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Previously on Project Runway: There was a horror show on Governor’s Island,
…Miss Trinidad chained up her puppies,
…and Jersey Chore kept smelling his finger, which really grossed me out.
Smells like a living!
So Miss Trinidad, Icktor, Jersey Chore and Himberly are all in the top four! I am excited, mostly because all four have nicknames and I am not about to start learning names now. Fat Bitch Heidi comes out on the runway looking like she just ate the end of an opera.
All four of these fools will be designing a line, but only three of them will show at fashion week. Or nine, but whatever. Tim joins Fat Bitch on the runway limping and smelling like ho. Tim Gunn has used his stardom for good. Ass. Really good ass.
EW no touchee you da smelly like undt busboy.
Jersey Chore and Icktor are in their apartment packing slowly and reminiscing about the times they just knew they’d make it to the end. Miss Trinidad is over in her apartment with her humble ass, saying she never unpacked all the way because she didn’t think she’d stay for long. What the hell is there to unpack? She could fit her entire wardrobe in a fanny pack. Chain some kerchiefs together and call it a day. Himberly is super emotional. In case you’re curious what that looks like:
I have loved every single season of Project Runway, including this one, but that’s not to say that they’re all good seasons. Each has suffered its own issues. Squircangles, Pleatherness, angry Iranaians terrorizing our TVs. This year’s problems can pretty much be summed up in a picture.
Tacky, embarrassing, loud, greasy, overdone, been done, crosseyed, sad. Oh and SLEEVES.
The designers get their stuff packed and start heading back to the holes they crawled out of. Himberly is super excited to be going home. In case you were wondering what Himberly looking super excited looks like:
Home visits! YAAAAY!!! Tim goes to visit Himberly in Maryland first, and he’s psyched because he has a feeling he’s gonna get a lot of peen here.
Himberly greets him in Weezy voice, and I love Weezy so I hope she wins. Her collection is inspired by Brooklyn. Not the trendy hipster borough it is now, but the nasty ghetto ass hellhole it used to be. The models will all smell like pee and shoot at the audience. I’m in! I’m wondering how a whole line of sweatpants, down jackets and plastic member’s only jackets are gonna look, but Tim doesn’t seem to care. He is all compliments. It gets boring real fast, so he launches into a story about stopping his rented car on the side of the road to prove to a random farmhand that he can fit his fist into his mouth.
Time to meet the family! They’re a fun, energetic sweet group, which makes me happy. The way Him’s been talking the past few months, I was expecting a house full of taxidermy.
The baby is cute and hilarious, and Tim is told that she walks around the house saying “Tim Gunn, work!” This is a really good family, cuz if I had walked around saying that as a baby it would be reason for my Meemaw to lock me up at the Jesus Chapel reconditioning camp.
Him talks about how her mom is dead and stuff, but her sister and her best friends are her family now. When she was younger, Him was really fashionable and was voted Homecoming King hands down. She says that winning will be major cuz she’ll be the first black winner. Wow. That’s true! And really sad, no? Well, if any of them win it will be groundbreaking. Icktor: First corpse that dresses like PeeWee Herman on the day he got arrested jerking it in a porn theater. Jersey Chore: First crosseyed guy in eyeshadow and Ricky Ricardo hair. Miss Trinidad: First sex tape/Trinidadian who can’t sew. So any way you slice it, the ending will be a PROJECT RUNWAY FIRST!
Tim shows up in Trinidad in his full suit. LOL. God I love him. Watching him try to walk down a ramp is the funniest thing on TV since Roseanne. Miss Trinidad is taking him out on a boat ride. He’s nervous at first, but then he sees the rent-a-captain and his boner answers for him.
Let’s head north!
Miss Trinidad is vewy inspiuhd by da see. Because you can pretty much make any ole shapeless thing and blame the waves. Also, because it changes her energy and the way she perceives things. Tim looks confused, so she says it’s like what butt sex with a stranger does. He’s all “aaaaaaaaaah! I see!” They go to meet her two brothers. They are really close, and one bro says he’s thrilled that now people are recognizing Trini’s talent instead of just her pretty face or her deep throating skills. AW! The death of their fourth sibling brought them close as can be…wait. WHAT? She has a dead brother and she didn’t use that to garner sympathy? DAMN. I pride myself for being able to find something hatable in pretty much anyone, and she foils me again. BITCH. My feelings of love are cemented when she shows off the tattoo on her hand of her dead brother’s name. I hope the editors point out Jersey’s stupid pointless tattoo today of his own name with his cell number under it. Tacky ass.
Trini has a bunch of pictures on her mood board of the ocean and some rocks. She’s also got lots of bright blue fabric and some zippers hanging around. Boring! If you’re gonna be inspired by the sea, have some pics of dolphins getting caught in those plastic rings that hold cokes together or something. Tim asks her where the work is, and she starts stuttering. LOL! She’s done nothing! Not even sketched anything. OH LAWD. The beach inspires people to do NOTHING. That’s why I avoid it at all costs. Also because of the surfers who call me butter butt and dough boy and stretchy when I take off my shirt.
