Project Runway: Jackie O And Camel Toe

Previously, Passanova got shipped off to Puerto Rico in a blow up raft and I cried in Spanish. We open today with Zombie Hivy trying to apply eyeliner to the twitchy eye.

You’re gonna poke your eye out, Zombie!

The Project Runway Ambulance Corps is waiting outside already. This bitch died week two from drinking too many Diet Cokes on an empty stomach. She’s a fragile zombie. The editors have an obsession with dangerous eye tricks today, cuz the next shot is of Michaelths adjusting his own cornea with a pair of tweezers.

For goodness sakes, Michaelths! If you don’t like the man in the mirror, start asking him to change his ways. Don’t mutilate his eyes.

Men, tweezers are good. But they require some MODERATION. Take out a couple hairs and then BACK AWAY.

Congratulations. You’re now officially an albino.

Christopher watches Michaelths pluck for awhile and comments on how much quieter it is in their room. Yeah, cuz…you never talk. Like, ever. Unless it’s to agree with Wretch about something and she’s not here. Michaelth answers in a high nasally throat scratchy train derailing at high speed crack: “Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhhh?” EW. Shhhh.

I liked when it was quiet.

They’re already feeling the pain of Passy’s aufing. He took all the mushmouthed English sacrificing charm out of the place.

Voy a hacer ropa vieja puta señora y yo nos grosero hacerlo perra vieja arrugada de naranja!

Over in the other apartment, Chunky Mike is confessing to Trandy about getting snapped at by Heidi on the runway last week cuz he kept rolling his eyes at Hivy during her grilling. What is Trandy, your mom? Stop explaining your feelings, Chunk. Unless you’re crying. I love when you cry. Please cry. Trandy tries to make him cry by forcing him to stare at his belly button.

You wanna cry now?
No. I’m not gonna cry.
Cry. Look at ma belleh! CRY!
Are you a boy?

Other Asian (Really Guatemalan) Valerie teases Hivy about being so nonchalant on the runway while the judges called her a waste of dead space. Hivy laughs crazily. This could be because she isn’t hearing the words “waste of dead space” or it could be because she just caught a rat in the bathroom and nothing makes Hivy happier than snack time.

Hivy says she’s been told many times that she has no talent but she’s not gonna listen cuz she’s a strong woman! Honey, the people who kept telling you that weren’t being mean. They were giving you advice.

Don’t quit your day job. (air hug)

People have told her she’s not talented and has no chance, but if she had listened to them then she wouldn’t be here… being told she’s not talented and has no chance. It’s fate!

Chunky Mike has won a couple of challenges, so now he’s super smarmy and snarky instead of victimy and weepy. So does that mean you’re not gonna cry?

Not gonna cry.

He points out that opaque isn’t a color, but if it was a color it would be called Hivy. Or OPAQUE. Chunk is trying on a few different personalities this season. Each one of them is obnoxious. Try on SILENT for a change. Or cry. Please cry.

Nope. Not going to. I’m smarmy now.

Speaking of opaque: guys, something is wrong with Wretch. She’s the exact same color of the walls head to toe. If it weren’t for her red hair I would just think that wall needed retexturing. Or knocking out.

I’m sorry. This whole building will need to be demolished.

Fat Bitch Heidi meets the designers on the runway wearing a simple black cocktail dress with not so subtle hip camouflage.

Thank you for hiding those monstrosities from us, Heifer. TV is for thin people.

Chunk is doing his dreamy I love you smile while Fat Bitch stutters. She’s literally his angel, saving his ass week after week.

Touched by a Fat Bitch

With her haircut, Heidi is saying that she’s uncomfortable with their relationship.

Woah! Let’s just take things One Day at a Time.

 

Today’s challenge will be looking at the past to secure their future. Heidi’s like a fat little fortune cookie, ain’t she?

The whole concept of stepping back in time has Wretchen perplexed and intrigued. If you could take back even a second ago, say, you would have been able to tell yourself not to make this face.

She doesn’t want to be forced to make a corset. I don’t want to be forced into having flashbacks of a surly ass Denny’s waitress I had the displeasure of getting yelled at by once. Wanting doesn’t equal getting.

You said no bacon.

Tim meets the kids over at Capsule Studio, where photos of Jackie O are waiting for them! They will be assigned models that have been cheated on and publicly humiliated and the goal is to get them to be so classy that their second husband is even richer than the first. I don’t know of a woman who’s ever been treated shittier looking more golden.

Real love is for the birds. Real Chanel is the blood of life.

I wish GayJ was here. He’d put his girl in jogging pants with pompoms glued onto them.

