Project Runway: Double Down Breakdown

Previously, Rhea Perlman’s creepy doppelganger took over NYC…

Chunk got Touched by a Fat Bitch Angel yet again after making a pool dress…

Wait. That glass of champagne had HOW MANY POINTS?!?!

…and Mondo took black and white to a gayer place than it’s ever been before.

Gayer than

Oh yeah. And Wretch pretty much grossed us all out.

Either do some squats or put that thing away, you pasty hippie.

You guys, how cheap is this show? The prize is still a hundred grand. MasterChef gives out a quarter of a mil and that show looks like it’s made with like five dollars. Anyhoo, Fat Bitch Heidi comes out dressed in a grey tent.

That dress makes your bangs look fat(ter).

 

The final four will be given nine thousand bucks for their collections. Like I said, CHEAP. Didn’t it used to be 10? Come on, Fat Bitch. You know you can afford a little more after all those free fug designs Trandy gave you a couple weeks ago on the Fat Dowdy Women Who Only Shop On the Internet challenge. You know who looks totally excited to be in the final four? Mondo.

Perk up, mija. Think of all the Hello Kitty hoodies you’ll be able to buy if you win this thing.

Only three will make it to the end, and I hope after we witness what kind of freakshow existence Wretch was spawned from we can watch her split ends leave the screen. Fingers crossed! Tim comes out and gives some snottily sweet words. Everyone’s pretty psyched to have made it to the almost end. Mondo is just glad to be leaving the giant oppressive iron that threatens to crush him dead every morning. It ain’t easy being little.

The Incredible Shrinking Mija

Wretchen knows in her ice cold straw heart that she has the talent to make it to fashion week. And then she gifts us with the most flattering shot of her face all season.

Stay still. You look perfect.

Chunk refuses to talk big about his prospects and jokes about having the last laugh. You won’t have the last one, but you’ll most likely have the scariest Cheetos and Yoohoo smelling one.

Trandy’s plan is to make the judges as surprised as a drunk frat boy getting him naked after a seedy stroll on Santa Monica Blvd. Trandy has shown some talent this season, but you know Tim has only been on his side so much because of the trip to Hawaiisia he gets to take now that Trandy’s in the finals. Hawaiisia is rumored to have some seriously seedy gay leather sex and Tim Gunn is a whorebag. Trand lives out in the middle of nowhere. Kind of like a trailer park, but less classy. The first sign Tim gets that Trandy is doing well is this pair of men’s shoes outside his hut.

Real penis alert!

Those shoes can’t possibly be Trandy’s, right? Unless he inverted his penis just to become a drag king. The grass is always greener, eh? Trandy grew up on a farm, raising sugar cane and catfish. Tim reacts to the catfish pretty much like you’d think he would.

AAAAAGH! The piscis is extirpating the internals of my viscera!

Trandy tries to get Tim to hold a fish, but Tim says he’s known that he’s anti fish since childhood. Trandy says there’s nothing to be afraid of. The fish look like cats and Chinese men. LOL.

Two things that also scare me. How bout you take me to a football game next you TORTURER!?!?

Tim goes inside and meets Trandy’s adorable mom and his goal look.

Tim asks TranMom if she’s shocked that as an immigrant farmer she raised a transexual that’s into designing S&M gear. She doesn’t know what that means, so he pulls down the back of his pants a little bit to show her his leather thong. She giggles and puts her fist in her mouth.

Let’s get shitfaced, soulmate.

Trandy tells us that every immigrant family dreams of better lives for their children, and in return for all of his mom’s support, he’s determined to get a vagina that’s better than hers. A hundred grand can’t by love, but it can buy a mother’s pride. AW!!! Trand’s inspiration is from Buddha and a pic of his grandpa. I can’t wait to see how he weaves that tale in with hard sex. Grandpas aren’t innocent just cuz they’re old and Buddha’s not sexless just cuz he’s fat. He’s waited for three weeks for all of his materials to arrive. Um…that’s half his time. And how is a collection inspired by Buddha featuring so many jewels?

I think Buddha just wore the same ole sumo thong every day, but whatevs.

He’s concentrating on a lot of headpieces for this one, which could get a little draggy. This one is scary. It’s modeled after Nina waking up in the morning.

