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Previously on Project Runway, Nina got a new too tight shirt that made her torso look all foldy, Matlock Bert came closer and closer to having a drink, and Don Knotts was sent packing.
You bungled a case and the villain got a terrible new outfit. Boooooooo!!
The designers wake up to presents. Matlock is all bitter and confused, which is a present for me.
What presents? Who’s dead? Did one of my neighbors get accused? Cuz I’m tired. You wanna get me a present? Get me a hot dog dagnabbit.
The gifts are gym clothes. The boys all start freaking out. The only good thing about gyms is peeking at wieners after five minutes on the treadmill, and there’s not really any kind of eye candy to look forward to in this cast. Well, besides Matlock, but the hottest thing on him is his giant wattle, and everyone sees that naked all day anyway. Nina’s Sister in Split Ends won’t get out of bed. She’s depressed and very pixelated. It’s a good look for her.
Closest thing to a Glamour Shot this chick will ever get.
Split Ends is depressed and “ongree” about Don Knotts getting sent away. Her roommate Ole Blue Haired Martha Plumpton tries to get her to feel better, but she does it by talking to her in the same really high pitched voice she uses to try and coax cats out of trees, so it just makes things worse. Split Ends mumbles “I no weareen anyteen.” Martha Plumpton is scared at the thought of a naked Split Ends moping through the next two days. So is humanity.
The other girls deduce that this must be some kind of gym clothes challenge. Or maybe it’s for fat people who lost weight and are trying to hide loose skin. I think that was Bimbo’s guess. It horrified me. But also intrigued me. I could use some of that shit. It’s a PE challenge! Himberly says she’s not gonna just coast because she has immunity. There is no immunity in PE. There was a kid with Leukemia in my PE class as a kid, and the Coach made him power walk while we played flag football. The theory was that it would make the kid stronger, but he just got paler and paler and eventually changed schools. PE ruins lives, you guys.
They meet Fat Bitch Heidi at the track. She’s gnawing on a bucket of fried chicken, so Tim is there to help. There will be four teams of three, and one captain each. No one wants to get paired with Matlock, and Matlock wants to be get paired with no one. Mutual disdain is so much easier than winning friends and influencing people. The captains will be the winners of a race around the track. On behalf of chunky people everywhere, I am mortified. Since I am not on the show to display my annoyed, pasty, “skinny people get all the breaks” face, I’ll put up Martha Plumpton’s.
I’d like to see Kors do this. His orange ass would be dead before he made it half way. How does this have anything to do with fashion? They should have to run on stilts, then it would make more sense. Split Ends has the same reaction to PE that I do. She throws up on herself, sobs in the fetal position, and QUITS!! WTF?!?! She doesn’t have Leukemia, so Heidi can’t make her stay. She whines that she hates it here and eets too hhard and che ees helping no one by beeen here. Huh? Who’s helps others by being on Project Runway? This is about taking a shortcut to not having to work at Fantastic Sam’s any more, girl. It ain’t charity! If you’re not helping someone then you’re doing something right! She tells us that che spande a long time tryeen to become da womayn che ees. It takes a lot of passion and drive to become a QUITTER. Lata, sucka! Does this mean Don Knotts is coming back? PLEEEASE?!?!
The rest of the designers frown and smile at the same time. It could be conflicted emotions. Or really fucked up surgery.
They get over it pretty quickly and run their lap. Poor Martha power walks to the snack bar, Jersey Chore swings his arms like a little girl being chased by bees, and Dolliver falls down. LOL! I mean awwww! Jersey Chore comes in first. No fair! That queen works out and is most likely a raging coke head!! I call BS! Doughy Christian is next, followed by Nutless and Icktor. Doughy Christian beat Matlock? I thought that would be a tie.
Matlock takes a couple of hours to finish the lap, but he does it, dammit, and he doesn’t lie on the ground after, either. Dolliver is pretending that he’s never had bruised knees before. He lies on the track and tries to teabag a medic. Show me on yourself where the medic touched you, Dollivier!
