I’m a Barbie Boy

Project Runway

By sg-dub | Wednesday, December 21, 2005 | 3:52 pm | 39 Comments

After the solid premiere of Project Runway, we knew the show would “stay the course” and remain strong throughout its second season. They threw a few slightly concerning elements our way last week but still managed to rise above the reality fray. Sure we were bludgeoned by product placement, but that’s so ingrained into the reality landscape now we can hardly complain. The show also cleared up the new model elimination process confusion I had last week – and I like their revamped methodology. Can this show do anything wrong?The episode opened with a small spat between roomies Kara Janx the South African and Guadalupe, who appeared far less loopy this week. They both accused each other of being too nervous for each other’s tastes. Hmmm, on the Real World roommates accuse each other of being “F’in c-word bitches,” but here they make polite digs at each other’s energy levels. And you know what Bunim-Murray? IT’S OKAY. That said, the show is rapidly creating a villain of sorts; Santino the bass-throated lanky dude who never met a ruffle he didn’t like. Though personally, at this point in the show, I was still digging him. After all, he made ample fun of Andrae for his crying jag on the runway and bet the others beer that he’d fall apart again. No one took him up on his wager – not because they thought he wouldn’t cry, but probably because the prize was beer instead of espresso martinis or Midori sours.

The designers met with Heidi Klum (I caught the UPN rerun of the “Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show” this week and seeing Heidi in lingerie scant months after giving birth is inspiring. So ladies, all you need are perfect genes, a few personal trainers, a couple nannies, a wet nurse, a personal chef, a home gym, a multi-million dollar contract, and no job other than slimming down – how hard is that?) As I was saying, Heidi Klum greeted the crew with a soothing, “You gonna like dis challenge!” But first, last week’s winner Chloe had some business to take care of.

This season, the winner of the previous challenge got to retain either the model she won with, select the model whose designer was booted, or change to any of the other models. I’m not sure what happens in that last instance, but it didn’t matter this week as Chloe chose to stick with the redheaded Grace – and Grace’s schnozz. Good, I’m glad to see the models still had a little opportunity for infighting in the weeks to come. Preferably bra and panties infighting, but I digress. I’ll admit up front that I’ve chosen some odd screencaps this week – like this one. Just look at the weird forced perspective of the person on the lower left. This is the stupid shit that cracks me up:

And notice our little Eng showing some lower back skin!

Giant Heidi was purposefully cryptic in her description of the task. They would all be designing for an unnamed “Fashion icon” whom they would meet in New York City. This created a buzz among the challengers; “Linda Evangelista?” “Grace Slick?” “Gwyneth Paltrow?” “Elegant Elliot Offen?” Only time would tell. Later, my man Tim Gunn appeared and led the group uptown from Parsons to Times Square. There he continued the mystery as he would only offer up how, “Very thrilling” the challenge would be for everyone. Then, with an understated flourish, Tim pointed the way to Toys R Us and said they’d meet the icon inside. “Awesome,” I thought, “I’ve never seen haute couture for giraffes before.”

Alas, once inside the gang was introduced to the fashion icon by Lily Martinez from Mattel: “Miocene Barbie.” This challenge would test the designers’ creative vision, and the dolls would serve as their muse. They would need to design an outfit befitting the Miocene Epoch. Hmmm, if my biology degree serves me well, I do believe the Miocene Epoch fell between the Pliocene and the Oligocene, towards the end of the Tertiary Period. This was all about five to twenty million years ago – no more dinosaurs, (mammals existed) and the most exciting development was a warming climate and the emergence of grasslands in central Asia and Africa. Hmmm, how would Barbie fit into that primitive pre-homo world?

What? Come again? It’s the “My Scene Barbie?” Oh… Damn. Yes, the My Scene Barbie would test the designers – so no animal skins or grass skirts needed. Each designer was to grab a doll and be on their way. For some odd reason, a few of the designers thought they had to design based on the particular Barbie they grabbed, so a few of them made mad dashes for no reason. Chloe, who is quickly emerging as one of my faves, mentioned that they were all being idiots for doing that. But the biggest idiot was Kara Janx – you see, her particular Barbie wore a cowboy hat and that hat fell off behind the escalators at the store and for some unknown reason, Kara really needed that damn hat. In fact, she stayed back at the store and had security stop the escalator in order to retrieve the stupid doll hat – for no reason!