Trandy’s Hellraiser explanation is that the girl’s tears are floating away from her. Tim gives it his “yay another Seal CD from Heidi for a Christmas bonus” face.

Tim’s “yay another Seal CD from Heidi for a Christmas bonus” face.

Trandy has some bizarre headpieces (or as we call them here in not trannyville, HATS), but zero outfits. He shouldn’t have gone to Hawaiisia to work. That place makes you lazy. Look at this surfer.

Make an effort, brah.

Trandy does, however, have some sketches. A dog, a penis, a Phantom mask….an outfit! As he shows Tim his doodles, he says the word “ROMPERS!” a lot. I am already looking forward to his line. Drag baby clothes. A romper. LOL. It looks a little Wretch to me.

And a chic chicken suit? Bring it!

Tim says the line is like a salad bar. Peas are good, corn is good, spinach is good. Hard boiled eggs? Yes. Bleu cheese? Please. Baby corns and snot guards? Seconds! It all looks delicious, but together it’s one fibrous pile of poop. Trandy’s like um….thanks? He’s only got ten weeks to complete 10 looks, which makes me root for him way less. I mean come on dude, I get that you had to special order stuff and it took awhile, but that’s why no one should ever go work in Hawaiisia. Next time you get to the finals on a reality show, work somewhere that’s on an actual map. Another sign this show is cheap: Tim’s driving himself around. Embarrassing!

I quit strippin for this? Garmin, you are flabbergasting me with the neurosis of your dissemination!

Tim stops over at Palm Springs next. I think he’s the only person who’s ever worn a suit jacket there with jeans. You know he’s gonna be in his bday suit doing coke off an twink hooker’s ass the second this segment is shot. First, though, let’s check on the Mike and Molly of the gay community!

I loved you in that Samantha show.
Hey! Why do I always have to be Molly?

Chunk’s inspiration is pretty much as deep as you’d think. Sunset and feathers. Well he couldn’t exactly say his inspiration was the Double Down chicken sandwich at KFC. Chunk has gone way overboard and designed what looks like hundreds of dresses. Some look cool, some look terrible, some look like Double Down chicken sandwiches at KFC. Tim calls it diarrhea design, and I am mortified that Tim just used such a crude word. Do you think Tim poops? I don’t. Colonics. Bet you money. He’s too classy to poop.

You guys, I need to move out of LA. I’m sick of being the only chunky person in my neighborhood. Palm Springs is where it’s at. Central air and zero outside time.

Birds of a feather binge together.

Giovanni, Chunk’s inexplicable son, gives Tim a dainty handshake and wonders if his dad will ever have a girl over. Chunk tries to convert Tim to the church of Chunk with breakfast.

Oh no, girl. I don’t have a cleaning until next week. Thank you though. Please try to keep your heart beating until the end of the episode so we don’t have to cut you post mortem.

Chunk’s husband starts gossiping with Tim, saying Chunk’s parents are all supportive and nice now that Chunk’s temporarily famous, but they’ve never supported him before. Turns out husband outed Chunk to the folks when they started dating and the rents freaked. No word on whether they were mad about the gayness or the morbid obesity, but both can be uncomfortable on planes. I guess they fly a lot. Anyway, outing is never cool. Even if you’re Cher’s daught/son.

Not nice, Chaz.

Chunk’s family would only support him if he got married to a girl, and he was only willing to marry a Double Down sandwich from KFC. The child hasn’t really been explained, but I assume it wasn’t born to a Double Down chicken sandwich. Would a chicken sandwich having a baby be grosser than Chunk sticking his wick inside a girl? Let’s all take a moment to shudder together. Aw, bonding!

Be who you are. As long as it’s not terrible. Which it usually is. Ok don’t be who you are. Be Sandra Bullock. Look at all she’s come through! And her baby’s cuter. Did I say that? No. No I didn’t. Isotope! Usufruct! Parsimonious!

I don’t know wtf you just said, but I’ll Double Down on it.

Mondo reminds me of PeeWee Herman fashion sense wise, but even PeeWee would be like “ew girl no please what are you a Gaytalian restaurant?? We’re not going to the adult movie theater until you’ve changed. People already treat me like a fucking freak.”

He’s a wine bottle covered in melted candle wax away from being the gayest Italian restaurant table of all time.