Other Asian Guatemalan Valerie looks shellshocked at this idea, as if she doesn’t do sportswear every single challenge. Even her formals have sports bra straps on the back. Quit your whining OAGV! Oh, and Hivy is SO making these exact pants.

They get a hundred and fifty bucks and one day. Christopher says he loves sportswear and that’s what he always does anyway so this should be cake. I don’t have much to say about him. He’s not really on my radar yet. His hair is, though. Is that that spray hair they sell on infomercials? I want some of that.

I’m all for trannies expressing themselves in whatever way they want as long as it’s not showing me their inside out penises. But Posh might be offended that her hair has made it all the way to Santa Monica Blvd on the late Saturday night scene.

tranny spice

He’s planning on sending Jackie O’s spirit to sportswear war.

Just because you could step on a land mine any minute doesn’t mean you shouldn’t look adorable.

 

He’s all about making a statement. And his statement is “duck, bitch! INCOMING!” At mood, Mondo lets the fabrics speak to him. How bout listening to the fabrics on your own body? They’re begging to be put onto a thirteen year old girl so they’re not embarrassed to be worn in public any more. Please listen.

Tim advises Wretchen to be a leader, which is hilarious considering that’s why he ripped her a third vagina a couple of weeks ago.

Lead, manipulate and bully yourself to greatness, mkaaaay?

Hivy is totes lost, but thinks she’ll do something with white and black. Waiters need sportswear too. Just sew your drawstring pants and stfu. Michaelths is worried he made the wrong purchases, but his feelings are downright hurt when he gets to the cash register to check out.

Sir, are you allergic to the sun? That must be hard. Why are you crying?

Chunky Mike tries to make friends in the sewing room by dressing like Jackie O. Unfortunately, he looks more like a woman that is about to get stoned to death for accidentally showing her ankle in public, which turns the whole moment into a downer.

Mondo is confused, so he goes to Wretch for help. She gives him her best disappointed looks, but he’s still not inspired. I don’t know that there’s much that can be done to help whatever the hell fabric he brought back from mood. Unless his model is Qbert.

Wretch tells us that she’s a worried for Mond cuz his fabrics suck butt and she really wants him to hit the nail on the head. I want him to hit you in the head with a nail. But he would have to use a hammer first, and that’s an entirely different show.

Other Asian Guatemalan tells us how hilarious Michaelths is in the workroom, but all I hear are esses being hit on the head with a wet sock. Montage of him being not funny. He’s a hissing albino, so that’s at least different. He yammerths on about how he doesn’t do sportswear. The passing of Passy means more time with the people we didn’t care about before. Like this guy. I am hoping he’s being featured so much cuz he’s getting sent home today. Every time he talkth I wanna put a cork in my mouth and do my diction exercises.

Shhhhths

Wretchen’s doing her round of Tim Cunnt advice scenes, telling everyone how to be better. If she was a real friend, she would light a match, hand it to Valerie, and walk away.

Girl, Jackie O wouldn’t roll around her grave in that.

Valerie worries that her look is gonna be too edgy. Zebra print isn’t edgy. It’s over. Even zebras are embarrassed to be wearing that shit. She calls herself the Susan Lucci of the show cuz she’s been nominated a lot and won. Well, you’ve certainly got about as much ability as she does.

Anyone have a pashmina I can borrow?

Montage of Other Asian asking everyone within earshot what she should do. Don’t suck. You’re welcome. Chunk is working on some serious fug. He asks if it’s too “flight attendance”. I don’t know what that means. But is it hideous? Yes. Yes it is.

Now cry.

Trandy says that he feels bad that Chunk is making something so terrible but he won’t help him. He’s making cargo shorts from Old Navy, so his opinion probably doesn’t really count all that much. Tim comes in to check on progress. Sorry, Tim! Wretch Cunnt was already here. Go ahead and get your assless chaps on and head on over to happy hour. Just be sure to be back by “get your models to the White Rain hair and makeup room” line, k? Have fun and don’t forget to wrap it.

He starts with Christopher, who is making a dress for Jackie O if she decided not to shave under one armpit for a few years.

Tim’s worried about the strap. I’m still pondering spray hair. April says his dress looks like her grandma’s clothes. LOL. A slutty grandma. I hope somewhere Passanova wrote that down so he can remember to ask April for her grandma’s number. Lose a show/gain a client.

Other Asian Valerie is planning on making kinda leggings. Tim calls the idea vulgar. Which I think he likes because he’s awkwardly touching himself while he says it.

Then he throws his hand in the air like he’s high fiving Jackie O’s ghost.

AmmIright grrrrl?

