Project Runway: Avant Tard

Previously on Project Runway, Fat Bitch Heidi sold running shoes for people who wear a lot of grey, apparently. Also, Dollivier the Beigeian almost died in PE class and Jersey Chore went ape shit and crosseyed on poor ole Martha Plumpton for being dowdy.

Now first, I want to take a moment to address some comments about Matlock. Yes, I love him. There, I said it!! He’s mean, arrogant, bitter, sad, and extremely tired. In other words, I relate. When Kors said one of Nutless’ models had cameltoe and Matlock cheered, I cheered right along with him.

Still don’t love him? But he made a grown man cry!!

HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!

Still no? Well, then I don’t know what else to do. How bout I just, you know, write a recap? Ok then. We open with Nutless saying he called a truce with Matlock. Uh-huh. And this is why it should be legal to burn the flag.

With someone in it.

You guys, is something wrong with Dollivier? I mean, like, physically? He’s beige, he can’t talk, and he’s always staring off into space. Fake accents kill you veeeery slooooowly.

Dribble down the chin.

Matlock is in a positive mood, which is super ugly on him. He says that he’s going to do his best not to be an asshole to anyone. WHY?!? Because when he’s a bitch it means he has to wake up and apologize, which means he has to hug nutless greasy queens who cry a lot and don’t take showers. The gays on this show are visibly dirty. I don’t call him Icktor for nuttin.

Meanwhile, over in the other apartment, Martha Plumpton is getting her positive vibes together by commiserating with her best friend.

She has moved in with the other girls, since all of her original roomies either got fired or quit because they didn’t wanna run the track. As she thanks them for making her feel welcome and sharing their carbs with her, Bimbo tells us that she isn’t a Plumpton fan. In other words, she hates old people and is in favor of Death Panels.

How’s that change workin’ out for ya?

Fat Bitch Heidi comes out on the runway looking like she just ate a food court.

She congratulates Icktor for making something that didn’t suck last week and Jersey Chore for winning on stuff he didn’t even design and making an insecure chunky girl cry. Models are terrible people.

Fat Bitch’s riddle of the day is something about going back to school. Everyone tries to think really deeply about what she might mean, but I’m pretty sure she just called y’all dumbasses. They meet Tim in Harlem and find him hiding in the bushes with some hot black teacher.

Tim, you dirty whore! That guy still has a boner!

There are a bunch of kids there too, and they’re all covering their boners, too.

They’re gonna go home and tell their parents that teacher made some old man scream in the bushes and all hell’s gonna break loose in Harlem. The challenge is to create an avant garde look inspired by the kids’ artwork. I predict there will be lots of grey sleeveless tops with grey mini skirts and scarred children. Icktor is pissed he has to work with kids. How do you think they feel? You look like Tim Burton made you.

Miss Trinidad is excited about an Art School challenge, because her parents really believed in using art to mold her. They must have been so proud when she learned how to use a video camera.

Nutless is partnered with Wu Qing. That sounds like one of those trick Scrabble words. Wu draws a picture of Nina seventy years ago.

Icktor is working with a hilarious girl named Skyy who won’t shut the fuck up. He’s all uncomfortable and eye rolly, which just makes her talk more. She tells him exactly what to sew, and makes sure he accentuates the boobs. LOL! He says he could only deal with her full time if he was drunk. AW! That’s called parenting! There’s a reason this bitch was named after cheapish vodka.

Do you like trees? I do. How come you hate the sun? And vegetables? And English? I like ponies and crossword puzzles. Do you take fish oil? You should. Why are you sweating? Do you need sugar? I knew a girl once who died cuz she didn’t have sugar. She looked like you. In her coffin, I mean. When she was alive she was really pretty. Are you on facebook? We should be friends. Call me! Where are you going? Hey come back! I wanna tell you something!

Matlock is paired with a mute, so he’s happy. There’s also a giant dick behind him, which helps.

Tim is so taking that home.