Dollivier gets dizzy in fourteen different terrible accents. He can’t feel his arms or legs. Not that that’s anything new, but still, everyone is worried. Not Matlock though. He’s kinda laughing. LOL. PE kills millions of gay dolls a year and must be stopped. Eventually, the medic winds him up and sends him on his way. You can’t kill dolls. But they can kill you. Don’t say I never warned you, Fat Bitch.
Jersey Chore gets Miss Trinidad and Doughy Christian takes Himberly, who does a happy kick and strains her nuts. Heidi makes a paramedic joke, which Dollivier thinks is hilarious.
Sad fake accent horns
Nutless takes Bimbo, and Icktor takes Dollivier. Plumpton is on Jersey’s team, and Doughy Christian takes a loooong time to choose Quaker over Matlock. It’s between pasty and pasty. They are down a designer now, so Icktor gets to choose a kicked off designer to come back! And it’s Gay Mormon!! Jersey Chore just got a boner. Ick says he chose Mormon because he likes his full body underwear and besides, he deserves a second chance because he “want to learn more”. Huh? Is this Phoenix Online? He doesn’t know shit, and that’s why he’s gone. If he wanted to learn more, he would have gone to school instead of holing up in the Times Square Ramada praying to Joseph Smith that Fat Bitch would call him out of the blue and offer him another chance at failure.
Heidi has a line of tennis shoes, so the challenge is to make three looks on each team to go with the shoes. UGH. Please give me a break with the shameless plugging. Heidi has enough damn money!! If we’re gonna have to sit through an hour and a half commercial, I wish the challenge would be to make outfits out of tupperware found on the GLAD accessories wall. Martha Plumpton would finally have a chicken leg up.
They have to use either denim or suede or Chinese toddler sweat, since those are the materials her shoes are made of. The winner will get a pair of Crocks and a ride on top of a cab or some shit. Jersey’s team “caucuses”, and I sit and wait for Jersey’s inevitable cock-us joke that never comes. Martha Plumpton’s ideas are shot down right away, and he says that he picked her because of her fun energy, but “I don’t think of her as a fashion icon.” LOL. And I was worried that he somehow learned not to be an obnoxious queen for an entire segment. I’m sure Plumpton is watching this at home really worried that the spray tanned cross eyed fagito burrito with Ricky Ricardo hair doesn’t think she’s Jackie O.
Doughy Christian wants to make a reversible dress, and he is getting along great with Himberly and Quaker. Matlock is sketching lots of Dynasty clothes, and no one’s loving it. He says he feels like a skin tag, and he’s not far off. Time to go to Mood to watch Jersey Chore say no to everything Martha Plumpton picks out. Matlock gets no respect either. Chunky older people who don’t like sun are really getting the shaft today. I think all of us who aren’t fifteen and skinny and spray tanned and cross eyed should get together in Times Square and commit mass suicide so the kids can turn the world into what they desire it to be: a big no talent orgy of bad English, skinny jeans and Miley Cyrus vagina shots on the internet. Fuckers.
The designers get back to the workroom, which means it’s time for Doughy Christian to tell us how much it sucks that he can’t seem to design anything good when he’s on TV. Oh wah. Wait. I think someone’s strangling a cat. Where’s Matlock? No, that’s not it. Someone’s strangling a baby. Nina? No. She doesn’t strangle. She munches on them while they’re still crying. WHAT IS THAT NOISE?
Oh. It’s just Gay Mormon laughing. Yikes. I hope whatever desperate girls his family marries him to don’t let him watch any sitcoms or their heads will all explode.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It didn’t. It’s still just standing in the shoulder. Nothing silly here. Let’s play the quiet game.