Valerie starts peppering him with questions. Should I have back pockets or not? Should I make wider butted pants? Am I Asian or Guatemalan? Tim’s like um….I’m paid to freak you out and leave briskly, not write your magnum opus.

Who’s that?

Chunk laughs at his own bad dress, which is ingratiating. And absolutely deserved.

I know, right?

Zombie Hivy isn’t up to much and bores Tim quickly. He only has one question for her.

The maid hasn’t shown up to clean the greenroom today. Would you happen to know where she…?

Wadn’t me.

Tim seems to like Trandy’s cargo pants, and they are pretty cute. But waaaaay off challenge. Michaelths says Mondo’s dress looks like Jackio on shrooms in the desert. If Valerie were here she would be cracking up at that. But she’s not. Tim stares at all of the patterns Mondo’s using and wearing all together and has to stop production for a minute so he can go and clean up his bloody eyes.

Get out of there before Hivy smells blood!

Tim approaches Michaelth with his “I just watched that scene where Mo’Nique throws a TV at Precious’ head” face.

Tim’s “I just watched that scene where Mo’Nique throws a TV at Precious’ head” face.

The looks is justified. Michaelth is going for that Ye Olde Jackie O Rustic Inn look. Not much is done, but if he’s making a broom skirt he’s out. Christopher, ripping off Michaelths’ own self criticism, thinks it looks too “The Crucible”, and Tim says the skirt is Annie Get Your Gun. Well, Annie Oakley looked good enough to get a man in the end, so that’s probably not the best advice. Michaelth lifts the skirt a bit. Great. Now she looks like a banquet table. Go home.

Michaelths tellth Timth that he doesn’t wanna make the model look like she should be carrying a ruler to beat children with. I am dictating exactly what he says because Other Asian Valerie told me he’s hilarious. Tim says, naughtily, “Well that could be the other side of it.” Tim? Is one sick slut.

This just got creepy.

Fitting time!

The losing model should have to wear the losing outfit on the plane ride home.

Mondo’s model calls the herringbone very First Lady and Mondo corrects her. First Tranny. LOL. Oh no you guys. Look at what Other Asian Valerie’s doing! HAHAHAHAHAHAH

April says Trandy’s look is busted and there is no way Jackie O would be caught dead in that crap. Especially with the hungry butt part.

Jackie Ho

Other Aisan Valerie takes some time out from sucking to call Chunk’s dresses a Donna Karan rip, and Wretch makes fun of Michaelths wheat harvesty prairie home sex shop dress. HA. At least she does it to his face. Hivy? Not so much. Wretch tells us Hive is a good tailor but her design skills are butt. It’s ok, not everyone needs to be good. She says it like she’s handing out a well thought out compliment.

See? I’m totally nice!

At home the girls talk about Trandy’s wack pants. April says “they’re more Jackie Yo than Jackie O.” LOL dork. Over in the other apartment, Chunk is assuring Trandy that if Jackie O were alive today, she’d be wearing pants like that. Only because she’d have lost her fortune, like the rest of the country. Jackie O’s double recession pants. Sad horns.

Christopher makes a tranny joke about Mondo’s dress. Christopher just repeats everyone else’s jokes. Tim comes to the workroom and tells the designers that today isn’t a runway day. They have to create an additional item! Outerwear! Michaelth has been out since he was a toddler so he figures this should be easy. Other Asian Valerie isn’t happy and tells Tim that she already made a jacket and having another one over it would be very very bad. He takes a moment and says “I agree. I was surprised you made a jacket.” Snapple: Tim Gunn Is Over Other Asian Guatemalan Flavor.

Hivy is excited because she knows outerwear. Uhhuh. Get on that. May I suggest beige? Other Asian is thinking she’ll scrap her work and start over. She opts for a vest instead. April threatens to make a fanny pack. LOL. Back to mood!

Chunk comes across a fabric and Wretch walks right up and says that that was hers. WOW. He doesn’t fight her over it, because he likes to rise above stuff like that. In Texas we call that being a PUSSY. Hit her! Pull her hair! Stomp on her feet! Christopher is sad that for the first time he’ll be using animal fur. Then the editors cut to a memorial clip of the dog Hivy ate last week as a mid afternoon snack.

The designers get back to work. A lot of sewing happens. Wretch says that if Hivy is in a consistent mood then she’ll be in the bottom. She’s an asshole, but she’s right a lot. Mondo is making a cape and thinks he looks like Harry Potter in it. If Harry Potter was played by a thirteen year old girl. Wretch complains that Chunk has nothing until Tim gives him ideas. He knows that people are talking about he can be so lame and win twice in a row. He doesn’t get it either, but he’ll ride it til Heidi gets a restraining order on him.

