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Friday, August 26, 2011
9:00 am
45 Comments
Tagged: flipit, funny, Lifetime, mylifetime, project runway, recap, spoof, TV, tvgasm
Previously on Project Runway, Nina got a new too tight shirt that made her torso look all foldy, Matlock Bert came closer and closer to having a drink, and Don Knotts was sent packing.
You bungled a case and the villain got a terrible new outfit. Boooooooo!!
The designers wake up to presents. Matlock is all bitter and confused, which is a present for me.
What presents? Who’s dead? Did one of my neighbors get accused? Cuz I’m tired. You wanna get me a present? Get me a hot dog dagnabbit.
The gifts are gym clothes. The boys all start freaking out. The only good thing about gyms is peeking at wieners after five minutes on the treadmill, and there’s not really any kind of eye candy to look forward to in this cast. Well, besides Matlock, but the hottest thing on him is his giant wattle, and everyone sees that naked all day anyway. Nina’s Sister in Split Ends won’t get out of bed. She’s depressed and very pixelated. It’s a good look for her.
Closest thing to a Glamour Shot this chick will ever get.
Split Ends is depressed and “ongree” about Don Knotts getting sent away. Her roommate Ole Blue Haired Martha Plumpton tries to get her to feel better, but she does it by talking to her in the same really high pitched voice she uses to try and coax cats out of trees, so it just makes things worse. Split Ends mumbles “I no weareen anyteen.” Martha Plumpton is scared at the thought of a naked Split Ends moping through the next two days. So is humanity.
The other girls deduce that this must be some kind of gym clothes challenge. Or maybe it’s for fat people who lost weight and are trying to hide loose skin. I think that was Bimbo’s guess. It horrified me. But also intrigued me. I could use some of that shit. It’s a PE challenge! Himberly says she’s not gonna just coast because she has immunity. There is no immunity in PE. There was a kid with Leukemia in my PE class as a kid, and the Coach made him power walk while we played flag football. The theory was that it would make the kid stronger, but he just got paler and paler and eventually changed schools. PE ruins lives, you guys.
They meet Fat Bitch Heidi at the track. She’s gnawing on a bucket of fried chicken, so Tim is there to help. There will be four teams of three, and one captain each. No one wants to get paired with Matlock, and Matlock wants to be get paired with no one. Mutual disdain is so much easier than winning friends and influencing people. The captains will be the winners of a race around the track. On behalf of chunky people everywhere, I am mortified. Since I am not on the show to display my annoyed, pasty, “skinny people get all the breaks” face, I’ll put up Martha Plumpton’s.
I’d like to see Kors do this. His orange ass would be dead before he made it half way. How does this have anything to do with fashion? They should have to run on stilts, then it would make more sense. Split Ends has the same reaction to PE that I do. She throws up on herself, sobs in the fetal position, and QUITS!! WTF?!?! She doesn’t have Leukemia, so Heidi can’t make her stay. She whines that she hates it here and eets too hhard and che ees helping no one by beeen here. Huh? Who’s helps others by being on Project Runway? This is about taking a shortcut to not having to work at Fantastic Sam’s any more, girl. It ain’t charity! If you’re not helping someone then you’re doing something right! She tells us that che spande a long time tryeen to become da womayn che ees. It takes a lot of passion and drive to become a QUITTER. Lata, sucka! Does this mean Don Knotts is coming back? PLEEEASE?!?!
The rest of the designers frown and smile at the same time. It could be conflicted emotions. Or really fucked up surgery.
They get over it pretty quickly and run their lap. Poor Martha power walks to the snack bar, Jersey Chore swings his arms like a little girl being chased by bees, and Dolliver falls down. LOL! I mean awwww! Jersey Chore comes in first. No fair! That queen works out and is most likely a raging coke head!! I call BS! Doughy Christian is next, followed by Nutless and Icktor. Doughy Christian beat Matlock? I thought that would be a tie.
Matlock takes a couple of hours to finish the lap, but he does it, dammit, and he doesn’t lie on the ground after, either. Dolliver is pretending that he’s never had bruised knees before. He lies on the track and tries to teabag a medic. Show me on yourself where the medic touched you, Dollivier!
Dollivier gets dizzy in fourteen different terrible accents. He can’t feel his arms or legs. Not that that’s anything new, but still, everyone is worried. Not Matlock though. He’s kinda laughing. LOL. PE kills millions of gay dolls a year and must be stopped. Eventually, the medic winds him up and sends him on his way. You can’t kill dolls. But they can kill you. Don’t say I never warned you, Fat Bitch.
Jersey Chore gets Miss Trinidad and Doughy Christian takes Himberly, who does a happy kick and strains her nuts. Heidi makes a paramedic joke, which Dollivier thinks is hilarious.
Sad fake accent horns
Nutless takes Bimbo, and Icktor takes Dollivier. Plumpton is on Jersey’s team, and Doughy Christian takes a loooong time to choose Quaker over Matlock. It’s between pasty and pasty. They are down a designer now, so Icktor gets to choose a kicked off designer to come back! And it’s Gay Mormon!! Jersey Chore just got a boner. Ick says he chose Mormon because he likes his full body underwear and besides, he deserves a second chance because he “want to learn more”. Huh? Is this Phoenix Online? He doesn’t know shit, and that’s why he’s gone. If he wanted to learn more, he would have gone to school instead of holing up in the Times Square Ramada praying to Joseph Smith that Fat Bitch would call him out of the blue and offer him another chance at failure.
