Project Runway: Nina’s New Prescription

Previously, Hivy the Zombie took an axe to the head! WAAAAHHHHHH!!!! Tonight, I have no idea what’s gonna happen but the commercials were AWESOME. You know it’s gonna be a rough day from the start cuz no one can breathe.

This city needs a facial.

 

The girls talk about how crazy it is that they (and by they they mean Other Asian Guatemalan Valerie) are still around. April is young and impressionable, and from the looks of it she’s getting a little too close to Wretchen. The bland colors, the lack of melatonin, the neck pieces, the buns. I don’t approve.

(Forever) Single White Females

Project Runway Allstars: 2040

As Valerie yammers on about how Hivy shouldn’t have been murdered so violently since she mostly just ate fingers and small useless animals (no offense Swatch 1 and 2) and says she should have been sent home instead, Wretch nods in agreement. LOL biatch. Valerie refers to Hivy as “the other have of Tasian” which I am guessing means Team Asian. So she is Guatemasian! I love being kinda sorta right! Val seriously needs to stop talking now. SHhhhhhh. “But Hivy encouraged me!” And you’ve been sucking hard, so good riddance.

Wretch tries to make Other Asian Guatemalan feel better by talking about how talented Mondo is. Wretch is like one big bony pale hug that hurts your rib cage. Do you guys wanna know more about how Valerie feels? Cuz bitch is still talking. Me neither. Let’s go to the runway!
Fat Bitch Heidi comes out wearing a dress version of Wretchen’s neck piece. Yuck. When the hell did leopard print become ok again in daily use outside of Flushing?

Please stop eating already! You’re embarrassing Germany you fat slut!

Her clue is that they have to start this challenge from scratch. Her clues aren’t mysterious all the time. Last week she said they would win a chunk of change and they did, so I’m wondering if today they just have to scratch designs onto their popsicle sticks and push the bleeding twigs down the runway. That would be sick, but kinda awesome too. If only to see how long it takes scabs to heal on under 13 calories a day. After Fat Bitch is done with her hard day’s work, she goes backstage to sip on a carton of Crisco while the designers scurry off to meet Tim.

When they get back to the workroom, there are computers set up all over the place with pictures of them as children. You know how when kids are young you think “aw it’s just a homely stage. They’ll get over it!” Ah, the dreams of a parent. Generally, they don’t get over it. Which is why you should be able to put your child up for adoption until at least age 15.

Hi kid Chunk! This is the ASPCA. These nice people are gonna put you in a little cage for a week or so. It’ll be fun! Mommy will be right back. If a week passes and I haven’t come back, they’ll offer you a shot. Take it! It’s filled with Snickers! I want you to pray all week that mommy gets preggers again, k? Loveyameanitkthnxbye.

Other Asian Guatemalan plays around with pics of her family and I call bullshit. Why is Trandy in her pics?

Pre-op Trandy Dad: The Season’s Big Twist

Mondo whines about how hard it is to be without his family. Life can be rough without a mom there to warn you against dressing like a midget version of the MC from Cabaret. His baby picture looks like it was taken last week. I think he’s actually worn this outfit before.

Add some eyeliner and UgBets glasses and this could be 2010.

Wretchen cries when she sees herself as a baby waving like she’s on a parade float. From beauty queen to evil sustainable hippie freak in thirty years. Her mom looks like she doesn’t know WTF she’s in for. Yay for innocent moms who later get terrorized by the work of their wombs!

Tim shows up with Sue Sylvester! Wow. Glee is everywhere lately.

“I am going to create an environment that is so toxic, no one will want to be a part of that club. Like the time I sold my house to a nice young couple, and I salted the earth in the backyard so that nothing living could grow there for a hundred years.” – Sue Sylvester

 

Sue is representing HP today, cuz it’s another HP design your own fabric challenge! Remember when Emilioth just wrote his name all over the place? LOL. Even his fabric lithped. Chunk can’t wait to draw Big Macs on his and Wretchen’s will say “Do Not Park Or You Will Be Towed” over and over again.

They have to be inspired by a moment in time, and Lord they have some great options.

Mondo on his first day of high school.

 

Valerie is excited to be her own muse, but it worries me. Her dress won’t be able to shut the fuck up. Let’s spend some time with Trandy as he remembers his wonderful mom. And his penis.

I only had it inverted so she could hold me more comfortably.

 

The designers look on in bored horror as Chunk explains the underwear pic. He was outside twirling in a skirt and his mom made him take it off so he was stuck in his undies. The trauma! In case they’re not absorbing the sadness of his tail, he acts it out for them.

