Project Runway All Stars Recap: Unconventional Poorness

Welcome back to Project Runway! This is the first All Star Season, which means we don’t have to suffer through Noobs fucking everything up. Now we can see some of our faves from season’s past fuck it all up! YAAAY! One question: Where’s Pleather? WHERE?!?!?!?!?

I’ll never forget you, as hard as I try.

If you’re new to these recaps, welcome! I’m Flipit. I’m a horrible human being and I know nothing about fashion. Enjoy!

The first shot is of my favorite little Mexican girl. Well, second. First is Dora.

If you just had a cute bilingual monkey, I’d move you up the fave list a notch.

MONDO!! He’s so cute and tiny! Making it all the way to the end and not winning broke his little heart. Nothing makes a girl feel better than short shorts!

Lifetime wrote a note on the wall for you. Hope ya read it, sucka!

I love the freedom the homos have on this show. So refreshing after a childhood of getting pushed into lockers and sent to Child Straightening Camps. It’s like all the gay bashers either got really fat and lazy or had a change of heart. Or got married to other gay bashers and lived a long sexless life.

I vow never to suck on penises. At home. 

Chuuuuuunk!!! WOW! This is like seeing old friends! Well, old friends that I’m afraid will see me and beat me up for the mean shit I said about them. Joy and fear working together for a lovely hour. Chunk is carrying his suit bag above his head, just to show us that he can lift stuff, I guess. Congrats! You’re working out! Nap time!

That must really be burning your biceps. Please cry.

He sees Mondo in the street, squirts some mustard on his fauxhawk, and gets snackin’.

Flaming/Whopper

Mila’s here too! She still cuts her own bangs, thinks highly of herself, and wears really bad lipstick. I don’t think she’d scare me so bad if one eye wasn’t looking right at me while the other bore into my soul like that. Jesus, woman. FOCUS.

You’ll never believe this, but Mila thinks she’s amazing. Anthony is next up!! YAY!!! My favorite bird, The Flamíngay! I was just thinking of him this Summer when I saw The Help.

Minnie don’t burn chicken!

Flamíngay still talks big. Literally. His mouth is fucking huge. He’s also wearing a dead flower, which doesn’t bode well. Still, fingers crossed that he wins this shit, just so I can listen to his sassiness throughout the entire season.

I feel bad for not having a fish to throw in your mouth.

What would a season of Project Runway be without some homeless people jokes? Let’s please welcome back to the stage, Jerell the Hobosexual!

This is my house…slash kitchen slash bathroom slash backyard slash libary.

Hobosexi looks exactly the same. Same dirty ass outfit, same dirty ass scarf. The only thing that’s changed is his degree of meth face. Like most homeless people, he’s got a super positive attitude. The guy outside Whole Foods yesterday was playing Kool & the Gang’s “Celebrate” really loudly on his boom box. The only thought my mind could form was “….really?” Hobosex declares that win or lose, he’ll still have his raggedy ass scarf at the end of the day and that’s all that matters. LOLoveyoumissedyoupleaseneverleave.

My next thought is “Holy shit Gordana has really lost some knee weight! How does that work, exactly? Then I google knee diets.

Dammit! I hate when people lose weight! Your ass knees were my favorite thing about you!

Wait! That’s not Gordana Beaverhausen at all! It’s CrazyFace Elisa Jimenez!! YAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!

I hope there’s a cottage cheese challenge this year. I can make any piece of clothing out of cottage cheese. Except for shoes. Cuz that would be gross. Shoes don’t speak to me like cottage cheese does. Cottage cheese calls me on the phone and tells me secrets.

I absolutely love that this crazy face has made a jean dress out of…wait for it…a jean dress.

She says that she wasn’t very “attached” the first time around, but now she is and she wants to win. Is “attached” the new word for sane? Talented? Sober? I have no idea, but I pray she doesn’t follow through on that promise. One thing I don’t want from CrazyFace is any kind of attachment.

Austin Scarlett is here, too, and he’s fucking hilarious as always. “Someone had to put the star in all star!” He still looks like a woman dressed like a man, and he still has my Aunt Lorraine’s hairdo. Aunt Lorraine scared the bejeezus out of me. She was always hugging really really hard and she talked like Flo from Alice. When she passed, I was kinda relieved. I cried at her funeral, though, cuz she made good pie. I don’t know why I’m still typing. I’m feeling the Lorraine terror all over again looking at this face.

