Previously on Project Runway, the judges let their racism against beige dolls be known,
…a fat hairy girl got a new Lane Bryant flowy jacket,
—and Kors made this face:
We open at the end of the last episode. No one is really crying over the loss of the Beigeian Dolliver, which I find downright offensive. They were in the presence of a living breathing doll and they don’t even care. I’m still in awe, but I’m also in awe of microwaves so maybe it’s just a personal issue. Seriously, though. A baked potato in six minutes? HOW THE HELL DOES THAT HAPPEN?!?!?
The boys are sitting around listening to Jersey Chore’s Nighttime Story Hour.
Then the three bears give Goldi Hawn some bad botox advice, kick her out of their house, and Grindr some nearby twinks to fist bump.
He’s droning on about what fashion meeeeans, and how if you can’t make menswear then you should just make women’s wear for men and stop complaining.
I’ve seen this on Debbie Reynolds.
Jersey talks and talks and talks. Please someone hurt him. Icktor says that things are heating up, but he’s more afraid of seeing people’s bad sides than he is of the challenges. Um, the bad sides have been out for weeks. Say the words “mother cancer bartender” and fur and mascara splatter will be all over the damn place.
You guys made it through a menswear challenge without dying. But still, you should never try it again. Look what it does to normally cute hair.
Miss Trinidad hasn’t said anything slutty lately. I almost forgot she was an internet porn worker. Thankfully, she reminded me today by wearing a bullseye on her womb.
Fat Bitch Heidi comes out on the runway looking like she ate the entire house her fat mama was always sitting aroooound.
Nutless is in the middle of the pack these days, so he tries to get some sympathy with his head wound and his pasty pirate with cataracts face.
Fat Bitch asks them if anyone is surprised to still be in the game, and Matlock is the only one who will admit that he is. Heidi says he needs more confidence, but he means he’s surprised he’s still on Earth. Do you know how many murderers he’s confronted? Being the best lawyer in the South is dangerous. He’s got the shortest bucket list in the world. Matlock’s bucket list: 1. Meet Jessica Fletcher. 2. Don’t die today.
The clue is about looking to the past for inspiration. Maybe that means we will be looking a few seasons back and remembering when all the challenges didn’t suck. Tim meets them at the workroom with a google eyed creep of a lady who works at GLAD. It’s a challenge about the past, so maybe it will involve leftovers staying fresh longer in inexpensive but durable tupperware.
Look into my eeeeeyes!
Slit those eyes, girl. You’re making me nervous. It’s a 70′s challenge. This is a challenge about the past. Like, um, last week. When one of the inspiration pics is shown, I immediately start sobbing. Beige pants. Dollivier would have won this challenge!
In case you don’t remember the 70′s, they were EXCITING! At least Glad Lady thinks so.
The 70′s were all about pizazz and springy eyes.
Tim announces that he has a dossier! Matlock perks up and wonders which one of his neighbors is about to get accused of murder. Not a crime dossier! A FASHION dossier! Tim, just show the fuckin pictures. Dossier. What the fuck is this? Clue? OMG I LOVE THAT MOVIE.
Miss Trinidad is psyched to show the judges that she can do 70′s without being Pocahontas. Then she sings Colors of the Wind and blows John Smith on handicam.
Matlock wants to make sure that patterns are ok. You can guess what crazy faced Glad lady thinks about patterns.
She kinda looks like a constantly surprised Courtney Cox, no?
Can’t. Stop. Pausing. On her face. Now I’m paused on a shot of Jersey Chore and Nutless. The two of them represent every terrible thing that’s happened to manhood in the past decade. Spray tanning, eyebrow waxing, low cut v-necks, denim shirts, fauxhawks, sun depletion, and head wounds.
The designers are let loose on the Glad Accessories Wall. Matlock gets a pair of freezer safe gold high heels, but wonders if they’re appropriate for a “Woman in Her Seventies” challenge. Uh-oh. I’m worried for Matlock.
If she falls and breaks a hip, at least she’ll look damn sexy doing it.
He uses the shoes as inspiration. How those shoes gave him an idea to add a giant dong to a sweet old lady is beyond me, but genius is unexplainable. Matlock seems kinda horny today.