Mondo is in Denver, and Tim is there to say hi and OW MY EYES.

Rizzo’s pregnant. You didn’t hear it from me.

You guys, has Denver lost all its bullies? Or are they just too stoned to do anything about this?

So, Mondo, how come you never leave the house?

Tim’s like “um nice place?” and Mondo starts pitching his line. He wanted to stay true to his Mexihood by basing his line on old Mexicircuses. Oh. ALRIGHTYTHEN. He has learned so much from the culture. Turns out he even knew Kors before spray tans were invented!

It’s really interesting on this show to see what people who can sew come up with in so little time. But when they have a lot of time, you get to see what’s really inside of them. And sometimes, it’s Cloris Leachman.

He’s going for a Day of the Dead thing, which means lots of damn skulls everywhere. So original, Mond. Cuz skulls aren’t EVERYWHERE right now. Lame. I knew his stuff would be insane, but hacky? BOOOOOO. He’s all about pink, patterns, and stuff that doesn’t even try to look right. Tim warns him that it looks like he’s trying too hard, but Mondo argues and Tim doesn’t want a skull thrown at his head so he just hugs him and lets it go. You can’t reason with a midget in a hot pink apartment glue gunning hot pink feathers to everything while wearing a gaytalian table. So let’s just change the subject. Mondo’s bfriend? HOT.

Now comes the part where someone reveals to the boyfriend that Mondo’s not, in fact, an eccentric ten year old girl. PERV!

Over lunch, Tim tries to break the ice with a story about how he was always the last kid picked for “baseball game” in school so he understands if Mondo’s parents think their son is a freak. They say that yeah, they wish they had had a man sometimes, but it’s nice to have someone to iron the curtains and tell you you’re wearing last year when you’re on the way to church. Mondo says that they had a deal when he was a kid that if he played softball, he would also get to take piano. AW! That’s called compromise, I think. Parents are funny. Like just the act of playing softball could turn him straight.

Mondo plays piano for Tim and tells us how happy he is. AW! Let’s go see someone miserable! Wretchen in Portland! WretchedMom is helping her kid move. Wretch came home to a broken relationship, an empty house, a shriveled womb, split ends….well she already had those but still. WAH. Wretch is mortified that Tim is coming into her crappy existence with TV cameras, but she is sure that she is packing that day and whining about it so we can all see. UGH. We feel HORRIBLE for you, Wretch. If you want to keep a man, you’re gonna have to buy some stronger chains to bolt into that basement.

Tim tells Wretch that he, too, was in a horrid relationship once. If it hadn’t ended horribly, he would never have told his left palm to shove off and he never would have moved to NY! So misery is…fun? I guess it’s supposed to be a learning experience, but coming from a terminally single queen, probs not. On the other hand, getting Wretch used to a life without a man is kind in a way. She’ll save a lot of money going dutch on internet dates only to be abandoned after the guy goes to the bathroom and never returns.

Tim’s “my advice is to get a cold apartment, put heavy curtains over the windows, and sit in the dark a lot with your strays” face.

Wretch spouts off a bunch of cliches like “big risk equals big win!” “don’t count your chickens before they hatch!” “zucchini is healthier than a penis and you can throw it out when you’re done!” and so on. Tim listens patiently and has the decency not to ask her why the fuck she’s growing sideburns.

Heartfreeze Motel

Wretch tells us that she missed Tim. LOL right. She’s really raw right now, you guys. Get me some salt. She’s going for safari and tribal in her line, and she’s mixing and matching hideous patterns that don’t go together. Mondo stealer! Annie Got Her Gun, went to Goodwill, shot a bunch of people, became an alcoholic, and then spent the rest of her life dumpster diving for something nice to wear to Turkey Day at the homeless shelter.

Where have all the cowboys gone? They ran far far away. And who can blame em? Shave.

Tim warns her about the April diapers she’s making and also that her line is getting a little costumey. There’s a whole week left, so it’s the perfect time for him to tell Wretch flat out that she needs to “re-conceive.” After hearing that she needs some turquoise jewelry and headbands, Wretch calmly moves on with her pitch to the jewelry section. It’s the clunky Indian Casino Gift Shop crap Tim was warning against, so he changes tactics. “It’s a matter of taste.”