Please don’t hug me.

Kenley’s next. BWAHAHAHAH! They let this bitch back on TV? Lifetime has made some fuckups in the past couple of years, but this makes up for all of them. Well, almost. Wretchen is unforgivable. Kenley says that she can come across as bitchy, mean, and rude sometimes, but SCREW EVERYBODY ELSE! HAHAHAHAH! I love a woman who’s this bold with her c wordiness. She’s not even gonna try to redeem herself. You know in about five minutes, those barrettes are gonna come out and those evil bangs are going to drop down. Can’t. Wait. My favorite news story of the past decade was about Kenley’s fiancé calling the cops on her because she threw a cat at his face.

She runs into Hobosexual and fake laughs her donkey laugh at him while stuffing the obligatory dollar in his tattered jeans. She asks what he’s been doing and he says “You know, workin’!” She laughs for real at that one.

Gordana Bieberhausen! I love seeing her, but I’m pissed that we didn’t get a knee shot to open. I want my ass knees, dammit! Thankfully, no one has introduced her to Rosetta Stone, so everything she says still makes me laugh even though I don’t understand a syllable of it.

Strudel strudel herbeddy der.

The contestants all meet up at an old church, which used to be a club called Limelight (first time I did x and met a tranny! HOLLER!) but is now a retail outlet. Wow. I thought the club was bad. Didn’t Jesus go all apeshit when people turned a church into a store in the Bible? They should just call this club “Fuck You, Jesus” and be done with it.

Club FUJ

Time to see Fat Bitch Heid….wait. Who dis bitch?

I can understand what you’re saying and you’re not obese. The fuck?

I knew there were going to be new judges for this season, but not a new host! NOOOOO!!! I go to back to the only school listed on my facebook page, Wikipedia, to find out who this not Heidingo is. Midwestern girl, hasn’t blown a Weinstein brother, dead sister. How the hell am I supposed to mock her? Then I get to this part: “founder of an organization promoting sustainability and environmentally conscious choice among young people.” Oh choke on a dick. They’re organic.

Mila tells us that Angela is the most versatile model evah! She’s done runway, print, internet, Thrifty Nickel, been drawn on bathroom walls, found on the inside of a Tootsie Pop wrapper, appeared on the Do Not Remove tag on mattresses. She’s a staaaaah! Meh. Never heard of her. She’s like a Heidi that needs to stay hidden at all times to not be on my nerves. HideMe it is.

Ew. April Johnston has been in a really pissed off mood since the last week we saw her. She looks like Dame Helen Mirren. Jesus. Get a prescription, rinse with a little sunshine and take a damn nap, woman. Life shouldn’t be so sad for a young semi pretty semi talented girl!

Lame Helen Mirren

As HideMe blahs on about there being no immunity for any of the challenges this season, we get a fun shot of Sweat P, who did her hair while laying on her side this morning.

This is why everyone should have a mirror right by the front door.

The prizes are insane. A boutique in Neiman Marcus stores, a Guest Editor spot at Marie Claire for a year, equipment, office space and a hundred thousand bucks. The first one to catch a jelly bean in their mouth wins!

Kara Janx would keel to wen da pwize at Marie Cleh, cuz it’s won of dose expeheenses theht’s once in a lyefetyme! You know what else feels good? Haircuts.

Mila says that HideMe just spewed out her wish list to Santa, which means Santa ignored her again this year. Maybe next time don’t be an asshole and he’ll give you what you want and you can stop coming onto my TV to confuse me with your crossed eyes.

Austin tells us how wrong the judges were in season one. He’s awesome! He’s talented! He’s glued his mustache on unevenly!

Is it too early in the episode to be grossed out? No? Then let’s meet the judges and welcome Georgina Chapman!

Not gross on the surface. She’s gorgeous, she’s talented, and apparently she gives good enough head to get a fashion empire and a hosting gig.

I might be poor forever, but at least I don’t have to worry about being suffocated in the middle of the night. Scarlett O’Scare says that he’s thriiiiiiilled that Whoregina is a judge! You always see movie stars in Weinstein produced films wearing her dresses on the red carpet.

Remember Fashion Show, Bravo’s wannabe replacement for PR? You don’t? LUCKY! Well, the show was a giant fail burrito, so the logical thing to do would be to take the star of that mess and bring him here! EyeSack Mizrahi in da house!

