Error: Twitter did not respond. Please wait a few minutes and refresh this page.
Previously on Project Runway:
Icktor let Jersey Chore touch one of his trademark jackets and it got warts,…
Himberly hinted at her nutsack by giving one of her models a boner,…
And everyone got a pass to fashion week, even though the girls were terrible and Jersey Chore wore a vest I saw Blanche wear on the Golden Girls, but with chain link fence inexplicably glued on. So what did we learn? Life isn’t fair. Or tasteful.
The girls get the show going. Miss Trinidad tells us that last week she didn’t show “the best work I’ve ever done.” Well that’s one way to put it. I’m all for self forgiveness, but it might be a little soon. That shit was terrible. She knows that Jersey Chore is pissed that she got to stay, but just shrugs it off and says that’s just him. Sweetest internet hooker ever. She’s like Mary Magdalene and Jesus rolled into one. Guess what Jersey Chore is doing right now! If you guessed showing off his amazing trick where he crosses his eyes and rolls them at the same time, you win!
Chore, of course, wishes that there were fewer people so the chances of his terrible clothing actually winning something would increase. He also wishes he’d get banged by a boat full of marines and that Care Bears weren’t so fucking happy all the time. Wishes are a rip off. Fountains came up with them to rob you of your change.
The designers get to the workroom with 2 days to go. Miss Trinidad says that she’s having an identity crisis and agrees with the judges that she should never have listened to Tim. OK they didn’t say that, but they should have. Tim comes in to kinda apologize that his advice didn’t do anyone any favors. He doesn’t apologize to Miss Trinidad, though, cuz she sent out some unforgivable ass suck and he refuses to take credit for that. Sure, he told her all of her fun bright fabrics were wack, but it’s her fault for listening. And not sewing her collection until five minutes before the runway show. I’d love to say that lazy people never win, but I’m lazy and look at me! Wait….
Tim tells them that with enough work, any one of them could win. He says it while wagging his finger back and forth. It’s like the producers are making him say one thing but his natural reflexes are like oh HAYELL NO Y’ALL’RE AN EMBARRASSMENT.
The saxicolous among us will cheer your unparagoned suckage.
Tim has a HUGE gift for them. Unfortunately, he can’t get it working without fifteen minutes of doing the helicopter on it, so instead, he zips up his pants and gives them all five hundred bucks to spend at mood. Maybe talent will be on sale today!
Himberly decides that she is going to change the color of her giant booty/boner skirt to black. She can have the color criticized or the shape, but not both. So she’ll just let the shape get in trouble. What the hell? Nina flat out hated that booty and Fat Bitch Heidi called it “a carthooneded”. Redo the whole thing! Sad that the only goal here is to suck just a little bit less.
Jersey Chore is gonna change his jumper thing. He’s leaving the plastic flea collar, but plans to expand the butt for his heifer of a model. That cheap jerk is going to buy a new zipper and pocket the rest. Miss Trinidad doesn’t have many ideas yet, so she gets her boobs on the table and hopes that they come up with something.
A whole new line for motorboaters.
The boobs decide to just wander through mood and buy lots of cool shit to bring back and make a whole new line off the top of her head. It seems to have worked in the past, so good for her. Icktor decides to remake that flowy gown thing that Nina loved. No idea why, but I guess he has to come up with something to do for the next two days. He should spend that money on a trip outside. Maybe get a ticket on one of those tour busses that’s open on top. I realize now after seeing his boyfriend that he might just keeping himself as pale as possible to not make the poor little fella feel less pasty, but looking like a corpse never spared anyone’s feelings. Sun.
Let’s take a moment to examine Jersey Chore’s outfit. If traffic cones started a gay marching band, they would think this outfit is too much.
For the easy breezy ruthless queens who wanna clean their clothes with a handi-wipe and call it a day.
The first thing Himberly does back at the workroom is check her new material for a nutsac.
Miss Trinidad bought every cheap print she could find and plans on remaking all three of the looks she showed to the judges. It sounds like it could be a disaster, but this girl is touched by an angel. An angel that hates sleeves and loves summer dresses. Chore has bought what he’s wearing, but the “under a microscope” version. Not a real microscope. There are just bigger horizontal stripes. Not scabs and bedbugs.
I have watched every minute of this season (well except for hair and makeup. Even I have limits), and I still can’t for the life of me figure out wtf Jersey Chore is still doing here. Dear Casting, PLEASE MAKE AN EFFORT. Lovekinda, Flip.
