This week’s Project Runway presented me with quite a challenge. How does one recap a recap show? At first I thought I could just recap it by recapping the recap using old recaps, but felt that that might come dangerously close to ripping apart the space time continuum. The last thing any of us needs is to wake up in a world where we never won World War II and Carrot Top is our president.
Then it hit me. Just do one of those half-assed screencap filled recaps where you just hit on the high points of the hour long reunion show. And as some of my fellow writers can attest, there is nothing quite like the feeling of phoning one in. But seriously folks, the reunion, while not as eventful as last year’s wine spilling, “F you” laced extravaganza, did have its moments. In fact if this hour of television taught us anything it was this: the introduction of liquor into almost any situation is a good thing, and Guadalupe left us far too soon.But before we start, my heartfelt apologies for such a late recap. The “recap of a recap” quandary had me stumped for days. As many of you may or may not know, Project Runway is a runaway hit. In fact you could say that they might even have to call it…. Project Runaway! Get it? Runway, Runaway!? Ah well, they can’t all be home runs. As I was saying, this show is a hit. And if there is one thing networks know how to do well it is to milk a hit for every penny it is worth. The six night a week Coca Cola ad that used to be American Idol being a perfect example. So what to do when your big hit show is about to finish its run, but you still want to sell an hour’s worth of commercial time? Stage a reunion show! But before you stop reading this recap let me assure you that this is no lame ass Survivor-like reunion show, or worse yet, those hour long Apprentice reunion borefests. None of that here. In fact Bravo has really perfected the whole concept of a reunion show. Step 1, bring everyone together beforehand and give them free booze. Step 2, show lots of diary clips of people badmouthing each other and watch the reactions. Step 3, spring surprises on them like bringing out jilted models with marshmallowy legs.
The show opens with a brief recap of the season so far and then a one by one introduction of every booted castmate since the beginning, in chronological order, all meeting up in a bar. I have to tell you the season has just flown by because a lot of these people I barely remember. There was the fat guy who is now not a fat guy and the cute southern gal with a lot of sass. Then there was Kristen who is now preggers. Raymundo, who could give Andrae a run for his money in the Gaylimpics. The twice rejected Daniel Franco, whose ego has been stomped on for so long it makes me worried that he will not be able to follow his bliss. The gloriously crazy Guadalupe. Marla the plagairist and Dirty Diana (we even get a brief clip of Dirty Diana in her prime). Emmett and his man tits. Zulema, who in the four months since she got booted from the show has probably showered twice. Andrae, who’s still bald and gay. Kind of a Blofeld meets Liberace. Nick, the elimination that hurt the most. Finally we have the last person eliminated, hippie granola girl Kara, who is now engaged. Man I can’t wait to see that wedding. I imagine it’ll be in the woods somewhere with lots of hemp and a shaman there to ward off daingah.
Now that they are all liquored up nice and good they bring them to the reunion with Tim Gunn and Heidi, who has by this time given birth to the mole man baby. They do a brief “how has your life been” recap where we find out that Nick designed a dress for a woman from some show called “Desperate Housewives”. Heidi mentions that the Barbie’s from the show were very hard to get. “They sold like Bagels!” she exclaims. Oh Heidi. Hotcakes, Bagels, hey whatever, she’s German.
After that they bring out our final three finalists. Daniel, Chloe and Santino. Everyone gangs up on Santino for his shit talking, especially the oversensitive Daniel Franco. Santino handles himself pretty well. It’s all a psych-out game and doesn’t really mean anything, he says. Then we see a clip of him bitching about everyone, including a part where he asks Emmett to “eat my ass.” You aren’t gonna see that on any crappy Apprentice reunion. Don’t get me wrong, I’d love to have Carolyn invite someone to toss her salad on national TV, it’s just not something I expect to happen anytime soon. Maybe May sweeps. But I digress. Where was I? Oh yeah, Santino. He even has the gall to complain about Diana’s voice. Pot, meet Kettle. Santino’s voice is so strange every time I hear it I think it’s someone calling in a ransom demand using one of those voice box scramblers. I half expect to see Mel Gibson pop into frame screaming “Give me back my son!!”
When Heidi asks the group what they think of Santino, Guadalupe screams out “I love Santino!”. Yes. Yes you do Lupe, but no as much as those five apple martinis and a half-digested tablet of thorazine that’s currently swimming in your belly. Consider this drunken outburst number one. And boy, she’s just getting warmed up. Andrae also has something to say about Santino. “It’s not true that sticks and stones hurt your bones but words can never hurt you. Words can be very hurtful”. Wow. Really Andrae? So wait, are you telling me you can’t bake 4 and 20 blackbirds in a pie?
