Project Runway: Doze Boobz Ees Twouble

Previously on Project Runway: evil Jersey Chore yelled at poor defenseless Matlock and crossed his eyes and spit venom and stuff,

…poor innocent defenseless sweet old guy Matlock was devastated,

….and oh yeah. All these designers suck bawls.

Literally.

We open today with Jersey Chore begrudgingly congratulating Doughy Christian on getting to the top 9 even though he’s really bad. Like way super terribly bad. He makes Alexis Bellino look like a master at her craft, or as she would probably spell it, her Kraft. He’s depressed about it. Not about being terrible, but about not winning a challenge yet. It’s a mystery to me. If anyone’s got winner written all over their face, it’s this guy.

Jersey Chore says he’s in a better place today, which I guess means he won’t be yelling at any senior citizens. Booooo! I want you in a bad place! At least he’s still wearing eight pounds of makeup, Big Bob’s Burgers hair, and terrible clothes. Don’t believe that he’s ok? Let him prove it to you by doing some jazz hands.

I wish I was in Heaven right now to see Bob Fosse bang his head against a wall.

Over in the girl’s apartment, Bimbo sarcastically says that everyone like totally misses Martha Plumpton Becky. She’s a rude bitch. She adds that the three girls left like totally deserve to be there. I hope she gets her ass booted today. Or run over, but that seems less likely.

I never thought I would describe rain as being homely, but here I am.

Fat Bitch Heidi comes out looking like she swallowed Martha Plumpton before the poor lady could get on the bus home.

There will be no anorexic models today! YAY! A real person challenge! I hope this is a Secretary Day challenge. Or a get your maid ready for the boat ride home challenge. Or a Weight Watchers challenge. They have to be plugging something. A bunch of normal dudes walk out onto the runway, and Nutless’ invisible nuts invisibly clench. He doesn’t do menswear, ok? He’s made stuff for himself, but he dresses like a homeless thirteen year old girl so that doesn’t count. Jersey Chore is designing a tiny boner in his pants.

He’s dressed like a gay snake and ready to swallow the first fool to cross his path.

Because it’s Project Runway tradition, let’s watch the designers trash chunky normal people! Joshua isn’t afraid of doing menswear, he is just afraid of fatsos. Bimbo wouldn’t mind working with some of them, but others….

Poor guy sobbed when The Shield ended. The era of “Bald Stocky Guys Are Hot” ended that day. Sad chunky bald horns.

There will be no more immunity after today, and I’m thrilled that a Normal Person will bring one of these jerks down. I hope it’s you, Deadwood!

Thouest are mean cocksuckers.

The designers get to pick their dudes, and they, of course, go from thinnest and hottest to largest and homeliest. Dollivier is mad that he’s stuck with all the fat guys. HAHAH. You guys, I know I’m horrible, but these people make me look like a sweetheart. Tim meets them back in the workroom for the twist. They won’t be designing for the men. Everyone hoots and hollers, thinking that means they get to design for skinny bitches, after all. Nope! They’ll be designing for Real Dudes’ girlfriends! Ruhroh. No one sees the danger here, because most of these people live in NY or LA, where fat dudes date hot skinny bimbos all the time. Do a little traveling, you guys. Birds of feather waddle their fat asses around malls together. SUCKAS!

They won’t get to meet the women until later. For now, all they will have is the boyfriends’ input and a chart with sizes. Matlock is the only one sensing disaster. He may not know how to keep his friends from getting falsely accused of murder, but he knows that straight guys are dumbasses who don’t pay attention to their women. And he’s right. These guys have no clue what to suggest. Matlock’s is the funniest. He says his girl is “a hot piece of tushy” and as long as Matlock showcases her giant jugs, he’ll win. LOL. Matlock knows all about using giant tits to get ahead. He didn’t get here because of his sparkling personality.

Yeah I’ve already worked those. Anything else?

Jersey Chore’s dude says his girl just likes simple stuff, which is worrisome. The only thing simple about Jersey is his mind, and that’s only because he hasn’t learned to open his skull to be bedazzle his tiny slimy evil little bile covered brain.

Doughy Christian’s dude wants cutesy, elegant, like maybe a little girly. You know what I mean?

