Previously, Tim rolled his head and snapped his fingers in circles and told Wretch off in words I don’t understand cuz I didn’t go to college.
Thufferin thuccitash mothatruckas!
Also, this happened:
We open tonight with Knit Michael girl whining about his accommodations.
“You think this is hard? Try living with Hepatitis! THAT’S hard!”-Sue Sylvester
Mondo asks Passanova if he feels like a winner. Stop talking to him so he can iron his head. Otherwise he’s gonna show up to the runway looking like he’s wearing a Sharpei Puppy hat.
I don’t think Passy understood the question, cuz he goes on and on about what it’s like being a wiener. He’s just glad that his wiener has immunity. Someone needs to explain that he hasn’t been given an immune wiener or he’s gonna be barebacking half the town by sundown.
Over at the girls’ place, Peach and April talk about how terrible Chunky Michael is while Peach caulks her eyes and sands her wattle.
Has anyone seen my concrete mixer?
Chunky Mike tells us that he doesn’t know who his friends are anymore.
A: No one but the stale ass Doritos on the crafts services table. Sad horns.
He whines to Trandy about everyone hating him. Clips of everyone hating him. Wretch wakes up miserable too. Clip of Tim telling her off. She insists that she’s not manipulative and talks in baby voice so we’ll believe her. Cuz babies aren’t manipulative at all.
Oh wah. Get a fucking job you needy tadpole. My boobs aren’t a buffet.
Hivy is, of course, now totally against Wretch. In a whispery way of course. She’s already died once on this show.
Mother of God! She’s aliiiiiive!
Fat Bitch comes out wearing glitter, which makes her look like a giant disco ball. Fat people? Shouldn’t wear glitter.
Hey Heidi, try eating fingernails for lunch. You’re embarrassing yourself.
Speaking of fat bitches dressed horribly, today is a real person ie: fat challenge!! YAAAAYYY!!! It’s so distressing that Trandy goes into cover the crater mode.
You know the heifers are just as horrified at the site of her, but they have MANNERS.
He insists he’s just horrified because of the hideous dresses they’re wearing, and he’s not wrong on that. This line pretty much sums up why no woman is happy when she finds out one of her bffs is getting married.
If you really love me, you’ll be uglier than me on my big day. Now give me five hundred dollars, throw me a party and shut your piehole.
The challenge is to turn the dresses into something the girls would want to wear again. The bridesmaids are pretty funny about how hideous their dresses are. Non Zombie Asian says “if you’ll notice, I have a giant bow on my chest.” This makes Hivy hungry. Poor Non Zombie will be lucky to make it out of here alive.
Passy gets to pick first, so he takes the skinniest one. The next skinniest one goes next, and so on. These people are shameless. Poor big girls! Mondo gets tricked though. He picks a thinnish girl with a creme stripe down her butt. Like that’s gonna stop him from making this entire dress into a jester unitard with a hipster jacket and plastic sunglasses.
You’ll never guess who the last to be picked is.
Just like dodgeball. And softball. And basketball. And Scrabble. That’s not even a team sport! Where’s the pantry in this dump?
Ah well, it all evens out. The big girl is always picked first by gay dudes when it’s time to go out and drink and make fun of people. How many times in his life do you think Mondo has been asked to leave Forever 21?
Sir, this is a Christian establishment. Put the leggings down and back away slowly.
Tim comes in to make fun of the dresses and tell them they can only use up to two yards of additional fabric. Since the tell off, everyone’s super kiss assy today. Trandy even goes as far as doing his nasty tranny dance he uses to pay the bills on Santa Monica Blvd.
Christopher’s model got skerd and quit, so he’s given a new one. Another regular person with a fug dress. This one, luckily, is thin. You can tell even before you see her cuz of his face:
The problem with skinny bitches is…well, a problem with skinny bitches is, they don’t use their mouths for eating. They use them for TALKING. April chose a stick and now has to listen to her prattle on about her ideas. Hey. I’ve got an idea. Eat. Comb your hair. Buy a sweater. I don’t care what you do. Just STFU. April’s gonna make you a very absorbent pair of diapers and you’re gonna like em!
So I was thinking the pleats could be the inner lining in case you laugh so hard you pee at a cocktail party. No? Um…ok. How bout in case you laugh so hard you pee at a company picnic. No? A baseball game? No? DAMN THIS IS HARD.