Heidi has a line of tennis shoes, so the challenge is to make three looks on each team to go with the shoes. UGH. Please give me a break with the shameless plugging. Heidi has enough damn money!! If we’re gonna have to sit through an hour and a half commercial, I wish the challenge would be to make outfits out of tupperware found on the GLAD accessories wall. Martha Plumpton would finally have a chicken leg up.
They have to use either denim or suede or Chinese toddler sweat, since those are the materials her shoes are made of. The winner will get a pair of Crocks and a ride on top of a cab or some shit. Jersey’s team “caucuses”, and I sit and wait for Jersey’s inevitable cock-us joke that never comes. Martha Plumpton’s ideas are shot down right away, and he says that he picked her because of her fun energy, but “I don’t think of her as a fashion icon.” LOL. And I was worried that he somehow learned not to be an obnoxious queen for an entire segment. I’m sure Plumpton is watching this at home really worried that the spray tanned cross eyed fagito burrito with Ricky Ricardo hair doesn’t think she’s Jackie O.
Doughy Christian wants to make a reversible dress, and he is getting along great with Himberly and Quaker. Matlock is sketching lots of Dynasty clothes, and no one’s loving it. He says he feels like a skin tag, and he’s not far off. Time to go to Mood to watch Jersey Chore say no to everything Martha Plumpton picks out. Matlock gets no respect either. Chunky older people who don’t like sun are really getting the shaft today. I think all of us who aren’t fifteen and skinny and spray tanned and cross eyed should get together in Times Square and commit mass suicide so the kids can turn the world into what they desire it to be: a big no talent orgy of bad English, skinny jeans and Miley Cyrus vagina shots on the internet. Fuckers.
The designers get back to the workroom, which means it’s time for Doughy Christian to tell us how much it sucks that he can’t seem to design anything good when he’s on TV. Oh wah. Wait. I think someone’s strangling a cat. Where’s Matlock? No, that’s not it. Someone’s strangling a baby. Nina? No. She doesn’t strangle. She munches on them while they’re still crying. WHAT IS THAT NOISE?
Oh. It’s just Gay Mormon laughing. Yikes. I hope whatever desperate girls his family marries him to don’t let him watch any sitcoms or their heads will all explode.
Why did the chicken cross the road? It didn’t. It’s still just standing in the shoulder. Nothing silly here. Let’s play the quiet game.
Jersey Chore and Miss Trinidad whisper their designs to each other so that Martha Plumpton can’t hear. She offers to help, but Jersey just roll/crosses his eyes at her and spits his venomous gayness everywhere like a flaming python. He says flat out that he just wants her to sew his designs and stop trying to actually design stuff. HATE THAT ASSHOLE. Hate hate hate him. And most of all, I hate that when you see a queen like this, all orange and lispy and queeny, you KNOW he’s gonna be a piece of shit at first glance. It’s bad for all gays and spray tan businesses everywhere and he must be taken down and sent back to the Drag Queen Bingo night at Hamburger Mary’s that he crawled out of. I have a theory that gay bashings across the country rise whenever this show is on, and when I prove it I’m gonna sue Lifetime and become a kagillionaire.
Gay Mormon’s just happy to be back. He smiles and giggles and tells us that Icktor is just so “awethome.” Not going so well on team Nutless, though. He hates Matlock, Matlock hates everyone and everything. Bimbo just wants some peace, so she gropes a dress form. We all handle pressure differently.
Sexual harassment can be peaceful if you can find a voiceless victim.
Let’s watch Matlock bloom like a beautiful flower.
Matlock wants leather, but he forgot Nutless’ name so he can’t ask for it. LOL!!! He says that some names he’ll remember, but only if the person in question isn’t insignificant to him. LOVE IT! And I totally agree,….er…. Matlock.
Miss Trinidad is making Martha Plumpton do more of her sewing because “I never makey sewy jersey before love you long time suckyfuckyfivedolla.” Jersey bosses Martha around too, and she’s starting to suspect that she’s just the intern. DINGDINGDING! Jersey tells us that if she doesn’t get the picture, he’ll paint it for her. I predict his painting will be tasteless, tacky, and skill free. Martha is there to be his and Miss Trinidad’s bitch and she can go back to her old lady clothes next week. HAAAAATE YOOOOOOOOOOU.
Just as ugly on the inside as you are on the out. It’s the first time I’ve seen you match.
Fat Bitch Heidi is wheeled in on a dolly by Tim because she’s too fucking fat to walk. Gay Mormon sees her and poops up his breakfast bar. He calls her the Queen of Doom. LOL. Doughy Christian is scared too. Heidi has bred true fear into the hearts of (semi) men. For that, I will always love her fat, stretch marked, baby factory of an ass.
They start at Doughy Christian and Quaker’s station. He’s made a cowl neck, which is trouble, because Nina told him in plain broken English last week that she HATES cowls. Heidi tells him it’s the hackiest idea she’s ever heard in her life, and Tim hates Quaker’s leather dress. Himberly’s nuts tighten and they decide to start over. Bimbo calls Doughy a “sunken ship” and says he should have run slower so someone else could lead. HAHAH. I have been waiting for Bimbo to emerge as an empty headed bitch stereotype, but she hasn’t yet. Sure, that wasn’t very nice, but it was true, and it was said as kindly as possible. It almost makes me believe that sometimes I’m too judgmental.
NEVER MIND
Icktor and Dolliver aren’t faring much better. Heidi calls their work farm clothes, and Tim says it looks like Auntie Em is being forced onto a motorcycle. HAHAHAH. Gay Mormon is under the table practicing saying “I’m straight” over and over with Icktor’s dick in his mouth. Brainwashing and diction practice all at once. Well done, GayMorm! The rainth in Spainth fallth mainly on the plainth.
