Previously on Project Runway, Tim gave a teacher in Harlem a raging boner,
Terrible community theater set painting was called brilliant,
And Gay Mormon was sent back to Barney Rubble fetish night at the bear bars.
You may be gone, but your hyena getting beat with a bat laugh will be with me forever.
Oh yeah. And everyone hates Matlock. Do you remember that? The opening clips beat us over the head with that, just in case you forgot. I hope that doesn’t mean he’s out tonight!! He’s a ray of sunshine!
UGH. Why are they showing us Jersey Chore’s terrible faux wood finish again? Wait. Sorry. I think that’s Kors.
Please don’t smile.
We open with Nutless rollin’ his head and gettin’ all ghetto Southern. He has immunity from last week, but giiirl, he wanna win agayin! A color blind dipshit in a fauxhawk is leading the pack. Welcome to season 9. Bimbo is getting ready for the day by staring at her own reflection. Well, it’s not her reflection. It’s the ghost of Natasha Richardson. What a non scary ghost to have inside of you. Bimbo can’t even get a good ghost. Lame ass.
Miss Trinidad is scared though. At least I think that’s why she’s trying to poke her own eyes out.
Jersey Chore is fuming that he didn’t win the Avant Tard challenge last week. He vows to cross his eyes, display his hairy man tits, and say dead mom as many times as he has to to take home the win this week.
Fat Bitch Heidi comes out looking like she ate an entire stadium full of NASCAR fans.
The ten remaining dumdums will be split into two teams for this challenge. OOOHHHH! Shit’s gonna go DOWN! Matlock looks like he wants to kill himself. I hope he at least has the decency to frame one of his neighbors for it. Nutless gets to pick first, cuz he won last time. He wants to make sure he chooses someone who will compliment his aesthetic. Well, I doubt any of these people are tasteless enough to compliment your crap taste, but I’m sure any of them can grab ripped up fabric off the floor and glue gun it badly to a stick figure. Take any of them.
He takes Miss Trinidad. Jersey Chore is picked from a bag, so he gets to pick next. His head inflates because he thinks he gets to be the boss again, but Heidingaling tells him there are no leaders. God he’s obnoxious. Even Himberly thinks so, and she normally only hates old people. He takes Bimbo. His team also gets Himberly and Martha Plumpton. Nutless gets Dollivier, Doughy Christian, and Icktor. That leaves poor Matlock sitting all alone.
One is the thirstiest number.
He gets stuck on team Jersey Chore and mumbles “I shoulda just fuckin killed myself when I had the chance”. Heidi asks him what he said and he denies speaking. LOL. Jersey Chore’s team is miserable, and I am loving every second of it. They meet Tim in the workroom, and he’s in front of a big computer monitor watching a donkey treat a little Chinese twink like a fleshlight. He closes the window as they come in, but he can’t get his zipper up very fast. God this guy’s a slut.
The challenge is to make their own textile using GLAD tupperware computers. I predict Jersey Chore will make pleather with glitter dicks and RIP CANCER MOM all over it. They have to make a collection with three of the designs using the home made textiles, and they have to do a fashion show including video and music. Ya gotta hand it to them, they have no talented designers so they’re seeing if they can do other stuff. Video, music, pe track…eventually they’ll be talented at something, right? Human Resources: The Reality Show.
Tim has way too many products to hawk in this segment, so he brings a special guest out to justify all the senseless, hideous patterns we’re about to see. Bruce Villanche!
No. Damn. It’s just his twin, Betsey Johnson. Bimbo is psyched and says she’s always thought of herself as Betsey Johnson and Oscar de la Renta’s love child. Did they both previously design for the Lawrence Welk show? Cuz that’s the only way what your Bimbo ass just said would make sense. Meanwhile, someone get Dollivier a beige lollipop to suck on. He looks like he’s on his way out of this life.
I say hoospeetil in twayntee aggzends bud nobodies understayndeded
Tim turns on the TV to watch a Betsey Johnson show, and Martha Plumpton barfs on herself when the donkey impaled Chinese twink pops up. Woops. Change input. There’s Betsey Johnson’s line! I honestly can’t say which video was harder to look at. Betsey is one crazy bitch.
