Project Runway: Give a Man Enough Rope

Previously on Project Runway: Quakers!

Gay Mormons in ascots!

Really terrible hair!

Lots of religious overtones this season. Yes, bad hair is a religion, too. If you don’t believe me just go to any Whole Foods. Those people are worshipping something, and it ain’t conditioner.

There’s a new opening with the judges being wacky. It’s disturbing for a lot of reasons, but the main one is that no one explained to to Nina what wacky is first. She looks like a frumpy mummy with a frog waddle and a Rachel cut. Hide your children!

We open with Chunky Christian Sirriano and Jersey Chore asking Mormon if he’s feeling better after the judges almost hung him by the ascot last week. He is! He says he can only go up from here. Well, you could go down. But Joseph Smith wouldn’t allow you to have your own private planet in Heaven if you did, so yes. Go up. Mormon’s goal isn’t to win this week, it’s to just stay alive and not go down on anyone. Good luck!

Blowjob face is not tolerated in this church, young man.

The girls are talking about how sad it is that Tootie Cocks got sent home last week, and Kimberly says he’s probably already getting ready for a Beyonce lookalike contest to enter. LOL. I like Kimberly. Can you tell? I learned her name.

Himberly

Miss Trinidad being in the top 3 last week has led her to believe that she might have some sewing talent after all. Well, I can’t attest to that yet, but I do know she has blowing talent. Thanks to you guys and the boner pictures itchy tweets me, I now know that Miss Trinidad has a sex tape. I can never unsee it, and it doesn’t help that she makes poses like this:

Meloveyoulongtimesuckyfuckyfivedolla

Over in the other boys’ apartment, Matlock is telling everyone that he woke up to Dolliver the Beigeian standing over him holding a pillow after his win. HAHAH! The creepy doll is already trying to suffocate Matlock. This is gonna be a fun season. Some random guy I’ve never seen before is there too, and I have no idea why.

Beige has never been this dangerous.

This might be the worst time in history to brag about that, seeing as how the world is going to shit.

Heidilornodeal comes out on the runway and gives her super challenging challenge riddle: this week the designers will have to unleash their talent! Ooooh. What could that mean? Jersey Chore, sticking with his gaydouche stereotype, immediately guesses S&M. UGH. Gay people: please at least TRY to stop proving my Meemaw’s worst fears valid every goddamn time you go on TV.

Anal beads? Dirty Sanchez? Tossed salads?

For those of you that don’t spend your weekends being passed around like deli meats from bear to bear, leashes usually are for dogs. So let’s meet Tim at Petland! No one is thrilled at the prospect of designing for pets. Creepy Dolliver dourly tells us that he “no have pets as chile. Onwy rabbits. (beat. beat. beat.) And day died.” Because you waited til they were asleep and then ripped out their throats with your teeth? Fuckin scary ass dolls. I was always afraid my sister’s Cabbage Patch dolls would do that to me.

If this doesn’t work out, please don’t start a pet sitting service.

Speaking of dogs….

Reality shows have ruined me. Now people look unnatural if they don’t have botox.

They will get their materials from the pet store, but they are designing for the usual anorexics instead of pets. They can use muslin if they want, but otherwise it’s gonna be a rope toy kind of day. Himberly looks super excited.

I tucked for this?

There’s a mad dash through the store, and Nina comes by to check on them.

Nutless sees everyone run to the leash section and says that’s totes uncreative. So he’s gonna do something no one else does. No, not cry about his cancer being cured, although that’s a good guess. Who does that? No, he’s gonna make an entire dress out of fish poop.

Tim tells someone that they can use anything but it has to look different than it is. You can’t just take a dog bed and sew it into a skirt, because that’s too obvious. Cut to Matlock asking for help getting down a dog bed that he plans on making into a boring skirt. He says that he hates costumey type challenges and he’ll leave the clown looks to the other designers. Doesn’t Bill Blass (one of his mentors) do actual costumes? Matlock’s a total bitch. Thank God.