Chunkbuki Theater

The pic Other Asian Guatemalan Valerie chooses is one of her and her sister. So adorable and I am so jealous of the giant hair! Damn you genetics!

Her dad built the family house and even the bed she slept in! My dad? Couldn’t put together a freaking tricycle. My first time on mine, one of the wheels flew off and I went head first into the street. Luckily, I had plastic surgery and was given a gorgeous face.

In the end it all worked out. Thanks dad!

 

Val is designing her fabric based on her dad’s blueprints. The test comes out looking like a bruise, but construction’s not easy so I guess it works. Chunk’s siblings are named Peaches and Spanky. And he’s Chunk, obvs. Peaches must like peaches and Spanky must be a chronic masturbator. Those parents aren’t very creative. As kids, The Literal Family wore evil eyes around their wrists. So if Wretch somehow gets an eye gouged out today for inspiration, we know who to blame. Or thank. Chunk is making fabric with eyes all over it. LOL CHUNK!

In honor of Spanky, the family’s peeping Tom.

 

Wretch is multitasking today, making a fabric based on her mom’s jewelry. It’s homespun and at the same time kisses NBC’s ass, in case they ever want to make a show about malnourished thirty-somethings with severe cases of passive aggression and bad hair. Sounds like a hit to me!

Sorry Lipstick Jungle’s already been made and cancelled. Pass!

 

Christopher, who still barely even registers on my radar, gets me hopeful for some fun times. He’s designing around his grandma’s wrinkly belly button. That’s called innovation with the past right there.

He needs to put biscuit crumbs in the center to really pull this off.

April cries as she sketches a design based on her parents’ divorce. AW!! I like her mostly, so I don’t wanna make fun of that. I will say, though, that that divorce must have been hairy.

I guess this is better than writing “MY FAULT” all over a dress.

Mondo came out to his mom when he was 15 and she made him stay in the closet. That’s why he can’t really be himself. I don’t know how much more himself he could possibly be. He’s dressed like a taxi driving leather gimp on the way to prom.

Sometimes closet doors need locks on the outside so moms can properly do their jobs.

And if you’re gonna lock your kid in a closet and make him be less flaming, you might wanna lock him in a closet that’s not papered in hot pink cabana print.

Leather party in the closet of fabulousness! No fatties allowed!

After telling us how much he needs to open up to people, Mondo refuses to open up to April about where his sketch’s inspiration comes from. I don’t blame him, with her walking around doing a Wretch impersonation and all. He’ll tell us, though. His sketch is plus signs to represent his HIV status. Wow. Am I the only one crying right now? This show isn’t supposed to make me feel things. MONDO!! Come here and give me a hug you little rascal. He cries and tells us that he hasn’t told anyone about it and couldn’t bear to say anything to his parents because they won’t know how to deal with it. Thankfully, he’s done it on TV so they can deal with it using the FF button. Our son has a deadly dise….hey it’s a commercial for that fat girl show!

God bless his little heart. Let’s go to mood! Swatch the 3rd is nowhere to be found. After having two dogs eaten by zombie Hivy, the mood owners have wizened up and put the new store pet on hold until season 9 begins. Back at the workroom, we get an update on how Trandy’s hormone therapy is going.

Almost at an A!

 

Tim comes in and warns that “special guests” are on their way in and says “be nice to them, please.” HAHA. Uhoh. Wretch worries that the mystery guest is conditioner. When the guests come in everyone starts screaming. We have to wait for a commercial break! DAMMIT! Let’s make guesses. I’m going with Nina’s family.

It’s their own moms!! Valerie cries and Mondo’s mom walks in with hugs and some handcuffs and a padlock. This show is way too emotional for me today. I wish I could blame my period. Girls are lucky.

I love you mija! Now show me where the broom closet is and let’s get started.

How is he gonna deal with this? He’s gonna have to explain all the plus signs on his dress. Will he come clean or will he do a tap dance about math class? Wretchen cries because her mom is poor and has to take care of her dad who’s in a wheelchair and she’s gonna be the only one without a mom there. OMG. I’m feeling something for Wretchen. Cancel this show NOW. Her mom comes in and I start bawling like a little bitch! WAAAAAHHHHHH!!! This is supposed to be the most fun night of my week! Screw you producers! You guys will have to excuse me. I need to go have a cry/frozen Milky Way binge and man up enough to finish this shit.

Crying for Wretchen. This crime is unforgivable. BRB.

