Welcome to the season finale of Project Runway All Stars! It’s been quite a ride, hasn’t it? A really, really gay and ill fitting ride. Previously, we were robbed of the chance to meet Michael Chunk’s mom in home visits, …
…a bunch of loozas got rejected for the third time,…
Welcome home! You still suck! BYEEEEE! And do NOT take anything off the crafts services table on your way out.
…and Angela HideMe Lindvall was as shocked she got a speaking part on television as the rest of us were.
It’s the morning of the finale, and Scarlett O’Scare has curlers in his hair. Meemaw hair takes a lot of damn time, people.
If there’s any backlash against your Hassidic inspired line, it will be that your womanly ass didn’t enter through the back door.
He says that this is his chance to show the world who Austin Scarlett is!! A Hassidic woman who likes white tigers too much? Girl you look like an eroding dime.
Chunk is dressed for the finale. Yikes. He looks like Tyne Daly playing Violet Beuregarde.
Violet, you’re turning Violet, Violet!
Mondo cries. Kinda. His voice is breaking but there aren’t tears. Dammit. What do I have to do to get a decent man cry this season? He says that Chunk totes deserves to be at the finale, but Mondo wants it more so he deserves to win. Um, learn to draw, k? Wanting something the most doesn’t mean you deserve it the most. Otherwise, I’d deserve to be Sandra Bullock in the mornings, Julia Roberts in the afternoons, and a puppy at night.
I’m pretty done with Mondo’s ass after last week’s diva meltdown, but I’m kinda back on his side when he asks Scarlett: “Does Liza Minelli know you went through her wardrobe, girl?” HAHAHAH!!
The three boys are taken to the finale space, Gotham Hall, otherwise known as “This Ain’t Fashion Week, Suckas”. Let’s take a moment and soak in memories of all the fabulous runway shows bar mitzvahs that have taken place here.
Scarlett’s always dreamed about having a show at Gotham, and here he is! Kind of unfair, no? Maybe each of the designers should get to show their line in their dream spot. I’d love to see Chunk’s skinny bitches running around Burger King in their sheet dresses.
Just to be clear on something: Mondo isn’t here because of blatant producer manipulation. He’s here because he “visualized” it. That positive attitude is written all over his face.
Scarlett has a lot to finish, and he flits around backstage like Tinkerbell with her ass on fire. Chunk was positive when he arrived that he was ready to go, but one of his dresses is malformed. Poor Chunk. How does Mondo’s negative attitude propel him towards a win and Chunk’s positive attitude propels him towards failure? The Secret is complete bs. Negative attitudes for the win! I’m going to write an anti “Secret” called “It’s No Secret. You Suck. Stop Visualizing and READ SOMETHING WITH BIGGER WORDS.”
Chunk starts freaking out a bit and jerking his model around. If this was an office job she could sue for millions.
I walk around and starve for a living. I deserve more respect.
He does the Heimlich on her and she coughs up a piece of gum she swallowed in the fifth grade. The dress, however, still doesn’t fit. Mondo smiles at Chunk’s misery, and it’s the first time I can remember ever seeing Mondo smile. I hope it never happens again.
It’s an hour til runway time, so the “celebs” arrive. Georgina will be playing the role of Grizabella tonight.
Hair and makeup time! Early smoke break! Wait. WTF is going on here? Has the Huey, Lewey and Dewey haircut spread among all the gays? For shame, Mondo!
As a people, we should know better.
Hagatha Coffee shows up to check on progress. Scarlett’s got pins showing all over his red carpet dress, but he vows to cover them up with a shawl. Fingers crossed that the model isn’t stabbed to death by those pins while walking the runway. Die after the show, skank!
Chunk is running into problems with another dress, which is weird because he’s made it like twenty times already. Practice doesn’t work for everyone.
Hag sees Mondo’s lint roller and asks if she can attack Georgie with it. He says yes, but she wants to do him first. He says it’s like getting rolled down by your aunt. If he wins this and gets the job, she’s gonna fire his ass the second she hears that comment. Chunk calls a model meeting and we see his entire line. Way to keep that suspense boiling, editors!
Tommy Hilfiger’s in da house as a warning to young children about what plastic surgery can do to men. He looks like a tennis shoe left on a gas heater for too long.
