Project Runway: Feeding the Monster

Previously on Project Runway, anorexic chicks were forced to strap themselves onto stilts for no good reason. Nina didn’t seem to get it, either.

Guys, I think you’re boring Nina.

Also, Failene made the mistake of wearing a Twister board to the judging and got her ass stomped all over by Kors as he tried to lift his leg around Tim’s giant balls to get to the blue spot.

Dangerous fashion

She was sent back to Fantastic Sam’s, and Bimbo won the challenge. Unfortunately, it’s not Wizard of Oz, so she didn’t get a brain. She did, however, get some passive aggressive “You only won cuz I let you” looks from Nutless!

We open with the girls bemoaning the loss of Failene. Ole Blue Hair Martha Plumpton tells us that the show was just too much pressure. She couldn’t handle “what this show makes you do.” She makes it sound like “Fear Factor.” She didn’t have to eat a maggot, for crying out loud. She just had to design something that didn’t suck. Don Knotts Julie says at least she got an awesome ten dollar hair cut from the girl before she left. It looks like Fail put some conditioner on that mop!!

You guys my hair is slippery.

Maybe the conditioner trend will catch on and the women on this show might actually start looking like…women!

Nah

While Cecilia, Nina’s Sister in Split ends, rambles on about how “I feeteen een here. I beelongeen here”, Jersey Chore obsesses over the Mormon Barney Rubble some more.

Doughy Christian is whining to Jersey Chore about how he’s sucked up to this point, but he sure won’t today! One thing you can count on in reality people is that they are set in their ways. Once you start down the road of suck, it’s very hard to turn back. And he won’t. Mark my words. Thankfully, Matlock Bert is here to cut the positive visualization bs and get real. He erases the ode to Mormon and replaces it with a drawing of a guy hanging. LOL!

In the final episode, we learn that Matlock was the killer all along.

Dollivier the Beigeian makes sure his doll hair is in place. The only reason I wrote that down was so I could show a pic of him. He’s the same color as the bathroom. How does anyone even see his camouflaged ass? It’s like he’s always wearing an invisibility cloak.

Icktor pops up on screen to tell us that he feels he “made a bad impact with the judges.” Huh? Is it fashionable for fashion people not to know how to speak? Jesus. Well at least he didn’t make a Mommy Dearest or Liza Minelli joke.

Bad Impact

Fat Bitch Heidi comes out on the runway wearing some macrame pot holder thing from the 70′s and like a hundred pounds of extra fat.

Please don’t feed the fat plants.

Today’s challenge is to design for someone who knows A LOT about da fashionees! And she’s super scary. And has bed head ninety percent of the time. And eats toddlers for snacks. Wow. Heidi’s clues are usually a bit more mysterious than that.

Hi, Nina!!

Doughy Chritian poos a little when she walks out, and who wouldn’t? The best thing you could design for that woman has already been done a million times by a million different designers.

Headpiece/masks are back in. Please. Just wear it.

And now for some random, unsolicited advice for Martha Plumpton. Feeling insecure about your age is a tough thing. Something that might help, though, is shaving your ears before you go on TV.

Nina wants an outfit that she can wear to work, out to events, and child napping. Giant pockets with locks on them will win, I’m calling it now. Quaker Danielle says that this should be easy for her because her style generally works for daytime and evening. There’s no reason a woman shouldn’t feel repressed and sexless no matter what time of day it is.

Nina makes a long list of stuff she doesn’t like. Voluminous clothes, colors, pleats, combs, frizzease, dogs, birthday cards, penises, cold water, turtlenecks, Bob Barker, botox, cufflinks, moms,…she goes on and on. The winner will get a Marie Claire ad that’s placed on top of cabs. Remember back in the day when they won billboards? Next year they’ll win their name graffitied on the outside of park men’s rooms. Way to up the game, PR!

They go to the workroom for their thirty minutes of sketch time and lots of inspiring pictures of Nina in her favorite outfits. Remember last season when Zombie Hivy ripped her chest open during judging? Ah, memories!