Chunky Christian is buying a lot of peepee pads, which is actually smart. You can go to the judges, get pissed all over, and still be fresh as a daisy on the bus ride back home. Bimbo is buying those big plastic cone things so she can stop licking her own butt every five minutes. Good buy! Now get something you can make clothes out of. Jersey Chore looks and looks, but can’t find what he’s looking for.

Deep throating? Barebacking? Butt munching?

You guys, what horrible thing is Mormon trying to hide on his neck?

You know that girl Julie who almost got sent home last week? I keep thinking she looks like someone, but I can’t figure out who. And then it hit me.

Her plan is to use dog food packaging as her material. Dammit! I thought she was gonna make one of the anorexic models wear dog food so during the lineup they’d all start salivating. Booo! Don’t worry though, Nina’s Soul Sister in Split Ends is going to use dog food as beads.

Please don’t eat your dress before it goes down the runway.

I think Ole Blue hair’s reaction pretty much sums it up.

I haven’t laughed this hard since the first time I saw Milton Berle in a diaper!

Chunky Christian’s plan is to dress his model like a giant leopard’s condom.

Bimbo is still trying to figure out how her plastic cone is supposed to help her stop licking her jay jay.

I can still get to it. Should I take this back?

Matlock jokes that he can see right through it, and Bimbo responds by condescendingly trying to feed him Jell-o. L Word bought orange stuff, but now she’s regretting it cuz she hates orange. Except when it’s on her shirt. Or her hair. Or her earrings. Huh? Come on now L Word. If orange was that scary you would have run out of the room the first time you saw Kors.

She says she’s super artistic cuz her parents let her run wild and use crayons on the wall. I have a feeling she’s got credit companies calling her ass all day long. No one who’s parents let them color on walls grows up to be a responsible bill payer. Of course, I got spanked a lot for shit like that and I suck at adult life too. My point is that I need to just stop typing.

Dolliver managed to buy every single beige item in the store. I don’t know if he’s talking wack on purpose or he was born like that, but it’s creeping me out.

And things with signs of any kind of human life.

He tells us that he is from Ohio, but when he was 16 he started traveling the world like one of those garden gnomes people send around the world. I’m waiting for him to say that he’s heavily influenced by Modonna so we can finally understand where the fuck that accent comes from. Sure as shit isn’t Ohio. Maybe he bites his tongue a lot.

Jersey Chore makes some pissing on people jokes and then realizes that he’s missing connectors to the aquarium tubing he bought. This guy has some, but he won’t share.

Who is this guy? Has he been here the whole time?

Every time he comes on screen my face scrunches up in confusion. I see him now, but I know I will forget him in twenty seconds. He’s so nondescript and says random anyqueen type stuff like “this isn’t fashion! It’s trashion!” I predict he will roll his head and snap his fingers and say “fierce” at least once this season. Meanwhile, Miss Trinidad is feeling bad about having to cut up a toy.

Ask Creepy Dolliver to help you.

As Don Knots tries to pattern her paper, she tells Matlock that she thinks it’s working. He responds, “yes, but you also think you’re the Queen of Austria.” HAHA. I like Matlock. I wanna mash up his chicken for him and bring him bottles of not wine. It figures these two would be buddies. They were both in Andy Griffith and Matlock! Now Project Runway. It’s a perfect show trifecta!

Dolliver says something about how Mormon “ne sing need step a out affa lass time he did judges”. You’re embarrassing Madonna and every country you’ve ever been to, Dolliver. Bimbo tells us that she is a spoiled rich girl. I’ll wait for the shock to pass as we watch her try to figure out the cone.

If someone doesn’t tell me how this thing works I’m going into the plow pose and calling it a day.

L Word tells us that she makes her living as a hairstylist. LOL! It’s like the time I had a three hundred pound Weight Watchers councilor. I just wanted to throw him some cocaine and laxatives every time he opened his mouth about anything to do with my weight.

Good hair starts at home.