Gay Mormon is painting some demonic wolf with his kid and talking about how he can’t wait for the afterlife, where he’ll have twelve wives on his own planet instead of being devoured in the Underworld by a gay eating spawn of Satan. The teenager’s like um………..

So…you’re not a homo?

Beigian likes his teen. She seems to be fascinated that he’s actually walking and talking like a real boy. She is making a vibrant, colorful painting, so he jumps in and paints over it in different shades of beige.

She asks what kind of music he likes, and he says “weally depwessy museek.” The music stops and the camera sticks on her face.

Where the frick you from, doll boy?

Jersey Chore’s kid thinks he’s being complemented on his art when Chore lisps “it lookth like the earth is crying into itself”, but then he realizes he was looking into his compact the whole time. Bimbo takes her inspiration time to complain to an 11 year old about how mean Matlock was last week. LOL! LOVE. IT. Kai, the deepest 11 year old alive, tells her that failure is opportunity in disguise. Ah, kids. Sometimes failure is just failure not disguised as anything but failure.

Nutless and his kid made self portraits. He’s very Asian, which leads me to believe he’s admitting that he has a tiny wiener on national TV. Sometimes it’s ok to not admit your faults, mkay?

Yoko OhNothatpeepeeistiny

The kid paints crowns on their heads. He thinks she is empowering him, but I think she just doesn’t wanna have to draw his lame ass fauxhawk. She’s an artist, dammit. He points out that they are making themselves the same color as the background. Hey! You’re stepping into Dollivier’s beige territory, ya fruit! Back off my favorite jaundiced doll and find your own terrible taste to exploit!

HImberly made a really pissed of Fruit Loops bird.

I don’t know who painted this one, but I want it. It’s Kors without a hair piece and a wattle.

Back in the workroom, it’s time to sketch. Icktor says he’s never gonna have kids and the girls all laugh as ovaries across America rejoice. He wants to make something “airy”. I can’t believe, with all the gay hacky references this queen spouts, he hasn’t decided to make a tribute to Ursula the Sea Witch.

The Poor Unfortunate Soul look

Matlock’s inspiration reminds him of when he was off the wagon. He’s gonna make something Liz Taylor inspired, I bet.

Dollivier ees confusededed. Shocker. He’s going to try and work with colors today, or at least I think so. He’s holding colored pencils, but they seem to have frozen him in time. He’s just sitting there with drool dripping down his face. Color is his kryptonite. Put down the pencils, Beigeian!

Jersey Chore’s kid drew a tree, and Jersey says he only likes fake things. Once he starts looking at this as a giant veiny penis with an STD he’ll be in his element and make something leather and assless and glittery.

You’ve practiced your whole life for this.

Nutless is going all out and making…something beige. Gay Mormon thinks maybe he’ll go a little less literal, which is probably a good idea since his painting is of a giant wolf rat thing.

Let’s go to Mood! Tim’s chasing ass again.

Leave the stud alone, slut. You’re on the clock.

Guess what Dollivier’s buying!

Tim is horrified at Gay Mormon’s plan to buy fur. So is Swatch. LOL. He decides on faux fur. Just as tacky, but a quarter of the price. So he’s making a giant scary killer rat in fake fur. I think I’ve already seen that on TV this week.

I hate Teresa

He’s only spent half of his money and can’t believe that making something cheap is so cheap. Gay Mormon isn’t long for this world. Back at the workroom, Dollivier and Matlock have a dour buddy movie moment. Dollivier hates Matlock’s color, and Matlock hates humanity. They’re so cute. Icktor tells us how wrong everyone else is in their fabric choices, which makes me hope that he loses. Well, makes me hope more that he loses. He disses Miss Trinidad’s black branches, but she’s kicked his ass before and she’ll do it again. Meanwhile, Jersey Chore gets ready for bed.

Where’s Tim? Dammit he’s outside again in his underwear. Someone needs to get that whore under control.