Jersey Chore and Miss Trinidad whisper their designs to each other so that Martha Plumpton can’t hear. She offers to help, but Jersey just roll/crosses his eyes at her and spits his venomous gayness everywhere like a flaming python. He says flat out that he just wants her to sew his designs and stop trying to actually design stuff. HATE THAT ASSHOLE. Hate hate hate him. And most of all, I hate that when you see a queen like this, all orange and lispy and queeny, you KNOW he’s gonna be a piece of shit at first glance. It’s bad for all gays and spray tan businesses everywhere and he must be taken down and sent back to the Drag Queen Bingo night at Hamburger Mary’s that he crawled out of. I have a theory that gay bashings across the country rise whenever this show is on, and when I prove it I’m gonna sue Lifetime and become a kagillionaire.
Gay Mormon’s just happy to be back. He smiles and giggles and tells us that Icktor is just so “awethome.” Not going so well on team Nutless, though. He hates Matlock, Matlock hates everyone and everything. Bimbo just wants some peace, so she gropes a dress form. We all handle pressure differently.
Sexual harassment can be peaceful if you can find a voiceless victim.
Let’s watch Matlock bloom like a beautiful flower.
Matlock wants leather, but he forgot Nutless’ name so he can’t ask for it. LOL!!! He says that some names he’ll remember, but only if the person in question isn’t insignificant to him. LOVE IT! And I totally agree,….er…. Matlock.
Miss Trinidad is making Martha Plumpton do more of her sewing because “I never makey sewy jersey before love you long time suckyfuckyfivedolla.” Jersey bosses Martha around too, and she’s starting to suspect that she’s just the intern. DINGDINGDING! Jersey tells us that if she doesn’t get the picture, he’ll paint it for her. I predict his painting will be tasteless, tacky, and skill free. Martha is there to be his and Miss Trinidad’s bitch and she can go back to her old lady clothes next week. HAAAAATE YOOOOOOOOOOU.
Just as ugly on the inside as you are on the out. It’s the first time I’ve seen you match.
Fat Bitch Heidi is wheeled in on a dolly by Tim because she’s too fucking fat to walk. Gay Mormon sees her and poops up his breakfast bar. He calls her the Queen of Doom. LOL. Doughy Christian is scared too. Heidi has bred true fear into the hearts of (semi) men. For that, I will always love her fat, stretch marked, baby factory of an ass.
They start at Doughy Christian and Quaker’s station. He’s made a cowl neck, which is trouble, because Nina told him in plain broken English last week that she HATES cowls. Heidi tells him it’s the hackiest idea she’s ever heard in her life, and Tim hates Quaker’s leather dress. Himberly’s nuts tighten and they decide to start over. Bimbo calls Doughy a “sunken ship” and says he should have run slower so someone else could lead. HAHAH. I have been waiting for Bimbo to emerge as an empty headed bitch stereotype, but she hasn’t yet. Sure, that wasn’t very nice, but it was true, and it was said as kindly as possible. It almost makes me believe that sometimes I’m too judgmental.
Icktor and Dolliver aren’t faring much better. Heidi calls their work farm clothes, and Tim says it looks like Auntie Em is being forced onto a motorcycle. HAHAHAH. Gay Mormon is under the table practicing saying “I’m straight” over and over with Icktor’s dick in his mouth. Brainwashing and diction practice all at once. Well done, GayMorm! The rainth in Spainth fallth mainly on the plainth.
Heidi has told both teams so far that she wants “cool”er stuff. How bout you come up with some challenges that don’t involve money flowing directly into your pocket, fatty! If anyone’s being completely non creative this season, it’s YOU. Team Nutless isn’t getting off easy, either. Heidi complains and disses stuff, and Matlock is stuttering. I think he loves Tim. Who doesn’t? Heidi says Jersey Chore’s boring design is on the runway every single week. They like what Miss Trinidad designed though. So who cares that she didn’t sew a stitch of it? Tim flat out asks Martha Plumpton what she’s been doing, and she says just getting the team coffee and sewing everything they tell her to. He warns her that she’s gonna be thrown under the bus, and she says that in chicken fights with busses, they always stop first. No bus driver wants to see their baby dented. She hadn’t even considered the idea that evil queen Chore might betray her, and that’s super cute. And by cute I mean STOOPID. She has three hours left. Get to glue gunning some feathers and leaves onto some shit, girl!!