Your balls are showing.
She gives them a lecture on team work and playing nice while they scowl at her. Matlock was drunk during Betsey’s heyday. I think he thinks he’s just met Gene Simmons.
I don’t fit in with ugly men who play loud music.
Team Nutless is going with his ink blot theme. Everything is going to look like a Rorschach Test, and we’re really going to get to know these designers. Lord help us. Jersey wants his team to go with a circus theme. Makes sense. It’s pretty much the tackiest, sparkliest theme he can think of, and it’s also a great excuse for later when there are giant piles of dung littering the runway.
Bimbo isn’t in to circus. She’s thinking sea amoeba. Matlock grumbles “who?” HAHAH. Jersey goes off an a sea life rant while Himberly gives him dirty looks.
Jersey drops sea life and decides they should do a collection based on the Village People. I’m not making this shit up. What. A. Fucking. HACKYQUEEEEN. Matlock is silently amused, and Martha Plumpton is taking notes on god knows what. Bimbo says their team sucks. Jersey is crazy, Martha and Matlock are talentless, and Himberly…she doesn’t mention Himberly cuz she knows she will get her ass beat. Jersey is trying to remember all the members of Village People, and Bimbo keeps chiming in with “fireman!” until he yells at her to STFU.
The other team is getting along great, so we don’t have to spend much time with them. Martha Plumpton sneaks one of her ideas in. “Village People, amoebas, or clocks?” LOL. WHAT? Where did clocks come from? Bimbo and Jersey are both (rightfully) horrified at that one, but honestly, is it worse than Village People? Nothing is worse than Village People. Even the real Village People. So it’s gonna be black and white, just like the other team! Martha asks if they should add some color and he tells her she can design whatever the fuck she wants to. Then he tells us that this isn’t his vision! His vision will be realized in the finale, when he can dress anorexics up like Indians and construction workers with glitter coming out their cornholes all he wants to. Delusional. Please tell me he doesn’t get to the end! PLEEEASE!
Nice team is calling themselves Chaos, and Jersey’s team is calling themselves Nuts & Bolts. Well, he didn’t get his terrible concept in there, but he got a terrible name in so good for him. Personally, I think that name is a slam against Himberly’s underwear drawer. It’s not nice to out a tranny, Jersey. She’ll whip it out when she’s ready.
They all get to work, and Martha Plumpton tries to figure out why she can’t get her email on the computer. Doughy Christian is surrounded by his whole team while he tries to work. He thinks it’s because he hasn’t won a challenge yet and they don’t trust him. Dingdingding! Also, cuz you’re horrible.
Nuts and Dolts has all their designs on the table to vote on which ones should be represented. They’re all of clocks. On the nose much? NONE of them should be represented. Time itself is embarrassed. Matlock couldn’t figure out how to print his in time, so he mumbles “So much for my fuckin clocks.” Jersey tells us that people who use bad language are idiot heathens. You know what’s super classy though? Hissing your spray tanned bile at old people and women who can’t kick your ass. So that’s what he does! He tells Matlock that everyone complains about him because of his mumbling and “I will not stand for it!” OK Matlock is an asshole, but he wasn’t even saying anything bad about anyone. Damn. It’s commercial break. Hopefully when we come back, Jersey Chore will be sprawled out dead on the floor and Matlock will be towering above the queen with his ripped out throat in his mouth.
How many Matlocks do you see right now you crosseyed a hole?
We come back and Jersey has not been group murdered. Yet another failure for this cast. He is still berating Matlock and telling him not to come near him. Then he slaps the table and shouts at his minions to use the old bastard’s clock pattern so he doesn’t have to listen to Matlock cry about it on the Runway. Matlock is like um….who’s amoeba? Jersey keeps ranting and raving and carrying on and then tries to get Matlock to admit he used the f word. Fuck. YOU. What a horrid evil c wordy little queen. HATE. Across the room, the other team is giggling in delight. Doughy Christian tells them that Jersey woke up in that mood and it’s just going downhill. Jersey storms off, spitting his poison all over the room. Himberly, who is quickly becoming my fave, says it all with one face.
