Project Runway: Party Foul

Last week’s previews got me all excited. Someone’s going to the hospital! Did Nina finally choke on a baby arm? Let’s find out!

You’re not supposed to live in the past. I know. I totally get the power of NOW, k? But some meals are so delicious you wish you could eat them twice.

LOLx100

We open with morning shots of the designers. It’s not pretty.

You gotta hand it to that tranny Hawaiisian. He doesn’t even show a bump first thing in the morning. That’s commitment to tucking right there.

Shit! We’re out of caulk!!

Busted from that angle.


Busted from that angle, too. When the back of your mirror is peeling itself off trying to run away from your face, you should just…I don’t know. Stop abusing mirrors.

LOL!! Keep on drinking milk and one day you can use a shaver with a blade in it, Martha.

Hivy twitchily and fakeily tells Gretchen congrats on her second win, and Gretchen buys it. She says the group is totally loving and supportive and not wishing that she would swallow glass even a little bit. The boys are more honest, though. Knit Michael says he hates that bitch Wretchen for winning again. Cut to Wretch telling us how awesome everyone thinks she is.

As Peach spackles her face with whatever’s left over in the Homo Depot bag the producers left her, she tells April that she’s not annoyed that Wretch won twice, but that she had a complete attitude change after the second win. You know, when I started referring to her as Wretchen, I thought to myself “she’s not that bad.” I almost pressed the delete button, but I knew deep down in my cold soul that soon? She would be that bad. Thanks, instinct!

Wretchen is still yammering on about herself, telling us that she’s raised the bar so high that everyone’s totally intimidated. She’s totally a good person, though, cuz raising the bar that high will probably make them better designers. Wow. I don’t think I’ve ever rooted for someone to crash and burn so early in a season. Wait. That’s not entirely true.

Pleather. Still not over it.

April says Wretch is just going through urban catalogues and ripping stuff off, and Peach laughs evilly with her. Other Asian Valerie cutely says that she’s not jeal of Wretch at all cuz they’re friends. Come on, Other Asian. You’re on a reality show. YOU’RE NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS!

Let’s go to the runway and listen to Heidi try to pronounce words! You know, I can never be on GayJ’s side. There are lots of reasons, and here is one of them.

Just. NO.

Fat Bitch Heidi comes out dressed for war. Cow war.

Don’t forget to watch Army Wives here on Lifetime, also about cows and war.

The two loser models are here, so Wretch gets to decide to keep her model or take a looza. She keeps her stick. Poor Kelly Osbourne got skinny for NOTHING.

Now you have time to make another album. Wait. NO. KEEP HER!

Fatso tells the designers that to celebrate making it sooooo far, it’s time to party! Actually, she said “saleabrayte”, but why mince horribly pronounced words? The party is at….wait. There’s no party. They all have to meet Tim at a party goods store. It’s called Party Glitters. Yes, really. When the designers show up, at least half of them look like they’ve already dressed themselves there.

The challenge, which is now labelled as Unconventional Challenge, just so we don’t expect too much creativity in the challenge dept this season, is obviously to make an outfit using party supplies. Tim warns them against going for tablecloths as an easy way out. He tells GayJ that this is the perfect challenge for his tight little Peter Pan ass.

Wretchen says that she is a classy broad and this place is way too tacky for her. Passanova asks Tim about the rules. He’s not too excited about making something without fabric. He can barely make stuff with fabric. He says that he has no problem making shit clothes, but he does have a problem making clothes out of shit. So instead he takes some big stuffed bears and asks a clerk for tablecloths. Exactly what Tim just told them not to do.

HA! Love the editors.

MenospeakyEnglee!

Wretchen, of course, takes some time out of her busy schedule to give her opinion on Sarah’s aesthetic, which I’m sure is greatly appreciated. I haven’t seen that much of a change in Wretch yet, but I know exactly what Peach is talking about when I realize that for the first time, she’s wearing a full face of makeup. Granola hippie girls wearing makeup can only mean one thing: Satan has taken them. YAY!

Back at the workroom, Chunky Michael tells us that he hopes he doesn’t suck again, and Peach says that she’s got a winning plan this time! Raise your hand if you believe that. No one. I thought so. GayJ saunters up to Mondo’s table and says “are you doing birthday? Cuz I was gonna do birthday but I thought you would do it.” Mondo says that he’s gonna do a Quincenera dress. HA Mondo. GayJ snips “Oh a Quince? I was gonna do that too.” UGH no you weren’t, you little hack! Back off and leave my little delicate flower alone! Stop loving him just for his art, k?

They only have til midnight to work, but for the first time this season, the winner gets immunity! Passanova is gutting stuffed animals as horror music plays. “I feel like I am work da meet marget, but ees a designer!” I don’t know what he just said, but watching him bang stuffed animals on the floor and chew out the seams with his giant teeth is hilarious. When he turns away, one of the animals reanimates and eats his dress form whole.