April’s mom is hot! Chunk sobs when he sees his son, and I took a break way too early. Why am I crying again? I need to stop drinking milk. There’re a lot of hormones added to milk. They say that’s why there are so many gay men now. If we all bought organic milk from Whole Foods there would be no more gay people. I don’t even know what I’m typing any more. The most awkward child/mom reunion is Christopher and his mom. EW!

There was a gay kiss on Modern Family last night too. This one was way hotter. It’s gay makeout week! Watch out, back of my elbow!

A steak, some bacon, blue cheese, Milky Ways, fingernails, and a Starbucks later, I’m back. The designers get the rest of the day off to hang with their moms. Other Asian Guatemalan Valerie talks to Yet Another Asian Guatemalan Mom. And then she talks more. And some more. And then…she keeps talking.

Where’s that waiter when you need him? I just flew here to see Billy Elliot.

Trandy and his mom visit the American Girl store while April and Stiffler’s Mom get pedicures.

Do you like my bun? I’m into sustainable stuff now.

Mondo and his mom chill on a park bench that Mondo’s chained to and Chunk spends his time talking about how mean everyone is to him.

Were you twirling in a skirt again?

His mom, who talks like a Corleone, basically tells him to man up and try to make friends. She’s awesome. He doesn’t cry, which is a huge letdown. I want to see her slap him. Wretch and her mom just talk over each other the whole time, which is annoyingly cute. So that’s where she gets it from. Mondo, after (sweetly) dissing the bracelet him mom brought him, decides not to tell her about his HIV status so that she can enjoy her first trip to NYC. Algebra Dress it is!

The next morning it’s Other Asian Guatemalan Valerie’s bday! She’s 29. The perfect gift for 29 is a bottle of fish oil pills and a good moisturizer with sunscreen, but no one thinks of that. Sad horns. Wretch is dressed, again, exactly like the bedding. She really needs to stop shopping at Bed Bath and Beyond. Someone tell her it’s bad for the polar bear population or some shit.

Trandy tells Chunk how off his game he is after seeing his mom. Then he gives free advertising to his doctor.

Trandy says he’s over all of this. Uhoh. I smell a wuss attack! CRY! DO IT! And not at something legitimately touching like the other jerks on this show tonight.

At the workroom, the fabric has arrived and Mondo gives Valerie a pin for her 43rd bday. LOL. Tim comes in to check on progress and tells April that if she sends that dress out like that her parents are gonna get divorced all over again.

Tim only has nice things to say about Chunk’s work, which means he’s probably out today. Christopher’s inspiration is water, which is the hackiest inspiration ever. Thankfully, Wretch Cunn T is back to give her opinion. She likes Christopher but not his work. Thanks for the input you bony witch! Go back to your Hare Krishna uniform of the week. That said, Christopher’s work looks like an Anything Goes community theater costume. Sailor pants?

REALLY!

Trandy hasn’t started and his print is pretty grey and blotchy. He’s calling it the memory bubble and pitching it to Tim pretty hard, but Tim gives him his “When I let you in my car I sincerely thought you came with a penis” face.

Tim’s “When I let you in my car I sincerely thought you came with a penis” face.

Trandy’s seen that face before and this time he doesn’t even try to get a twenty before he’s tossed out the passenger door. He’s over it and just wants to be with his family. Not good. I think we’ve all learned a very important lesson today. Be hateful to your children so they have a drive to succeed. OK I’m ready to adopt now.

Wretch is next. Chunk compliments her fabric, which is uncomfortable to watch. Tim doesn’t like the yoke on the back of her dress, but she’s gonna ignore that until she sees what it looks like. In the meantime, she’ll put on her Wretch Cunn T hat and trash talk Other Asian’s dress. And rightly so. It’s busted. Tim calls it an ice skating dress. That’s true, but Christopher made one of those last week and did just fine so who knows? Tim warns her that it’s looking like a pupu platter, which is racist if you ask me.

Other Asian Guatemalan Valerie’s dress was inspired by teenage memories of napkin folding when she worked as a busgirl that Guatemasian Applebee’s.

Mondo won’t share with Tim what inspired his fabric, but Tim didn’t just fall off the turnip truck and can pretty much tell what positive means so he pats Mondo on the head and lets him be. Tim tells the designers he is proud of them and then he starts crying! WTF is going on today? Come on Tim, you’re supposed to be the manly one here! Oh wait…never mind. Cry on. You guys I can’t watch Tim cry. Cuz then I cry. And I don’t like to cry. Cuz then I eat. And drink. And call people from my past and stuff. And cry some more. And then fall asleep on the couch to Paula Deen on a loop drawling “y’all need to add a few sticks uh butter ta that, y’all!” with mustard all over my face. In other words, BRB.