The eighth dwarf, Leather Bear
Jersey is totally invigorated by his new hideous neon fabrics. His line should be called “CAUTION: CHILDREN CROSSING” or “PLEASE DON’T HIT ME ON MY BIKE”. He is planning on making a ton of new stuff that you can see at night on an unlit street, but then Icktor asks him the perplexing question: “Um….are you even done with your line?” This sends Chore into a tailspin. He starts crying. LOL!
If this doesn’t get finished, lines of children being let out of school will be crushed by oncoming traffic. WAAAH!
The best part is that he’s whining to Miss Trinidad, who he’s basically called a no talent bimbo skank for the past two months. He sobs “I don’t have anything! I don’t even have a job when I go back!” LOL!!! You stupid whiny bitch. Like everyone else has mansions they’re subletting to come on tv. Granted, it will be easier for the non pleather/mascara/drag queen eyebrow/orange contenders to find work than Chore, but he victimized himself with those flaws. I know bartending jobs are like really hard to come by and require tons of education and stuff, but joo can do eet! I would shout at him to man up, but I’m thoroughly enjoying his eleven o’ clock number.
Glue-gunning just isn’t the highly paid skill it should be. WAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH
Now he’s squealing and inconsolable. Miss Trinidad knows how to stop those gunky black tears, though. She starts talking about how she’s hurting too. He dries up immediately, which makes me laugh my ass off.
Do you not see my uniform? Children are crying. DO NOT CROSS. DO NOT CROSS!
That was very sweet/smart of her. One day til runway time! Icktor is on a gay cliche roll. “Oh Lord of the RINGS!” “But cha ah in that chair!” “No more wire hangers!” “You gotta stir the….motorcycle!” ??
Why, stirring motorcycles isn’t a gay cliche. Luckily, he’s giving two imaginary handjobs, so he pulls this off. Literally.
Today, Jersey Chore is wearing his little girl pink hoodie and his little girl ice skates without the blades. I am only pointing that out because it’s the last day of this shit. I live in West Hollywood and am surrounded by queens, and I never get this much gayness in one sitting. It’s like candy. Candy that you should only put in your mouth with the wrapping still on cuz otherwise it will kill you.
Where’s Tanya Harding with a crowbar when you need her?
Everyone’s nervous, but no one’s squealing or sobbing about losing their barbacking job, so it’s not as fun as when Jersey was nervous. Hair and makeup! SMOKE BREAK!
Tim comes in to check on progress. He gives Himberly shit about her pink boner dress again. She says she was gonna redo it, but now her plan is just to rework it. Jersey is grossed out by her skirt, but he’s…him. So who cares? Miss Trinidad shows Tim all of her wacky patterns and says that she feels more herself, but that it’s still not her best work. She says she has had a great time and if she loses she’ll be ok. It’s a concession speech, but every episode she’s cried and or worried that she’s not gonna finish or blah and she ends up winning. I suspect today will be no different.
Icktor has made a new gown out of funeral lace. And it’s see through. It’s like he’s creatively visualizing the death of Miss Trinidad. Tacky! Tim is loving Jersey Chore’s line suddenly, except for that same print he went on the “homeliest I’ve ever seen. Ever. Ever. Disgusting. Fugly. Poop. It looks like total poop.” rant he went on about last week. This throws Jersey off, like he’s never heard that critique before. Are you guys watching After the Runway? Did you see the one where Laura Bennet came on and called him a drama queen bully and he hissed at her and told her she better hope they never run into each other in LA? LOL! That has nothing to do with anything, but I have to remind you he’s a terrible person as many times as possible before this is over for the season.
Miss Trinidad is making yet another new look. She’s on a roll. She figures the judges loved her when she was pulling shapeless and flowy out her ass, so why not just do it some more? They’re stuck dressing skeletons, so she’s just picked out a skeletal fabric as an homage to the homely anorexics. She really is a sweet girl.
Meanwhile, Icktor mourns his childhood loss of melatonin.
The models come in for fittings. Jersey Chore tells one of them that his goal is to make her look just like him. She runs out of the room screaming and sets herself on fire near the soda machine. God bless her. No matter. He can get any ole average girl off the street to wear his shit. Since it all looks like it’s coming off the dollar rack at Wal-Mart, it’s more fitting that way anyhow.
He blahs in wonderment at his own talent for making whatever it is he thinks he’s making, and to really sell it, he adds in some jazz hands.
Miss Trinidad is still cutting out new dresses with forty five minutes to go, which cracks me up. She does her “I donna know eef I feeneeshsuckyfuckyfivedolla” routine, but we all know she will. And the new line is looking pretty good. There’s no reason muumuus should ever have gone out of style in the first place. It’s early morning of the runway show now, and Martha Plumpton is outside trying to set the hotel on fire.