That’s what you get, skinny bitch!!

Speaking of Skinny Bitch, I need a moment to tell you I bought that stupid ass book because the first few pages are hilarious. Well, then it goes into all this animal cruelty crap and tells you that if you eat meat of any kind you will always be fat and heartless too. So wait, you’re telling me if all I eat are fruits and vegetables and tofu I’ll be thin? NO SHIT!! I want my money back, you charlatans! So I can buy a BURGER.

Mondo tells us that he’s super glad to be given free reign to make something insane and senseless. It’s made him way more comfortable. He still doesn’t talk to anyone, but he’s whipped out a bedazzled wifebeater, so that’s something I guess. Have you ever wondered why some people are so afraid of gays in the military? Let me illustrate their nightmares for you.

The other soldiers are meeeeean! WAAAAHHH! No one appreciates me for MEEEEEE!

GayJ tells Macy Gray that he’s totally worried cuz he uses toys and glue all the time, but, like, it’s on purpose and he doesn’t have to do it under pressure. Then he stands at the end of the lunch buffet line and literally blabs the same thing to everyone who passes by, like a sad hostess who just broke up with her boyfriend after alienating her girlfriends for six months leaving her with no one to complain to.

Why haven’t you told me I deserve better yet? No, sir, you can’t sit yet. The busboy is still cleaning your table. Ok read all these texts and tell me what you make of them.

He won’t shut the fuck up about himself, and everyone’s over him pretty quick. Especially Chunky Mike. You can ruin lots of moments of his day, but feeding time? Just die already.

I wonder what he’d taste like wrapped in a tortilla.

Other Asian Valerie is making a cool napkin dress. Even Wretchen likes it enough to say “I think she’ll be in the top with me!” If I were there I’d chase her split end ass with a bottle of conditioner and put the fear of God into her. What an asshole.

Sarah is using a lot of tablecloth, but figures that if she spray paints it that will keep her apart. Wretchen tells Passanova flat out that he’s in trouble for using all that tablecloth. He says he’s not a freak like Mondo and GayJ and doesn’t care what anyone things. Grab a log, cuz you’re about to be pushed back home. Trandy has spent the whole day braiding ribbons but doesn’t know why. Troubs. Wretchen goes around to everyone’s table and tells them how they can improve their work. Who are you, Tim Cunn? T? Back off, biatch!

The real Tim Gunn comes in to check on progress, starting with GayJ. He tells him that this should be his challenge, and GayJ argues that what makes his work original is that not everyone else around him is gluing waterguns to dresses. And now that’s ruined! Chunky Mike says that everyone expects to see something good from GayJ cuz he won’t shut up about himself and everyone knows he loves a glue gun. BWAAHAHAH. Chunky Mike has showed little to no talent so far, but I hope he stays til the end cuz he’s hilarious.

Tim is loving Valerie’s napkin dress, but advises her against using a teal belt because it wouldn’t be used in My Fair Lady’s “Ascot Gavotte” number. I. Love. This. Show. I hope they stick with the MFL theme and try to teach Wretch how to be less of a wench and Passy how to not talk with a fake marblemouthed French accent. Get me my slippers, heifer.

Trandy has run out of ribbon to braid, and Wretch tells us that Trandy’s work is sooo student. Ugh. STFU. Tim tells him to clench his butt cheeks and get something done. Hivy tells us that Macy Gray’s drunk ass work looks like a jellyfish and she doesn’t deserve to be here. Then she twitches. Tim picks up some toys Macy’s working with and tries to read the label in French before realizing it says “animal wooly balls.” This cracks him up, and he and Macy laugh at all the different balls she bought. Tim loves balls, Macy loves balls, and pretty much anyone watching right now loves balls. Let’s move on.

If Tim could see this commercial right now, he’d crack up. Then ejaculate in his bvds.

Hivy has hardly anything done, and Tim tells Christopher that he gives him chills. Awkward. Keep it in your pants. Tim moves on to Peach’s safe outfit and tells her to pull the coal out of her ass cuz it’s a diamond by now. WOW. Macy Gray got Tim drunk. Chunky Mike is floored that Tim called his work work fabulous. Sarah knows she’s not doing a great job this week, but Tim loves what she’s making out of spray painted cardboard palm tree leaves. Wretch tells Tim how proud of herself she is while April rolls her eyes in the background. Chunky Mike tells us her skirt is stupid and if she beats him this week he’s gonna be pissed. Tim isn’t as impressed with Wretch as he should be, and she blames that on listening to too many hacky opinions in the room.