Bring in the bag(s)gage.

CrazyFace Elisa says “I. Respect….EyeSack. Mizrahhhchi” like she’s accepting an Oscar at Temple. I don’t think he’s ever heard his name pronounced like challah bread before. The guy is amazing. He can put dyed dogs and human ping pong paddles down the same runway and make millions.

As if knowing this recap would be twenty thousand pages long by minute seven, the producers have gracefully made the first challenge an at home one. The designers have brought their first pieces with them. All they have to do is glue gun it to their popsicle sticks, grab some accessories off the wall of GLAD products, and call it a day. Thirty minutes. GO.

Sweat P’s biggest competition is Janky Janx, who’s brought a black blazer to showcase her skills. If the judges were valets or bathroom attendants, they’d totally hand her the win right now. Chunk is scared of everyone, but especially Rami Achoo, the ego inflated draper. Rami’s inspiration for this piece came from the Disney Concert hall, or a gaping funeral vagina. Take your pick.

Hobosexi’s work is out first. It’s a summer dress taken out of the trash with some chains glued all over it. Summer Casino. The model doesn’t have flies on her face. That’s the nicest thing I could come up with.

Mila’s up next. She’s sticking to her color blocking guns, but that doesn’t mean she can’t grow. Terrible is a plant. You just water it enough and cross your eyes at it and it can thrive. Now she’s not only putting colors that don’t match together for no reason, she’s added in patterns too! Congrats! You’re more terrible than last time!

Kenley has recreated her prom nightmare for us. All her boob stuffing pops out while everyone laughs at her.

Yo pain sho is uuuuugly!

Scarlett O’Scare lithpth poetry about how we’re all born naked, but it’s “one’s nature to embellithsh onethelf.” It’s also our nature to shit ourselves. What’s your point? He’s folded his dress up to make his bag of bones look fat and flat chested, which I always appreciate, but come on! This is the only round where you guys get to make stuff that looks like you spent more than an hour on it.

CrazyFace Elisa has come up with the first interesting thing. A superhero dress straight out of Anthropolgie.

Superpower: Crafting beautiful antique looking door knobs that cost sixty dollars.

Rami’s gaping funeral vagina dress is next, and it’s pretty cool. He launches into his whole “I came to dees contree weeth nuthing on my baaaaack!” I think I’d like you better if you had nothing on your back right now. Your personality sucks, but you work out a lot and I’m a very shallow person. Shut up and take something off, ya arrogant beast.

Gordana Liederhausen herdelyders about how classy her shit is while her bag of bones walks out in red alligator pleather stapled to the sluttiest quinceñera  dress ever. Lawd. This will take two pictures to fully comprehend:

April’s sadness has led her to a pretty cool creation. Definitely the most original so far.

Flamíngay Anthony has made the most beautiful thing I think he’s ever made on the show. It’s the color of Kermit and looks like a zillion other dresses produced in the past few years, but it’s not neon and it fits so YAY!

Chunk’s model is making him question his own sexuality. I’m sure if his sexuality could answer back, it would say “Please stop using me.” For the girl who wants to look like she’s lost three hundred pounds but hasn’t saved up for skin surgery yet.

Mondo’s made a futuristic ho version of one of the ladies in the opening credits of Cheers.

The judges are very awkwardly scripted and gracious with their compliments. HideMe is constantly shocked at everyone and everything going on.

You sewed stuff! WOWEEEEEEE!!!

So no one’s getting kicked off?!?! RIP OFF!! What the hell was the point of all that if not to make someone cry? Robbed! Let’s check out the Motel Six the designers are staying at. CrazyFace jumps on a few beds to “make sure which one felt right. Like Goldilocks”. Hon, Goldilocks died old and crazy after robbing houses and being put away for life. Sleep on the floor. She spits on her clothes to mark them, which I totally forgot. It cost me a lot of money to have the electronically pulsed out of my brain. All for nothing. She kisses her bed instead. She would have spit on it but what’s the fun of that if an anorexic idiot isn’t forced to wear it?

Valentino’s partner pops up on the TV with a severely homely video message.

Now my Tivo’s gonna start recording Love Boat. Does anyone know how to turn off Suggestions?

He plugs some online Valentino site or something, and then Valentino himself comes onscreen. I hope an alien pod drops in their pool sometime soon, cuz these two could use some Cocoon-ing.