Icktor says this is “one of the best experience I will ever have.” One of the best experience Ick will never have: talkin’ good. Himberly doesn’t know what she wants to make Nina, so she starts with big hips and severe camel toe as a jumping off point.

Cold fish and Camel Toe. I can see that on a cab.

Miss Trinidad talks about how hard this challenge is gonna be. Shocker! It will be interesting to see how she turns her one look, the sleeveless blouse with a rope around the neck, into something Nina won’t vomit on. She goes with a pantsuit idea and Nina likes it, but she does mention she doubts Trinidad can actually sew it. LOLove Nina. Icktor proposes a mini skirt and a cascading neck to camo her neck folds. She worries about looking like Kors, but he gushes all over her and tells her he loves her so she goes with it.

Nina hates Doughy Christian and Jersey Chore’s ideas, which makes me love her even more. This is a tough challenge. Look at what the woman’s wearing. It’s just hideous. There’s no way in hell to know what she’s gonna think is fashionable. Bitch is showing her bra straps! HAHAH! See through top, peach sleeves, and a glitter maze to get toddlers lost and far away from meddling parents.

That is not a good look for you. The smiling, I mean.

She requests that Himberly make her a pair of pants, and maybe draw her thinner and without seal hands in the next sketch.

Nothing like calling Nina a fat fish to get yourself noticed, Him!

Nina is not loving her Sister in Split Ends’ dated Dynasty look, but she’s loving the rats nest on top of her head.

Super dramatic music plays while the camera stays on Cecilia’s slack jawed face. Hilarious. The editors are really on the ball this season. Time to go to Mood! Tim comes in to get them and warn them that Nina is bored and doesn’t want to be put in old lady clothes. Tube tops it is! Please please please.

Matlock wanders around the store really slowly and bitterly. I can’t help but love that guy. Martha Plumpton finds out that she’s using the same fabric as Nutless. There’re only ten minutes left, so she decides to keep it. Well that takes nuts. So two people are going to use cow print for Nina? Danger!

Suggest I’m a cow once, shame on you. Suggest I’m a cow twice, shame on me. For being a cow.

Nina’s Sister in Split Ends is freaking out because she’s out of money. “My brains is cooked.” LOL. Back at the workroom, Miss Trinidad is trying to believe Jersey Chore when he tells her that her brown mustard fabric looks good. Glad Chore is around to give his fucking advice to everyone again this week. UGH. You’re a grown orange man in eyeshadow. Please fix yourself before you give anyone advice. Might I suggest starting with some Noxeema? Testosterone shots? Cross eye correcting contact lenses?

He makes snide remarks about not having to work with Don Knotts again. If Don was a fat bald hairy backed Barney Rubble lookalike, her seeming lack of talent would give him a boner. Nina’s Sister in Split Ends says she loves Don Knotts because even though she’s always bungling cases and letting the bad guy go, she’s super funny, really supportive, and a true artist. AW! Seeing lesbians feel stuff is sweet. Don says that she only went to fashion school cuz she was sick of bartending, and she hated it there cuz everyone was so young and talented and thought they were so great with their ears pinned to their heads. But then she realized that she was semi talented so now she’s happy.

Nutless is starting shit, telling Jersey Chore about the great cow print robbery of 2011. Oh wah ya nutless queen! I hope Ole Blue Hair kicks is ASS on this challenge. Especially because as he bitchily accuses her of thievery behind her back, she relates the story to her friends in the break room as “challenging” and doesn’t talk shit about him while she pretends she likes salad. God bless her. There’s a reason my pudgy ass doesn’t eat in front of people: I cannot bear to pretend I like salad. I’d rather eat a pizza alone in the dark and be happily depressed.

I just can’t understand why I don’t lose weight.

Sister in Split Ends realized that what she thought was purple fabric was actually grey. HA. Nina specifically said she didn’t want grey, and so far there are three designers using it. Speak of the devil, Nina shows up with Tim to check on progress. They start with Quaker, who’s got a really really green jacket going. Nina’s like um no. How bout this? No. This? NO. HAHAH. Quaker decides the best road to take is just ignore Nina and hope it works out in the end. Icktor calls her boring. SHE’S boring? I just learned your name, and we’re four episodes in. Please put on pants.