Yeah. One of us doesn’t have any. Will you comb my back before you leave?

Tim ends positively with Wretch, and Wretch is convinced. WretchMom talks about what an anal brat Wretch was as a kid, and Tim’s like “yup she still is. Yay moms…?” Poor Wretch is really trying to be even keeled and kind. She just. Can’t. Do it. She could be giving a starving African child a bed net and find a way to get in a bony remark. Like “these don’t have calories, but they protect against malaria so at least the mosquitos will starve too. I’m a good person ammiright?”

What a bitch.

Let’s go back to NY! Mondo is the first to arrive at the hotel, so he hides behind a bed and jumps out at Chunk when he gets there. “Did I scare you?” “Your pants scared me.” LOL! Oh, lord look at these pants.

So I just googled “gay handkerchief meanings”. A navy blue hanky in your back right pocket means you’re a bottom that likes to get f’ed. Well no shit. Trandy is next, and he’s really grown out his Last of the (Ho)Mohicans hair. Wretchen is the last to arrive, and everyone’s nice to her. Boooo!

I’ve been scaring weak men away with my astounding talent. How have you guys been? Taken any sewing classes? FUN!

Tim comes in and makes a joke about leaving their door unlocked and they all try to laugh. Tim should not make jokes. He’s got a surprise! The Hilton is giving them all crabs! AW! That family! They also all get trips to various locations. Hey! Where’s the twist? Where’s the final challenge? I guess they have to fill the time. Next morning: Unpacking the lines and shit talking each other. Actually Mondo just shit talks Chunk and how the judges love his “effortless” work even though it looks effortless cuz so little effort is actually made.

Tim announces the challenge that will decide who shows for the Lifetime cameras in the tent will be to show three looks. Two from their collection, and one they will have two days to create. The only rule is that it has to enhance their collection. That’s easy! Wretch is gonna do something casual to balance out the “sophistication” in the rest of her line. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLLLLLLLLLL!!!

Trandy needs more WOW, and Mondo can’t come up with anything. At mood, Chunk decides to do a drapey effortless look. Duh. What else would he do? What else could he do? Tim tells Mondo to man up and not go into whine mode and they’re back at the workroom! Hours into the workday, Wretch asks if it’s breakdown hour yet. Apparently so, cuz that’s what Mondo’s doing. He’s realized that his dress is shit. At least he could see it! But come on, you know that most of his stuff could go either way. Either you’re in the mood to be fucked in the eye by ten year old girl midget wackiness or you’re not.

I’m not.

As he leaves the workroom for the hotel, Mondo shouts “last one there is a terrible designer!” Chunk is the last one out. Teehee. The next morning it’s back to work. Tim comes in to check on progress and starts with Chunk. Tim is worried for him, which makes Chunk even more neurotic. Tim thinks Wretch’s work is def cohesive in it’s hideousness. She’s pastily psyched. Mondo is next and shows Tim his nasty orig dress and his newer, cuter dress. It’s a lot better. Still kinda fug, but it’s what he does so yay I guess. Trandy has come up with more of that fan pleating thing he’s done before, and Tim is impressed even though he’s pretty much seen this before in black. Before he leaves, Tim tells everyone but Chunk to keep doing great and ps Chunk don’t suck byethnxyoushouldn’thavemarriedchazbonohe’llruinyourlifecya.

Hair and makeup! YAY! BREAK! BRB.

When I come back, Mondo is trying to figure out why he can’t get the Logo channel on his model.

Face North! Face South! JUST WOOOORK!

Mondo cries and tells us how much he wants this. OH WAH. Wretch cries too and wahs about being homeless and frigid and having a dream. OK Fartin Lucifer King.

Runway time! Fat Bitch Heidi comes out in black to prove that it’s not always slimming. She did, however, get rid of her One Gay at a Time hair so well done. Unfortunately, her forehead makes her look even fatter. Poor girl. She’s never gonna make it in this business.

Maybe buy a stair stepper. Or hang a Big Mac from the ceiling and jump up a lot and try to catch it. Just do SOMETHING.

Damn I should have cut my bangs. How am I gonna win without a fat bangs twin on my side?

 

Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!

Aqua Queen Hunger Force

Hi Nina!