Chunky Mike promises his real model sophistication. And who wouldn’t believe him? Just look at him.
Peach takes her sketch time to teach her model how to walk. Unfortunately, she put too much mortar on her neck this morning and her head almost falls off.
Do everything but that part.
Knit Mike says that when you have to make clothes for a fat chick lots of stuff goes wrong. His sketch is just a big circle.
Let’s go to Mood! Everyone starts to leave, but Knit Mike just stares at his giant dress form and complains about calories and stuff. When he gets to Mood, he decides that the best plan of action is to hide his model so no one sees her lumbering down the runway. He’ll buy upholstery fabric! You don’t think Nina will have a problem saying a couch looks fat? You got another thing coming, buddy.
Back at the workroom, he tells Wretch that he loves his models chunkiness and just wants her to feel good about herself when she’s put in the greenroom for people to sit on. Wretch quietly agrees and doesn’t manipulate him at all. Chunky Mike is trying to figure how to make this ugly bridesmaids dress even uglier, and Passy pats him way too hard and yells “see? Jew ees so taylandad!” How does being complimented by Passy feel, Chunk?
Trandy and Other Asian (Or Other Puerto Rican. Damn interbreeding I just can’t tell anymore) Valerie talk about how they want to like Chunk but they just can’t respect him as a designer. Ok Valerie makes the same thing every week and Trandy has his tiny nuts taped into his butt crack. Raise of hands for how many of you respect their hack asses? I’m waiting. No one. See?
The editors have started tricking us with the Sidekick of Doom calls to home. First they changed the phone to a Droid something instead of a Sidekick. Then they changed it so the person who calls home doesn’t get sent packing. And now they’re getting rid of the phone altogether so we can see the satanic woman that dropped out Wretchen.
Honey have you made anyone hate you today? Good girl!
Wretch wahs about how life is more than fashion and she wants to go home where she can wear her bikini tops and split ends in peace. Her mom tells her to grow a pair, go to the dressing room, put on a full face of whore makeup, and give everyone who doesn’t ask for it her opinion.
I raised you to be frigid and obnoxious so I’ll have someone to take care of me when I’m old. Don’t let me down, you dry ended hippie!
Christopher tells us that his heart broke for Wretch when Tim told her off cuz she doesn’t have a malicious bone in her body. Controlling bones? Malnourished hippie bones? Fake cry throw fat people under the bus bones? Yes. But otherwise she’s super sweet. Tim comes in and Wretch puts on her pasty hurt frowny face.
Pasty hurt frowny face.
Tim answers with his “I drank too much and got plowed by a busboy and want to pretend no one saw me” face.
I drank too much and got plowed by a busboy and want to pretend no one saw me face.
She answers with the “I’m just gonna imitate your face and stay quiet so you don’t go all Wendy Williams on me again” face.
I’m just gonna imitate your face and stay quiet so you don’t go all Wendy Williams on me again face.
He says that her umbre effect is great but the whole piece is too athletic. She says that his critique set off firecrackers of knowledge off in her head, and he says he’s here to help cuz he feels so close to them all. WTF? Hit her! He walks away gargling salt and garlic water. She tells us that a scar can turn into an open wound if you don’t let it heal. And an a-hole can turn into an absolute gash if you don’t tell it off. Aw, learning!
Chunky Mike is next. His model wanted a lace top and velvet side panels. Tim shudders and tells him the whole thing is terrible.
The “I Promised Myself I Wouldn’t Swallow” face.
Do you guys wanna know what Zombie Hivy has to say about Chunk’s work? Me neither. FF. Knit tells Tim that he wanted to change the shape but he didn’t know how to cover all this….he almost said fat heifer slut cake biatch but stopped himself. Tim says it’s an honor to make someone who’s not a size zero feel pretty and Knit asks if he can just send her a nice card attached to a box of Twinkies instead. He hasn’t done anything to the dress but add some couch fabric to the boob area. Well he says it’s upholstery. It looks like a window screen. He’s in troubs.
Mondo’s doing a pretty badass Pink Ladies dress which of course Tim loves. He says he sings “Summer Lovin” to his hairbrush every night before he masturbates and goes to bed. Mondo’s like “um………” Peach complains that she doesn’t like her pattern. What’s not to like? It’s Laura Ashley flower old lady couch print. My ass you don’t like it. Maybe if it was like bright orange or something.