Dramatic music plays as Tim approaches Passanova. He is worried because some designers said he couldn’t use tablecloths. Tim says the point is that the judges just don’t like it and if he does it well enough he might pass. Before he leaves, he tells the designers that the models will have a surprise for them. Chunky Mike is thrilled with Tim’s critique, but Sarah’s skerd. Wretch tells Sarah to get rid of all the pink. Sabotage! Why would you listen to that weenie? Hit her!

Best editors in eight seasons.

The models bring gift bags with more crap in them that the designers have to use for an accessory. Passy sees the bag and “was cloze to die.” Time’s up! The next morning, Mondo decides to start the day with confidence. Which means he wears a fake mustache. You know he stole that. GayJ’s gonna be pissed when he doesn’t have anything to fake shave off this morning.

Fagnum PI

The girls in Peach’s apartment are saying there’s no way in hell Wretchen can win three in a row, but Wretchen is pretty confident that she’ll at least be in the top 3. GayJ, who’s dressed for a gay protest in front of the Boy Scouts of America Headquarters, yammers on more about his style.

At least let us be brownies!!

Model fittings! Is anyone wondering what the models are thinking this season? Me neither! I’m so glad they’re back to just being thin and silent. Tim comes in and tells the designers he’s super proud of them. Wretch nods like he’s talking just to her. Hair and makeup. Break time!! FF.

It’s almost time for the show and Trandy isn’t even close to finishing. Peach and April come over and help him, and guess who has a problem with it? Her name rhymes with VaginaFace.

Or not.

Almost no one is finished. Hivy is freaking out with her glue gun and poor Sarah made her dress too small. Time for the runway show! Fat Slut Heidi is wearing those parachute pant things with the crotch down to the ankle. Man. Making so many babies has really taken its toll.

Formfitting

Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!!

Hi Nina!

Hi guest judge Betsey Johnson! YIKES. Betsey Johnson has always looked like a cross between Baby Jane and Patsy from AbFab, but today she’s Baby Jane Patsy brand Beef Jerkey. Dang woman! Moisturize!

Can you tell which two are a joke?

Betsy comes twirling out as the designers slobber all over themselves. First up is Christopher. His dress is made of napkins, and it’s super cute, if a little plain and ill fitting. You can’t tell it’s made out of napkins. Just looks like there’s way too much starch or something. Very Betty loses everything in the divorce on Mad Men.

I’m sorry Don! I take it all back!

Knit Michael is next, and he made one big party hat that’s trying to make it as an ice skater.

That skirt is ridiculous. He’s proud, but it’s barely staying on and looks like a megaphone. Trandy is next, and his dress is kinda awesome. It’s tacky and chichi as hell, but it’s also super detailed and he did a lot with what he had.

Totally wearing this to Charo’s funeral, whenever that sad day comes.

GayJ’s dress is just hideous. And yes, that is bead bush you see dangling. Ouch.

Let’s do the can’t-can’t

Knit Michael says that he thought about using some of GayJ’s materials and then thought “um NO.” HAHA. As we see the can’t-can’t girl leave, we can tell that her ass is almost hanging out. Lucky for GayJ, she doesn’t have one. Hivy’s dress is out next, and it’s, well, hivy. Like hives that were left unattended to decompose. Gross. It doesn’t help that the model looks totally fat and has a side ponytail.

Wretch gives a moan that’s half support and half sympathy as Hivy’s dress walks. Chunky Mike did a bright red saloon dress. I think it’s hideous, but Tim liked it so that means….well, nothing actually. It means it has a good chance of losing and losing hard. The base muslin is showing all over the place.

Heidi sees this, doesn’t know what to make of it, and goes back to her game of Mad Libs.

Verb: Apple

Peach is next. Uhoh. These are like the Bratz costumes, until Paula Abdul was fired and someone with talent was brought in.

Wretchen went for a cowgirl theme, I think? The skirt is cute, and super easy considering she didn’t change her material one bit. The jacket is totally wrong for it. It’s not as bad as some, but it’s no reason for her to sit back and massage her wenis, either.

The model doesn’t take of the jacket, which is wise cuz the blouse looks like a non fitting block. Mondo is next. Like GayJ’s, but good. I think Betsy Johnson is going to rip this off the model and wear it home. It’s right up her alley. That’s not a compliment, but she’s a judge so there you go.

Passanova’s dress is scary and pretty and tacky and horrible and gorgeous if you look at just the right spot. And not made from any party supplies at all, that I can see. LOL. Sad Frenchterican horns.

Macy Gray’s jellyfish dress. It does, in fact, look like a jellyfish, but it’s also super adorable and could be worn out. This is the first thing of hers that I’ve really liked.

April’s dress is really cool. It looks like something she dreams of beating into Wretchen’s head, which I’m all for. Wretch was right! Her high horse bar did inspire someone!

Please don’t hug me.

