Project Runway: A Tight Race for Hideous

Previously, Jackie O’s memory was lobotomized and Michaelths was sent away to one of those Church camps that erase lithpsth.

We open tonight with April and Wretchen waking up. Wretchen sleeps with a roll of toilet paper and bottle of lotion on her nightstand. Must be really fun for April to try and get some zzzs while Wretch does dirty things in the dark to thoughts of sustainable whaling or what have you. Sorry to be gross, but Wretchen started it.

Keep it in your pants, Wretch. You’re on TV.

 

Wretch tells us that Michaelths was a “very light presence”. That’s one way to put it. Nicest gay slur I’ve ever heard.

Hippie Dongstocking

She says with Michaelths gone, the show is now a competition. Wretch is trying to say something nice, but of course she just intimated that now that the hack’s cut it doesn’t feel like playtime any more and it’s become a real race. I think I would like Wretch if she dropped the trying to be nice act and went straight for in your face bitch. It would be more fun. I miss Kenley Penley and her fifties bangs.

Petty Page

 

Because another boy was sent home, Mondo and Christopher have to move in with Trandy and Chunky Mike. They’re not happy, and I don’t blame them. You know it smells like stale ass and old cheese in that apartment.

Stale ass and old cheese.

Just stale ass. And Aqua Net.

When Mondo’s talking about you in the gayfessional like you’re the weird one, it’s time to check yourself.

I’m sorry. I couldn’t hear you over the Hello Kitty vibe you’re giving off.

Trandy is glad for the company, especially if one of them brings a Glade Plugin with them. Valerie talks to Zombie Hivy about learning not to listen to the judges and go with her heart. You did go with your heart. And then the judges told you your heart was tacky. Hivy’s like “aw sugar no you’re totally great!” but inside you know she’s like “um I’ve been on the bottom 46 times and it’s only week 9. Cry me a river, human. Mmmm….human.”

Breakfast time! Get up and RUN!

Other Asian Guatemalan Valerie loves Hivy. Yes, she’s a zombie that eats human flesh. Yes, she’s kind of a bitch. Yes, her breath smells like dead toddlers stewing on a stove. But she’s super passionate and moderately talented and hasn’t eaten Valerie yet, so she’s got Val’s vote.

Hey we’ve all got issues.

Fat Bitch Heidi comes out on the runway wearing a fancy superhero costume with a flat abs panel on the front like we’re in front of Mann’s Chinese Theater.

I veel safe da vorld. From carbps.

 

Her “clue” is whoever wins will be taking home a chunk of change. Woohee girl that was a hard day’s work. Go take a load off. Tim waits for the designers in the workroom with Collier Strong and a pile of makeup.

Gay Liotta

The challenge is a high fashion look for a l’oreal ad. I can’t wait to see the fancy drawsting cargos Hivy and Wretchen come up with for this one. Couture! Wow moment! Chunk leans his chunkhawk back and prays to his little angel, Fat Bitch Heidi.

Everyone is still mean to me, Saint Fat Bitch! Please hand me another win!

Chunk is wearing some kind of ripped up t-shirt. I don’t know why. I think he should be eliminated for the fauxhawk alone.

Stop walking near Hivy.

Chunk is super excited about this challenge and asks “Millions and millions of women are gonna see my add?” A: NO. But your delusional positive attitude is adorable. From a distance and holding a FF button. Mondo is excited to do something over the top cuz “that’s who I am”. He says this in his Bratz costume, in case we don’t believe him. He looks like a little girl starting to grow a mustache because of all the hormones in milk.

The dog tags are what really makes this ensemble butch enough to work.

The winner of this challenge will win twenty grand!! Mondo hasn’t made over 12,000 dollars a year ever, which is disturbing. I wish I had his number. I could help him get a job at the restaurant I work at. He’d make the cutest little bus girlboy circus midget ever. Come on, Mondo, make an effort. The guys who stand outside the Homo Depot make more money than that. Hivy says she is broke too and can’t wait to win this challenge. Girl, you’ll have to eat those judges first and I have a feeling Nina is more lethal than your newly dead ass. That bitch has had practice.

This ad will feature the winning design alongside some l’oreal eyeshadow combinations and some tupperware products off the GLAD accessories wall. If you can match a skinny bitch’s eyes to the blue lid on the little round container that keeps tuna salad fresh you’ll be RICH! Tim warns them against using velvet, and everyone picks an inspiration out of the bag. Bright, metallic, etc. Wretch is gonna do velvet cuz it’s a HUUUUGE risk and Tim said not to and she’s Hippie Dongstocking today so she’s ignoring every adult on the planet.