Heidi has told both teams so far that she wants “cool”er stuff. How bout you come up with some challenges that don’t involve money flowing directly into your pocket, fatty! If anyone’s being completely non creative this season, it’s YOU. Team Nutless isn’t getting off easy, either. Heidi complains and disses stuff, and Matlock is stuttering. I think he loves Tim. Who doesn’t? Heidi says Jersey Chore’s boring design is on the runway every single week. They like what Miss Trinidad designed though. So who cares that she didn’t sew a stitch of it? Tim flat out asks Martha Plumpton what she’s been doing, and she says just getting the team coffee and sewing everything they tell her to. He warns her that she’s gonna be thrown under the bus, and she says that in chicken fights with busses, they always stop first. No bus driver wants to see their baby dented. She hadn’t even considered the idea that evil queen Chore might betray her, and that’s super cute. And by cute I mean STOOPID. She has three hours left. Get to glue gunning some feathers and leaves onto some shit, girl!!
Heidi hates everything, so she gives them til four in the morning to come up with something to make her New Balance line look slightly less cheap than it normally does. They leave, and Jersey Chore is ruffled. He snaps at Martha and tells her to shut up with her design suggestions because everyone knows her work is dowdy. She walks away, but he follows her to the sewing room and keeps bitching her out about what a dumpy baby she is. She starts sobbing. Then he starts being even more horrible and tells her she’s a big pasty dowdy baby and if she’s tired she should take a nap. Um, doesn’t seem to work for you. You sleep every night and you’re the most tired queen I’ve seen in a long ass time. BITCH. Martha runs away, sobbing. I wish she’d stab him right in his crossed eyes with a pair of scissors. No jury on Earth would convict her. GLAAD would send her a thank you card.
The gay bashing in America has plummeted since you murdered that tacky c word. Here’s a gift certificate to the Olive Garden. Love, GLAAD.
Martha sobs in the bathroom with a Snickers bar and slams the door on the cameraman. LOL. Long live Martha Plumpton!! I now hope she wins and makes a final collection based on birds and gardens. When we come back from break, Jersey Chore is in the bathroom apologizing. Not because he’s a raging cunt, but because “the day is just stressful for everyone.” That’s not really an apology, he just doesn’t wanna have to sew his own terrible designs. Martha says that she feels old and like no one thinks she can make cool clothes. Oh, Martha. Young people don’t spend money on clothes anyway. They buy crappy cheap stuff. Older people WITH JOBS have to get dressed in the morning too. You think Kors is a trillionaire because he makes Forever 21 crap? No! He makes elastic waistbands in a sensible poly blend with little pads on the crotch for those times you go over a speed bump and pee a little. And God bless him!!
I am reading this through to spell check (can you believe that I do that? I know you can’t tell.) and realized I didn’t put in the part where Jersey Chore said Martha’s clothes were for people between forty and death. Even after I have finished this recap and have had time to calm down, I am full of gay spray tanned rage. HAAAATE. Ok, back to the past.
The models come in for fittings, and Dollivier and Icktor decide that the outfit Heidi hated looks amazing on the model. She looks like she had too much salt before a pajama party, but you’d be a moron to expect something decent from Team Icktor.
The “Why Bother?” look.
Nutless and Bimbo are hating what Matlock is doing, and I don’t blame them. A black waitress skirt and a straight jacket for an obese person. Not cute. They tell him in the nicest way possible, and he don’t give a crackerjack what they think. He’s designing for New York, not “the Midwest or wherever they’re from.” HAHAH! Nutless makes him promise to own up to his work on the runway, but all Matlock will commit to is farting involuntarily and making sweet tea for the rest of his life. One thing Matlock NEVER does is take blame on the runway. Bitch is a pro.
That waitress changed a tip on a credit card slip! Lock the ho up!
Nutless is positive that Matlock will be out if they lose, but I don’t know. Heidi loves him. Birds of a feather terrorize the planet together. I really hate birds. The next morning, everyone’s freaking out about not being cool. Tim sends them over to hair and makeup! SMOKE BREAK! No wait! There’s more!
Matlock is sewing a zipper on something most likely terrible when Jersey Chore comes in spitting his nastiness everywhere. He calls Matlock selfish for keeping the machine. Never mind that there are FOUR free machines. Matlock tells him to drop dead! HAHAH! Jersey screams that Matlock is closer to death than he is, and Matlock says that’s probably a good thing with people like Chore clogging up the Earth. LOLOLOLOLLLL!!! I hope this is the first finale with two seniors at the end. It can air at like four PM and be done in time to catch the Early Bird at Denny’s. Long live Matlock! Jersey Chore is trying to dress like Miss Trinidad today, but the only things they have in common are loose asses and minimal sewing skills. I’m being disgusting today. Chore has the bile flowing through my blood. It makes me feel Allllllliiiiiive!!
Matlock says he’s embarrassed for Chore, and it makes me love him even more. The sad part is, I keep staring at that picture above and I can’t come up with a single joke. It’s like God already made it for me.
Runway time!! Fat Bitch Heidi comes out looking like a sparkly mountain of lard.
Remember where that track was? USE IT.
She welcomes back Gay Mormon, who thanks her by giggling like a squirrel being beaten to death. She tries to show off the tennis shoes she’s wearing, but the editors don’t show them. LOL editors. Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!!
Minnie don’t burn chicken!
Hi Nina!
Hi guest model Homely Annie Rexic Model!
Team Icktor opens the show. Their first look is pretty cute. It’s very Stevie Nicks casual and I love the little jacket. I think this is the jacket that Tim said was Auntie Em on a motorcycle. Tim no likey? Congrats! You’re totally gonna win this shit, Icktor!
