I sat down for this weeks Project Runway all a twitter with the knowledge that this episode would finally show us the big “scandal” that has been alluded to from both Heidi in interviews and on other websites. Alas, I was let down as the episode went off with nary a controversy. Well, Vincent acted all crazy, but that’s his “thing” so it really doesn’t qualify as an event.
This week’s challenge also included one of the most unimpressive surprise “guest stars” since Nancy O’Dell from season one. Miss USA? Not only did I not know who she was, I didn’t even think they had a Miss USA anymore. Personally, I wish they would have gone with designing a gown for Ms. Olympia. Imagine designing a glamorous gown for this chick. Now that would be a challenge.
On the runway Heidi comes out looking fab as usual. Last time they were assigned models but this time they get to choose. Cue the hot models in black slips and their accompanying music. Keith goes first and picks Narzi, the African American model with the hair of Yahoo Serious. From there each one picks the model they like, with accompanying looks of crushing defeat from the models when one of the designers goes another way. It’s kind of too early in the season to really get an idea of the models so I’ll just kind of move on.
Heidi tells then that today’s challenge they will be designing for “An icon of American beauty,” OHMIGOD! It’s Star Jones, I just know it! Heidi turns to the big Project Runway silhouette as the woman appears and starts to turn the corner . It’s….. A woman! With…some sort of sash. Umm, is it the Strawberry Festival queen from Wethersfield CT? Wait no. It’s got to be the Miss Apple Blossom Festival Pageant winner! Winchester PA in da house! What? No? Oh. It’s Miss USA Tara Conner. Her two main goals this year are winning the Miss Universe pageant and making sure Cyberdyne systems does not start a nuclear war thus unleashing evil Austrian cyborgs to ravage our future landscape. But mostly winning Miss Universe.
Now to you and me, Miss USA is not exactly awe inspiring. But in the world of Project Runway, where 80% of the contestants are gay dressmakers, it’s the next best thing to Liza herself walking onstage. Or to put it another way, if I was a contestant on the show and the person who we were told to design an outfit for was non other than Boba Fett, intergalactic bounty hunter, I would have reacted the exact same way Kayne did when he saw Miss USA. Eyes bulging, smiles and even some hyperventilating. Miss USA tells the designers that their challenge is to design a gown for her upcoming competition for Miss Universe. And they better do a good job because the contestants from Rijel 6 of the Quxxor Galaxy are looking strong this year.
Back in the workroom Tim appears with Tara by her side. She tells Tim that this year she is the second tallest contestant in the pageant (smallest contestant? Ruby Hardbottle of the Shire) so she wants a dress that will elongate her form. She is looking for earth tones and she does not want a plunging neckline because, as she says, she “does not want them to see this” and points to her bazoombas. She is so gonna lose.
“I got boobs y’all!”
Tim then explains that this week everyone will be working in teams. They will all be given 30 minutes to come up with an initial sketch and then Miss USA will meet with each of them and pick the top 7 designs she likes. Those people will then become team leaders and choose another person to help them carry out their vision. This challenge stresses teamwork.
Once Tim drops that nugget we hear Angela fret that she has never designed a gown before so she hopes that she gets paired with someone with excellent “construction skills”, meaning she hopes she gets picked by someone who knows what to do.
During the sketch phase Angela puts her plan into motions. She eschews any actual “sketching” in favor of a better strategy. Glom onto Kayne, the guys whose specialty is designing pageant gowns, and kiss his ass so he will pick her as a partner. It has the exact opposite effect as she is so annoying and won’t leave him alone to sketch, he only gets annoyed with her.
Once the half hour is up they bring their ideas before Tara. Laura stresses her architectural designs. Michael Knight naturally goes with the goddess look. The goddess look with the sweet padunkadunk. That’s his style. Jeffrey tells her he wants to reveal her “strong warrior structure”. Miss USA has a warrior structure? Keiths presentation gets a little more interactive as he grabs her breasts to explain to her how he’s going to have everything fitted. Then he looks at her with his best Travis Bickle stare and says, in the creepiest tone imaginable “I want to see your legs. I think your legs are so important. They’re gorgeous.” Tara just gives a look that simply says “God where is my rape whistle when I need it?”
“You talkin’ to me? You talkin’ to me? Well, I’m the only one here. Who do the f*ck do you think you’re talking to?”
Vincent comes out and does his insanity pitch. This dude is seriously mentally unstable. So much so I think his sketches were drawn with a mixture of his own feces and menstrual fluid. When it’s Kayne’s turn he is talking so fast he looks as if he’s going to give himself an aneurysm. He loves pageants! He says that Tara is “Freaking gorgeous” and wants to frame her face. She eats it all up.