Unless a dolphin died in the making of your sustainable hippie couture, I want no part of it Wretch!

 

As she announces her velvet choice, she pauses for someone to pat her on the back and call her a brilliant rebel, but no one does. Hivy doesn’t want the judges to think she’s only capable of using muted colors. I don’t think the judges would call you capable, so do what you want! Couture cargo pants aren’t the worst idea in the world. How bout making a couture bib so you don’t gross us out every time you do a gayfessional after snacking on a PA?

They get three hundred dollars to do this. I can’t believe Mondo doesn’t just grab that cash and run. That’s more than he’s made in an entire week, like ever. Wretch says that now they have to be true designers. I don’t know why the camera guy even presses the record button when she’s around. She’s so obnoxious. Mood has a new dog, and when Tim says go, Hivy starts chasing it all over the room. Poor little Swatch 2.

I’m trying to save you, you insurrectionary canis lupus familiaris!

 

I can’t stop staring at Mondo. Today he’s in short shorts, rain boots and knee socks pulled up past his calves. He’s like a really deep gash that turns more and more infected and hideous the more air time it gets.

Hivy is the only one literally using the lid color off the GLAD tupperware products.

Maybe you should just go back to beige.

It’s time to go back to the workroom, so Hivy has to put down the dog. Luckily, it’s only lost one of its back paws.

Poor baby. Sue!

Since anyone with an actual personality has been kicked off by now and this is a two day challenge, we are treated to a two minute montage of the designers standing around staring at their dress forms while bored whistle-y jazz music plays. April is the only one to add a sense of urgency to her process because she knows Tim’s gonna come in and fuck them with some kind of surprise later. Other Asian Valerie chose silk so that she has something to complain about the next hour and a half. They said to do something shocking so you chose black? Make. An. EFFORT. Are you guys wondering if Hivy thinks she’s a good designer? Me too! Let’s ask her! Hivy thinks she’s a really good designer! Moving on.

Chunk is using the same color as Wretchen, and we don’t see in the editing who chose it first. Chunk calls it “bordeaux or something” though, so probably not him. Wretch is offended that Chunk is stealing from her but also mildly flattered. “I’ve created a monster!” No, you’ve created a lot of hippie clothes the color of scabs. Your mother on the other hand? Has some splainin to do. Chunk says that he’s guilty…of loving the color he can’t name and he’s excited to do something better than whatever Wretch comes up with.

Spoiler alert: Chunk also stole the pea puree.

Wretch says the hardest part of this challenge is out-complexing her complex complexity. Time to for Gay Liotta makeup consultations! Trandy wants his model to look part cat part woman part man part walrus. Whatever you can do that’s confusing, Liotta, do it! As long as no one can tell what she is his personality will shine through. Liotta says that he can make the girl anything but fat cuz he could get fired for that. Look at the out of the box brilliance Wretch came up with!

I want her to look like a bored white girl. Go!

 

Hivy wants to make sure her look tells a story. A story about little tiny blue people that live on a mushroom and are terrorized by an ugly guy named Gargamel.

La la la la la la, la la la la laaaa!

Mondo just wants to make a dress that bugs can’t get through on a hot summer night.

Tim comes in to check on progress. Other Asian Guatemalan Valerie’s sketch is real perty, but the reality is a tp’ed dress form.

Dream


Reality.

Tim doesn’t have anything rude to say to her, but his hands sure as shit do.

Oh hayell no.

Mondo’s work looks like Mondo’s work. Slutty kindergartener with a hairy chest.

Trandy says his biggest competition is Wretch and Mondo. And authentic vaginas in general, of course. And April. He says he’s sick of always being on the bottom. Well then you’re gonna have to try to get your penis back from the doctor. You kept your receipt right? Tim isn’t giving much advice today. Or they’re cutting it out because he’s been slinging insubordination all over the internets these days. He probably spent the whole time walking around muttering “fuck all y’all”. I think this is the season we might finally get a “I’m mad as hell and I’m not gonna take it any more!” speech from Gunn.

Wretchen says she’s going for something kimono-y or caftan-y. LOL. Clown/Tim walking on eggshells hybrid music starts to play as Tim gives her his “I want to warn you that this is Mrs. Roeper terrible but A. I don’t want my balls kicked and B. I kinda want your bony hippie ass sent back to the adopt a puppy box you were taken out of” face. Finally, he says it looks like a robe. Wretch acts like she’s shocked, as if caftans and kimonos aren’t robe-like at all. Chunk says that Wretch’s work is terrible. He’s getting to talk a lot today. I hope that doesn’t mean he’s out because he’s the last fat person standing and we need a win this year.