Back at Parsons, Tim outlined the task – they each had 30 minutes to sketch their dress, then $150 and 45 minutes to choose the fabric, and then two days to put it all together. With sketches in hand, everyone made the field trip down to the fabric store and bought what they needed. Then the show delved into the dark world of sewing-talk and I had no idea what was going on. So as I stopped listening to the words, I focused more on the action – especially when Santino was explaining something about his bobbins or tulle or whatever while in the background Kara used her dress as a giant tissue. I’m sure her model will be very happy to see this:

Model: “So that’s where that flu came from.”

Tim showed up to check on everyones progress as he always does. He was pretty tightlipped; only reminding everyone of the time crunch. The next morning, the Mattel designer showed up with Tim and dropped a bomb on them: Each designer would have to create a matching little Barbie doll dress to go along with their full size creations. Damn, that can’t be easy – but it would be worth it as the winner would have his or her winning creation sold as a special edition Barbie! Squeals of delight all around. We were then treated to more sewing scenes, including the “Daniel Franco Shuffle.” Mr. Nerves, Daniel, has an odd habit of walking to and fro with respect to his dress form. Over and over and over again, apparently, like he was a telephoto lens that some greater power was controlling. For some reason, this really annoyed his fellow competitors, but I found it pretty funny.

Tim made his rounds again, but this time he was far more forthcoming with the critiques. He essentially told Nick that his design was terrible and then pulled Andrae aside to discuss last week’s runway breakdown. Tim called the crying “contrived” and expressed concern that Andrae’s fragile psyche will be his downfall. Andrae seemed to listen to Tim and left the tête-à-tête with a smile on his face. I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention his 1978 tangerine jogging outfit made famous by the “Bosom Buddies” opening montage.

As per usual, Daniel Franco was frantic. Someone left elastic bobbin on his machine! He had so much left to do and no time to do it! Aaaarrrgghh! It’s funny that the other Daniel, Daniel V, is so calm and silent. From now on, it’s Daniel Frantic and Daniel Valium. The designers finished up as the minutes ticked down – all except Daniel Frantic. With the deadline nigh, he was secreted away stitching up a last piece on his model. Tsk-tsk, Daniel F., don’t you know Tim Gunn sees all? He was caught and reprimanded and everyone made their way to the runway show.

On the runway, the luminous Ms. Heidi Klum waddled out and greeted the designers. (EdHill was over at the house last night and referred to her newborn as, “a lizard.” That cracked me up.) The judges were joined by Lily Martinez this week, the Mattel designer. Each designer had his or her little My scene Barbie with them – but of course our girl Diana Eng attached hers to her shoulder. Sure, you or I would have used some strong Velcro or even tape, but something tells me that the Engster used some sort of space-age polymer resin that causes the doll to vibrate when the wearer becomes excited.

There are still too many designers to really keep track of things, but Chloe’s flowing skirt caught me eye with its gravity defying look. No one really stood out to me other than Raymundo’s moonshiner garb. His model wore a burlap jacket for some reason and the whole outfit looked like Ma Joad on her way to California. My word it was awful. The show also made sure we didn’t like Marla’s design either – she apparently can’t sew or do any of the last minute trickery to put outfits together physically.