Hivy tells Tim that her model wants to show off everything, and he says she should just make her a thong. Hivy laughs twitchily and then continues sketching while chowing down on GayJ’s calf. Tim hands her a paper towel and moves on. He loves what Passy’s doing! Kiss of death. I think he’s just being nice cuz he heard Passy’s got an immune wiener and let’s face it: Tim Gunn is a dirty whore these days.
Tim takes one look at Trandy’s tranny hooker dress and coos “that’s something I’d go clubbing in.” Keep it in your pants, Gunn. Gay children watch this show.
Other Asian is making a pink cheerleading uniform.
Tim says it’s as far away as fashion as you can get. Hee. Tim tells her to just get it presentable enough to not go home. Has he ever given that advice? Congrats on bringing Tim to a new low, OAV! Tim has a surprise! Instead of a runway show there will be a designer showcase with a hundred attendees that will vote on their faves. YAAAAY! Valerie is super afraid of “regular people”, and who can blame her?
I don’t mean you, sweetie.
On a sidenote, you know how gay guys start dressing a certain way and then a couple years straight guys steal our moves? Well, that’s happening in reverse. I blame straight guys for these shirts.
Reason #437 not to trust straight guys.
And I blame Native Americans for this look.
Reason #589 not to trust Native Americans.
Reason #984 for big girls not to trust Knit Michael.
April’s twig tries giving her more direction so April punches her in the face. Man things are getting real this season. Chunky Mike has done a pretty good job from the looks of it, but his model is insisting on the lace sleeves. I told you the skinny ones are always a pain in the ass. Here is proof of his not sucking before he goes and possibly ruins his dress:
Peach cut her dress wrong and begs Mondo for more help. He just stares at her for a long time before agreeing.
Is your face stuccoed? It’s freaking me out.
The next morning, Wretch is being super nice and telling her roomies to believe in herself and all that crap. Then she gets as bored as we all are and says they’re fine as long as they’re against Peach cuz her work is busted and “I don’t think she even knows who she is anymore!” Well, you hated her stuff before and you hate it now so what’s your point you skank? Besides, Peach totally knows who she is. She’s an adobe house.
Peach after three hours of face renovation.
Peach knows that she will be in the bottom but there are worse than hers. April says that her model is a little c word and hates her work, but she told the girl to zip it until after the show airs. Time to get ready for the barrage of real people judges!
Knit Mike’s work is fucking hideous, but he talks her into thinking it’s better. It’s so not. It makes her even fatter. That’s just not cool. Man, Tim wasn’t kidding when he said he was bringing in real people. These people are homelier than an actual home.
I love when real people get a chance to be on reality shows cuz they’re as shitty as possible so they might be featured. Amateur Attention Whores are always good for some entertainment. I hope someone calls Wretch out on her split ends.
At the gallery, Tim says that they need to wow the guests so they’ll get their votes. Peach does it by leaning and waving people over. Everyone looks afraid. Sample lady at Costco? Probably not a good alternate career for Peach.
Come on! I’ve got grits!
Let’s check out Other Asian Valerie’s work. Before it was ugly and unflattering, and after it’s ugly and unflattering. But now the model has pac man boobs.
Val says people are being nice but no ones voting for her. Chunky Mike’s dress? I can’t tell if it’s good or if it’s hideous. That means it will probably win cuz that’s FASHION!!! I can say that it’s a zillion times better than Valerie’s dreck.
Zombie Hivy made, shocker, Banana Republic sale rack cream colored capris. UGH. She’s so fucking terrible. Same. Thing. Every. Week. How many flavors of vanilla can there possibly be? And is that top all out of new fabric? I hope she gets called out on that. She’s not getting many buttons, but mostly cuz she bit off a little girl’s ear right in the beginning and now everyone’s super uncomfortable.
Wretchen got the hottest model and made her look homeless. I hope Tim comes by and pulls her hair.
Chunk points out that Wretch’s model has side boobs. Look who’s talking.
Trandy has done the best so far. His dress is unrecognizable. We don’t get to see his model’s head, but once was enough so thanks editors!
To prove that trannies can be just as sexist as any other man, Trandy leans over to his real people and says:
Thanks for the vote, toots.