I’m back. The next morning, Trandy knows that he’s about to pop out some mediocre bs on the runway. The girls agree that he’s made poo and add that Chunk’s work looks likes it belongs on a witch. Completely seriously, the Bun Sisters assure Other Asian that she’ll be in the top three. Who doesn’t love dresses folded like dinner napkins? You’re golden, Val! Especially if the judges eat pizza or something during the critique.

Time for fittings! Chunk sings some bizarre country song rhyming french fries with different words. People laugh but I just get hungry for french fries. Trandy says that Chunk has gone from being the villain to being someone everyone kinda sorta likes as long as he’s not in a huggy sobby mood. Makeup time! YAY! FF. Chef Other Asian Valerie is more confident today. Or on pills. This pic is evidence to the latter. And God bless her. Medication is made for you to be healed, girl! Use it!

Master Heif

Wretch Cunn T goes around making last minute comments on peoples’ designs and then it’s runway time! Fat Bitch Heidi comes out wearing a paint splattered dress with big weight belt off the streets of Little China to cover her GIANT FUCKING FIGURE. If this was sent down the runway it would be laughed off it.

Hey Heidi, seriously, learn what the word bulimia means. Your triglyceride levels must be through the roof. People like you are gonna run our Healthcare system into the ground.

 

Mondo showed up to come out of the closet today. You can tell cuz he’s wearing the same hair that Rosie O’Donnell wore around the time she came out. But his version is way softer. And the ole Indian bank robber mask hanging casually around his neck shows rebellion.

Flock of Gaygulls

Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!

Hi Nina!

Ew you guys! Kors just blinked his eyes independently in slow motion like a lizard. Back away from the chemicals, Kors! You’re not laying on a rock in Palm Springs, babe. You’re on TV and you need your eyes to judge things. You have to at least be able to control your blinks.

Hi Rachel Roy! Rachael Ray would have been better. She could have thrown sticks of butter at the bad designs and looked adorable doing it. This Rachel has designed for Michelle Obama. Like every other Guest Judge this season. Michelle Obama gets a lot of free shit. I am already resenting this Rachel Roy chick. She’s too gorgeous to be talented, right? The world needs balance.

Gorgeous, talented, rich, knows Opes. I’m so…happy for herbitchI’mfixintoswatya!

April’s up first.

Pretty! How can she possibly turn this into a slutty funeral dress?

And…scene.

My guess is as a child April was involved in gymnastics, ballet, and swim team. I don’t get it. Did April’s dad leave her mom because she had really bad vericose veins on her right arm?

Trandy’s next, and he wasn’t kidding about not doing his best today. He should just tell the judges “when I was young I was slutty, depressed and poor, so that was my inspiration.” It’s the only way he’ll get out of this thing unscathed.

Mondo’s work deservedly gets a gasp as it comes out. Yowza, Mondito!

Trandy almost shits himself, and April just wallows in delusion.

LOL.

Valerie tells us that her dress is “REALLY ME!” Well it’s a mess and it’s loud. See-through top and a miniskirt with folded fabric cut outs sewn onto it. She looks like one of those giant rotating monsters that come at you inside the car wash.

I know there’s a windshield there, but I get scared every time.

Wretchen did Mad Men in summer. It’s pretty but kinda blah. On closer inspection, it’s creepy because the model looks like April for a second. But April dressed like Wretchen would want her to dress. EW!!!

April let’s be friends. Shhhh. Don’t speak. Let’s start by putting your hair in a bun. Isn’t this fun? We’re friends! As a friend I bought you these new pants. And this shirt. And this personality. Shhhh. Just drink me in like a glass of milk and leeeearn.

 

This look is her best in awhile, to me. Yeah it’s kinda casual and boring, but it’s supposed to be inspired by her own life so there ya go. Her print is cool and the blouse is perty. Still got mad hate for her though.

Chunk has made some kind of armor. Unfortunately, you can’t shield yourself from tackiness. It’s just something that grows inside of you. Wait! I get it! It’s a dress, but he’s got a tie drawn through the belt. Cuz his mom made him take off a skirt when he was young! Deep and cartoonish. Ummmm. Sorry I am still typing but I can’t stop staring at it.