Six designers were told to stay on the runway – Santino, Nick, Kara, Andrae, Raymundo, and Marla – representing the best and the worst of the designs. I just love how they aren’t made aware of which is which. Some comments were that Marla’s colors were all wrong; sad and too serious for the challenge. Andrae had another interesting turn in the spotlight, as the judges wondered aloud why he didn’t put the blond wig on his model. Andrae was prepared for this line of questioning and gave his answer about how his “beautiful” African American model would look stupid in a blonde wig. Although the judges didn’t understand his logic, I must say that I did. He felt the wig would have distracted from the outfit – as it would have looked ridiculous on a black model with an afro. Andrae did get a little hyper, prompting Michael Kors to tell him to, “Lighten up.” At that, Andrae went into full drama queen mode (again), tossed his hands about and said, “Wow! I disagree!” I thought he was about to say one of my favorite reality show judging quotes, (“Who are YOU to judge ME?”) but he shut up and took his lumps. And besides, with Raymundo and Marla in the mix, he was safe anyway.

In fact, the judges came up with a few gems to describe Raymundo’s mess: “Barefoot Appalachia L’il Abner Barbie.” Nice! After a short deliberation, it was time to make the decisions. Andrae was EEN and then it was on to Santino. Of course, for Santino, at least HE knows he’s one of the best. Especially after the lady from Mattel said how much she loved his dress – he just knew he’d won. But alas… He hadn’t. He was EEN, but not the winner. Santino then put on such a sour puss (is that term still even used? My mom used to say that to me all the time) and sulked off the runway. What a baby.

The winner was… Nick and his brightly colored flowing fun dress. I like Nick – relatively quiet and unassuming, but still with a dark edge. He took his win graciously and passed Santino backstage who was fuming in a corner; “I can’t believe that shit.” Dude needs to chill. If I recall correctly, Jay didn’t win many challenges last year at all and still wound up the overall winner. The judges have loved his stuff all three challenges now… Be content with that. Then again, if I looked like Donald Sutherland meets Roller Derby meets Heroin chic meets Cuban Freedom fighter, I’d be pissed too.

Chloe’s (my fave) left and the Raymundo’s RayBlunder on the right

With Kara EEN as well, the final two on the chopping block were Marla and Raymundo. I mean, come on… Even despite Marla’s ineptitude, the choice was obvious. Time Ma Joad Barbie to go. As a denouement, the ousted Raymundo told us that he had, “Balls of steel.” Uh, gee, Ray-Ray… Is that why you were crying while saying that?

Or maybe he really does have steel testicles – I’d imagine that kind of hurts, no?

Comments (39)
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39 Comments

1

kim

Posted December 21, 2005 at 4:15 pm

I think that the dolly are called My Scene Barbies
2

sg-dub

Posted December 21, 2005 at 4:16 pm

kim –

Would you like me to delete your comment now or later?
3

katieshole

Posted December 21, 2005 at 4:42 pm

Elegant Elliot Offen? Too funny..didn’t know sg-dub was a Stern fan….maybe Croix or Nicole Bass too?

Anyway, I’m so sick of that Nina Garcia with her fake affected accent. We all know her real name has to be Nona Schwartz from Syosset and she tawks lik’ ‘dis…

Shut up Nina. We all hate you and your big bag of bullshit.

KH
(Hating Nina at the moment)
4

jenny10girl

Posted December 21, 2005 at 4:48 pm

I think Santino was more annoyed at the way they told him he was in but not the winner…they gushed about how much they loved it…I am assuming he thought he won since they already sent one back. I don’t think he was annoyed that he lost…but that is just how I saw it. I still think he is the most talented one there. )
5

Mary

Posted December 21, 2005 at 4:55 pm

Santino: BURN! I loved that. He’s my favorite mini-villian (mini-villi? milli-vanilli? sorry). I know someone who’s like that, a total case of “second place just is the best of the losers”. Geez. His stuff is consistently good.

But Nick is my favorite, also because I go to LA FIDM a lot. I wasn’t at all surprised he won — FIDM and Otis college in LA work closely with Mattel (which is like a 20 minute drive from them) and the Barbie division on other projects and competitions. Go Nick!
6

Mullethead

Posted December 21, 2005 at 5:26 pm

Hands down, the best Contest-format, reality show out there. No real flaws in production, host, format, challenges…I’m a big, hetero, sports-fan man, and I love this show.