Gay Mormon put together a Mormon negligee. It’s missing sleeves though. He can be excommunicated for that shit.
A t-shirt with backpack straps and no backpack. Not like I would expect one of these dodos to suggest carrying books and stuff to make you smart, but still. WHY?
Not sure how jeans and a t-shirt are edgy, but what the fuck does Heidi expect? This is to show off tennis shoes. Which I’m still furious about. Next up is a long nothing grey dress with a boring sleeveless blouse. Meh. This team had a decent jacket and first skirt, but the rest has been as boring as Icktor on his most entertaining day. Dollivier made this one, and the only nice thing I can say about it is that it isn’t beige.
Team Doughy Christian is next. He starts with a total rip off of Icktor’s dress from last week. This one’s in denim, though. Is the challenge that everything has to be in grey? I know they have to use denim and suede, but wow. They pretty much suck as as a group.
Stealing Ick
Himberly made a tank top with a semi cute jacket and short shorts with a bizarre thigh concealer cuffs. I don’t know if those are just made terribly or if the model’s vagina hasn’t eaten in awhile, but it’s uncomfortable to watch. At least it’s grey!
Quaker made 80′s Hooker Day Off, but she didn’t put anything grey in it so yay.
Nutless hates his work, and he’s right on the money about it. It sucks butt. Hopefully, the judges won’t remember what’s what cuz it’s all been so grey. Just kick of Jersey Chore for being a horrible person.
Bimbo hates her work too. She? Is also correct. I can’t wait to see how they make this all Matlock’s fault.
Kors and Heidingo are laughing at it openly. Matlock’s look is pretty slick for him. The other designers make fun of it as it walks, calling it a secretary wearing her tennies until she gets to work. They’re right, but he has the best looking work out of the nutless losers on his team. And he told Jersey Chore he hopes he dies, so he’s tops in my book.
Jersey Chore made short shorts, horizontally striped t-shirt, and a lame ass vest. He says it’s really him, and it is. Tired, boring, typical, and OVER.
Now for some more grey!! This is courtesy of Martha Plumpton. It’s totally original cuz it has a neon pink line up the front. Headslap.
Miss Trinidad made a simple flowing Jersey dress with that fucking neon stripe. And it’s sleeveless. Because Miss Trinidad hasn’t taken the time to watch the “How to glue gun sleeves” videos on YouTube yet. Baby steps.
I love that they’re idea of cohesion is putting buns on top of their model’s heads. LOL. Heidi says that it was all over the place. There is no winning team! She may a bitch, but she’s so so right. Teams Nutless and Jersey Chore are kept on the runway. FIGHT!
Nutless immediately tells the judges that Matlock’s a mean fucker and his look is very cocktail waitress. He goes on and on. Matlock denies culpability, so Bimbo jumps in. Matlock sticks to his guns, so Nutless gets all uppity and calls him a fuckin liar. LOVE IT! The judges are loving it too. Nina says that Nutless spent his time focusing on Matlock when his work sucked ass, and Kors makes his model turn around so he can properly mock her camel toe. HAHAH! Heidi says the only good outfit on this team is Matlock’s! HAHAHAH! YAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!! Kors says Bimbo and Nutless are a mess. I am cheering out loud right now. Kors has Bimbo take off the vest and then barfs on the floor.
Nutless is forced to defend his work, and does so by saying Matlock is mean. HAHAHAH. BYEEEEEEEE! Heidi says Jersey used the extra time to bedazzle his fugly hooker clothes. Heidi liked Miss Trinidad’s look, but Kors says that it looks too tailored. Heidi no likey the shredded vest, but Popsicle Stick likes it. Nina hates Martha Plumpton’s work, and Jersey Chore takes some credit for it. He brings up their fight and says she’s a dowdy old person. Martha says that she was an intern, and Chore says that she should start jogging so she can win a stupid race and be a c word to everyone. HATE. Even the painting in the green room seems to be calling him a tacky cross eyed bitch.
Nutless whines that Matlock was mean, and Matlock is like “grow a pair.” Nutless says Matlock is worse than cancer. HE. The other teams are brought out, and Heidi likes the motorcycle jacket look that Icktor came up with. They all hate the farmy look Dollivier threw at them, but they compliment the t-shirt and jeans from Gay Mormon. How have the judges not noticed that 98 percent of this shit is grey?!?!
Kors loves Doughy Christian’s rip off dress, but he doesn’t like Quaker or Himberly’s. Quaker’s is flat out terrible like a flopped souffle. Heidi chides her for doing another terrible green blouse. Nina hates that there’s color at all on the stage, which I find offensive as a person of…oh wait. I’m mostly white. But still.
In alone time, Kors says that he’s never seen a season where everyone hates each other so much. Another Project Runway first! They all jump on Nutless for being such a messy terrible leader. They all like Jersey Chore for being a bitch who can control a team. WHAT?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!
Icktor gets mad props. Ick. Kors goes on about Doughy’s rip off dress, and they all seem to forgot that they almost picked it to win last week. They seem downright offended by Quaker. Popsicle thinks Nutless should go, but Nina says that he has more promise than Quaker. Heidi argues that it should be a challenge by challenge thing and it’s not fair to let him stay when Quaker was slightly better. Kinda loving that fat bastard Heidi today. I think Jersey Chore should just go home for what he’s wearing. But wait! Heidi has another twist!! Oh LORD. These episodes are gonna be four hours a piece by next season. Jersey and Icktor tied for the win! Heidi is using Ick’s jacket and Jersey’s Miss Trinidad dress will go with it. So why didn’t she win? Do you have to wreck a senior citizen’s dream to stand a chance on this damn show?