Uhhhhhh……So a tight mini skirt with long sleeves that drape to the ground?

No, Christian! You’re talented! Remember when you made that feather dress thing that Posh Spice liked?

Who? I don’t like spices. They give me rashes.

No man. I’m sure you’re the guy I’m thinking of. Remember how you always did your hair like a lesbian in the eighties?

I think you’re thinking of someone else. I will make something super tacky and “Orange County Housewife married to a rich fat ugly guy”. That cool?

Fine. You’re not Christian Sirrianno. And I’m not Flip Wilson.

Doughy’s guy wants pink. Doughy says that pink’s not his thing. Even though he’s wearing? Pink. Jesus. The guy is just trying to give you an answer you’ll be happy with him so you will stop staring at him all dead eyed and shit.

Bimbo’s guy wants her to make something for someone just like her. Only taller. And hotter. And with bigger tits. And less rude. And hotter. And maybe with elbow skin that doesn’t droop so much. And with better knees. And hotter.

I can’t believe he said that about my elbows.

Dollivier the Beigeian is horrified that his dude has a girlfriend with giant bazooms. He says that he would feel more comfortable with women if they didn’t have those obnoxious boobies. What are boobies? Fat.

At mood, the straight guys are hilarious. The Shield says that the fabric Jersey Chore wants it “Death at a funeral.” That’s like, double sad. Bimbo’s guy hates the colors she chooses and warns her that if she makes his girlfriend look like an old lady she’ll kill him. At a funeral, probably. At the register, Dollivier tries to get help understanding what double D’s are. Tim’s like…um… a giant baby lunch? How the fuck should I know? The cashier explains that double Ds mean giant boobies. Dollivier hates boobies, and says flat out “Dose boobzees twouble.” HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!

Back at the workroom, Himberly explains why they use tape on the dress forms. Who the fuck cares? If you’re not gonna explain where you are in your transgender journey, I couldn’t give less of a poo. Let’s go see Matlock, who’s dude is still blabbing on about how great his girlfriend’s tits are. He fell in love with her the second he saw her with a low cut top that showed off her rack. Tits. Boobs. Jugs. Bazooms. The dude goes on about how he likes to motorboat the tits. LOL! HAHAHAHAH!!!! Ah, ladies. Quit therapy, dieting, college, and church. Just. Get. Tits.

Dollivier’s dude hates what the doll is making. He literally takes the fabric and throws it down. HAHAH. Maybe it’s just too colorful?

Poor doll. If God liked him more, he might have been stuck with Bimbo’s model:

The girlfriends/wives come in, and Bimbo is shocked that The Shield got a hottie like her. Aw, Bimbo, still dreaming a hot guy (who doesn’t like penis) will ever love her. Sugar, it’s called settling. The sooner you get used to it, the sooner you’ll get a house and a car.

Matlock’s douche’s girl is not loving the tit showcase, and nothing she wears in either shots we see her in showcase her milk trucks.

Douche isn’t happy when his wife shows up to foil his plans of putting her baby feeding machines on display, and it’s super cute. She knows she’s married to an idiot. This one tiny piece of knowledge will make any marriage happy: Men are morons. Don’t ever listen to them. The End. Have a happy life!

Miss Trinidad is making a silk kimono dress, and it wouldn’t be a Miss Trinidad piece without the bs opener: “I no know how sewy! Sewy haaad! Seelk makey seeewy haaad! Suckyfuckyfivedollasseweenhaaad”. Yeah yeah. You can’t fucking sew like you can’t eat muff.

I makey fall down on yo jayjay! I geeve you five dolla!

Nutless’ dude, Deadwood, has described a dress of his girlfriend’s that he lost in an airport (?!), and when she tries it on, she says it reminds her of the dress her husband lost in the airport (?!?). Don’t leave your men in charge of stuff. Deadwood is the only guy so far who seems to know how to describe what his wife likes. Which makes me worry that he has a leather habit.

Your husband is what we call “a gay leather bear.” Sorry! At least Tim will get something out of this episode.

Not everyone is having so much luck. Jersey Chore is trying to glue gun metal and glitter to his “simple” dress, but the biatch won’t even accept something she wouldn’t get to wear a bra in. And she has tiny mosquito titties. Karma is real, y’all! And she’s not tacky! YAAAYYYYY! Down with Jersey Chore!