Then it’s Angela’s turn. She starts off by telling Tara that “she doesn’t sketch” so she’s just going to ask her some questions. “How do you feel about an umpire waist?” OK, I admit I know little about fashion, but do you think Miss USA would ever be into something called an “umpire waist”? When Tara just gives her a pained look Angela snaps back “Okay that’s all I need to know! How do you feel about gloves?” Not gonna happen. It’s also worth noting Angela’s presentation is probably hurt by the fact that she is dressed like a crazy bag lady.
Angela just screams glamour doesn’t she?
After the interviews are over Tara makes her choices. She chooses Laura, Malan, Keith, Vincent, Jeffrey, Kayne and Uli. Now its time for the team leaders to pick their teammates. Laura picks Michael, Kayne goes with…. Robert. Angela gets denied. Jeffrey picks Allison. Malan picks Catherine. Uli goes with Bonnie and Keith grabs Bradley, leaving Angela the last one picked for kickball. “I’m happy to work with Alison.” Vincent says. “Angela” she corrects him. Tim says they have 2 days and a 300 dollar budget. Now its time for shopping. Off to Mood we go. Things between Angela and Vincent get off to a rocky start because Angela is a btich and Vincent is insane. Angela is concerned that Vincent is too busy babbling incoherently instead of choosing fabric. Angela tells us that she is not inspired by his vision at all and is getting nervous.
Back in the workroom Kayne and Robert are thick as thieves. Robert says it’s “like a comedy show because we crack each other up”. Cut to Kayne making really lispy gay jokes about fuschia, with head snaps included. Mind of Mencia is funnier. Bonnie is wondering whether it’s one or two person elimination. Then she tells Uli “I want to see people start fighting.” Well her wish is granted as we cut to Vincent and Angela. Angela is asking Vincent if he needs any help, but Vincent blows her off. He’s not interested in help. He then explains to her that the only person that he needs help from is his imaginary friend Charlemagne that lives in his pants.
Malan and Katherine seem to be doing well together. Katherine is happy that Malan picked him. Malan then gives us a little bit of his history. “When I was about 13 I had a stack of sketches that I drew. When I went to my mother and showed her the sketches she looked though the first few pages, she threw them on the floor and said they wouldn’t ever amount to anything and that I should never do that again. Project Runway will give me a chance to show her.” Damn. Why does that remind me of Hannibal Lectors childhood?
Angela and Vincent meanwhile are still fighting. Vincent gets so frustrated. That he tells Angela that “you have to move 3 feet back now”. Angela gets pissy right back and says “I stepped back one and a half feet so you can step forward one and a half feet.”. This sends Vincent into his insane spasms of hand motions and gibberish.
The next morning Tim makes his first walk through. He loves Uli’s concept but says it needs perfect finishing. Over at Robert and Kayne’s station he likes it but wants them to get rid of some of the ruffles. Then it’s Vincent’s turn. He tells him he wants to be blunt “I’m disappointed”. Then he asks Angela what she thinks. She says she would not want her name attached to that dress. In the diary room interview Vincent expresses shock that Angela would badmouth him that way. Well he did ignore her and not accept any help from her so what did he expect her to say?
Over at Malan’s station Tim looks concerned. Malan has crated what I can only assume is a dress made entirely out of diarrhea. Which I think is amazingly creative. Tim says it looks heavy. “Like it was carved out of a big log.” This leaves Malan concerned. Katherine tells us that she is also getting more concerned about how the piece looks. She starts to distance herself from it in order not to get booted.
Over at another station Laura is telling Michael about how something has to be altered to keep the model from looking like she is “pooping”. That’s a good instinct. Robert and Kayne are adding all tons of Rhinestones and Vincent and Angela are still bickering. When Angela tries to tell him not to tell the judges that he ran out of time on the dress, Vincent just snaps back and tells her that it’s his dress and he likes it and to basically shut up.
Back in the apartments she is telling the girls that she is worried that they are going to be in the bottom three and she is going to have to defend herself. In the boys room Vincent is bitching about how Angela is going to “stab her in the back”, meaning she is going to give her honest opinion on the dress she had absolutely no input on. Jeffrey pops his naked body around the corner “I’ve got one word to sum her up. Feminazi.” Yes of course. Her demeanor is perfectly equitable to a group of men who murdered over 6 million people. And of course don’t forget the insult to feminism. Freaking women who think for themselves. They are so annoying….