Matlock shrugs him off and calls him an amateur, but Martha Plumpton tells us that Jersey is probably acting out cuz his mom died. UGH. Stop giving him excuses! The death of a parent is terrible, and I’m not even gonna make jokes about it. But that poor woman was either gonna die from cancer or live with cancer.
Bimbo decides to get Jersey out of there to shoot the video so he can’t ruin the whole challenge. Let the queen go out into the streets of NY for a while and ask construction workers to pose for him. Bimbo’s kinda smart. If a brat won’t shut up, shove something in its mouth. The others go to Mood, which will be awesome cuz with Martha and Matlock are both on that trip you know there’s gonna be lots of poly blend and feathers. Team Senior! How can you not root for Martha Plumpton when she scratches her ass during her diary room?
Nuts and Dolts meets about their video concept. Martha wants the inner workings of a clock, but Bimbo says that’s too literal. Let’s just make it about women on the move! K, Martha’s idea wasn’t brill or anything, but “on the move”? Nuts and Dolts: For the Woman Who Gets Out of Bed in the Morning. Team Chaos is having a great time. They’re giggling and dancing and being all pallid and stuff.
Icktor and Doughy Christian take charge of the video and Ick says that since they’re named Chaos he will go onto the subway without a shirt and watch the riders all freak out. Now that’s a solid plan. Unfortunately, Project Runway doesn’t generally reward good team work. Down with team Happy!
Icktor and Doughy go to Times Square and take video of lumpy tourist knees while Jersey and Bimbo make a video of her as a busy woman who changes shoes a lot. They know this isn’t a shoe challenge, right? Bimbo seems to know this isn’t gonna work, cuz she’s already pulling a Miss Trinidad to try and keep the video watchable.
The Vagina: Nature’s Clock
They all reconvene at the workroom to watch the footage. Nuts and Dolts must be thrilled to see the shots of Jersey running around with his hairy ass legs in heels. Miss Trinidad comes up with a really cool idea to morph their vid so that it looks like a kaleidoscope. I have a feeling the cabs crashing into each other will be fitting. Not everyone is sold on it, but if anyone knows their amateur video making, it’s Miss Trinidad.
At the end of the work day, Jersey Chore gets everyone’s attention to make an announcement. You’re really white? Your eyebrows aren’t real? You’re wearing eight pounds of a teenage girls makeup drawer? No, sillies. We already knew that. He’s sorry to everyone for being such a bitch this morning! Typical abusive shithead. Beat someone then apologize then beat them again. I wish Jennifer Lopez was here to tell you what she thinks of that kind of behavior.
Matlock grumbles that Jersey could have been a real person and apologized privately, but it’s so him to publicly backpedal so he doesn’t get in troubs on the runway. Just like it’s Matlock’s personality to kick a person that’s apologizing. It’s called nature. Like flowers. Or sunshine. Or poop.
The next morning, their prints arrive. Every single one of them is black and white. HAHAHAH! Man, they try their hardest to get these fools to be creative but they just. Can’t. Do it. Martha Plumpton is coming up with other ways than design to win this thing. She’s going to make Nutless super insecure and cry so he can’t finish his work.
I have something you don’t have! Nannybooboo motha trucka!
Himberly says she and Bimbo are the only bolts on the team, and the rest are nuts. Just cuz you have nuts doesn’t make you nuts. I enjoy Himberly’s self confidence. Also I hope she cries soon. It’s her turn, no? Nutless tells us that his team is gonna hand paint some stuff to show that they can use both sides of their brain. I think at this point using it at all would be impressive. He’s got an idea! Wait. Let him look at the scabs he gets on his knuckles from dragging them on the ground so much first.
So what does left/right brain thinking lead you too? Cow print.