The designers freak out. Chunk acts like he just won a free pass to CiCi’s Pizza for life.

The only one who doesn’t give a crap is Mondo. Love it.

Could he pull off short shorts and Big Boy Burgers hair? No. No he could not.

Hobosexual is crying like he’s never watched TV before. Oh, wait….

There are people trapped in that thang!

I think Valentino said to make pretty clothes or something. I honestly couldn’t tell. Luckily, we have Gordana Brasewntoshirthausen to explain it to us.

Herdeederelyderrrrr

Kenley pops some champagne, and Hobo freaks cuz “Y’all know I’s from the projects! I thought y’all was shootin’!!” I could listen to that stereotype all damn day. I laugh every. Single. Time. Next morning comes, and it’s time for the first challenge! Again! You guys. Flamíngay’s pants! HAHAHAHAHAH!

There was a store in a church, y’all. I’m preparin’ for a flooooood.

HideMe meets them in front of the 99 cent store to announce that today is the “Unconventional Challenge”. So that’s now officially just reduced to one challenge? Remember when that was THE WHOLE SHOW? Shame on you, Project Runway. Shame. HideMe looks shocked to be here.

The twist is that their work has to reflect the first creation they showed today. Kenley worries that there won’t be any toilet paper in the store. Oh hon, poor people wipe their asses too! GO!

Flamíngay can’t reach gift bags he wants and screams “Lawd, please let me grow!” HAHAHA. April grabs mops, Sweat P grabs anything neon, and Hobosexi grabs a large piece of cardboard to write his “Why lie? I need a beer” sign on. The attendant tells him that’s just a box that paper towels come in and he’ll have to keep shopping.

Kenley can’t reach her goods and exasperatedly, and a hundred percent seriously, asks “Does anyone work in this store?” LOL! Only Kenley would complain about the service at the 99 cent store. Fill out a really mean comment card on your way out, skank! Any lower drop to this shirt would make this pic child porn:

Mija! Cover up! There are sick people in the world.

Chunk waddles up to the register and realizes that he has bought the same mops that April bought! RuhRoh. He knows that she has more talent than he does and blurts out that he’s terrified. Yikes. You shouldn’t say that so close to the counter. People will think you’re racist.

It’s not a plane. Calm down.

The workroom is really beautiful, which gets everyone excited.

Well, everyone else.

Raggedy Chunk

CrazyFace starts her work under the table. HAHAH! Some bitches do their best work in a crate.

Mila thinks it’s weird that there are two chicks working under one table.

Focus!

Flamíngay says CrazyFace is “deefrent”, but he’ll give her a pass cuz his grandma was committed to the crazy house. Hehe. Love that guy. He should be the new Tim Gunn. Instead of using big words, he could use smaller words pronounced wrongly. Chunk’s dress looks just like April’s, and Hobo suggests they have a “woman to woman talk.” HA. And the new Tim Gunn is….Joanna Coles! I  used to think she looked like Judi Dench and Cate Blanchett, but now she’s looking more Hagatha Coffey/Tilda Swinton. Either way, I wouldn’t fuck with her. In this picture, she looks like a famous piece by Edvard Munch.

The Scream

Hagatha starts with Sweat P, who’s working on one of those shoe racks poor people hang in their closet.

Tab tells her she needs to learn to sweep up hair better or she’s worthless in this industry. Sweat P looks confused, and can’t come up with any reason her work is original. She’s just taken a bunch of towels, which are cloth (duh) and sewn them into a bigger piece of cloth. Tab reminds her that EyeSack had more x this morning than an algebra class and will want to see some crazy shit. Sweat P wishes she saved her sideways bun for this challenge. Hobo calls her work “raggedy roughness.” Hee.

Gordana Tickertapehausen has is making a paper dress, which Tab says has no appeal until someone either wears it or wipes with it.

Who’s whitest? Go!

Mondo says her dress reminds him of a piñata at a Mexican Easter and he hopes the model is full of candy. Unless her model is Chunk, then no. I would take his critique more seriously, but he’s a serial killer looking little girl dressed in hot pink with a lollipop necklace. If anyone’s gonna get a bat to the side of the head this episode, it’s certainly not gonna be a model.