HideMe comes out to veeeerry slooooowly read her lines while looking confused and terrified. Nell would have made a better host for this show.
Trouble go away at nigh’, an’ Nell caw Mi’i – an’ Nell an’ Mi’i – ye’, Nell an’ Mi’i – like t’ee in the way!
Hilfiger is one of two guest judges. The other is the dude from Neiman Marcus. I can’t tell if his bad combover is an homage, ironic, or just terrible. Go bald peacefully, man! Chucky’s gonna sue you for doll hair copyright infringement.
Nina Garcia has just realized that since she isn’t a judge this season, she won’t be getting any free baby arms to munch on during the runway show. She’s not happy.
Scarlett comes out on the runway rocking a teenage girl gymnast body with farmer’s tan.
He announces that his line is based on a vampire from the 1800′s who moved to Brooklyn and borrows clothes from her “Hassidic dandy friends”. Way to offend Jews, gays, vampires and people from the 1800′s in once sentence, Austin. This has nothing do do with anything, but I really wanna smack the Royal clap right the f off this queen:
I think we’re all getting so gay that we’re gonna circle back to vaginas. Consider that a prediction.
If Cirque du Soleil doesn’t have a show about the history of Hassidic clowns yet, they need to get to work.
This Hassidic woman is trying to hide her boner. It’s not working.
This religion is starting to look fun.
Leather skirt and pink blouse. Meh. This line is more a tribute to The Pink Ladies from Grease than anything, but without the fun musical numbers. This line is a total failure without a dance in a bowling alley.
Too much cotton candy. Embarrassing!
Have you ever fantasized about The Little Mermaid being condemned to the fiery pits of hell? Austin has.
Part of your…AAAAH I’M BURNING!
The next look is “chicken leg discarded in GLAD trash bag”. Why are we so worried about starving children in Africa when we have models with triangular shoulder bones here? Compassion starts at home, guys.
And now for a wedding dress made out of those paper toilet seat covers in public restrooms. If you’re the kind of girl who always wants to pop a squat, this is the wedding dress for you.
Hagatha stands behind Scarlett and gets as motherly as she can. She’s super cold about it, but that’s just her. It’s like having an ice tray for a mom. God bless her. Every “you’ah wonderful dahling” has that “you’ll never be good enough. See you in season 20″ subtext to it.
Mondo’s next. He explains that his collection is based on himself and called “Therapy.” Whiny Little Girl Midget was too long a title. They won’t show us the lower half of Mondo’s body. I suspect he’s wearing Wonder Woman underoos with that suit jacket.
His first look is very “Austin Scarlett gets an office job.” Not sure about the odd sperm print on the skirt, but I’ll go with it.
Are you saving that as evidence? So nineties of you.
Next up is a Jackie hO dress. More polka dots. He must really hate Kenley.
The next look is very Mila doing housework. A colorless line from Mondo? Therapy always drains the fun out of people. Don’t do it. You’re more useful to us all crazy.
More polka dots, more fifties. Closeups of Kenley sobbing and screeching “THAT’S ALL MIIIIINE!” would really help this along. The ink blot dress is next. Meh. This woman has an irrational fear of making an alien baby and growing horns on her boobs.
His final piece looks like a Christmas present that was only half opened.
Another bony bitch? I hope you kept the receipt for this, MOTHER.
Boring! One thing I never expect from Mondo. Not sure what the judges are thinking. Hilfiger just burped, if that means anything.
Chunk’s next, and Eyesack is already yawning! HAHAHAH!!!
Did Chunk just say his line was inspired by Estelle Getty? Cuz if so he should get an auto win. His first piece is very jumper chic. I like. It’s more Dorothy Zbornak than Sophia Petrillo, but I’m on board.
I think Marlow from Real Housewives of Atlanta wore this next dress on her African safari. That’s not a compliment.
It’s not real unless she threatens to cut a bitch at the end of the runway.
Hagatha says that layering is bread and butter for designers. She knows how to talk to her audience, that’s for sure. Chunk salivates.
Now for the “zebra laying down” look. It’s kinda meh, but it’s pretty. Does Chunk actually have a chance to win this thing?!?
He’s made this one a million times, but this time he did it as shorts in a print only The Nanny could love.