Christopher’s Anything Goes pants are next. Wretch oohs and ahhs about how “California Girl!” the model is. I can assure you that’s not true, so please don’t cancel your upcoming vacation to California. We’re broke as f. Christopher agrees and adds that “she looks like a cool breeze!” I wish there was a cool breeze so she would have to put on a floor length coat. That shit’s FUG.

In the back, she has an uneven bright white line coming out of her crack.

Hungry butts are soooo Cali.

Fat Bitch warns that the judging is gonna be all over the place tonight. She keeps them on the runway and starts with Wretch. Heidi loves the whole thing. Kors likes her pants because they remind him of Olivia Newton John in Grease. He calls the look disco earthy and means it as a compliment. He didn’t like her pattern much though cuz it gave her model “fried egg boob.” HAHAHAHAHAH!!!

Rachel Roy agrees with him way too profusely. You agree with Kors. That must mean you’re really talented and not just unfairly hot. He liked it overall, however. Nina liked the print but flat out says that she expected more than this boring dreck from Wretch. Rachel Roy gives it an “almost”. Ouch. Chunk is next, and Kors says it looks like a jokey man’s tie tucked in the belt and it comes off as a joke. Heidi liked the jokey part but thinks the print should have been better and his styling is gross. The judges all agree, and go on about it for awhile. Nina is downright offended by how bad the styling is. She’s not wrong, but it’s hard to hear from a woman wearing a black tube top thing under a hippie ho top. Is this casual Friday for Nina? Is she depressed? Cuz Nina doesn’t dress like this.

Christopher’s from California so he’s got a water influence! Here we go. Guess what pretty much every person in the world comes in contact with every day? WATER. Non-personality Christopher creating around a non-inspiration is the only thing about his work today that fits. Rachel Roy’s like um no. Nina says that this isn’t fashion and the same can be said for a lot of them. Heidi wrote down “Safe. Nice. Boring. Buy condoms. Learn English. Lose Weight. Milk. Diapers. (doodle of a heart)”

Christopher tries to stand up for himself but Nina interrupts to explain just how lame his work is. This face pretty much says it.

Kors tries to rephrase “you suck” as nicely as possible, but Christopher’s butthole is ripped already. For the second time in two days. His mom is a giant compared to him you guys. Trandy says that he was going for “relaxed.” Rachel Roy likes his print and goes on about it. Ugh. Then she says “but the outfit itself is just so odd and confusing and upsetting to me I just don’t understand it.” HA. Ok I am starting to like her. The short shorts should be sexy but there’s nothing sexy here. Nina says it would make her depressed if all the fetus genes from her morning toddler shakes didn’t erase all of her human emotions. She’s disappointed. Oh wah. Trandy cries about missing his family. Nina hates tears. Look at her wattle inflate with poison.

Grow a pair ya whiny tranny. Are you seriously crying for your mommy right now? I’m glad I didn’t have the chance to blend you into my morning shake when you were a fetus so I never had to taste WEAKNESS.

Kors likes the print but says it’s dumbed down and banal and the model has sad weepy face boobs. HAHAH.

Good call.

 

Heidi flat out calls it unwearable and Kors says Trandy choked. And choking is one thing a working tranny can never do. April tells the judges her work is about a bad divorce, and Kors says that her clothes always look like they’re fighting each other. He says it as a compliment. Huh? Nina loves the pattern, and Rachel Roy calls it her favorite. ?? The tree up the arm is pretty cool. I hadn’t noticed that. Still, ew. Heidi loved it too but not the poofiness. Other Asian Valerie pitches her dress, but on close inspection it’s worse than we saw before.

Heidi calls her out on making the same damn dress in the party store challenge. BUSTED!!! I didn’t notice that! I knew I had made that busboy folding napkins joke before! Valerie wasn’t kidding when she said she was gonna do what she did in the beginning of the competition. She meant it literally.

Way better the first time.

 

Oh, Valerie! What an embarrassing way to go. I feel bad for her. But worse for her model, cuz she got way less hot in a matter of weeks. Kors lets her blatant self robbery go and instead rags on the dress for being construction paper shapes with bad layers and colors. Nina looks at her like she looks at homeless people with “why lie? I need a beer” signs.

Rachel Roy says it’s just really poorly made and disgusting. Mondo trembles as he says that his inspiration is very personal but he won’t give deets. Nina laughs that she wants to know what the story is. Commercial break! HEY! When we come back, she’s dropped it. Rip off!!! She loved it completely. The end. She gasps in ecstasy when the model takes off the jacket. That has NEVER happened, has it? I don’t ever want to have to see that again.