Hivy pitches her “waves crashing” pitch and Tim gives her his “you’re a hack but I won’t say that or you’ll eat off my arm” face.

Tim’s “you’re a hack but I won’t say that or you’ll eat off my arm” face.

He warns her that it could become a pageant gown super easily. When he leaves, Wretch tells Mondo that Tim said this challenge is gonna solidify everyone’s future. She believes in her heart that she and Mondo belong in the finals. Mondo falls for it, which makes me wish she had said “I believe in my heart that men shouldn’t wear short shorts and rain boots.”

Model fittings! Chunk is making an Oscar gown from the early 2000′s while Trandy gets his model ready to ship back to the factory.

I like when people treat models like property. Don’t choke on the packing peanuts, skank!

Mondo says his model is too skinny but he keeps her out of loyalty. I don’t think I’ve ever heard someone call a model too skinny on this show. It’s disturbing. If you haven’t lost some hair and teeth from starving yourself you have no right to be here. Don’t start putting caloric ideas into your popsicle stick’s head, Mondo! He tries to fix it but ruins it and has to start over. Why is his dress form a size six anyway? This isn’t a fat girl challenge!

The girls wake up the next morning and whine about how tired they are. Wretch is in the same color as the bedding. If ever there was a time for a Burning Bed remake, it’s now.

Mondo might be firing his model after tonight. He doesn’t say it with words; his model angel shirt speaks for him.

LOL

Second day and we’re only 18 min in, which means Tim is about to come in and screw them over. Sure enough, he comes in and apologizes before announcing that they will have to create a second look as a ready to wear companion for the runway look. Everyone’s shocked. Shocked I tell you! Wretch gives the other designers the perfect opportunity to shove a grapefruit in her mouth and cover it with tape, but no one takes it.

They have to have it done by morning and only get a hundred bucks to do it. April was prepared for this so she’s feeling ok. Let’s go back to Mood! Poor Swatch 2 is limping around, and Hivy has him down her throat in less than a minute. Back at the workroom, Chunk tells us how worried he isn’t while the other designers dream about what they’ll spend the money on if they win. April will buy a miniature pony, Trandy will get a vagina that doesn’t feel like a cold inside out ziplock shoved into his crotch, and Wretchen will buy a real sized pony so she can lecture April about how tiny ponies are gay and she’s only saying this cuz she’s trying to help.

Wretch says all she wants is for credit card companies to stop calling her. Girl, at least you know what it’s like to hear the phone ring. Without them you’d just have an electronic brick with a Scrabble app on it. Mondo says he will drink the money away and maybe invest in a Jack and Jane so he can get discounts on toddler clothes. Dramatic guitar music plays as Other Asian Guatemalan Valerie tells Tim that she’s sucking and scared and she’ll quit if she doesn’t come up with something decent. Tim tells her to grow a pair and gives her his “don’t disappoint Asia and Guatemala” face.

Tim’s “don’t disappoint Asia and Guatemala” face.

She runs to the bathroom and cries her face off. Hivy follows her in there with a bottle of ketchup but unfortunately for her, Val has locked herself in a stall to wah about how much time she’s wasted on prepping material she can’t use now. I hate when girls cry. It makes me feel bad for them. Only boys should cry on this show, cuz I can laugh at them.

LOL

Oh please. You made that “real” woman wear pac man boobs in the fat girl challenge and you’re still here.

Hivy tries to cheer her up with “sucky fucky five dolla me love you long time” jokes, but it doesn’t work.

Sucky fucky five dolla BRAAAAAINS

Wretch comes in too, and the girls support her. She’s touched that her girls came to her aid, but Hivy tells us in the gayfessional that Valerie’s a whiner. Wretch just stays quiet, which is like the best thing she’s done on this show.

The next morning, Hivy is wearing the maid’s head that she scalped at Parsons last night around her neck.

Valerie doesn’t know how she’s gonna come up with time to hot glue gun crap all over it. The boys talk about how suck ass Valerie is. Back at the workroom, Wretch says that she’s nervous that her caftan might not work, but Chunk’s work is stiff and gross so she figures she’ll be fine. I don’t know. Her look is so fug that I’m saving it for the runway. Hair and makeup. YAY! BREAK TIME! Since I know there’s a straight guy who reads these recaps, here’s a little bony gift for you.