Tim comes in to check on progress. He’s worried Other Asian Valerie won’t have time to finish, and he is still not sold on Michaelths’ skirt. Michaelth does the three faces of Tim for us, and his attempts at being a wacky queen are really wearing thin. I prefer hissing and crying. Trandy is next, and Tim says that the look is very Trandy. No word on whether that is good or bad, but Trandy is wearing a ballet unitard, a scarf, and troll doll hair so you decide. He’s worried about the crotch on the pants. “Jackie Kennedy would not have camel toe.” LOLOLOLOLOLLLLL.

Chunk tells Tim that he made three jackets and Tim gives him credit for the sheer volume of suck he’s able to pump out in a day. Tim thinks Christopher’s look is for a eunuch. HA. The next morning, everyone talks about each other. We’ve already done all of this. But wait. We haven’t done this.

Life is a cabargay old chum

He looks like Eddie Munster dressed as Adam Lambert for Halloween. The boys talk about how fabulous Mondo looks and I wonder how the poor kid doesn’t have any bruises. Admit it. If you saw Mondo on the street that day, you’d push him. I just threw an M&M at the TV. Mondo says the outfit was inspired by The Cotton Club. I wish one of the guys was inspired by the Breakfast Club so they could tell Mondo that Mondo is a fat girl’s name.

Michaelth asks him to tap dance and he does it. HAHAH is he wearing tap shoes? I FUCKING LOVE THIS SHOW. At the workroom, it’s time for last minute alterations and fittings. Other Asian and Wretch talk about how the judges won’t be calling Chunk out on being a plagiarist because they haven’t yet and he’s ripped off every design. Is that true? I don’t know. But I do know that if he did rip off today’s design, he ripped off a super tacky designer.

Trandy has made his camel toe into a vagina canyon. Time for makeup and hair! YAY! FF. Ten minutes to runway, Mondo breaks a zipper. He starts yammering about something and I realize that I bought my four year old niece that hoodie last year!

She looks manlier in it.

Michaelths only has two minutes left and he’s still on the sewing machine. You guys wanna take a couple minutes to find out what Wretchen thinks about everyone’s designs? Me neither. Let’s just pretend it’s not happening. What do you think of Kate Gosselin’s new body? Runway time! Fat Bitch comes out in leggings. I hope that Tim didn’t rub himself and call her vulgar when he saw her today. That would have been uncomfortable.

Oh yeah, that’s vulgar. Yeah omg hold it right there….vuuuuulllllgaaar. Ahh. Good seeing you today, Heidi. You look lovely. (adjusts nuts)

Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!

Hi Nina!

Hi guest judge Betty Draper!! With punk bitch eyeliner!

Bad mothering has never been so stunning.

Christopher is first. He’s gonna get points off for basically tossing a throw blanket onto his model as his outerwear piece, but I actually really like his silver dress. If April’s slutty grandmother really does dress like this, then she probably gets banged a lot.

Aprl turned Jackie O into a beer swillin biker chick. I don’t get it, but I like skinny girls with hairy shoulders so thumbs up.

I don’t think Nina likes it. You can tell cuz her throats inflating like she’s about to catch a fly.

Hivy made some lame ass sailor pants and a simple white blouse with a see through doctor’s jacket. Damn she is terrible. I told you she was gonna make those pants!

Luckily for her, she’s followed by Chunk. The judges probably all just forgave her blandness in a second. Pigeon toed secretary in her “it’s chilly in here all the time!” sweater.

And now a cocktail dress? No. Just no.

Only assholes wear sunglasses on their heads to a cocktail party. You’re out.

 

Wretch did another loose flowy hippie with a job dress. Blech.

Michaelths has made a rebellious teen chimney sweep dress handed down by a much fatter sister.

Other Asian Valerie’s vest jacket thing is ok, but the skirt is just wrong and we never see the blouse. Did she stick with a jacket blouse?

Trandy’s pants are pretty good looking, but I don’t know where the Jackie O is here. This girl could go hunting, river walking and bag piping without having to change once. Love the little sweater vest. Almost as much as I loved it in the J Crew catalogue like five years ago.

The crotch is somewhat better, but the butt is still a disaster. Mondo got the shape right, but the patterns are debilitating.

Chunk, April, and Wretchen are safe. I can’t decide whether to make fun of Wretch’s boobless bustier or Trandy’s Trump combover in this next one, so I’ll just let you see them both.

