Two Thumbs Don
Gasmii! Welcome back! This week PR resolves to reveal me as a fraud and make you all hate me! Since this is the mini-cap you wouldn’t notice as much but I might as well come clean: I am a fair-weather PR fan.
That’s right, when PR left the tawdry Rainbow Shores of Bravo and sallied forth on Lifetime’s Sea of Battered Wives (extra salty), I conveniently misplaced my remote control. My only defense is that the day I saw TVGASM and the glittering snark of Flipit, I galloped to rejoin the herd. So if you look poorly on me for not knowing the majority of the also-rans featured on this episode, perhaps you will have enough charity to remember that my extreme love and loyalty to you and the ‘Gasm has taught me, for the first time, what channel Lifetime is on.
On to the show!
For no reason whatsoever, Lexus chooses who is paired with who in this season’s First Team Challenge. They have to design evening wear for former PR stars to wear to the Grammies, and winning designers get to attend too! Hooray, volatile obnoxious people forced to cooperate! TV Dynamite.
Blorpheus gets Fabio the Freegan. I think that was the only partner they could be sure he wouldn’t try to eat. Eating animals that live off carrion is wrong, you know that if you grow up in the South. Speaking of, Skunk is teammates with Afrasian, which they both deserve? Mystopher (NEW NICKNAME ALERT – because I still can’t decide if he’s adorable or insufferable), is paired with Grandma Moses, Vampire Bangs gets Dreads (go Team Hair!) …. and everyone snipes about how much everyone sucks.
I do know Kenley-or the loud one that sassed the judges once and All-Star bombed once. She was very one-note, but good at that note. The other note she’s good at is Chalkboard Nails, listening to her loud braying eventually reduces me to beg for an isolation chamber with Buffi.
I also know Anya, or the half-hair porn-star beauty-queen who won PR by knowing her way around a glue gun. Around and around and around it.
“What, me? Fashion?”
I remember and love Laura, the classically-minded old redheaded broad who had a million children, four jobs and age-appropriate high fashion style. Proving you really can Have It All.
“Six kids!?!? You have six? I have one, her name is Avery, she can’t be seen on TV with me. Six is too many. You need to close up your legs! I will not let you open your legs again. I’m serious, close your legs right now! You know you can’t drink when you’re pregnant, right? Close your legs!”