Jersey Chore wasn’t alive in the 70′s so he has no idea what they wore. LOL! I wasn’t alive in prehistoric times, but I know Fred Flinstone is good at bowling and Barney Rubble is a bottom. Jesus Christ man. Look around at the world you’re in. He can’t just get knowledge at the circle snap of his fingers, so he mimes angrily milking a cow.
Glitter thongs and big collars. You’re welcome.
Himberly’s mom was a secretary who slept around back in the 70′s, so she’s going for sexy secretary. Icktor wants to make something for the generation of women who had to go through life without hands.
Miss Trinidad plans on making the same thing she makes every week but in a different pattern, and Bimbo is making yet another Lawrence Welk Show dress. And finally in the right time period. Even a frozen WALK light is right some of the time. Unfortunately, the rest of the time pedestrians are walking into the streets and getting hit by busses and stuff.
Nutless lahks makin’ seprits, cuz he cun rlly show heeiz talents. Derdeedlerdeedler. His accent is kinda fake sounding, but who would go out of their way to sound like a slurry moron? Answer: The guy with a faux hawk, a turtleneck scarf, and the jaw on the floor.
It seems like it’s gonna be just another week at mood. The designers all pick prints because it was a word the Glad lady said, and they all pick earth tones because that’s what was in the inspiration picks. Yaaaawn….but WAIT! Miss Trinidad has been carrying her cash in her boobs, and now she can’t find it!! Girl, there’s a reason strippers get boob jobs. If you’re gonna use those things as a purse, make sure they’re big enough to hold shit! You don’t just want your money and your gum and your handi wipes falling out on the stage.
Don’t feel bad about it!! For once you’re throwing money on the floor instead of picking it up. Role reversal can be a good thing. OR A NIGHTMARE.
She is running around, frantically trying to find it. She tells Tim she lost her cash, and he kinda scowl drawls. Hilarious. When time is called, she hasn’t found it yet, so he tells her she can use people’s leftover money if they’ll give it to her and she can use muslin. She starts crying. Everyone from Season 2 is sitting at home like “um make a dress out of potting soil and get back to me on that, skank!”
While we’re dwelling on the past.
Nutless is the only one with money left, and it’s only 12 bucks. Trini cries, and it’s sad, but not really cuz this is a show about creativity and she should maybe look forward to getting to show the judges that she’s got spunk (no pun) and their casting sessions weren’t a complete waste of time this year. Besides, it’s a PROJECT RUNWAY FIRST!! Did you think you were going to make it halfway through the episode without hearing that at least once? Sowwy. Trini is embarrassed, and thought Matlock would be the first one to lose his money. LOL. What a bitch. Everyone laughs. A lot of awkward social situations could be avoided if there was always an old person to make fun of in the room. I nominate Matlock to give a speech at the next UN meeting. Achmapoopyface has a sparkling personality under all that gruff just waiting to be set free.
Wattles funny. I now love Jews and America.
Tim says that since last week she was so generous with her terrible material, maybe this week the other designers will be generous with their terrible material. It’s a whole circle of ugly. Back at the workroom, all the designers chip in and give her fabric. Well, almost all. Icktor would like to help her, but if you feed a bum they’ll be out there asking for money from you every day instead of dying from starvation, thus disrupting the flow of natural selection. Wow. That’s a depressing thought, Icktor. Let’s get our minds off this and play some tennis.
Tim comes in to tell them in the most bored “I’d rather be riding a PA” voice he can muster that he’s moved by everyone’s generosity. Then he punches out and climbs back on the muscly busboy he rode in on. Miss Trinidad starts crying again. Miss Trinidad is like Rocky waiting at the bottom of the steps for an escalator or some shit.
People are coming to Matlock for advice because he was alive in the seventies, but all he saw back then was his image reflected back to him from the bottom of a coke tray, so he just grumbles that they should all check in with friends and family often so they always have an alibi just in case and leave him the fuck alone.
All Jersey Chore knows about the seventies is what he’s learned blowing barbacks on disco night at bear bars, so expect some leather and gross faces and dead mom stories.
Bimbo loves vintage and wants to model her own dress. Do it! Just make sure your cankles are covered this time to prove you learned something from the ninety seven unflattering shots you shoved down our throats in the video challenge.