April kicked some butt on this one too. I can’t believe that’s even the same dress. Unfortunately, the model can’t pee in it, so FAIL.
I hope there’s a bathroom here or I’m screwed.
Passy’s biggest fan is a fellow Puerto Rican, “ayn node eben cuz weer from da sayme conetree!” Before a couple of weeks ago I had forgotten that Puerto Rico was in America. At least I’m not the only one. The Puerto Ricans don’t even know. Capri pants and a loose top. It’s pretty, but meh.
Knit Mike is the plain worst here so far. He’s made the term The Biggest Loser un-empowering again. One chunky lady is so offended that she punches the model in the vagina.
We only see him get one vote, and it’s from a fat chick. She only compliments him on his model. LOL. You’re not voting for fatness. Take a few laps around the building and compose yourself. Peach’s top is kinda maybe cute, but the skirt kills it. There are also these olive pockets hanging off the blouse. Oh, Peach.
A sweet gay guy tells her she doesn’t look a day over thirty five when she complains about being the oldest. She whips out some handcuffs and puts him in the trunk of her car. I don’t blame her. That guy’s a keeper.
Mondo’s Pink Lady Funeral dress is pretty cute, and he’s getting a lot of votes. For the challenge it’s pretty creative but if I ever saw someone wearing this out I would start sobbing and asking what happened to Frenchie.
Zombie Hivy is scowling at all the votes Chunk has won. He sees her and tells her to go fuck her dead ass self in the sweetest way possible.
She runs up to Valerie to tattle tale. Apparently, Chunk has been telling the real people that she’s a zombie bitch and they need to protect their body parts from her. Valerie just nods sympathetically and takes a couple steps back. Hivy’s breath still smells like that little girl’s ear.
Well he could have given you a shoe that didn’t fit. Consider your blessings.
Valerie has heard that rumor from one of the real people too. LOL! I LOVE IT!!! GO CHUNK! Hivy says it’s totally unprofessional to sabotage her and her design stands for itself. Shot of two pins in her bowl. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. Oh editors, marry me.
Now it’s time for the runway show. Ugh we have to watch this all again? Let’s play my favorite game! Which one of these people is a woman?
Let’s call it a draw.
That game was a bust, so let’s try and figure out what kind of English Hivy is speaking. “I don’t understand why he’s always trying to pick my buttons.” Wretch says he’s just trying to break her and Hivy says good luck without an axe to the brains. Chunk insists that he never said anything bad about Hivy. I don’t believe him for one second. If I did that would mean that I would be forced to like him less and that’s no fun. Hivy wants to confront him but says he’s not worth her energy. Um, really? Cuz all you’ve done is use your fabulous energy to complain about him to us for the past three or four weeks. I just think she knows that he can take a bigger bite off a person than she can and she’s a giant pussy. Either way, Chunk says that he plans on talking it out with her later. YAY!!
The designers go back to the workroom and get a chance to change stuff. NO FAIR! Tim comes in to tell them that all their real people models will get to take home GLAD products! WOWEE!! Um you guys? Trandy has Sanjaya hair.
Limited Edition Sanjaya Troll
In the sewing room, Chunk approaches Hivy and denies telling everyone she’s a zombie. He says she can talk to his model if she wants, and she blows him off. She tells us that she’ll let his character speak for itself. Character? LOL Hivy. You have child cartilage in your teeth. When he leaves, Wretch says “why did he come in here and say that in front of all of us?” Um, maybe because you guys are all talking about it behind his back you stupid twat. Knit Mike’s answer is “because he’s an idiot.” And you’re a fat person abuser. I wish Aunt Jemimah was here to beat his ass for stealing her look.
Hair and makeup time! BREAK! FF. Wretchen trying to teach her buff proud black model how to walk with attitude is…sad. It’s sad. How has she not been punched in the face yet? Mondo tells us in code that Knit Mike had to make a dress for a fat chick and no matter how ugly it is the judges will give him credit for not sending her out with a harpoon sticking out her side.
Runway time! Fat Bitch Heidi comes out in her Chicago costume.
All Dat Jass
Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!
Hi Guest Judge Cynthia Rowley!
Woah, Rowls. Step away from the plastic surgeon.