She’s worried because everyone thinks that as a weirdo she should be excelling at a weirdo challenge and she’s not. Matlock isn’t worried about anything. He’s doing the exact opposite of what Tim said and using fabric from dog beds for his whole look. He doesn’t care! He’s got immunity! Besides, Tim hating your work often means an auto pass to the top 3. Let’s play a game! If you can tell me the difference between Dolliver’s arm, the dress form, and the dress he’s making in this picture, I’ll give you a million dollars.

Tim comes in to check on progress. It turns out NonDescriptQueen’s real name is Victor. Please remind of that the second he’s off screen. Tim loves the dress he’s making out of weewee pads, and even goes as far as calling it a “Depends dress. You never have to get up from your barstool.” HAHA! Then he poops himself and no one notices. Every thing that comes out of that man’s mouth comes from a place of knowledge.

Can I borrow this?

Tim hates the simple black beach coverup that Matlock’s making, and doesn’t hide it. Or he’s really horny. I can never tell with his face.

Mormon isn’t feeling confident, and he shouldn’t be because Tim loves it. DANGER! Pack your bags, Mormon! Dolliver shows Tim all the beige stuff he bought and I laugh like it’s the first time I’ve seen it all.

Tim waits for Bimbo to get her head out from in between her legs and then is so grossed out that he leaves without giving her advice. Jersey Chore babbles on about nothing super gayly and doesn’t let tim get a makeitwork in edgewise. Tim thinks it’s too ambitious. I think he’s gonna have a problem nail gunning this to a model’s back. You’re allowed to abuse to heifers, but you’re not allowed to kill them in the name of bad fashion.

Chore has been snippy about every other person’s work, so it’s hilarious to see that he has nothing. Except for crossed eyes, a bad spray tan and Ricky Ricardo hair.

Butt plug? Nipple clamps? Sit n spin? WHAT?!? WHAT IS THE CHALLENGE?!?

Man. If Hanna Barbara had seen the outfit he’s wearing in that pic above, the whole costume design for The Flinstones would have been rethought. Himberly doesn’t like any of Ole Blue Hair’s designs and calls them homely. Not disagreeing or anything, but you shouldn’t throw stones if you look like a man in a glass house. Or something.

And what’s wrong with cabbage? It’s good for your pipes!

Nutless, already on the defensive, tells Tim that he didn’t wanna just do something simple like use a dog bed. You’re lucky Matlock can’t hear very well or he’d be fit to be tied. He’s got nothing to worry about, cuz Tim is loving the birdseed he’s glued on his muslin. Scratch that. He’s got everything to worry about. If he had nuts they’d be scrunched really tight right now. We all have something to worry about. Tim just said “fabulocity.” Huh? Did someone tell you to youthen it up or something? Because I want five syllables, dammit!

Model fittings! Don Knotts has made a lovely placemat.

The model is so hungry pissed that her hair starts falling out.

Some guy I’ve never seen before comes on and tells us his dress is too tight.

And you are…?

Miss Trinidad tries to erase her sex tape past by giggling and being all cutesy with her bag of bones. It doesn’t work.

Dinnertime!

Matlock is complaining to his model and defending his work, saying that he’s not into costumes, like the model can do anything about it. She just wants to know that it makes her boobs look good.

It doesn’t.

Doughy Christian says that Matlock has a shitty attitude and doesn’t seem very excited to be here. Poor Matlock has realized what every alcoholic realizes when they stop drinking: sobriety sucks ass. Get off his back. Have you gotten Randy Travis out of a murder conviction, Doughy Christian? No. No you haven’t.

Jersey Chore has only a pair of boots that look like dog toys. His model starts chewing on them and he keeps trying to smack her mouth away while he figures out wtf to do. Bimbo is been thinking she’s hot rich shit, but unfortch her model is having the same problem as she had with the cone: if you’re showing yourself your ass, how are you supposed to stop wanting to lick it?