Jersey Chore just stands there all cross eyed and empty for a bit, and then he starts going around to comment on other people’s work and steal their ideas. Ick knows that Jersey is a burglar, so he is careful not to leak any of his brilliant design secrets to the queen. “I ain’t drivin’ you no more, Miss Daisy.” HAHAH! Wait. That reference doesn’t even make sense. The colored guy was the driver in that movie, not the pasty ill mannered hag.
Lord, I tell you one thing… she sho’ do know how to throw a fit!
Miss Trinidad dyes muslin and wahs while Matlock tells us that Nutless’ fabric choice looks like it’s for a girl getting ready to go bury someone in the woods. HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! Bimbo is…wow. Speechless. Icktor warns her against traveling down the path she’s on, but she explains to us that patterns are subjective, like someone could maybe have a memory of one print that makes them think of something and another print that like makes them think of maybe something else, or something. Two bad memories don’t make a right, Bimbo.
She and Miss Trinidad are pretty far up poo creek at the moment, so they decide not to tell Himberly her pants are hideous even though they have a pact with each other to be honest. Bimbo says it’s that time in the game where they need to start playing for themselves. What show do they think they’re on? You don’t get to vote people off, ya powerless hookers. This isn’t Big Brother. You have to have actual skill to be on that show.
Matlock is working on a glittery Studio 54 look, and Bimbo chats him up about the place. He went there all the time. Liza Minelli was accused of stealing Diana Ross’ purse one night, and he figured out that a doorman was trying to frame her because he was a friend of Lorna Luft’s, who was really jealous of Liza. That was the night Matlock started his career in crime solving. Is that where he got his Halston job? Nope. He got that in a third row balcony. HAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!! LOVE HIM SO MUCH!! He smiles, which is sweet because you know it comes from a place of truth. Blowjob memories can bring a smile to anyone’s face.
That didgeridoo music is playing, which means it must be time for Jersey Chore to steal some shit! Sure enough, Icktor is working on his Jackie O jacket as Himberly compliments it. Jersey walks by, touches it silently, measures it, sketches it, and tries it on. Nothing fishy here!
This is gonna look amazing in leopard print.
Himberly warns Ick that he’s being ripped off, but Ick figures that he’s better so Jersey can try and copy all he wants. You can’t steal talent! Besides, he doesn’t want a Lee Press-On Nail stuck in his eye, so he’s gonna just say what he has to say to everyone else. If you talk behind someone’s back, it’s harder for them to aim when they’re throwing a punch. Wuss!
Tim comes in zipping up his pants. There’s a twist! A second challenge titled “Saving Trini”! This will be a one piece, and they get fifty bucks. Man, those producers love Miss Trinidad. I hope I meet her one day so I can ask what a Weinstein brother tastes like. I’ll bet she put mustard on that shit first.
Miss Trinidad should be thanking her lucky hoovering skills stars for another chance to shop at mood, but instead she whines and moans and complains. I’m sick of hearing it from her, so let’s let that asshole Camille Grammar say it instead.
Jersey Chore gets to mood and walks straight into the pile of shit a Lite Brite just took on the table.
Tim comes in to check on progress. Nutless’ work gets his “I took the boom guy out of me for this?” face.
Tim’s “I took the boom guy out of me for this?” face.
He thinks that the look is way too old, so Nutless decides to make the skirt a mini. Tim suggests a maxi, cuz if there wasn’t one walking down the runway it would be a PROJECT RUNWAY (season 9) FIRST! Miss Trinidad is making the same stuff as usual but with less money and a lot more complaining. Tim warns her that she’s wading into Hefty Bag territory, but she just laughs it off. She’s won with the same designs more often than not, so why change now? Matlock has made a night out at the Regal Beagle dress.
Tim warns that it’s a bit on the nose, but Matlock answers only with a constrained jiggle of the wattle. HImberly’s next. Tim likes her first look, but then pauses. “This is an old fart talking to you here…” he waits for her to laugh and argue, but it never comes.