Heidi hates everything, so she gives them til four in the morning to come up with something to make her New Balance line look slightly less cheap than it normally does. They leave, and Jersey Chore is ruffled. He snaps at Martha and tells her to shut up with her design suggestions because everyone knows her work is dowdy. She walks away, but he follows her to the sewing room and keeps bitching her out about what a dumpy baby she is. She starts sobbing. Then he starts being even more horrible and tells her she’s a big pasty dowdy baby and if she’s tired she should take a nap. Um, doesn’t seem to work for you. You sleep every night and you’re the most tired queen I’ve seen in a long ass time. BITCH. Martha runs away, sobbing. I wish she’d stab him right in his crossed eyes with a pair of scissors. No jury on Earth would convict her. GLAAD would send her a thank you card.
The gay bashing in America has plummeted since you murdered that tacky c word. Here’s a gift certificate to the Olive Garden. Love, GLAAD.
Martha sobs in the bathroom with a Snickers bar and slams the door on the cameraman. LOL. Long live Martha Plumpton!! I now hope she wins and makes a final collection based on birds and gardens. When we come back from break, Jersey Chore is in the bathroom apologizing. Not because he’s a raging cunt, but because “the day is just stressful for everyone.” That’s not really an apology, he just doesn’t wanna have to sew his own terrible designs. Martha says that she feels old and like no one thinks she can make cool clothes. Oh, Martha. Young people don’t spend money on clothes anyway. They buy crappy cheap stuff. Older people WITH JOBS have to get dressed in the morning too. You think Kors is a trillionaire because he makes Forever 21 crap? No! He makes elastic waistbands in a sensible poly blend with little pads on the crotch for those times you go over a speed bump and pee a little. And God bless him!!
I am reading this through to spell check (can you believe that I do that? I know you can’t tell.) and realized I didn’t put in the part where Jersey Chore said Martha’s clothes were for people between forty and death. Even after I have finished this recap and have had time to calm down, I am full of gay spray tanned rage. HAAAATE. Ok, back to the past.
The models come in for fittings, and Dollivier and Icktor decide that the outfit Heidi hated looks amazing on the model. She looks like she had too much salt before a pajama party, but you’d be a moron to expect something decent from Team Icktor.
The “Why Bother?” look.
Nutless and Bimbo are hating what Matlock is doing, and I don’t blame them. A black waitress skirt and a straight jacket for an obese person. Not cute. They tell him in the nicest way possible, and he don’t give a crackerjack what they think. He’s designing for New York, not “the Midwest or wherever they’re from.” HAHAH! Nutless makes him promise to own up to his work on the runway, but all Matlock will commit to is farting involuntarily and making sweet tea for the rest of his life. One thing Matlock NEVER does is take blame on the runway. Bitch is a pro.
That waitress changed a tip on a credit card slip! Lock the ho up!
Nutless is positive that Matlock will be out if they lose, but I don’t know. Heidi loves him. Birds of a feather terrorize the planet together. I really hate birds. The next morning, everyone’s freaking out about not being cool. Tim sends them over to hair and makeup! SMOKE BREAK! No wait! There’s more!