Trandy is out first. Love his first number. It’s a silver showgirl costume from the twenties. The camel toe is so severe that it goes up to the model’s rib cage. I call that vaginal dedication. WINNA. The headpiece looks like a representation of the current threat of bed bugs in NYC. This one is deep you guys.

The back, though? NO! You picked this out of how many looks? He’s gonna have to get his models in iron underwear so their asses will stop gorging on his clothes during runway time.

McTrandy’s: One Billion Starving Asses Served

Next up, a bikini with flowing sheers stapled on. Uh….this is the finals, right? Did he seriously just send a bikini out as a final piece?!?! He follows that with his green already done fan party paper dress. The headpiece is a giant metal s. I hope this girl doesn’t walk under any power lines.

Chunk is up. Another flowy drapey dress. Very pretty, butzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Next up is a simple blouse with an extremely rare Fozzie Bear fur skirt that adds about five children to his model’s past.

In Wretch’s fave color palette, I might add.

Love these pants. The top is a little done, but this is his best for me. Well not for me. I couldn’t wear this. Without man spanx. And plastic surgery. And serious prayer. No clothes are worth that much trouble. But hi anyway, God. Amen.

As he tells us that he has a chance to win this whole thing, we catch a glimpse of the uneven, unflattering mess of a back.

Wretch makes porno music as the model walks. HAHAH. Wretch’s turn. She starts with a super casual hipster bumming around the city dress, but she’s added a little bit of Mondo patterns at the hips. Is it me? I have never seen her do anything like this. Still, bizoring.

The next look looks like her winning jumpsuit, but it’s two pieces and the fabric is cheap and gross and clashy and the model looks fat. Yay for that, boo for everything else. This is terrible, and at this point is just plain she’s trying to rip Mondo off. But in brown. Which is kinda missing the point, right? If you’re gonna steal, do it right you bony hippie.

Next up is a plastic Hef robe over a badly made pair of short shorts. ??????? Is this a Trandy rip? I remember not loving Wretch, but I don’t remember her being terrible. Well, yeah I do, but not this terrible.

Mondo is last. His first look is more wacky mismatched patterns, but it looks really good here. He will be wearing this outfit at some point this year, if he hasn’t already been.

Chunk laughs at the bag, and so do I. His new look is a wacky pattern with a simple jersey top. Cutemeh.

His last dress is kinda hot. The guy def knows how to stick with a theme. He can make breaking out in canker sores downright glamourous.

Full body chlamydia is IN!

The judges start with Mondo. He did a lot of screen printing for this one and left color out mostly. Kors loves the new skirt and one of the blouses. Heidi agrees about the skirt but doesn’t like the blue top. She does love the std dress though. Nina gives him credit for boldness and theatricality but isn’t into the std dress because it’s too wacky and bordering on circus. Wait til she sees the rest of his line. It’s not only circus, it’s a Mexican circus. Nina’s gonna shit on the floor. In Spanish.

Next out is Trandy. Everyone loves the green dress, forgetting that he’s done it before. Nina thinks his stuff is too bare and doesn’t show range. She rolls her eyes when he calls the silver outfit a casual day look and he left out the best stuff so he didn’t give it away. Heidi thinks the bikini is a throwaway and showing that is a waste. His accessories are also busted. Nina sighs heavily as he leaves. LOLove her.

Chunk comes out and nervously explains his work. Kors uses “effortless” again, Heidi loves the top with the pants, and on closer inspection it is pretty cool the way he did it. From far away it looks like silk, but it’s string or something. Or hair. Love ya Chris March! Nina can’t believe he did the same thing in every color. Chunk says he did that to make it look like a collection and Kors verbally facepalms. Heidi hates the fat Fozzie Bear skirt. Nina is bored. He broke the cardinal rule. BYE!

Don’t bore Nina.

Wretch is last. Nina says “my interest was not piqued” and it looks like drama free granola hippie bullshit. She likes the Hef robe kinda, but hates the sack dress and asks where the Birkenstocks are. Dang, Nina! Heidi likes all of it, but says that they all need to be styled different cuz they look like lady hippies. LOL. Kors says they all look poor. BWA. I LOVE THESE JUDGES. Wretch looks like she’s gonna cry, so Kors breaks up with her and kicks her out of the house. Wretch argues that she has some fancier stuff, including a red carpet dress. The judges don’t get why everyone’s choosing to show their most boring stuff on the final challenge. No answer. Those judges aren’t fake. The cast should take their lead, cuz this is downright NASTY.