Dollivier’s having a hell of a time. Turns out his woman’s not taking any of his beige bullshit. She wants giant bell sleeves! HAHAH! He says in thirteen different accents that that look is tacky and old, and she suggests a Gucci knockoff. He doesn’t have tear ducts, so he doesn’t cry. His big plan is just to drape her stupid ass in beige until all the personality is drained from her and she’ll stop talking. She’s not happy. Dollivier may regret some of the choices he’s made in his life, but I’d imagine that right now, choosing cock isn’t one of them.

At the end of the consultations, Doughy Christian is sad and on the verge of flour tears. Not because he’s a terrible designer, but because seeing such a happy couple has made him miss his boyfriend. It’s so nice coming home after a hard day to the only person on the planet who doesn’t look at him like “WTF is wrong with your lip?” Love means never having to say “It’s not herpes, it’s a lifestyle.” The other designers (Trinidad, Jersey, and Nutless) suspect he’s crying cuz he is the least talented, and they’re probably right.

Doughy Christian wants to make his entire dress out of his dyed hot pink fabric, and Icktor says it makes him want to take a shit. I think that means that Pepto isn’t doing its job. Pepto is supposed to make you not wanna shit, right? This show and its deep questions. Doughy’s Real Person loves the color, but he’s been told by so many people that it’s hideous that he is waffling on using it. Grow a pair. Just not too big, or Nutless will cry. Again.

Biegian’s Real Person is giving him a lot of shit over her beige monstrosity, and he tells us that is idea of a dream job is when people just give him money and keep their stupid mouths shut. Well, if you’re gonna be a real boy, you’re gonna have to just deal. I don’t understand why dolls would want to be real people in the first place. You have a cushy life lying around watching TV and never pooping or burping or getting boogars or stretch marks. Pinnochio was a spoiled little bitch. He’s probably selling his ass for food stamps now and wishing he’d never wished anything in the first place.

Tim comes in to check on progress, starting with Icktor. He’s thrilled that Ick’s made something his hipster chick could have picked up out of a Silverlake dumpster. What a…compliment.

Dramatic music starts playing when Tim gets to Miss Trinidad. He’s not psyched about her work, and Icktor says it looks like crappy inept student work. Wow. You just got a compliment. Can you just stay quiet and dead looking in your corner over there and leave my internet hooch be? TY! Matlock has turned his Real Person into the spitting image of Gail Simmons. Now don’t get me wrong. Gail is great at what she does. I order eggs for brunch every weekend just so I can snivel “BURNT CHARRED RUBBERY!” at whatever poor waiter gets stuck at my table, but she’s not known for wearing cute outfits that fit her. Like, EVER.

Tim has an issue with the boobs being all over the place, and Bimbo says his work is “disgusting” and “sick”. I told you she would be a horrible person. Beigeian’s model bitches to Tim about her hatred of Doll’s look the second he walks up. HAHAH! Real People suck. Tim is nice about it, but tells the Doll to take the lead out. Bimbo is told her look is too Barbie and she’s like um what’syourpointyaoldfartleavemebkthnxbye. Tim thinks Nutless is going too Minnie Mouse, and being the kiss ass that he is, Nutless nods and agrees like that’s what he was going for the whole time. Jersey Chore has made a simple whore’s funeral dress, and Tim congratulates his Real Person on getting stuck with Jersey and not coming out looking like a parade float. HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!

She likes the dress ok, but she was shocked that Tim had nothing to say about it. She was even more shocked when he said she would only need a bra if her tits were flabbier. God I love Tim Gunn so hard. Doughy has decided to add some beige to his pink dress, but when Tim compliments how good his Real Person looks in pink, Doughy starts wondering if he should change it. Ugh just go home already. You’re a waste of space. And wipe your fucking lip.

Tim leaves, and Nutless comes up to Doughy again and says he shouldn’t use the pink. Doughy, being the flour brained idiot that he is, loses even more confidence and decides to scrap his whole idea. Icktor and Jersey are in the back talking shit about how terrible Beigeian’s work is, and he seems to agree. He’s so pissed that he’s gone from using ten different accents to ten different symbols.