Miss Trinidad gets to narrate to us what the challenge is in her bizarre fake accent. There are so many fake accents on this show I can’t tell what’s what in the real world anymore. Romana asked me where the garbage bags were and I told her to speak to me in real English. I currently have a bag of peas on my left eye. Fucking maids. She’s probably been legal and totes American this whole time and just keeps coming twice a week because she takes pleasure in tricking me. Sorry. Back to important things. Icktor’s digging deep for inspiration. Well, as deep as that fool gets.

Tim puts on some pants and comes to inspire them. Matlock is worried about what the challenge is exactly. Bridget Bardot? No? Eva Gardner? No? WHAT?! Tim says just not to make something red carpety! Go artistic! Matlock jiggles his giant frog wattle back and forth in deep thought for a minute and then decides avant garde must just mean to make something forward thinking. I hope when he makes flare jeans from the nineties and gets yelled at by the judges he blames Icktor.

Jersey Chore is cutting out cardboard pieces or something to resemble a forest fire. It’s fitting, really. Smart people would run from either of them. He starts crying because his mom died of ovarian cancer. Oh Jesus. So I have to be nice to him now? UGH CANCER YOU GOT ME AGAIN! Jersey says his mom was his rock and he doesn’t think he would be here without her. Um, you wouldn’t be. Cuz you wouldn’t be born. Dumbshit. He wants to carve her initials into a model in his mom’s honor. Did she teach him how to put makeup on his face? Did she give him his first eyebrow wax? Did she start that spray tanning shit? Because if so, I’d like to find an angel to send her a card for me. “Dearest Dead Momma Chore, you created a monster and now all gay people look terrible. A hole. Love, Flipit.” Seriously though, you guys, cancer’s terrible.

So this is YOUR fault.

Let’s move on. I feel uncomfortable. Let’s go over to Matlock, who looks like he’s about to kill a litter of puppies for fun.

Nutless isn’t too impressed with Gay Mormon’s fur mess. Um, Nutless, remember how last week you almost got the boot for being fucking terrible? How bout you stfu and sew something not terrible, k? Leave Barney Rubble alone. It’s either this or go back to wearing full body underwear and pretending he doesn’t wanna throw up every time his mom makes him go to ice cream socials to meet a nice pack of girls.

Notice I didn’t say you were wrong.

Matlock is struggling to keep his “don’t be an asshole” pledge, so he takes his frustration out on the dress forms and starts beating the shit out of them like they stole his val-pak right out of his mailbox.

Inconsiderate skinny bitch faces! Now I have to pay full price for my paper towels!

Bimbo is going on about how she’s making a flower dress, and to not have frayed edges, she’s burning them. “Smells like when I used to burn my Barbies.” HAHAH. Martha Plumpton, who has respect for Barbies, is not amused. I hope she pokes her with a cigarette later. Plumpton really needs to grow a pair.

Accident, sweetie.

Jersey Chore moseys on up to Plumpton to judge her dowdiness on a scale of 40 to death. He doesn’t have anything terrible to say about it. Not because the good Lord touched his helmet hair with his spirit, but because if Plumpton isn’t tacky this week it’s because of Jersey Chore’s dedicated instruction last week. You mean the part where you called her untalented and lazy until she sobbed in the girl’s room? Ass. I hope Martha did learn something last week, and now she carries a can of Aqua Net and a lighter in her purse just in case your ass decides to strike.

Bimbo starts trolling for gossip and asks Matlock if he’s gay. Instead of slapping her upside the head and telling her to respect her elders with law degrees, he says duh he’s gay. Is he married? No. How come? Husband’s dead. Was it sad? Shrug. Meh. He had AIDS. Jesus!!! He tossed that out so casually. Everyone gets quiet, cuz how can you respond to that? “I’m sorry, did you say the weather is beautiful today?” “Um, no. He had AIDS bitch mind your own beez”. The kids don’t know what to do with someone who doesn’t use their pain to sob out stories that will help the producers find excuses to keep them til the finals. Frankly, I don’t know how to deal with it either. Cuz Matlock’s husband dying of AIDS should all be about how it makes me feel, right?