Wretch is completely dumbfounded that she didn’t win, and in the holding tank she ponders the possible reasons. Chunk can’t believe he’s not in the bottom, and April and Wretch just nod like they totally know what he means. Then Chunk launches into a big song and dance about how Wretch should have won because Jackie O would totally wear her outfit, but when he’s alone with the camera he says he was just lying and her pieces were bunk. He brags about what a pussy he is, which is just astounding. HIT HER!

Heidi calls Valerie out on putting a jacket over a jacket. She makes her take off the vest and LOL it is another jacket! Goodness. Kors says it’s a non design and sucky. He’s offended by the dress. Betty Draper hates the ankle boots. The judges don’t have one nice thing to say to her. Betty Draper looks like one mean bitch.

Here’s a plastic bag from the dry cleaners. You and your brother go play.

Christopher is next. His is Betty D’s favorite. Kors calls it elegant and sexy but isn’t liking the wrap with it. Nina likes it better without the shrug too. Heidi says it looks like a dirty old rug. LOL Fat Bitch. Michaelths’ work is called cheerleading ice scater schizo Jackie O from a mall. Kors goes on and on and ends by calling the whole thing insulting. Dang! These judges are super nasty today. It’s like they’re apologizing for Passy. The other judges jump on the bandwagon and kick him while he squeaks on the floor in the fetal position.

Heidi gives Mondo shit for his circus midget attire and says even though his work is nuts, it did follow the challenge and looks complete. Nina calls it fun and elegant sheik, and Betty Draper is just amused by his utter tininess. Kors calls Hivy’s work elegant and likes her tailored jacket. It looks cheeeap. Heidi thinks there are too many crazy lines on the front. She and Betty both love it without the coat.

Heidi says that Trandy sending this outfit out on a Jackie O challenge is hilarious. Then she laughs laugh and makes fun of him for awhile while his world crushes down before his eyes. Heidi yells about the butt crack munchies and she’s really mad. Trandy scrambles to come up with a speech because he totally wasn’t prepared for this. He says that he’s not a sportswear designer and Kors snarks “what are you a grand couturier or something? Come ON!” Wow. He hates Trandy so much right now that his face is actually moving.

Well, parts of it. Ok just the jowls but still, he’s mad.

Kors calls it MC Hammer meets Beverly Hillbillies grandma. Trandy is gonna break down, and Betty Draper is loving every second of it. Nina says it’s just a trainwreck, and Kors goes off again. Trandy argues “I tried to take a risk” and Kors snaps “well you did” and rolls his eyes. Damn. That was the harshest those judges have been in years. They were nicer to the guy who sent out a lab coat with rubber dishwashing gloves. The designers sit in the holding tank and lick their wounds while the judges take a break to bow down to Satan.

In private time, the judges mostly repeat themselves while Betty Draper looks pretty. Kors says that Trandy put his model in Nicole Kidman’s boots from Cold Mountain. LOL. Betty adds “and it’s her hair from Far and Away.” Ouch. A Far and Away reference? Auto out.

Nina says that Valerie’s terrible and boring and at least Trandy’s interesting. Michaelths doesn’t come off any better. Nina said it looked poor and sad. A horrible combination. They liked Christopher but seem bored with him and hated the shrug. Kors says it looks like a toilet bowl cover. Teehee. Mondo was original and still delivered a Jackie O look. Heidi liked Hivy’s but thinks it’s a little old lady. Kors disagrees, which explains a lot about his line. Nina says that it’s the most polished Hivy look of all time who usually sucks bawls. She brings up her first terrible outfit and says she’ll never forget it. HAHAHAH.

Mondo wins!!! And he is the clear winner! Atta girl! Christopher and Hivy, of course, are safe. Trandy’s in! It’s down to Other Asian Guatemalan Valerie and Michaelth. Backstage, Trandy tries not to cry and stands up for his hungry ass pants. On the runway, Heidi disses Michaelth and Valerie more and then she kicks off….Michaelths! !!!!! YES!!! He gives God a seriously dirty look.

He’s gonna go home, squeal out some tears, and then spend the next week angrily plucking every bit of hair off his body.

 

He tells Tim that he is totally fine for not taking his advice about the horrid skirt. Apparently you’re not, but whatever. Bye, Squeak! Tim had a little air taken out of his tires with that but he does a nice I told you so anyway. Michaelths keeps arguing and says that he stood by what he believed. Tim coos “yes you did. And it was your Waterloo.” HAHAH! LOVE TIM. Michaelths whimpers that he has to go look that up now. Headslap. You know who else I love? The editors.

I’ll say.

On his way out, he keeps sticking up for what he did and tries not to cry. As he leaves the studio, Hivy follows him with a knife and a fork. She’s really getting some manners as she gets comfortable in her dead skin.