Sarah’s dress looks like a half assed home made kindergartener’s Indian costume in the Thanksgiving play thrown over a cute dress. This sucks, cuz I like her. You can always trust a cross eyed person. I don’t know why that’s true, but I’ve never known it to fail. Well, except last season with that Mila chick, but she wasn’t crosseyed she was lazy eyed.

She’s got a good chance of going home. Valerie’s dress is slutty and hot. Not really My Fair Lady, more Pretty Woman. Yes, it looks kinda like an air filter, but considering it’s made out of napkins it’s pretty cool. Even though it reminds me of side work at a restaurant gig.

You forgot to put the silverware inside! Start all over!

Peach, Chunky Mike, Hivy, Mondo, Christopher, and April are all safe. Heidi says the model with the losing designer is also eliminated! Dang! I look for emotion on the models’ faces, but I think they’re still trying to figure out what Heidingo just said. The judges start with Valerie’s napkin dress. Kors gives her credit for styling, but thinks her bracelet accessory is lame. He finishes by saying that the dress is beautifully cut. Nina and Betsey both love it, too. Baby Jane says that it’s good for eating around sloppy people at a party. LOL.

Heidi says GayJ’s dress looks silly but she likes the cupcake foil necklace. Nina says he threw a bunch of party favors at the model and GayJ says thank you. Heidi tells him it wasn’t a compliment. Ouch. Kors says it doesn’t go far enough to look unintentional. He stops short of calling the fringe crotch a beaver shot.

Baby Jane says it’s just hideous enough to steal for her own line, then she laughs like she’s not at all kidding. She says that to work it has to be a “zillion times exploded.” He thanks her, and Heidi stays out of it even though that wasn’t a compliment either.

Kors calls Trandy’s dress exciting and transformative. He adds that he can see Heidi and Rihanna fighting over it. Heidi doesn’t stand a chance. Rihanna’s been taking self defense. Or at least I hope she has. Nina thinks it’s remarkable work, and Betsy says it’s too gorgeous. I think she just dissed it. That woman really hates prettiness.

Passy whips out his no speakyenlee shit, and I have no idea what he’s saying. Lots of “tableclothe” and “table coaver.” Kors calls the look transvestite Flamenco dancer at a funeral. LOL. He says that it’s sad Passy wasn’t trying to be funny. Baby Jane loves the crazy ass back, and Heidi thinks it’s a general mess.

Nina thinks Sarah’s dress looks like a cut out. Heidi wrote down sad, but in Sarah’s defense the MadLibs clue was “Noun”. Kors says she didn’t go with her gut. Baby Jane seconds Heidi’s “sad”. Gretchen’s next. Nina calls it fabulous. Kors agrees, and Baby Jane thinks it’s Tina Turner on the Bottom and Mad Max on top. Finally someone called out that those two pieces don’t go well together. Of course it was the tackiest woman alive, but still. Jeeze these judges are up Wretchen’s crack.

In alone time, they repeat themselves a lot. In the holding tank, GayJ says Betsy kinda liked it, which is going a little far. Wretchen starts putting her fucking opinion in everywhere and over everyone and GayJ says she talks all the fucking time. I hate her too, but that’s the pot getting racist with the kettle right there. She snaps “you’re just sensitive cuz you’re on the bottom.” The only way for GayJ to have redeemed himself in my eyes would be if he had hauled off and smacked her stupid face. But he didn’t. So he might as well just go home.

Kors says that Passy has no taste, but Heidi liked some of his ideas. She calls Sarah out on doing nothing. Kors gives her credit for at least knowing it was terrible, unlike Passy. Betsy says she should have been wowed by GayJ’s piece but wasn’t at all. She loved Valerie’s work, though, and calls Trandy’s work beautiful. Trandy for the win! Nina is impressed that Wretchen made so many pieces and says that’s the Marie Claire girl. Ugh. The winner is….not Valerie! But she’s safe. Trandy wins! YAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!! He’s cute about it. Gretchen’s in, obvs. So is…GayJ! BOOOOOO!!!! I wanted him out, but Sarah was way worse. The decision is between boring and safe and a parade float. Passy’s in! Awwww poor Sarah. I wish I could be sad for her, but she’s boring. She’s super nice though, and gives us a really meaningful cross eye on her way out.

You just need a little more…focus.

Chunky Mike cries, and Sarah assures him that she’s not taking the Doritos with her. She tells us that she should have listened to herself and done what she wanted. Is she referring to the advice she took from Wretch? Cuz that’s terrible!! She told her to get rid of the pink! Wait it’s not over. Hivy passed out right when they got back to the hotel! No one tells us what’s wrong with her or if she even lives. We can’t lose a cross eyed person and a twitcher in the same week!! That’s handicappedist!

Come back next week to see if Hivy lives.