He explains dourly in the diary room that he was in love at first sight and losing his man so young turned him into a raging alcoholic. But it’s all ok now and he’s enjoying his life. Can you tell?

Paaaartaaaay!

Hey Project Runway, could ya do me a favor and limit the AIDS and dead parent stories to one a week? I don’t like being reminded what a cold unfeeling sociopath I am five times an episode. Kthnx. Oh shit that storyline’s not done yet. Now Matlock’s making a video call. You know those Apple commercials, where everyone’s cute and sweet and one necked and they all love each other on video phone? Yeah. That’s not this call.

UGH how’d you kids get in the TV? I’m tryin’ ta get a neighbor off a murder charge! Your kid’s gonna be gay and you need a haircut. Are we done here? SOMEONE SHOW ME HOW TO CHANGE THE CHANNEL BACK TO MYSELF!

I’m kidding. The whole thing is super sweet. Even the part where he flips his sister off at the end.

Go fuck yourself. Talk soon hon!

At the end of day one, Gay Mormon is super excited about the pile of fur he has on the table. Bimbo tells the other girls at home that it’s stressful having to work next to him cuz that fur is so bad. Cut to him giggling about how awesome it’s gonna be. HAHAH.

It’s totes how my wives’ backs are gonna look.

Jersey Chore, with his Barney Rubble fetish, is unconditionally supportive of his friend. That’s what got his ass kicked off in the first place. There’s a word for people that tell you you’re awesome even when you’re not. LIARS.

Something that never lies? Bimbo’s yet to find botox face.

Tim brings in the kids to check on progress. Icktor isn’t happy. I hope that Icktor’s sweet, talented, strong black girl kid sees his behind the back behavior and hunts him down and pummels his pallid ass until he speaks English properly. The kids mostly just ooh and ahh and talk to the adults in the same fakey bake baby voices that they are being spoken to in. Gay Mormon’s kid gives him serious tips, though, and he writes them all down. LOL. Take talent wherever you can get it, sugar. Icktor’s kid says that if she saw his dress and it was cheap, she’d buy it. HAHAHAHAH! He so deserved that.

Tim checks on progress. Nutless has zero done. He’s pinned some felt shoe horns to the dress form. What is, this? Bible School? That’s the only place felt cutouts should be allowed.

Tim tells Miss Trinidad not to worry, he doesn’t think she can ever do anything that’s not tasteful. Even as he stands before this monstrosity. Nanny goes to prom.

Doughy Christian is making yet another Alexis Couture dress.

You’re making Alexis look tasteful and classy. How are you still here?

Warning: Alexis will cut off the sleeves.

Himberly took her Fruit Loops painting and turned it into a ballet dancer’s funeral outfit. Haven’t we already seen that this season? She throws some muslin over the tutu and Tim says Kors will have a Hiawatha moment. LOL.

Geroninono

Tim compliments Bimbo’s ruffly peach fug dress to the max, but I think Martha Plumpton’s got it right when she says it looks like a bad prom dress. Tim asks the kid what she thinks, and she says something about positivity being the fruit off the tree of life or some shit. He shrugs and walks away. Poor artistic little girl. I hope her parents don’t lose their jobs during this shit economy. It would be terrible to see her have to drop out of Art School and be put in the public heathen educational system. Her little Buddha ass will be beat senseless.

Martha Plumpton is making a simple black dress with kindergarten blocks all over the shoulder. It’s…terrible. Which I hate saying, because I’m rooting for her. Icktor says it looks like a FedEx guy came by and dropped boxes all over her. Still hate you, but HAHA nonetheless.

Matlock is making the costume from Willy Wonka when Violet turned Violet, Violet.