I think he just said MooGoo Gai Pan in German.

The next morning, Jersey Chore shows up looking like a gay matador that got gored.

The Real Women come in for fittings, and Beigeian’s model is up his ass about her ugly pants being up her ass. His work is pretty terrible today, and she has no problem saying it. Her pussy husband just repeats what she says like Dollivier is too dumb to understand it coming out of his bitch wife’s mouth. They are relentlessly terrible, so it’s pretty fun that she looks terrible too. Dollivier is over having all this human’s opinion spewed all over him and longs for the days when models were anorexic girls who were force fed bark if they spoke. He takes bitch wife behind a screen and tells her he’s sorry he sucks but he’s fighting for his life so he would appreciate it if…she cuts him off and tries to press one for English. Poor Beigeian would be a little more successful if he would just pick an identity and stick with it. He sounds like Sybil after a cruise around the world.

Nutless is yammering on about something, but I can’t hear him because of that thing on his head. It looks like someone threw a brick at him and he pulled some Beigeian material to use as a bandage.

I would suggest seeing a doctor, but insurance won’t cover head wounds for people with fauxhawks. You kinda deserve what you get.

Bimbo is pretty sure that Himberly will be in the bottom, but she’ll def be safe because Doughy has scrapped his original mediocre idea for a new terrible idea. He’s lost all the beige and made a hot pink manicurist uniform. Byeeeeeeeee! Hair and makeup time! See you after I smoke a lot. When I come back, Tim is giving the Beigeian shit for not having his girl in hair and makeup yet. HAHA.

Tim comes in to surprise the real women with free tupperware from GLAD, and they’re like um thanks. Dollivier is cursing a lot, and I can’t stop laughing. He does it in the same monotone “I’m slipping into a coma” voice that he uses when he’s excited or sad or sleeping. The best part of this segment is Tim’s “Time to change the anal beads” face.

Runway time!! Fat Bitch Heidi comes out looking like she just lost thirty pounds and then ate seventy. God bless her fat heart. Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!

Hi Nina!

Hi random Actress who’s probably blown the Weinstein brothers cuz I’ve never heard of you!

I hope you wrapped it. Those studs have been around, girl.

Bimbo is out first, and her dress sticks to the Lawrence Welk style she’s addicted to. Hating old people doesn’t mean you hate designing clothes for them, apparently.

Nutless has made a hideous Little Orphan Annie Grows Up and Tries out for the Cheer Team Dress. Fug.

No wonder you were put up for adoption.

Matlock’s work looks as bad as when we saw it for the first time. He’s made Gail Simmons a bit sluttier, but also pregnant. Not good.

Jersey’s Whore’s Funeral Dress turned out cute. No fair, since he had the closest thing to a real model. Also, this is boring and has been done a trillion times. Do you know how many whores have had funerals over the course of history? Me neither, but I hope a lot. Otherwise, it would mean that they’re just buried in sad wooden boxes and put in unmarked graves. I have no idea why, but I’m hoping I know a whore who dies so I can give her a proper funeral. Thanks for loaning me some compassion, Jersey Chore!

I’m sure Jesus is proud that he died on the cross only to end up getting smothered by your hairy man tits.

Doughy Christian’s model is adorable, but you wouldn’t know it. Giant pockets on the the lower hips? WHY? Don’t you think giving pedicures all day sucks enough without looking like a cow while doing it?

All I think when I see this is “this chick can help me with my bunions.”

Himberly’s blouse is perty, but that skirt. It’s just….very very wrong.

Beigian’s ole bitch wife is in waiter pants and a top that’s….beige. Do you remember when this show made people create dresses out of flowers and potting soil and they were AWESOME? For a show that makes sure to squeeze in the phrase “Project Runway History!” every week, they seem to have forgotten most of it. There are billions of people in the world. At least some of them have to have some talent and a desire to be on TV. I’m sorry to type so much, but it’s easier than watching.

Let’s all look away together.

All we’ve heard is negative stuff about Miss Trinidad’s work, but it’s fucking genius compared to the tripe we’ve seen so far. Pretty, interesting, and it fits her real woman well.

