aloud whether or not he saw the first season of the show where every single one of the contestants spent endless hours sitting in front of a sewing machine. What did he expect to be doing when he got here, will the fabric together?
It turns out that because they are working with Lycra, they need to use a specific machine called an overlock machine as they are designed for sewing stretch fabrics. I realized this myself years ago when I started my crime fighting career and was making my first costume. So criminals beware, if you go to Hartford CT, you will have to deal with Goatse Man!
I bet youÃ¢â‚¬â„¢re now wondering whatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s with the sewing lesson? ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s all foreshadowing my friends. Turns out Zulema breaks the overlock machine thus putting everyone in a bind because they all use it. Andrae decides that he will single-handedly fix it and completely rethread it while heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s at it. Since everyone else is aware of the deadline and have no problem with him wasting his time while they work on their pieces, they say nothing. Andrae is an idiot. Even Zulema admits that she didnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t even bother trying to fix it because she Ã¢â‚¬Å“never wouldÃ¢â‚¬â„¢ve been able to finish itÃ¢â‚¬?.
Andrae finally fixes the stupid machine and when he gets back to his workstation he realizes that he doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t have a lot of time to work on his piece. No shit Sherlock. The next morning he makes it known that he will not be fixing it if it breaks again. Well no one asked you to the first time, so whatever.
Tim walks in and tells everyone that itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s time for him to give them his Ã¢â‚¬Å“little ‘Make it Work’ talkÃ¢â‚¬?. Oh Timmy. He had maintenance look at the machines and do the best they can with them but they need to be aware that they can only do so much. They might be forced into doing some sewing by hand. Hey, not everyone has a Mark Burnett budget people.
With that Tim makes his rounds and offers his critiques. EmmettÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s idea is to make his look like Van Goghs Starry Night. Tim doesnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t look impressed. Andrae says he wants to make Sasha into a wicked princess. KaraÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s looks dull and Tim warns her that its too basic. Daniel says he thinks KaraÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s design is also too basic. But not basic in a Ã¢â‚¬Å“Calvin Klein sort of way. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s basic in more of a J.C. Penny sort of wayÃ¢â‚¬? I love smug designers acting like J.C. Penny is beneath them, yet they spend most of their time rummaging through vintage clothing stores buying 40 year old outfits with blood stains on them because it makes them look Ã¢â‚¬Å“alternativeÃ¢â‚¬?. When Tim gets to Santino he sayÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s that his is supposed to represent a Ã¢â‚¬Å“phoenix rising from the flamesÃ¢â‚¬?. If that phoenix was a homeless man in rags than yes. Tim However has more advice to give Santino and itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s not just about his outfit. You see, Santion has a certain demeanor when he is on the runway. Tim tries to put it as elegantly as he can; Ã¢â‚¬Å“”Think about a way of responding to Michael and Nina thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s less f*ck you.Ã¢â‚¬? And then they cut right to a flashback of Santino on the runway responding to one if NinaÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s criticisms with him giving out his patented F you attitude.
We then watch the elves as they work frantically until midnight. Unfortunately things donÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t go smoothly. Kara breaks the overlock machine sending Andrae into a tizzy. He calls the situation Ã¢â‚¬Å“inordinately dreadfulÃ¢â‚¬?. Nice verbiage my friend. This forces everyone to start hand sewing the rest of their garments. Zulema says that Ã¢â‚¬Ëœpopping seams are a possibilityÃ¢â‚¬?. Hey as long as it happens to my girl Grace IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m all for it. She makes me pop a few seams whenever I see her, if ya know what I mean.