Himberly’s not using any of the clock textiles cuz they’re all hideous. Where did she come from? Why am I only liking her now? Miss Trinidad goes to the lunch room to talk shit about everyone. Specifically, Martha Plumpton. Man that chick can’t catch a break. She’s made a white skirt with numbers all over it, which isn’t great, but Jesus let her lose on her own. She makes the mistake of getting hungry and runs into the girls in the lunchroom. Bimbo says snottily and without looking at her that her skirt is coming off very math teacher. Martha Plumpton’s look is priceless. I’m waiting for her to ram her car into Bimbo and then calmly say “I’m older and I have better insurance.”
Miss Trinidad says she would have chosen something different. Um, you’re not on this team. Go back to using the only lips that are ever gonna get you anywhere in life on the internet where you belong, skank! Don’t mess with Towanda! Bimbo, still snotty, advises again against using the numbers, and Martha Plumpton snaps “Well, you’re spray tanned bitch vomited all over the team so we’re just trying to pull it together, k?” Or something. Miss Trinidad excuses herself and Bimbo takes a step back, not realizing she’s the c here.
Tim comes in to check on progress, and he looooves the cohesion on team Gayos. His only worry is that the patterns are so loud they might send Kors into an epileptic fit when they’re walking. Fingers crossed! The other team is in troubs. Tim no likey Bimbo’s fug jumpsuit, doesn’t like the cut of Matlock’s dress, and hates the numbers on Martha Plumpton’s skirt. She’s made a backup with the cog fabric, but he hates that too. So she shows him another one, and he hates that one too. He shrugs and moves on. LOLost cause.
He calls Himberly’s material “faux poodle” and doesn’t get wtf Jersey’s going for. It’s very Cruella DeVille. That guy knows how to put his personality into his work, I’ll give him that.
Tim has no idea where that woman would be going. To the puppy store, probably. Jersey starts arguing with Tim, saying that she shouldn’t have to be going anywhere cuz it’s just a jacket. Maybe she’s just a woman on a cold day with nothing else to wear. Tim’s like um….you need work on your storytelling. He tells them that their work is blasphemy and they need to form a prayer circle and pray to Liza or God or Hitler or whoever they believe in to save the day. Love it. They actually do form a circle. HAHAHAH!!! Jersey won’t hold Martha Plumpton’s hand. Just her wrist. This show kills me sometimes.
Nutless says a prayer circle is A PROJECT RUNWAY FIRST! I was worried no one was gonna whip that sorry tired phrase out this episode. Thanks for being sorry and tired, Nutless! Consistency is the key. Tim just told Jersey to let his ego go, and now Jersey is fuming mad. He sits silently in his gay Foot Locker uniform and stews.
We should have gone with the cancer theme.
Then Jersey complains to the only person that will listen to his stupid ass: Hag Bimbo, who is becoming his Smithers. Then he does my fave thing EVAH! HE MAN CRIES!!
His feewings are hurt cuz Tim was mean! Jersey came from the Midwest from a “humbled” family that can’t talk good! HOW DARE YOU SIR! Is that the same family that taught you how to edge your Express tanks with leopard print? If so Tim should call each one of them and yell at them too. Now he’s rambling about how he never gets to see his family cuz he works in a bar. Huh? How does that make any sense? And now we’re supposed to feel bad for bartenders? N word PLEASE! If it weren’t for evil bartenders, Matlock never would have become a raging drunk and ended up in a pee filled alley only to recover in his twilight years and show up all grumpy and miserable on my TV. Wait a second. Never mind. Long live bartenders!
He’s calling his dad, but it’s not on the video phone. Damn! I wanted to see if his dad wears eight pounds of makeup too.
He starts wahing on the phone with his dad. It’s hard to feel bad when he’s holding the phone with the only fuck buddy who will ever love him enough to tattoo his name onto his wrist.