Matlock is sewing a zipper on something most likely terrible when Jersey Chore comes in spitting his nastiness everywhere. He calls Matlock selfish for keeping the machine. Never mind that there are FOUR free machines. Matlock tells him to drop dead! HAHAH! Jersey screams that Matlock is closer to death than he is, and Matlock says that’s probably a good thing with people like Chore clogging up the Earth. LOLOLOLOLLLL!!! I hope this is the first finale with two seniors at the end. It can air at like four PM and be done in time to catch the Early Bird at Denny’s. Long live Matlock! Jersey Chore is trying to dress like Miss Trinidad today, but the only things they have in common are loose asses and minimal sewing skills. I’m being disgusting today. Chore has the bile flowing through my blood. It makes me feel Allllllliiiiiive!!
Matlock says he’s embarrassed for Chore, and it makes me love him even more. The sad part is, I keep staring at that picture above and I can’t come up with a single joke. It’s like God already made it for me.
Runway time!! Fat Bitch Heidi comes out looking like a sparkly mountain of lard.
Remember where that track was? USE IT.
She welcomes back Gay Mormon, who thanks her by giggling like a squirrel being beaten to death. She tries to show off the tennis shoes she’s wearing, but the editors don’t show them. LOL editors. Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!!
Minnie don’t burn chicken!
Hi guest model Homely Annie Rexic Model!
Team Icktor opens the show. Their first look is pretty cute. It’s very Stevie Nicks casual and I love the little jacket. I think this is the jacket that Tim said was Auntie Em on a motorcycle. Tim no likey? Congrats! You’re totally gonna win this shit, Icktor!
Gay Mormon put together a Mormon negligee. It’s missing sleeves though. He can be excommunicated for that shit.
A t-shirt with backpack straps and no backpack. Not like I would expect one of these dodos to suggest carrying books and stuff to make you smart, but still. WHY?
Not sure how jeans and a t-shirt are edgy, but what the fuck does Heidi expect? This is to show off tennis shoes. Which I’m still furious about. Next up is a long nothing grey dress with a boring sleeveless blouse. Meh. This team had a decent jacket and first skirt, but the rest has been as boring as Icktor on his most entertaining day. Dollivier made this one, and the only nice thing I can say about it is that it isn’t beige.
Team Doughy Christian is next. He starts with a total rip off of Icktor’s dress from last week. This one’s in denim, though. Is the challenge that everything has to be in grey? I know they have to use denim and suede, but wow. They pretty much suck as as a group.
Himberly made a tank top with a semi cute jacket and short shorts with a bizarre thigh concealer cuffs. I don’t know if those are just made terribly or if the model’s vagina hasn’t eaten in awhile, but it’s uncomfortable to watch. At least it’s grey!
Quaker made 80′s Hooker Day Off, but she didn’t put anything grey in it so yay.
Nutless hates his work, and he’s right on the money about it. It sucks butt. Hopefully, the judges won’t remember what’s what cuz it’s all been so grey. Just kick of Jersey Chore for being a horrible person.
Bimbo hates her work too. She? Is also correct. I can’t wait to see how they make this all Matlock’s fault.
Kors and Heidingo are laughing at it openly. Matlock’s look is pretty slick for him. The other designers make fun of it as it walks, calling it a secretary wearing her tennies until she gets to work. They’re right, but he has the best looking work out of the nutless losers on his team. And he told Jersey Chore he hopes he dies, so he’s tops in my book.
Jersey Chore made short shorts, horizontally striped t-shirt, and a lame ass vest. He says it’s really him, and it is. Tired, boring, typical, and OVER.
Now for some more grey!! This is courtesy of Martha Plumpton. It’s totally original cuz it has a neon pink line up the front. Headslap.
Miss Trinidad made a simple flowing Jersey dress with that fucking neon stripe. And it’s sleeveless. Because Miss Trinidad hasn’t taken the time to watch the “How to glue gun sleeves” videos on YouTube yet. Baby steps.
I love that they’re idea of cohesion is putting buns on top of their model’s heads. LOL. Heidi says that it was all over the place. There is no winning team! She may a bitch, but she’s so so right. Teams Nutless and Jersey Chore are kept on the runway. FIGHT!