I asked my dog Xena what she thinks about the cone, and she said nothing. That means it’s terrible. Jersey decides to start gluing neon green aquarium rocks onto some muslin, and Bimbo starts sewing together cardboard. I love when contestants can be flexible and make two or three fug outfits in one challenge. OK not that flexible, Bimbo. Just because you decided not to use the cone doesn’t mean you can just go back to treating your nether regions like a brunch buffet.

Jersey Chore takes time out of his massive failure of a day and goes to tell Mormon what he should and shouldn’t be doing. Um, you only have dog toy shoes. Maybe you should, like…do something. No, not talking. UGH make him stop talking and crossing his eyes at me!

Ole Blue Hair, still feeling a little bit out of her element around all these younguns, pretends she’s gardening and shouts at kids to get off her lawn.

She tells her neighbor, Doughy Christian, that he’s looking fluffy. He gets pissed. LOL! She meant the pee pad dress, which looks like…a dress made out of pee pads.

Do I have hair on my teeth?

Jersey Chore is still walking around giving unsolicited opinions. UGH. SHUT UP. We don’t get to see what Mormon’s working on, and we won’t now cuz he’s finished with lots of time to go. He looks around and sees people glue gunning shit on every spare inch of muslin they have and it freaks him out. They’re not covering anyone’s knees or elbows, and he doesn’t see how he’s gonna win against a bunch of sinners in the “sex sells” game. Sad Mormon horns.

The next morning, Nutless thinks his dress form’s privates are choking, so he gives them the heimlich.

You, sir, have terrible bedside manner.

Miss Trinidad still only has rope tied around her dress form, and she’s worried that no one is gonna think she knows what she’s doing. Are we gonna have to hear that shit all season? Cuz there’s nothing worse than a pretty girl who hates herself. You’re thin, you’re cute, and someone had sex with you on tape for all the world to see. Don’t ask me for pity, woman. Tim comes back and asks how everyone’s doing.

He tells Jersey Chore that his work is fabulous, which proves yet again that I have no idea what fashion is.

If I stare at that too long I’ll be as cross-eyed as you.

Another model fitting and hair and makeup. Smoke break time!! Shit. I’m out of smokes. I have to watch it. Thank God too, cuz Dolliver is gluing hamster cage chips onto his model’s eyes so she’ll look as beige as he is.

It’s fashionable til a gerbil crawls out of Tim’s butt and poops in your eye.

Last minute running around time. Some people used insane materials, some used muslin, but somehow they almost all made the same boring ass dress. I think it’s supposed to be about how wild you can be, not how well you glue gun shit to a simple skirt and sleeveless blouse, but whatever. It’s all worth it when Nutless offers to glue his model’s spine into a non-scoliosis suffering shape in return for her gluing two tiny cat toy balls onto him.

Nina’s Sister in Split Ends says she doesn’t wanna look like a dog on the catwalk. But it’s ok in the workroom, the diary room, or the world in general.

Runway time! Fat Bitch Heidi comes out looking like she ate Dom DeLouise’s ghost.

Let’s say hi to the judges!! Hi Kors!

Hi Nina!

Hi Guest Judge Stacy Bendet! I looked her up, and she was profiled in New York magazine for being a young millionaire after starting a clothing line with a friend called Alex and Olivia. Who cares? Her biggest claim to fame in my book is designing a collection for Payless Shoes, who spelled her name wrong on their ad. LOL! You get what you payless for!

There’s some guy I’ve never seen before wearing a golf hat with a ball on top. Nutless is gonna find this person very offensive, I can tell you that.

Quaker has made a silver skirt and a rope top. I don’t get it. It doesn’t look like it was bought in a dog store, but the model does.

L Word’s skirt is cute, but it’s a skirt with a sleeveless topzzzzzz.

Nutless, using the almost exact same silhouette, brings out the model covered in birdseed. Wow. That looks way better than it did in the workroom, but I am gonna feel bad for this girl when she goes outside for a smoke and it turns into an Alfred Hitchcock horror movie. Birds are mean fuckers.