Of course, he brings up dead mom, because it’s easier than sewing something that’s not fug. Then he tells us that his mom died. Then he sobs because he didn’t get to go home to see his mom while she was sick. Wow. That’s fucking heartless. Are they not allowing bartenders to purchase Greyhound tickets any more? And then you don’t go visit your grieving dad? Why again? Because poor people can’t travel? SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU SELFISH PRICK. I’m a broke bitch and I go home every time I’m needed. Granted, I steal silverware and change out of my dad’s penny jar every time I go, but still. Being a bartender isn’t an excuse for being an asshole. Yes, yes I am ranting and raving against someone who lost their mother to cancer. I am a horrible, horrible person. But at least I have the decency to stay off your TV.
He puts on something hideous, whips out his hairy man tits again, and gets back to work, promising to be a better person until he’s starving for camera time again.
He is nicer. He starts by going up to Matlock and complimenting his pretty wattle. AW! They decide to bury the hatchet until the runway, and the day ends with everyone getting along. Back at the apartment, Himberly’s like “WTF was with Tim’s prayer circle?” but Bimbo doesn’t laugh. She says that Tim was instrumental in helping them pretend to be decent people for a few hours. I think Himberly no likey Bimbo. Welcome to the club.
Glad I brought it up. Please. Keep talking.
The next morning, Jersey tells Bimbo that he is so happy to be a good person now. She yes sirs him and snivels and licks his cornhole like the good little hag minion she is. Dollivier is way behind. I’ll wait for you to recover from the shock. Hair and makeup! SMOKE BREAK! Runway time! Fat Bitch Heidi comes out burping up the Crisco shake she just downed. Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!
Hi Rachel Roy and Rose Byrne! Hey Rose, love you but what happened to Damages? The show starts with Jersey Chore’s mess. The pants have words on them, I think. If those pants could write their own words it would be covered in nos. The Cruella jacket looks lopsided and ill fitting, and the thrown together blouse looks like bruise his parents should have given his ass as a child.
He tells us how impressed he is with himself as the model turns and shows us her hunchback.
Martha Plumpton made the same boring mini skirt, but with a less disgusting fabric. She paired that with a lime green top and a cater waiter jacket. Yikes.
Matlock made a simple summery dress, but it has cog material and a zipper in the front, so it’s very forward for him. You’re reaching new heights of mediocrity, buddy! Congrats! Jersey Chore, forgetting that he’s a good person today, snarks about how terrible the length is.
Himberly has made one of those skirts that looks like a woman who just popped out five babies put on some spandex to shake her jelly roll on a Friday night.
Please tuck in your stomach. You’re in public.
Bimbo made a jumpsuit with some pattern thrown onto the belt so it will count as a pattern used. Osh Kosh pajamas with hooker heels. Why has no one thought of this before? It screams daddy issues.
Jersey is confident that that shit will win, but Nina looks like the nanny just showed up to pick up the baby before she had a chance to come out from under the crib and eat it.
Team Gayos is next, and their kaleidoscope vid is pretty cool. It almost makes you forget that you’re looking at more black and white print. Miss Trinidad is first, and Tim was right about this stuff hurting the eyes when it moves. Simple boring short dress in crazy pattern. It looks cute, as it has the other eight million times we’ve seen it.
Doughy Christian is next with high waisted diapers and a simple tee. I love that even when his whole team is putting out fug, he still finds a way to top it.
Nutless went Midwestern farm girl with child bearing hips and bolo. He makes me insane, but at least his is kinda different.
Dolliver sent another pair of capri pants down. His has a tux jacket thing, though, that looks pretty cool. Amazing how he can make even grey look beige.
Poor model is going to flip her lid when she sees what her ass looks like in those pants.
And now for Icktor’s cow ballgown. Ick. Flows beautifully in the back though.
Team Gayos wins!! Oh shit I called that one wrong. My bad! The losers are sent to the greenroom to get their dead mom stories straight. Jersey is furious, and Himberly calls him out on suddenly turning into a bitch again. Martha says that he’s just prepping to throw old people in front of the Orange Line. He seethes in an evil condescending way that he knows his product and Martha doesn’t so it’s not throwing her under the bus, it’s just calling her horrible and untalented. Yeah we all know your product, and the Jersey Hot Topic has it covered, you ass. If gayness was a disease, he is wearing what it would look like under a microscope.