I am hoping one of the faux-mo’s wins. Or Chloe. But wouldn’t the best be the Science-Nerd chick? I would love to see what she could do in the final with a whole line! Some Swiss-Army Couture is LONG overdue!
7

jash

Posted December 21, 2005 at 5:31 pm

Miocene Epoch!!! oh my god, you are hilarious, but i was thinking that the ENTIRE TIME also. but i’m half dork, so that explains ME….

i didnt appreciate tim yelling at daniel frantic “YOU TWO COME WITH ME” and we didnt get to see the result of that! so sad, i want to see tim bitch slap those designers down.
8

holyterror

Posted December 21, 2005 at 5:49 pm

Heidi’s scheduled to yodel on Tyra’s show tomorrow — just thought I’d give a heads-up.

All I could think of this whole episode was Smithers’s Malibu Stacy musical on The Simpsons.

Do they still make those Barbies with the weird soft legs that can be bent backwards at the knee like ostrich legs? They also made cracking bone sounds, like the delux WWE figures do, though I don’t think it was deliberate.

I loved it a few years ago when someone went through a toy store and planted talking Barbies on the shelves whose voice boxes they had switched with talking G.I. Joes. They said things like “Eat lead, Cobra.”
9

Leah3t

Posted December 21, 2005 at 6:53 pm

I thought they were saying “Nicene Barbie” for the longest part of the episode. I was waiting for the barbies to proclaim their love of God, Jesus, and the Holy Ghost.

Another fine episode, another fine recap!
10

EdHill

Posted December 21, 2005 at 7:32 pm

Katieshole both me and mr Sg-dub are avid Stern fans. If you really loved me you’d have known that. Sniff…

And I stand by my statement. THe kid looks like one of those lizards from V.

http://www.wdr.de/themen/_images_/images/3/panorama/personen/heidi_klum/baby_klum_400q.jpg
11

Aries

Posted December 21, 2005 at 7:39 pm

Santino IS a baby. I’m not convinced he’s really as good as he thinks he is. Nick’s dress seemed to be more consistent with the task, i.e. designing a dress that an 8 yr old thinks a 16 yr old would wear. Santino’s dress was a little too, oh what’s the technical word for it….frou-frou. Why can’t he be satisfied with being among the best for every task so far and knowing that he’s obviously at the head of the class?
12

mere2142

Posted December 21, 2005 at 7:58 pm

Santino is CRAZY…I love it! This is one of the best reality shows on tv.
13

Lizardqueen

Posted December 21, 2005 at 8:13 pm

Man alive! This show is so great. I’m breaking out the sewing machine tomorrow. I feel inspired to end my association with prefabricated garments. Too bad someone has to be eliminated every week as I so enjoy seeing the wide variety of concepts and interpretations.
Why was Chloe (cutest name ever and Heathcliff’s girlfriend) wearing an “I heart Maine” shirt? I heart Maine as much as the next guy, but vacation t-shirts are pretty queer. Although not as queer as t-shirts with narcissistic sentiments on them. And could we please get rid of the visible bra straps phenomena? It almost never looks good. Especially with a t-back tanktop and a dirty old bra. The new episode just finished and I look forward to the recap. sg-dub, you are doing a fine job.
EdHill, I must agree with you, though I feel a tad mean harshing on a baby. It’s what’s known as “the Seal factor”. Heidi Klum+Seal= a breathtaking lizard baby from V.

PS- Poor Whitney and Bobby Brown’s spawn. Has child protective services been notified?
14

Miranda

Posted December 21, 2005 at 8:35 pm

I love the Daniel Frantic and Daniel Valium!
I thought Zulema’s dress was one of the worst again. So boring and so not Barbie.
I think for the fashion icons they guessed Grace Jones instead of Grace Slick. Not sure, but Grace Jones would be considered a fashion icon more than Grace Slick. Drug icon is a different story.