Tim is still affected by the dead brother story and the high from riding the rent-a-captain, so he doesn’t freak out. He chooses his six syllable words wisely, because it looks like all he wants to say is
You’re an embarrassment ya lazy twat!
Tim doesn’t know what the f to say, so he nags her a little bit and tells her to just start making shapes out of muslin til she comes up with something. He also reminds her that she can’t have any help with sewing. Just making shapes can help. Ask Liza! She came up with an entire HSN collection from her hospital bed!
Dearest Rich at fourfour, I have loved you long time for many reasons, but I will NEVER FORGET you for this one. Love, Flipit
I am not falling for this “I so behind I no no whatto doooo! Me no know sewysuckyfuckyfivedollameloveyoulongtime” act. We’ve heard it a zillion times, and you know this ho is winning this season. She could put the whole thing together with chewed up Orbit and dried boogars and she’d still win. FF.
Back to NY to check out Icktor’s clip on tie factory! He says that he has been working at mediocrity every single day, and I have a feeling he’s gonna achieve it. I believe in you, buddy! He tells Tim that he was inspired by Guadalajara Jalisco.
No thank you. Spices make my cornhole tingly.
Icktor went to Mexico for the anniversary of his brother’s death. JESUS. Is there anyone in this cast with a living family? I don’t mean to be crude, but dang. What is it about dead family members that inspire people to make ugly clothes? Kors probably has a laundry list of dead people to inspire the sale rack at Ross that he’s always showing up on.
Ick cries as he talks about making dead bro proud, and it’s sad. This is for him! I’m trying to figure out how this guy would feel about old lady jackets with fake pearls sewn all over them as his tribute.
Maybe just make some jeans.
What he shows Tim is pretty fantastic. It’s not only well made, but kinda interesting and original too. His big showstopper gown is just a plain cream colored blahnothingblah though, so Tim tells him to burn it so hard that the fire tans his skin a little so he doesn’t look like he’s been dead for a week. “Knock their effing socks off!” LOL TIM!! I love that Tim Gunn makes us all smarter, and this show makes him dumber. It all balances out.
We get to meet Ick’s boyfriend, who seems like a total sweetheart. He let’s his man walk around in shorts and bowties, so he’d have to be. Or an enabler. Depends on how you look at it. Tim asks how they met, and bf laughs “the old fashioned way!” Tim gushes “a rest stop? How effing romantic!”
Did you commit before or after you saw his face through the glory hole?
Jersey Chore lives in Queens. Shocker! Both because of the name and his affinity for leopard print. Unfortunately, Jersey Chore is still poor cuz Miss Trinidad stole his twenty grand, so Tim has to meet him during his barback shift.
We get to meet his sister, who is also kinda manly looking with eyeshadow and a terrible spray tan.
She doesn’t have crisco in her hair and her smile seems sweet and genuine, so I vote for her to win.
What was Jersey into as a kid? Everything! Sports, theater, makeup, strangling puppies, the ush. He was actually kinda cute in high school, and I am as mortified to say it as you are to hear it. Men, let this be a lesson to you: Crisco, spray tan, eyeshadow BAD.
Before the glue gun, the color orange, and that softball that hit him in the middle of his forehead and crossed his eyes.
Time can be almost as much of a c word as Jersey. Chore is nervous about his collection. He doesn’t have much to show, but Tim will get to see the direction he’s going in right after he gets about seventy pounds of bottles to the recycle bin and marries his ketchups.
Tim goes to his house and sees all the hideous textiles he’s chosen. He is scared out of his mind, and rightfully so. He calls the collection gimmicky, cheap, and…well….
Just when I think Tim is gonna stop sobbing and run out of the room, he comes up for air and calls this “one of the homeliest textiles I’ve ever seen in my life.”
He’s not done. “Major homely. This is one. Sad looking. Dress. SAD. It makes me wanna weep.”
Tim adds a “Farmer in the Dell” and a “trying too hard” in for good measure.
I can now honestly say I’m glad you stayed.
Tim earned his paycheck for the entire season in two minutes. He needs to moderate the Presidential Debates. Chore is only left with two pieces after Tim leaves, and I am in love really hard right now.
NYC! Fashion Week! Library vest!
First an ARMY dude set fire to a box of Bill O’Reilly books and now this. It’s a great week for the Burning Books crowd.
Chore is the first to arrive at the gorgeous penthouse at the La Quinta, and he sobs when he sees the terrace, wishing his mom was here to spring for one of the pimp bathrobes. The girls arrive, squealing, and Icktor arrives in jeans rolled up into shorts. Only someone who has a committed boyfriend would pull poo like this.