I know that’s you, Martha!
Miss Trini tells Himberly that this whole line is inspired by her dead brother, which makes me wonder if he passed away from being unprepared. Icktor is worried about the whole public speaking part of the runway show. You’re already dressed like PeeWee Herman. Just talk about the Alamo and have someone arrest you for cutting the tags off a mattress or some shit. Jersey Chore practices his Norma Desmond monologue and tries to figure out who he’s gonna leave dead in the pool by the end of the show.
If Mirrors Could Talk:
Jersey gets teary eyed and tells us how proud of himself he is for learning editing. LOL. You’re wearing a lesbian key chain, mascara, and a plastic Gucci knock off diaper bag. Editing begins at home.
The final four show up to the runway and hug and give each other love. AW! Time to get shit ready. Himberly is the first to start crying, cuz she forgot her toolkit and has a lot left to sew. Woops! It’s been left behind! Now you know how your penis felt.
Miss Trinidad comes through and gives her what she needs. I have tried my best to hate Trini, but I just can’t do it. Sowwy. Fat Bitch Heidi comes out on the runway looking like she saw Chris March backstage and ate him as a snack. The real news here is Dollivier. Good Lord, woman! He needs to start a Beige tribute band.
Earth, Wind Earth, and Fire Earth.
Fat Bitch intros the judges. Hi Kors!
Hi Guest Judge L’Wren Scott! I don’t know what her deal is, but her dumb ass made up name makes me just shrug her off immediately. She sounds like a French wrench.
Fix my l’sink
Himberly’s line is out first, and she’s super emotional. In case you were wondering what that looks like:
First up is her cookie monster pants and striped shirt. It looks better than it did the first time we saw it. The new pants are now causal chic and perfect for a cookie brunch.
The back is pretty cool and improves the whole look.
Look two is a mini skirt with a prettyish blouse. The little mermaid grew up to be a streetwalker. I mean that as a compliment. Kinda.
Next up is a simple cookie monster top with capri pants. Meh. Cookie casual.
Again, the back is better. She’s designing for women who only want to make an impression as they walk away. Her line is called Fear of Rejection.
Next up is another cookie monster dress with a giant sack. WHY? CM would never do laundry in such a fancy outfit.
She’s veering into Jersey Chore hot pink territory now, and just as I type that, she says she feels like she’s sitting at home looking at someone else’s collection. The jacket’s pretty cute, even though it looks like something Icktor’s made about twenty times this season.
Icktor on top of Jersey Chore. And….nightmares.
Now for her tribute to Miss Trinidad.
The next is her best so far. I’m sure Dollivier the Biegian agrees.
She didn’t fix the pink boner skirt, but she did add a much prettier top. Way classier chick with a raging hardon.
Now for a glitter top that Fat Bitch always wears, which is a good strategic move. The pants are pretty fug, though. Are we expecting a lot of rain this season? Cuz highwaters are all the rage.
Global warming = bad fashion
Sparkly gown that looks pretty and hides the Adam’s apple. Love this one.
Just to solidify her brotherhood with the trannies of the world, she bows in her giant clunky silver drag queen shoes.
She did a pretty nice job overall, but I don’t think she has a shot in hell. Nina is bored, and that’s like rule number one. She’s making a list of shit she needs to buy for her baby stew later.
Cilantro, mustard, rosemary, chives, baby, pepper.
Guess what Jersey Chore is doing right now.
He comes out on the runway crying. SHUT UP. He dedicates his collection to dead mom, and his dad gets that “stop calling me for money if you’re gonna keep giving your mom credit for everything, you ungrateful twit” smile.
Matlock rip off alert!
What about “This is the homeliest fabric I’ve ever seen” don’t you understand, ya queen? Tim must be clucking and grimacing backstage at this next one.
And now for capris, a tank, and a really poorly made church lady jacket.
And now more “homeliest fabric I’ve ever seen” paired with a poorly made skirt in road worker green.
More neon green. This time ripped up shorts with chains glued all over the place and a really cool t-shirt. It looks like a super tacky Saw contraption.
Hot pink capris and that tuxedoish jacket. I don’t know if Himberly ripped him off or if it was the other way around, but the saddest part of this season is that there’s no one good to even copy off of.
You know what’s even grosser? Chunk is sitting next to Wretchen!!
Ah, Chunk. You’ve had plenty of time to learn taste. Shame!
And now for his “Pander to Fat Bitch” little black dress.
A plastic top with blood spatter all over it. How…comfortable.