As they all frantically work until midnight everyone deals with stress their own way. Kara sobs quietly and probably goes into the bathroom to cut herself, Andrae wears his lucky short shorts, Zulema acts like a bitch, and Santino mocks people. In his crosshairs this evening is Michael Kors. In his best Kors impression he screams Ã¢â‚¬Å“It looks like a baboons ass exploded on her backside!” Not only was this funny, because its sounds like the kind of thing Kors would say, only with a lot of eye rolling, but itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s actually a perfect description of SantinoÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s crappy design. The thing is a mess. At least baboon sh*t would be an original idea. I myself would have gone with orangutan urine. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s got this divine shade of yellow.
But working isnÃ¢â‚¬â„¢t all Santino is doing. ItÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s confession time. After TimÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s minor scolding about SantinoÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s runway performance he starts to wax philosophic about what its like to be up their on the runway. Ã¢â‚¬Å“”It’s like IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m back on the corner and ready to get into a fistfight” he says. A short tempered skinny 6Ã¢â‚¬â„¢4 man who likes to insult people while wearing high heels got into fights on his neighborhood street corner? No, sorry. IÃ¢â‚¬â„¢m not buying it.
The next morning its time to get ready for the runway and that means one thing. Half naked models! Yeah! Things are going from bad to worse for Santino when even his model hates his outfit. You can see the worried look in his face. He basically tells us that he knows its not that good but heÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s just going to go up there and BS everyone by telling them he thinks its great. Could this mean Santino is finally going home, or are we just getting a classic reality show fake out?
On the Runway we are met by Heidi who is rocking a 40Ã¢â‚¬â„¢s look coupled with a slinky black gown. This girl looks even hotter pregnant than she did when she didn’t have that “little bump” as she calls it. Too bad her lizard baby looks more like Seal than her.
After the runway show they bring them out. Nick, Daniel and Andrae get to leave the runway. So that leaves Zulema, Santino, Emmett, Kara and Chloe. Michael Loves Chloes, and especially loves the colors. One judge thinks ChloeÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s ruffles make the model look a little hippy. Since Grace, the model, weighs about 95 pounds thatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s an achievement. Kara says her inspiration was jazz, but it looks a little too Vegasy for Michael Kors. Emetts is a mess in their eyes. The skirt is way too short and they think thereÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s Ã¢â‚¬Å“too much tootie being exposedÃ¢â‚¬?. Leave it to them to take something as pure as a character from Facts of Life and reduce it to crude slang for a womanÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s crotch mackerel. I am disappointed in them. ZulemaÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s however is Ã¢â‚¬Å“sexy without being vulgarÃ¢â‚¬?. WhatÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s so bad about vulgar without being sexy, I ask myself.
And then there is Santino. Oh poor Santino. His is a mess. Ann Slowey, filling in for Nina, calls it Ã¢â‚¬Å“Carmen Miranda on acid”. Michael says it would look more at home at a Thanksgiving Day pageant. Ouch. This catÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s got claws. He then says that it is Ã¢â‚¬Å“beyond not flatteringÃ¢â‚¬?. Wait. Does that mean itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s flattering, or that itÃ¢â‚¬â„¢s so beyond not flattering which means its super not flattering? Damn all this fashion slang!
Finally Sasha has to make her choice. I was hoping they would go with Ememtt because even I would watch figure skating on TV if it was Sasha Cohen in an outfit that was accentuating her horizontal fishcake. But she decides to go with Zulema instead.
From there they tell Chloe she is also EEN and its down to Emmett and Santino. They tell Santino that yet again, he was way over the top. Emmett was a stale design and not a lot of imagination. Plus you could almost see her hey nonnie nonnie. Which to them is Ã¢â‚¬Å“badÃ¢â‚¬?. OK, last vagina euphamism. I swear.
I see London, I see France…
Heidi then says the phrase we have heard so much lately: Ã¢â‚¬Å“Santino. You are EEN.Ã¢â‚¬? Which means of course Emmett, you are out. He gets the “Auf wiedersehen” and the double cheek kiss and is off. But not before we get yet another fantastic shot of his huge belly in tight fitting lycra. A fitting final image.
So what did everyone else think? Are they glad Santino is still around?