Nina thinks Don Knotts has made too giant a collar, and she decides that she will add in some orange. Bad sign! Did the demise of Failene teach you nothing? Nina hates what Miss Trinidad is making, and she has no plan B. One thing a slutty girl who makes internet porn should never be without is Plan B. Do you guys care what Jersey Chore thinks about her design? Who cares? He’s going to cross his eyes and tell you anyway. UGH.

Jersey Chore has made a saggy titty blouse for Nina, and she’s thankful cuz she doesn’t wear bras. I’m always grossed out when Jersey Chore is onscreen, but he just pushed me over the damn edge. DOWN WITH JERSEY CHORE! I really didn’t need an image of Nina’s National Geographic tits swimming around in my head. Asshole.

Nina gets excited when she finds out Ole Blue Hair and Nutless bought the same cow fabric and tries to get them to throw each other under the bus. All in good time, Nina! She moves on to Dollivier, who explains in twelve different fake accents that he wanted to make her a straightjacket in, you guessed it, BEIGE.

Nina only has a disgusted roll of the eyes for Doughy Christian, but she also hates Matlock, Bimbo, and Icktor, who’s making a simple black dress. Nina looks downright pissed about the blatant grey her Sister in Split Ends is using. She calls it sad and mousy and mousy. Well, your sparkling personality will make it shine, Nina! Split ends decides her dress doesn’t matter. She just needs to make Nina feel pretty.

I smell a winner!

Himberly is striking out too, but she has no problem giving Nina’s advice a dirty look. Nina tells her to follow her gut, even if it’s a terrible and talentless gut. Thanks for the pep talk, Niner! Hey! There’s a surprise! This week’s winner won’t only be on cabs, it will be in Marie Claire!! Jersey Shore’s eyes roll-cross at the news.

Himberly was rattled by Nina’s consultation. She tells us that she gave up a lot to be here. Her mom died when she was 17, then her brother died. I don’t mean to be heartless, but how did family members dying turn into everything you gave up to be on PR? Unless you killed them so no one could stop you from coming. Matlock? Please dig into this shit a little for me. I’m confused and frankly, I’m scared.

Miss Trinidad is having issues with the gold Nina hates. Luckily for her, Jersey Chore is there to stick his badly powdered nose in her shit and convince her to dye it. I never see him work, and it’s kind of amazing that he has time to make the amount of tacky tasteless shit he does. Now let’s meet the thirteen year old Nutless is dating!!

You know eventually his balls are gonna drop and you’re gonna have some explaining to do, right?

They’re cute and boring and stuff and I would tell you more but the kid has to get off to finish his homework before bed. Model fittings!! Nutless tells his already padded model that her boobs are too tiny, and Bert tells us that Quaker’s work is shit. I forgot you were here, Matlock! Nina’s Sister in Split Ends hates all of her outfit and makes poochie face. Which is the same as her happy face, but with less gums.

Don Knotts is doing more sewing than she ever has, and she’s realizing she hates it and mostly sucks at it. Well, by the end of this episode we’ll have another mediocre designer in the streets of NY or another uninspired bartender. Either way meh. I’m way more interested in Split Ends, who is devising a way to get rid of her model’s giant nipples. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!

The next day, Tim comes in to check on them, but no one’s in the workroom. They’re all still sewing. For the first time in Project Runway history, he is worried they won’t finish. Last week, for the first time in Project Runway history, the challenge was outside in front of pasty tourists. Earlier, for the first time in Project Runway history, Nina became a client. Hey Project Runway history, until you are as amended and as incomprehensible as regular history, no one will read you. Call me when you’ve killed a whole race of people with disease ridden blankets and made yourself entertaining enough to be considered useful. KTHNX.

The models come back for fittings. Split Ends has taken a cigar cutter to her model’s silver dollar nipples, which is kind of sad. Doughy Christian is behind and totally sucking. SHOCKER! Ole Blue Hair says, with some glee, that Miss Trinidad is behind as usual and eventually she’s gonna fall on her hooker face.