The only good thing to come from this is that their teams are also safe, leaving Martha Plumpton alone. Nutless and Quaker are on the bottom! Heidi says that they fought over this and it wasn’t unanimous….and Nutless is in. He sobs, and Heidi says if it were up to her he’d be back home with his ten year old boyfriend. Poor Quaker!!!!!! Did you guys agree with that shit? I kinda did, cuz Quaker’s work was horrid, but man Nutless lives to cry another day? WHY GOD?!?! I was hoping for a double eviction.
Quaker has a goodbye segment, but I almost fell asleep watching it. Tim says that he is really proud about the designers being honestly terrible people on the runway. Next week, hopefully it’s Tim’s turn to get stuff designed for him. He’s gotta have a leather swing collection coming out at some point. Which will set up the win for f ing Jersey Chore again. ASdgaopisrnvapervnq
Love to you guys.
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45 Comments
Ok, I just have to wonder if these people don’t watch the show before trying out for it! I hate when someone quits! Babies!
And I at first thought your pic of the quitter was an ad for a horror movie….you know, dead woman with eyes sewn shut coming back to haunt everyone.
Correction re Tim: he made the Auntie Em comment re the long gray skirt and top for which Olivier had primary responsibility. Tim’s comments are always on–except for last season when the judges let Gretchen win…
You didn’t have a single observation that I didn’t shout out at the TV. Thank you! I wanted Jersey to burst into flames right there on the runway and die. And Nutless should have gone home. Quaker is terrible, but at least she didn’t make an outfit that looked like I tried to wear my husband’s (who is three times heavier & twice taller than I am) t-shirt and gym shorts.
It’s like the only likeable people on this show right now are Matlock (I guess because he owns being a bitch, unlike Jersey Whore and his obvservations are always funny and he never smiles) & Plumpton, because she’s not a horrible person.
I’m pissed I have to listen to/look at that tacky mess Jersey for another week since he’s safe. BS. He’s that queen that all homophobes see as the perfect example of gays everywhere. Thanks, you idiot. I’m offended for all my gay friends.
Keep you the fantastic recaps! I laughed my ass off and I love that they’re always up before I even get to watch the show!
I call B.S. on Heidi. She claimed they judge week to week who should be out, not on overall potential. If that was even remotely true, Emilioth would have gotten the boot a few seasons back for his atrocious hot pink string and metal washer bikini.
Dang, these have to be the worst designers ever on this show. Usually, there is one designer that stands out….not this season. Yikes. Jersey Chore is a D**K. He has some nerve calling Becky (Martha) dowdy, when all his designs suck. There’s something about Ms. Trinidad I don’t trust. And that horrible ribbon down the front of her dress was awful. Did you notice how it kept bunching up when the model walked down the runway.
The only thing I like about this season is your recaps, Flip. Of course, they’re my favorite part of every season.
My favorite line “Birds of a feather terrorize the planet together.” Made me laugh out loud.
Flipit, as a fellow August Virgo all I can say is…there is no such thing as too judgmental. Never, ever question it. It’s the cornerstone of evolution. (Happy belated birthday, by the way.)
I didn’t mind Quaker going home because it’s not like her outfit was fantastic. It was only slightly less awful than Nutless’ and she was working on a functional team. She had no reason for sucking as badly as she did. And she basically made the same outfit from last week only with shorts and no sleeves. Less skill required, same crappy outcome.
But, I’m still flummoxed that Jersey Chore won for Anya’s design and Becky’s construction. He has immunity and did nothing but act like an infected cooze. And it’s not like he hid his heinousness on the runway, and they still rewarded him for other people’s work. The dress wasn’t any great shakes but if they liked it so much reward the person who allegedly designed it and give Miss Trinidad the co-win with Icktor. The only thing Jersey Chore deserved was a swift kick in the ass, not a reward for being an asshole.
OMG, I hate Jersey Whore so much and I really hate that Miss Ifuckysucky is being given a free pass by not having to sew any of her designs. I’m also disappointed that PR has turned into 90 minute commercials for whatever the judges happen to be whoring out that week. And The Quitter could have gone out with some class if she had gone out over making outfits to match Heidi’s toddler tear shoes.
Anyway, I really really hate Jersey Whore. I feel homicidal every time he speaks.
Great recap……been looking forward to it all morning.
Oh, and @reilygirl – I was thinking the same thing….usually by this time you kind of know who the front runners will be. Not this year.
I knew I would be hating Chore-boy but I didn’t realize how much! He almost made me shout the “f” word at him (not the nice one). I was happy to see Gay Mormon get another chance just cuz he needs some more time to come to terms with his own truth. I hope there is some positive drama yet to come where here is concerned.
I am enjoying Bert. Maybe it won’t last but he’s like a fresh breeze in a sultry landfill right now. Anthony Ryan should have gotten der boot. Camel toe/camel butt and shitty leadership. Also didn’t get how Chore-boy gets credit for Anya’s design. They make it up as they go along. Uff da, what a circus.
OMG, as usual, I can’t even get halfway without having to comment:
Sad fake accent horns–Classic Flippy!
Jersey just roll/crosses his eyes at her and spits his venomous gayness everywhere like a flaming python–MORE CLASSIC!!!
Also, I for one, am happy as a clam to see Gay Mormon back!!! Yay!!!
I’ll be back when I’m done, unless I start to short circuit trying to remember too much to comment on again!