You’re welcome, itchy.

Some of this work looks insane. This should be a good runway. Let’s do this! Fat Bitch Heidi comes out wearing chunks of change, to call back to her little clue earlier in the show. If I were there I’d ask her to get me a Diet Coke out of the machine.

Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!

Hi Nina!

Hi Nearsighted Squiggy!

April’s model is wearing Mondo’s short shorts. I think that’s cheating.

This just doesn’t work without the yellow rain boots.

 

Her ready to wear is perfect for a dead bird funeral cocktail party, though, so yay.

Mondo did an Alice in Wonderland with nasty ass split end rat’s nest look. I don’t get it, so it will probably win.

I guess people missing one eyes have to get out of the house sometimes too.

Love his ready to wear. His model looks like a gas pedal.

Hivy’s dress is hideous. It looks like a Smurf in a microwave. And no drawstring pants? WTF??!

Her ready to wear is more of that blue tightly wrapped around the model. Totally vanilla hack, but it doesn’t look as hideous as the first. On closer inspection, I take that back. What is going on with the boobs? That model needs a mammogram stat.

When the side of your boob is as big as a head, it’s time to call a doctor.

Chunk’s work is pretty textbook awards show fare. Not what the stars wear, but the Access Hollywood correspondents would love this.

And the winner iszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

He notices that Nina has seen that his train looks like it got caught in a meat grinder, which scares him.

She’s hiding her face, which means he’s probably right.

The other designers ooh and ahhh as his ready to wear walks, but all I can see is womb. That thing’s fug and makes the model look like she needs stomach skin tightening surgery.

Christopher’s looks like a Dancing with the Stars pro coming out of a cocoon.

Soon you’ll be able to fully embrace your tackiness. For now though, rest. Shhhhhh.

Christopher is usually mediocre, but that’s just bad. His ready to wear is simple and pretty. The neck is a little bizarre, but I guess he had to make some kind of effort to be unique with that one. I’m glad to see a knock kneed model getting some work though.

Wretch is next and WOW. What a piece of shit. She’s stuck with her usual maroon and creme colored gash on the leg coloring. This model looks like a young Mrs. Roeper brought back to life as a bird just to get caught up in the middle of a gang war and left bleeding all over the street. Violent, horrible, and disrespectful to Three’s Company. And birds. And reincarnation. Down with Wretchen!

She thinks her styling is off but otherwise it’s the best work she’s ever done. YIKES. She’s gone with nurse scrubs grey for her next dress and makes her model look like a football player. Man, remember when we thought Wretch would win this thing? She still thinks that. She compliments her work as it walks and oohs and ahhs at herself. No one joins in. UGH.

A nurse takes a lunch break in 1982

Other Asian Guatemalan has just made a poor hunchback wedding dress. What the hell was she sniveling about? This thing looks like it took twenty minutes.

Her ready to wear is full on biker ho.

She talks about how she’s human and she hopes the judges will appreciate that she tried real hard. I don’t think so sugar. Nina looks like she just found a fingernail in her newborn baby shake.

Trandy’s is next. It looks like a drag queen wearing the inside of a shady dark Chinese restaurant, but at least it’s interesting.

His ready to wear is pleathery and tight, and it looks great on the model. He’s really learned to work tranny tacky fabulous into everything he does. Well done, I think?

I guess I didn’t know this when there were actual personalities to enjoy on the show, but these guys are kinda terrible, right? Christopher and April win mediocre stars and are safe. Christopher not being in the bottom three says a lot about how crappy today’s runway show was. Wretch is smiling, obviously thinking she’s gonna win this. No way. This might just be her swan ugly duckling song. Wait! She could be RIGHT! Chunk, Hivy, and Other Asian are in the bottom and told to go wait in the holding tank. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? HOOOOOOOOWWWWWW?
Wretch yammers about making fancy hippie clothes and Kors says that her high fashion look is too wearable but loves the feathers. Heidi thinks it would be better worn backwards, and Nearsighted Squiggy says that he wants more detailing on the front but likes it overall. The judges are all impressed with how butch Trandy is making Michael Jackson look tonight.

Nearsighted Squiggy loves all of it and Kors’ favorite part is the boot pants, which look like a costume from Starlight Express where people played trains on roller skates. Nina likes the cat makeup, and Heidi likes the ready to wear but not the high fashion. Mondo says he was going for a kaleidoscope look. Heidi loves the hat he made. It looks like a phone cord, but I like phones so I guess yay?

Conditioner’s calling. Pick up!