The next morning Tim pops into the workroom and tells him its time to prep the models for the runway. Kayne and Uli are thrilled with their looks but Katherine is horrified when they finally drape Malan’s shit dress on their model. Vincent and Angela are still bickering in the corner. Now they are fighting about what time they have to be ready, with Angela saying its 12:15 when its really 12:30 and Vincent convinced that she lied to screw him up. Then he attacks her for not “helping” with the gown, conveniently forgetting that she tried and he refused all help and ordered her to stand 3 feet away from him. Wes from Real World is more mature than these two. Enough of this nonsense, lets see models in the underwear!
On the runway Heidi comes out and introduces thee judges. Sitting in for Michael Kors is the equally fabulous Vera Wang. Damn, now that this shows popular they are bagging all the top guest spots. Season one we Had Richard Johnson ogling the 16 year old models at a cocktail party, now we got the classy and fabulous Vera Wang. Then Nina and finally Miss USA Tara, wearing a 70′s feathered look that went out months ago.
Then the runway show starts. Jeffrey is amazed at how “beautifully grotesque way the skirt was draped”. As opposed to the horrifically grotesque way his 9 inch neck somehow manages to be thicker than his actual head. Then cut to Alison saying she wasn’t happy with the dress at all. Keith’s dress comes out all flowing and both he and Bradley are happy with it. Even Vincent is happy with his dress as we here, and Angela just tells us in her voiceover that it isn’t her dress and she wants nothing to do with it.
As Kayne’s model walks out the first thing you notice is his models fierce walk. It looks a little prom dressy to me but what do I know, I’m currently wearing a “boob inspector” t shirt. Uli’s s looks very Santinoish. Laura’s dress is very simple and elegant. I admit her runway models walk is a little stiff though. And she looks about 12 years old, which is gross. I prefer them to look at least 14. I’m no pervert.
When Malan’s shit monster dress comes down the runway Malan thinks he put his best foot forward but Katherine is afraid. Very afraid.
I think it makes her look hippy..
After the show Heidi asks Kayne and Robert, Malan and Katherine, Uli and Bonie, Vincent and Angela to step forward. Everyone who’s name she has not called can leave the runway. Ooh, see that? She flipped it. Always messing with your head are the Germans. The 4 remaining teams have the highest and lowest scores. Also, there will only be one person going home today, not two.
Uli and bonnie are up first. Vera Wang likes the layering she put into it, and Tara Likes the back. Kara also loves the sweet heart top on Kayne’s. And she really loves the color. Nina singles him out for praise in regards to the color, since he went against Tara’s wishes but his choices were right on. She likes his initiative.
Malan’s. Well what can you say about a shit dress? The ruffling is mess, just making it look more gross. None of them like it and then they notice that the whole dress is too short. But to Malan’s credit when asked who should go home from their team, he volunteers himself.
And now Angela and Vincent. The battling Bickersons. When they ask Vincent about how it was working together, Vincent says that the work he had to put into it was “astronomical” because of all the mistakes Angela put into it. Angela. The one who didn’t get to do anything. Gee, kind of puts a whole new dimension on the “Feminazi” conversation earlier where you and the boys club were horrified at the prospect of her “stabbing you in the back”.
Surprisingly Nina likes parts of it and while Vera doesn’t like the sleeves, thinks the idea itself is sophisticated. When Angela says that she doesn’t think the dress stand out, Tara thinks it does. Next comes my favorite part. When they ask Vincent who should go home from their group, he says that what Angela put her through was “horrific”. Vincent is not one for understatement. You know what’s horrific? Living in Baghdad. Growing up hungry in a third world country. Designing a dress with a bad partner on a reality show is a minor annoyance. And then he says that Angela should be the one to go home if the dress sucks. Even though it was all his vision. As you can tell, I really don’t like Vincent. I’m not thrilled with Angela either, who coasted her way through this challenge. Vincent then throws in a final overstatement by calling the challenge the “nightmare of my life” Even Uli the taciturn German laughs at him on that one.
After the judges confer they bring them out again. Heidi tells Robert and Bonnie that they are safe and can leave. Now its time to announce the winner. The winner is…Kayne. The guy who owns a pageant gown shop. What a shock! Heidi then tells Uli, Katherine and Vincent that they are in and can leave. So its down to Malan and Angela. They tell Malan basically what his mother told him. He failed from top to bottom. Their beef with Angela is her failure to work with a team. And the loser is….Malan. He is out.
After Malan leaves and we get his post eviction interview he cries and talks about how ashamed he is, how he doesn’t have a lot of friends. Damn, even I’m feeling bad for the guy now. Tins is not how reality shows are supposed to work dammit.
Ah well, it was the best choice really. His dress sucked and Angela, while not working well with Vincent the insane psycho, didn’t deserve to go home.
What did everyone else think?