Tim thinks her second look is slutty and recommends replacing the mini with a maxi. Good lord man. He’s more obsessed with maxis than a twelve year old girl becoming a woman in the middle of a school day. Tim loves Icktor’s well constructed jacket, but at the end of the day it’s just a grey jacket. He suggests that if Ick wants to go Safari, he should go more safari. I love Tim, and hope he makes a lot of money for being on this show, but “More Safari” is never good advice. EVER.
Jersey Chore’s work is hideous, even for him. He starts pitching his idea for half an hour and Tim tells him to zip it, stop with the meaningless stories, and design something that doesn’t suck harder than Trinidad on an audition tape. Jersey Chore crosses his eyes and tries to warn Tim subtly that he has a bat in his cave.
Bimbo’s work is terrrrrrrible. Tim scowls at it helplessly, like it’s a stray cat that decided to get hit by a cab right when he was trying to cross the street.
I didn’t need to see that.
Tim says in a really nice way with lots of syllables that Nina hates Bimbo’s guts and wishes she was dead, so she should make her best effort not to suck today. She’s like hehehe um….okay? Good answer!! How offended can you possibly be that Nina hates you, anyway? She hates all humans. Well, except babies. She loooves babies. Fried, raw, in a salad, she doesn’t care.
Tim leaves to read Vogue or something so he doesn’t forget what fashion is. Bimbo makes her way to the sewing room and announces that the reason she didn’t win the last challenge is because Nina hates her ass. LOL!! I love how people justify shit to themselves. Why does Nina hate you? The only possibilities I see are A. You’re highly untalented or B. You’re womb is non working and will never produce a snack for her. Since I doubt fertility tests were administered as part of the casting, I’m gonna go with A.
She whines that Nina is wrong about her taste level, but she’s talking to Jersey Chore, who’s in his leopard print wife beater with the home made glue gunned ribbon trim. He has no idea what she means. She thinks that her taste is way too refined, if anything. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!! The models come in for a quick shot of hungry homeliness. When they leave, Icktor is muttering to himself. “Fashion is my food!” You might wanna add some carrots or a multi-vitamin to that. You look dead.
Matlock helps Jersey Chore put wire through a scrunchy thing and tells him it’s just like getting a condom on a tiny skinny wiener. Matlock is dirty today. I like it.
Yeah just like that. Now swing it around like a helicopter until it starts to work. Yeaaaaaah.
Nutless gets some advice from Miss Trinidad, because she’s the woman he wants to dress. His table is a pattern nightmare, and she tells him he’s on the right track. She can’t possibly mean that. She’s just trying to get away from him quick cuz the bedbugs he brought in wearing the same clothes every day have started jumping all over her arm.
It’s been a solid three minutes since Miss Trinidad has whined about something, so let’s check in with her. She has made fat lady pants for her second look and she’s so so sad about it. Don’t worry, hon. Maybe Fat Bitch Heidi will stick up for you in the end. It’s runway time, and Miss Trinidad is having trouble. She is super positive about it and vows to do her best. Kidding! She whines and acts all victimy. Hair and makeup time!! Smoke break!!
It’s two minutes til runway time, and Himberly hasn’t finished so she has to sew her bag of bones into her bag of suck. AW! Miss Trinidad isn’t finished either and she didn’t even have time to whine about how hard working with muslin is. Poor thing. I hope she gets a chance to vent about her feelings at some point tonight.
Runway time! Fat Bitch Heidi comes out looking like she ate both Ben and Jerry. God bless em. Let’s say hi to the judges! Hi Kors!
Hi guest editor at Glad Tupperware! You guys, why does Glad need an editor? That chick looks familiar. And really, really bored.
Himberly is up first, and she shouldn’t have listened to Tim. Her top is really pretty, but the skirt needs to be way shorter. If you’re gonna go ho, you gotta go all the way. What’s the point of just barely sticking it in? You’re gonna get herpes either way.
Her grey pantsuit is a little boring, but it’s well done and looks way better than the other girls said it would be, which makes me very happy. Dumb bitches.
Nutless’ first look is a simple red mini with a flowy top in a hideous pattern and a vest made out of my Meemaw’s afghan. It’s fug, but consider the source.