In the holding tank, everyone’s depressed. Chunk tries giving an inspirational speech about accepting whatever happens, but he doesn’t talk too good so that’s a failure. In private time, Heidi says she feels bad for being such a c word. Nina c wordily says that they were justified. Heidi likes Wretch’s work and that she stands behind who she is, even if it’s a hippie mess. Nina loves that Mondo has so much showmanship, but worries that he comes off as a joke. Heidi argues that he walks the fine line well. Kors calls his work overwrought and hates the headpieces. They’re pretty funny.

Kors says he doesn’t want the circus coming to town, but that was the theme so sorry buddy. No one has much nice to say about Chunk’s work today. They are mortified that he called something a collection just cuz he used one color. Nina thinks he needs more practice. Kors says all his best clothes are simple and he doesn’t wanna see the rest if it’s all gonna be trying too hard. Heidi groans when they get to Trandy. Nina makes fun of the bikini, but she likes that he’s trying to bring in some drama. Kors calls his work today disastrous except for the green dress. They all agree.

The designers are brought back out and….Mondo’s in! Wretchen…..’s in! Oh no I think Trandy’s about to get cut!!! NOOOOO! He’ll at least be interesting to watch! Chunk’s got one color?!? Fingers crossed. Never mind! Trandy’s in! Chunk’s outta there! Aw. He sobs.

LOL Wait! No tears! Come on, Nancy! Come up with some salties!

He squeezes super hard, but can’t do it. HAHAHAHA.

Still nothing.

Cleanup on aisle runway. Take your time. We don’t have any other plans today. Seriously. You guys wanna play cards? I wish we had enough money to hire security.

I’m not moving til I cry for realz. Think about war and famine.

Stupid war never works. Boobies.

Boobs are horrifying but not sad. Maybe dying puppies?

GTFO of here before we have you arrested.

He mopes off stage trying to cry while whimpering like a dog with its tail caught in a car door. When he goes to the holding tank, be pushes his eyeballs in with his hands, trying to drum up some real tears. Nothing. So he turns to the wall, punches it (like a girl), and then fake sobs really loudly. HAHAH. What is he doing?!?! He looks ridonky. Why would he do that on purpose you guys? Wretch tries to help by giving him the heimlich, but he still can’t cry. So instead, he does the end of Steel Magnolias.

Maybe this wall can make tears come out.

This is past the point of uncomfortable. Chunk is just acting plain wrong. Grow the fuck up, dude! He whines about his dreams being crushed, but why is the only plan you have for success in life involve winning a fucking reality show? Go to community college or something. Wretch tries to butt rape him into calmness.

You want somethin to cry about? I’ll give you somethin to cry about!

You gotta hand it to him, though. He keeps trying. But that well just won’t give.

You’re worse at crying than you are at sewing. And that’s a real achievement.

He squeals that he just wanted to make it so bad to make his parents proud. You know what makes parents proud? Watching their sons fake sob like five year old girls who didn’t sell enough cookies to win a badge on NATIONAL TV.

Now his parents are gonna say that didn’t work out so come home and get married again and he just can’t do that! Ah. He was married and that’s where the kid came from. Why Chunk never produced testosterone, though, is never explained. This guy is fucking ridonk. Chaz is gonna break up with his pansy ass after he sees this.

Tim comes in and watches him fake cry for awhile. Then he hugs him and tells him to reach way down in his pants and try his best to find a pair. Chunk wails and sobs and dude doesn’t have one tear. Wretch says she’s worried for Chunk and his family should be nicer. Still? NOT CRYING. This is painful to watch. Tim can’t take it anymore, so finally he whispers something in Chunk’s ear that makes him produce some actual tears.

Tim: They’ve discontinued the Double Down!

That was the funniest breakdown in reality history, that I’m aware of. Damn I loved it! Nothing makes me feel manlier than watching dudes cry on TV. Did you guys agree with Chunk’s aufing? And even if not, wasn’t it worth it to see him re-enact the end of Steel Magnolias? And how the hell is Trandy safe after sending out a bikini? See you next week for the finale!! xo