He changed his jumper into a witch dress. He kept the flea collar.
Next up is the sluttiest judge robe I have ever seen. Take notes, Judy!
The PeepHole’s Court
That line was cheap, tacky, and pointless. Glad to see people learn to express their personality in their work. Icktor’s next! He’s scared of public speaking. You’d think a grown man who goes out in clip on bowties, shorts, and shoes without socks wouldn’t be afraid of anything.
Dollar Store Mondo
His collection is “inspired on” Mexico. The first is his purple tie dye top with a flowy waitress skirt. Jetson sleeve things again.
Next is his zipper leather skirt (cute) and see through blouse (hacky. Please don’t let those hideous things come back!). I love that they show a shot of Quaker Oats as the slutty one walks. LOL, editors.
Now for the dangerous hug/dangling mirror shards top with some short shorts.
Now for Texas mixed with Mexico with a little ombre in there for good measure. Just in case you didn’t get that this was Mexican inspired.
We should give this dress government money to help with college.
Another see through top. This is too nineties for my taste. Why is that see through thing back? Or is it only on this show? I remember in high school my Spanish teacher got into this look. It was disturbing as hell. These need to not be made for women over three hundred pounds. Sorry, Heidi!
Next up, a see through gown for a porn funeral. The best thing about this is that model’s body. God wins!
So is it all funeral wear? Looking dead doesn’t mean you have to mourn yourself all day long, man! I thought for sure last week he had a shot at taking this, but zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
The Black Yawn
Now for a pretty dress with coffee spilled down the front.
Now for the period pants and violent hug top we’ve already seen.
More see through. Ugh. Leather pants and anal warts jacket.
Yawni, put down the flute. That was so boring! I’m not really even being picky here. I just don’t wanna fall asleep before this shit is over. The return of the see through blouse with the bra underneath is what you have to offer fashion? GO HOME! And give Mondo his clipon back you robber!
Miss Trinidad dedicates her line to Caribbean sex workers. She’s already better than everyone else, just for using color.
She’s done some work on her rusty pipes Wretchen tribute, and it looks a lot better. It still reminds me of Wretch, though, so I can’t help but hate it.
She’s switched out her terrible saggy titty bathing suit for a pretty one with a nice flowy robe.
I’d like to think Mrs. Roeper would have worn this when she was still young and sexy. And I LOVE Mrs. Roeper, so yay.
Did UPS start shipping Asians? Cuz this one looks like she’s just waiting to be signed for.
Trini says she can’t believe that all of this is by her! Really? Cuz they’re summery flowy dresses with no sleeves. You’ve done that every single week and you’re still not used to it? OY. Still, pretty.
Gold short shorts and a flowy brownish skirt thing. Not sure about this, but it’s the second time tonight Matlock’s felt robbed, fo sho. I do love that there’s a model on this show with some normal thighs. YAY for that!
More short shorts and a casual summer top. It’s all beachwear, and I could see people actually buying this stuff. I think that means she can’t win, right?
Another Wretchen dress. UGHstillhateher. This one has a formal sixties collar, though, for whatever reason. The stuff Trini came up with in three hours is better than the stuff she had months to make.
And now for the possibly chunky lady x ray dress.
I think she won this. It’s been pretty obvious for awhile, but last week they tried to trick us and make us think it wouldn’t happen. The only thing making me think she won’t win is that I think she will win. I never ever ever guess right. EVER. Jennifer Love Shrewitt loved it, so that’s all that matters. What the hell has happened to her face? She looks like a squinty Janet from Three’s Company. And why is Three’s Company in this recap again!?!?
Jay hates Jersey Chore’s guts (LOL JAY!!!!) but loved his tacky ass line best. As he would. I love me some Jay, although the new fauxhawk is making me rethink that one hard.
Girl you should know better. This was out during your damn season.
Betsey Ronald McDonald Johnson likes Chore best too. Of course. I wonder how she feels about apples in Happy Meals instead of french fries. Can’t get over it and never will.
As tacky ass Ronald McDonald loving tacky ass Jersey Chore’s line should scare anyone with any kind of taste level, so should Himberly be scared that Quaker Oats says that she would wear her line. Yikes.
Sad pasty cover my elbows or I’ll go to hell horns.
In unrelated news, Nina’s Soul Sister in Split Ends washed her hair! Can I get an AMEN?!?
Mila liked Icktor’s work best, which is surprising. I thought she’d go for Jersey Chore because of their crosseyed bond and all. Crosseyed birds of a feather run into fence posts together. Or not, apparently.
Judging time! The judges start with Himberly after Nina pulls her finger out of the light socket.