Nina’s gasping made me feel gross. So I watched it four more times. Moving on. Rachel Roy hounds him about his inspiration, but he still won’t say anything. Heidi tiptoes a little. She says it’s great, period. Nina compliments him more and then the judges just sit there and stare at him in silence. As rigged as this moment is, I start bawling like a little bitch immediately. After a long awkward pause, he tells Nina that his pattern has to do with who he’s become. A man living with HIV for ten years. Nina is crying. I’m crying. Chunk is crying, and not even in the fun way. When he finishes, Nina says thank you and Heidi says that was a really brave thing to do. He smiles and says that it felt good. Happy chick flick guitars play as he says that he feels free of it now. And then I sob. WAAAAAAAAAH!!!! This show is killing me.

Yes, we could nitpick and say that coming out to the judges was kinda dampened by him coming out to millions of people on national TV first. I don’t care. If it was a trick, it was a good one cuz I just had to blow my nose twice. Into a paper towel. It was a big load you guys. Backstage, Wretch kills the moment by saying how grateful she is to be a part of Mondo’s HIV storyline. Earnest nod. Mondo tells us that he was guided to speak at that moment to help someone else and man, you know what? Please let’s get back to being shitty, k?

I should have used my “used to be a man” story tonight. Now it’s worth NOTHING.

When we cut back to the judges, Nina has Kors’ arm twisted around his back, yelling at him to swear not to tell anyone she had real live tears and a gasp in one episode or she’ll tell everyone that he stole the skin for his face off the backseat of an old Volkswagen.

They start with the looks they hated the most. Roy says the worst was Trandy’s sad gogo dancer look. The judges are all disgusted by it and Heidi says that falling apart isn’t acceptable. Kors says fashion isn’t for sissies. Then who the fuck is it for? Other Asian Valerie doesn’t get off much better. Nina says it’s a rip off and a bad one at that. Christopher was violently boring. Nina can’t remember one thing he’s done. Snapple: Nina’s Sweet Truth Flavor.

Heidi likes Chunk’s bizarre cartoon, but Kors hates it and Roy and Nina scowl and call it old looking. The top three are all deserving of being top three though. Nina still won’t be nice about Wretch’s work, but when Kors calls Wretch the best stylist, no one argues. Heidi is disturbed by April’s tortured personality. I’m disturbed by your four hundred pounds of ass. Please do some butt clenches while you’re sitting there and stop dreaming of turkey dinners. Roy and Kors say that doesn’t matter, but they’re not thrilled. Mondo’s work is fabulous all around and Kors loves that he found the positive in positive.

April’s in! And disappointed. That bun is unlucky! It’s between Mondo and Wretch. Nina didn’t like Wretch’s work and Wretch didn’t make anyone cry so duh, MONDO WINS! YAY! He goes backstage and cries and tells us yet again how haunting it was to have that secret. OK Mondo yay but PLEASE stop talking. You’re kinda ruining it. Wretch gives a final “I have polio” plea but Heidi says they can’t just take the win away from Mondo so gtf off stage. Then Mondo talks about HIV some more. OK I have no more tears. Let’s talk about that facebook movie. I LOVE JT!

Chunk’s in! Christopher’s in! Oh no. Sorry Valerie. They’re not keeping her over Trandy, no matter how bad he was this one time. He’s their first official tranny and it’s a rewarding experience for the audience to see how big his boobs can get by the end of filming. Sure enough, Other Asian Guatemalan Valerie is out. She gives a big DARN! snap and tells us that she was totally proud of her rip off dress and has no regrets. Then she goes backstage and cries and starts babbling on and on and on, giving thank you speeches to each designer like they just surprised her with a “Happy Fiftieth Anniversary” cake. I’ve never seen someone giving acceptance speeches after winning a bus ticket back to Guatemasia. You guys seriously? She’s still talking. Shhhhhh.

Tim comes in and hugs her as she sobs all over her nice suit. She falls to the floor sobbing until Tim kicks her to make sure she’s not dead and calls the maid in to mop up the snot and the crazy bitch off the floor.

Once she’s cleaned up, Tim hugs Mondo and gives him props for being so brave. And winning three in a row!!! DANG BOY!!! Next week, Mondo turns into a total diva bitch face (that didn’t take long), someone gets accused of cheating, and hopefully Nina doesn’t make this face:

Thanks for being here you guys. I cannot WAIT to hear what you have to say about this episode. It was bloody hell on my end, but one of the best episodes they’ve had. I’m puffy eyed, depressed, and extremely full right now. How bout you?