Himberly thinks it’s too literal, but I don’t see a skinny lady with unfortunate giant hips in his painting. Matlock tries to sell it with all his might to Tim, and Tim seems to fall for it. He asks the kid what he thinks, but Matlock has sewn his mouth shut.

Dollivier says he hates color and Tim says “no shit” in the classiest way possible. The skin is the same color as the hair which is the same color as the dress which is the same color as the dress form. He throws a little blue on there to show that he can do it without his skin melting off, but at the end of the day a beige dress is a beige dress.

Tim doesn’t think it goes far enough. Soyew no likeyeth? Tim says he didn’t say that, it’s just that it doesn’t go far enough. Soyew tinkdat I neva yoo chiffonza forebe ees no interesteen? WTF?!? WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? Are you talking in Pig Latin now? Pick a fake accent and stick with it ya fuckin weirdo. Tim tells him that using materials he’s never used doesn’t make it avant garde, but Doll doesn’t comprehend what he’s saying. I’m sure it’s mutual, ya freak. Just go back to beiging everything and be quiet.

Jersey Chore, still not really seeing the giant veiny penis he’s been given on a big silver platter, has made a pilgrim outfit. A bad one. That thing has me rooting for the Indians to win.

The glue gun and plastic rubies will come out in 4, 3, 2….Tim says no one wants his bs crosseyed story about cancer. It has to work on its own. Jersey crosses his eyes and pouts.

I think I said “earth swallowing its own tears” part wrong. I have a dimple though!! YOU’RE OLD AND USELESS! WAAAHHHHH!

Gay Mormon has made a dominatrix church outfit with a fake fur hat. Tim thinks it’s too literal, and Nutless says Gay Mormon isn’t refiiiined enough to compete here. Please, God, make Nutless lose and sob his eyes out tonight. PLEASE. I love nothing more than an overconfident snotty snob crying like a little bitch. And if not, there’s always last time.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

But…in the painting the rat/wolf isn’t wearing a skirt or a broach so….not literal!

Icktor tries to talk to Tim, but his kid takes over and sells the shit out of it. Hilarious. He could learn a thing or two from that kid. Ick decides he likes kids after all. I’m sure they’re all thrilled and not scared of your dead gay mortician look now.

Now let’s listen as the designers tell us that everyone else sucks. Bimbo no likey Dollivier’s too simple beigeness, and Miss Trinidad says that Gay Mormon needs to try a little harder after getting kicked off and brought back. As if he could hear her in the diary room, he instantly tries harder.

Men with hair get more respect. You’re in!! And the way the judging’s gone so far this season, it’s plausible.

Bimbo gives dirty looks to Martha Plumpton’s dress every chance she gets, and it cracks me up every time. Then Icktor says “I secretly like Matlock’s work.” LOL!!! Thirty minutes left. GayMormon is skerd shitless. Bimbo thinks he should be. Icktor says, out loud, that it looks like Carmen Miranda became a vampire. UGH WHY AM I LIKING ICKTOR!?!?! The designers stand around in a circle and agree that he’s in trouble. Dang, you guys. Jersey Chore has a Trader Joe’s bag about to walk the runway. Focus on his stupid ass and leave the nice guy alone. The clouds part, the sun shines, and my favorite thing ever happens. Man tears!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

Gay Mormon feels like he’s not good enough. And he’s not. But neither are most of the dumdums here. They’re just delusional enough to get through it. So….get more delusional and stop being such a pussy, GayMo! Did Barney Rubble cry because he was a second rate sidekick? NO! He waxed his feet, got the best mole skin dress he could find, and he worked the shit out of Bedrock.

Wait. I think he ended up marrying Rosie O’Donnell. Never mind. This doesn’t have a happy ending after all. Cry your eyes out.

Gay Mormon is so sweet. I hope that he inspires other guys to be in the closet. Like maybe this one:

I actually feel sorry for that sweater thing. It was destined to live with a ten year old girl and instead it got stuck with this horror show.