Icktor’s Hipster Thrift Store Dress is cute, in a used up you’re too old to be a hipster comb your hair and turn down the fucking Pearl Jam/Elvis Costello mashup kinda way.

Himberly, Dollivier, and Bimbo are safe! Doll has a deal with the beige devil. The rest are kept on the runway. Nutless had the worst of the bunch by far, but he’ll stay. Maybe at least he’ll cry. Fingers crossed!

Miss Trinidad, Icktor and Jersey Chore had the highest scores. Wow. Jersey’s been done a million times dress is in the top? That says a lot about this lame ass group.The losers go back to the greenroom to talk shit, and Doughy Christian gives his long and detailed critique. Um, your work was terrible AGAIN and you’re dressed like a sad pasty English brat being sent away to boarding school by boat on a windy day. Please shut your face until you get something right. Like, anything.

Matlock disses Miss Trinidad’s dress, saying she looked like she was going for a job at the TikiTiki lounge. LOL!! He’s such a bitch. I love when he gets sassy and his wattle jiggles. But I hate the boner it gives me cuz my wiener gets burned on the bottom of my laptop. Stop torturing my wiener with your wattle, Matlock!! Meanwhile, Beigeian is sitting there in his beige sweater with his beige skin and beige hair against a beige wall sucking on his beige fingers with his beige mouth. Beige.

Miss Trinidad’s model is freaking gorgeous up close. Really pretty. And her dress looks fantastic on her. I’m not even being sarcastic you guys. Cute figure.

Hey wait. Jersey Chore’s dress, though boring and overdone, looks really good on his pretty, thin model too! OMG! You’re not gonna believe this, but Icktor’s model is really pretty and skinny too! What a coincidence! All the top outfits are on skinny people! THAT NEVER HAPPENS!! I hope Heidi swallows them all whole as a snack. Have you guys heard that here in California, ugly/chunky/normal people are fighting for equal employment rights? I’m kinda seeing their point. I would probably be Governor by now if I didn’t have a stomach loose enough to make puppet shows with. I’m calling a lawyer.

Yo, Juan Dominguez. Let’s sue some people. I’ll treat you to some Quizno’s after and do Sally Field’s monologue from “Not Without My Daughter” using only my stomach.

Miss Trinidad’s dress is an African/Japanese influenced kimono cuz her Real Woman is an architect. I don’t know what that means, really, but I don’t need to. Her boyfriend can’t stop staring at her tits. Success!

Kors gives it mad props, as he should. Fat Bitch Heidi burps and says she loves it because she hasn’t seen it ten times. Sad that that even has to be said on a show about creativity, but I couldn’t agree more. Random Actress that probably blew Harvey Weinstein gives a great, articulate critique. I don’t like typing great, articulate stuff down though so you’ll just have to trust me. Nina doesn’t like the sleeve, but Real Person says that she was the one who wanted it. Nina almost argues, but you have to listen to the customer. Stumped! Some poor innocent baby is gonna pay for that later.

The judges all love Jersey Chore’s dress. Simple, well made, classic, and Real Woman is thrilled with it. I was hoping at least Kors would ask Real Woman why a sweet girl with a fun smile wants to look like Bree VanDeKamp on purpose, but he doesn’t.

Heidi congratulates him on not whipping out the bedazzler, and he congratulates himself on them congratulating him. He’s really going for the I’m Not The Villain It’s Just In The Editing (Dead Mom) act tonight. He gives an after school special speech about the lessons learned from taking a day off from glue guns and plastic jewelry. He’s showing his teeth a lot, too. If he can’t win these fuckers over with words, he’ll blind their asses.

Kors and Nina take away a couple points from Icktor for over-accessorizing, but love the fun and creativity of his dress. I do too. He gives me the Icks, but he did a really good job on this one. And you know it’s perfect for the Real Woman, cuz she and her husband are two peas in a kitschy little pod. They’re the neighbors you like cuz they always have weed but you also kinda hate cuz mooching off of them means you have to sit at their weird fifties style apartment for an hour listening to vinyl records and diatribes about how unrealistic Mad Men is.