Split Ends has just given up. She’s made caca and has no hope that it can be fixed. That’s sad! I would say that sometimes just sitting quietly and brushing your hair can be stress reducing, but I know she won’t listen anyway. Instead, she makes herself feel better by doing something good for someone else. How is this woman allowed on reality TV? Don Knotts is in the weeds, so Split Ends whips out a needle and thread to help her out. AW! They start furiously glue gunning as Tim walks in. He just gives them a grossed out look and says “Yikes.” LOL.

Bimbo is also feeling charitable and helping Miss Trinidad. Icktor says it’s no fair. He’s right, and if he ever designs something that doesn’t look like total crap, I might take him seriously. Runway time! Fat Bitch Heidi comes out rolling her tub of lard down the runway. It’s embarrassing. Let’s say hi to the judges!

Hi Nina!

Hi Kors!

Hi guest judge Slagitha Coffey!

Handless retard midgets could run a salon betta!

Hi other guest judge Kerry Washington who’s a pretty actress I’ve never heard of! I google her to find out which nasty Weinstein Brother she blew to get on this show. She’s produced a film for their company, but I couldn’t find her face buried in either of their stretch marked crotches. I did find these pics of her without makeup, though. Amazing how a couple of pictures eliminate my pretty girl resentment so quickly.

Maybe she’s born with i….aw hell no. Definitely Maybelline.

Jersey Chore is first. He’s used the EXACT same color Nina was wearing before and made it uglier. He sewed on the image of a much thinner and younger woman on the front. Is this supposed to trick people? Or just be used as an apron for the inevitable late night baby guts dribble?

Remember that time Nina swallowed an intern whole?

That is some fugly Jersey trash right there. One thing no one wants to see? An unzipped Nina.

Matlock has made a simple boring black dress. Like, terribly boring. This is a challenge based on what Nina would wear. Not what she SHOULD wear.

Now for Dollivier’s newest piece of poorly constructed beige caca. He added a bit of grey to his palette this time. The one thing Nina didn’t want. So he’s bland, boring, and kinda hateful. I am starting to like him.

The “Hey! FUCK YOU NINA!” dress.

There’s not one piece of that top that looks well constructed, but it’s awesome listening to him brag about it in ten terrible accents. I think I hear a little Nell in there, too. Nutless’ work is the first of the cow prints to walk. The top isn’t bad, but Nina’s not gonna go out of her way to make her non child bearing hips look child bearing.

That skirt is fugly, and he brags about how well it’s made. HA. It looks all bunched up and pinned together. Ole Blue Hair is next with the same print, but she made a dress. Neither one of them did anything interesting with the cow print, but at least Martha Plumpton didn’t add three sizes to the hips.

HImberly made some weird fold up golden future top. I don’t get it. I’m waiting for her model to transform into a pickup truck and battle the human race or some shit.

Metallics must be cold.

The pants are adorable, though. Split Ends hates her work, but I don’t think it’s as bad as she says. Still gross, but not that gross. Maybe a little lumpy and frumpy, but that’s what makes it so Nina.

Slagitha looks disgusted.

Miss Trinidad’s work turned out pretty well. The dye job was a success, and I would love to see Nina in a skin tight jumpsuit, if only to laugh and point and feel skinny. I don’t get why the pant legs are cut to make it look like the model has knock knees, though. Is that in now? Cuz if so I’m totes fashionable right now.

Quaker’s is pretty simple, but it’s WAY better than the Lucky Charms mess it was in the workroom. She’s added some well fitted black pants, but I worry that this is too tasteful for Nina. If it looks like she has normal person taste in fashion, she could be fired. The only way to look knowledgable in fashion is to look like a bozo at all times.

Don Knotts’ dress is craycray, but it’s toned down cray, and it actually works. Go Don Knotts!! She turned her minimal sewing ability into an “I can sew I just pretend I can’t for the sake of fashion” dress. It looks messy on purpose. I like it, so it will lose.