Matlock has made a nighty like he would if he were to sleep with a girl. The black is for mourning, and the veil is to cover her jugs. This whole thing screams fear of boobies.

Some guy I’ve never seen before makes a Sweet Charity joke. Wow. This guy makes my references seem modern. I hope he comes back again sometime.

Don Knotts’ dog food paper dress looks pretty decent. It totally looks like paper, but it’s not a skirt with a sleeveless blouse so yay.

Miss Thailand pulled through with a pretty rope top. That looks suspiciously like the top she sent out last week. The model’s boobs look ridiculous, but don’t all boobs? I feel like Matlock right now.

Last week’s

Doughy Christian’s dress looks like the insides of a medical waste bin and the top looks like expired cauliflower.

Himberly made a broken robot hooker dress, which is actually pretty cool.

Put your guts back in, bot!

Whoever makes something with sleeves should win the whole season. Mormon made the same shit everyone else did. He shouldn’t feel good about it, but it’s no worse than what we’ve seen.

Wanna see the same thing in a different pattern? Some guy I’ve never seen made this:

Why didn’t anyone make a dress out of hamster balls? Or poop bags? Or cat walks? This should be one of the most exciting challenges of all time and it sucks ass. I saw fat Armenian ladies in Ross Dress for Less today looking better than this. I can’t wait for the challenge where they have to design a collection using only Kors’ extra neck skin. It will be like a parade of skirts and sleeveless blouses made out of fried chicken.

Nina’s Split End Twin made the same skirt/sleeveless top thing in different materials. Falling. Asleeep. What’s a debt ceiling? Is that like a glass ceiling? Should women be trying to crash through it? And do guns shoot people or do people shoot people? If plants breathe what we exhale and we breath what they exhale, why do we eat them? I have questions, and this show is answering NONE OF THEM.

I’ve been calling Dolliver by the wrong name! It’s actually Dollivier, like the famous doll actor. SOWWY! You’re not gonna believe this, but he made a mini skirt and a (almost) sleeveless blouse. His top looks like the stomach lining of a Care Bear. And it’s beige. The surprises keep on coming. He did, however, make his model look fat so thanks for that.

As he marvels at how talented he is, I marvel at his beige teeth. God wasn’t kidding around when he chose the color palette for this kid.

Ready for a skirt with a sleeveless top? At least this one could march in a gay bird parade. I like it. Well, in comparison. It makes me hungry for Fruit Loops.

As she watches her work squawk down the runway, Ole Blue Hair tells herself “Nice work!” and then pretends someone else said it and nods a thank you. Fuckin weirdo. Skirt and sleeveless top time!

This is Bimbo’s dress. She decided to keep the cone to help her past her own licking issues, and instead shaped cardboard into a cone. What is it with this girl and cones? If you want ice cream, just eat it. Don’t take your hunger out on us. I’m talking about food a lot. I’m starving. If whales are mammals, then how come they’re not susceptible to the flu virus?

Jersey Chore’s poo looks the same as it did in the workroom. Like melted crayons on a car seat. Which reminds me to never put sperm into a woman and end up with brats who don’t understand how hard it is to keep up a car lease.

Quaker, Don Knotts, Bimbo, some guy I’ve never seen, Ole Blue Hair, Himberly, Miss Trinidad, Nina’s Split End Twin and Matlock are safe. But Fat Bitch points out that Matlock would have been in big trouble if he didn’t have immunity. He takes it like a man. Well, a bitter jowly complainy man, but a man all the same. So this means Jersey Chore is in the top? HOW?

The judges start with Doughy Christian. Kors says that he’s been here since fashion was invented and he’s never seen a napkin dress that looks decent. His included. Nina agrees and says that she needs some ketchup for the toddler foot she’s munching. The Payless shoe chick says it feels good to pay less.