The designers go back to the greenroom, and Jersey Chore tells the safe people that he was psyched to hear their names. Especially Dollivier, because his odd stance on beige lived another day even though the doll was freaking out. Dollivier shit symbols out of his mouth earlier, but otherwise he was as lobotomized and vacant as usual. Why is Jersey so shocked at Doll’s ability to stay calm under pressure? The Beigeian is sitting next to a grown man in makeup, a see through teenage girl’s shirt with hairy ass man boobs dripping all over the place and he’s not running around screaming and bashing his own head into the wall. I’d say Dollivier can handle just about anything.

You’ve managed to make beige an actual personality trait. Well played.

The Judges start with Matlock. He says that the only thing the Dude asked for was to showcase the Real Woman’s rack, and the judges crack up. Kors says that as usual, it’s beautifully made but can be seen in a million stores. But the dress they called “the classic little black dress” can’t be seen in a million stores? Or is it because the model in the little black dress was skinny? Tell the truth! I think Spanx could have really helped Matlock on this challenge. And with life in general.

Actress says the same stuff Kors did, and Nina repeats it again, and Klum agrees. Real Woman really loves it, so they make her face the wall and write “I’m a tacky bitch” until they tell her she can stop. Doughy Christian is up next. Nina says “here’s the thing I don’t like…” and then she names like a hundred things. Doughy meekly agrees. What a wuss. Come on, man! It’s no fun to beat a wimp when they don’t try to fight back! Kors says the pockets are for hoarders who want to take all their junk with them everywhere. LOL.

Nutless is very serious right now you guys, and very intelligent.

Derdeedlerdeedlerdeelerdeee

Actress is reminded of her cheerleader uniform when she looks at Nutless’ terrible work. HAHA. And of course you were a cheerleader.

Why should the gay guys be the only ragingly offensive stereotypes?

Fat Bitch Heidi readjusts her stomach on her knees and says that the dress looks like it’s for an eighty year old that looks like every other eighty year old. So not only is your work for an old lady, it’s for a really lame old lady. HAHAHAHAHAH. Why are so many fat people funny?
Real Woman says she likes retro, and Heidi’s like umz noz youzez look like fatsez cowsezmkaygermanditygermantimes. Kors calls the look Superhero Ice Skater. Then he throws his pen at Real Woman and calls her old lady until she cries and runs off stage. Nutless tries to stick up for himself, but Heidi shuts him down.

Judge’s Alone Time: Matlock’s boring but his crazy client liked it. Doughy Christian’s dress was downright homely. Kors yells that you could fit a dog in one of those pockets and the dress looked like it was made out of a handi wipe. Yowza. Don’t dis Handi Wipes. At least they’re useful. Nutless’ dress was too old lady ex child star.

On the Top: Jersey didn’t bedazzle his dress so he should get an Academy Award. Nina compliments his ability to showcase his model’s beautiful body. Um, yeah. Cuz she has an awesome body. I call BS! AGAIN! Fat people unite!! This is total bullshit. First they have the challenge where the team captains get to be the people in the best shape, and now all the skinny bitches are winning cuz they’re skinny. NO FAIR.

No one has a bad thing to say about Miss Trinidad’s beautiful, unique dress. They also give Icktor credit for his cool retro separates, but Kors says that the husband was the most fashion conscious and probably controlled the whole design. Snapple: Guys Who Look Kinda Dead Can’t Catch a Break Flavor. Trinidad should take this one. And……..she doesn’t!! NOOOOOO!!! JERSEY CHORE!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! For that hacky boring been done a zillion times poo?!?! COME OOON!

He cries and flips and boasts that he’s the first one to win twice and I slap myself multiple times ouch. Matlock is safe, but Heidi tells him he needs to grow a personality at some point. The loser is…………..Doughy Christian!! Big Shocker. He says he’s glad that he at least took a risk. Being that bad is kinda brave, in a way. Jersey Chore hugs him and squeals “Who’s gonna make my cooooffeeeee?!?” HAHAHAH! What. A. Bitch. Doughy dribbles words out and says that he’s gonna lock himself in his bedroom and listen to GaGa until he’s a good designer. Or until his brains bleed out his ear. That’s gonna be a long stint in solitary, God bless him.

Next week, menswear! Jersey Shore makes penis jokes! I peel off the scabs of the cuts I made on my forehead while banging my head on the desk tonight! See you then! xo