The next morning, Jersey Chore is carving his mom’s initials into his model. He goes on with a story about how his mom was so inspiring and blah. I hate to sound so hateful, but come on. He’s doing that so that when he sends a hideous brown paper bag down the runway and gets called on it, he can tell the mom story and make the judges forget. Immunity or not, there’s no way he’s not getting called out for that nightmare. I’m sure his mom is real proud as her memory is used cheaply so her orange child can look better on a reality show. You have immunity. Save the dead mom card, dude.

Hair and makeup! Smoke break! Dollivier, who’s now French, tells us that he is doubting himself even though everyone (British now) tells him that (Spanish) he’s really really (deaf) talented. Everyone has their model’s hair styled HUGE, cuz that’s totes avant garde. Back to Dollivier. He can’t finish and his top is flapping off the model, so he glues it onto her. LOLOLOL!! Tim comes in to tell him that’s against the rules as Icktor screams CHEATER! in the diary room. So gluing shit to models is bad, but carving initials into them is ok? That’s fucked up.

Bimbo gives Martha Plumpton’s work some more dirty looks as Plumpton says that Bimbo’s model looks like a toilet papered Barbie. HAHAH. This could blossom into a really awesome rivalry. I hope they go at it soon. I got my money on Plumpton. There’s nothing Plump mature women hate more than skinny little bleach blondes. FIGHT!

Jersey Chore says Doughy Christian needs to go because he’s too safe. Let’s play a game: name one bitchy queen on this show that’s actually consistently good.

Waiting.

Waiting.

Waiting.

I couldn’t do it either. All y’all need to shut up with your tacky underhanded backstabbing and just stop sucking, k?

Runway time! Fat Bitch Heidi comes out looking like she’s been hooked to a Crisco IV for forty years. What an embarrassment. Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!

Hi Nina!

Wait! It’s not Nina! Nina would never wear a bikini! This is the senior editor of Marie Claire. Meh. Let’s just call her Whore Gremlin. Hi Guest Judge Kenneth Cole!

The kids are there, and Skyy is doublyy excited to see Kenneth Cole. I love Skyy. She needs a Judge show. Himberly’s Fruit Loops inspired dress is first. It’s very Kim Kardashian gets the Bird Flu.

So how is Himberly’s dress not too literal? It’s inspired by a bird and it’s covered in feathers. I guess cuz it’s black instead of bright red and aqua? Hopefully that will be explained later. Martha Plumpton had a space painting, which somehow made her think of a black dress covered in fuzzy dice.

Scented pine trees would have been avant garde.

Dollivier’s inspiration is colorful and pretty. His dress is…wait for it….beige.

I was so intent on writing beige that I forgot to type “terrible”.

His explanation? “I thing silenze ess da mosse powerful voicce”. Um….no it’s not. You can say it in as many accents as you want, but silence will always just be silent.

Jersey Chore kept the carved up model wearing a paper bag skirt, but he added a super cool orange pinata top. I really like it. Of course, I liked it when Failene made the EXACT same thing a couple of weeks ago and got kicked off for having the audacity to use brown and orange together. Interesting how Jersey hated it so much then and now boom. Same. Fuckin. Thing.

Matlock’s fat girl obsessed with Happy Meal toys look is next.

Icktor is up with his tribute to Quilted Northern.

Bimbo’s Lawrence Welk sherbet dress is up next. FUUUUG.

Doughy Christian’s Alexis Couture straightjacket dress has had a denim (?) broom skirt added. This guy is just terrible and needs to do some pushups if he’s gonna wear wife beaters every week go.

Gay Mormon should have stuck to his guns. His slutty pilgrim dress was way better with fake fur. The only way to tell cheap pilgrim hookers apart is through accessorizing, dammit!

Nutless made a nude dress with shoe horns going every which way. I don’t get how it’s avant garde, but it sure is perty.