Nick was a good choice, it was fun and colorful. I loved it when they told Santino that they loved his dress and he was all “What, no you didn’t.” “Your’e in Santino.” He was confused.
Tim Gunn is such a cool dude and knows a helluva lot more about fashion and what looks good than ninety percent of the population. That said, why does he choose to wear a suit jacket with jeans and brown shoes. EW Tim.
15

Amy

Posted December 21, 2005 at 8:46 pm

The problem I had with Santino’s dress was I swear my Barbie had that extract dress on When I had her in the 80′s. I really liked his first dress but every show since then I like him less and less. Such a baby!
16

Mrs. Petersen

Posted December 21, 2005 at 10:52 pm

Amy, I’m with you, Santino’s dress was way cute but it’s the same as any old Barbie dress. My Scene Barbie’s are basically Mattel’s version of Bratz: less pink and purple, more psuedo-street. Nick’s dress was perfect! It made me wich I wasn’t too old to play with Barbies.

FYI: you can buy all the outfits on bravotv.com, even the loser-stuff sells. Santino’s adorable dress from the first episode sold for $500, but if I had known about it in time I would have paid more.
17

jackie

Posted December 22, 2005 at 12:22 am

how come no one has said that santino looks like that villan from superman 2? seriously he is a dead ringer for that guy. but what a friggin baby!
18

EdHill

Posted December 22, 2005 at 4:57 am

jackie,
Wait until you see Santino next week. He wears a black leather outfit and looks JUST like General Zod. I told sg-dub at the time and he just looked at me funny.
19

i'meen

Posted December 22, 2005 at 5:19 am

I think guadalupe looks like a vulcan.

I think santino is just going to go postal one day and shoot down the entire cast. He is one volatile character with a few screws loose in the head. Good designer other than the costumey reindeer debacle on last nights episode.

the engster cracks me up. is she always so monotone and meek?
20

jelodi

Posted December 22, 2005 at 5:31 am

Ah, another excellent summarization. Love it sg-dub.

I think Santino is similar to Kara Saun: amazingly gifted, imaginative, and talented. But also arrogant and way too cocksure for me to really feel warm and fuzzy about him. Santino the Sourpuss is the perfect tag for him.

Andrae–what a wussy! Do you know what a wussy is Andrae? Part wimp and part pussy. (Fast Times at Ridgemont High-give credit where credit is due). He needs to go.
21

holyterror

Posted December 22, 2005 at 5:36 am

Miranda: It definitely was Grace Jones GRACE SLICK??? (shudder!)

I disagree about the wig. She was playing a character, one of whose characteristics is her long blonde hair. ALL the girls looked stupid in the wigs — and why is this any different than any of the dozens of other silly or unnatural things models are asked to do? On ANTM, they’ve been geishas, Indians, animals, and even other races.

I would agree with Andrae if they were doing a makeover on the model and wanted her to straighten and bleach her hair, but this was a wig for one show — not really different from any other silly hairdo they may have to wear. That’s what models do — dress up as people other than themselves.
22

Lizardqueen

Posted December 22, 2005 at 6:09 am

Some lucky duck bought Chloe’s adorable dress for two hundred fifty six $! (help my number keys won’t work and I’m not too swift with this here computer.) I thought Emmett’s dress was great and a steal for under two hundred. I’ll spare you the rest, but maybe I’ll bid on Santino’s WWII reindeer undies.
23

glam0rama

Posted December 22, 2005 at 6:39 am

hahahahh @ general zod.

this show makes americas next top model look like a pile of janice dickensons’ crap. i love love love it. great recap, and i’m glad sg-dub and edhill had a romantic evening together.

i have to agree, though – chloe’s dress is gorgeous.

p.s. daniel f and daniel v – hilarious.
24

aeb

Posted December 22, 2005 at 6:45 am

i officially hate santino.
he so thought he won… that’s why he got all excited. um, you can’t win everything – didn’t he say something like that in the second (or was it first) episode? he needs to get over himself.
and as crazy as daniel franco is… i have LOVED all of his stuff.
25

jenny10girl

Posted December 22, 2005 at 8:22 am

Eh…I still love Santino…he’s so creepy looking how can you not love him?!
26

Krizzatch

Posted December 22, 2005 at 8:54 am

Cripes do I hate Santino. He looks like Caiphas from Jesus Christ Superstar, the Ted Neeley version.