The gay man’s version of gaining fifty pounds and getting soccer mom hair.
Tim arrives to pop some champers and welcome them to the La Quinta, but since there’s not a whole lot of personality left, we go straight to the workroom to unpack and listen to the designers trash talk each other. Trini says she likes pink and blue, just not the pink and blue Himberly’s using. Himberly, thinks Icktor is a showoff, and Icktor thinks Miss Trinidad is a used up hooker face.
Tim comes in to see what they will be showing the judges. He starts with Icktor’s wow jacket. The other designers all drop their jaws. It looks like a junior high sex ed pic of genital warts to me.
This jacket sat on the wrong toilet seat.
I could go on showing you all these clothes, but then what would we have to do on the runway? Long story short, Tim loves everything Icktor. Jersey actually listened to Tim’s advice and came back with a looooot of black. He says that this is all about staying true to yourself. By changing everything about yourself to please Tim. ?? He did leave some of his own stuff there, and he’s trying to mix it in with the black. Tim thinks it looks schitzo, and Chore just nods and crosses his eyes. Tim doesn’t want to leave him sad, but he does. I think that’s the only way to leave him.
Himberly is super excited, and Tim tells her to calm the fuck down. Miss Trinidad has work to show, and it’s her usual fare. Every dress we see looks the same, but in different fabrics. Tim tells her so. Too typical of her work and not surprising enough. She starts crying. Cheer up! You at least get free digital cable through your neck!
Jersey Chore snacks on Trini’s pain. He has never seen her so weak before and it’s better than a value meal. Trini says that she wasn’t nervous until she got home and realized how much this all meant to her family. AW! Disappointing your family is one of the joys of adulthood, sugar! Spread those wings and crash to the ground. Making your mom cry and regret giving up her dreams of becoming an aerobics star to have you can be almost as fulfilling as actually going to college and making an effort. She goes with Plan B: being as adorable as possible.
Peoples likey da pug dogs, no?
She’s not the only scared one. Himberly is freaking out and ditching one of her gowns. The boys are all confidence, though. Jersey figures if the world isn’t ready for dog leash attachments sewn on their sleeves, then that’s their loss. Submissive bottoms FTW! He wears his mom’s pin for luck. I can’t tell what it is from this far back. Is that a pentagram? Cuz that would explain a lot.
Icktor is confident on game day because he’s the only one finished. Over confidence never wins! Oh wait. I forgot about Wretchen. And Irana. And…. The list is too long. Miss Trinidad is so hard that she has to wear earrings that will mop up her shoulder sweat.
Scrambling for the show, Miss Trini decides to use whatever fits. Something with tits hanging out and a bathing suit. Yes. I just typed bathing suit. Sure, we all suspect this ho is gonna win, but it’s actually getting exciting now to see just how she’s gonna do it. Chore is worried about the shoes he’s pairing with his hot pink jumpsuit. LOL. Start with rethinking the jumpsuit, ya twit. He asks for advice and Trini says that the shoes are very him. He takes that as a yes, but I don’t know that that was a compliment. Trini is a tricky one.
Hair and makeup! Smoke break! When I come back, this is happening:
It’s like the Six Feet Under opening.
Almost time! Jersey Chore is staring his greatest fear right in the eye.
Everyone cries and tells us how much this means to them. FF. Feelings are horrible things.
Runway time! Fat Bitch Heidi comes out chewing on beef jerky and burping up chile. Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!
Icktor is up first with a zombie cheerleader costume from the 99 cent store. It’s different than the stuff he usually does, but that’s not working out for him on this one.
He shows off his jacket construction skills with the next one. Unfortunately, his model went off the pill and now can’t stop bleeding.
She’s wearing a glass wind chime, so anyone who dares hug her will end up in the same bloody boat she’s in. Misery loves company!
Kors has a fauxhawk! LOL!! Now you look like a totally young little orange that was just left in the sun too long. WHY?!? WHYYYYY?!?!?!
Next up is his genital warts jacket. It’s pretty, and it’s paired with a fairly simple baby doll dress. He’s added a giant train to it, I guess to make it different. Any idiot who wears this in public deserves to get caught in the subway doors and dragged a couple of miles.
He says he’s happy with the collection, but he looks like he’s been sobbing. Teary eyed dudes should not wear makeup. Or any dude. Sorry if that’s sexist or whatever, but men please. Let’s draw some lines.
Miss Trinidad’s first look is an ode to rusty pipes.
Next up is a bathing suit, which horrifies me. WHY? She’s added a sheer robe with shoulder pads, and I’m confused. It’s prettyish, but the tan lines on those boobs are gonna be frightening.