He is all shy with Hagatha, though. He doesn’t feel competitive yet. Oh wah. She pats him on the processed head and gets the hell out of there to visit CrazyFace. “You’ah not going to spit at me, ah you?” HA! CrazyFace says that it’s just a little dab of the tongue and her clients pay her well for her blessing. I think Chunk speaks for us all when he says:

When’s lunch?

Right before time is called for the day, Scarlett burns a hole in his plastic dress with a glue gun. Chunk says this will be the last we see of O’Scare, but I wouldn’t be so sure. And stop sounding so excited, btw. I’d just burn holes all over it and even it out, like a strung out dry cleaning bag. I know even less about what I’m talking about than Chunk does, though, so I’ll just stfu.

He decides to fix it by cutting a hole in the plastic and dressing like a gay pirate. They’re like regular pirates with less concentration on planks and more on booty.

Aaaaaaargh, girl.

HideMe comes out on the runway looking, guess. Yes, shocked beyond repair. Janky Janx gets a boner.

This group is too full of crazy to show them all. Luckily, we have a clear winner in that department.

Orville Redenbottom

Today’s guest judge is Ken Downing from Neiman Marcus. He’s got so much gorgeous hair that you’d almost never know it starts in the back of his head.

Scarlett’s work is up first, and it looks like a Barbie that got caught in the dryer.

Janky’s work is better than her first go. You almost can’t tell it’s made out of mops, tin trays and tablecloths. Well, except for the way obvious stapling on the side of the top.

Hobo’s work is a total copout. He’s dressed his model like he dresses himself. Dirty scarves. I can see this girl’s penis through that.

CrazyFace’s model looks like a doobie that needs a smokin’.

I can flyyyyyyy…splat. Never mind.

Rami gets on my nerves, but he’s a talented guy. His looks almost just like his original, but without the mourning gina.

Sweat P’s belt collar is pretty cool, but the rest is boooooring. Dish towels? Come on, Sweat!

Mondo’s dress looks good, but it’s made out of trash bags and at this point on PR that’s kinda a yawn. His story is about how this reminds him of his sixth birthday. Trash bags and tape. Who died? No wonder he’s so fucked up.

Kenley has costumed a PanAm extra about to eat lobster.

Gordana Skinnygirllooksfathausen has reversed the challenge. She’s taken streamers and made them look like mops. It’s kind of brilliant, if you think about it. Really really hard.

Flamíngay has gone back to his roots. His dress looks like someone with new money who lives in Trump Tower would wear.

Mila has made her model look severely knock kneed. Hey! I’m knock kneed! Represent! Mila FTW!

Chunk’s model looks like a cavewoman.

He says he wants to take his model out, spill something, and watch her soak it up. LOL! April’s look is made from the same mops, but hers fits and is pretty. If you took his personality and her talent and put them into one person, you’d have a pretty obnoxious talented person that was always hungry.

Rami, Hobosexi, Gordana Pleasedon’tgohomehausen, Mondo, CrazyFace and Sweat P are kept on the runway. Let’s call it! Rami wins, Sweat P goes. Let’s see! Rami is universally loved. Sweat P not so much. EyeSack calls it ragged and calls the back a “chew out”. Neiman Marcus says he’s never had a client ask him to make her look fatter. Whoregina loves Hobo’s work and says it could actually be worn. The other judges agree.

Whoregina no likey CrazyFace, and she launches into some loco bs about geometric words or some shit. She’s just crazy enough for EyeSack to like. Saved!???? Neiman calls Mondo’s dress perfection. Gordana IfyoucutherI’llkillyouhausen is dissed for having too much, but it doesn’t seem like she’ll be going home.

In alone time, the judges repeat themselves a bunch. They all love Rami, but Eyesack thinks it was too close to the original. Wasn’t that the point? Confused. Mondo wasn’t as creative with materials, but it was awesome. The bottoms were all a mess, and HideMe wouldn’t be caught dead in Sweat P’s dishrag outfit. She adds that CrazyFace doesn’t have the chops to be here. Damn. She goes right for the jugular. I like it!

Rami wins!! That’ll put the competitive spirit into Mija! HideMe gets her high eyebrows into a nagging mommy look and sends home…CrazyFace! No faaaair! Sweat shoulda been outta there! BOOOOOOOoooooooooooo!! She wishes the judges “a happy every days.” LOL. Valentino told her through the TV to keep making beautiful things, so that’s what she’ll do. Crazy ass crazy face. I’m never watching this show again.

Oh wait. Never mind! See you next week!

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