Martha takes it like a man as he arches his terrible eyebrows and snivels. Horrid, horrid gay. Back to Team Gayos. Heidi loves every single piece and calls it the best runway show ever. God why am I even listening to these fools? Look at this mess!
Kors brings at least a little reality into it by calling Doughy Christian’s work tacky and unsophisticated, but then he splooges all over Dollivier for the best tailoring in the history of Project Runway. These people are more obsessed with their own history than that little bird in the kids story that walks around asking everyone if they’re his mother.
Are you my mother? Are you my mother? Are you my mother?
Rose Byrne would wear any of those clothes if they were just five sizes smaller. She doesn’t apologize for this season of Damages, though, so she shouldn’t be allowed to speak. Nina loves it all and wants Doll’s jacket and agrees that Doughy Christian is horrible. Heidi asks who the winner should be, and they all say that everyone deserves it. Heidi tells them to not be pussies and answer. Dollivier chooses himself. HAHAH. The rest of them follow suit and choose themselves. Well at least not only their clothes are unoriginal. Oh wait, Douhboy picks Miss Trinidad. He’s not even gonna front.
The losers are brought out. Their collection makes me wanna barf the least, and I like that Matlock avoided the tiny patterns and went for Reader’s Digest sized print.
Heidi thinks it’s too busy, and Kors says it’s too literal. The print on one of the skirts says “cancelled” and guest judge won’t wear it. HAHAH. Kors says that they beat the other team in the cohesion department, but their line looks like the end of a hooker convention. Nina doesn’t care. She wants them to shit talk about each other. Martha Plumpton tells them she had three skirts and chose the least hated. Kors accuses Bimbo of copping out with her lame belt, and Kors says Himberly was smart to avoid the hideous prints cuz no one wants “cancelled” on their jayjay. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Up close, this is the perfect Waiting for My Period skirt after a one night stand.
The designers are good humored about being mocked. Well, except for Jersey Chore. He’s seething. Kors says Matlock has shitty fabric but his cut was perf. When asked how they worked together, Matlock tattle tales on evil Jersey for embarrassing gay people everywhere with his shitty personality. Heidi asks Jersey if he hates old people, and he’s wise enough to keep it shut. Becky says that Jersey was the meanest so he should go. Nina isn’t taking that shit and says that they’re adults and he wasn’t the leader. Jersey says his work is impeccable (LOL) and if the show is about design then he shouldn’t go home. Bimbo says Matlock sucks the most, and Jersey says that Martha Plumpton sucks the most. Martha stands up for herself, and Jersey says he has more foundation. Well if that’s the way we’re looking at it, you’ll win every challenge. Himberly says Becky sucked the most cuz she’s too simple. Youch.
In alone time, the judges repeat themselves while I stare at Nina’s tassel. She knows those are supposed to go on your nipples, right?
The judges are pretty universally disgusted by Martha Plumpton. Kors says she might be too little, but Jersey is way too much and tacky. Kors calls him a bully, which is the most right on thing he’s said all day. The dodos are brought back out, and we didn’t even get to see Jersey throw shit in the greenroom. We was robbededed!
Miss Trinidad wins!! YAY! Good for her! Bimbo, Himberly, and Matlock (!!!) are safe, leaving Martha Plumpton and Jersey Chore on the runway. They’re just trying to teach Jersey a lesson. There’s no way they’re keeping Martha over him. And….they don’t. Martha’s out!! Poor girl!! You should have glued feathers onto shit!! Now poor Matlock is all alone in the world! She says that she is going home because her designs are the most commercial. Huh? She says that in life, sometimes people are just more talented than you. AW! She’s nice and humble? She should have been kicked off a long time ago cuz that shit don’t fly here. Love ya Martha!! Stay hawt!
Next week, the designers break out of their slump and prove that there is actually some real, creative talent in this group! And you thought I knew nothing about positive visualization.