Nearsighted Squiggy loves the rat nest hair. LOL. Nina thinks the fabric looks a little cheap, but Kors loves the back and compliments it by calling it a Kentucky Derby explosion. Um thanks? They are sent to the back and the loozas are brought out. Wretch Cunnt spouts off her opinion, that the bottom three all deserve to be there. SHUT UP. Hivy is first on the grill. She’s so out. Kors calls her work Bridesmaids of the Sea. HAHAH. He calls out the “nurse-y” boobs and says all of the bottoms are bridesmaids. Nina says Hivy made her model look like a crotchety old maid. Squiggy says “not a good dress.” Heidi likes the back of the formal and overall she didn’t hate it as much as everyone else. HA.

Valerie chatters super fast. When she’s done, Squiggy tells her she wasn’t imaginative enough. Kors says it’s like trying to make a winter coat out of toilet paper. Nina “ugh”s and says the model looks like Miss Guatemala. Other Asian Guatemalan points out that Guatemalan is part of her name and Nina laughs and says “no offense!” LOL. Nina makes racism so fun. Kors hates the hunchback hoop and says that the model needs a wand. The judges all laugh. Valerie, to her credit, doesn’t start sobbing. Kors says that just because she sewed three crystals onto the ready to wear doesn’t make it work on a crystal challenge. The judges all openly laugh at Valerie for awhile while she agrees that she’s terrible.

Chunky Mike tries to work his charm and says he’s never been on the bottom. Nina doesn’t look like she’s buying his cutesy act. You can tell cuz she’s got that inflated wattle thing going like she’s morphing into a poisonous frog.

Hivy rolls her eyes at him. HA. Squiggy likes the fabric, but his proportions and color are off. Heidi says he can’t accentuate amazing legs and boobs at the same time. I’ve never heard that rule. Kors says that he’s the only looza who has decently tailored clothes. So his ass is safe. He hates the ridiculous train and Scarlett O’Hara theme. Nina spits frog acid all over them and sends them backstage. In alone time, the judges repeat themselves. Heidi can’t believe how much they liked Trandy’s work, but the guys stand up for it. She likes the simple day dress but that was it.

Nina likes that Mondo uses color and Kors says that he knows construction. Mondo ftw! Heidi loved Wretch’s hippie couture and Kors seconds that. Nina thinks it’s rich enough for a perfect advert shoot. Heidi says the day dress is too simple, but Kors loves the swishiness of it. UGH that dress is disgusting! Nina said the bottom three made costumes for My Fair Lady, the Little Mermaid and Gone with the Wind. Heidi half liked Chunk’s work but the train was a disaster. They all agree that there was nothing salvageable about Other Asian Guatemalan’s work and Kors calls her ready to wear dress Xanax. Yummmmm.

Nina thinks Hivy’s work was tragic and Kors goes off about how bad it was. He says she bites off more than she can chew, literally, and he’s sick of having to hire new PA’s every week because they’re missing limbs. The judges argue about who’s worse: Hivy or Valerie, and they can’t agree. Each has a special kind of hate for those girls. Get rid of em both! Kors calls the day “a tight race for hideous.” HAHAHAH. The kids are brought back out, and Mondo wins! HOLLER! YAY MONDO! Do you know how many little girl outfits he can buy with twenty grand? Hopefully he can buy a tree to hide behind for when bullies are coming down the street while he’s wearing this outfit.

He’s so cute. And horrifying. It’s a nice combo. Trandy and Wretch are both safe, obvs. Chunk is in. Uhoh. Not lookin good for Guatemasia! And….Hivy’s out!!! And Valerie’s…in! BOOOOOO! Valerie doesn’t eat people! Valerie says she’s stunned. Wretch says “you’re in?” LOL Wretchen. Val says that she should have been out and it’s totally not fair. No one disagrees. Hivy cries about how much she loves fashion, and the possum she found in the storage closet isn’t helping her feel any better.

Val says she wishes she could go home for her, but when she doesn’t get up and go back onto the runway to tell the judges that, Hivy gets a pissy look on her face. Tim comes in gives her a hug and a parting gift. I think it’s a gerbil, but I can’t tell cuz she practically inhales it. She hugs Valerie bye and tells her to stop her bitching. Damn. A nasty c word to the bitter end. You gotta admire her consistency. We get to see a little of Mondo’s shoot, and the poor guy gets stuck with a bulldyke director who yells a lot. He’s trying to enjoy his moment, but they’ve made him dress like a boy. Ah well, at least he’s got twenty grand!

 

Next week, fun with printers!