Fran Drescher’s day by the pool.
Another jumper. I hope this girl doesn’t have to walk through the woods on the way home. She’ll get her ass shot. Who wants to look like a cow on purpose?
He ends with his Greek drapey dress, minus the blue ribbon. You shouldn’t brag about being able to make stuff in five minutes when it looks like you made stuff in five minutes. Good lord. This is the finale!!
Just another bbq with the KKK.
In a lovely Where Are They Now? segment, we find out Irana used her winnings for some ghetto ass Groupon plastic surgery.
The Judges want to be with the designers four on one. Maybe I should use better wording. That thought is horrifying. They start with Scarlett. The judges start off with awkward, hesitant praise. Eyesack tells Scarlett “Good work, man.” It doesn’t get more awkward than Eyesack calling someone “man.” Sure enough, it’s followed by a diss. That wasn’t a collection, it was a bizarre “best of”. Hilfiger agrees, and says the wedding dress is out of place.
The women both love the wedding dress, but not the ball gown. Not looking good for Scarl! How does he take it? Words can’t really describe it, so I’ll let his hands.
Mondo’s next. Georgie starts with gushing. The other judges follow. HideMe isn’t crazy about the Christmas Present dress, but the bad critiques are few and far between. Looking like they’re gonna go through with their plan to hand him the season. Chunk’s next. Georgie calls his line exceptional, and Hilfiger thinks every piece is ready to sell. Georgie thinks it’s too commercial, and Eyesack thinks the crazy prints aren’t mixed creatively enough. Eyesack compliments all the showing flesh, but then calls it cheap. Make up your mind, brah.
In alone time, the judges discuss how far behind the medical community is in male plastic surgery. Tommy looks offended. Or pleased. Or horrified. Who can say?
Backstage, Mondo is all smiles. He knows it’s his. Scarlett says that he stands by his work, and knows there are women out there who would love to wear all of his pieces! There are also women out there who love to wear mom jeans and whale tails. It doesn’t make it ok.
The judges blah about the wonderment of Mondo. Neiman Marcus guy thinks his line is a bit cartoonish. HideMe calls Mondo out on getting boring all the sudden. I like HideMe when she’s not reading cue cards. Chunk’s line is called commercial, in kinda a bad way. God forbid any of the monstrosities showcased on this show actually bring in a profit. The horror! Neiman stands up for him and says it was cohesive, but Eyesack pretty much hated it. Chunk feels like he’s gonna win, and he probably should. But I have doubts. They can’t set up a whole season for Mondo and then hand it to Chunk, can they? Fingers crossed for man tears!!
Hilf votes for Chunk, but Georgie didn’t see a dream. I have no interest in Chunk’s dreams. You know they involve ninjas, burning dictionaries and fries. Neiman’s about what will sell, but Georgie wants to go with the best ideas. The rest will sort itself out if the designer finds a rich old homely dude who owns a movie company.
HideMe recaps the season in the slowest, most boring way she can muster. She sounds like she’s learning English. Normally, I’d say good for her, but Jesus woman this show’s only an hour. Get to the point. She says there are no losers in All Stars. I think there are like ten designers who disagree with that. The runners up will get a trip to Paris to cry it out.
Chunk’s out! He asks if there’s McDonald’s in Paris. His man tears are disappointing. No hitting walls? No screaming? Booooooo!!!! Bring Wretchen back to make this ass cry properly!!
Booooo to personal growth. Hit a wall!!
Mondo is patted on the back for being a crazy whiny bitch, and then….he’s handed the win! SHOCKER! Scarlett resists sticking his tongue out at him, but just barely.
Scarlett fakes no smiles and says that he deserved to win because he’s proven that he’s the star of stars. LOL, Liz Taylor. I love me a sore loser! I hope he takes his mom to Paris and leaves her there. Their streets are prettier homes than ours. Lata sucka! Mondo refuses to cry, and then whines about how haaaard it was.
Was that fair? I guess. Just a little anti-climactic when we knew he’d take it from the start. Here’s hoping to having Tim, Heidi, Nina and Orange Kors back soon!! Love to you guys, and thanks for being with me this season!! Right before we are out, we’re given one final mini gift.
It’s not a breakdown, but I’ll take it.
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