After a few minutes of back and forth about Santino we finally get to one of the true gems of the show. Tim Gunn says he has a question from TV viewer Arian for Guadalupe to which Lupe screams out “Heyooooh Arian!” Santino wonders aloud if they have been drinking. Yes. Yes they have Santino. And it’s glorious. The question is “Did you feel that you’re elimination was fair even though Marla had plagiarized a dress Nicky Hilton wore before.” and Lupe’s response was such a perfect blend of insanity and drunkenness I present it to you now, verbatim:
“Honestly, I can only give him a personal critique. Nobody would ever know, unless they personally respond to me would know, what my personal response is. And that is of me. And personally I believe you can’t like push the boundaries and, like Johnny Cash walk the line and…”
At this point Heidi interrupts saying she has no idea what she is talking about, thus missing the point of the entire moment. Tim Gunn tries to rephrase the question by simply asking her if she felt her elimination was fair. Lupe continues to paint her masterpiece:
“Understand that Marla has an aesthetic that I cannot duplicate. But Marla has an aesthetic that she cannot duplicate. And Arian, on national television, if you can get this, you f*cking rock, because you believe in what is true. Period.”
Tears are streaming down my face at this point as Tim interrupts her and says “this is the biggest bunch of bullshit I’ve heard in weeks.” Damn, what the hell was Tim doing a few weeks ago that outdid this?
From here we go to another high point of the episode and revisit Andrae’s runway meltdown, which you may remember from the very first episode. On the original airing it was edited down to a few minutes, but now we find out that the whole thing lasted 10 minutes. Ten amazing minutes where he cries and wails about everything from the meaning of his career to the beautiful woman that his model truly is to his lack of honey mustard sauce for the chicken Mcnuggets he had at lunch. We know it lasts this long because as they show the clips we get to see an “elapsed time” counter at the bottom of the screen. See, Bravo gets it.
Andrae’s response to the clip is that “That is so hard to watch on just a human level.” Oh I disagree Andrae. It’s unbelievably watchable. As watchable as the next montage of Andrae’s gayest hits where we see him flying around like Tinkerbell from place to place. Kind of reminded me of this guy.
Then we have our Tim Gunn moment. We see his greatest clips telling everyone to “make it work”. We also get another series of clips seeing Santino do his Tim Gunn impression. Listening to Santino doing Tim Gunn speaking the lyrics to Nine Inch Nails’ Closer was comic genius, I have to admit.
Next up is hearing them talk about Zulema’s alter ego “Shatangi.” This of course is all a way to try and excuse the fact that Zulema was a giant bitch by saying it wasn’t her but her “alter ego.” Kinda like how my alter ego killed a hobo last night and made a suit coat from his skin. But hey it wasn’t me, it was my alter ego. From here we segue into the great model walk off of 2005. Everything gets very Oprahesque as Nick talks about how she stole his muse. Then Tarah talks about how she wasn’t happy because the word was that Rachael didn’t like Zulema’s crappy half-assed glued-on designs. What a shocker. This leads to Zulema ragging out Rachael with fingers flailing. Oh wait, I mean “Shatangi”.
Next up we get a look at all the diary interviews from the season. And of course they pick out the most outrageous ones to cause the most trouble. Everyone is trashing everyone else. And I really miss the fact that contestant Heidi left before we really got to know her as her down home southern sass was the perfect straight man (no pun intended) to all the flamboyantly gay designers. “The dude with the green hair and the yellow stuff? OK, his name’s what? Rahmundo? Rah-mun-do? Where’s he from?” See, it’s like a crazy fish out of water sitcom!
After a brief and unfunny musical montage (I’m setting a record for # of times I use that word in a recap) we go to a question to Heidi about why she scored Daniel’s lingerie lower than Santino’s frilled out train wreck. For those of you that may have missed it, this then sets up the funniest moment of the entire show for me. A true “LOL” as they say. Since describing it doesn’t really do it justice, click on Daniel below to witness it yourself;
On that note I will end this trip down memory lane. The only other thing we get is everyone’s predictions. And who cares what their predictions are? We all know Chloe is gonna walk away with it. Or maybe Daniel. But definitely not Santino.
What do you guys think?