Mondo won the most votes in the gallery show! HOLLER MONDO! I can’t wait to see what little girl outfit he wears next week. Now let’s watch the show! Or not, cuz we’ve already seen everything. The best part of the runway show is when Nina covers her head as Chunk’s work walks, like it’s raining poo and she forgot an umbrella.
The only improvement I can see is on Knit Mike’s outfit, cuz he added a jacket. She takes it off and it’s back to fug. April, Hivy, Trandy, Wretchen, and Passy are safe. The rest are kept on the runway. Darn I was hoping April would get this. In the back room, the girls talk trash. Wretch rips Chunk apart and they all agree he’s in the bottom. He will probs win, just to spite those witches.
Knit is first. Rowley’s face says it all.
Kors says he took the dress from bridesmaid to bat mitzva and the dress looked better before. Nina calls it cheap. The big girl says that the dress is fun. Knit Jemimah is about to cry, but doesn’t. BOOOOOO. Kors thinks Christopher’s dress looks like two dresses put together. Rowley says it looks repurposed but beautiful. Nina likes the top half but not the short bottom. Kors compliments loves Peach’s model’s hair but that’s it. He calls the dress Holly Hobby and hates the avocado dinner napkins on the hips. She looks like she’s at the church bring a pot dinner. LOL he really hates it, and adds that she’s got an avocado goiter. He’s sure burning through a lot of bon mots for one critique. The model says she feels comfortable. LOL. Nina thinks it’s boring, weird and old. Takes one to know one, hag!
Nina loves the modern symmetry of Mondo’s work. Heidi congratulates him on getting rid of the shine, and Cynthia hates the hair but loves the dress. Kors shakes his head, speechless at Valerie’s dress. Then he says she turned the model into a nursing grandma. Cynthia thinks the backstraps are whorish, and Nina says the model looks like she’s about to feed a village and looks fat. Heidi says “I didn’t hate it as much as everyone else.” Um…thanks. Chunky Mike’s work is called edgy and hip and Heidi congratulates him on only making the model look like a hooker on the bottom part. Kors says it’s great and the styling is spot on. Cynthia appreciates that she can almost see the model’s vag. Well done!
In the back, Peach tells everyone that she was ripped apart hard. Knit Mike trembly voiced, says that he was ripped too. They sure loved Chunk though!
In alone time, the judges call Chunk’s work phenomenal and Heidi says it was so perfect because the other designers were so mean to him last week. They seem to like him the best. Christopher barely made it into the top three. Mondo did a good job but the style was “Snooki and the Flinstones”. LOL. Kors says Valerie’s dress was just wrong and Nina mouths “awful”. Rowley says it looks like a weird cartoon character. Heidi is mad that Knit Mike made his big girl look worse than before. They’re all super pissed about Peach’s work, so she’ll probs go home. Damn I was really rooting against Knit at this point. What a twat.
In the back, Chunk is still going on about how nice the judges were. HAHAH. When he leaves, Wretch is disgusted and says she doesn’t even know what she’s doing on the show if the judges like Chunk’s crap. You’re on the show because your personality is unabashedly terrible, for one. That’s always good for PR. Go Chunk go! Chunk wins! LOLOLOLOLLLLLL! Now Heidi’s just fucking with Wretchen and I love it. I don’t remember a season where there was interpersonal shit going on with the judges and the contestants. It’s amazing.
When he gets to the back room and announces that he won, Hivy snottily snaps “of course you did!” Wretch is disappointed that the judges aren’t complimenting her craftsmanship. Well your crappy attitude sure has their attention so keep it up witch. Mondo and Christopher are both safe. Other Asian Valerie is safe, so we have at least another week to guess her ethnicity. Peach and Knit are left. They get dissed some more and….Knit’s in! BOOOOO!!!!! Poor Peach! She sucked, but Knit was just shamefully terrible to the big girl and that’s a huge nono for gay guys. Also I was really looking forward to seeing the rest of Peach’s facial renovation. She’s super positive about her ouster, and Tim thanks her for teaching him how to say “you’ve got more legs than a bucket of chicken!” Ha.
On her way out, Peach congratulates herself on doing so well at her age. She’s so Sally O’Malley right now. I’ll miss you Peach!! Next week, Valerie cries and Wretchen gets yelled at again!! YAAAYYYY!! See you then.