His second look is an exact copy of one of the inspiration pieces from Tim, but in an uglier fabric. You can accuse Nutless of being dumb, fake, shallow, and one balled, but don’t you dare accuse him of being an original thinker.
Matlock! OH LAWD, girl! I could almost get on board with the glittery Best Little Whorehouse in Texas lingerie, but the biker shorts underneath? Who wants a whore with biker shorts on? Do you know hard that shit is to get off?
The skirt comes off easily, as it should, and the sad hanging out ass makes Heidi hungry for cottage cheese.
His second dress is more typical of him. Completely plain and pretty and blah. It was kind of inventive to add headlights to it, though.
Bimbo’s dress is still terrible. Nothing else to say.
Wait a second! I recognize the bored shitless above it all look on the Glad Guest Judge! That bitch is Olivia from The City!! She was mean to Whitney Port and deserves a long painful lonely life. It seems unfair that she landed in the highly exciting life of Tupperware Sales.
My daddy owns this town and you’re gonna PAY!
Now let’s move on from terrible people doing well in life to terrible people doing terribly. Bimbo’s second look:
Nina just writes “slag” over and over on her note card.
Jersey Chore made a really gross hot pink bowling shirt and plaid mom slacks that don’t fit well. As usual, he sucks ass. He’ll probably win.
For his second look, another Miss Trinidad rip off, but with way less taste. You guys, I am sitting next to a dude at a coffee shop who’s painted his dog’s nails. So. WRONG. But somehow easier to look at than this:
Miss Trinidad’s first look is her Whine look for eleven bucks. It’s not great, but it’s no worse than anything else we’ve seen so far. The pants have that stiff, uncomfortable look from the 70′s, so she gets a point for that.
Her next dress looks like a really bad Jersey Chore imitation of her style. She did make an anorexic chick look fat, though, so YAY! I hope you win!!
Bad Fashion: Evening the score for 9 seasons.
Icktor’s next. He’s known for his creepiness, his terrible English, and his PeeWee Herman getting arrested in a porno theater for jerking off look. He’s also known for making pretty much exactly whatever was in the inspiration pics, and today is no different. He’s made the pair of bells I showed you earlier. They are made really well, and so is his gorgeous jacket. At the end of the day, though, it’s booooring and has been done a zillion times way better. Still, I know he’ll be safe and I’m glad. He’s on the verge of telling some people off.
His second look celebrates a time before boob jobs and dependable bras. I’m all for any outfit that showcases one perky boob and one boob drooping over the belt. Otherwise, it’s yawnfug.
Olivia looks like she’s trying to figure out how she’s supposed to sell those tiny little Glad disposables that are too small to hold anything.
Himberly is the only one in the middle today, so she’s excused. The judges start with Laura. Nina’s frog wattle is already pulsating with rage. So excited.
Heidi disses the prints, and Nina says the top looks like a prison uniform and the bottom is just bad. Olivia says that it would look better if she had stolen all of Whitney’s ideas. Kors hates, and Nina asks “would you wear this?” Bimbo says that yes, she would wear it proudly. I think that’s the wrong answer. Or the nanny just came home early before Nina had time to crawl out from under the crib and stick a fork in a fetus.
Meanwhile, Olivia looks like she’s having the best sex of her life.
Both of Icktor’s looks are great, but Kors says the t-shirt under the jacket is “career matron”. HA. Nina loooooves it all. Everyone agrees. Jersey Chore says he was going for masculinity, and I give the judges credit for not loling at that one. He makes the girl in the terrible pants turn around, and then he screams like a girl when he sees her terrible ass. LOLOLOLLLLL!! Jersey tries some good ole fashioned drag queen sarcasm to deflect the horrible critique, but Heidi says flat out that it’s one of the worst things she’s ever seen. HA. She hates that he has so much tacky in one place, and he says “that’s who I am.” She counters “I know, and it’s scary.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! Long live Fat Bitch!!!
He argues that most of the work there is crap and at least his could be pulled off the model and worn right away. Heidi argues back that no one would pull it off the model in the first place cuz it’s plain fug, and when your self confidence is so great that you can’t see how tacky you are, it crosses the self confidence line and turns into pure delusion. Olivia picks up the bitch reigns and says terrible thirty five times. Nina says “Ho. Rren. Dous.” And then she calls him tragic. BWAHAH.