Nutless immediately tells the judges that Matlock’s a mean fucker and his look is very cocktail waitress. He goes on and on. Matlock denies culpability, so Bimbo jumps in. Matlock sticks to his guns, so Nutless gets all uppity and calls him a fuckin liar. LOVE IT! The judges are loving it too. Nina says that Nutless spent his time focusing on Matlock when his work sucked ass, and Kors makes his model turn around so he can properly mock her camel toe. HAHAH! Heidi says the only good outfit on this team is Matlock’s! HAHAHAH! YAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!! Kors says Bimbo and Nutless are a mess. I am cheering out loud right now. Kors has Bimbo take off the vest and then barfs on the floor.
Nutless is forced to defend his work, and does so by saying Matlock is mean. HAHAHAH. BYEEEEEEEE! Heidi says Jersey used the extra time to bedazzle his fugly hooker clothes. Heidi liked Miss Trinidad’s look, but Kors says that it looks too tailored. Heidi no likey the shredded vest, but Popsicle Stick likes it. Nina hates Martha Plumpton’s work, and Jersey Chore takes some credit for it. He brings up their fight and says she’s a dowdy old person. Martha says that she was an intern, and Chore says that she should start jogging so she can win a stupid race and be a c word to everyone. HATE. Even the painting in the green room seems to be calling him a tacky cross eyed bitch.
Nutless whines that Matlock was mean, and Matlock is like “grow a pair.” Nutless says Matlock is worse than cancer. HE. The other teams are brought out, and Heidi likes the motorcycle jacket look that Icktor came up with. They all hate the farmy look Dollivier threw at them, but they compliment the t-shirt and jeans from Gay Mormon. How have the judges not noticed that 98 percent of this shit is grey?!?!
Kors loves Doughy Christian’s rip off dress, but he doesn’t like Quaker or Himberly’s. Quaker’s is flat out terrible like a flopped souffle. Heidi chides her for doing another terrible green blouse. Nina hates that there’s color at all on the stage, which I find offensive as a person of…oh wait. I’m mostly white. But still.
In alone time, Kors says that he’s never seen a season where everyone hates each other so much. Another Project Runway first! They all jump on Nutless for being such a messy terrible leader. They all like Jersey Chore for being a bitch who can control a team. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!
Icktor gets mad props. Ick. Kors goes on about Doughy’s rip off dress, and they all seem to forgot that they almost picked it to win last week. They seem downright offended by Quaker. Popsicle thinks Nutless should go, but Nina says that he has more promise than Quaker. Heidi argues that it should be a challenge by challenge thing and it’s not fair to let him stay when Quaker was slightly better. Kinda loving that fat bastard Heidi today. I think Jersey Chore should just go home for what he’s wearing. But wait! Heidi has another twist!! Oh LORD. These episodes are gonna be four hours a piece by next season. Jersey and Icktor tied for the win! Heidi is using Ick’s jacket and Jersey’s Miss Trinidad dress will go with it. So why didn’t she win? Do you have to wreck a senior citizen’s dream to stand a chance on this damn show?
The only good thing to come from this is that their teams are also safe, leaving Martha Plumpton alone. Nutless and Quaker are on the bottom! Heidi says that they fought over this and it wasn’t unanimous….and Nutless is in. He sobs, and Heidi says if it were up to her he’d be back home with his ten year old boyfriend. Poor Quaker!!!!!! Did you guys agree with that shit? I kinda did, cuz Quaker’s work was horrid, but man Nutless lives to cry another day? WHY GOD?!?! I was hoping for a double eviction.
Quaker has a goodbye segment, but I almost fell asleep watching it. Tim says that he is really proud about the designers being honestly terrible people on the runway. Next week, hopefully it’s Tim’s turn to get stuff designed for him. He’s gotta have a leather swing collection coming out at some point. Which will set up the win for f ing Jersey Chore again. ASdgaopisrnvapervnq
Love to you guys.