He’s just so smug…..
27

grifter

Posted December 22, 2005 at 9:35 am

#17 and #18…i thought the exact same thing when i saw Santino in his black sparkly jacket! i kept picturing him trapped in a mirror spinning through space.

and #6 mullethead…what the hell is a faux-mo? and before i go gettin all worked up don’t even tell me it’s some bullsh*it “big, hetero, sports-fan man” term for gay guys.

ok, back to the show…i thought it was funny that the reason marla was in the bottom 2 was b/c her outfit was maroon when daniel valium used almost the exact same color and totally skated off the runway. maybe they just didnt even notice him.
28

EdHill

Posted December 22, 2005 at 12:19 pm

Sometimes I think the Seal/Klum baby is a medical experiment gone awry. Take the most ugly man in the world and have him impregnate the most flawlessly beautiful woman in the world and see the results.

God help us all if there was an EdHill/Heidi Klum baby. It would be so beautiful that if you looked at it straight on your head would explode becuase the human brain is not capable of grasping such beauty. I think congress is debating a law right now that would make sex between me and Heidi illegal for just that reason. Which is just stupid. The awesome sex alone would kill her outright.
29

spatula

Posted December 22, 2005 at 12:39 pm

Kneel before Zod!
That’s what I wish Santino would’ve said to Nina after last night’s episode.
30

David Au

Posted December 22, 2005 at 12:59 pm

Last night’s (lingerie battle) was great TV!!! A total battle of good vs. evil. I’d say more but don’t want to spoil it.
31

holyterror

Posted December 22, 2005 at 1:28 pm

Baby name: How about “Slidey”?

I guess it should be spelled “Sleidi.”
32

junglous

Posted December 22, 2005 at 4:14 pm

for #18…you’re exactly right. as soon as i saw him in the clip with that black sequin top, it was the superman guy OR reminiscent of this…http://www.nicksfix.com/rumourslg.jpg
33

Lizardqueen

Posted December 22, 2005 at 6:06 pm

I am down with General Zod and Mick Fleetwood. But my first impression was http://www.tothesource.org/9_11_2003/shoe_bomber.jpg

Yes, holyterror, Slidey. Or else Heel.
34

holyterror

Posted December 22, 2005 at 6:34 pm

Lizardqueen: I like Slidey ’cause it sounds like he has flippers. Then we can add the street-chic element and make his last name “Slum.”

Slidey Slum.

Though, of course, “Heel” does have the high-fashion element as well. Maybe he’ll have a Siamese twin — Heel Slum.
35

holyterror

Posted December 22, 2005 at 6:37 pm

EdHill (#29): Interesting …

Please post some full-frontal nudes so we can all bask in the radiant light of your musky glory.
36

miss j

Posted December 23, 2005 at 5:25 pm

I’m sorry, did anyone else think “Paris Hilton” when Santino’s went down the runway? Nick’s was sooo much better…
37

Smitty

Posted December 27, 2005 at 9:21 am

Seal had lupus when he was a child that caused the scarring, and without that he’s a good looking guy.

But that being said, all babies look like lizards to me when they are yawning. It’s weird…
38

TheApprentrix

Posted December 29, 2005 at 7:26 pm

Um… this is a HORRIBLE thing to confess… but I am SO HOT for Santino. Yes, I am totally getting the Superman II refs and the comment that he smells like fried onions (#28) is so right on and he is a complete arsehole diva, but… omg… he makes me moist. Is there something wrong with me? Someone pass me the Kryptonite, STAT!
39

mcsquared65

Posted January 3, 2006 at 10:47 pm

In pt2 that was the first pic of zamoora or whatever that made me understand the miss jay comparison.

What I can’t figure out is how the models can look so anorexic yet so flabby and cottage cheesy at the same time! They are truly not of this world.

Btw hope you’ve let the model competition thingy go dub. I never even noticed there was one, and I watched last season too

Nick’s dress ruled!! Can’t wait to see it in the toy stores!

I’m a Barbie Boy

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