Miss Trinidad opens with a long whine about how she lost her money. They’re impressed with the 11 dollar look, but Kors says the top is the color of Dentyne. Matlock nods and smiles. Nina loves it all. Nutless says he was inspired by the weed smoking. Nina looks like she wants to run the hell off this season as fast as she can.
The one day of the year I don’t show up with bedhead and I have to sit through this shit? Wasted blowout.
Olivia’s like “no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no.” Nina says it looks cheap, and Kors says he got the drug addict part right, and Heidi says the models both look boring and she wouldn’t want to be them even though they’re thinner together than she could ever be. Nina says they look like creepy girls from a cult. God I love these judges.
Matlock’s gold hooker dress is called classy, beautiful, and classy class class. Maybe if they say it five times we’ll start to buy it? That’s holicious! Nina says she would buy the top, which is kinda a horrifying thought. Olivia yawns. The designers are sent back to the greenroom to cry and stuff. Jersey says if he had time to research he would have done better. “I wasn’t born in the seventies!” I love that the editors added the part in the beginning of Jersey complaining that he’s sick of people using inexperience in meswear as an excuse to suck, and now he’s showing himself to be a huge hypocrite. Again. This guy’s such a fucking tool. He says he can’t be expected to perform well when he’s pulling stuff out of his butt. Gerbils don’t help you on TV.
Icktor snottily says that he was born in the 80′s, but he still had his eyes open and knows about stuff beyond his bubble. “I was never born in the 80′s.” LOL. Jersey argues “you’re making the assumption that everyone was grown up like you.” It’s a bad English face off! Jersey starts getting riled up and shouting that Ick is getting aggressive. Um, you’re the one spitting sperm and lip smacker tainted lisp drool all over the place, Cujo, Calm it. Himberly tries to calm the sitch by telling Jersey Chore that all Icktor is saying is that there’s no excuse for ignorance. Said bitchily or sweetly, the point is the same. YOU SUCK. Chore storms off to put too much eyeshadow on and figure out a way to blame his dead mom for this shit.
Kors says Jersey has a point of view, but Nina shouts that his fit was terrible too. Olivia says he has a tude problem and his look one model will never get laid. This girl may be a bitch, but she knows of what she speaks. Nutless’ work was ugly and would scare customers, and Bimbo’s work is cheap and unflattering. I love that the snottiest, most egotistical assholes are in the bottom. The judges repeat all the compliments they said before, but this time Olivia gets to talk more. Which is sad. Poor Whitney.
In the end….Miss Trinidad wins! Icktor looks shocked. Give the judges enough whine and they’ll do whatever you want. Icktor should have taken that. Surprise! Matlock’s see through Barbarella dress will be featured in a Glad commercial! So Icktor was not only robbed, he was placed in third! HAHAH! Couldn’t happen to a more pallid person.
Bimbo is safe. Nutless and Jersey!! Nutless talks like he has peanut butter in his mouth and the only sign of any kind of personality is his fauxhawk, so his ass is out. You should have screamed at more people, Nutless!! He cries and drawls a bit. Tim comes in to tell them that from now on it’s a bloodbath and the balls are now fairly distributed so buck up!!
Nutless says that sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but the important thing is how you handle mediocrity. How…inspiring? Next week, the inspiration has something to do with birds. Jersey feels cornered and hated now, so I’m planning on some hateful spewing next time. At the very least, some frightening faces. See you then!!
Ronnie Karam has been with TVgasm since 2006 , which has given him the opportunity to make fun of hundreds of TV's most loved and hated reality whores. His plan in life was to be Julia Roberts but that plan was stolen by, well, Julia Roberts. He'll get you one day, JULIA ROBERTS!! When not making himself giggle for the gasm, Ronnie performs improv and sketch comedy at IO West in Hollywood a couple of times weekly while using the lovely California days to audition for commercial roles such as "ADORABLE MEXICAN UNCLE". Seriously. He would like to thank Jesus, Buddha and Xenu for the blessings they've bestowed. The writers here are the best around, and he's honored to be associated with them. Find video archives at CankleTV.com, or follow on Twitter @flipit