Kors likes that she listened to their random advice from last week. Guest Wrench likes the Little Mermaid hooker look, and everyone loves the hot pink dress. Heidi loved her tribute to Beigeian and wishes she had more of that kinda stuff. Jersey Chore is next. Fat Bitch liked his work, and even the “homeliest print I’ve ever seen” look. Kors says he’s like a schizo, but it worked well for the line and he should drop the histrionics. LOL. Wrench was overall impressed. WTF? I could never be a judge cuz I would just say EW and the show would be over. Nina says that he’s the most improved, and even compliments the neon shorts with chains. LOL I can’t take these people seriously or I will bash my head through my TV.
Icktor: Kors loves his printed pieces and his tailoring, but didn’t like all the see through crap. Thank you. Wrench repeats her compliments from her Chore critique. She wasn’t into the sheer either. Fat Bitch liked the mirrors, the period pants, and the printed gown. She hated the see through stuff too and calls it cheap. Nina likey prints. Hated the see through.
Miss Trinidad: She says “easy and sexy” as many times as she can in her pitch. This isn’t craigslist, skank! Keep it in your pants. Fat Bitch loved the prints, but says she did way less work than everyone else and eight out of ten looks had the same neckline. Kors loved her first look the best and calls it his fave opener even though she needs some variety. Wrench couldn’t wear any of it, but she liked the work. Nina compliments the bathing suit, but says nicely that she’s a one trick pony. So why should each of them win?
Trinidad says that she started as someone who couldn’t sew and ended up as someone who couldn’t sew and is still smiling. Jersey says that he’s a vile human and his mom died and if they don’t pick him he’ll squirt mustard gas out of his death flower.
I win or you ALL LOOOOOSE!
Icktor is dressed like Mondo, who was robbed, so they should make it up to Mondo by giving him the win. Himberly says that black people need a decent designer too. I will be equally blahed no matter who takes it. I’m just glad crazy ass Mila will be back on my screen soon.
In alone time, Kors says he liked Him’s clothes, but it wasn’t a cohesive collection. The other judges agree, but Wrench says that there were some clunky pieces and Nina thinks Him needs some time. None of the judges were too psyched about the see throughiness of Icktor’s line, but they all loved the printy stuff. It would be cool to give the first dead looking person in PR history a win, but Nina says that four of his looks sucked so….Fat Bitch sticks up for him half heartedly, but no one buys it.
Kors is shocked that Trinidad got it together at the last second, and Fat Bitch tattle tales that she had nothing done on Tim’s home visit. That works to her advantage because so much in fashion is done under the gun. Kors agrees about the identical necklines and that she needs more than one look in different prints, but it was at least consistently good.
The judges fall over themselves complimenting Chore, and it makes me wanna throw up. So they’re impressed that his line was a tad bid less hideous than his usual work, and they were impressed that Miss Trinidad’s line was sewn at all. And those two are in the running for the win. I wonder if all the guests that the casting department invited over for their finale party are all looking at each other in awkward silence right now.
Kors says that he could imagine a Miss Trinidad line, but Jersey had more work and ideas in his line. If Jersey Chore wins I’m gonna eat an entire pizza and smoke a bowl. Which I will also do if he loses. But I will have an angrier binge if he wins I MEAN IT. Fat Bitch tells all the designers that none are losers. Um, I think it would be equally as fair to say they all lost equally, but why nitpick now?
Himberly is first out! She is sweet about it. She adjusts her nuts and gets the f outta there. She’s super grateful and really emotional about it all. In case you forgot what that looks like:
Icktor’s next out. Poor little guy looks like a dead child rapper.
He’s not too sad, though. He says something about not winning the cherry but eating the whole tub of ice cream anyway. I don’t know what he means, but at the same time I know exactly what he means. At least he gets a hug by a giant tube of whitening toothpaste.
Miss Trinidad WINS!!! YAAAAAYYYY!!!! I thought Dorothy was a little bitch, but I was still glad when she dropped that house on the green evil skank! YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!! I just wish she would take off his shoes and wear them, but I can’t blame her for one second for not doing it. Of course, his parting words are dissing Trini’s sewing skills and complaining that he’ll have to take more depressing calls from bill collectors. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! SUCKA!
Miss Trinidad is gracious and sweet, which means I don’t really have anything to say about her. Except that she’s gonna be able to afford a damn fine handicam now! Congrats, girl! Wow. A winner I don’t hate. It feels….odd. Thanks so much for being with me all season! I will be back for All Stars in the new year, and until then you can find me over on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. LOVE!