LindaW, I thought the same thing about that photo–very eerie!!! I know it’s lame to quit but I was so glad to be done with her and get the Gay Mormon back. I absolutely adore how Tim Gunn is soooo huggy with the kid!!! So cute. I remember him being all huggy like that when he was leaving too. Me thinks he’s got a crush. I also thought the Gay Mormon could have done better on a few of the challenges, as he sews and has a line of clothes, but I really, really, really need him to step it up.
Dolliver is plummeting for me. “I’m going to show Fat Bitch that this dress in grey jersey that she hates is actually a chic, cutting edge fashion statement” Um, yeah, that worked out . . . . I don’t care what fake accent you use, this kid is toast, and all his designs match toast so go figure!
As one of the gasmi who loves to agree to disagree, I hate Matlock, HATE-HATE-HATE him!!! I don’t think it’s acceptable to not remember anyones names, and dis everyone for being from the mid west or whatever . . . UM . . .. wake up call, buddy . . . you suck, you’re stuck in the 70′s, you’ve not done one good thing worthy of any kind of bragging rights, and go to AA–you’re a dry fucking bitter drunk!!!
Ok, ouch . . . .but I mean it, I hate him!!! I hate him more than Jersey Chore. I realize JC is an over adorned, spray tan, waxed and plastic gay, but he had a plan for his team, it just simply meant that Plumpton (HAHAHAHA) got left out of the design part. Yes he was gross, and dismissive and hissing and awful, but if he thinks Plumpton makes dowdy clothes, and he’s team leader, then it is his business to get it done how he sees fit. He could have let her do one of the three, but he may not have won.
One ball, oh my . . . is that not what the bond girl looks like when she rolls up the black satin sheet and sticks it between her legs to keep the rating PG 13? I can’t imagine what the story is behind that look.
Bimbo is still proving to be nicer than I ever thought. I wish they would call out Miss fuckysucky on doing the same look over and over. I didn’t get Doughy’s look, or why they liked it. Looked like two flat sheets stapled together around the model. . And that green the Quaker kept using, it’s a no!!! I can see her line now . . . Strictly Ginger . . . for white skinned red heads everywhere! All in all, a pretty dreary showing.
I did like Iktor’s jacket muchly tho . . . and if you’re wondering why the double win-Ka ching! Follow the money!
xoxo Hope you had a great bday, Flip, and happy happy early or belated to you too Valle!
Flipit, I heart your recaps and this slayed me: “PE kills millions of gay dolls a year and must be stopped. Eventually, the medic winds him up and sends him on his way. You can’t kill dolls. But they can kill you. Don’t say I never warned you, Fat Bitch.”
It seems like Tim has really been relegated to the background this season. Either that or I’ve just gotten so bored that I fall asleep a lot during the episodes and keep missing the parts where he shows up. (Sad, debonair, urbane, sophisticated horns.)
The only thing I might MIGHT wear was Iktor’s dress/jacket. I feel dirty saying that. As far as the challenge goes, I think Iktor, Himberly, Bimbo, and the Jersey Chore team made options that go OK with Heidi’s sneakers. I did think Jersey Chore had the most cohesive looks and the ones that went best with the theme even if he’s an annoying twat.
@juddfan – I totally agree with you. I hate Matlock! I was surprised the judges didn’t call him out for his terribly immature behavior on the runway when he was celebrating how much the judges disliked Nutless’ & Bimbo’s outfits. Unnecessarily spiteful.
But, jesusloveswinners . . . that’s agreeing with me! HA! I thought I was going to stir up some haters on me . . . that’s right, little ole innocent me . . . . for the record, I liked him at first, and I was looking forward to an old fart trying to redefine themselves in such a way as this show–from what he said, it’s what he wanted to do . . . . but instead he just ignores the rules, does what he wants, none of it good (yeah, you can argue the first dress, but I just think it sucked less than the others) some of it awful, (the pet challenge, and the stilt look) and the rest pedestrian. Iktor has out done him for the past two weeks, making the top group, so when I look at who was to blame when they were a team . . . um . . . it’s not looking like Iktor’s fault to me.
I do wish somehow, someone could rise above the BS and not get so drawn in and drained by it. If he really wont play nice, F him . . . let him do what he wants, say nothing except the judges will wonder why we didn’t work as a team, and get on with it.
Oh, Flipit, what would I do without you? I came storming into my bedroom after watching this ep, too angry to read carefully, scrolled down your recap, saw “???!!!????!!!…” and felt So Much Better. Thank you.
Also, it seems that season more than ever the judges are going for really tired looks. I don’t know too much about fashion and even I have had it with the maxidress. Ditto the little box dress with the boxy cap sleeves.
I agree with maryedith, the fashion this season is super tired. I thought it was funny that Jersey Chore said leggings are so over, yet he has put out multiple looks with the exposed zipper, which is super overdone right now. Maybe all that bronzer and hair gel is clouding his vision…
I love your recaps! I wait to watch the show until the recap is posted so that I can read your summary right away! I also loathe the creepiness that is Jersey Chore. He has the appearance of an oompaloompa, but without the cute rhyming songs.
I must say that even though I was totally rooting for Matlock at the beginning of the season, I have lost a lot of love for him because he is such and argumentative pain in the ass! I know that he corrects the other designers if they say something wrong (i.e. telling Icktor that he was talking about Queen Elizabeth, not Queen Victoria), but he could do it in a not douche-y way. I wanted him to be the grandfather type, but he is just an old jerk.
I also started the season hating on Bimbo, but she has grown on me, because she has some talent, but she also can throw some dirt if need be. I thought that Quaker actually took over the spoiled, self entitled brat role for a couple of episodes.