Miss Trinidad’s saloon couch dress isn’t much different than when Tim saw it. It’s probably the most unique so far, and I wish Nina was here so she could be amazed at how Miss Trinidad learned to sew so well in four weeks. Still, though, none of this is avant garde, right?

Nutless, Gay Mormon, Dollivier (blinking furiously like an epileptic at a dance club), Bimbo, Jersey Chore and Matlock are kept on the runway. Backstage, the other designers talk trash. Everyone but Icktor thinks Matlock will be on the bottom. How the HELL is Doughy Christian safe? HOW?!?!?!? He says that if Matlock wins, he’ll jump out the window. If that’s not a reason for you to root for Matlock, I’m going to just quit trying.

The Judges all love Jersey Chore’s work, forgetting that they just called Failene too Halloweeny for the same colors a couple of weeks ago. Now look, his is way better made, but still. Hypocrites. Do they even watch this show? And that skirt is good because it’s made out of wet suit material and painted? It’s FUGLY. Gay Mormon goes on and on with his pitch, but Kors kills his dream by saying the model looks like a Victorian cocktail waitress in Vegas. HAHAH. Whore Gremlin calls it trashy, and Heidi says it’s Halloween hooker. Gay Mormon tries to stick up for it, but Whore Gremlin says that it’s universally hated. It’s not us, it’s you, sweetie. I like her.

Whore Gremlin doesn’t like Matlock’s look, and Kors agrees. It’s not art, it’s just a fat girl with shit glued to her. Fat Bitch liked it, because it might be something she could fit into. The judges keep saying no one would wear it. Isn’t this an avant garde challenge? Does it matter that no one would wear it? Why am I thinking this hard? Sorry.

The judges like Bimbo’s Lawrence Welk dress, but not fervently. Whore Gremlin doesn’t get it, but after she hears the story behind it she likes it. Wait. I thought that you were supposed to not have to hear a story? It’s supposed to stand on its own, right? Tim really needs to be a judge. He’s contradicted way too much and he’s not ever there to stand up for himself.

Dollivier talks about how his kid loves bright colors as he pitches his beige dress. HAHA. Whore Gremlin loves the top, which invalidates her entire worldview to me. She could say murder is wrong and I wouldn’t believe her at this point. Kors says Dollivier needs to not be afraid of being powerful. Or of living. Or of the sun. They all fall over Nutless’ dress, but Kenneth thinks it’s shabbily made and looks like a student did it. He’s right. It looks like total shit in closeups.

So Jersey Chore is gonna win AGAIN? I hope they hurry up and decide before his poor model bleeds out. Pretty obvious that Gay Mormon’s outta there. In private time, the judges agree that Jersey was the most creative and Bimbo’s was the most well made. Nutless made something simple and you could see someone wearing it. They say this as a compliment. ? Kenneth knocks him for the shit execution again, and we move on to the bottoms.

Kors says Dollivier’s clothes are valium clothes. HA. Heidi’s bored too, and when she’s bored she eats. So she knocks back an ice cream cake while the other judges bitch about Gay Mormon being so proud of his hooker costume. Kors says that Matlock’s work looked like a Teletubby. HAHAH. Then they all mock it and laugh and laugh. They’re horrible people. I love them. Kenneth says it looks like a toddler with toys stuck to it so they don’t lose them. Love it. They go on and on and on.

The winner is…Nutless!! Kenneth Cole gets no respect up in here. Matlock is in, cuz Fat Bitch liked the roomy trunk. It’s between Dollivier and Gay Mormon. GayMo’s out. Shocker! He giggles like a baby being strangled on a bumpy road anyway. He doesn’t even cry. Robbed! I want to feel for him, but he won’t. Stop. Laughing. Like a door creak. CYA Gay Moreman!

Next week, team challenge and Jersey Chore yells at old people some more and then blames his terrible personality and his crossed eyes on his dead mom! KEEP IT CLASSY BUDDY!