Nutless is next. Fat Bitch Heidi loves the birdseed dress. It looks pretty cool from far away. Payless likes coupons, and Kors says that if this woman walked into a store she’d look chic if she wasn’t being attacked by birds. Nina loves it. I haven’t seen one evil frog waddle yet and I’m not happy.

Dollivier’s beigeality is loved by all. Like, really really loved. They gush. Nutless is pissed.

No one even points out that the model looks like she has saggy boobs and a muffin top because of the Beigeian.

Payless doesn’t like the eyebrows, but this isn’t Project Eyebrow. If it was, the challenge every week would be to fix Jersey Chore’s face.

Backwards cowgirl?

Mormon is next. I think it’s cool that he used an umbrella. The judges are all grossed out by his conventionality. Kors says the top makes the model look like she’s nursing triplets. Nina says it’s not terrible, but that’s not what her face is saying. Or her hair. Or her neck.

Everyone’s afraid that he’ll cry. Payless doesn’t care though. She disses everything about it. No tears. Boooo! Jersey Chore is next. He blahblahs about his work, and Nina says it’s all beautiful. UGH. Fat Bitch Heidi loves his work but not his model’s makeup. Bad makeup is contagious. The judges all agree that his look is wonderful.

Failene L Word is next. Fat Bitch no likey, and Failene agrees wholeheartedly. Nina calls it Halloweeny, which should sound like a compliment coming from her but alas, no. I love that Heidi disses the silhouette for being too simple. IT’S THE SAME AS ALL THE OTHERS! Look at Kors’ face right now.

LOL!

Payless says she could have made a ball gown with little kitten toys, and L Word argues that she probably would have been eliminated for that. Kors snaps “and you think this is going well?” HAHA! I love Kors. I just don’t want him anywhere near me ever. I get nightmares easily. I still have the one about the Milky Way I left in my trunk for months and forgot about. When I found it, it was all melted and inedible. I wake up from that one sweating. WHAT DOES IT MEEEEAN?

L Word goes backstage and whines. Dollivier tries to comfort her, but it’s in so many unintelligible accents that no one gets it. Doughy Christian gets pissed about the judges feedback and shouts that he doesn’t need advice. Then I won’t tell you that you shouldn’t wear Limited sweaters with shoulder pads in them.

It’s way easier being a doughy dude than a doughy girl. I don’t know why it’s like that, but sometimes LIFE SUCKS. Now go change.

He’s trying to get camera time by being a drama queen, but he’s being upstaged by the folds in Nutless’ armpit.

Would you put your armpit on your mother’s couch?

The judges repeat themselves. Fat Bitch says the worst by far is Doughy’s. Heidi wants to pee on it and Kors wants to barf on it. HAHA. They hated L Word too, and Kors says it’s a boring standoff. That was the whole runway show. Dollivier seems to be in the lead, but Nina thinks it’s too short. Heidi is calling him Dolliver. So confused. Heidi likes Nutless’ work better, and they get into a standoff. They say both dresses could be in the same show. Yeah cuz they’re the same fucking thing in different materials. Why aren’t they calling anyone out on that? And why do I care? I’m still mad that Tootie was out last week.

Dollivier wins! He says thank you in thirteen accents and goes to celebrate by blending in with the carpet backstage. Nutless is safe. Fat Bitch says he was her fave. Jersey Chore is safe. Doughy Christian is safe!! HOW?!? Heidi said it was the worst thing she’s seen in years. They’re getting rid of Failene?!?! NO! Heidi tells Mormon he’s on the bottom and there’s a reason for that: he’s a bottom. Mormon’s out!! He starts trying to sob, but nothing comes out. Failene sobs though. Not as much fun when a girl does it. Double standards again.

In his interview, Mormon says that he kinda sucks but hopefully one day he and all his beards will live on their own private planet with sewing machines and glue guns and no evil orange people to tell him he sucks.

Next week, Matlock loses his shit and they have to make clothes for people on stilts. I get that we complained about the lack of creativity last season, but you guys could maybe pull it back a little. See you next time!