Anyway, I love the re-caps! Keep up the good work!
I think Oliver keeps getting a pass because of the fact that he looks like he should/could be this totally bizarro, fabulous prodigy but he sucks … if Plumpton made the beige ill fitted number or the long grey mormon skirt (WTF again and again) she would so have been out. Doliver so knows how to rock his Asian multi- accented shrowd of mystery. To bad the judges are falling for it. Total fail this season. Plumpton was right – there are so many cliques and the judges are playing right into them.
@Juddfan, well, I will completely disagree with you regarding Matlock, as you’ve asked for it!
Matlock has been marginalized all season long because he is older than the other contestants and his ideas for this challenges were dismissed by Nutless and his hag, Laura. If you can’t get ideas heard and you still succeed with everyone gunning for you to fail, he has every right to stick it to Nutless and the Hag. I love Matlock and his reasoning for not learning names: they’re just not that important because the people aren’t that important. And, if names are so important, why didn’t you call out that asshole Joshua M. for calling Becky by Kimberly’s name when he was celebrating his win with Ms. Trinidad?
I would have loved Cecelia to stay, if only to have Bert/Victor on another team challenge. They hate each other and I would’ve been curious to see if they would have been able to work with each other, or if they would’ve spectacularly failed like Nutless and his hag.
I don’t get why everyone is so happy to have the Gay Mormon back. All he does is cry and he’s not even half as charismatic as the original crier: Andre Gonzalo.
I miss Anthony, from a couple seasons back. I think he should be a contestant every year so I can hear his southern take on everything. Plus, I found out he’s a Univ of Alabama alumni, too. He’s my all time favorite!
Matlock….well, I still haven’t made up my mind about him. Sometimes I like him and sometimes not.
I’m not getting the Gay Mormon love, either.
Oh, and when Dolliver fell down and then fainted? Took me 5 min to stop laughing.
I didn’t feel guilty about laughing at him, either.
I laughed, too. I mean, the fat kid, the senior citizen, and the guy who used to have cancer were probably standing in the back rolling their eyes.
Oh, Flippy, you’ll love this: Josh C. didn’t call Heidi the Queen of Doom, he called her the Klum of Doom. Ha!
@lindaw205 I go to UA and so did my older sister, who majored on fashion design. She said she had classes with Anthony and that he was annoying.
I laughed at him too. I mean even Heidi and Tim seemed to think it was funny and didn’t even seem all that concerned.
Another product placement challenge for Heidi’s line…..okay. But if the designers are going to be given another group challenge, wouldn’t it be lovely to see them truly collaborate as the professionals they claim to be? No amount of editing could just conjure up Jersey’s bitchy comments, or Matlock’s antagonistic mutters. I hope that we see their individual aesthetics soon, and that Jersey is cursed with a lifetime without makeup, spray tans, or hair products.
@lindaw205 Anthony will be back on All-Stars coming up soon…
Derek Hazelton said, “Matlock has been marginalized all season long because he is older than the other contestants and his ideas for this challenges were dismissed by Nutless and his hag, Laura. If you can’t get ideas heard and you still succeed with everyone gunning for you to fail, he has every right to stick it to Nutless and the Hag. I love Matlock and his reasoning for not learning names: they’re just not that important because the people aren’t that important. And, if names are so important, why didn’t you call out that asshole Joshua M. for calling Becky by Kimberly’s name when he was celebrating his win with Ms. Trinidad?”
I completely agree. I’m rooting for Matlock because everyone immediately dismissed him based solely on his age.
Team Old Guy!
“I don’t get why everyone is so happy to have the Gay Mormon back. All he does is cry and he’s not even half as charismatic as the original crier: Andre Gonzalo.”
No one will ever be as charismatic as Andrae. That tearfest was so epic it was Shakespearean. And his “gutter water” dress is still one of the loveliest dresses made on PR.
As for Matlock, I can’t place all the blame on Nutless because he is an abrasive geezer but then…I can’t hate on Matlock because he’s an abrasive geezer. He’s got no time for the kiddies and their cliques and they try to shun them but he just tells them to drop dead. He may be an unpleasant old cur, but he’s not pretending to be anything else. They can’t say they’re not prepared for his crankiness or that he has a clique that he treats like gold and then spits at everyone else, so he’s one up on Jersey Chore in that area, too.
(But thanks for the birthday wish, Juddfan.)
Omg you hate everyone that I like. I can’t stand Matlock. I really can’t stand him, he seems so disagreeable and bitter. At first I did like him, because he looked kind of like a rhino and I thought he would be this adorable old man making cute clothes but he’s really really bitchy. And not in a hilarious way, like my beloved Jersey Chore. I feel bad for Matlock too because backstage, I felt like he was gonna cry when he was talking about how the other designers don’t get him, but at the same time, I don’t like him.
I do love Jersey Chore, Miss Trinidad and Nutless. Bimbo has also really grown on me. Chore is too entertaining, simply because he’s a huge huge huge bitch. I like Miss Trinidad because she’s gorgeous inside and out and I really feel like she has talent. Everything she’s made, I would wear. Like yeah that bitch can’t sew, but when her stuff strolls down the runway it looks good. And I just enjoy Nutless for no reason. One day I was watching the show and I was like man, I like this guy.
I think they’re all so cute and fun lmao.
And I love Ollivier! He’s so adorable and I love how he’s so flat about everything. Like when he said that he fell like a little bitch, he just said it so calmly and matter-of-factly! I was dying laughing for like twenty minutes. I feel like it’s weird that he like…can’t speak english, but it adds to the adorableness.