Chunky Christian has made a dress we’ve seen a cabillion times before on the Dress Barn sale rack, complete with wacked out hem. He needs to go.

Bimbo’s model looks like a shot girl at Barney’s Beanery on St Patty’s Day. That’s a nice way of saying color blind tacky hooah. Nina’s droopy balls would show right through this thing.

Another simple black dress. This time from Icktor. He and Matlock fight, diss each other, and have the exact same taste. Marriage!

Just in case we forgot what a stereotypical non descript fagito burrito he is, he snaps in a Z and says “work!” UGH. Quaker, Himberly, Split Ends, Miss Trinidad and Icktor are kept on the runway as the top and bottom. Doughy Christian is safe? HOW? The safe ones gather in the back to try and solve the “who won” mystery. Matlock chimes in that he thinks Dollivier will win, not realizing that he’s sitting right next to him. LOL!! In his defense, Dollivier blends right into the walls.

The judges start with Icktor. Nina loves his easy peasy black dress. COME ON! It’s fucking lame! He kisses ass a lot and makes me sick. The judges all agree that it’s beautiful. Don Knotts starts by saying that she did what Nina said to, but Nina hates it and Kors calls it a housecoat and says it needs a Kleenex pouch. LOL. Once again, proving I know nothing about fashion. As if you need more proof. Don Knotts sticks to her guns, but then Slagitha says if Nina came to work in this, she’d be fired. Is that what happened with Elle??

Split Ends knows she’s in the bottom, and Slagitha says everyone would laugh at Nina behind her back (even more) if she wore that to work. Himberly is on the top! Nina loves the badly folded gold cold nipple look. Why? NO IDEA. That shit is fug. Then again, look what Nina’s wearing now.

Leftovers from the dog collar challenge.

Nina loves what Miss Trinidad did. I’m uncomfortable seeing Nina so happy. The judges are still impressed that Miss Trinidad can sew at all. Best lie ever. Quaker is last, which means she’s in troubs. Kors sums it up: “It’s pedestrian”. He follows that by saying it looks like something one of his aunts would wear in the 80′s. But last week they loved that Designing Women thing from the 80′s. So confusing and inconsistent. Slagitha says the outfit makes Quaker and her model look depressed and if Nina wore it to work she’d make her go to the Marie Claire counsellor. It sounds to me like Nina is always walking around on eggshells at her job. Bless her heart.

Icktor is offended that Miss Trinidad didn’t tell the judges that she got help, but he already tattle taled on Matlock last week so he kept it zipped this time. In alone time, the judges repeat themselves a lot, but Slagitha adds some more meanness. Kors says Quaker’s top looked like a guest at Joan Crawford’s St Patty’s day party. I don’t know what that means, but it was a Mommy Dearest reference and that’s a clue that straight people should laugh. They do.

Kors hates that Split Ends was so negative. They agree that Don Knotts sucked and that Himberly was great. Don’t. Get. It. I think Miss Trinidad will win, cuz the last challenge to win a billboard ad was Wretchen’s jumpsuit. Jumpsuits win this shit. But no! Himberly wins!! Nina’s not wearing some skin tight jump suit in public! She’s tacky, not stupid.

Ick and Trinidad are in. Trinidad hasn’t reminded us of her low rent porn star past yet this ep, so she grinds her hips behind the shadow box on her way out. Quaker is in! Split Ends looks piiiiiiised. Heidi calls her out on her bad attitude. A bad attitude gets you far on this show, though, so she’s in! NO!! DON!! I’ll MISS YOU!!!!!!!! Split Ends tells the other designers that she feels bad because she doesn’t care if she gets sent home and Don Knotts does. Bimbo says she should have said that on stage and not been a pussy. HAHAH.

Poor Don Knotts is sad, but takes it like a man. She has to leave before ever figuring out whether or not Jack Tripper was really a fruit or not! SAD HORNS!!!! Himberly goes to meet Nina at the office, and Nina is wearing her outfit. She looks hilarious. Which means it was a success.

Next week, the designers go to PE class, which, predictably, almost kills the Beigeian.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!