Miss Trinidad thinks it would look much better on someone less white bread. Doesn’t everything? Shut up and glue, ya racist! Her third look is a gold wrap dress thing. Zzzzzzzz. I know she took all of five minutes to do this collection, but come on, woman! If she’s always in trouble for doing to bright and printy, she should have gone all out with that and done it better. This just looks like a melted stick of Rolos.
Jersey Chore is n…wait. This is Himberly? I…I don’t…I….
Cookie Monster Chic
The next look is that same cookie monster blue but now with some pink. The skirt is all bunched up. I have to give her credit for her coy nod to her penis with the mix of boy and girl colors. There are a lot of proud trannies out there tonight.
It’s a Boy! And a Girl!
She is going a little far with the symbolism, cuz the terrible skirt makes it look like the model has a boner.
The third look is a really pretty black glitter dress with a clever turtleneck collar to hide the adam’s apple. Him knows her client.
I am what I am, mkay?
Jersey Chore starts with hot pink pants and a tuxedo type jacket top. This whole thing screams “Tim yelled at me.” If you’re gonna do your thing, do it. If you’re gonna do Tim’s thing, do that. Meshing them together just doesn’t work. It’s like someone crushed Hello Kitty’s birthday party with a funeral announcement.
Look two is just a simple black dress. Boring. And Fat Bitch Heidi will love that shit. She always does.
Look three is a sheer Miss Trinidad dress with a flea collar.
I wasn’t counting on Chore to be good, but I was hoping for at least INTERESTING. Boooooriiiiiiiiiing. He cries as he watches his collection. I do too, but mostly cuz I’ve slapped myself too hard to stay awake. The judges start with Miss Trinidad. Nina loves the rusty pipe dress, and it was the only dress Heidi likes. The bathing suit is unflattering and the color is drab. The gown is thrown together and has no wow. Kors says the gown looks tortured and her styling blows. Icktor and Chore smile big. UGH. Nina points out that she has a different point of view and needs to not try to fit in with a bunch of hacks.
Himberly is next. Kors recognizes her tough style and calls her stuff sexy but over-accessorized. Nina agrees about the styling, and Heidi hates the bubble but pink skirt and calls it awful. Ick is up. I have to say, seeing his collection compared to the others…his is the best by far, no? He brings up dead brother and takes a long sobby pause. Nina looks like she’s gonna barf.
Unless he died as an infant inside my digestive system, I couldn’t give a flying fart.
Kors loves the jacket and the period pants, but his accessories are a no go. Fat Bitch loves the violent hug top and tries on the jacket. Kors tells him to just whip up black pants and a tank top for the jacket. Remember that next week when he disses him for the black pants and tank top. Nina says he’s trying a little too hard with the zippers, and Kors thinks he turned up the volume way too much. Overall, though, he does well.
Jersey is next. He blahs on forever in his snotty Howell voice. Heidi calls his work modern and forward. She doesn’t like his car seat belt. Kors likes the seatbelt and the jacket, but he’s not so into the black dress. He hates the “modesty tab” that holds her tits in, and he hates the back of the see through flea collar dress. He does love the actual flea collar, though. Just. Don’t. Get it. Nina says she’s shocked that his styling is the best and she’s super impressed. She almost chokes as she says “you’re a very good designer”, but she does say it. aodiba;ldnva;lrig[asodihbbwerg;lknacva[sodibfh
So Trini’s out, no? Himberly is smiling, but she knows that she could be going down. Jersey tries to convince the other designers that he’s amazing and deserves to win. Trini compliments the guys and says she knows it’s between her and Him for the lose.
Heidi loves Icktor’s work, but Kors says that his styling is terrible. He hates the Jersey Chore Halloween gown. Fat Bitch thinks Trini’s work is bland and uninspired. Two out of three blew, but she wasn’t the only one. Nina hates Him’s colors, and Kors hates her styling. Fat Bitch calls the girls equally bad. Ouch.
The designers are brought back out. The boys are both safe, of course. Jersey squeals a bit, and my dog barks. LOL. Fat Bitch calls the girls stupid untalented slags and finishes the Little Caesar’s she’s been working on. And…..Himberly’s IN!!! WOAH!!! Total twist. I thought Trini had this thing in the bag until today! Snapple: Jilted Internet Sex Star Flavor. Sad for Trini, but psyched for Him. WAIT! Trini is also in! WTF?!?! No fair! Happy for her, but you guys just kinda wasted an hour of my life here. Everyone jumps up and screams in the back, but you know Jersey’s pissed. And sure enough:
Jersey is about to lose it, so it’s a happy ending all around. He thinks they should have both been kicked out. Dramatic music plays as he goes off about it in two different hideous embarrassing outfits. So what do you guys think? Was this rigged in Miss Trinidad’s favor, or should Himberly have gone? I don’t know. I’m sticking with Heidi’s critique: Equally bad. There will be no podcast this week, as I couldn’t find anyone to do it with me. Sad alone with a mic horns. See you for the finale finale!