And Cecilia was a bitch for not speaking up on the runway. She could have saved Don Knots! DK sucked as a designer so I don’t care, but why wait till everything and said and done AND THEN go to Heidi and be all…oh I don’t wanna be here. Like wtf. I bet Cecilia was just PMSing and once her hormones evened out, she was mad at herself.
@ Chaosbutterfly, I agree with you on one point: Miss Trinidad is awesome and she’s taken her opportunity and ran with it. She can’t sew, but she was cast with all the judges knowing that about her. So, since she’s routinely in the top (and someone the fan favorite so far, based on those Lifetime updates during the show), she’d really have to fall far to get cut anytime soon.
I certainly don’t think Matlock is disagreeable and bitter; the vibe I get from him is that he doesn’t take shit off of anybody, especially those he’s deemed stupid (Icktor’s screwing up his references in the other team challenge a few weeks back) or those he deems assholes (Jersey Chore, Nutless). I can definitely respect Matlock for his quick responses when they try and put him down and his ability to dig in his heels and stand up for his designs and the fact that his ideas may have some merit.
I love Matlock and he’s definitely becoming my favorite male PR villain. I can’t decide if my favorite female villain is Kenley or Wendy Pepper.
Well, you served me Derek!!! LOL!!! you know I love it!!! I’m happy for the drama the old queen brings, but honestly, he’s incredibly immature, cliquey, and defensive . . . and . . . tick, tick, tick. . . .I have yet to see anything . . . seriouslys! I’m old ass and still doing things I should be letting go, so he had my F’n heart as far as that goes . . . . I just don’t get why he’s completely un humble and can’t listen. And not that good. Really, no one is that good, but alas, I’m still addicted to this show.
As for the Gay mormon, I don’t know why I kinda like him. Maybe coz Tim does, and I also didn’t agree when he was cut . . . it was safe enough, but not awesome. Doggy pads!!! But really Burt . . . sigh . . . immunity . . . Anyhoo, I just wanted to spend more times with his cuteness and complexities . . . I’m selfish like that!
You had Jersey Chore pegged from the start! But I didn’t start hating him until he screamed at Martha “your demographic is 40 to death!” And also made some snide remark to Matlock about his age … I can’t wait until this guy is 40 himself. And how old does he think the judges are? And does he think he himself will never be 40? He makes me sick. But at the same time it DOES make good tv. *sigh*
I absolutely HATE Matlock (Bertie) OMG I HATE HIM SO MUCH.
how can anyone not hate him? He’s a bitter old insecure man.
and why don’t the judges see this. it’s very frustrating…
and then i come here and read so many people love him!? :O!!!
Matlock must die (or at least get off my tv screen)
Oh and I like Jersey chore
what he did was bitchy and made me like him a little bit less
but still he is 1000000000000000000 times better than Matlock who’s a bitch
I really hope the editors of this thing win an Emmy. Jersey is SUCH a bitch and I cracked up at how he was like “Your work is dowdy” and then was all, “BUT NOT LIKE IN A BAD WAY!” and then as soon as Martha leaves the room he’s like “Oh, whatever her demographic is 40 to death” and then sees her again “You’re being too sensitive. That’s not how I meeeeeaaaant it.”
Anyone else think he’s the spray tan, gay, male (?) version of Camille Grammer?
I think being old and bitter myself gives me a greater appreciation for Bert’s attitude. That said, I do think he goes out of his way to be disagreeable. Maybe it’s a non-midwestern thing. (Ahem) At least he made the effort to go around the race track. I would have sat on a box and waited.
Maybe Bert needs some Metamucil jello shots to help his disposition.
So, I must agree that Iktor’s jacket was very cute, but it wasn’t his jacket and Ms. Trinidad’d Maxi dress that won, it was Iktor’s entire look and her maxi dress. I actually got an email from Amazon this weekend and they removed the bright stripe from the dress.
The jacket is $395! Maybe its just me but I found that a little steep. Here’s the link for anyone interested.
http://amzn.com/e/2412595011
Oh Flipit! Thank you so much, you made my day with your recap.
PS I saw The Help over the weekend and loved it too! Boy did her food look good…well, not the pie, but everything else for sure…Okay, the pie too:)
Ahhh, yes: the sound of hissing gays, crying gays, strange quiet asian kid, girls who sew, evil Nina, orange Michael, teutonic Heidi, and lovely Tim – Project Runway is back baby!!Of course with the added pleasure of Martha Plumpton and bitchy old man. LOVE IT!!
And Flipit – lawd, you are funny!! Thank you for another hilarious recap!
Flipit, I laugh my ass off all the way through all of your recaps, but for some reason, when I read the screencap “Sad fake accent horns”, I completely LOST IT! LOL! It took me five minutes to stop laughing and wipe the laugh tears from my eyes so I could read more. Love you!
My wife wonders why in hell I’d ever watch a show about bad designers and their awful fashions. I says: “Ya gotta read this Flipit guy’s shit. He’s hysterical.”
One day I’ll draw her over to the dark side.
Anyhoo, I like Matlock too. I think his real problem is he’s already past menopause and just can’t get on the same cycle as the others. Uh-huh.
Vallegirl, is it true? You and Flipit are August Virgos? Me too!! We rock. I’ve been loving these PR recaps, but I’ve been behind on the shows on my DVR til now so I haven’t commented.
I’m trying to like Matlock, but it’s hard. When he was cheering on the runway when the judges criticizing his teammate’s clothes, he lost me. That was so immature. JC is an ass. Split Ends was lame for quitting. Bimbo and Plumptom are my faves right now. I think Miss Trinidad and Dolliver are full of crap for some reason. And that’s my recap!!