Sigh. Here’s the deal… I watched the last episode of Project Runway back when it aired originally, on December 21st. That same night, Martha Stewart’s wondrous “Apprentice” finale aired and I made the difficult Sophie’s Choice to do the Martha recap first. I was up against the clock, as I was slated to go away for the holidays and recapping wouldn’t be so easy. I tried… I really, really tried to get it done before the long holiday hiatus. Then there were parties and bowl games and snow to shovel (and shovel… And shovel) and on and on. (Not to mention losing my original recap over a week ago to a jittery “do not save changes” gaffe.) Boo fricking hoo.
Alas, I did not get the recap done. As a result, here we are, nearly two weeks later with only the faintest memories of Santino’s embarrassing lingerie ode to “Heidi’s Homeland” still lodged in our brains – right in that weird spot with things that are supposed to turn us on, but somehow repulse us. Kind of like having outdoor sex and being caught by a relative (or EdHill) or broccoli flavored ice cream. Such was the mad creation of Mr. Santino – lingerie that made me feel icky. Two things come as a result of this absurdly late recap: One, a really chintzy shortened screencap-heavy version of the genius recap I had in my head 2 weeks ago while driving through New Jersey headed home for the holidays and two, a New Year’s resolution: Get the goddamn recaps done quicker. As eluded to, the challenge was to create a “line” of lingerie. Each designer had 30 minutes to sketch his or her idea and then Heidi picked her four favorites of the 12. The best sketchers, by far, were Daniel F(rantic) and TVgasm’s official choice, Diana Eng. Next time you watch the show and the Engster is on screen, envision someone’s hand up her ass making her mouth move. Your enjoyment of an already enormously enjoyable show will be increased 10-fold as only her lower jaw moves when she talks. It’s totally freaky. Heidi chose those two plus Daniel V(alium) and Santino as the top four. Santino’s was odd from the outset – I don’t know about you, but when I think of German underwear I think of either the classic lederhosen or some hardcore BDSM schietzer-type stuff. Not the goofy rufflely crap Santino ultimately came up with. But I can’t forget Guadelupe’s sketch (below). Her Underoos-rehash called to mind the unparalleled sketchwork of our resident artiste, B-Side.
After Daniel made some sort of skeevy pass at the flawless Ms. Klum, each team was selected: Daniel Valium chose Andrae and Zulema, Daniel Frantic opted for Kara and the increasingly likable Chloe, Santino went with Nick and Emmett and Diana took Lupe and Marla. This last team drew the ire of Santino: “I think the three of them are so f*cking lame. They haven’t had sex in their entire lives.” Whoa? Where did that come from dude? I couldn’t make it out, the wholly asexual Emmett followed up with some comment. These guys are just being dicks now… And besides, I wouldn’t be surprised if Diana is indeed a virgin – but you damn well know she’s built one kick-ass automated mechanical sex machine back at her apartment that responds viscerally to her every sexual ache and whim. Christ, it probably even makes her upper mouth move once in a while.
Each team bought their fabric and had 2 days to put the 3 pieces together. There were lots of sewing scenes and harried designers not getting exactly what they wanted from their teams. Emmett, it turns out, can’t sew for shit… Prompting Santino to refer to him as, “A sack of potatoes” and, “Dead weight.” Daniel Valium remained calm and focused while Daniel Frantic drove his two charges nuts. Props to Chloe, who did her best to keep Mr. Frantic in line. This proved to be an impossible task, but at least she tried. I imagine his hairdresser has the same problem every visit; “Daniel, dude, I can’t let you leave my salon with this horrible ‘do again,” but it’s all for naught.
Tim Gunn showed up as per usual and expressed concern over Diana’s whole concept. But he reserved his most cutting remark for Frantic; “It’s looking like Joan Collins to me.” “Really, that bad?” queried Frantic. That’s why Tim Gunn rules – Frantic’s conservative creations were shaping up to be EXACTLY what Joan Collins would wear… Better than Mrs. Roper and her robes I suppose. *Shudder* Santino didn’t need Tim there to tell him he was in trouble. Emmett hadn’t done anything in the way of production and the deadline was fast approaching and… What’s this? Santino crying? The delicious irony of him laughing at tender little Andrae two week’s prior was pungent in the air. Oh… Wait… That’s just Santino’s nasty body stink.
The next day the models arrived and with one hour remaining, the fittings began. And, of course, Daniel Frantic began changing his mind about his designs left and right. Kara came close to stabbing him with her scissors a few times, as he snipped here and undid there. Diana had another problem – a model who wouldn’t wear anything she regarded as, “Skimpy.” Um, what? Your job is to wear the clothes your paid to wear. Since when does a the lowest level of the modeling caste get to dictate what she will and will not wear? I predict she will be booted on the next episode – and good riddance. She made our Engstress add a bunch of fabric to her “lingerie” making it more like a deconstructionist cocktail dress of sorts. The fitting portion of the show was particularly enjoyable for, um, fashion mavens like myself:
Merry Christmas to ME
To their credit, Santino’s crew (Nick and Emmett) were not exactly confident in their work. They knew it was too tacky and corny and overdone. Time would tell how the judges felt about the four collections and damn, there’s Victoria Secret Angel Alessandra Ambrosio judging. This show RULES.
And a Happy New Year!
I actually liked Diana’s design despite Tim’s reservations. In her words, it had a playful bondagey sort of vibe and actually looked kind of pretty on the runway. Daniel Valium’s were simple, classic, and actually lingerie that a human woman on earth might actually wear once in a while. Frantics were fine, but all from the same old lady mold as Tim mentioned. Then there was Santino’s collection, dear Lord. A mixture of gingerbread man, vaudeville, and Santa’s reindeer. (Incidentally, here’s an interesting explanation of the reindeer names from snopes.)
Without any fanfare, Valium was declared the winner for his “normal” designs and Diana was passed through as well. This left Santino, Frantic, and their teams on the runway for the final judging. Judge Nina lit into Santino telling him, “It’s just not aesthetically pleasing.” Hey Nina, in my neck of the woods we usually just say, “That shit is ugly as hell.” Despite her politeness and obviousness, Santino still became defensive with a mocking, “Oh, I’m sorry!” You know what? Santino really is just a dick.
On the other end of the spectrum, poor li’l Daniel Frantic was dealing with incredibly hot supermodels mocking his vision. Alessandra laughed and told him his designs were for, “Old ladies.” As has become almost custom now, Daniel began crying and simpering – but at least he rightfully martyred himself as he said he would. The deliberation was heated, as Nina wanted Santino gone based on his latest abomination – past successes be damned. In the end, it came down to Santino and Daniel Frantic and I must tell you, I was eager with anticipation.
Santino… you EEN! This meant that Daniel Franco has the distinct pleasure being OUT twice on “Project Runway.” Now please, dude, take that hair of yours and Run. Run so far away.